Please tell me that I''m being unreasonable

[SuLi]

Hi everyone!

I haven''t been posting in this forum for a while...things have gotten really busy for me at work. Sorry for the long post/vent...

Just to refresh my story a bit, my fiance and I are "eloping" in October. I''ve never been the type of person who liked to be in the center of attention and never fancied myself having a traditional wedding. All of our family and friends know about the elopement - some of even joked that they are convinced we''re already married with 2.5 kids stashed away somewhere - and our families have planned a shower/party on the 14th as a way to celebrate with everyone without it being a "real" wedding.

Even though the wedding will just be the two of us, we decided that we were going to dress up and have pictures taken of us all around DC to commemorate our day. I bought a beautiful designer dress from Bergdorf Goodman earlier this year (my first designer dress, and probably my last), and my fiance decided that he wanted to buy (not rent) a nice black suit to wear. We decided to shop for the suit this past Sunday, mainly because he is going to be the co-best man at a wedding on the 28th and was just told that they wanted him to wear a black suit.

My fiance is the stereotypical "I hate shopping and don''t understand why you have to spend money on clothing" kind of guy. In fact, I''m the one that does the clothes shopping for him. He''s very laid back in every day life, and for work, wears knakis, buttondown shirts, and a tie. Nothing really formal. We went to a few places locally -- Nordstrom, Brooks Brothers, Neiman Marcus, and Hugo Boss.

Instead of laying out the entire shopping process, we came to a HUGE disagreement over which suit to buy. I didn''t realize (because he wasn''t upfront about it) that he in his mind, he did not want to spend more than $300 on a suit. I don''t mean to seem like I''m being snooty, but I thought it would have been a little more appropriate for him to spend a little more than that and invest in a nicer suit, especially since there will be three occassions alone this year that he will be wearing it (two wedding and our wedding). Selfishly, I also thought that a cheaper suit might not look as nice next to my designer dress (god, I sound like such a brat).

His favorite suit was one from Brooks Brothers, which came to about $900 and alterations being extra (because we needed the suit sooner due to the co-best man situation). The suit was nice, but it felt heavy and stiff to me. He was already sweating in the dressing room, and I kept thinking about how that would look in our pictures in October (since we live in the DC area, DC is still pretty warm in early October). The suit that I liked was one from Hugo Boss, which was $1050 with free alterations. The material was much lighter, plus, it was with flat-fronted pants. I have a HUGE aversion to pleated pants on men. He had a huge mental block about the price of the Hugo Boss suit, mainly because it was slightly over $1000. I don''t know what happened, but I got really mad at him, and we drove home angry, without any suit.

In all the time that we''ve been together, almost ten years, we''ve rarely had opportunity to dress up formally. So, I really wanted him to make the effort to look nice on our wedding day. I thought that it would make the day a little more special especially because we are getting pictures taken and the fact that we will be making reservations at one of the best restaurants in DC for our wedding dinner. He didn''t agree with me because to him, all suits look the same. Later that evening, he went back and purchased a suit, but did not tell me which one he got. I guess I won''t find out until the alterations are complete.

I think the reason this is important to me is because we aren''t having the traditional wedding -- I know this is going to read as though I am regretting not having the traditional wedding, but it''s not the case. I think that since I have so little else to worry about as far as our wedding goes (planning-wise) that this has become the thing that I''ve latched onto. I just want us to look like the best versions of ourselves on this milestone day.

We''re still pretty mad at each other, and haven''t spoke too much. I''m beginning to think that I was being unreasonable, and should have just been supportive.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Courtneylub]

I don''t think you''re being completely unreasonable, but you also shouldn''t be stressing about the suit to this extent. I understand what you mean about latching on to this one thing because you''re eloping and there''s not much more to worry about. But choose your battles wisely. I would let it go at this point. He''s already picked the suit he''s going to wear and I''m sure it''s going to be fine. I know you want the 2 of you to look great and you will. It doesn''t have to be a top of the line suit. No one will no the difference but the 2 of you.

 

[krispi]

To be quite honest, that sounds like an awfully huge amount of money to spend on a suit to me. I know my ex husband found a really nice, simple black DKNY suit at Men''s Wearhouse for just over $200 a couple of years ago. Paired with the right shirt and tie, it looked really nice and was very versatile for a lot of different occasions. Maybe you guys can compromise and find a nice suit that''s a little more toward his desired price range?

 

[sklingem]

I don''t think that you are unreasonable. Have you thought about going to Filene''s basement for example or some outlet? You could lookf for designer suits that have been heavily discounted. There are always great deals! Good luck!

