Positive thoughts, please.

[Skippy123]

sending lots of dust and prayers

 

[Autumnovember]

AN,

Speaking as a daughter that has been there, and in a very similar situation, I feel for your best friend. My mother was initially diagnosed when I was 19, her cancer came out of remission when I was 23. She passed away when I was 26, and only about 2 weeks before I got engaged. Had she known it was happening, she might have tried to hold out. Had she tried to hold out, I don't know that I would have been able to make that trip to Vegas...but that is another story.

Look, cancer sucks. It sucks for everyone around the person, but it sucks a million times more for the person with that diagnosis. My mom was the best fighter I have ever known and she fought hard until the bitter end. Through YEARS of chemotherapy, through YEARS of tamoxifen, years of "I'm going to die", years of nausea and puking. And the years I went through of watching were NOTHING compared to what she went through.

She is not giving up. She is actively making the choice to die. She is taking the brave road. It is not easy to make the decision to stop a life-extending treatment, but even though it sucks to look at it from a position so close to her, she has made the harder choice. It would be so much easier for her to do what her daughter and family wants her to do in trying the chemo and potentially extending her life by some amount of time.

I remember knowing when my mom "gave up", when the chemo started to make the hair fall out, and she didn't shave it. I knew that time was different. She was preparing to die. She still went to chemo until about a week before she died, but she had started to make her peace with death far before stopping the chemo.

Chemo sucks, every single day you are sick and so sick that you want to die, so while there is more time, the time is of less quality. It becomes a question of quality versus quantity.

So, my advice, this is her decision. Let her be. Let her be at peace with her choice. And you guys do everything you can to make it the best time of her life that you can. Tell your friend to be there for her mom. Tell her to do everything she can to be at peace with her mom's choice.

And let your best friend cry on your shoulder. And talk. Feel free to cry with her. It helps deal with the grief. Remember: she's choosing quality, not quantity. Tell your friend that.

I hope that I can be so brave when it is my time to go.

Hugs to you all.

Thank you for sharing, Freke. I appreciate it and needed to hear that.

This is definitely been a long battle for her. Her story is similar to your mom's.

Even though its been a while that she has been battling, she has gone so downhill so fast.

Initially when she wanted to give up doing the chemo, we convinced her to keep going (and in hindsight, maybe it wasn't the right thing to do) but this time, I think we've all agreed that its just best to respect her decision and her wishes.

She is a shell of who she was and if her choosing this means she gets to have a least some kind of quality of what is left of her time, then this is how it needs to be.

There are just so many questions running through my mind. She has been like a second mom to me, I have been very close to her family is for almost 15 years now and its been difficult to see them go through this.

I cannot imagine what her mom is feeling. I can't imagine how hard it has been for her to deal with all of this and to ultimately make the decision that she has.

I have watched my dad go through chemo too and he made it through into remission and I have felt guilty that she hasn't had the same second chance.

I saw my best friend today and we didn't talk about it - I think we are both in denial that the inevitable is coming.

Her mom is in a lot of pain right now still and I'm thinking its because the chemo is still in her body but not sure. I just really, really hope that she can be pain free for the remainder of her life.

Her birthday is this Wednesday. I'm nervous to see her and I don't know why.

 

[Andelain]

Damn, how sad. Dust and prayers sent.

 

[Andelain]

........................

Her mom is in a lot of pain right now still and I'm thinking its because the chemo is still in her body but not sure. I just really, really hope that she can be pain free for the remainder of her life.

Her birthday is this Wednesday. I'm nervous to see her and I don't know why.

It's been 3-4 weeks since her last chemo? The chemo meds are pretty much out of her body by now. I hate to say it, but it sounds like her pain is from the cancer itself, or possible damage done by the chemo from taking so many doses of it. Unfortunately, the pain probably won't get any better without meds. More dust sent her way, and your's too.

 

[Autumnovember]

........................

Her mom is in a lot of pain right now still and I'm thinking its because the chemo is still in her body but not sure. I just really, really hope that she can be pain free for the remainder of her life.

Her birthday is this Wednesday. I'm nervous to see her and I don't know why.

It's been 3-4 weeks since her last chemo? The chemo meds are pretty much out of her body by now. I hate to say it, but it sounds like her pain is from the cancer itself, or possible damage done by the chemo from taking so many doses of it. Unfortunately, the pain probably won't get any better without meds. More dust sent her way, and your's too.

Thank you - we still need to talk to the doctors and figure out the best way to get the pain under control. She's having a ton of nausea too.

 

[Andelain]

........................

