People who do not have children...

[violet3]

Missy's last thread on life challenges had me thinking. I was unable to have children, and it made my 30s a really sad time, as nearly all of my friends, and all of my siblings grew their families. Are there other PSers on her who can relate, and if so, how do you deal with this sadness? Does it get better or easier with time? Are there things I could or should be doing to make this easier on myself?

I'm 42, and my youngest brother (37) just had a baby, so it has reopened this pain for me in a pretty major way. I'm now the only one of my 4 siblings without children. I try to be graceful about it, but it's really hard. I actually was shocked at just how painful it was when they had the baby last week - I work with my therapist pretty regularly on this topic, but it feels like I just took several steps backward since the new baby arrived. I also feel like a rotten sister, because something so joyful for my brother has made me so profoundly sad.

If anyone can relate, or has any advice to give, I'd love to hear it

 

[violet3]

Just to be clear, if anyone reads this, I love my nephews so very dearly (I now have 4!), and I am very active in their lives. I try very hard to never let my sadness affect my feelings toward them, and I love, love, love, being an aunt. I just wish I could be a mother also.

 

[seaurchin]

@violet, I am a mother but I think it is perfectly understandable that a sibling having a child brings up your own sadness about it. It certainly doesn't mean you'd want to take his happiness away from him.

Also, I'm sure you've thought of this but at the same time it might help to remember that you likely CAN be a parent too if you really want to be, even if not in the traditional way. For ex., if you can afford it, you could do a foreign infant adoption. Or, you could probably adopt a small child past the baby stage through the foster care system.

Best wishes!

 

[lovedogs]

I am so deeply sorry for you. You are so strong for being there for your nephews and being in their lives despite the pain it causes you. I can't imagine how much it hurts and how difficult it is. You are a good and strong person. I can't say that I have experienced this because I haven't. I just wanted to write and provide my support and good wishes.

EDIT. I do not have children myself, but I am not in a place in my life where I want children of my own.

 

[jaysonsmom]

@violet3
I know this is probably hard to talk about, but have you considered becoming a mother in other ways, such as adoption or surrogacy? I personally know at least 5 families who completed their dreams of becoming parents through adoption. One family (caucasian) adopted 3 children from Korea, 2 families adopted their little girls from China, and 2 neighbors both single (career moms) adopted domestically, both of these moms were over 40 when they adopted!

I'm 46, and one of my classmates got married around 40 and was unable to carry a baby (I did not ask why), but she became a mother of twins at 42 through surrogacy. Even though I have not personally been through what you went through in your 30's, my best friend spent the first 10 years of marriage trying to have children (without success), so in a sense I can commiserate. She finally succeeded after several rounds of IVF, but it was difficult and heartbreaking.

The best way to not feel the sadness is to refocus your attention on something else, such as being the coolest best aunt! Also, I hope you know that life is not "perfect" for those of us that were able to conceive, or give birth, because having kids comes with its own set of challenges, such as rebellious teens (which I have now) who hate everything about their parents.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I think your feelings of sadness are to be expected when your sibling has a new baby. And it does NOT mean you are a bad sister or aunt.
Not being able to have children is something that you didn't choose, so every time someone has a baby it is reminding you of a life choice that you did NOT get to make, and the sadness that you felt in your 30's. The choice was out of your hands and that's a pretty crap roll of the dice for you.
I am glad you talk to a counselor about it and I hope someone who has been in your shoes weighs in.
I sincerely hope that as time goes on this is less painful and that each time there is a new baby the sadness passes a little more quickly.

 

[violet3]

@violet, I am a mother but I think it is perfectly understandable that a sibling having a child brings up your own sadness about it. It certainly doesn't mean you'd want to take his happiness away from him.

Also, I'm sure you've thought of this but at the same time it might help to remember that you likely CAN be a parent too if you really want to be, even if not in the traditional way. For ex., if you can afford it, you could do a foreign infant adoption. Or, you could probably adopt a small child past the baby stage through the foster care system.

Best wishes!