 

[October2008bride]

I also don''t think that you are being completely unreasonable. Could it be that it is not about the suit as much as it is about how your FH doesn''t seem to think it is as important/one special occassion/etc as you do? I know that is how I would feel if my FI decided to get a not-as-nice suit for our wedding when I was wearing a designer dress.

I do, however, think it is possible to get a nice suit for under 1000 (if that is his breaking point). I''d keep looking. Tell him your concerns that you just want to find something that is suited to the elegance and importance of the day - and remind him that at least he gets to wear his outfit again!!

As far as starting the conversation, I''d maybe start it with an apology - that he was right, you did overreact to the suit. However, the reasons why you reacted that way is because you want to find something that makes him look as good as possible since it is your wedding day and the pictures will be around forever, however that doesn''t necessarily mean a super expensive suit.

I don''t know - those are my thoughts!

 

[Pandora II]

I''m with you on this one.

For a start, a man will get far more wear out of a suit than we ever will out of a dress.

A smart suit is always useful for intervies, weddings, funerals etc etc etc.

I used to work in men''s suiting. The company I worked for actually made Hugo Boss suits, and there is a huge difference between a good suit and a cheap one. The fabric is tested for wear properly, the cut is better and the overall make-up is better. Above all it is the fabric that is most important.

My father bought his morning suit for his wedding in 1971 and is wearing it for mine in July. It must have been used for at least 30 occasions over the years. A decent everyday suit should last a long time.

This is also the suit you will be looking at in your photographs for a long time to come. I feel that if you are spending money on a photographer and saving money on not having the whole wedding shebang, it is not unreasonable to expect him to wear something a bit special!

 

[Stephanie]

Is the 900 including alterations? I know it says that alterations are extra, but just didn''t know if that was the total. Because if the HB suit is over 1000 with free alterations then it may be cheaper in the end to go with the HB suit over BB.

I''m all for going with better fabrics and cuts that last longer.

 

[SuLi]

Thanks for the advice everyone. And thanks for being "kind" to me with this blow-up.

The problem with my fiance is that he is tall, at 6''5" around 200 pounds. There were few options at the several places that we looked at, which is kind of the story of his life as far as clothing goes. This issue also leads me to believe that we''d have even less luck at places like Filene''s. I know that price doesn''t necessarily equal quality, but some of the suits that we saw closer to his initial price-range weren''t that nice, quite frankly. The two suits that he currently owns were from Macy''s and Jo.A Bank, and both were around $300, and definitely are not as nicely cut as the Brooks Brothers and Hugo Boss suit.

Part of the problem right now is that we got such late notice from the wedding that my FI is going to be a co-best man at regarding suits (they decided on Friday that they wanted the men to wear black suits). All the places we looked at said that tailoring would take at least three weeks unless we ponied up more money to expedite it. At Brooks Brothers, the suit he liked, we''d have to pay extra for the alterations, whereas at Hugo Boss, the alterations, even expedited, were free. I think for him, it''s now the "prinicple" of the matter, even though at the end of the day, both suits would be "equal" in price.

At this point, it''s too late and I''m just going to let it go since he went back and purchased something. I don''t know what it is and I''ll just have to suck it up. Honestly, this is the first big fight that we''ve had in a really long time. We''re both usually very laid-back and rarely ever have an argument.

Thanks again.

 

[Pandora II]

FI bought a tuxedo for his brother''s wedding in Brooks Brothers NYC last October as it''s way cheaper in the US than the UK.

We bought it on the Monday, picked it up fully altered on the Wednesday and the wedding was the Saturday.

I am AMAZED they can''t do it quicker.

They also didn''t charge for alterations.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 6/3/2008 12:57:58 PM
Author: SuLi
Thanks for the advice everyone. And thanks for being ''kind'' to me with this blow-up.

The problem with my fiance is that he is tall, at 6''5'' around 200 pounds. There were few options at the several places that we looked at, which is kind of the story of his life as far as clothing goes. This issue also leads me to believe that we''d have even less luck at places like Filene''s. I know that price doesn''t necessarily equal quality, but some of the suits that we saw closer to his initial price-range weren''t that nice, quite frankly. The two suits that he currently owns were from Macy''s and Jo.A Bank, and both were around $300, and definitely are not as nicely cut as the Brooks Brothers and Hugo Boss suit.

Part of the problem right now is that we got such late notice from the wedding that my FI is going to be a co-best man at regarding suits (they decided on Friday that they wanted the men to wear black suits). All the places we looked at said that tailoring would take at least three weeks unless we ponied up more money to expedite it. At Brooks Brothers, the suit he liked, we''d have to pay extra for the alterations, whereas at Hugo Boss, the alterations, even expedited, were free. I think for him, it''s now the ''prinicple'' of the matter, even though at the end of the day, both suits would be ''equal'' in price.