Her mom is in a lot of pain right now still and I'm thinking its because the chemo is still in her body but not sure. I just really, really hope that she can be pain free for the remainder of her life.

Her birthday is this Wednesday. I'm nervous to see her and I don't know why.

It's been 3-4 weeks since her last chemo? The chemo meds are pretty much out of her body by now. I hate to say it, but it sounds like her pain is from the cancer itself, or possible damage done by the chemo from taking so many doses of it. Unfortunately, the pain probably won't get any better without meds. More dust sent her way, and your's too.

Thank you - we still need to talk to the doctors and figure out the best way to get the pain under control. She's having a ton of nausea too.

At this point the pain itself could be causing the nausea, instead of the chemo. Do you know what they're giving her for the nausea? And since she's accepted her end, I'd hope her doc would be more generous with something for pain. There are some really potent meds out there, hopefully they'll find one that gives her the relief she needs and she can tolerate.

 

[Autumnovember]

........................

Her mom is in a lot of pain right now still and I'm thinking its because the chemo is still in her body but not sure. I just really, really hope that she can be pain free for the remainder of her life.

Her birthday is this Wednesday. I'm nervous to see her and I don't know why.

It's been 3-4 weeks since her last chemo? The chemo meds are pretty much out of her body by now. I hate to say it, but it sounds like her pain is from the cancer itself, or possible damage done by the chemo from taking so many doses of it. Unfortunately, the pain probably won't get any better without meds. More dust sent her way, and your's too.

Thank you - we still need to talk to the doctors and figure out the best way to get the pain under control. She's having a ton of nausea too.

At this point the pain itself could be causing the nausea, instead of the chemo. Do you know what they're giving her for the nausea? And since she's accepted her end, I'd hope her doc would be more generous with something for pain. There are some really potent meds out there, hopefully they'll find one that gives her the relief she needs and she can tolerate.

About two weeks ago she went to the hospital because the nausea was so bad and her Zofran was not working. They gave her IV fluids for it at the hospital that apparently did not help much either. I have no clue if they have given her something else now.

As for the pain, it seems like nothing has been working for her. Morphine, while in the hospital, did not help much so they gave her Dilaudid. I know she had percocets at home but they don't work for her anymore either. She may have Oxy's but I'm not positive.

And you're right, the nausea could definitely be from the pain itself.

 

[FrekeChild]

AN, do you know where the cancer has spread to?

 

[Autumnovember]

AN, do you know where the cancer has spread to?

I'm pretty sure into her bones. I'll double check. Whenever I ask my best friend questions she seems kind of confused herself.

She has been on oxygen for a while now too because she keeps getting fluid in her lungs which makes it hard for her to breathe. They're saying the fluid is coming from the cancer cells. Her right lung is completely non functioning at this point.

She has also had lymphoma for a long time so her right arm doesn't function either and she says that a lot of her pain stems from that too.

 

[FrekeChild]

I'm sorry AN. Fluid in the lungs is never a good thing. Has she had surgery to drain the fluid? Or is that something she'd refuse?

My mom had the surgery, and it helped improve her quality of life for a while.

I hope she's able to get on a pain regimen that will allow her to be as pain free as possible. And soon.

I'm really glad you and your BFF have each other to lean on for support. I would not have dealt so well if it had not been for my husband, whose mom passed away 6 months before we met.

 

[Autumnovember]

I'm sorry AN. Fluid in the lungs is never a good thing. Has she had surgery to drain the fluid? Or is that something she'd refuse?

My mom had the surgery, and it helped improve her quality of life for a while.

I hope she's able to get on a pain regimen that will allow her to be as pain free as possible. And soon.

I'm really glad you and your BFF have each other to lean on for support. I would not have dealt so well if it had not been for my husband, whose mom passed away 6 months before we met.

She has had the fluid drained about 3 or 4 times and it just comes back.

I hope she is able to live to out the rest of her life pain free too.

Luckily, best friend has a very strong support system and a group of friends/family that will be there for her at all times.

 

[violet3]

I'm late to this thread because I've been off PS for a while, but I'm sending you EVERY dust, prayer, and positive thought I have for your friend's mom. You're a good friend - ****************************dust*******************************

 

[Autumnovember]

I'm late to this thread because I've been off PS for a while, but I'm sending you EVERY dust, prayer, and positive thought I have for your friend's mom. You're a good friend - ****************************dust*******************************

Thank you, Violet. I really appreciate it so much.

 

[Autumnovember]

Hi everyone

It's been a little while since I last updated everyone so I wanted to let those of you who have sent positive thoughts know what is going on.

