People who do not have children...

[violet3]

Hi Violet,

I don't have children. My marriage didn't work out and I was always somewhat on the fence about children. I'm of an age where it really isn't going to happen - had to really face that in the last couple of years - and personally, I've found some peace and relief in that. (I'm single and almost 45.)

To explain, I'm very aware of the upsides of having children. They're so cute, and you can see yourselves and your ancestors in them, perhaps, and they are very loving, especially when small.

However, for some reason I was always hyper-aware of the multiple ways that things can go very, very wrong.

I think the biggest question for people without kids is always, what will life be like if I outlive my spouse and siblings?

Yes, it's a scary thought. But, you know, having kids isn't any guarantee of company and comfort in old age. I have seen some truly breathtaking selfishness on the part of middle-aged adults toward their parents, and I know MANY people who barely seem to bother with their parents at all. My parents did a LOT for my brother, and he basically couldn't wait to leave home and then made it very clear for the rest of their lives that anything to do with them was a burden and a bother. He wanted to live his own life and basically had no time for them. Sadly, this is not unusual.

Kids can break your heart.

I know it probably doesn't help since you really want kids, but FWIW my silver linings are:

- An ability to save for my old age so I can take care of myself. (I took out longterm care insurance.)
- A home that's a refuge from outside stresses.
- Time to do all the things I want.
- Time to cultivate enriching relationships and pursuits: Good friends/playing an instrument/reading great books uninterrupted.
- A sense of control over my life. When you have kids, you don't have as much control over your life or how pleasant your home life is, because their behavior affects you so much. I'm not sure how I would have handled a grumpy teen who was getting in with a bad crowd, for example.

These things may not help you. I'm just listing them because they helped me, and who knows, perhaps sharing helps.

As for the social aspects, well, that's been very interesting.

I do find that people with families seem to value friendship less and are less interested in it. They tend to spend the vast majority of their evenings home with their families - they go right home after work, and that's that.

As for the remarks, oh yeah. Had tons of those. It's my contention that people know exactly what they're doing and that their horrible comments are designed to smoke you out. They want you to be indignant and say, "Actually, I couldn't have them!" or whatever, so they get to know why.

The child issue was a very painful one for me for a very long time. People are less vicious about it these days since we had some deaths in the family and since I've gotten older, but I've decided to respond to any enquiries by simply saying that it's a topic I don't talk about.

If I were you, if anyone throws remarks your way, I would question them. "Sorry, what did you say? I didn't hear. What do you mean?" etc. They won't do it again. People who make remarks are counting on you letting it slide.

I think you and I have discussed this briefly in other threads, so I had hoped you would chime in. Thank you for this response....you actually have given me a lot to think about. I had a brief period of relief after I turned 41 (don't ask me why that age was the one), that it was all over, and it wasn't going to happen for me. That seemed more peaceful than to keep trying and getting disappointed. I guess the birth of my brother's child just stirred it all back up again, which honestly sort of shocked me. Being the only one feels so lonely. And honestly, at this age, I'm scared to start the process anyway, but I still feel so profoundly sad these days.

I am really going to give some thought to the positives that you offer in your response. I am sorry that we share this experience, but I'm SO grateful that you took the time to reply. Thank you so much.

 

[AGBF]

missy is right that having a child is not what makes you have friends or not. I am now at the age where my friends, those who had children, have grandchildren. The friend who is geographically closest to me and therefore with whom I spend the most time made me the godmother to her second son. She did this because I was very close to her first son who was already one and a half years old when I met him. (My husband and I bought the condominium directly underneath hers and her elder son was hyperactive. He put her under a lot of stress. I adored him, although he was a heck of a lot more than a handful.)

My daughter wasn't born until I was 41. By then my friend's children were far too old to play with her. (My friend is my age and had her children in her 20's.) My daughter's mental illness destroyed my marriage, so I go to social functions alone and I do not take her to parties at friends' homes. So when I go to see this friend and children and grandchildren I go alone. But I am welcomed and loved, because, as missy said, my friend is a true friend.

The boys (now 37 and 43) call me "Aunt" as do their three sons (ages 14, 5, and 2). I bring a chocolate mousse cake for the birthday of my friend's sons every year and we exchange Christmas presents. I am never left out, but it is not because I have a child. I was never left out before I had a child...because my friend is a true friend.