At this point, it''s too late and I''m just going to let it go since he went back and purchased something. I don''t know what it is and I''ll just have to suck it up. Honestly, this is the first big fight that we''ve had in a really long time. We''re both usually very laid-back and rarely ever have an argument.

Thanks again.

Well as between the BB and the HB, I totally see the value in going with the HB. Since he has already bought something, I guess you aren''t going to be able to change his mind fully - however I still think you should explain how you felt about it. AND if he comes home with a suit that isn''t appropriate for the wedding, then I''d still say something. It''s your wedding too and you likely have the ''vision'' that he isn''t really seeing right now.

Good luck!

 

[purrfectpear]

OK, I''m going to speak up for the guy''s side on this (not the arguement part though).

I think as women we have a tendency to think that men can''t dress themselves worth a darn without our help. In a lot of cases that''s probably true...BUT...

How would you feel if your guy insisted he had to go shopping with you for your wedding dress (that you were paying for) and decided which one was for you? Uh huh. I thought so.

So maybe, just maybe he was OK in picking out his own clothes and deciding the level of $$$ he wanted to spend

 

[SuLi]

Date: 6/3/2008 4:44:05 PM
Author: purrfectpear
OK, I'm going to speak up for the guy's side on this (not the arguement part though).

I think as women we have a tendency to think that men can't dress themselves worth a darn without our help. In a lot of cases that's probably true...BUT...

How would you feel if your guy insisted he had to go shopping with you for your wedding dress (that you were paying for) and decided which one was for you? Uh huh. I thought so.

So maybe, just maybe he was OK in picking out his own clothes and deciding the level of $$$ he wanted to spend

I agree with your assessment...BUT, since we're not doing the traditional wedding, I did ask him if he wanted to come with me to shop for my dress, which he very quickly declined. It was HIS idea to ask me to go with him to shop for his suit, so I thought that he really wanted my help and opinion on this. I just wish that in hindsight, he fully laid out his thoughts about this versus going in blind.

I spoke with him last night about the argument, and he told me that he ended up getting the HB suit. I asked him if he was happy about it, and he said that he was feeling "okay". I guess we'll see what happens when he picks up the suit in a few weeks. Hopefully, with the alterations, he'll realize that he looks really nice in it and start to embrace it.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 6/4/2008 9:05:30 AM
Author: SuLi

I agree with your assessment...BUT, since we''re not doing the traditional wedding, I did ask him if he wanted to come with me to shop for my dress, which he very quickly declined. It was HIS idea to ask me to go with him to shop for his suit, so I thought that he really wanted my help and opinion on this. I just wish that in hindsight, he fully laid out his thoughts about this versus going in blind.

I spoke with him last night about the argument, and he told me that he ended up getting the HB suit. I asked him if he was happy about it, and he said that he was feeling ''okay''. I guess we''ll see what happens when he picks up the suit in a few weeks. Hopefully, with the alterations, he''ll realize that he looks really nice in it and start to embrace it.

Well - it is nice to see that both of you kind of conceded - you in that you were felt bad and thought you overreacted and he in that he actually bought the one that would make you ''happy''.

Hopefully this blows over soon! Are you feeling better now?

 

[diamondfan]

I know men are not usually into shopping and that it seems like a lot to spend. But this is your wedding and you want it to be special.

I happen to think while that is not an inexpensive suit, it certainly is not out of the realm. I bought my 15 year old a Hugo Boss suit at Nordstrom''s in the men''s department and spent nearly 750.00. He no longer fits in the kids section and I had to get him one. Your guy will find lots of times that this suit will come in handy. I know perspective is eveything, he is not a shopper, does not dress up a lot, and this seems to be a lot to spend. I would tell him you understand that, and maybe be willing to try Men''s Wearhouse just to see what the options are. Be nice about it, but if you really cannot find anything else tell him how great he looks and how much it means to you for him to view this as one of the most special days in your lives and you want him to feel the part by how he dresses.

 

[Gypsy]

Have you tried some outlets? I know you said you are in DC... so SYMS is just right there and you can get amazing suit deals there. Nordstrom Rack, Off Saks, Last Call Neimans. A thousand is a lot for a suit, but I also see your point. I would, personally look at some outlet type places and see what turns up... if nothing does... then get the 1000 suit. There is a BIG difference in a serious suit like a HB and something lower quality.

 

[HollyS]

Still not talking much?! It''s a suit, for heaven''s sake!

Sit down and really talk to each other. Make the first move. Don''t be stubborn.

