Home Please help me retrain my brain...

[jas]

Forgive the length.

Some background --

My Mom -- although feisty on the exterior, rather insecure on the inside. A genuine people-pleaser. I moved away from home (1000 miles) at 17. During that time, of course my parents visited. I proudly introduced them to people in my life. My mom always makes a good impression. My parents moved here 3 years ago (don''t even ask how that upset my sibs). I had given my folks a lot of places to go and make new acquaintances. My dad has readily established a new life and a new circle of friends. My mom decided to call up some of the people in my circle who I had introduced her to. She befriended a lot of my older pals, to the point that she was seeing them more than I. One friend told me that, "You and your mom are so alike it''s like you''re interchangeable."

When my MOH from my wedding, from whom I am now estranged, ran into my mom at the grocery, she spent 10 minutes trashing me to my mom...who didn''t walk away. My mom said that there was no "good way" to get out of that situation. Neither did she defend me, despite the fact that MOH was saying some pretty lousy stuff. Knowing my mom, she smiled and nodded.

My mom also had the worst MIL in the world. Truly a vicious, cruel woman who, despite my dad standing up for her, found every way in the book to belittle mom (and the kids).

My MIL, well, she''s used to getting her way. She is NOT mean nor nasty about it. In fact, she''s quite charming. She has said some very insensitive things to me over the years, particularly now that I''m pregnant, but I honestly believe most of it comes from being thoughtless rather than cruel. She gets very anxious when things don''t go according to what she sees as correct and will "confer" with a lot of family members and get them involved if she perceives a situation as going awry

So, finally, the point.

I''m still not comfy w/ my MIL. I''ts going to take me a little longer to figure out how to dance with her, so to speak. I want to because, obviously, she is my DH''s mother and did a great job raising him. But I work very hard to respectfully establish my boundaries.

Since my engagement, my mom and MIL have sort of bonded, with my mom usually acquiescing to whatever MIL thinks. My mom is very worried about what MIL thinks of our family. With wedding planning, if MIL raised a concern, it was her opinion accepted over mine. (Thankfully over stupid things like how to address envelopes).

They "hang out" a lot, and often will talk about me. MIL expresses her opinion about what I should do, and my mom sees this as an edict, rather than an opinion.

When I express in-law frustration to my mom, I would get a variety of responses. Mostly they were along the lines of, "They have good intentions" (which I know) and "At least they aren''t like MY MIL." (for which there is just no answer.)

This has encouraged my MIL to justify some of "suggestions" to me about what I should do by saying she''d talked to my mother about this.

On three separate occasions, I have spoken with my mom about my discomfort with this. I use the typical "I" statements, putting the onus on me. Each time my mom has said she would pull back from the relationship if it makes me uncomforatble, but each time she has resumed it, at first surreptitiously, then quite openly. Often she''ll tell me how she couldn''t get out of a commitment with my MIL for some ridiculous reason. Sometimes she says she''s "protecting me" by showing up.

Ultimately, I know my mom and MIL aren''t going to change, and quite frankly, they are both good people who do indeed have good intentions. I know I should feel blessed that our parents get along, but I''m starting to feel like a silly little girl who isn''t privy to what the grown-ups are doing.

What I need help with, dear PSers, is how to adjust my thinking so I don''t get so angry/hurt/annoyed by it. Should I just make the Serenity Prayer my mantra?

Thanks for reading this tome. Next time, I''ll write a hundred pages on something more fun, like how I can''t give myself a pedicure anymore.

 

[Lorelei]

Jas, I think you need to reestablish those boundaries with both your Mom and your MIL. Good intentions or not, they should not be discussing what * you * should do in this manner, and treating you like a child, you are a wonderful adult woman who is soon to become a Mom of two. I would let them know your feelings on this matter, and if they persist, I would limit your contact with them and don't share much information with them. If you don't put your foot down, this could extend to many other areas of your life where you especially don't want interference, such as how you raise your children. I am sure once they realize you won't put up with this behaviour, they will start treating you more like the adult woman you are.

Hang in there, I know it is difficult!