I hope that all of you who are lonely for any reason (as I am, believe me) will find true friendship. I have. It is, in my opinion, very important in life. One 's children grow up. One may lose a spouse. One needs friends. True friends, that is. End of my speech, but I think missy often has the wisest words.

 

[violet3]

missy is right that having a child is not what makes you have friends or not. I am now at the age where my friends, those who had children, have grandchildren. The friend who is geographically closest to me and therefore with whom I spend the most time made me the godmother to her second son. She did this because I was very close to her first son who was already one and a half years old when I met him. (My husband and I bought the condominium directly underneath hers and her elder son was hyperactive. He put her under a lot of stress. I adored him, although he was a heck of a lot more than a handful.)

My daughter wasn't born until I was 41. By then my friend's children were far too old to play with her. (My friend is my age and had her children in her 20's.) My daughter's mental illness destroyed my marriage, so I go to social functions alone and I do not take her to parties at friends' homes. So when I go to see this friend and children and grandchildren I go alone. But I am welcomed and loved, because, as missy said, my friend is a true friend.

The boys (now 37 and 43) call me "Aunt" as do their three sons (ages 14, 5, and 2). I bring a chocolate mousse cake for the birthday of my friend's sons every year and we exchange Christmas presents. I am never left out, but it is not because I have a child. I was never left out before I had a child...because my friend is a true friend.

I hope that all of you who are lonely for any reason (as I am, believe me) will find true friendship. I have. It is, in my opinion, very important in life. One 's children grow up. One may lose a spouse. One needs friends. True friends, that is. End of my speech, but I think missy often has the wisest words.

She does. I agree. Thank you Deb, for sharing your story . I think what I struggle with is that my friends seemed like good friends, true friends really. But only when I did everything on their terms, because they had the children and I did not. I was literally watching everyone else live their lives, and helping them celebrate their lives, without living my own. I realized, with the help of my therapist, that I needed to start living for myself, and when I stopped twisting myself into a pretzel to fit into the other's lives, well they just cut me out essentially. Or maybe I overestimate my importance and they never even noticed I was gone. Either way, it felt really horrible. But I guess shows the true nature of the friendship - maybe it was never really what I thought it was anyway.

 

[Jambalaya]

You're welcome, Violet. I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

I think, once I'd truly accepted that I wasn't going to have children (and it still seems odd to me. Sometimes I think, "Am I really and truly not doing this? Wow....)

Anyway, once I'd accepted it, I found myself turning my face outward, for want of a better phrase. I felt that I valued other people more AND I found more pleasure in them. I enjoy people's little foibles and their ways. I enjoy getting to know the funny little aspects of others' personalities. I appreciate others more than I ever have.

I have no idea what it is about letting go of the idea of kids that seems to have made me love others more. I haven't even begun to unpack that yet. But anyway, that's been a nice silver lining for me.

ETA: I also TRULY believe that you can have a life full of rewarding, fulfilling relationships with many, many people even though you don't have kids. You know how some people say you don't know love until you've had a child. I think there are many ways to love. In a way, not having kids frees you to have relationships you may not otherwise have.

Another two ways to cope are: The Big Sisters mentoring program - I haven't done it but have considered it - and volunteer work. When I retire I am definitely going to volunteer at a hospital, as well.

My point is that there are many people in the world who need mothering skills, including friends who are going through hard times, people who are sick in hospital and don't have many visitors, girls in the Big Sisters program...there are so many ways to give love and nurturing in this world. Oh, I know it's not the same, if you really want kids. I'm just saying that there's a lot of emotional satisfaction to be had, even if you're not a mother in the traditional sense. I think those that think parenthood is the ultimate in satisfaction and joy are a little short-sighted and perhaps lack some imagination.

 

[AGBF]

She does. I agree. Thank you Deb, for sharing your story . I think what I struggle with is that my friends seemed like good friends, true friends really. But only when I did everything on their terms, because they had the children and I did not. I was literally watching everyone else live their lives, and helping them celebrate their lives, without living my own. I realized, with the help of my therapist, that I needed to start living for myself, and when I stopped twisting myself into a pretzel to fit into the other's lives, well they just cut me out essentially. Or maybe I overestimate my importance and they never even noticed I was gone. Either way, it felt really horrible. But I guess shows the true nature of the friendship - maybe it was never really what I thought it was anyway.

