Please pray for my daughter

[Maisie]

I would really appreciate it if my friends here could spare some prayers for my daughter. She is only 14 and has been self harming. She has been dating a boy her age who is really messed up. I only found out about her self harming last night. Her phone had been in the shop for repair and I checked her texts when I got it back. I had noticed her mood seemed a bit low lately so I have been checking her facebook account and her phone.

She had told this boy that she felt that she wanted to spend more time with her girlfriends. He didn't like this very much and said he was going to kill himself. Thats when she cut herself. I told her she has to stay away from him. When he found this out he tried to hang himself and cut his wrists. I reported this to the police as I couldn't find his address. They found him and informed his parents. They had no idea that he was hurting himself or that he was so depressed. The police also came here to check on her. The boyfriend implied I am not a good parent. I am so worried about her. She would never have considered anything like this before she met him.

I do everything for my children and I am devastated that anyone would even think I am a bad parent. I think it was payback because his parents found out what he is doing (self harming) and he thinks its my fault. He shuts himself away in his room all the time and has an obsession with a fan of a rock band who committed suicide a couple of years ago. I wish I had shown more interest in who she was dating. I thought it was more of a friendship.

I have been to my daughter's school and asked them to make sure this boy and my daughter don't spend any more time together than neccessary. I am also going to ask my doctor to refer her for counselling. I want to nip this in the bud and stop it from going any further. I really didn't see this coming. She is normally my little sunshine girl. Her real dad has stopped all contact with her over the past few months. I think this must have contributed to it. She is very angry with him.

I wish I could make it all better for her. I don't know what to do.

 

[Puppmom]

Maisie, sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts. I have a 15yo DD and I can only imagine how worried you must be.

You may want to consider therapy yourself too. DH and I started therapy and our relationship with DD improved and so did her behavior. Our therapist called it therapy by osmosis. We obviously learned a lot and putting it into practice really improved things for all of us.

 

[dragonfly411]

Maisie - I am so sorry you are going through this. I'll be praying for you and her. I agree, perhaps you could go to counseling together even.

 

[Jennifer W]

Maisie, I'm so sorry to hear this. What a dreadful burden for you both. I can only pray that this will be a short-lived problem. I agree that counselling together and perhaps for her on her own might help - can you find a good resource nearby?

Hugs
Jen

 

[Steel]

The poor girl. I am so sad for her. What did she say when you spoke to her about all of this?

 

[Maisie]

There are always long waiting lists here in the UK for any kind of therapy.. as I am sure you know Steal and Jen. But I hope that they will get my daugher seen sooner rather than later.

When we talked about it Lou said she had really wanted to tell me but she was worried about her boyfriend. She felt responsible for his misery and thought he would get worse if I found out and stopped her seeing him. She is crying a lot and isn't eating properly. I am giving her lots of hugs and letting her talk if she wants to.

 

[packrat]

Aw Maisie, hugs to you both! I'm glad she talked to you about it tho, when you asked her. Ohhh boy but I wouldn't be 14 again if you paid me. Does she still want to see the boy?

 

[Maisie]

She says not but I think she does. She probably wants to see if he is feeling better to put her mind at rest. I believe he has been sectioned at a mental health ward for his own safety.

 

[dragonfly411]

Maisie - I think first and foremost you need to make sure she understands that she is never responsible for someone else's actions. The boy is responsible for how he treats himself, and she is responsible for how she treats herself. Also make sure she knows that she cannot be helpful to anyone unless she is healthy and confident in herself. I think those are really important things for girls to learn.

 

[Maisie]

Thank you Dragonfly. I agree with you completely and I will be trying to instill that into my daughter over the coming days and weeks.

 

[Steel]

Yes I am only too familiar with the systems - there aren't any to speak of. If she will let you, give her lots of extra, special cuddles.



Hopefully this will never happen but if you feel that she need immediate support just take her to the A&E, they have a psych available and that will force her entry into the support system which otherwise has up to 6 month waiting lists. Again, I hope you never need to use this.