My best friends mom is still on hospice. For a little while she really wasn't make a lot of sense anytime she spoke to us. Now that her system is getting used to the medication, she is more aware and more like herself.

This Friday, we will be holding a private wedding ceremony for immediate family and friends. My best friend knows that it has to be this way if she wants her mom to see her get married. Her mom is happy with her decision to legally get married before the real wedding day. This has been tough though because it is making everything even more real. My best friend is really upset that Friday is going to be a really sad day because she feels as though he mom will 'let go' after it is over. I keep reminding her that it doesn't have to be a sad day, that we can make it a happy one, that we will all have a good time. Her bridal shower is on Saturday and part of the gift I got her was a fire pit. Instead of giving it to her at the shower, I'm surprising her with it on Friday. She is having other friends come over after the ceremony/dinner to swim - and make s'mores! I think it will help brighten her day. I was originally going to do her make up and hair and today her cousin offered to to treat her to both. All of our friends who will be there for the ceremony is contributing to bringing something food wise. It's been really nice to see everyone come together for her. I know it will inevitably be an emotional day for all of us but I'm going to try my absolute best to make this a happy memory for her and the family.

When I was speaking to her yesterday, she said something that really crushed me. Somehow, I knew that at some point she would say it. She told me that she wished her mom could be the way she was at my wedding, for hers. That killed me, completely.

All of this has been extra hard for her because she has a lot of other personal issues going on. Her brothers have accepted the circumstances much better than she has and she can feel it. I try to remind her that everyone is different and reacts differently to situations.

I guess along with all the BS going on in my life right now too, I'm really trying my best to be strong for her and her family. Right now, that's all I can really do.

Please, if you could, send happy vibes for Friday. We're all going to need it.

 

[Andelain]

Vibes, dust, and prayers sent for all of you.

 

[Autumnovember]

Vibes, dust, and prayers sent for all of you.

Thanks Andelain - all of the same to you

 

[Enerchi]

BEst of luck to you and your friend, on friday. It will be a very highly emotional day. I hope her mom rallies a bit so your friend can see more of the "old mom" (like when she was at your wedding) than what mom is suffering with now... but bottom line - Mom is *present* and at the wedding. I have known people who lost parents shortly before their wedding day and it was very bitter sweet. I guess it isn't much consolation, but better than the alternative...??

I hope it all goes smoothly for both of you. Best wishes and lots of dust ---for all concerned! {{{HUGS}}}

 

[Autumnovember]

BEst of luck to you and your friend, on friday. It will be a very highly emotional day. I hope her mom rallies a bit so your friend can see more of the "old mom" (like when she was at your wedding) than what mom is suffering with now... but bottom line - Mom is *present* and at the wedding. I have known people who lost parents shortly before their wedding day and it was very bitter sweet. I guess it isn't much consolation, but better than the alternative...??

I hope it all goes smoothly for both of you. Best wishes and lots of dust ---for all concerned! {{{HUGS}}}

Thanks Enerchi. I remind her of exactly what you said. She usually just says "I know but I didn't want it to be this way and I know she is going to let go and not be there for the big wedding in September." She just needs to take it day by day because really, what else can one do? Thank you for the thoughts!

 

[FrekeChild]

Hugs to all of you.

I have talked to my husband about it before. Right after he proposed, he started crying in the middle of The Strip, and I asked what was wrong, he said how he wished that my mom would have still been there for it.

I know my mom, if she had known that he was planning to propose 2 weeks after she passed, she would have held on and waited for me to get engaged. But I'm really glad she didn't - she was suffering enough at the end, if she had waited even longer, she would have been in that much more pain. I selfishly would have loved for her to know about it, but I couldn't bear the thought of her being in more pain.

Recently I was going through my old emails and I pulled up all of her emails - I had sent her a picture of my engagement ring stone, and sent her pictures of dresses I liked. I mentioned it in passing to my husband, who stopped in his tracks. He told me that he hadn't known that she had any idea that we were headed in that direction, and that gave him some amount of peace.

I am so glad that your friend is doing this so her mother can be there to witness it. That is wonderful.

 

[Autumnovember]

Hugs to all of you.

I have talked to my husband about it before. Right after he proposed, he started crying in the middle of The Strip, and I asked what was wrong, he said how he wished that my mom would have still been there for it.

I know my mom, if she had known that he was planning to propose 2 weeks after she passed, she would have held on and waited for me to get engaged. But I'm really glad she didn't - she was suffering enough at the end, if she had waited even longer, she would have been in that much more pain. I selfishly would have loved for her to know about it, but I couldn't bear the thought of her being in more pain.