 

[jas]

Lorelei -- You are absolutely right. Thanks for responding and wish me luck! I gotta do this soon before the bambinos appear!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 8/20/2008 11:24:37 AM
Author: jas
Lorelei -- You are absolutely right. Thanks for responding and wish me luck! I gotta do this soon before the bambinos appear!

I am throwing bucketloads of dust your way Jas! Remember you can put a stop to this, if you don''t do anything they will take it that they are quite within their rights to run your life!

Go get ''em tiger!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 8/20/2008 11:21:10 AM
Author: Lorelei
Jas, I think you need to reestablish those boundaries with both your Mom and your MIL. Good intentions or not, they should not be discussing what * you * should do in this manner, and treating you like a child, you are a wonderful adult woman who is soon to become a Mom of two. I would let them know your feelings on this matter, and if they persist, I would limit your contact with them and don''t share much information with them. If you don''t put your foot down, this could extend to many other areas of your life where you especially don''t want interference, such as how you raise your children. I am sure once they realize you won''t put up with this behaviour, they will start treating you more like the adult woman you are.

Hang in there, I know it is difficult!

I agree with setting boundaries and I think your husband needs to do the same. Don''t feel bad either, what they are doing to isn''t right. Sending you a hug Jas and you are going to be an awesome mom!!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 8/20/2008 11:28:49 AM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 8/20/2008 11:21:10 AM
Author: Lorelei
Jas, I think you need to reestablish those boundaries with both your Mom and your MIL. Good intentions or not, they should not be discussing what * you * should do in this manner, and treating you like a child, you are a wonderful adult woman who is soon to become a Mom of two. I would let them know your feelings on this matter, and if they persist, I would limit your contact with them and don''t share much information with them. If you don''t put your foot down, this could extend to many other areas of your life where you especially don''t want interference, such as how you raise your children. I am sure once they realize you won''t put up with this behaviour, they will start treating you more like the adult woman you are.

Hang in there, I know it is difficult!

I agree with setting boundaries and I think your husband needs to do the same. Don''t feel bad either, what they are doing to isn''t right. Sending you a hug Jas and you are going to be an awesome mom!!!

Extra ditto. I think that it is okay for them to spend time together, and they are moms so they will discuss you and have opinions about your behavior etc etc

, that''s their right, you have opinions about them too and talk about them with your firends all the time!! But the thing that is trouble here is that they think that you need to know those opinions and that it is their right or duty to give you direction and advice.

I think that setting boundaries is essential, but actually doing that is difficult. You seem like a lovely person, and perhaps it feels "mean" to make demands of others regarding how they treat you? Or perhaps you are a people pleaser like you mom and want everyone to be happy and get along, at the expense of your own happiness? Unfortunately, when you are nice and want to please, other people who are more dominant and direct can have the tendency to walk all over you a little, without intending to! It is important to remember that passive or submissive behavior PULLS other people to behave in a dominant way! So they may not really be aware that they are crossing the line, they are simply feeling pulled. Now, they could back off and allow you to be more dominant, but my guess is that you are going to have to instigate this a little

I bet there are really great books about how to be assertive with family and friends without being mean about it, and they may have scripts about how to carry out the delicate conversations you will need to have. I know there have been times that I have needed to lay down the law with my mom... and unfortunately she needs to be reminded of that law fairly often. I think your use of "I" statements is totally the right way to go, but just remember that once may not be enough... old habits die hard, for you and for your mom and MIL, so it may be that gentle reminders are needed on a fairly ongoing basis. The first conversation is the worst... then after that, all it may take is interrupting them when they do something you don''t want by saying, "I''m sorry, I asked you to try not to be quite so directive when you offer opinions, this issue is closed. Now, what are we having for dinner on Sunday?"

Lorelei''s advice about not sharing some information with the family is also a good one. They need to respect your boundaries, but you can also maintain boundaries by keeping them in the dark about certain issues.

I think writing yourself a script for your conversation will be good, and maybe you DH should be there with you when you talk to MIL so she knows the request comes from you both?

Anyways, good luck, it is more painful to take the first step, after that everything will get better. Just try to know your family''s personal limitations and only expect and ask them to behave in ways that they are capable of behaving, and then manage your own behavior to make sure they treat you the way you want.