You need a friend like my friend, Jo-Anne, who wants to get away from her kids and talk, talk, talk to her "girlfriends". Someone who wants to go out for a salad and to go shopping with you. Someone who wants to be on the phone to gab. I often dread answering the phone when it is Jo-Anne, because I can't get off! I wish you lots of friends who want you for yourself, violet!!!

Big hugs!!!!
(((violet)))
Deb

 

[cmd2014]

I'm going through this right now. Husband is 43 and I'm 38. There is a lot of hurt there but the worst part of all is the way our parents abandoned us for our siblings with kids....Not having children has made me realize how much I really mean to people I thought were close family and friends. Turns out, not much.

This has happened to us too. My parents will drive for hours to visit my sister and her kids several times each year, but won’t make any effort to visit us. If we want to be seen, the onus is on us to travel to them (and only when it is convenient and never when my sister is there because it’s too much work to have all of us at the same time). It’s essentially the same with DH’s family. We feel invisible in our family too.

 

[violet3]

This has happened to us too. My parents will drive for hours to visit my sister and her kids several times each year, but won’t make any effort to visit us. If we want to be seen, the onus is on us to travel to them (and only when it is convenient and never when my sister is there because it’s too much work to have all of us at the same time). It’s essentially the same with DH’s family. We feel invisible in our family too.

SO sorry. It's the worst part. Feeling as if you're not a real human being, or lesser of one, because you couldn't have kids. HUGS.

 

[Jambalaya]

This has happened to us too. My parents will drive for hours to visit my sister and her kids several times each year, but won’t make any effort to visit us. If we want to be seen, the onus is on us to travel to them (and only when it is convenient and never when my sister is there because it’s too much work to have all of us at the same time). It’s essentially the same with DH’s family. We feel invisible in our family too.

Same here. When still alive, my parents let slip that they had given my siblings a lot of money over the years because they had kids. I know it was for the kids. I still wish they hadn't told me that, though.

By family members I was called immature, selfish - the works. And they just ASSUMED they would know if I'd had miscarriages, so they decided that I must not want them and therefore deserved to be insulted, etc.

They allowed us absolutely NO privacy on the matter, and those years were some of the most hurtful of my life.

After I got married, I could not believe my parents' selfishness, and my MIL's. They literally started baying for grandchildren the moment we got engaged, and they just didn't care what we wanted or what we were going through. They were like figurative children beating a drum going "Waaaah! Where's my grandchild! Want grandchild NOW!" and they could not have cared less about what the pressure was doing to us. I'll never forget those years, and if I'd had a crystal ball I'd have run for the hills pre-marriage, it was that bad.

Ironically, their pressure made it much less likely that we'd have a child, because my husband was tone-deaf to the pressure and unable to understand why it upset me so much. He'd dismissively say, "Just ignore it!" instead of understanding why the lack of privacy was SO insulting to me, which would lead to us having arguments and sleeping in separate rooms. Great way to get grandkids!

 

[Jambalaya]

It's truly amazing to me what women who don't have children experience. It seems that every woman who doesn't have them has stories to tell about insults, pressure, nasty remarks, etc.

I would not DREAM of asking a married woman why she doesn't have children. It's the ultimate in disrespect. It's a matter between a married couple and is NONE of anyone else's business. The entire concept of some matters being between a husband and wife seems to have flown out of the window.

If a longtime-married woman doesn't have kids, it boils down to two broad possibilities: She either didn't want them or can't have them. If it's the former, you won't change her mind, and if it's the latter, you are adding to her pain.

It is mind-boggling to me that partnered women (not just married - excuse me) are questioned about this very intimate, personal matter. People really seem to feel that they have some right to control women's bodies on this issue. Bringing up the topic is so obviously bad manners that I think people must do it as a way of getting at someone.

 

[cmd2014]

Same here. When still alive, my parents let slip that they had given my siblings a lot of money over the years because they had kids. I know it was for the kids. I still wish they hadn't told me that, though.

By family members I was called immature, selfish - the works. And they just ASSUMED they would know if I'd had miscarriages, so they decided that I must not want them and therefore deserved to be insulted, etc.

They allowed us absolutely NO privacy on the matter, and those years were some of the most hurtful of my life.

After I got married, I could not believe my parents' selfishness, and my MIL's. They literally started baying for grandchildren the moment we got engaged, and they just didn't care what we wanted or what we were going through. They were like figurative children beating a drum going "Waaaah! Where's my grandchild! Want grandchild NOW!" and they could not have cared less about what the pressure was doing to us. I'll never forget those years, and if I'd had a crystal ball I'd have run for the hills pre-marriage, it was that bad.

