Wedding Picked a date and DF got chewed out....

[Junkenpo]

I finally picked a date for the wedding and it''s sooner than most of our family is comfortable with. DF would''ve preferred to wait a little longer to save up for a bigger bash, but I want to be married more than I want to a schmancy reception, and DF loves me enough to let me have my way.

Except....

His folks know and his Pops is less than happy and expressed himself about it to DF today. The day falls on a Monday and FFIL thinks that we''re not taking our relatives'' schedules into consideration. He''s worried that they won''t be able to come and people getting upset that they can''t come celebrate with us. And there was also some concern about having one priest officiate over the other (it doesn''t make a difference to me, I think it was an availabilty issue) and the ever-present "don''t let money be an issue, we''ll help if you need it."

I wasn''t there, but DF is upset about being put in the middle. DF knows I won''t relinquish the date and doesn''t want to hear it from his father.

Any suggestions on how to approach FFIL and lovingly tell him as much as the wedding is "a marriage of 2 families" it''s still not his decision to make?

 

[angielea]

Just so we know, why are you so set on getting married on a Monday? You have to admit thats a rather inconvinient day for a wedding..

 

[robbie3982]

Hmm, I agree that a Monday is a pretty inconvenient day for guests to attend a wedding, especially if anyone''s from out of town, but it''s your wedding and if that''s when you want it, that''s when you should have it. Just make sure that you won''t be upset if a lot of people can''t come or they leave early. If you''re ok with that, then I wouldn''t worry about them being upset.

I would explain to your FFIL that this is what you and DF have decided that you want for YOUR wedding and that you understand that not everyone will be able to make it or stay late into the night, but you''re ok with that.

I wouldn''t accept money from him if you don''t want to allow him to have decision making power.

 

[Haven]

If you have valid, compelling reasons for wanting your wedding on a Monday in the nearer future than your FFIL would prefer, I''d have a visit with him to share those reasons.

If he still doesn''t support you, well, then call me up and we''ll go out for our own visit to vent about our FFILs together, because I''m in that boat right now.

Good luck, sweetie!

 

[pjean]

My parents were married on a Monday because it was the only day available in June. Close friends of mine were married on a Monday because it was about $3000 cheaper for the venue. People came to both weddings, the world continued to turn.

It''s tough if you''re expecting a lot of people to drive in from a couple of hours away, but it''s not nearly the disaster your FIL probably thinks it is. TTSP. (This Too Shall Pass.

)

 

[swimmer]

A friend got married on a Monday, on a lovely beach, and while it saved tons of money, the idea was that only those people who really wanted to be there were there. Everyone else had the excuse that it was on a workday and so did not have to attend. I think it stands out as one of my favorite weddings, it was a great vibe.

 

[cara]

With respect to the other nice weddings/valid reasons offered for having a Monday wedding, the OP has not provided hers. That is what matters.

As well, there is no reason to go stepping on toes if you don't have to. These people are soon to be your relatives. I'm not saying you can't have your way, or that your wants aren't much more important than your in-laws wants regarding your wedding, but, as a matter of good family relations, you should try to accommodate them when you can, when it is consistent with what you AND your FI want.

BTW, what does your FI want? Just to keep you happy or does he have any personal opinions on the location/size/timing of wedding. Oh, I see. He did have an opinion, you overruled it, and now he feels "stuck in the middle". Great.

How about coming up with a joint decision that meets both your desires and your FIs'? One that might involve some compromise on both ends. One that your FI feels strongly enough about that he can defend it himself to his family, because he feels that you two have jointly considered all the ramifications and made the best possible decision TOGETHER. A decision that allows your own preferences as a couple to predominate, but does at least consider how other people feel about it.

You then explain your decision lovingly by explaining how you reached it, and include how you considered other people's feelings and your families' abilities to attend and balanced that against other considerations. In other words, you demonstrate that you actually consider it a "marriage of two families" and a celebration that involves two families by including them in the decision making process even if you ultimately get to decide what to do.

