People too lazy to attend the wedding ceremony

[Mrs Mitchell]

My best friend''s husband did not attend our wedding - she came on her own and he joined us for the meal afterwards. Except he was late, so he joined us half way through the meal. I wasn''t a bit bridezilla, I was totally laid back about and have now pretty much forgotten all sorts of stuff that happened on the day, but that one really sticks in my mind. I thought it was incredibly rude.

Five years later, he did exactly the same at our daughter''s Christening. Didn''t turn up at the church (and this time, got my friend to tell me that he "wasn''t into the churchy thing" ) then turned up to drink gallons of champagne and eat the choicest things from the buffet table afterwards.

I thought he was uniquely ill mannered, but obviously his isn''t the only one.

 

[lulu]

I live about 2.5 hours away from most of my family and friends. Unless I am very close to the person I attend only the reception. Like most attendees I arrive with a gift (usually a very generous gift), and I must say that I object to being called a "freeloader". I''m often invited to weddings where I have never met the bride and groom. Why would they care if I''m at the service?

 

[monarch64]

Date: 4/4/2010 2:29:13 AM
Author: Smurfyimproved
There are always negative things you can focus on. Instead of being upset about this and complaining, why not focus on why people are there in the first place? To me, I don''t think I would have cared if people wore jeans to our wedding; and in fact, I think some did. But I would rather see someone I love in jeans and happy for us on such a big occasion than caring about what they were wearing or how many people were there. At the end of the day, it''s the bride and groom that matter the most at the celebration

I really agree with this. You can choose your attitude toward things like this. You can either let it ruin your day or you can focus on the positives such as the beautiful decor, etc.

Did this wedding take place in the town in which you currently reside, HHVS? Because I seem to recall a number of your posts sounding downright miserable and I really wonder why you stay there. Life is too short to be that unhappy...I hope you are able to move on soon.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/4/2010 10:08:18 AM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/4/2010 12:45:18 AM

Author: Haven

I think it''s rude to attend only the wedding reception and not the ceremony, unless you cannot attend the ceremony for some specific reason.



I was never allowed to attend a bar mitzvah party if I hadn''t attended the service. I feel like this is a similar situation.

I totally agree with you. I''m Catholic and I hate when the church is almost empty but when the party start everybody has the time to be there. Tottaly rude.

OT, but worth noting. Some people (non-Catholics) might feel awkward attending a full Catholic mass. All of the standing, crossing, kneeling and communion taking is intimidating and no one wants to look like a fool for making a mistake. DH is often uncomfortable in these settings.

I agree with most of the other posters on it being rude overall, but don''t focus on just the negatives.

 

[elle_chris]

Date: 4/5/2010 12:07:06 PM
Author: lulu
I live about 2.5 hours away from most of my family and friends. Unless I am very close to the person I attend only the reception. Like most attendees I arrive with a gift (usually a very generous gift), and I must say that I object to being called a ''freeloader''. I''m often invited to weddings where I have never met the bride and groom. Why would they care if I''m at the service?

I agree with this.

Most weddings have huge guest lists. The families wind up inviting co-workers, and long lost relatives and friends. People who either don''t know the bride and groom, or have only met them once, maybe twice in their lives. I don''t think the couple would be offended.

Also, I once went to a wedding where there was a 3 hour gap between the church service and the reception. I used to work with the bride but never met the groom or their families. To kill the time, the groom''s family was asking people to go to their house. Our choice was, hang around all dressed up for 3 hours in an area we don''t know, or go to the grooms family''s place. We went, didn''t know one single person, was very uncomfortable. I would never, EVER do that again.

 

[elle_chris]

Date: 4/5/2010 12:45:18 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 4/4/2010 10:08:18 AM
Author: gaby06


I totally agree with you. I''m Catholic and I hate when the church is almost empty but when the party start everybody has the time to be there. Tottaly rude.

OT, but worth noting. Some people (non-Catholics) might feel awkward attending a full Catholic mass. All of the standing, crossing, kneeling and communion taking is intimidating and no one wants to look like a fool for making a mistake. DH is often uncomfortable in these settings.

I agree with most of the other posters on it being rude overall, but don''t focus on just the negatives.

So true. My husbands family is Catholic. I''ve been to Church more times in my life than I''ve been to temple (i''m half jewish), and it makes me very uncomfortable.
His sister is having her Church wedding in August. I discussed how I felt about "church going" with my husband, we decided that this will be the last time for me.

 

[janinegirly]

quite a few people on DH's side showed up for the reception but not the ceremony. Although it wasn't ideal, it didnt bother me as much because we had quite a bit of time in between the events (several hours). Many of Dh's family is older and it was more of a hassle trying to figure out what they would do with themselves in between. Almost all on my side were at both, but many of them travelled so had a hotel room,etc.

So while not ideal there are reasons behind it sometimes and to me, the ceremony is more for immediate friends and family anyway. And we also had a catholic ceremony.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 4/5/2010 12:52:50 PM
Author: elle_chris

Date: 4/5/2010 12:45:18 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 4/4/2010 10:08:18 AM
Author: gaby06



I totally agree with you. I''m Catholic and I hate when the church is almost empty but when the party start everybody has the time to be there. Tottaly rude.

OT, but worth noting. Some people (non-Catholics) might feel awkward attending a full Catholic mass. All of the standing, crossing, kneeling and communion taking is intimidating and no one wants to look like a fool for making a mistake. DH is often uncomfortable in these settings.