 

[jas]

Skippy -- thanks! You always make me smile!

DD -- You articulated beautifully what I actually know to be true. I''ve stopped sharing stuff like this with my mom, so that has helped a lot. Am I too nice? Probably not. Do I share some traits with my mom? Definitely. I think that your point about having to say things more than once is absolutely true and I''ve already begun scripting this out. As far as MIL goes, it''s a little trickier...DH has certain blinders with his mom because his dad is emotionally unavailable, so doing anything difficult with his mama might make his head explode. His attitude is basically, "Ignore it, my family is just sharing opinions." But I totally hear what you are saying and thank you for all your input. It really resonated with me!

One battle at a time, and I''m going to work with my mom first.

Thank you both...I think what I''m hearing is what my heart has been whispering to me for awhile...I just need the proverbial big girl panties, and those are in the laundry right now.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 8/20/2008 12:41:53 PM
Author: jas
As far as MIL goes, it''s a little trickier...

Well maybe you don''t need some big conversation with your MIL. Sometimes you can accomplish a lot with subtle things. Like when she offers advice, say, "That''s interesting." and then immediately change the subject. Or when she brings up something that you have already decided, either ignore it and change the subject or say, "Oh that''s already been solved" and then change the subject. If she won''t accept a subject change, then get out of the conversation, "Ooops, I have to use the restroom/feed a baby/change a baby/eat/there''s the phone!" I think all of these methods will work in person or on the phone. As a last resort, you can also dodge her phone calls and make DH take them all

they are his parents after all!

 

[jas]

Date: 8/20/2008 12:53:49 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 8/20/2008 12:41:53 PM
Author: jas
As far as MIL goes, it''s a little trickier...

Well maybe you don''t need some big conversation with your MIL. Sometimes you can accomplish a lot with subtle things. Like when she offers advice, say, ''That''s interesting.'' and then immediately change the subject. Or when she brings up something that you have already decided, either ignore it and change the subject or say, ''Oh that''s already been solved'' and then change the subject. If she won''t accept a subject change, then get out of the conversation, ''Ooops, I have to use the restroom/feed a baby/change a baby/eat/there''s the phone!'' I think all of these methods will work in person or on the phone. As a last resort, you can also dodge her phone calls and make DH take them all

they are his parents after all!

For some reason, you made my day with this. Yeah, I''ve become the queen of avoidance/topic switching. Thank goodness for the upcoming babies...I can always claim a stinky diaper to get me out of stinky moment.

I give good, "Hmmm."

And yeah, DH is in charge of his mother, I am in charge of mine.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 8/20/2008 1:07:22 PM
Author: jas

Date: 8/20/2008 12:53:49 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 8/20/2008 12:41:53 PM
Author: jas
As far as MIL goes, it''s a little trickier...

Well maybe you don''t need some big conversation with your MIL. Sometimes you can accomplish a lot with subtle things. Like when she offers advice, say, ''That''s interesting.'' and then immediately change the subject. Or when she brings up something that you have already decided, either ignore it and change the subject or say, ''Oh that''s already been solved'' and then change the subject. If she won''t accept a subject change, then get out of the conversation, ''Ooops, I have to use the restroom/feed a baby/change a baby/eat/there''s the phone!'' I think all of these methods will work in person or on the phone. As a last resort, you can also dodge her phone calls and make DH take them all

they are his parents after all!

For some reason, you made my day with this. Yeah, I''ve become the queen of avoidance/topic switching. Thank goodness for the upcoming babies...I can always claim a stinky diaper to get me out of stinky moment.

I give good, ''Hmmm.''

And yeah, DH is in charge of his mother, I am in charge of mine.

I think the key is to find a solution that causes you the least stress and aggro! We aren''t talking about abusiveness or outright rudeness on your MILs part, which might require a more direct approach, so I am not sure I see the problem with using these types of management techniques.