 

[Maisie]

I didn't know that Steal. I hope I never need to use it but I am relieved to know there is something in place just in case.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Big hugs Maisie. I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Sending lots of positive dust and vibes your way. Stay strong.

 

[february2003bride]

Maisie- huge hugs from me. You are a fantastic mom! I hope this boy gets the treatment he obviously needs. Having multiple discussions with your DD on how people influence her (negative and positive) would be a good idea. If a boy can influence her to self harm whether it be directly or indirectly, would be a concern for me. The teen years are so hard

 

[swingirl]

I am so sorry you and your DD are going through such turmoil. I do hope things improve with your DD's mood and behavior. She is in pain and dealing with it the best way she knows how but she can learn new less destructive ways. Keep loving her, keep the boy away, remember you ARE a good parent (but we aren't mind-readers). Ask her if she wants to write a letter to her father and maybe she can verbalize her feelings even if the letter never gets sent.

Spend a lot of time together to keep the negativity away. You are doing a great job, Maisie. "Mom" is a hard job.

 

[Maisie]

Thanks for the advice. I am grateful. I am definitely keeping this boy away. He isn't well and it will rub off on her. I only want happiness for her. I don't want her to start down a road like this.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Maisie - I think first and foremost you need to make sure she understands that she is never responsible for someone else's actions. The boy is responsible for how he treats himself, and she is responsible for how she treats herself. Also make sure she knows that she cannot be helpful to anyone unless she is healthy and confident in herself. I think those are really important things for girls to learn.

I agree completely.

I am sorry maise, this sucks. I think lots of talks and open communication are the way to go.

 

[junebug17]

Oh Maisie, I am so sorry to hear about all of this, your poor girl...the teen years are so difficult, and I speak from experience because my daughter had issues during her teen years as well. Please don't doubt your skills as a mother...from prior posts I can tell you are absolutely devoted to your children. And please don't feel guilty, it's so hard to know what our teens are thinking and feeling sometimes. I hope she can get into counseling soon, and maybe you could also. Counseling helped me so much when my daughter was having problems.

Please know that your daughter, and you as well, will be in my prayers daily. With your love, support and help she'll make it through this rough period. Big hugs to you!

 

[zoebartlett]

Maisie -- I'm so sorry that your daughter (and you) are going through such a rough time. Others have given great advice, so I'll just offer you a hug.

 

[Gayletmom]

Maise, I am sending lots of prayers your way-for both you and DD. Being a mother is such a tough job. Please don't be hard on yourself-you need lots of TLC,too. Hang in there, continue to trust your mothering skills and your instincts, and know that we are here for you.

 

[kelpie]

Poor girl, those years are so hard. When I was a 13 I harbored a runaway fleeing abuse when my mother was out of town, when she found about she called CPS. I was devastated and confused, the boy ended up in foster care and mental institutions, his dad was sent to jail and kicked out of the military... all things that needed to happen for his safety but I felt like we'd destroyed his family. At that age it is hard to see the forest for the trees, kids don't understand what the long term best path is. Because of that call he is a happy well-adjusted man today. As much as it upsets your daughter protect her the best you can and try to get the boy's parents to get him help too. You are a wonderful mom.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh this breaks my heart Maisie...

Your daughter needs to know she has nothing to do with his self destructive behavior... I feel bad for him as well, what pain he must be feeling...

Communication is key , most kids don't go to their parents.. But tell her she can come to you, it's a safe place...

I am so sorry you all are going through this, it's got to be heart wrenching....

I pray she gets some counseling, and that you will go with her...


HUge hugs lady.... Keep us posted...

 

[jas]

I've been away from PS and just saw this. I'm so sorry. Like other posters, I hope there is a way to let your DD know she is not responsible for this boys' feelings/cutting.

How difficult this must be for you and your entire family! Hugs!

 

[yssie]

Oh, goodness, Maisie


This is NOT your fault! I think you're already doing the best things you can do - talking with her, keeping communications open, showing her that you don't judge her poorly.