This is helpful @seaurchin - thank you! My husband seemed reluctant on adopting, but after the birth of this new nephew and my sadness, he said that we could if I wanted to. Thank you so much about the kind words regarding my brother's new baby - I am really trying to get my head around my feelings on this. I feel guilty, but I am just SO sad.

I am so deeply sorry for you. You are so strong for being there for your nephews and being in their lives despite the pain it causes you. I can't imagine how much it hurts and how difficult it is. You are a good and strong person. I can't say that I have experienced this because I haven't. I just wanted to write and provide my support and good wishes.

EDIT. I do not have children myself, but I am not in a place in my life where I want children of my own.

Thank you @lovedogs - I love my nephews so much - they are a constant source of light, love, and laughter in my life. You and I have a love of dogs in common. I actually JUST saw the thread about your dog, and her/his illness. I am SO sorry! I have a chronically ill dog myself, and it wears on your mental spirit. I'm sending prayers for you both across the miles - I LOVE doodles - they have the most gentle demeanors ever. Prayers for your sweet baby.

@violet3
I know this is probably hard to talk about, but have you considered becoming a mother in other ways, such as adoption or surrogacy? I personally know at least 5 families who completed their dreams of becoming parents through adoption. One family (caucasian) adopted 3 children from Korea, 2 families adopted their little girls from China, and 2 neighbors both single (career moms) adopted domestically, both of these moms were over 40 when they adopted!

I'm 46, and one of my classmates got married around 40 and was unable to carry a baby (I did not ask why), but she became a mother of twins at 42 through surrogacy. Even though I have not personally been through what you went through in your 30's, my best friend spent the first 10 years of marriage trying to have children (without success), so in a sense I can commiserate. She finally succeeded after several rounds of IVF, but it was difficult and heartbreaking.

The best way to not feel the sadness is to refocus your attention on something else, such as being the coolest best aunt! Also, I hope you know that life is not "perfect" for those of us that were able to conceive, or give birth, because having kids comes with its own set of challenges, such as rebellious teens (which I have now) who hate everything about their parents.

@jaysonsmom - thank you for your kind words. I have considered those options, and I'm not opposed to either. Honestly, surrogacy is out of our price range, but I think adoption is an option for us, depending on how we do it. We were financially under water for such a long time, and just really came out of that a year ago. I work in real estate, and got caught in the market crash in my early 30s - I had invested in property and that didn't work out so well. Now that we actually have some disposable income, we're exploring our options.....but honestly, at this point, there are so many days that I just feel too old to start this process.

I do love being an aunt, and I strive to be the best one around. My nephews have regular sleepovers at my house to give their parents a break. Also, my one nephew is the most difficult child I've ever met, so I certainly know that life isn't always better on the other side - really good to be reminded of this at times, however, so thank you for taking the time to point that out.

 

[violet3]

I think your feelings of sadness are to be expected when your sibling has a new baby. And it does NOT mean you are a bad sister or aunt.
Not being able to have children is something that you didn't choose, so every time someone has a baby it is reminding you of a life choice that you did NOT get to make, and the sadness that you felt in your 30's. The choice was out of your hands and that's a pretty crap roll of the dice for you.
I am glad you talk to a counselor about it and I hope someone who has been in your shoes weighs in.
I sincerely hope that as time goes on this is less painful and that each time there is a new baby the sadness passes a little more quickly.

Thank you so much @Elizabeth35

 

[cmd2014]

I'm in your boat. I'm 47 now and some days it's fine, and some days I'm still sad. I worry about getting older too. We did IVF and tried to adopt, but adopting is not as easy as it used to be. When my sister adopted (because she wanted to, not because she had to), the wait for a baby from China was 10 months. They were able to do it twice. When we tried, the wait list had ballooned to 8 years and we aged out. There are also stricter rules about adopting in some places than others, so it's more challenging than it seemed from the outside looking in. Surrogacy is not allowed here unless you know someone who is willing (we don't have egg donation or paid surrogates, so unless a sister or a friend is willing, it's pretty hard).