If you find that thinking up avoidance measures or changing the topic is adding to your own stress or making you feel uncomfortable or even increasing her annoying or intrusive behavior, then it may be time to have a big serious conversation. And if you find that you are obsessing over the things she says and ruminating over every little comment and what it all MEANS about you and her and the world, then again it may either be time to talk to her to try to get her to stop, or time to re-think your own interpretations about the meaning of her behavior! Yes, she is bossy, and you may feel like it means she thinks of you as a child or doesn''t respect you. But it is also possible she is just bossy

. My mom respects me and knows I am an adult, but she is also bossy and lectures me about what I should and shouldn''t be doing all the time

She just likes to lecture (geez, the apply never falls far from the tree, does it?

)! It means nothing about her opinion of me, so I am trying to just say, "Wow that is interesting!" or "Ok!" instead of getting all mad every time she reminds me to take my vitimins or gives me some new advice about something. I figure it is easier for me to become more easygoing than it is to ask her to change a core part of who she is!

Anyhoo, I am all for taking a zen approach with people whom you cannot change--and bossy MILs are, within reason, one thing we may never be able to change!

Some of them are just like that, and we just need to find ways to roll with it that don''t add to our stress. I guess I am selfish that way--its all about less stress for me! LOL!

 

[phoenixgirl]

I agree that explaining what should or shouldn''t be discussed will confuse mom and MIL. I''d just take things one situation at a time and use the good old avoidance approach. We have had almost two years of avoiding my MIL, which followed trying to explain what was wrong with her behavior and set boundaries. That just led to MIL blowing a gasket and engaging even harder in said unacceptable behaviors. Surprisingly, only answering the phone/calling her back occasionally, being too busy, controlling when and where we meet, and changing the subject have led to two years of no conflict. No real relationship, either, but my MIL has a personality disorder, so I don''t believe real intimacy would be possible with her unless we choose to be dysfunctional too or she gets professional help.

Really, I''d just thank her for her advice and change the subject, never actually doing what she suggests, of cocurse. She''ll probably get tired of it eventually. With your own mom, I think you can say, "Mom, I''m [however many] years old. You don''t need to do things to ''protect me''." But you really can''t tell her not to hang out with your MIL or behave the way she''s behaved her whole life.

 

[jas]

DD -- I didn''t feel lectured at all. LOL. I am trying to be very zen about this. Thank you again for all of your insights.

Phoenix -- I appreciate your perspective on this. Everything you said makes a lot of sense.

Thank you again!!!

 

[katebar]

Date: 8/20/2008 5:13:42 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
I agree that explaining what should or shouldn't be discussed will confuse mom and MIL. I'd just take things one situation at a time and use the good old avoidance approach. We have had almost two years of avoiding my MIL, which followed trying to explain what was wrong with her behavior and set boundaries. That just led to MIL blowing a gasket and engaging even harder in said unacceptable behaviors. Surprisingly, only answering the phone/calling her back occasionally, being too busy, controlling when and where we meet, and changing the subject have led to two years of no conflict. No real relationship, either, but my MIL has a personality disorder, so I don't believe real intimacy would be possible with her unless we choose to be dysfunctional too or she gets professional help.

Really, I'd just thank her for her advice and change the subject, never actually doing what she suggests, of cocurse. She'll probably get tired of it eventually. With your own mom, I think you can say, 'Mom, I'm [however many] years old. You don't need to do things to 'protect me'.' But you really can't tell her not to hang out with your MIL or behave the way she's behaved her whole life.

I totally agree with this phoenixgirl Jas. The reality as your rightly pointed out is that at this stage of life it is unlikely that your mother and MIL will change in their basic personality styles so 'telling' them how you want them to behave is unlikely to connect for them.
As you pointed out their intentions are 'good' and if there was a sniff that they weren't and were mischievous or nasty I would give different advice.
I would feign a neutral sometimes 'goofy' response when they 'suggest' relatively unimportant things. For example Mum says something that get up your nose a bit you say "Is that right" or "really". But just LOOK like you are neutral to their comment. Not rude not false not acquiescent just neutral. I have found that this works pretty well personally in stopping all the mindless 'nagging' etc that parents do to adult children
I like to tell my clients about silver bullets. Ask your self if I had 5 silver bullets to use is this situation one I would waste a bullet on. Often you realise that it wouldn't and so you save your ammunition for the big moments and then you can be very clear on what you want and why you want it. Your dog problem with yous SIL was bullet moment IMO and you chose well.
Good luck and I can't wait to meet your boys here on Pricescope.

