Home Please help me retrain my brain...

[Lorelei]

Date: 9/23/2008 8:21:55 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
I'm so sorry hon! Me thinks even stronger boundaries may be in order? YOU need a break from family. Lots of people see their parents a few times a year and talk to them on the phone once every few weeks. Is this something you would like? If so, maybe its time to screen calls and be busy more often than you are now... I know it sounds 'selfish' but that's what I might do in your situation! It's okay to stand up for what you need, you are your own family now and your mental health and happiness comes first, because your boys need a happy, unharried mommy. No drama need be involved, it is remarkable easy to close your home/ears for business.

{{{HUGS}}}

Ditto every word. Jas, I think you need to take the bull by the horns and start seriously limiting the time you spend with both families. I am concerned about you, and no wonder you are feeling low after all you have been through. Put your foot down, make yourself less available to the families and start claiming some time for you and your boys away from the various dramas - if they don't like it - tough!! You need to look after YOU and if the families are too busy squabbling and competing for time with the babies and upsetting you with other issues, then you need to put a stop to it. Also it appears that your inlaws might be camping out at your place to borrow a phrase from Lara - kick 'em out! Get your Hubby on board by explaining how tired and anxious it makes you feel by having them over all the time, then set some rules - if they want to drop in, then they need to show the common courtesy of calling first to check it is ok. And then do not be available to them all the time. They may make a fuss but much better to set boundaries NOW otherwise they will continue to make your life a misery, and trust me they will

- and you don't deserve it!

Hugs!

 

[purrfectpear]

I think it''s great that your mom and MIL are buddies. You need to stop caring what they talk about and stop trying to control what they think and do. So they talk about you, big deal. That''s what mom''s do. They never really cut the apron strings. I''m 55 and my mom still gives me "advice"

This only bothers you if you let it. Just because the ladies have opinions doesn''t mean you have to accept them as your own. Just smile and say "thanks for sharing" and go on about your life, that''s what I do

 

[jas]

Thank you all for responding. I appreciate that.

Snlee -- thanks...you've heard more about this story over at the preggo thread than prob. anyone else, and you've always been one of my greatest cheerleaders! Thanks hon and hang in there w/ the bebes on the way.
Lara -- thanks for both of your messages.

You are very sweet and it sounds like everything has worked out with your inlaws. That's very good for me to hear. Holiday right now is not possible w/ DH and kids, but it is something to dream about. Right now, we're using our home as our escape.
PP -- Thank you for writing. I always am grateful when someone takes time out of their day to contribute their opinion on these boards. Yes, friendly parent/inlaw relationships are rare and something to be celebrated.

 

[jas]

Oops -- missed some of you...

DD -- yes, more serios boundaries are being put in place -- fortunately I AM crazy busy w/ the kids!
Lorelei -- you are also my cheerleader! Thank you!

I do feel better having griped here and can now focus on the biz at hand, namely taking care of my boys & feeling joyous for my bro. I also did a lot of writing btw feedings last night...

my life...coming soon to a comedy sketch/book/movie/newswbrief near you

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 9/24/2008 7:48:19 AM
Author: Lorelei

Ditto every word. Jas, I think you need to take the bull by the horns and start seriously limiting the time you spend with both families. I am concerned about you, and no wonder you are feeling low after all you have been through. Put your foot down, make yourself less available to the families and start claiming some time for you and your boys away from the various dramas - if they don''t like it - tough!! You need to look after YOU and if the families are too busy squabbling and competing for time with the babies and upsetting you with other issues, then you need to put a stop to it. Also it appears that your inlaws might be camping out at your place to borrow a phrase from Lara - kick ''em out! Get your Hubby on board by explaining how tired and anxious it makes you feel by having them over all the time, then set some rules - if they want to drop in, then they need to show the common courtesy of calling first to check it is ok. And then do not be available to them all the time. They may make a fuss but much better to set boundaries NOW otherwise they will continue to make your life a misery, and trust me they will

- and you don''t deserve it!


Hugs!

Make yourself unavailable, I agree.
You can just go all mumsy on them, and say ''I''d love to see you right now, but I can''t. I''m off to the xyz with the boys!''

One of my girlfriends has a list a mile long of friends to ''playdate'' with, and important-sounding child /family activities to attend. She even has a craft morning once a week, for herself, and the kids go in a creche!

Your mums won''t help but think what a good mum you are. They can''t be critical.

Don''t run yourself ragged, but by ''booking'' yourself up with activities, it makes you less accessible, and makes you look more ''across'' the whole mum thing.

New mothers groups can be really good for keeping you updated on child raising techniques (such as the dreaded introduction to solids), to help you negotiate the acres of well-meaning advice, as well as put some distance between yourself and the mums.

If you like, you could keep the mums in on the action by dropping the kids around to their houses at a time that suits them - for a couple of hours a week, each. Or, by having them baby sit of an evening, so you can go out to dinner with your man...?
Anyway, just another couple of ideas...