I try to take joy in being a great aunt. I try to stay connected to community. But you also get shut out when all your friends have children and you don't. It's not intentional, it's just reality.

 

[violet3]

I'm in your boat. I'm 47 now and some days it's fine, and some days I'm still sad. I worry about getting older too. We did IVF and tried to adopt, but adopting is not as easy as it used to be. When my sister adopted (because she wanted to, not because she had to), the wait for a baby from China was 10 months. They were able to do it twice. When we tried, the wait list had ballooned to 8 years and we aged out. There are also stricter rules about adopting in some places than others, so it's more challenging than it seemed from the outside looking in. Surrogacy is not allowed here unless you know someone who is willing (we don't have egg donation or paid surrogates, so unless a sister or a friend is willing, it's pretty hard).

I try to take joy in being a great aunt. I try to stay connected to community. But you also get shut out when all your friends have children and you don't. It's not intentional, it's just reality.

Yes, this. All of it. Thank you for writing @cmd2014! It helps to know I'm not alone, and I worry about getting older also. I feel particularly paralleled to the end paragraph - it's very lonely. Is there something that you decided to do differently once this started happening? Should I jump ship and look for new friends? Was there anything you were able to do that made it less painful?

I am very sorry that we share this situation, and I'm very grateful that you responded to my thread. (((HUGS)))

 

[telephone89]

I don't have children, but I'm definitely not unhappy about it because I've never wanted them. I want to send you all the hugs. It's shitty to feel like you aren't in control of your life. IMO infertility is a disease, and is just as devastating as many others, but isn't treated with nearly the same respect.

You mention adopting, but have you looked into the foster system? It's much easier to get into as many people face challenges trying to adopt. Volunteering is also a wonderful way to feel involved.

Perhaps you can search out some new child-free friends? You certainly don't have to dump your old friends, but it might be nice to meet up with other folks who are in the same life situation.

 

[Laila619]

I just wanted to send you hugs.

 

[PintoBean]

I tell myself that not pushing a watermelon out of a lemon means my lemon didnt turn into a grenade.

 

[Ally T]

Big hugs to you, sweetheart.

 

[AGBF]

Hi, violet3-

I do not have any advice. I am just going to tell you my story.

I felt I couldn't live without being a mother. When I did not become pregnant despite fertility treatments, I urged my husband to adopt. He was initially extremely reluctant. When he saw our daughter, who was only seven weeks old when we first saw her (in Colombia), he said she "melted" him. My daughter was a joy throughout her childhood, a peach of a child. She was very musical, playing the piano when she was very little, then two band instruments and one orchestra instrument in elementary school. In sixth grade she came home from school and went right to her room to do her homework. She spent two hours on it and was able to concentrate. She got all A's except for a C+ in an honors math class because she had tested out of sixth grade math and been put into pre-algebra. But that year she started to show some strange symptoms. I later found out that the reason she was doing her homework so diligently was that she was letting all the other kids copy her homework and they got angry if she ever made a mistake! She was physically beautiful but socially awkward. She was paying boys $1 to open her locker. I won't go into everything from there, but we moved from Connecticut to Virginia that year. At first I thought her social problems at school and fear of it just stemmed from her age, but I took her to a psychiatrist I trusted (hauling her all the way to Connecticut at age 12 to see someone I trusted). He felt she was somewhat depressed, but didn't push pills on her. By the time she was 15 she made a very serious suicide attempt and had her first (of many) psychiatric hospitalizations in Washington Children's Hospital.

To make the story a bit shorter, she is going to be 27 in August and cannot work. She has no friends. She has gone back to sleeping in my bed at night due to acute separation anxiety. She is on a million medications and is compliant with them. I have her on a waiting list for halfway house. She has only had one job, a job that lasted about a month and was very part-time, at Walgreen's, in her life. In her teens she was violent to me until I had her arrested for every episode.