 

[jas]

Date: 8/20/2008 5:28:11 PM
Author: katebar

Date: 8/20/2008 5:13:42 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
I agree that explaining what should or shouldn''t be discussed will confuse mom and MIL. I''d just take things one situation at a time and use the good old avoidance approach. We have had almost two years of avoiding my MIL, which followed trying to explain what was wrong with her behavior and set boundaries. That just led to MIL blowing a gasket and engaging even harder in said unacceptable behaviors. Surprisingly, only answering the phone/calling her back occasionally, being too busy, controlling when and where we meet, and changing the subject have led to two years of no conflict. No real relationship, either, but my MIL has a personality disorder, so I don''t believe real intimacy would be possible with her unless we choose to be dysfunctional too or she gets professional help.

Really, I''d just thank her for her advice and change the subject, never actually doing what she suggests, of cocurse. She''ll probably get tired of it eventually. With your own mom, I think you can say, ''Mom, I''m [however many] years old. You don''t need to do things to ''protect me''.'' But you really can''t tell her not to hang out with your MIL or behave the way she''s behaved her whole life.

I totally agree with this phoenixgirl Jas. The reality as your rightly pointed out is that at this stage of life it is unlikely that your mother and MIL will change in their basic personality styles so ''telling'' them how you want them to behave is unlikely to connect for them.
As you pointed out their intentions are ''good'' and if there was a sniff that they weren''t and were mischievous or nasty I would give different advice.
I would feign a neutral sometimes ''goofy'' response when they ''suggest'' relatively unimportant things. For example Mum says something that get up your nose a bit you say ''Is that right'' or ''really''. But just LOOK like you are neutral to their comment. Not rude not false not acquiescent just neutral. I have found that this works pretty well personally in stopping all the mindless ''nagging'' etc that parents do to adult children
I like to tell my clients about silver bullets. Ask your self if I had 5 silver bullets to use is this situation one I would waste a bullet on. Often you realise that it wouldn''t and so you save your ammunition for the big moments and then you can be very clear on what you want and why you want it. Your dog problem with yous SIL was bullet moment IMO and you chose well.
Good luck and I can''t wait to meet your boys here on Pricescope.

Thanks Katebar! Great advice -- I have to admit I am now picturing myself a tiger with a gun.

You guys are all the best!

 

[LaraOnline]

Currently, you are in the changeover from *child* (in their eyes) to a mother in your own right. It is a special time for you, and for them, right now. Your life is going to change dramatically over the next few years, and no doubt you will find the context changing... I hope!
The point is, after you''ve had a child, you will have been initiated into the ways of motherhood, and they will begin to appraise you as an adult, rather than their daughter.

I don''t know how you are planning your family, but I personally feel that the context of your immediate family changes rather dramatically after the birth of the second child, and it is then that you will really notice the biggest difference in how your extended family perceive you.

Although perhaps from your own inner experience, it is the first child that will make the biggest changes in your attitudes.

So perhaps don''t stress the small stuff, because it''s all about to begin to change!

 

[jas]

Date: 8/21/2008 12:02:48 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Currently, you are in the changeover from *child* (in their eyes) to a mother in your own right. It is a special time for you, and for them, right now. Your life is going to change dramatically over the next few years, and no doubt you will find the context changing... I hope!
The point is, after you've had a child, you will have been initiated into the ways of motherhood, and they will begin to appraise you as an adult, rather than their daughter.

I don't know how you are planning your family, but I personally feel that the context of your immediate family changes rather dramatically after the birth of the second child, and it is then that you will really notice the biggest difference in how your extended family perceive you.

Although perhaps from your own inner experience, it is the first child that will make the biggest changes in your attitudes.

So perhaps don't stress the small stuff, because it's all about to begin to change!

Please excuse me for not answering earlier.

Lara, I think you make some really on-target observations as well. Thank you for your insights and good advice.

