cellososweet
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2006
- Messages
- 876
THIS IS LONG!
It''s about Korean ILs. . . . please read it all if you can.
I''m completely torn apart.
When my DH and I got together, his parents were very negative about the whole situation. He lived at home at the time and they were openly hostile about the fact that I am black (I''m half black, half polynesian/white). He is Korean. I understand Korean culture just fine, so please spare me the "it''s a cultural thing." What started as a cultural thing has turned into an utter nightmare.
DH moved out shortly after we got together. He had been thinking about it as he was miserable. I guess I just helped things along. He moved in with a buddy and never looked back. His relationship with his parents has always been rocky, to say the least. His father was physically abusive and verbal assaults were common not only for him, but also for his other siblings and his mother. They pushed him to get perfect grades, and when he didn''t suceed, they put him down more. He would call me nightly during high school (when we were friends) and would be angry and feel stuck.
So. . .they hated me because I am black ( love that one-drop rule). We were civil to them until it started to border on harrassment/abuse. When he was decided what college to go to (he had been at a community for nearly four years), he weighed his options carefully. He wanted to go to a school that would be reasonable financially, offered a good financial aid packet and had the type of program he was looking for. It didn''t hurt that it was closer to where I was. He ended up going with the "lesser" state school because it offered him more than the "better" state school. So, since it was closer to me, and the area was more expenisive than where he had been, we moved in together after two and a half years of dating. We got engaged shortly thereafter. She would write him letters telling him that she would pay for a condo if he came back closer to where they lived and left me. She would pay for his schooling if he left me. She would take care of him. He just had to come home. He told her no. He was happy where he was. She begged him, while he was making his college decision to go to the "better" state school closer to her. The brand name of the school is more prestigious, but they offered little for my DH''s career. The school he goes to now offered better internships (which he got into! that''s my honey!) and most of all, a more one-on-one learning approach. He felt it was a better option as his self-esteem towards school had been all but ruined by his parents and he needed as much academic support as possible. Turns out it was a great decision. He''s done better in school that he ever has and the internship is really pumping up his resume!
So. . .she continues to email him telling him that he is ruining the family name. . . that if he has children with me they will have a difficult time in life due to being biracial (thanks captain obvious. . . i''ve never been there before. and besides, since when did being korean give you a free-ride from racism. i''ve heard many choice slangs before. we all have a ''hard time,'' it''s how you handle it. *sigh*). . . .more emails stating that she disapproves. . that the whole family disapproves (which is crap because they''ve all been really nice and some have even gone so far to state that they have no idea what the heck is wrong with his parents). more letters and emails stating that she is disappointed in his decisions (me, his career, his choice in college). Give him a break! He''s doing the best he can (which I think is pretty awesome, btw).
So. . he tells her (after she continues to say nasty things regarding us and our relationship) that she is entitled to her opinion, but that she is not allowed to speak badly about me and that if she continues to, he would cut her and his father out of his life. Wel. . . long story (you might know already). . .we went to court to get married. It had nothing to do with them (we planned it a couple of times. my parents were paying for a large sum and my father got laid off, so we decided to go to court get married and renew our vows when we could afford it. which we are next year. yay!). So. . he tried to let her know, she didn''t want to hear it. She calls a few weeks after we get married telling him that this is the last straw. He needs to leave me and come home. right now. Immediately. don''t worry about school, his job, nothing. she will take care of him. just leave me a note or sit down and talk to me, and leave me on the spot. He told her that we were married and that she was delusional (in as polite a way as possible). She didn''t call for six months.