She often finds it hard to have empathy for anyone. She also, now, finds it hard to focus because her illness has affected her executive function and her intellect. When she was in high school I used to have to read some of her literature to her. But I remember the little girl to whom I read stories. When I read her the story of the little skunk who smelled and, therefore, didn't have any friends, she cried. She was so small, but the tears rolled down her cheeks for the poor skunk. She had empathy then. Everyone else may find her hateful now, but as her mother I remember her when she was a kind, good little girl.

My best friend, who has a biological bi-polar son three years my daughter's senior, was talking to me yesterday. We both talked about whether we would want to have/adopt our children again. Our lives have been torn to pieces, our marriages and finances adversely affected by having them. On the other hand, had we not had them, would we always have wondered what we were missing by not being mothers. My friend's story is every bit as harrowing as mine. Her son' s symptoms developed earlier in life, when he was still a child, not during adolescence. We often think it is incredibly strange that she could have a biological child and I could adopt one and they could both end up being bi-polar.

It is impossible to know how things would be if one took another road.

I wish you good luck!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[violet3]

Hi, violet3-

I do not have any advice. I am just going to tell you my story.

I felt I couldn't live without being a mother. When I did not become pregnant despite fertility treatments, I urged my husband to adopt. He was initially extremely reluctant. When he saw our daughter, who was only seven weeks old when we first saw her (in Colombia), he said she "melted" him. My daughter was a joy throughout her childhood, a peach of a child. She was very musical, playing the piano when she was very little, then two band instruments and one orchestra instrument in elementary school. In sixth grade she came home from school and went right to her room to do her homework. She spent two hours on it and was able to concentrate. She got all A's except for a C+ in an honors math class because she had tested out of sixth grade math and been put into pre-algebra. But that year she started to show some strange symptoms. I later found out that the reason she was doing her homework so diligently was that she was letting all the other kids copy her homework and they got angry if she ever made a mistake! She was physically beautiful but socially awkward. She was paying boys $1 to open her locker. I won't go into everything from there, but we moved from Connecticut to Virginia that year. At first I thought her social problems at school and fear of it just stemmed from her age, but I took her to a psychiatrist I trusted (hauling her all the way to Connecticut at age 12 to see someone I trusted). He felt she was somewhat depressed, but didn't push pills on her. By the time she was 15 she made a very serious suicide attempt and had her first (of many) psychiatric hospitalizations in Washington Children's Hospital.

To make the story a bit shorter, she is going to be 27 in August and cannot work. She has no friends. She has gone back to sleeping in my bed at night due to acute separation anxiety. She is on a million medications and is compliant with them. I have her on a waiting list for halfway house. She has only had one job, a job that lasted about a month and was very part-time, at Walgreen's, in her life. In her teens she was violent to me until I had her arrested for every episode.

She often finds it hard to have empathy for anyone. She also, now, finds it hard to focus because her illness has affected her executive function and her intellect. When she was in high school I used to have to read some of her literature to her. But I remember the little girl to whom I read stories. When I read her the story of the little skunk who smelled and, therefore, didn't have any friends, she cried. She was so small, but the tears rolled down her cheeks for the poor skunk. She had empathy then. Everyone else may find her hateful now, but as her mother I remember her when she was a kind, good little girl.

My best friend, who has a biological bi-polar son three years my daughter's senior, was talking to me yesterday. We both talked about whether we would want to have/adopt our children again. Our lives have been torn to pieces, our marriages and finances adversely affected by having them. On the other hand, had we not had them, would we always have wondered what we were missing by not being mothers. My friend's story is every bit as harrowing as mine. Her son' s symptoms developed earlier in life, when he was still a child, not during adolescence. We often think it is incredibly strange that she could have a biological child and I could adopt one and they could both end up being bi-polar.

It is impossible to know how things would be if one took another road.

I wish you good luck!

Hugs,
Deb

Thank you for sharing this story Deb; it couldn't have been easy to tell. My sister's oldest child is the most difficult child I've ever known, and I've been around a LOT of children. I know that she faces fears every day that he is truly mentally unwell, and I've lived through these fears with her for his 9 years of life, so I can sympathize deeply with your emotions. I'm so sorry that your daughter struggles so much in this world, but she sure is lucky that she has a wonderful mother who sticks by her. Hugs to you also.