I hope I wasn't being too dramatic with this thread...I'm reading another thread that apparently dramatic vents are annoying to some posters here. Don't want to do that. I just don't have RL folks to turn to in this situation for sound, objective advice, as all my go-to people are involved and/or know particpants and could not be objective.

All of you have been thoughtful and have given really great advice. You are my drum-beaters and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

[Skippy123]

Jas, we love ya to pieces friend, and those babies too!!!

I was venting 2 weeks ago; this place is great for support!

 

[decodelighted]

Jas,
I haven''t been in on this thread but since you mentioned my "drama" thread I just wanted to say that *this* thread is in NO WAY the type of thread I was commenting on. In fact, it''s almost the *opposite* -- as you immediately took responsibility "help me retrain my brain". Won''t hijack any further -- just sorry you interpreted that way.

 

[marcy]

Jas, congratulations on expecting twins. I am so excited for you.

You''ve gotten a lot of great advice already. I would probably tell my mom how I feel and just tell her that while I appreciate her advice there has to be some boundaries on things she discusses with my MIL. I would probably have my DH tell my MIL the same thing knowing she would take it better coming from him. I''ve also found the best way to keep family out of my business is not to tell them some things but since I talk to them all quite a bit I sometimes forget that until it''s too late. Good luck and big hugs to you.

 

[marcy]

And you are going to be an awesome mom.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Jas you are a classy lady, no need to appologize for seeking support! After your comment above I went searching for the "drama" thread to which you referred. I am so sorry that you felt that the thread was directed at you, when apparently it wasn''t, or that you spent more than one millisecond thinking about that issue when you have much better things to think about. I love PS, and I enjoy many of the people I have met here and many of the relationships I have formed, but I have severly restrained the breadth of my involvement in various threads and forums on here because I have felt the sting of peoples "honesty", "bluntness", or "telling it like it is". Like you, I also think that "honesty and kindness are not mutually exclusive". Now I just stay out of the debates. Anyways, I think I can relate to your feelings, and I am so sorry that you feel them! Please come back as soon as you can!

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 8/24/2008 1:45:59 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Jas you are a classy lady, no need to appologize for seeking support! After your comment above I went searching for the ''drama'' thread to which you referred. I am so sorry that you felt that the thread was directed at you, when apparently it wasn''t, or that you spent more than one millisecond thinking about that issue when you have much better things to think about. I love PS, and I enjoy many of the people I have met here and many of the relationships I have formed, but I have severly restrained the breadth of my involvement in various threads and forums on here because I have felt the sting of peoples ''honesty'', ''bluntness'', or ''telling it like it is''. Like you, I also think that ''honesty and kindness are not mutually exclusive''. Now I just stay out of the debates. Anyways, I think I can relate to your feelings, and I am so sorry that you feel them! Please come back as soon as you can!

I feel the same way.

I hope you stay with us.

 

[jas]

First of all, I thank all of you who said such nice things about me. Not sure I deserve ''em, but I''ll take it.

I''m not looking for consolation, assistance or anything but I need to just vent and put this out of my head. Kinda like taking a drive in the car and screaming at the top of your lungs. Ya know? If you find this sort of thing aggravating, please don''t read.

More Backstory -- my DH''s relatives, particularly MIL, FIL and Aunt IL have expressed to me, directly, on more than one occasion, that they are unimpressed with my brother''s profession and therefore my brother. (Let''s just say he''s a professional coach) When my bro got engaged, my IL asked what she did. She''s also a coach. The first response (after the raised eyebrows) was, "Well, she must have thunder thighs, like all people in [that sport] do." (My inlaws are big on making money and on being thin.)

Yeah, I know. And I told my mother about this months ago (and then again 2 weeks ago when they said it again, bc she walked in on me crying about it).

And, following the good advice here, three days ago, I spoke with my mother again about boundaries. And I resolved to stop talking about certain things (i.e. my in-laws) with her, despite some recent IL activity that has made me absolutely bonkers these last 2 weeks. Horrid stuff.

