Post-proposal

[UnderBlue]

Don''t you hate it when you don''t feel like you think you should? Or like society/culture tells you that you should feel?

I got engaged a couple weeks ago. Even at the time it happened I wasn''t giddy or smiling ear-to-ear or over the moon or ecstatic. It wasn''t a traditional proposal, becasue I didn''t think I wanted that. There was no ring or secret plan or down on one knee, I didn''t really realize he was asking at the time. I''m fairly low key, I was kind of expecting something to happen when it did, I don''t get excited too easily, so I''m ind of used to my reaction.

Then, a friend also got engaged and she''s gushed about how excited she is and how she can''t stop smiling and all those things we''re told we should feel when we get engaged. Seeing the pictures from her proposal does make me wish my guy had planned something, anything. And they make me wish a little that there was a ring at the time just so something was different.

It''s making me wonder if there''s something wrong with me, wrong with my engagement, wrong with my relationship.

 

[Mrs.SE]

Nope! Your fine! We're all different. If that's how you like it then so be it. I just got engaged last night! I'm not all giddy or being a silly girly girl. My fiance' even said he was hoping he'd get a tear when he proposed. Well it all happened so fast, literally I was out of the truck, and he was down on one knee, said my name and Will You Marry Me? I didn't get a speech, any loving words, which is totally fine because he says sweet things to me all the time. I think we're already living as a couple so it felt more like we were just making it official - we both have made it known where our relationship had been going. So here I am the day after my proposal, and I feel the exact same as yesterday. Happy, loved, but with a beautiful ring to look at on my finger. I did keep smiling for about an hour after I got the ring. But I don't think there's anything wrong with how your feeling. I'm already getting all the "when's the date" "what locations are you thinking" - ummmm we've been engaged 14 hours! We'll sit down and talk about it when it's time. Let me just enjoy this time together. Before all the work begins

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/23/2010 11:46:47 AM
Author:UnderBlue
Don't you hate it when you don't feel like you think you should? Or like society/culture tells you that you should feel?


I got engaged a couple weeks ago. Even at the time it happened I wasn't giddy or smiling ear-to-ear or over the moon or ecstatic. It wasn't a traditional proposal, becasue I didn't think I wanted that. There was no ring or secret plan or down on one knee, I didn't really realize he was asking at the time. I'm fairly low key, I was kind of expecting something to happen when it did, I don't get excited too easily, so I'm ind of used to my reaction.


Then, a friend also got engaged and she's gushed about how excited she is and how she can't stop smiling and all those things we're told we should feel when we get engaged. Seeing the pictures from her proposal does make me wish my guy had planned something, anything. And they make me wish a little that there was a ring at the time just so something was different.


It's making me wonder if there's something wrong with me, wrong with my engagement, wrong with my relationship.

Only you can determine if something is "wrong" with your relationship. I don't know enough about you, your engagement OR your relationship to answer that. All I can tell is my own experience.

My husband and I got engaged by a text message, while he was in another province for a few weeks. There was no ring and it was in some rather unusual, spontaneous circumstances (read: no major plan to the proposal!). I opted not to get an engagement ring (and I am now having a custom ring set done and paying for it from my own tax refund!). We married ten weeks later, with a very small wedding (16 guests in all), it was a completely non-traditional and unique ceremony (and it was awesome). Even the planning was rather unscripted and casual in contradiction to most wedding planning I see.

It was entirely NOT within the wedding industry standard! And we would not change a thing about it.

And, we were both very excited about it. No, we did not jump up and down and squeal and make status updates about our engagement or our wedding, or call everyone and their dog to let them know, or run out and buy wedding magazines. Most people did not even know about our engagement, until after our wedding. It may have appeared to some we were not excited at all in accordance to the societal expectations. But we were very excited. We were ready to get married, felt very comfortable about our decision, we made it together in the way that fit for us, and we were very excited to continue our life journey together.

I will say this, in my opinion, people who have placed a lot of their self-identity on their marital status or have put a lot of emphasis on getting engaged and married tend to fit a little more into the "societal expectations" of how people should react to their engagement. For myself and my husband, marriage felt right for us, but neither of us put our sense of self or our identity into our marital status. It was exciting to get engaged, and to get married, but in a very private, intimate way that was personal to us. Not in a grand showing to the rest of the world. You have no idea what is really going on within your friend, or her relationship with her fiance (or within her fiance either). Why bother comparing?

My husband and I like to take a Buddhist saying and alter it a little replacing the "enlightenment" with "marriage": "Before Enlightenment: chop wood, carry water
After Enlightenment: chop wood, carry water". Yes, some things "feel" slightly different in a personal way to us now that we are married, but really, the substance of our relationship and who we are as individuals is still the same...we as individuals and how we relate together is ever fluid and changing, but this is not determined by external factors or social recognition. And, I think that is wonderful Life carries on....you are still you...your partner is still who he is...and engagement, marriage, and enlightenment don't change that.