FFWD. . . .she hears we are renewing our vows. . .now she wants to come around (doesn''t want to look bad in front of the family). she invites us over and we are hesistant. she tricks his father into talking to us (didnt tell him we were coming because he wouldn''t have stuck around. he''s the root of the problem). the evening is awkward. nothing gets said of importance. a few weeks later, she comes over. sugary sweet. compliments our house (which she had never been to in 4 years!). meets our cats. sugary sugary. gag me. gag my husband too. he was up on why she was there, but let her have her moment in the sun. Maybe she meant it this time. She said that she accepts our relationship and that she wants to contribute to the wedding. We tell her ok. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Later than night, we hear from his brother that he is appauled that we are "making" them give us money. and that we are "rubbing it in their face" how much my parents are contributing. She was obviously lying about wanting to contribute and sincerely accepting us. Surprise
So. . .I lost it. I did. After four long hard years of hearing her verbally abuse my husband, I lost it. I got sick of him going over to their house and getting demeaned and belittled. Only to come home to me and cry and scream and be a wreck for days on end. I was sick of them not seeing my husband''s worth. I boiled over. When he was on the phone with her to confont her for b*tching when she got home, I got really angry hearing him get so upset and put down that I ran upstairs, told him I was going for a drive and screamed that his mother can take her god d**ned money and shove it up her hoo hoo. (though in a slightly more vulgar tone).
Well. . . he changed his contacts (phone, email) everything. he told me that he wanted them to leave him alone. He wanted to be happy, to not be on edge, to not feel like he was about to have a heart attack everytime the phone rang. So. . . we get a letter inviting us to thanksgiving. The contents of which are a verbal bashing about me taking him hostage for years. Saying that i broke their relationship. Saying that I am insecure in my relationship because I wouldn''t "allow" my husband to go to their home alone (though that was his decision. which he''s stated over and over).
So. .. we don''t respond to the letter and now she is calling his work. He just called me so upset. He told me he wishes she would just F off for a while. Not forever, but until she can behave herself and watch her mouth. We both know she is entitled to her own opinion and we''ve told her that. We''ve also told her that we don''t want to hear it.
I was nice for four years. I send thank you cards. Encouraged him to go to Korean New Years even though he really didn''t want to. I try to keep his culture alive in our house (helping him to read korean, since he''s not so good and i took four years in college). I wanted to teach our kids the language. But now. . . he''s just so p.o''ed with it all and I hate to see him like this. No amount of "I love you honey" and "I''m here for you" makes me feel like I''m even making a dent in the hurt he feels. He tells me I''m doing a fantastic job and that he loves me for all I''ve done for him.
But. . . How can I feel like I''m helping? Any advice?
It''s about Korean ILs. . . . please read it all if you can.
I''m completely torn apart.When my DH and I got together, his parents were very negative about the whole situation. He lived at home at the time and they were openly hostile about the fact that I am black (I''m half black, half polynesian/white). He is Korean. I understand Korean culture just fine, so please spare me the "it''s a cultural thing." What started as a cultural thing has turned into an utter nightmare.
DH moved out shortly after we got together. He had been thinking about it as he was miserable. I guess I just helped things along. He moved in with a buddy and never looked back. His relationship with his parents has always been rocky, to say the least. His father was physically abusive and verbal assaults were common not only for him, but also for his other siblings and his mother. They pushed him to get perfect grades, and when he didn''t suceed, they put him down more. He would call me nightly during high school (when we were friends) and would be angry and feel stuck.
So. . .they hated me because I am black ( love that one-drop rule). We were civil to them until it started to border on harrassment/abuse. When he was decided what college to go to (he had been at a community for nearly four years), he weighed his options carefully. He wanted to go to a school that would be reasonable financially, offered a good financial aid packet and had the type of program he was looking for. It didn''t hurt that it was closer to where I was. He ended up going with the "lesser" state school because it offered him more than the "better" state school. So, since it was closer to me, and the area was more expenisive than where he had been, we moved in together after two and a half years of dating. We got engaged shortly thereafter. She would write him letters telling him that she would pay for a condo if he came back closer to where they lived and left me. She would pay for his schooling if he left me. She would take care of him. He just had to come home. He told her no. He was happy where he was. She begged him, while he was making his college decision to go to the "better" state school closer to her. The brand name of the school is more prestigious, but they offered little for my DH''s career. The school he goes to now offered better internships (which he got into! that''s my honey!) and most of all, a more one-on-one learning approach. He felt it was a better option as his self-esteem towards school had been all but ruined by his parents and he needed as much academic support as possible. Turns out it was a great decision. He''s done better in school that he ever has and the internship is really pumping up his resume!