 

[MamaBee]

Hi, violet3-

I do not have any advice. I am just going to tell you my story.

I felt I couldn't live without being a mother. When I did not become pregnant despite fertility treatments, I urged my husband to adopt. He was initially extremely reluctant. When he saw our daughter, who was only seven weeks old when we first saw her (in Colombia), he said she "melted" him. My daughter was a joy throughout her childhood, a peach of a child. She was very musical, playing the piano when she was very little, then two band instruments and one orchestra instrument in elementary school. In sixth grade she came home from school and went right to her room to do her homework. She spent two hours on it and was able to concentrate. She got all A's except for a C+ in an honors math class because she had tested out of sixth grade math and been put into pre-algebra. But that year she started to show some strange symptoms. I later found out that the reason she was doing her homework so diligently was that she was letting all the other kids copy her homework and they got angry if she ever made a mistake! She was physically beautiful but socially awkward. She was paying boys $1 to open her locker. I won't go into everything from there, but we moved from Connecticut to Virginia that year. At first I thought her social problems at school and fear of it just stemmed from her age, but I took her to a psychiatrist I trusted (hauling her all the way to Connecticut at age 12 to see someone I trusted). He felt she was somewhat depressed, but didn't push pills on her. By the time she was 15 she made a very serious suicide attempt and had her first (of many) psychiatric hospitalizations in Washington Children's Hospital.

To make the story a bit shorter, she is going to be 27 in August and cannot work. She has no friends. She has gone back to sleeping in my bed at night due to acute separation anxiety. She is on a million medications and is compliant with them. I have her on a waiting list for halfway house. She has only had one job, a job that lasted about a month and was very part-time, at Walgreen's, in her life. In her teens she was violent to me until I had her arrested for every episode.

She often finds it hard to have empathy for anyone. She also, now, finds it hard to focus because her illness has affected her executive function and her intellect. When she was in high school I used to have to read some of her literature to her. But I remember the little girl to whom I read stories. When I read her the story of the little skunk who smelled and, therefore, didn't have any friends, she cried. She was so small, but the tears rolled down her cheeks for the poor skunk. She had empathy then. Everyone else may find her hateful now, but as her mother I remember her when she was a kind, good little girl.

My best friend, who has a biological bi-polar son three years my daughter's senior, was talking to me yesterday. We both talked about whether we would want to have/adopt our children again. Our lives have been torn to pieces, our marriages and finances adversely affected by having them. On the other hand, had we not had them, would we always have wondered what we were missing by not being mothers. My friend's story is every bit as harrowing as mine. Her son' s symptoms developed earlier in life, when he was still a child, not during adolescence. We often think it is incredibly strange that she could have a biological child and I could adopt one and they could both end up being bi-polar.

It is impossible to know how things would be if one took another road.

I wish you good luck!

Hugs,
Deb

Hugs to you Deb..

 

[Bron357]

I was 40 when I had my one and only but I can relate to your pain regarding everyone else around you having babies.
It hurts, it hurts more than anyone who hasn’t felt this pain can imagine. I didn’t think I’d be having a baby for a long long time but by some miracle I did.
That said, having a child wasn’t as I expected. It’s a lot harder and a huge responsibility and you’re only a custodian until the are old enough to start doing their own thing. For some people that’s hard to take, for others with high need children, the responsibility never ends and that’s even harder.
Am I a better person, a more fulfilled person, a happier person for having a child? No, I think I have learnt more about myself (and it wasn’t all good) and while I wouldn’t “wish away my daughter in a million years” I can see that if I hadn’t had her I would still have been alright. I still would have had purpose and meaning and plenty of joy in my life.
Life isn’t fair, it can be downright @@@@@@ and it hurts. Whether you can separate the need to “mother” your own flesh and blood or “mother” a foster child or an adopted child, only you can decide that. Mothering btw is not exclusively for “flesh and blood”, I’ve know plenty of families who compromise both and they assure me the feelings inside them are exactly the same. If the need to mother is calling you very strongly, do consider fostering or adoption just don’t think you are less than a woman, or a human being just because you haven’t had a child.
Sending hugs.