Ironically, their pressure made it much less likely that we'd have a child, because my husband was tone-deaf to the pressure and unable to understand why it upset me so much. He'd dismissively say, "Just ignore it!" instead of understanding why the lack of privacy was SO insulting to me, which would lead to us having arguments and sleeping in separate rooms. Great way to get grandkids!

This was my in-laws. Every family dinner my FIL would start in on me. The family wants to know when to expect a baby. You need to get started now. You can’t get too focused on being a career woman. Your eggs are going to get old. I would sit there trying not to cry in front of the whole family who assumed that I just didn’t want kids because I have a professional job. DH refused to confront the issue and let them know what we were going through (despite my asking him repeatedly to do so, since it was something he knew before we got married) and it wasn’t until my hysterectomy (which I announced loudly at a family dinner) that they stopped. They’re not bad people. I honestly believe that they’d have been more sensitive if they had known.

You’re right though. It’s not all bad. Today I’m rewatching Game of Thrones in my housecoat. I have freedom my friends with kids don’t have. It’s also easier as you get older. But it’s a hard road to get there.

 

[Jambalaya]

cmd, that sounds just awful. I'm so sorry you've been through so much.

 

[Arkteia]

Not ready to tell my story yet. It is not unlike that of AGBF’s, only I have two bio kids. I merely wanted to send hugs, and support. I wish you find the right path for yourself, and your husband, and I sincerely hope your destiny helps you satisfy your wish.

 

[violet3]

@Jambalaya & @cmd2014, while my heart hurts for you both reading these posts, I am relieved somewhat to not be the only one. My husband doesn't discuss our situation with his parents either, so they assumed I'm sure, that we didn't want kids. I was at a family get together, and my husbands youngest brother was about to be married soon after. My husband's aunt leaned over to my MIL, in front of my face, and said "I think this one actually wants kids" (referring to the new wife to be). I almost threw up.

There are 3 boys in the family, and we are the oldest pair of the 3, but the funniest part is that the middle brother's wife has been unable to get pregnant also! Those jerks just assume that neither of us couples wanted to have kids, so the youngest brother's wife is their last shot at a grandchild. I don't blame either brother for not discussing it with them, because they're judgmental, and not very compassionate human beings. Still stings like a bitch though when it happens.

 

[Jambalaya]

What a nasty remark, Violet. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

In my case, it didn't stop until various family members got sick and died, and people had more pressing things to think about.

Yes, people actually had to die before it stopped.

 

[violet3]

Not ready to tell my story yet. It is not unlike that of AGBF’s, only I have two bio kids. I merely wanted to send hugs, and support. I wish you find the right path for yourself, and your husband, and I sincerely hope your destiny helps you satisfy your wish.

Thank you very much, and hugs to you also. My sister has a young bio-child, age 9, who is by far and away the most challenging child I've ever met. I don't envy her situation any more than my own, and I have her kids a lot for overnights and weekends. I've lived through the stress of it all with her, and the constant worry of how he will turn out as an adult. Sending you hugs and support also.

 

[violet3]

What a nasty remark, Violet. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

In my case, it didn't stop until various family members got sick and died, and people had more pressing things to think about.

Yes, people actually had to die before it stopped.

I'm so sorry, but I did laugh out loud at that.

 

[cmd2014]

I'm so sorry, but I did laugh out loud at that.

Me too. In one of my lesser moments, I have to admit that I fantasized about pushing various family members off the balcony into a gorge...but I’m not sure even that would have been enough to make it stop! It would have been “Oh no, papa’s in the gorge....but when are you gonna give us grand babies!?!” I just know it!

I’m sorry you’ve been subjected to it too, Violet. It sucks. And why do people always assume that it’s the woman who doesn’t want kids? (Us uppity things, us). Is it simply not possible that their precious boys don’t want them?!?

Honestly, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have wanted to murder DH had we had children. He means well, but watching him with the nieces/nephews has made me a teeny bit grateful that I’m not trying to teach him how to be a dad. He’s that awkward. I kid you not. The kiddos all love him, but the burden of knowing what the f*ck you’re doing would have clearly fallen on me. And he’s not that trainable. It’s taken me a decade to teach him how to be helpful around the house. Again, he tries, but it’s not always pretty.