My dear brother is engaged, and my mother wanted to throw an engagement party. The idea was for the two families (mine and my bro''s FI''s) to meet and celebrate.

My mom sent out an evite last night...at the top of the guest list are MY MIL, FIL, and Aunt IL.

I checked the list, and they are the only "non-family" members on the list. What I mean by that is that they are not related to my brother or his bride-to-be. No other friends of my parents (or my bro or his FI for that matter) are invited.

I am furious about this for a few reasons. Most importantly, my brother has met them once, didn''t like them if only bc they''ve hurt me, and was not particularly interested in them attending. But, being the classy guy he is, he said that since my mom was hosting the party, he couldn''t dictate the guest list.

He does not know what was said about him/fi.

He''s a better person than I am...and you can see why I love him.

My mother KNOWS what they said about my brother. I told her three days ago because I was sobbing about hearing it from my IL again. She also knows that I am having tremendous issues with my inlaws. She also knows that I am really tired of seeing my ILs. She has told me repeatedly that she is going to "pull back" from my IL.

She did not let me know she was inviting them. I found out from the evite...and she didn''t even try to buffer it for me by giving me SOMETHING to hang on to "Hey JAS, heads up that terrorists put a gun to my head, and I have to invite your IL."

Nope. Although I am sure if/when I mention this to mom, she''ll give me the usual "I HAD to..." because of some silly reason, most likely b/c the inlaws heard her mention the engagement party and of course it would be tacky not to invite them...although there have been plenty of reverse situations.

Last time I protested an invite, my parents said that it didn''t matter that these are my inlaws, bc my inlaws are their friends. I was slackjawed at that one.

Now I will have to spend a majority of the party with my inlaws. It''s not a big enough party to escape them. And this also means they are invited to the wedding. On my brother''s dime (he''s paying for it, but already told my folks to give him their guest list.)

I can live with all that.

The worst part of all this is that I feel betrayed by Mom; that no matter my feelings on a situation (or my brother''s feelings for that matter), her own social standing/acceptance by these people is more important. Now that they''ve moved close to me, I am seeing my mother in a different light, and it''s very hard to be disappointed with her, never mind hurt. Growing up, my mother would go on and on about how she''d never let anyone hurt her kids...but she is showing a needy side nowadays that I need to learn to accept.

I know my mom''s IL were brutal toward her...I know she is working through stuff with them via my inlaws, but I know her parents would never have done this to her.

Thanks for letting me say this. Obviously, the important thing is that my brother be happy, and I''ll be d*mned if I have anything but a smile plastered on my face. I am angry now, and need to get it out (and I cannot do it "live"...my RL friends are stumped (mostly male and having a hard time understanding my emotions), and while I would ordinarily go to my bro or DH on these sorts of things, obviously that''s out of the picutre.

Ah, ok. Catharsis.

Thanks again. You may now move on to the next thread...preferably something yummy about shoes or cupcakes or JEWELS!

oh and on a chlidish level...my mom is holding the party on my birthday bc that was the earliest she could host the party...it''s being held at her house, so it''s not like reservations needed to be made. I know that''s really juvenile, but after all this it feels intentional.

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh for heaven''s sake.

Poor you, Jackie.

That really blows. Jump up and down a few times. Tear up a piece of paper. Now snuggle your boys and promise them to be a super good mommy-in-law to their wives someday. And then take a deeeeeep breath, and try to let it go.

I know, BELIEVE ME, easier said then done, because really, this SUCKS and you totally don''t deserve this.

And on your birthday? Sheesh.

GAH! Now I''m angry too.

 

[neatfreak]

Awww Jackie that SUCKS. You have a right to be totally annoyed with your mother. It sounds to me (and I could be totally off here) that she is having trouble with her own life, likes the life of your IL''s, and somehow is trying to please them so that she can "be like them". Or something like that, my preggo brain isn''t working quite well today.

But you have every right to be pissed! I''m pissed for you! Grrrr and after you give them two gorgeous grandbabies too. You don''t deserve to be treated this way.

 

[jas]

Thanks Indy and NF -- I can''t even blame my preggo hormones anymore.

