permission

[deadwood]

haven''t met the father yet and not likely for a while. Daughter is 37...do I still need to seek permission? Don''t want to get strated on the wrong foot but it''s not in the cards and was thinking of popping the question sooner rather than later.

 

[JT]

Yes! I would never consider proposing w/out asking, but then again I''m very old fashion. Maybe you could ask for their blessing?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I would be insulted if my bf asked my father and not my mother. Besides, It is not my parents'' who are getting married, so whay ask them first?

 

[RoseAngel04]

I just got engaged this weekend

and my fiance did ask for my father''s blessing. That was very important to me, my FI, and my parents so I very much appreciate his respect for my family.

We are younger than ya''ll, but I still would think it would be nice to ask your FFIL''s blessing. Permission isn''t the greatest word, but BLESSING is!

 

[Tali]

Really depends on your FI. Frankly, I''d be insulted if my DH had asked my father for permission. I agree that blessing is different, but even that would be cutting it close to my feminist ways. I also married at 35, fairly close to your FI''s age. I''d been long out of my parents'' influence. IMHO, you should try and feel out your FI on this one. It would not have gone over well here.

Best wishes, regardless!

 

[Larissa]

I''m with the insulted group. If he had asked for either of my parent''s permission or blessing I''d be pissed.

Find out what she thinks before making any moves.

 

[FireGoddess]

I wish my DH had asked for my parents'' blessing before proposing. It''s a respect thing, and I think parents are deserving of it. It wouldn''t have changed whether or not I accepted the proposal, but I think it''s a nice gesture towards your future family.

 

[Clarygrace]

Call me a traditionalist, but asking for a blessing is a very respectful thing to do...

...you''ll make the right call that is suitable for your situation, but being a gentlemen is always a good thing...

Good luck and Happy Engagement to be!

 

[diamondfan]

Clary, totally off topic, but is that a weimareiner? sooo cute...

 

[doppelganger]

Warning: Rant ahead... I hate the concept of asking permission to marry your significant other. Asking for a blessing sounds a little better, but its still very close to asking permission. What if the FILs say no or don''t give you their blessing? Then what? Are you not going to marry her? aww shucks, i guess i better move on to someone else now... I don''t think so. (For all you Everybody Loves Raymond fans, remember when Amy''s parents didn''t give Robert their blessing?)

Its the 21st century people. Women aren''t property anymore. They have jobs (and keep those jobs after they get married and sometimes even make more $$ than the dude), they''re independant, and they can think for themselves. And they can very well make their own decisions. At least mine can. If i have a daughter and her guy asks me for permission, i''m going to say no, and he better dang well say he doesn''t care and that he''s going to marry her anyways. (Remember when Latka was told he and Simka couldn''t get married?)

I think if the couple to be married were very young (teens), then I''d be ok with asking permission, but as for the grownups, well, see above...

end rant.

 

[reader]

My FH asked me first, then was ashamed he didn''t ask my father. My dad was not happy to be asked. "Son, my daughter is a 31 year old woman. Are you saying I didn''t raise her right that she can''t think for herself?"
Since that conversation, dad has taken us both aside for conversations of "here is how I screwed up with her mother" and "how I wish I had been treated when I was married"...so far, dad''s advice has been right on the money, and we haven''t had a fight since.

Then again, my dad also did the ''man test'' on him when we started dating, and so far, he is the only guy I brought home that passed.

 

[KimberlyH]

My fiance let my dad and mom know he was planning to propose but he didn''t ask for permission. I was 28 when we got engaged and lived 100s of miles away from my parents. We have a great relationship but not one that includes the need for their permission for me to marry. I think it''s kind that he talked to my parents first though, because it made them feel important and special...and family should feel that way! Does the future fiance know you''re considering proposing? Perhaps asking how she feels about it in a round about way (Johnny proposed to Linda w/o asking her father''s permission first, how do you feel about that dear?) to que you in on what is best for you would be a good idea.

 

[oshinbreez]

I''m older than 37....but I think it would be sweet if David asked my mom for her blessing before we get engaged. It wouldn''t make a difference as far as marrying him, but I would like the gesture.

 

[mblgjr]

I feel that it is proper and very traditional to ask.

Even if you haven''t met the gentleman and won''t for quite some time, I think a phone call would suffice. If you are close enough, or withing a few hundred miles, I''d still suggest meeting him first. Remember that you''re also marrying her family, so its always best that they at least tolerate you (and vice-versa).

Good luck.

 

[hilbake]

Date: 10/5/2006 5:05:30 AM
Author: reader
My FH asked me first, then was ashamed he didn''t ask my father. My dad was not happy to be asked. ''Son, my daughter is a 31 year old woman. Are you saying I didn''t raise her right that she can''t think for herself?''

Since that conversation, dad has taken us both aside for conversations of ''here is how I screwed up with her mother'' and ''how I wish I had been treated when I was married''...so far, dad''s advice has been right on the money, and we haven''t had a fight since.


Then again, my dad also did the ''man test'' on him when we started dating, and so far, he is the only guy I brought home that passed.

Sorry, this is a little off topic but I''m curious to know. What''s the ''man test''?

 

[reader]

Ok, dad has a long and complicated test for men that either I, or my stepsister have dated. First off, dad just talks to them, finds out about their interests, then he finds a bunch of heavy labor chores that need help with, and finally, he does something insulting to me or Lee to see how the man reacts.

For FH, he started off by talking about cars and tractors, and then sports teams. FH couldn''t discuss sports teams so that was a plus. (Not wasting time in front of the TV) Then, it was hauling scrap metal from 8 am until 10 at night, helping with barns, that sort of thing on a 90+ degree day...dad was working alongside of him, but he waited on FH to either complain or quit. He didn''t, he was covered in dirt when he got home, and fell asleep in the bathtub though. Next day, I was sent up a rickety wooden ladder while wearing heels and having my weight insulted by dad. FH was really angry at dad for risking me, and even more so for insulting my looks, and let him know about it in no uncertain terms.

Dad couldn''t have been happier: someone who is willing to do manual labor despite having 2 degrees means stability to him, (Daughter, job markets turn bad all the time and a degree might just be worth nothing) and he wanted me with someone who would stand up for me and insist I get treated with respect.
FH liked the fact dad cared enough to test him out. He is still a little afraid of dad though, who is 64 and almost a whole foot shorter than him. LOL

 

[etienneperret]

I have to agree with the ranting Doppelganger.

When I chose to marry my wife it was she I was marrying not her mother or her father. Their opinion of me was important, so of course I made my best efforts to put my best foot forward. I can not imagine being asked for permission when my daughter or my sons get married. I raised children to think for themselves, and they are pretty darn good at it.

 

[poptart]

I also agree with Doppleganger. I specifically told my husband I did not want him to ask my mother for permission or anything. It was a decision between us and more important than permission is that my mom respects him, me and our decision. Some people like to do it the old fashioned way though, and you need to find out if she is one of those people.

Marisa