- Joined
- Dec 18, 2007
- Messages
- 3,793
Hi Violet,
I don't have children. My marriage didn't work out and I was always somewhat on the fence about children. I'm of an age where it really isn't going to happen - had to really face that in the last couple of years - and personally, I've found some peace and relief in that. (I'm single and almost 45.)
To explain, I'm very aware of the upsides of having children. They're so cute, and you can see yourselves and your ancestors in them, perhaps, and they are very loving, especially when small.
However, for some reason I was always hyper-aware of the multiple ways that things can go very, very wrong.
I think the biggest question for people without kids is always, what will life be like if I outlive my spouse and siblings?
Yes, it's a scary thought. But, you know, having kids isn't any guarantee of company and comfort in old age. I have seen some truly breathtaking selfishness on the part of middle-aged adults toward their parents, and I know MANY people who barely seem to bother with their parents at all. My parents did a LOT for my brother, and he basically couldn't wait to leave home and then made it very clear for the rest of their lives that anything to do with them was a burden and a bother. He wanted to live his own life and basically had no time for them. Sadly, this is not unusual.
Kids can break your heart.
I know it probably doesn't help since you really want kids, but FWIW my silver linings are:
- An ability to save for my old age so I can take care of myself. (I took out longterm care insurance.)
- A home that's a refuge from outside stresses.
- Time to do all the things I want.
- Time to cultivate enriching relationships and pursuits: Good friends/playing an instrument/reading great books uninterrupted.
- A sense of control over my life. When you have kids, you don't have as much control over your life or how pleasant your home life is, because their behavior affects you so much. I'm not sure how I would have handled a grumpy teen who was getting in with a bad crowd, for example.
These things may not help you. I'm just listing them because they helped me, and who knows, perhaps sharing helps.
As for the social aspects, well, that's been very interesting.
I do find that people with families seem to value friendship less and are less interested in it. They tend to spend the vast majority of their evenings home with their families - they go right home after work, and that's that.
As for the remarks, oh yeah. Had tons of those. It's my contention that people know exactly what they're doing and that their horrible comments are designed to smoke you out. They want you to be indignant and say, "Actually, I couldn't have them!" or whatever, so they get to know why.
The child issue was a very painful one for me for a very long time. People are less vicious about it these days since we had some deaths in the family and since I've gotten older, but I've decided to respond to any enquiries by simply saying that it's a topic I don't talk about.
If I were you, if anyone throws remarks your way, I would question them. "Sorry, what did you say? I didn't hear. What do you mean?" etc. They won't do it again. People who make remarks are counting on you letting it slide.
I think you and I have discussed this briefly in other threads, so I had hoped you would chime in. Thank you for this response....you actually have given me a lot to think about. I had a brief period of relief after I turned 41 (don't ask me why that age was the one), that it was all over, and it wasn't going to happen for me. That seemed more peaceful than to keep trying and getting disappointed. I guess the birth of my brother's child just stirred it all back up again, which honestly sort of shocked me. Being the only one feels so lonely. And honestly, at this age, I'm scared to start the process anyway, but I still feel so profoundly sad these days.
I am really going to give some thought to the positives that you offer in your response. I am sorry that we share this experience, but I'm SO grateful that you took the time to reply. Thank you so much.