And no. You weren''t unreasonable about preferrinig the HB suit; just your reaction to his knee jerk reaction. This is the stuff that breakups are made of. Small disagreements becoming huge stumbling blocks. Nip it in the bud.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi there! DH is also 6''5" tall and about 185lbs. He bought a Hugo Boss tuxedo from Nordstrom for our wedding, because they are cut better for tall slender men. Ironically, his tux ended up costing more than my dress! But he has already used it three times, with another two occasions on the horizon, so I think it was worth it.

I completely agree with you that it would be nice if he were in a great tux and it DOES make a difference (cheap ones DO look cheap... you can always spot a cheaply cut suit).

Can I propose a compromise for you two? Why don''t you find out the style name of the one you liked and then try to find it for less money on line. It will be the same suit, after all, and there are lots of discount designer tux internet retailers.

Oh, and the guys at Nordstrom in the mens'' dept are usually superbly trained. They should be able to look your guy up and down, guess his size, and find just the right cut for him.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 6/4/2008 2:17:43 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Hi there! DH is also 6''5'' tall and about 185lbs. He bought a Hugo Boss tuxedo from Nordstrom for our wedding, because they are cut better for tall slender men. Ironically, his tux ended up costing more than my dress! But he has already used it three times, with another two occasions on the horizon, so I think it was worth it.

I completely agree with you that it would be nice if he were in a great tux and it DOES make a difference (cheap ones DO look cheap... you can always spot a cheaply cut suit).

Can I propose a compromise for you two? Why don''t you find out the style name of the one you liked and then try to find it for less money on line. It will be the same suit, after all, and there are lots of discount designer tux internet retailers.

Oh, and the guys at Nordstrom in the mens'' dept are usually superbly trained. They should be able to look your guy up and down, guess his size, and find just the right cut for him.

I completely agree with this. I know he''s already ordered the suit, but can he cancel it? You can find Hugo Boss suits at reasonable prices online (with more size options than most stores).

I didn''t care what DH wore to our wedding, but he insisted on a tux, so he went out and found a tux he liked and I found the same tux in his size for much less online. He ordered it and just took it to Men''s Wearhouse for alterations--I think alterations were maybe $50?

I honestly think he''s going to resent that you made him buy a $1,000 suit he didn''t want, even if it is for your wedding day and even if he does wear it 1,000 more times. He was happy with a $300 suit, so I probably would have offered to pay the difference or something if having a $1,000 suit was important to me. I do understand where you are coming from, but he''s wearing it and he has to pay for it, yet he is also the one who did 100% of the compromising. I hope it all works out!

 

[spike13]

I don''t think you''re being unreasonable. But it sounds like it got blown out of proportion in terms of emotion on both sides.

Regardless of whatever suit he ends up with, have you tried sitting down and talking about the incident to sort out if this is really just about the suit? Maybe it''s both of your nerves getting the best of you? Or there''s something else bothering him or you?

I''m sure if you could calmly explain your points of view the two of you could come to an agreement.

I know a lot of times my FI and I get into huge arguments, there''s usually something else going on.

I think for a man of his size, having a well-made and properly tailored suit will make a huge difference - not only in how it looks but also in his comfort. My FI is also tall and he bought once bought a cheaper suit when we had a lot of occasions to attend. Before the 3rd one the suit was kind of falling apart. I found out later this is because in cheaper suits they glue and not sew everything. I guess my point is that you could point out it''s cheaper up front but might not be in the long run (because he''ll have to buy another) whereas if he spent more upfront it would last longer and be cheaper overall.

Here''s an
article about suits that I found very interesting. Not sure if you''re beyond this point or not but maybe it will help you make your case about finding a good price/quality compromise.


(I agree with you too on the pleated pants. I hate they way they look too!)

 

[SuLi]

Thanks for all the suggestions...I truly appreciated them.

We had a nasty storm roll through the DC area last Wednesday, which resulted in us losing power and AC from Wednesday until Saturday evening. So, we had a lot of time to just sit around, trying to stay cool and chat. We talked it out and everything is fine. Because he doesn''t typically buy clothing for himself (I''m the one that does it), he did not have a true conceptualization or grasp of how much a nice suit would cost. It was mostly the sticker shock that got to him, which caused him to shut down and shut me out as far as my opinions. He''s still a little shocked that he spent that much, but is okay with it now and is looking forward to pick up his suit.

I still feel badly that we had such a huge blow out over this since we rarely fight over anything. But, I''m guessing it''s just time to let it go.

Thanks again for your understanding and advice!

 

[Laurie2]

I think I know how you feel. We are getting married without quests at a chapel. But we are still dressing up, having professional photos, flowers the works. Just no guests or reception. My FI got a very nice suit at JC Penney at a very reasonable price. I totally understand wanting to make things special on your wedding day no matter what style wedding you are having. It will all iron out. Don''t worry