So. . .she continues to email him telling him that he is ruining the family name. . . that if he has children with me they will have a difficult time in life due to being biracial (thanks captain obvious. . . i''ve never been there before. and besides, since when did being korean give you a free-ride from racism. i''ve heard many choice slangs before. we all have a ''hard time,'' it''s how you handle it. *sigh*). . . .more emails stating that she disapproves. . that the whole family disapproves (which is crap because they''ve all been really nice and some have even gone so far to state that they have no idea what the heck is wrong with his parents). more letters and emails stating that she is disappointed in his decisions (me, his career, his choice in college). Give him a break! He''s doing the best he can (which I think is pretty awesome, btw).
So. . he tells her (after she continues to say nasty things regarding us and our relationship) that she is entitled to her opinion, but that she is not allowed to speak badly about me and that if she continues to, he would cut her and his father out of his life. Wel. . . long story (you might know already). . .we went to court to get married. It had nothing to do with them (we planned it a couple of times. my parents were paying for a large sum and my father got laid off, so we decided to go to court get married and renew our vows when we could afford it. which we are next year. yay!). So. . he tried to let her know, she didn''t want to hear it. She calls a few weeks after we get married telling him that this is the last straw. He needs to leave me and come home. right now. Immediately. don''t worry about school, his job, nothing. she will take care of him. just leave me a note or sit down and talk to me, and leave me on the spot. He told her that we were married and that she was delusional (in as polite a way as possible). She didn''t call for six months.
FFWD. . . .she hears we are renewing our vows. . .now she wants to come around (doesn''t want to look bad in front of the family). she invites us over and we are hesistant. she tricks his father into talking to us (didnt tell him we were coming because he wouldn''t have stuck around. he''s the root of the problem). the evening is awkward. nothing gets said of importance. a few weeks later, she comes over. sugary sweet. compliments our house (which she had never been to in 4 years!). meets our cats. sugary sugary. gag me. gag my husband too. he was up on why she was there, but let her have her moment in the sun. Maybe she meant it this time. She said that she accepts our relationship and that she wants to contribute to the wedding. We tell her ok. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Later than night, we hear from his brother that he is appauled that we are "making" them give us money. and that we are "rubbing it in their face" how much my parents are contributing. She was obviously lying about wanting to contribute and sincerely accepting us. Surprise
So. . .I lost it. I did. After four long hard years of hearing her verbally abuse my husband, I lost it. I got sick of him going over to their house and getting demeaned and belittled. Only to come home to me and cry and scream and be a wreck for days on end. I was sick of them not seeing my husband''s worth. I boiled over. When he was on the phone with her to confont her for b*tching when she got home, I got really angry hearing him get so upset and put down that I ran upstairs, told him I was going for a drive and screamed that his mother can take her god d**ned money and shove it up her hoo hoo. (though in a slightly more vulgar tone).
Well. . . he changed his contacts (phone, email) everything. he told me that he wanted them to leave him alone. He wanted to be happy, to not be on edge, to not feel like he was about to have a heart attack everytime the phone rang. So. . . we get a letter inviting us to thanksgiving. The contents of which are a verbal bashing about me taking him hostage for years. Saying that i broke their relationship. Saying that I am insecure in my relationship because I wouldn''t "allow" my husband to go to their home alone (though that was his decision. which he''s stated over and over).
So. .. we don''t respond to the letter and now she is calling his work. He just called me so upset. He told me he wishes she would just F off for a while. Not forever, but until she can behave herself and watch her mouth. We both know she is entitled to her own opinion and we''ve told her that. We''ve also told her that we don''t want to hear it.
I was nice for four years. I send thank you cards. Encouraged him to go to Korean New Years even though he really didn''t want to. I try to keep his culture alive in our house (helping him to read korean, since he''s not so good and i took four years in college). I wanted to teach our kids the language. But now. . . he''s just so p.o''ed with it all and I hate to see him like this. No amount of "I love you honey" and "I''m here for you" makes me feel like I''m even making a dent in the hurt he feels. He tells me I''m doing a fantastic job and that he loves me for all I''ve done for him.
But. . . How can I feel like I''m helping? Any advice?
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