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Perfect age difference between siblings...

Dreamer_D

Dreamer_D

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
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What do you think is the perfect age difference between siblings?

Perfect from the perspective of the kids' relationship, but also perfect from the perspective of the parents' sanity 8) These may or may not be the same answers...

All perspectives welcome!

For me, I am unsure. I have been looking at siblings and families for a while and observing the sibling age differences, and it seems like a bigger difference is great when they are little, but once the second child is a year old, and the infant phase is almost over, a smaller age difference seems to work better in terms of the sibling relationship and them amusing one another at play.
 
I don't know about parent's sanity, but my older brother and I were three years apart. DH and his sister are 4 years apart. We're both close with our siblings as adults, but weren't overly close as kids due to the difference in age and gender. I also have a brother who's 13 years younger than me. I don't recommend that age difference, though I love him to bits. He and I have a very different sibling relationship than my older brother and I did. For much of his life I was a caretaker, nurturer, and disciplinarian, so we've really had to work past the whole adult/child relationship thing. It's almost like when you get to know your parents as individual people vs parents. Now he and I are super close and it's much more of a peer relationship/friendship than caretaker/child.
 
I have a fantastic relationship with two of my siblings. My brother is 1.5 years younger than I am, my sister is 7 years younger. We get along great, always have.

My youngest sister was born almost 9 years after I was, and we have never been close. I'm not sure which is more of a factor; the age difference or the personality clash, but I'm sure they both contribute. In the end, I think an age difference can be overcome of the two siblings involved generally get along and can enjoy similar activities. There is no "perfect" age difference, IMO. But my mother said having two sets so close in age meant that we each had a best friend growing up, which is completely true. :))
 
I think Vespergirl posted an article several months ago that stated that 3 years in age difference was ideal--I think the article said that with 2 years apart, the siblings tended to compete too much with each other. More than 3 years and the kids were too far apart in age to relate...or something like that. I remember this because my sisters are close in age (2 years between each) and they still compete with each other despite being in their 30's, haha.

I'll have to see if I can find the article...

ETA: I found the article (I'd sent it to a friend). It doesn't really mention anything about an upper cap, just the issue of closely-spaced siblings. My closest sister is still 7 years my senior and we were not clost at all growing up (too far apart in age), but are close now.
http://www.empathicparenting.org/closely.html
 
For the parents, I think 3 years is pretty nice.

But more and more, I think 2 under 2 is awesome...if you can handle the madness. My brother and I were 15 months apart, and boy I loved having a sibling that close in age. We played together all the time. My friend has kids 3.5 years apart, and the little brother is nothing but a pain to the older sister. They get along most of the time, but there isn't much playing together involved.
 
My boys are 5 years apart and so far, it is WONDERFUL! My older son loves to play and entertain the younger one and I can say, play with your brother while I make dinner and I can get things done (while supervising them, of course). The baby absolutely loves his older brother and will turn himself all the way around to follow him around a room, laughs and smiles when he talks to him, etc. I think it was great because I had lots of special time alone with my first, and now he is off to school, so I also have that special time alone with the second. It is also great that the older one is old enough to be a bit independent...he can shower by himself, pick out his clothes, brush his teeth, etc. Who knows in a few years, but as of right now, their age difference feels "perfect" to me.
 
I don't have kids yet.

But I think waiting until #1 is 5 before having #2 would be perfect.
 
From watching sibling pairs, it seems like the playing together works best is there is less than 3 years difference. No guarantee of course, but I saw a 4 year old today and her 11 month old sister, and really, there is no playing going on there -- they are like different animals! They have nothing in common!

My husband was 5 years and 7 years older than his siblings and was not close with them growing up, he babysat them. Now he is closer to his middle brother, but not much to the youngest.