ETA: Practical suggestion: Courthouse wedding early, church wedding later? Or whatever works for you guys getting legally married now and then having a larger affair later where family can attend and celebrate with you.

 

[Junkenpo]

Thanks for the replies ladies!

Honestly, I wanted a summer wedding because the weather is fantastic. (I live in Hawaii.) But I didn't want to wait till next summer because even though my father is in relative decent health now, he has a history of diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart disease. He's in his late 60s. While it's likely he'll still be alive next year, there are no guarantees, y'know?

I pushed the wedding back into July because I teach at a year-round school and wanted it done before new school year started. The date is the Monday of the week teachers are expected back to work.

If DF had popped the question last year, I'd've been one of those that got married on 7-7-07. The wedding day is a multiple of 7. DF has said not to tell FFIL that as a reason.

I wanted an extremely small wedding. DF's immediate family, his best man. My immediate family & maid of honor. A lunch afterward. Yes...this is a morning wedding. I figured to let everyone (including me & DF) be free by evening. DF was willing until he moved home this last month & came under fire of his family. I'm compromising by opening up the guest list even though just thinking about having to mix it up as the center of attention makes me want to run from my own reception. I love my extended family and do enjoy the occasional get-together...but I'm not close to many of them, and while I know they'd be happy for me, they'd be coming out of family obligation, to see other family members, & for the food.

All his immediate family is on island. Some of my immediate family is flying in. My favorite brother will only be on island for a week & fits his travel plans. I took his vacation time into consideration. My older brother is off Sun/Mon & would also have to fly in. His wife also works for the school system & would not be working.

I always figured, the people who can come, will...and the ones who can't, won't & it doesn't mean they love us any less.

I also suggested that we would make up the small wedding with the huge family celebration with our firstborn's first birthday Baby Luau...which is also supposed to be a huge, elaborate family party and would give us a couple of years to save....

 

[bee*]

Is your FI happy getting married this July? I''m really not trying to be mean, it''s just reading your last post I saw "I want" written a lot. If he''s ok with it then I''d go ahead as planned but if he''s not, then I think that it''s a good idea to pick a day that both of you are happy with. It''s his wedding also/

 

[Junkenpo]

Honestly, DF understands my reasoning...or at least, he accepts it. If he was adamantly opposed, I know I could count on him to say "No." He''s actually really good at telling me NO. heheh...

I''m just put off that DF was okay with everything until he moved back home & closer to his family. I guess since he didn''t feel strongly about the date in the first place, it''s easier for him to say it''s okay to change it.

I guess part of it is that I like the date, and changing it would be just another of many more concessions his family would want and DF would try to accomodate.

 

[Sabine]

There''s giving in to everything little whim of your families, and then there''s being accommodating to the people you care about in your life. It sounds to me like once your FI moved home, he realized how inconvenient your wedding plans were for people and how much they wanted to help celebrate with you. Is there a compromise at all here? Any possible other dates that you would be happy with that would still fall in the summer months?

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 5/17/2008 2:38:45 PM
Author: bee*
Is your FI happy getting married this July? I''m really not trying to be mean, it''s just reading your last post I saw ''I want'' written a lot. If he''s ok with it then I''d go ahead as planned but if he''s not, then I think that it''s a good idea to pick a day that both of you are happy with. It''s his wedding also/

I agree with Bee. I know you seem to be set on a particular date or day of the week, but I''d go with another one that works out better for others. I also agree with Sabine -- maybe compromise a little.

 

[[email protected]]

Is this the Monday of a holiday weekend?
The hard thing about this is that there is no perfect way to do it. Someone will always want you to do it differently. That being said, a regular Monday could be tough, if you just want your anniversary to fall on a certain date you could have a ceremony and party separately.
Small weddings are nice, however.
Could you get married at midnight Sunday evening?