I agree with most of the other posters on it being rude overall, but don''t focus on just the negatives.

So true. My husbands family is Catholic. I''ve been to Church more times in my life than I''ve been to temple (i''m half jewish), and it makes me very uncomfortable.
His sister is having her Church wedding in August. I discussed how I felt about ''church going'' with my husband, we decided that this will be the last time for me.

I understand about people feeling uncomfortable. I was mainly speaking of my experience back home, where 90% of the people is Catholic

.
I had been in a couple of Jewish weddings and I did not feel uncomfortable, but I can not speak of how other people could feel about that.

 

[swingirl]

I can honestly say at my ceremony I needed my wedding party and immediate family to be there. Everyone else was gravy. I was too busy getting married to take notice of who did and did not show up at my ceremony or reception. I didn''t feel like people had to "put in their time" at the ceremony in order to be rewarded with food and drink at the reception. I am amazed that it bothers people. Not everyone can devote a full day to a wedding. I appreciated the people who showed up to celebrate with us on our wedding day, whether it was to watch us take our vows or share an evening meal and toast to our future. And I was too busy having a wonderful day to keep tabs on who showed up when.

 

[Gypsy]

The entire world may not be catholic, but the entire world isn't western either. In some cultures only close family attends the ceremony, and the reception is a big event. I've been to quite a few receptions, but relatively few ceremonies, and all of those for close family members. The only ceremony I did not attend that I was invited for was a result of my being ill that day, but having to put an appearance in because my DH was in the bridal party. I opted to show up to the reception because my absence would be more noticable at the head table than in the church. I didn't eat a thing... so there was no freeloading. Just a lot of pained smiling and an early departure.

The issue of people dressing inappropriate is separate, IMO, there is no excuse for not knowing how to clean up for a wedding. At a minimum you put on slacks an a nice shirt if you are a guy (more preferrably, but we are talking about minimal standards here) and a nice sun dress or outfit if you are woman. If the wedding is in a barn, or on a beach... then something else maybe appropriate but short of that... nope.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/5/2010 12:45:18 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 4/4/2010 10:08:18 AM
Author: gaby06

Date: 4/4/2010 12:45:18 AM
Author: Haven
I think it''s rude to attend only the wedding reception and not the ceremony, unless you cannot attend the ceremony for some specific reason.

I was never allowed to attend a bar mitzvah party if I hadn''t attended the service. I feel like this is a similar situation.

I totally agree with you. I''m Catholic and I hate when the church is almost empty but when the party start everybody has the time to be there. Tottaly rude.

OT, but worth noting. Some people (non-Catholics) might feel awkward attending a full Catholic mass. All of the standing, crossing, kneeling and communion taking is intimidating and no one wants to look like a fool for making a mistake. DH is often uncomfortable in these settings.

I agree with most of the other posters on it being rude overall, but don''t focus on just the negatives.

You make a really good point, HH. I hadn''t thought of the (what seems like a pretty obvious) fact that some people may just be uncomfortable attending religious ceremonies. I''ve always had a great love of attending a variety of religious events that are unfamiliar to me, but of course, that is probably not the case for everyone.

I think I''ll try to keep that in mind in the future, so perhaps my initial reaction won''t be that it''s rude for people to skip the ceremony.

I do still think that showing up in jeans isn''t the most respectful choice, though. But as others have noted, I was too wrapped up in the moment on my own wedding day that I didn''t notice *any* of these things at all, anyway.

 

[RaiKai]

Do we know how many were actually invited to the ceremony (and how many responded they would attend?).

It is not that unusual to have less people invited to the ceremony than the reception, around here at least. People these days seem to have smaller ceremonies. There are weddings where I have been invited to both parts, and others where I have been just invited to the reception. If I have to pick ONE over the other, I do go to the ceremony, but I can understand when others don''t make that same choice. Even when someone is invited to both, sometimes they cannot attend the entire day (especially if ceremony and reception are several hours apart and it is a holiday weekend!).Or are not interested in driving for two hours to a ceremony and then having either the option of driving back 2 hours before coming back again with another 2 hour drive, or hanging around for several hours with people they might not be comfortable around. How are they freeloaders for showing up only for part of it? I don''t think someone needs to "earn" their dinner if they are an invited guest. If I wanted a good meal and a good evening out, there are other more affordable options than even weddings. They are invited guests, however they are dressed.

And there are almost always some people who RSVP yes who cannot attend at the last minute. That is just the way things happen. I have seen weddings that went on during snowstorms even when 95% of the guest list did not make it there!

Honestly, at the ceremony, all that matters in the end is the bride, groom and the officiant (and witnesses I suppose!). We had 16 guests at our wedding (and the same 16 at our reception), and told them they could wear whatever they wanted as long as they were comfortable (we readily welcomed PJ''s if they wanted!). We had people wearing jeans, people in cocktail dresses, 4-inch heels, cowboy boots, a woman in a belly dance outfit, suits and plaid shirts. It was wonderful, and everyone was comfortable which is what we cared about most. After all, the groom was not even wearing shoes I realize this does not work for everyone, but our main thing was our guests comfort (and them reflecting their own personalities) - not photos. I really also bristle at dictating what people should wear. Yes, if you indicate "formal" on the invites most people will realize this means suit & tie, but if Uncle Bob wears jeans as he always wears jeans and either does not own a suit or just cannot stand wearing one, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Maybe DH and I are just a bit hippie that way though.