We are trying to figure out when to TTC again. Our son is 18 months, and we are both feeling the baby fever again, but I am nervous about having two kids is diapers. Hunter will stay in daycare when we have the second, since that is the only way to keep our spot and priority for number two, so it is not going to be so bad for the first 12 months, but I am still nervous about having two young kids running around!! :errrr:
 
FL Steph said:
My boys are 5 years apart and so far, it is WONDERFUL! My older son loves to play and entertain the younger one and I can say, play with your brother while I make dinner and I can get things done (while supervising them, of course). The baby absolutely loves his older brother and will turn himself all the way around to follow him around a room, laughs and smiles when he talks to him, etc. I think it was great because I had lots of special time alone with my first, and now he is off to school, so I also have that special time alone with the second. It is also great that the older one is old enough to be a bit independent...he can shower by himself, pick out his clothes, brush his teeth, etc. Who knows in a few years, but as of right now, their age difference feels "perfect" to me.
Click to expand...

This would be my ideal, but since we waited so long to have Micah, I think we will end up having his sibling when he is 3 or almost 4 instead. (In a perfect world, anyway.)
 
FL Steph said:
My boys are 5 years apart and so far, it is WONDERFUL! My older son loves to play and entertain the younger one and I can say, play with your brother while I make dinner and I can get things done (while supervising them, of course). The baby absolutely loves his older brother and will turn himself all the way around to follow him around a room, laughs and smiles when he talks to him, etc. I think it was great because I had lots of special time alone with my first, and now he is off to school, so I also have that special time alone with the second. It is also great that the older one is old enough to be a bit independent...he can shower by himself, pick out his clothes, brush his teeth, etc. Who knows in a few years, but as of right now, their age difference feels "perfect" to me.
Click to expand...

My close friend swears by this too... she is pregnant and her second will be born when her first is almost 5. For all the reasons you describe she thought it would be perfect.
 
The age difference between my oldest DD and DS#1 is 7 years and 2 days. Between my two boys it's 21 months. I loved the age difference between my DD and DS#1 because she really was a huge help, no jealousy issues, she was in school during the day so I could devote 7 solid hours to DS#1 when he was a baby, and DD was self-sufficiant for the most part. She was and still is, very nuturing to her brothers (but that may be because she's a girl?).

But having two boys 21 months apart has been great, too! Looking back it was hard when DS#2 was a baby and DS#1 was a toddler. Two in diapers, two still waking up at night, helping DD with her school work, plus keeping up on the housework and DH traveled alot for work. But once DS#2 could really interact with DS#1, they have been best friends. Every day is a play date for them! DH and I say alot that if we didn't have DS#2 how bored DS#1 and DD might be! But then again, DS#2 is a goofball :cheeky:
 
My kids are 3 years apart and it has worked out nicely. No sibling rivalry because were into different things at different schools. I heard close births are more difficult when the kids are the same sex. 13 and 15 year sisters could stir up a lot of sibling rivalry.

My son and daughter get along really well. They visit each other at their college campuses, have socialized with each other's groups, etc. But they genuinely like each other, too, and that has more to do with personality than age. Since age, sex, personality, and interests are so unique it'd be hard to say any one age gap would be better than another. But anything over 5 years and it won't be a peer relationship. I think one disservice parents do to their kids is expect one kid to babysit the other. It often causes a lifelong resentment.
 
I'm sure there is no simple equation. My oldest entered preschool by the time the little one arrived so 'For me'4 years between the two was perfect!
They both got equal amounts of my attention, discipline and responsiveness.
Sibling Rivalry: We need to teach our kids positive ways to get our attention instead of picking fights. Family Dynamics play a huge role ie kids with any difficulties may subconsciously influence how the parent treats the child. How parents treat /react to conflict can make a big difference on how well siblings get along imho.
Whatever the age gap, we need to prepare them to new arrivals and always make them feel special as individuals.
 
4 years between my older sister, 8 years between my younger sister.

Four years is good. She graduated high school right before I was about to go in so we weren't in it together. That was nice. However, she was in 5th grade when I was in 1st so we were at the same school then and it was nice to have her there in case I needed her at that young age.

Eight years is much too long in my opinion. I love my little sister to death now but it definitely wasn't the case for many, many years. She was more like an only child in many ways and she was at that bratty, tattling age for what seemed like FOREVER. My older sister is 12 years apart from my younger sister and their relationship has never really been good. Older sis wouldn't even look at younger sis for months after she came home from the hospital. It was all very awkward.
 