 

[Austina]

It never ceases to amaze me the insensitive and downright rude things people say. I don’t think anyone ever asked DH why we ‘only’ had 1 child.

I can certainly relate to the grandchildren comments, why do people assume you only marry in order to have children? We didn’t tell anyone about our problems conceiving, I eventually told MIL I had no intention of spending my life as a brood mare.

I don’t ask my son and future DIL about their plans, because frankly, it’s none of my business. Their lives, their choice.

 

[missy]

hy do people assume you only marry in order to have children?

OMG yes Austina. My future SIL (Greg's brother's wife) asked us when we got engaged why do we have to get married since we do not plan on having children. Like you can only be a married family if you have children.

Pathetic. But truth be told she is a miserable individual so it did not surprise me. And she had a huge crush on Greg so of course she didn't want to see him marry anyone let alone me.

But that is a story for another day.

 

[cmd2014]

OMG yes Austina. My future SIL (Greg's brother's wife) asked us when we got engaged why do we have to get married since we do not plan on having children. Like you can only be a married family if you have children.

Pathetic. But truth be told she is a miserable individual so it did not surprise me. And she had a huge crush on Greg so of course she didn't want to see him marry anyone let alone me.

But that is a story for another day.

Yikes! His poor brother! Was he her second choice? (And poor you! What a nasty remark to spoil your happiness!).

 

[AGBF]

I’m sorry you’ve been subjected to it too, Violet. It sucks. And why do people always assume that it’s the woman who doesn’t want kids? (Us uppity things, us). Is it simply not possible that their precious boys don’t want them?!?

I have a worse story than that! One of the women I mentioned in this thread, a friend whose husband was infertile and who didn't want any child other than a biological child with her husband, started out as many of us did with basic fertility testing when she didn't get pregnant "naturally". But her doctor, having the approach you describe above (it's simply not possible that a man has problems) did what she told me was "an ovulation test" on her first. I had already been through it all. She told me how painful it had been so I asked questions. It turned out her gynecologist had done an endometrial biopsy on her before even taking a specimen of her husband's semen! Talk about making assumptions that it is the woman's fault! Her husband had a zero sperm count and there was no way it could be ameliorated with surgery. It would have been totally painless to get a sample from him before subjecting her to any tests!, let alone one as invasive as an endometrial biopsy!

 

[AGBF]

I'm so sorry, but I did laugh out loud at that.

I laughed out loud at cmd's "papa's in the gorge"!

 

[Arkteia]

In general, this is the time when women have equal jobs, equal rights, and are not mens’ property. I did not change my last name (I am the last in line), and I think women have the right to own theirs. To view women as child-factories is wrong, but I understand that some are born with this strong maternal instinct. So I feel it is wrong to make everything about IVF/egg donation/surrogate parenthood/egg cryopreservation/adoption so expensive. It is all morally wrong.
This is something we should discuss, probably, in another thread. Parenthood should not be this costly.

 

[MamaBee]

It never ceases to amaze me the insensitive and downright rude things people say. I don’t think anyone ever asked DH why we ‘only’ had 1 child.

I can certainly relate to the grandchildren comments, why do people assume you only marry in order to have children? We didn’t tell anyone about our problems conceiving, I eventually told MIL I had no intention of spending my life as a brood mare.

I don’t ask my son and future DIL about their plans, because frankly, it’s none of my business. Their lives, their choice.

You are going to be a great mother-in-law @Austina..I agree..It’s their decision. I never asked mine..I don’t know why people stick their nose in people’s marriages. I wouldn’t ask a close friend either. You never know what someone’s reason is for not having children...This makes me angry that people think they can ask such a very personal question. Shame on them. I have an autistic son..and I have been asked when he was younger if I drank or did drugs during pregnancy. I would cry. Now that I’m older..I would have made them regret asking me...

 

[violet3]

To all of you, this last few hours of this thread have rally put me in a better mood. It is nice that people can come together, childless or not childless, and support each other. I appreciate the thought in every one of your posts, and wish we didn't have to commiserate.

Oh and yes, "Papa's in the gorge, but...." had me laughing as well @cmd2014

In general, this is the time when women have equal jobs, equal rights, and are not mens’ property. I did not change my last name (I am the last in line), and I think women have the right to own theirs. To view women as child-factories is wrong, but I understand that some are born with this strong maternal instinct. So I feel it is wrong to make everything about IVF/egg donation/surrogate parenthood/egg cryopreservation/adoption so expensive. It is all morally wrong.
This is something we should discuss, probably, in another thread. Parenthood should not be this costly.