Recently I was going through my old emails and I pulled up all of her emails - I had sent her a picture of my engagement ring stone, and sent her pictures of dresses I liked. I mentioned it in passing to my husband, who stopped in his tracks. He told me that he hadn't known that she had any idea that we were headed in that direction, and that gave him some amount of peace.

I am so glad that your friend is doing this so her mother can be there to witness it. That is wonderful.

Just wanted to let you know that everything went well.

One of our good friends suggested she get in her real wedding dress so that she can take photos with her mom in it. Her older brother got some really nice pictures of them together and I'm sure she will be glad that she did that in the future.

The ceremony was in the downstairs area of her house and the plan was to bring her mom down there but a few minutes before we were going to do that she told us she didn't feel well enough.

We ended up positioning her at the top of the stairs so she could watch there. She was in perfect view for me and I was able to watch her smile through the entire ceremony.

It was really bitter sweet. You know, just to know why we were doing all of that. I'm just glad her mom was able to see that.

We ended the night with everyone around the fire pit that I bought her, roasting s'mores. My best friend said it WAS a happy day and she was so glad that it wasn't a completely sad one like she thought it would be.

 

[JewelFreak]

What a lovely lovely way to do it, AN. I'm so glad her mother got to see it -- glad for the mother, the bride, and you; I know you love her too.

My mother died of cancer too & several friends. One thing you can assure your friend is that, if her mom lets go before Sept., it is because she is ready to. There comes a point where you're at peace with what's happening & slipping into the next phase feels natural and right. She knows her children are ok; she saw your friend set out on her new life on her happy day, so she can leave without worry. Don't believe she won't be there in Sept., either -- she will, one way or another. You'll feel her -- I was very sad my father wasn't alive when I got married, but during the ceremony I felt him standing just behind my right shoulder. It was so definite, I was sure if I turned around, I'd see him there. All of you who matter -- her children & their friends & the new DH gave her a day full of love -- for her and for each other. That is a gift beyond price for her to take along with her and it will be okay.

Big tight hug,

--- Laurie

 

[junebug17]

Oh dear, I have tears in my eyes as I type this...I'm at a bit of a loss here because of the sadness of all of this, but I'm so glad your friend's mom had the chance to see her daughter get married - very bittersweet I know, but I think your friend will be glad she planned things this way and that her mother was with her on her wedding day. Your friend created a very important memory that will stay with her forever. As for your friend's concern that her mom will give up, Jewel Freak's response was so perfect that I can't really add to it or do better. Sorry if I'm rambling a bit. I'm very, very sorry for what your friend's mom and her family are going through - (((hugs))) to you all. You are a great friend.

 

[Autumnovember]

Hi everyone -

This past Tuesday (September 4th) my best friends mom passed away. Everything happened so fast...she was conscious and speaking on Saturday and Sunday, fell into a very deep sleep and became pretty unresponsive in terms on stimuli. I told my best friend to call her little brother, who was in AZ for school, to tell him to take next flight out. 4 hours later, he was on a flight back to Philadelphia. That night, I slept over my best friends house and so did another friend, constantly checking on her mom every 2 hours and giving her medication to keep her comfortable; we knew the end was coming close. At 6 am we both got up and went to pick up her brother. I prayed the whole way there and back that she would hold on until we got back home. When we did come home, we all went up to her room to see her. Her little brother gave her a kiss and let her know he was home. I checked out her breathing and saw it had changed in comparison to before we left. I knew it was a matter of hours at that point....I just didn't know that what I thought would be hours, was actually going to be minutes. Exhausted from the night before, I told my best friend I was going to go take a nap and be back when I got up. We live two minutes apart from each other, thankfully. I got home, tried to nap, and couldn't. I laid in bed for 20 minutes...and got the text from my best friend, that she was gone. I got there in a matter of minutes and ran upstairs to her room. My heart sank. I sank even more when her dad begged me to confirm it.

Coincidentally, September 4th was the 8 year anniversary of a good friends death. Just ironic that the last time I death with a very difficult death was exactly 8 years to the day. I loved both her mom and my friend so much.

What made all of this even more difficult was the fact that her wedding was Friday.

Her mom passed on Tuesday, funeral as on a wednesday and the weddin was on Friday.

Lots of emotions going on. It is all very surreal still. The funeral was beyond difficult. Her mom was such a lively, energetic person, known for her awesome sense of humor and her love to tell jokes.

We have gotten some solid signs from her that I would love to share if anyone cares to hear.

The wedding went on because her mon requested multiple times that no matter what happened, the wedding would not postponed. And they respected that wish of hers. We had a fantastic time at the wedding. We were afraid that it would be very emotional but it was just the right amount. Her father, who we worried about most for he wedding, had a really good time. I seems like it helped begin the healing process for all.