Mmm....interesting question. A friend of mine who just had her second thinks that 3 years is perfect, becauase the 3-year olds is more 'settled' emotionally than she was at 2, and is also old enough now to dress and feed herself, take care of little tasks etc. I do remember seeing her daughter at church when she was 2 years +, and boy, she was a little terror! She threw a lot of tantrums and was always demanding her mother's attention. Seeing her in church, now, at 3 years old, is so different. She actually sits still and is able to entertain herself by drawing, playing quietly, etc. Must make a world of difference to her parents and their stress levels... :wink2: ...especially with a new baby in tow.

So ideally, I would probably say 3 years - close enough in age for the siblings to play together, but with enough space for the parents to maintain their sanity.

That said, I will probably TTC sooner than that. I'm 34 and DH is 42, so age is a factor. The thought of having two children in diapers in VERY VERY frightening, but at the same time, I don't want to put it off for too long.
 
I have two brothers--one is just over three years younger than me, and the other is ten years younger than me. I adore them both. There has never been much sibling rivalry between me and either of them; I'm significantly older than them, I am the opposite sex, and I've always had very different interests, strengths, and skills. I consider both to be my good friends, although the older one is much more a peer-friend, while I very much still feel like the "big sister" to the younger one (he's only 16).

There was a lot of rivalry between my brothers, despite them being 6.5 years apart. I think it was mostly a personality clash and had little to do with their age difference. The enmity really dissipated once the younger one got to age 12 or so and could interact with the older one like a friend. They are great friends now and spend tons of time together.

For my parents, it was nice to have a "breather" between kids. They got to enjoy each one of us at different stages and had more time to devote to us individually since we were further apart. It seemed like friends who had multiple siblings very close in age got the "herd" treatment more often from their parents as opposed to receiving individualized attention--but this might also have just been a difference in parenting styles. I think my parents have enjoyed the fact that my littlest brother has still been at home after my other brother and I moved away and went to college and graduate school. When the little one goes to college, I think they will be really ready to be retired and child-free.
 
Based on my experience with my own children who are 17 months apart, I kind of love it. Maybe it's because they are same sex siblings but it's really not as bad/hard as everyone expects it to be. My older daughter will never remember being an only child, all of her childhood memories will involve her little sister who is her best friend (right now) and playmate. She never had a chance to get really spoiled but still received more than enough attention from us. My girls play together all the time and it's awesome. They fight also but nothing dramatic and regardless of age difference, siblings will fight. That link above was a turn off to me the first time it was posted and it still is. I can only speak for my situation and I will say that it works for us. I couldn't imagine life with my 3 year old and a new baby right now. I also don't understand why it's so hard to have 2 in diapers at the same time. It's really not a big deal at all and we just got it over with faster than being done with diapers and then having to start all over again. And my almost 2 year old is now peeing on the potty because she has been watching her sister do it so I feel like the diaper issue is a non-issue. We've been done with bottles and all the baby crap for a while now and I was thrilled every time we were able to get rid of something--bouncy seat, Bumbo, pack n play, etc. Maybe my age does have something to do with it as well so since DH and I are not getting younger, we are glad to have the baby years behind us. Anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying I really don't think there is a perfect age difference. Everyone will have their own opinion based on their experiences but it really all comes down to what works for you and your family, a very personal thing.
 
I think a 3 year difference is perfect for me. For the child, probably closer in age like 18 months.

ETA: I forgot to answer why I think this lol. From my experience, 3 year olds seem to be a bit more independent so that when you bring a newborn home, they're ok playing quietly without needing constant attention. I think a 3 year old can also "help" out more with the new baby. As they get older, they'll always be in school with each other (if I'm doing my math correctly) but one will have been at the school longer so they can help guide the other. And the gap isn't so big that they won't want to hang out together.

As it turns out, we will most likely wait 4-5 years.