 

[violet3]

I was 40 when I had my one and only but I can relate to your pain regarding everyone else around you having babies.
It hurts, it hurts more than anyone who hasn’t felt this pain can imagine. I didn’t think I’d be having a baby for a long long time but by some miracle I did.
That said, having a child wasn’t as I expected. It’s a lot harder and a huge responsibility and you’re only a custodian until the are old enough to start doing their own thing. For some people that’s hard to take, for others with high need children, the responsibility never ends and that’s even harder.
Am I a better person, a more fulfilled person, a happier person for having a child? No, I think I have learnt more about myself (and it wasn’t all good) and while I wouldn’t “wish away my daughter in a million years” I can see that if I hadn’t had her I would still have been alright. I still would have had purpose and meaning and plenty of joy in my life.
Life isn’t fair, it can be downright @@@@@@ and it hurts. Whether you can separate the need to “mother” your own flesh and blood or “mother” a foster child or an adopted child, only you can decide that. Mothering btw is not exclusively for “flesh and blood”, I’ve know plenty of families who compromise both and they assure me the feelings inside them are exactly the same. If the need to mother is calling you very strongly, do consider fostering or adoption just don’t think you are less than a woman, or a human being just because you haven’t had a child.
Sending hugs.

Thank you for this honest reply. I have an adopted brother so I have no problem with a child that is biologically not my own. We just never were financially stable enough to adopt - it’s pretty expensive, no matter how you choose to do it. Now that we could afford to, I’m afraid I feel too old to begin the journey (some days).

Thank you for your sympathy and for the honest explanation of what parenting means to you at 40. I think the struggle I have is feeling fulfilled or having a purpose in this life if I’m not going to be a parent. I teach freshmen and sophomores in college, so I think my job is fulfilling, but sometimes when I get home and it’s just me and the dogs....It’s just a mental struggle.

 

[PintoBean]

I can relate. My husband had a twin. His wife was very baby obsessed. When the baby came, she even referred to him as the golden ticket, and boasted about how her parents were so obsessed with him.

When we went to see her after she had the second one, she was sitting to my right, talking to her cousin, and going on and on about how shes always wanted to be a mother, unlike other people. When she said unlike other people, her left hand popped up, and gestured towards me. When we left, I burst into tears in the car.

Then...My husband died when i turned 38. I'm 40 now, and i feel like I've been robbed of time...the time to decide if I want to have children.

I AM proud of the fact that most PSers that know me IRL are quick to vouch that I'm a good cat mama. My cats even arranged for @tyty333 to go to a store and get me a mother's day card, which is on my fridge, held up by cat butt magnets courtesy of that doll Vera.

 

[violet3]

I can relate. My husband had a twin. His wife was very baby obsessed. When the baby came, she even referred to him as the golden ticket, and boasted about how her parents were so obsessed with him.

When we went to see her after she had the second one, she was sitting to my right, talking to her cousin, and going on and on about how shes always wanted to be a mother, unlike other people. When she said unlike other people, her left hand popped up, and gestured towards me. When we left, I burst into tears in the car.

Then...My husband died when i turned 38. I'm 40 now, and i feel like I've been robbed of time...the time to decide if I want to have children.

I AM proud of the fact that most PSers that know me IRL are quick to vouch that I'm a good cat mama. My cats even arranged for @tyty333 to go to a store and get me a mother's day card, which is on my fridge, held up by cat butt magnets courtesy of that doll Vera.

Thank you so much for weighing in twice @PintoBean - when I saw that you commented the first time, I truly enjoyed the light heartedness of your post, but immediately felt badly for complaining about anything at all, because I know what you have endured by losing your husband. I am SO incredibly sorry for your loss.