 

[janinegirly]

I remember some of your other threads when you were torn on when the engagement would happen, and how your FI would go about it/mixed signals and various other things.

I think you really need to assess things since it is clear from several threads that what you want and what is reality may not be the same thing, but you are trying to merge the 2 in your mind. Problem is your true repressed feelings may creep up here and there and will eventually undermine things or you''ll become resentful / unhappy. I don''t mean to take away from what should be a happy time, but it just really sounds like you yearn for things to be more traditional (perhaps a heartfelt proposal or maybe a ring as well or some symbolic gesture) which is perfectly normal.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/23/2010 12:38:26 PM
Author: janinegirly
I remember some of your other threads when you were torn on when the engagement would happen, and how your FI would go about it/mixed signals and various other things.


I think you really need to assess things since it is clear from several threads that what you want and what is reality may not be the same thing, but you are trying to merge the 2 in your mind. Problem is your true repressed feelings may creep up here and there and will eventually undermine things or you''ll become resentful / unhappy. I don''t mean to take away from what should be a happy time, but it just really sounds like you yearn for things to be more traditional (perhaps a heartfelt proposal or maybe a ring as well or some symbolic gesture) which is perfectly normal.

I have not read your other threads, but I will agree based on this with janinegirly.

 

[KittyGolightly]

Date: 3/23/2010 12:38:26 PM
Author: janinegirly
I remember some of your other threads when you were torn on when the engagement would happen, and how your FI would go about it/mixed signals and various other things.

I think you really need to assess things since it is clear from several threads that what you want and what is reality may not be the same thing, but you are trying to merge the 2 in your mind. Problem is your true repressed feelings may creep up here and there and will eventually undermine things or you''ll become resentful / unhappy. I don''t mean to take away from what should be a happy time, but it just really sounds like you yearn for things to be more traditional (perhaps a heartfelt proposal or maybe a ring as well or some symbolic gesture) which is perfectly normal.

It isn''t too late for a more traditional proposal if you want one! Just tell FI how you feel.

 

[LilyKat]

It took me a few days to get into it, honestly. It took time to sink in. I was happy, but didn''t feel like a different person, and I definitely wasn''t gushing. It was more like a gradual realisation over a few days. As more and more people found out and started congratulating me, the reality hit and then it was really great

That said, I do agree that you need to think carefully about why you feel this way. Do you feel that your engagement is in some way not "real" as you missed out certain traditional aspects? As if your fiance isn''t taking this as seriously as you would expect? Only you know what the situation is.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I didn''t have the traditional proposal either or an engagement ring - and we kept it secret from everyone for 6 weeks - and then married spontaneously a week later. I wasn''t gushing either (well - I wasn''t telling anyone so how could I gush?) and part of me would have liked a more formal proposal, but what I really wanted was to marry my husband In the end, that''s all a proposal is - a plan to marry.

Only you can say whether your feelings now are indicative of any real problems, or whether you''re feeling a little (normal) disappointment.

 

[trillionaire]

I think it''s hard to know what you want before it happens. I wanted a proposal that involved my family... and FI proposed at my family reunion. I love the sentiment, and the story that I have to tell, but it was a little overwhelming. I would have been more comfortable with both or either of our immediate families, rather than every family member that I''ve ever had, lol! On top of that, FI did a drive-by proposal, and proposed on a Saturday night and left Sunday morning. My family was leaving for vacation, heading to the beach, and FI was invited to attend (in advance), but he had to work. I cried for an hour on the way to the beach. I was very happy, but also overwhelmed, and really needed to be with FI so that we could process it all together. It was a big whirlwind, and not exactly what I expected, but at the end of the day, I got a wonderful FI out of the equation!

 

[lilyfoot]

I was very excited to be engaged, but my excitement only went as far as inside my head/heart, and in private talks with my FI.

I''m a very private person, so I was definitely not "gushing" about it. I know what you mean though, a lot of girls I know have gotten engaged after I did, and they put pictures up on FB of the proposal, ring, etc, made multiple status updates about being engaged, etc etc.

The moment when my FI proposed to me was so special, and so private, I don''t care to share it with anyone. That will forever be a moment that is just between us (and our dogs

).

You shouldn''t feel bad if you''re not like the girls I mentioned above, because neither am I. But, I do think it''s something to be excited about, so if you''re not feeling ANYTHING at all, I think I''d be a bit worried.

 

[monkeyprincess]

My engagement thus far has been an emotional and stressful, yet wonderful and exciting, time, and I find my emotions are kind of all over the place. But I haven''t for one second questioned my relationship. My proposal was just what I would have wanted, so I can''t say how I would feel if it hadn''t been, but I can relate to not exactly feeling the way society seems to think a new bride-to-be should feel. I''m just not one to wear my emotions on my sleeve either, so there was no jumping up and down and shrieking. But inside I was so, so happy to be engaged.

You know yourself best and what a normal reaction for you would be. My advice would just be to trust your gut on this. If it just about the proposal, keep in mind that a proposal is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. But if this is just a small symptom of a greater problem, then you have some thinking to do.