I've said this before in other threads but having brothers 7 and 8 years younger than me, growing up I always felt like a guardian rather than an older sister. We never played with each other because we wanted to, instead I played to keep them entertained while my mom did laundry/cook/other stuff.

Now that we're older, I'm taking on more of the big sister role than of a "second" mother role. They share a lot about their lives and I give them guidance. One thing I LOVE about our age difference is that I have been there, done that. All of the stress and anxiety I went through in college, I can share with them and give them the gudance to be better than me.
 
I don't have any kids but I have 3 brothers. Between the 4 of us, there's 5 years between oldest and youngest. I don't recall there being rivalry between me and my brothers, although they certainly picked on me a lot. We certainly played together when we were younger (pre 16ish) but not as much when we got older. We're not especially close now but maybe that's because they all have children of their own and I don't plus we don't really live near each other.

According to my mother, it was easier have 4 babies/toddlers at once than having 4 teenagers at once. And, I'm sure having 4 of us in college at once (oldest brother was on the 7 year plan) was no picnic either.
 
20 months between me and my younger sister - we fought like crazy and have never had much in common. There were huge jealousy issues over my being the eldest and this not being 'fair' and a lot of competitiveness. We've only started to get on since Daisy was born as we now both have kids and therefore a common 'interest' otherwise we have easily gone a year or more without communicating (not due to any rift, just because we aren't close).

5 years between me and my younger brother - we played together hugely as children and are still very close now.

13 years between me and my youngest sister - I'm more like her aunt!

If we were to have a second it would be when Daisy was 5. I think it's a nice gap... there's none of the older one feeling like they are being kicked out of the stroller and they tend to be excited about the idea of a sibling. They're off to school so you can give real time to the new baby, and they have had the same attention in their early years. Plus they can entertain the younger child and give you a bit of a hand.
 
DD- the timing of this thread is so perfect for me! This has been a NIGHTLY discussion in our house! Funny thing is, I think DH will probably go with whatever (although he is leaning towards waiting a bit) but I cannot decide what I think is best for us. On one hand, I would love for our kids to be close. My brother is 4.5 years older than me, and we were really never all that close because of the gap. To be fair, we are also very different types of people, but I don't think the age gap helped the situation. I would also love to get through with the baby phase, diapers, and equipment soon!

On the other hand, I am worried about 'robbing' Ellie of her baby-time with us. Is that silly?
ETA: I feel bad for using that terminology ('robbing'). I don't mean to hurt anyone's feeling if they had/will have their kids close together. I'm not saying I think that is a valid concern, it's just a fear I have. In reality, I think I would prefer to have our kids close together and am hoping we 'get on it' :naughty: to make #2 ASAP :tongue: .
 
aah, i wish i knew the answer to this one - unfortunately i don't think there is a perfect gap.

there's a 3 yr age gap btw my siblings and myself, and we are all very close. i'm also 10 yrs older than my youngest sibling, and we are just as close as with the others....so i can't really say. conversely, my hubby has about 1.5 yrs between his siblings and they are close, but not as close as my family is. sometimes i wonder if it's more about the other factors in a family vs. age e.g. how close of a unit they are in general, what they do together etc.

i would suggest to go with what you think works best for your family situation. for us, my children will be just under 2 yrs apart. i envision it being a VERY tough road for the first year or so, but i would hope they will be close in the coming years. this is the timeline that made most sense to us, given that i didn't want to be too old when they are teens (i'll be 33 when the second baby is born) and i did feel like i had to have my kids in quick succession given that i started having children later than many (31).

whatever you decide, i'm sure you guys will be great at it, and hunter will be an awesome big brother! good luck!
 
I don't think there is a 'perfect;' only a perfect for you and your family ;)) ;))

As far as sibling relationships, it is totally hit or miss. I am VERY close with my little sister who is 10 years younger than me. Little bro is 4 years younger than me and we are also quite close. There is a younger middle brother who is 8 years younger than me and..... a rather difficult personality, at times. He and little sis are only 18 months apart and have spent the better part of their lives trying to drive each other insane, after initially being inseparable as small children. However, he does get along quite well with the older bro. So I suspect, despite your best efforts, your kids will love each other OR not, depending on many factors in addition to their ages.
 