My husband's family has made similar remarks. I was at a family birthday recently, and my husband's aunt was talking to my mother in law about the youngest sibling's upcoming wedding. She actually said, right in front of my face, "I think this one actually wants kids." I have never discussed my infertility with my in laws, but it was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said in my presence. It crushed me emotionally.

I wish I could take away your pain, and again, I'm TRULY very sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to share your feelings on this topic with me

 

[Gussie]

Hugs and prayers for you @violet3. I am so sorry that you have this pain in your life.

 

[PintoBean]

Thank you for your caring words. If I could take everyone's pain and siphon it away, I would. Nothing bothers me more than when others are upset.

Now the next time your MIL pulls that, interrupt her and ask her,
Q: do you know how pink lemonade is made?
A: by pushing a watermelon out of a lemon!

Then quickly exit...

 

[nala]

Thank you for this honest reply. I have an adopted brother so I have no problem with a child that is biologically not my own. We just never were financially stable enough to adopt - it’s pretty expensive, no matter how you choose to do it. Now that we could afford to, I’m afraid I feel too old to begin the journey (some days).

Thank you for your sympathy and for the honest explanation of what parenting means to you at 40. I think the struggle I have is feeling fulfilled or having a purpose in this life if I’m not going to be a parent. I teach freshmen and sophomores in college, so I think my job is fulfilling, but sometimes when I get home and it’s just me and the dogs....It’s just a mental struggle.

So first I want to send hugs. Your last line really resonates with me bc i am an empty nester. My DD is 20 and moved out her freshmen year. She is thriving and I am so happy for her, but She lives 6 hours from me and comes home only for holidays. This summer she is going to intern in a different state, so no more summers with her. Very likely she will make her own path and never come home again. So like you, I come home to hubby and our dog and I feel it’s a struggle. Having lived 17 years for another person, only amplifies the new emptiness. The nostalgia is a struggle. So you are not alone. Having kids is no guarantee that you will feel any certain way forever. And I say this as a mom who feels very close to her DD, but also as a woman who herself loved independence and can appreciate and respect that in her.

As to your friend situation,
I was 42 when most of my friends were just starting to raise their children. I’ve lost friends too. Most told me they were jealous of my newfound freedom, lol. It didn’t hurt any less.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Hugs to you @violet3. I just wanted to share that my parents had three kids, I am the only girl and have two much older brothers. My mom passed away when she was 47 and my father remarried later on. Anyways at the end of his life not one of his children spoke to him for a multitude of reasons, but he still had his wife so he wasn't alone completely. Still I'm sure he thought that having three kids gave some sense of security of not being alone in his old age.

I would definitely recommend expanding the friend circle to include women without children, being childless doesn't have to be lonely.

 

[violet3]

So first I want to send hugs. Your last line really resonates with me bc i am an empty nester. My DD is 20 and moved out her freshmen year. She is thriving and I am so happy for her, but She lives 6 hours from me and comes home only for holidays. This summer she is going to intern in a different state, so no more summers with her. Very likely she will make her own path and never come home again. So like you, I come home to hubby and our dog and I feel it’s a struggle. Having lived 17 years for another person, only amplifies the new emptiness. The nostalgia is a struggle. So you are not alone. Having kids is no guarantee that you will feel any certain way forever. And I say this as a mom who feels very close to her DD, but also as a woman who herself loved independence and can appreciate and respect that in her.

As to your friend situation,
I was 42 when most of my friends were just starting to raise their children. I’ve lost friends too. Most told me they were jealous of my newfound freedom, lol. It didn’t hurt any less.

Thank you @nala. This is honestly really helpful - I guess growing up is just hard, no matter how it happens - there's always something on the opposite side that looks more attractive. I teach college students, and I often think life would be perfect if we could all just stay that age forever - everyone is basically in the same boat, before life throws the big, major curveballs at you. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[violet3]

Hugs to you @violet3. I just wanted to share that my parents had three kids, I am the only girl and have two much older brothers. My mom passed away when she was 47 and my father remarried later on. Anyways at the end of his life not one of his children spoke to him for a multitude of reasons, but he still had his wife so he wasn't alone completely. Still I'm sure he thought that having three kids gave some sense of security of not being alone in his old age.