 

[minousbijoux]

Oh Autumn, I'm so sorry for your loss. The beautiful thing about this whole story is that you all appreciated her passing and let her go. You were there for her. You respected her wishes. She was at home where she wanted to be. Because of you, the brother arrived just in time. The wedding sounds wonderful, and it does sound like the Dad has had enough time to process her passing to at least not be completely overwhelmed by it, at least right now.

I would very much like to know about the signs you referred to - as I think I had similar things occur when my Mom was passing.

 

[Cluless]

Autumn, so sorry for your loss xo. I would also like to hear about the signs you reffered to.

 

[Autumnovember]

Thank you for the condolences, ladies.

We're trying to just normalize everything now. It all feels really weird.

So, about the signs that we got from her...

The night before her mom passed away, I was staying over my BF's house (because I knew her mom was getting ready to go). I wanted to lay in bed and watch some TV in her little brothers room (he's away at school) but I couldn't figure out how to work the TV. I decided I would go downstairs into the living room and just watch TV there until I got tired. The kitchen is located right next to the living room. I sat down, put the TV on and began to watch. I heard someone talking in the kitchen and went to check who it was. Nobody. I first thought to myself, "ah just hearing things!" No. It happened 3 more times. It wasn't just one person talking, it was multiple people. 4 or 5. I heard the cabinet's shut a few times, like someone was getting a glass. I checked every single time, mainly because it was so clear to me and because her husband was home and so was our other friend. I was surprised to find the kitchen empty every single time. I got really freaked out and went upstairs and stayed up there. The next day, her mom passed. The other friend who was also at the house the same time I was, asked me the following day if I was walking around and talking on my cell phone the night before. I'm sure my face went completely pale because she asked me what was wrong. I told her I wasn't on my phone with anyone at all at any point and that I was downstairs in the living room watching TV. And that I heard the exact same thing as she did. Strangely enough, after we both realized we both heard the same thing, I lost my breath, as if I had just walked up 5 flights of stairs. Never had that happen to me. After a good friend of mine passed away in high school, I read a book by Raymond Moody called "Life After Life." It is a compilation of interviews with people who were clinically dead at one point and their experiences during their death. I instantly thought back to this book and remembered that some people mentioned having been greeted by those that they knew in life that already passed on. I really do believe that what I heard that night were a few people from her mom's past (deceased), that were there to greet her when she passed and help her transition into the next phase.

Then...

I was over my best friends house and was sitting in the backyard talking with her husband, the night of the funeral. I was talking to him about the signs I got from a friend who had passed when we were 17 and how much they moved me and changed me. I strongly believe in signs from those that have passed and I also believe that there are people that are able to pick up this energy from the deceased better than others. While I was explaining my thoughts to him about this and was about to say that I didn't feel her mom's presence yet, my best friend came outside and told me to come in. I walked in and she said that the lights all over the house started to flicker. I noticed that the kitchen light was off, yet the stove top light was on. The living room lights were off, the hallway light on. As soon as I started saying it was a sign from her mom, the stove top light began to flicker. They tried to get the lights to turn back on but couldn't. We all just stood there, kind of amazed by what just happened. My best friends sister in law then began to tell us about a conversation she had with my best friends mom when she was still coherent. It was a conversation I desperately wanted to have with her as well but didn't know how to ever bring it up. She told us that one day, they were talking and her mom mentioned having seen a show about people who have passed how how these people have communicated with those that were still alive. She told SIL that she would give us a sign to let us know she was ok. The sign, she said, would involve the lights. She told SIL not to be scared when it happened.

Later on that night, I was upstairs with BF, just sitting and talking while everyone else was downstairs. Her brother came upstairs at some point and asked us what fell? We were kind of puzzled because we didn't hear anything fall. He told us it was REALLY loud and came from upstairs and that everyone heard it. Not sure what that could have been.

The day of the wedding, during the ceremony, there were multiple birds that were flying over all of us while the priest spoke. Birds are significant to us.

Nothing has happened since then. I'm kind of surprised. I am still a bit afraid to sleep at night in the dark but I'm getting over it. I haven't felt her presence....

 

[Andelain]

Autumn, I'm so sorry for you loss. I also lost a very dear friend on Sept 11, and am grieving with you. Our hearts can heal together.

 

[Autumnovember]

Autumn, I'm so sorry for you loss. I also lost a very dear friend on Sept 11, and am grieving with you. Our hearts can heal together.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss too, Andelain Someday our hearts will heal....