A big ::HUG:: for you, dear. You're a wonderful parent, and your daughter *will* get through this with the help of those who love her.

 

[Jennifer W]

http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/

Maisie,
Here are a few options that you might want to keep in mind -

I second what Steal said about attending A&E if you're really worried. Also, there is a GP out of hours clinic in all areas, you can go there too, with a referral from NHS Direct. If you're worried, you can call then straight away. I know they don't have a great reputation, but you only hear about the problems - they're actually pretty good at getting people to the care they need at the right time.

You can also visit your GP and be a pain in the ass until you get a referral. You will have a Child and Adolescent Mental Health Team (or equivalent) in your NHS area - you can ask for a referral to that team asap.

The other thing you can do is contact your local community mental health team, via you NHS Trust. They don't generally take self referrals, but several in Scotland have small outreach and community projects, some of which may offer drop in facilities. I don't know where you are exactly, so I'm not aware of what's in your area, but what I have found out in the past with services like that is that you have to track 'em down, because they're often small and couldn't cope with the influx if they promoted themselves more widely.

Also, your daughter's school is likely to have access to an educational psychology service. Again, unlikely to take self referrals, but you might be able to fast track an appointment by speaking to the staff responsible for pastoral care or guidance. I'd make an appointment to see the head of pastoral care (or whatever it's called at her school) and I wouldn't leave until I had what I need.

Finally, I've posted a link above to a project I was involved with a while back in my own area. It's a web based resource, so you can access it ok where you are. It may also give you an idea of what services and websites to track down in your own neck of the woods.

Self harm is something that professionals would take seriously and you should get the help and support you need quickly. Yes, there are waiting lists, but there is also a needs-based triage system, rather than a chronological order approach. You might need to be firm, though.

I really hope this helps - even if you don't need it in the end, it might be useful to at least have a list of places you can turn to in a difficult moment, made up in advance.

 

[VRBeauty]

Maisey - I have no advice to offer, just hugs for you and your daughter... and her friend, though I do hope you can keep him out of her life.

(I'm so glad there are others here who can offer you useful advice!)

 

[Gempassion]

Thinking of you and your daughter Maisie. I agree with Dragonfly: if you focus on self esteem and healthy coping skills you can nip this in the bud. While you wait for professional counselling, I am sure you can find a wealth of information online and at your local library on how to deal with these issues.

 

[monarch64]

Maisie, big hugs from me as well and lots of well wishes going out to your daughter and you, and your family as this sort of thing affects everyone. I hope the wait for therapy is short.

Ages 12/13/14 were the toughest for me--and the ages at which I felt most unsure of myself and was the most easily influenced. I began a bout with an eating disorder when I was 14-15 and it continued until my mother finally realized what was going on one day when I was 17. You have the fortune of having caught this early in your daughter, the self-destruction, that is. My best wishes to you in your journey toward getting your daughter healthy again. I'm so sorry to hear this news.

 

[Maisie]

My daughter and I have just returned from a night in a hotel. I wanted to be on my own with her so I could focus on her without the other kids around. I agree Monnie, she is at a difficult age. She is such a nice girl and always wants to help people. She is easily led though.

I will try my very best to keep up with the positive self esteem stuff. She needs to know none of this is her fault. I am grateful for your post Jen, its really helpful to know what to do, especially if there isn't any help available immediately.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words of encouragement. I appreciate every single post.

She is going to spend a lot of time with her girlfriends who are all trying to support her too. They keep coming to call on her to try and cheer her up. She is blessed to have a good group around her.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Counseling is very important so I am glad you are going to look into that. One thing I wanted to mention, and I didn't read the other replies so maybe it has already been discussed, but I don't think you can 100% blame this boy for causing/inspiring her to hurt herself. You said you only found out last night and who knows how long it has been going on. As parents we don't want to think about our children in pain but chances are she experimented with this long before the boyfriend came along. I don't know how she is harming herself but behavior like that escalates with time.

I hope your daughter finds comfort and clarity in therapy. Lots of prayers for your family.