I would definitely recommend expanding the friend circle to include women without children, being childless doesn't have to be lonely.

Appreciate this very much - sorry about your mom AND about your dad, and I know you've had your share of struggles lately. I'm still saying prayers for your DH's family and for you.

On the bolded part above...I've tried to do this over the last 4 years, but it's just a bit hard...almost everyone I know has children. Finding the other childless people seems really challenging, and I guess I'm not really sure how to do it.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@violet3, I know the making friends thing is easier said than done, I struggle with making friends and meeting people despite having kids, you think it would be easier having common ground.

Thank you for your well wishes, it has been a challenging year but we are getting through it as best we can.

 

[AGBF]

Everyone is different. As I read the comments of other Pricescopers and they describe their friends, I hear stories that echo those of so many people I have known. Many of the people who have wanted children and, for one reason or another, found the road to having them, difficult, have reacted totally differently from the way I have. The friend I have with the bi-polar son was in a 16 year relationship with a man who was infertile and to whom she was not married. At age 38 she decided to give artificial insemination a try and got pregnant on the first try. But another friend, almost as close (the one who my maid-of-honor at my wedding) was (and is) married. Her husband is infertile. She is one of five children. All her sisters (3) and her brother have children. She wanted a child with her husband desperately, but when she couldn't get pregnant with him had no desire at all for a child any other way. She really had no maternal instinct, no need to mother. She has never had a pet or even plants. She has a pristine home. But she never told her family that she was not childless by choice and they have never known she and her husband had a fertility problem. Sometimes they have said things that cut her to the quick because she so badly wanted a baby with her husband and couldn't have one and her family assumed she didn't want children.

While I was adopting I joined a support group for people attempting to adopt. (It is a difficult process.) The group I joined was The Latin American Parents Association because all of us were adopting from Latin America. There I met a lot of women who were in the fertility support group, Resolve. Some got pregnant while adopting and dropped out. Some got pregnant and adopted the baby from Latin America as well. Most of us did not get pregnant. Age is not a problem unless you feel too old. Neither is being single. I was married, but 41 when my daughter came home.

 

[cmd2014]

Yes, this. All of it. Thank you for writing @cmd2014! It helps to know I'm not alone, and I worry about getting older also. I feel particularly paralleled to the end paragraph - it's very lonely. Is there something that you decided to do differently once this started happening? Should I jump ship and look for new friends? Was there anything you were able to do that made it less painful?

I am very sorry that we share this situation, and I'm very grateful that you responded to my thread. (((HUGS)))

We had a lot of lonely years. We found people whose children were grown and gone, we had lunch with people who would do lunch but not dinner or weekends, we found those who didn’t have children. Some friends came back after their kids got old enough to be home alone. Some didn’t. We let go of a lot of relationships and tried not to take it personally when friends preferred play dates with other parents over spending time with us. But we spend a lot of time by ourselves too. It’s easier now that people’s kids are older. The 30’s were the hardest. And yes, people assume a lot of things (we have had a lot of remarks thrown our way with assumptions that we didn’t want kids, or that we waited too long (and my eggs got old), or that we don’t like kids because we didn’t “choose” to adopt (when the truth is we spent thousands of dollars and jumped through hoops and waited years and never got close to being offered a child - and then we were too old because most programs age you out once you turn 45 - we spent 10 years on the wait list). It’s hurtful and none of it is true. But there’s also happiness and meaning and purpose in life, so there are paths forward to happiness. But there’s also a lot of loss. And people assume that adoption or surrogacy are easy or within financial reach. And if you elect to foster know that you will be dealing with a LOT of trauma (and those agencies often want “experienced” parents and stay at home parents due to the behavioral challenges that come with many of these kids), and loss when you have to give them back. It’s not the same as having your own child.