I appreciate the smiles you just gave me...and yes, my boys put everything in perspective. I whispered in their ears this morning that whoever they bring home will be treated right by me...as will they...

Then they blarped all over me.

Indy -- LOL -- I will jump up and down right after this. Then I''ll tell DH it''s my post-partum workout for the day.
NF, I think you are exactly right about my mom.

 

[snlee]

WTF? Will it ever end!? I''m so sorry you have to go through this Jackie. You have every right to be angry and annoyed at your mother. Not only for inviting your in-laws to your brother''s engagements party but to have the party on your birthday!? Argh!

 

[LaraOnline]

OMG, you had twins! That''s amazing, and so fabulous!
I have to confess that I''ve found the preggers threads a bit HUGE and unwieldy, so I haven''t ventured there that often! So I didn''t know! Congratulations!

In relation to your parents, your mum does seem to want to impress. It IS quite nice to invite the inlaws of one child''s marriage along to the party celebrating the impending marriage of the other.

Your mum probably doesn''t know the silly views regarding sport that the inlaws hold... and even if she did, it might well not change her mind regarding inviting them. I mean, she can''t wipe them because they hold a trivial opinion about something that doesn''t matter!

In relation to your birthday, she is probably of an age where a birthday doesn''t matter. I know this varies enormously from family to family, but my birthday means very little to me, as an occasion to celebrate. Perhaps it''s something to do with the date - just after Christmas. Perhaps it''s something to do with the fact I''m getting closer to 40!

I think if you really detest your inlaws, you should try to mellow a little and ''make it fit''. Just a bit. Things can change over time.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I''m so sorry hon! Me thinks even stronger boundaries may be in order? YOU need a break from family. Lots of people see their parents a few times a year and talk to them on the phone once every few weeks. Is this something you would like? If so, maybe its time to screen calls and be busy more often than you are now... I know it sounds "selfish" but that''s what I might do in your situation! It''s okay to stand up for what you need, you are your own family now and your mental health and happiness comes first, because your boys need a happy, unharried mommy. No drama need be involved, it is remarkable easy to close your home/ears for business.

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 9/23/2008 8:21:55 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
I'm so sorry hon! Me thinks even stronger boundaries may be in order? YOU need a break from family. Lots of people see their parents a few times a year and talk to them on the phone once every few weeks. Is this something you would like? If so, maybe its time to screen calls and be busy more often than you are now... I know it sounds 'selfish' but that's what I might do in your situation! It's okay to stand up for what you need, you are your own family now and your mental health and happiness comes first, because your boys need a happy, unharried mommy. No drama need be involved, it is remarkable easy to close your home/ears for business.


{{{HUGS}}}

Yes, I didn't have time to say earlier (had to get away from the comp), but the inlaws don't sound like the most polite people, weighing in with their views of sporting women, etc. But...being together is a two-way street. They will probably get to like you more, simply by being with you and your family more often. My m-i-l and I get along really great now... when we met, she had a lot of preconceived ideas about the way I probably was, which have all been proven wrong. Now, I can just be me!
BUT, we only see each other a few times a year. So, we can each afford to be great with each other! I come from a rather distant (physically spread out) family, I am definitely not used to the 'just popping in' daily kind of relationship with extended family. But I am sure that really suits some people, as well.


Edited to add: Hmm, had the opportunity to go back and read your updated post really carefully again. I think my post is hopeless. Sorry, Jas. What does your husband have to say? Do you see the inlaws all the time? Could you get away, just the four of you, and have some lovely holiday/ time off somewhere? That could recharge your batteries. Don't forget, you are in a very vulnerable emotional position at the moment, when first babies come, mums can grow horns!!! They WILL settle down...eventually.

I had a bit of disagreement with my husband when he wanted him mother present at the birth! Also, I felt very sorry for my sister in law, when she had her first baby, both sets of mums camped in her tiny house with her for a MONTH!!! She cried a jag (which each mother blamed on the other). So I was forwarned! Luckily, I live on the other side of the country from both sets.

Hopefully this bizarre behaviour will settle down by the time the kids are in school. Fat comfort, I know.

I wanted to edit/improve my first, really rushed response but the computer won't let me.