Italiahaircolor
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2007
- Messages
- 5,184
I''ve always owned the fact that my relationship with my in laws isn''t the greatest. Frankly, it''s always been really difficult and hard. This past year I''ve made a major effort to let things move on more easily then I did the past. For example, instead of getting emotionally wrecked over things that were said or done to hurt or offend me, I''d just mentally laugh it off as "just another day in paradise" and let it go. For the most part, this has made everything so much easier. I''ve been able to get past our relationships shortcomings much easier, and I''ve had much less anxiety over being around them.
All of that was great and down right livable until last night.
Background:
My SIL was married before and had children very young--when she was 16. She has a daughter my age, who is getting married over the upcoming holiday weekend in a town about 10 hours away from us on Friday evening. I''m not close with my SIL--and even more distant from her daughter. Her daughter is nice enough, don''t get me wrong, but we have next to nothing in common with each other and I think in the expanse of my marriage, I''ve seen her a grand total of 5 times.
However, I''ve always tried to make a effort to be kind to her. Including her wedding shower, which I wasn''t even invited too...I organized and sent a recipe box to the bride. When the guest list first arrived, I wasn''t on it...I later received an "updated" list with 1 extra person, me, on it. Basically, clearly, I was an afterthought. I didn''t care either way--and I went ahead with the original gift idea thanks to the suggestions I got on this site even before getting the updated list. The bride loved it and I was pleased she liked it.
Now, we''ve been very upfront with the fact that we wouldn''t be going to the wedding. It has nothing to do with my feelings, or anything like that...we just can''t swing it. We''re spread very thin this year between me finishing school and working my regular job...also the fact that I somehow thought it would be "a good idea" to try and open a small side business which parlayed from a hobby. Whatever. We''re just super busy. Not to mention we''re taking an extended vacation in August and will be gone nearly the whole month.
We explained at the time that, although we''d love to be there, it''s just not possible. We understand the importance of the wedding, we''re not trying to slight anyone...but we''re at max capacity when it comes to time management. It''s not an excuse, it just is what it is. We can''t be all things to all people all the time.
So, last night, we get a phone call from my in laws.
My MIL and FIL get on the phone--making a huge point that I''m there to "listen in"--and gets started on how I''ve divided this family and caused so much tension. How I value work more than family and how disappointed they are. MIL takes it back to when my husband and I were getting married (3 years ago) point out all the mistakes I made and how this couple (SIL''s daughter and boyfriend at the time) were at my wedding. She honest-to-God lied about me not letting her invite my husbands Aunts to our shower and a whole laundry-list of other things that were fundamentally untrue. Things that have nothing to do with the supposed issue at hand.
I was shocked. I tried to defend myself while holding my tongue and being respectful. I corrected the misinformation--telling her, with examples, that the Aunts were invited...that I was very accommodating to my SIL''s children when they asked to bring dates three days before the wedding (which involved reworking tables), and even sent my husband to collect them from the airport on our wedding day. I made a point of saying, over and over, that I''ve always done the best I know how to do.
My in laws then accuse me of being bitter over the shower invitation--telling me that I was always invited--again, untrue, since I had the original guest list in hand. I explained that was absolutely not the case, that I wasn''t upset or hurt or trying to even the score. That being invited or not didn''t matter much either way, and I (again) just wanted to do the right thing.
At this point, it started to spiral, my FIL started telling me how I''ve caused so much hurt and tension...and asking me if I didn''t notice that at Christmas--I said, at Christmas, we never even discussed the wedding. So then he asked for "examples" of why I am "the way I am"...and I asked him exactly how far back he wanted me to go, and ended up sharing the example of the night Mark and I got engaged--the night when, instead of congratulations, I was lectured on how this was "forever" and there were no "take backs"--basically calling my character and commitment into question on the night that should have been just for celebration...and my FIL, I kid you not, told me I was an incredibly shallow little girl.
My husband lost it. Yelled at them that he was hanging up to take care of his family, his wife.
My husband and I are now at a major cross roads. He has had enough...he is so hurt and embarrassed and angry...he has gone so far as to say he never wants to speak with them again. And while I''m embarrassed and hurt and angry, I feel like having my husband estrange himself from his parents isn''t the way to go.
See, my MIL has had this fear since jump street that I was going to "take her son" from her. And I''ve always, always done my absolute best to never do that--I''ve been encouraging and open and I''ve never, absolutely never, stood in the way of their relationship. True, I may have voiced my feelings over the years...but I''ve never drawn a line in the sand and said "them or me". And I feel like, if I just let him estrange himself from them, that I have then given validation to all their fears about me--essentially saying, MIL & FIL you''re right--I just wanted to divide your family and steal your son. And I just can''t live with that. I also fear that in time my husband will grow to resent me--although he denies this--for being a part of this drama.
Tomorrow is Fathers Day...and I''m thinking that I should try to reach out them. I know the smart things, the most benign thing, this is to butt out and let them work it out in their own way, in their own time...but my husband can be stubborn and I fear the longer this goes on, the harder it will be. My husband, honest to God, would never estrange himself if it weren''t for how they treat me...and I feel responsible in many ways for that.