And ditto this above. Every word.

 

[violet3]

I think my therapist would be happy I took a risk and posted this here. She had told me to try to find other women who could relate to this, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out where to do that. She suggested trying to find a support group, but I wasn't sure I was ready to do that either. After reading and responding to Missy's thread on hard things we've endured, I actually just got the idea to throw this out there to the PSers, figuring it could help to write it all down, even if no one responded. I am very, very glad I did.

P.S. Being a woman is a pain in the ass. I'm glad you all can relate.

P.P.S. I stopped by my favorite jewelry store on the way home from work, and tried on the prettiest jewelry (window shopping therapy). I did not purchase anything, but learned today that they have layaway.....uh oh.

 

[bludiva]

Thank you for sharing your story @vintageloves It's like you don't even really exist if you don't have the kids - you're just an afterthought, or not a "REAL" person.

I am sorry you are both going through this. I know that feeling of not being treated like a real or good enough or ok person by relatives and friends and it is so incredibly disheartening. There's no solace or comfort in this but at least they have shown you who they are and you can create your own community of family and friends accordingly. *hugs*

 

[bludiva]

It's truly amazing to me what women who don't have children experience. It seems that every woman who doesn't have them has stories to tell about insults, pressure, nasty remarks, etc.

I would not DREAM of asking a married woman why she doesn't have children. It's the ultimate in disrespect. It's a matter between a married couple and is NONE of anyone else's business. The entire concept of some matters being between a husband and wife seems to have flown out of the window.

If a longtime-married woman doesn't have kids, it boils down to two broad possibilities: She either didn't want them or can't have them. If it's the former, you won't change her mind, and if it's the latter, you are adding to her pain.

It is mind-boggling to me that partnered women (not just married - excuse me) are questioned about this very intimate, personal matter. People really seem to feel that they have some right to control women's bodies on this issue. Bringing up the topic is so obviously bad manners that I think people must do it as a way of getting at someone.

well a woman's reproduction is apparently considered everyone else's business...from people asking about your plans from procreation to stranger's touching pregnant women's bellies (!) to the abortion debate.

 

[AGBF]

I have a worse story than that! One of the women I mentioned in this thread, a friend whose husband was infertile and who didn't want any child other than a biological child with her husband, started out as many of us did with basic fertility testing when she didn't get pregnant "naturally". But her doctor, having the approach you describe above (it's simply not possible that a man has problems) did what she told me was "an ovulation test" on her first. I had already been through it all. She told me how painful it had been so I asked questions. It turned out her gynecologist had done an endometrial biopsy on her before even taking a specimen of her husband's semen! Talk about making assumptions that it is the woman's fault! Her husband had a zero sperm count and there was no way it could be ameliorated with surgery. It would have been totally painless to get a sample from him before subjecting her to any tests!, let alone one as invasive as an endometrial biopsy!

I may as well add my own story here. My husband, also, was not hot on having to give a semen sample. I was the one doing the initial routine fertility testing. Guess how we found out he had a problem with his sperm? When the doctor examined me for a post-coital vaginal mucous test! I assume these are still done, but I don't know what is done for fertility testing nowadays. back when i was trying to get pregnant we had to have sex and, within a very short time (15 minutes?) I had to get to my GYN so he could examine my cervical mucous. It's not exactly as easy as giving semen. It's a feet in the stirrups thing, although when one is in the throes of fertility testing that becomes as normal a position as sitting at one's kitchen table.

Stupid husband. Only when they found only two sperm and one of them dead did he agree to have his semen tested!

 

[GliderPoss]

I can relate this this too. We tried for around 5 years for a baby (several miscarriages) then husband announced he doesn't actually want kids after all. (I would have been cool with it if he was honest to start with!) Now I'm nearly 35 and we've split so I feel the chances of meeting someone new & having kids closer to 40 is very slim. I am unable to foster as I work full time and would never financially be able to adopt. I've come to peace with it but I DO feel very sad about it sometimes, especially as many of my friends are having their 2nd or 3rd child right now. I got off FB as I couldn't bear all the pregnancy/baby pics. I have 7 nieces & nephews and a godchild so I throw my energy into being the best aunt ever. I try to focus on the positives of this, the freedom to pursue my hobbies, to travel and the peace & quiet at home...