I can tell you what is not a good age difference 11 years :wacko: just as the oldest leaves the house, the youngest is a teenager and getting ready to drive...what was I thinking :lol:
 
My younger sister and I are 3.5 years apart. Growing up, we got along ok, bickered some, but I don't remember feeling exactly close to her until we became adults. She on the other hand, remembers every single thing I did, wore, and said when we were younger...I guess she was watching closely. We get along very well now and I think I would space it out similarly. There was no jealousy on my part since I was the older one, but she always wanted to "catch up" to me or was envious of things that I was doing since she was younger.
 
When we were trying to decide what we wanted to do, I asked everybody I knew, and got a different answer every time. My brother and I are not quite 19 months apart and we lived out in the country, so pretty much only had each other. Fought like cats and dogs at times. As we got a little older, we had different friends and did NOT get along, but then when he was a Freshman and I was a Sophomore, it was a total turnaround. We did pretty much everything together, (so much so that a girl he liked thought we were dating) b/c we ended up w/the same friends. I like having him this close in age. I don't know that we would be if we were farther apart.

JD and his sister are about the same age difference, were cool together at one time and now there is no love lost there.

My cousin who is 10 months younger, has a brother 4 (I think!) years younger and a sister 15 years younger-they're all really close, and we're close w/them as well so it's just hard to predict.

London was not quite 3 1/2 when Trapper was born. Some ways it was easier, some ways harder. She was already potty trained, but it was hard on her and she did not want anything to do w/him for a good long while. 3 1/2 years later, they can be super loving and sweet together, and they can attack each other like lunatics.

Kinda just a roll of the dice I guess. I wasn't ready to share my time with London early on, so even tho we planned to have them close together like us, it wasn't the right time for *me* when the time came around.

ETA: Trapper would get frustrated and freak out b/c he couldn't do the things London was doing. He learned to talk lickety split, and got so mad that he had a hard time keeping up w/her so there wasn't a lot of learning to walk, he just did it. We actually kinda missed out on some of that, now that I think about it!
 
As a twin, I would say it's best to have them close together! :cheeky: As someone without kids, though, I can't imagine how moms of twins and/or kids close in age do it!

My twin sister and I were very close growing up, always played together, etc. We had our own friends too (and still do), but we're still close today. I also have two older brothers (one is 5 years old and one is 7 years older) and an older sister (10 years older). I wasn't close with my oldest sister until I hit my twenties, really. She was more of a second mom when I was a kid-my twin sister and I called her and our mom "Mom" when we were little.

Growing up I did play with the brother who is 5 years older than me a little bit, but we mostly fought! We've never really gotten along-my mom says we're just like oil and water). With my other brother who is 7 years older than me, we get along great, but neither of us is great about staying in touch, and he lives in Sweden now so we don't see each other often. When I was young we didn't play together at all, really-too much of an age difference. I think part of why I'm closer with my sisters is gender, too.

My best friend growing up was about 2 years apart from her older sister and younger brother and they all got along great. They all love the age difference-so much so that my best friend has a 4 year old, a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old! Her older sister's kids are very close in age, too. They both planned to have kids that close in age because they wanted them to be close, too.
 
I want to have two under two, to get the young baby stage over with in one swoop, so I think 18-20 months is a nice age difference.
 
Thanks for all the replies! The variety of answers is not very helpful though :cheeky:

As a few mentioned, there is not perfect, just perfect for your family. I guess that is what I am trying to figure out.

We have been getting the baby bug again pretty strongly recently. Sometimes I want to jump on it, and sometimes I think it is crazy and we should wait a while longer! There are no strong arguments in either camp, which makes it harder!
 
Dreamer, if there no strong arguments on either camp, then I say do it and do it now! :cheeky: Seriously, you're a great mom and you will be able to handle it just fine. And I do think that close age siblings will entertain each other in a different, and possibly more mutual way. I think it'd be great!
 
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