So please, tell me what to do. I promised myself I wouldn''t air my "dirty laundry" on this site anymore...but this situation needs fresh eyes and it''s so much bigger than what I can work my mind around right now...
thank you all so much.
All of that was great and down right livable until last night.
Background:
My SIL was married before and had children very young--when she was 16. She has a daughter my age, who is getting married over the upcoming holiday weekend in a town about 10 hours away from us on Friday evening. I''m not close with my SIL--and even more distant from her daughter. Her daughter is nice enough, don''t get me wrong, but we have next to nothing in common with each other and I think in the expanse of my marriage, I''ve seen her a grand total of 5 times.
However, I''ve always tried to make a effort to be kind to her. Including her wedding shower, which I wasn''t even invited too...I organized and sent a recipe box to the bride. When the guest list first arrived, I wasn''t on it...I later received an "updated" list with 1 extra person, me, on it. Basically, clearly, I was an afterthought. I didn''t care either way--and I went ahead with the original gift idea thanks to the suggestions I got on this site even before getting the updated list. The bride loved it and I was pleased she liked it.
Now, we''ve been very upfront with the fact that we wouldn''t be going to the wedding. It has nothing to do with my feelings, or anything like that...we just can''t swing it. We''re spread very thin this year between me finishing school and working my regular job...also the fact that I somehow thought it would be "a good idea" to try and open a small side business which parlayed from a hobby. Whatever. We''re just super busy. Not to mention we''re taking an extended vacation in August and will be gone nearly the whole month.
We explained at the time that, although we''d love to be there, it''s just not possible. We understand the importance of the wedding, we''re not trying to slight anyone...but we''re at max capacity when it comes to time management. It''s not an excuse, it just is what it is. We can''t be all things to all people all the time.
So, last night, we get a phone call from my in laws.
My MIL and FIL get on the phone--making a huge point that I''m there to "listen in"--and gets started on how I''ve divided this family and caused so much tension. How I value work more than family and how disappointed they are. MIL takes it back to when my husband and I were getting married (3 years ago) point out all the mistakes I made and how this couple (SIL''s daughter and boyfriend at the time) were at my wedding. She honest-to-God lied about me not letting her invite my husbands Aunts to our shower and a whole laundry-list of other things that were fundamentally untrue. Things that have nothing to do with the supposed issue at hand.
I was shocked. I tried to defend myself while holding my tongue and being respectful. I corrected the misinformation--telling her, with examples, that the Aunts were invited...that I was very accommodating to my SIL''s children when they asked to bring dates three days before the wedding (which involved reworking tables), and even sent my husband to collect them from the airport on our wedding day. I made a point of saying, over and over, that I''ve always done the best I know how to do.
My in laws then accuse me of being bitter over the shower invitation--telling me that I was always invited--again, untrue, since I had the original guest list in hand. I explained that was absolutely not the case, that I wasn''t upset or hurt or trying to even the score. That being invited or not didn''t matter much either way, and I (again) just wanted to do the right thing.
At this point, it started to spiral, my FIL started telling me how I''ve caused so much hurt and tension...and asking me if I didn''t notice that at Christmas--I said, at Christmas, we never even discussed the wedding. So then he asked for "examples" of why I am "the way I am"...and I asked him exactly how far back he wanted me to go, and ended up sharing the example of the night Mark and I got engaged--the night when, instead of congratulations, I was lectured on how this was "forever" and there were no "take backs"--basically calling my character and commitment into question on the night that should have been just for celebration...and my FIL, I kid you not, told me I was an incredibly shallow little girl.
My husband lost it. Yelled at them that he was hanging up to take care of his family, his wife.
My husband and I are now at a major cross roads. He has had enough...he is so hurt and embarrassed and angry...he has gone so far as to say he never wants to speak with them again. And while I''m embarrassed and hurt and angry, I feel like having my husband estrange himself from his parents isn''t the way to go.
See, my MIL has had this fear since jump street that I was going to "take her son" from her. And I''ve always, always done my absolute best to never do that--I''ve been encouraging and open and I''ve never, absolutely never, stood in the way of their relationship. True, I may have voiced my feelings over the years...but I''ve never drawn a line in the sand and said "them or me". And I feel like, if I just let him estrange himself from them, that I have then given validation to all their fears about me--essentially saying, MIL & FIL you''re right--I just wanted to divide your family and steal your son. And I just can''t live with that. I also fear that in time my husband will grow to resent me--although he denies this--for being a part of this drama.
Tomorrow is Fathers Day...and I''m thinking that I should try to reach out them. I know the smart things, the most benign thing, this is to butt out and let them work it out in their own way, in their own time...but my husband can be stubborn and I fear the longer this goes on, the harder it will be. My husband, honest to God, would never estrange himself if it weren''t for how they treat me...and I feel responsible in many ways for that.
So please, tell me what to do. I promised myself I wouldn''t air my "dirty laundry" on this site anymore...but this situation needs fresh eyes and it''s so much bigger than what I can work my mind around right now...
thank you all so much.