Parents'' reaction to your engagement?

[roxy7]

I have no doubt my parents will be thrilled. They love my bf so much. I am also their youngest, and all their other kids are already married, so I am sure they''ll be twice as happy because it means that all their kids are married and starting families. the one reservation I could see in the back of their heads (something they would never mention to me) is the expense of another wedding, since my other sister just got married 3 months ago.

As for his parents, I love them and hope they are happy for us. I know they don''t have anything against me. I just hope they think this is the right time for him and aren''t wishing we waited any longer.

 

[SoonIHope]

When we started ring-looking, I really wanted to tell my parents, but I was also kind of torn because I wanted to surprise them. But at the same time, I didn't want them to be TOO surprised! (Well, I've been living with my boyfriend for two and a half years now, so it wouldn't really be a shock.) They love him, and we all get along really well. I told him I wanted to tell them when we started looking and he said that was fine, since he was going to tell his parents as well (his mom works at his bank, so she periodically checks in on his account from the back end and yells at him if he spends a lot of money on something, so he wanted to warn her.) I intended to tell my mom this one time, but kind of chickened out, and then decided I probably wouldn't.

Then my boyfriend had to go (with THREE DAYS NOTICE) to China for work for 3 and a half weeks. I live far away from my parents and a lot of my friends have moved away recently too, so I was pretty lonely without him around, and spent a lot of time talking on the phone to various people, including my mom. Then my brother called me TOTALLY out of the blue announcing that HE got engaged to his girlfriend of 7 years. So I was all super excited for them (we all love her too), and didn't say anything to him because I didn't want to diminish their moment at all. (My boyfriend had already bought the setting but not the stone at this point.) But then when I was talking to my parents the next day, and we were having a long discussion about whether we had thought that my brother and his girlfriend ever would get married, or if they were happy just living together all these years, and how it came as a total surprise because we didn't know they'd been discussing it, and where is their wedding going to be etc....it just got the better of me, and I told them we were ring shopping! Hehe. They were TOTALLY thrilled but mainly just at the OH WOW ALL OF A SUDDEN BOTH OF OUR CHILDREN ARE DECIDING TO GET MARRIED WITHIN A 24 HOUR WINDOW kind of thing. But after they calmed down a little, they were happy just for me and my boyfriend on our own level, and said lots of nice things about how much they like him and how great he is for me, etc.

After the fact, I felt a little bad that I did that when my boyfriend wasn't around to talk to them too...but we went to visit them for Thanksgiving weekend (like 2 weeks after that) and my dad was all cute asking if he could say something to my boyfriend about it, and I was like uhh, why not, HE knows we're going to get engaged! So then my dad did a little speech/toast thing welcoming my boyfriend into the family, and then later my boyfriend did one back to my parents, and then my mom did one too. Hehe.

[I had specifically asked my boyfriend NOT to ask for my dad's/parent's permission because I think my parents would think less of HIM if he did it...like that he didn't think I was independent enough to make the decision for myself. So I was very pleased with the way it all played out, b/c we still got a "blessing" of sorts, but managed to avoid the whole "permission" aspect of it.]

So I was glad it all went well, BUT now I'm worried they won't be AS excited when we actually do get engaged (WHICH OH MY GOD WILL BE IN LESS THAN NINE DAYS!!!!

). Plus I don't want my extended family to be less excited about my engagement since it's right after my brother's....

As for my boyfriend's family, I like them a lot and we get along well, but they're Chinese so even though they CAN speak English, when we're at their house or out to dinner or whatever, they almost exclusively speak to each other in Chinese.

And they're very nice to me and address me directly (in English) a fair amount, but I still just don't KNOW them as well as he knows my family. They are also very unexcitable (not in a bad way, they just don't express emotion very much). So when he told his mom he was ring shopping she apparently just said, "Oh, okay." And then she asked about the ring and he told her how much the stone was going to cost and she yelled at him for spending too much and said it's a waste of money, so he should just buy me something little. So that's all I know of his family's reaction so far.... I've seen them since then and they just haven't acknowledged it all to me yet. I'm sure once we're actually engaged they'll say something though! But I don't expect them to be EXCITED, even though I don't think it's because of disapproval or anything. Though I'm sure they would rather him marry someone who can actually speak to them all...I've tried learning a bit of Cantonese, but they just kind of humor me for a moment and then go back to their real conversations.... Okay this is coming off as very negative towards his family, but we really DO get along well!!! And his mom called me when he was in China to make sure I wasn't lonely, and gives us lots of food all the time, and has plenty of other ways to express affection, I just still am a little unused to his family's complete lack of overt excitement. But it's all good!

WHOA this is long, sorry! Been writing in bits and pieces over the past like 3 hours so I didn't realize how long it added up to....

 

[snow_happy]

Hi everyone,

My background is that I am chinese and my fiancee is white. We spend most of our time with his family and we are very close to that side. He has spent less time with my family (especially extended family) because it just wasn''t acceptable to bring him to family functions if we weren''t married (maybe a Chinese thing?).

First about grad school (ohhh grad school), I too am in graduate school but have found ways to fund myself through scholarships or whatever, so far so the payment issue isn''t a big deal. There are often, though not easy, ways around the financial issue.

When we first got engaged my dad gave my poor fiancee an hour lecture on how we were too young, etc. (we were 23 with a two year engagement) My mom also had several "serious" talks with me but in the end what it came down to was they respected my choice. Although parents aren''t always super duper excited (especially when they are concerned about "culture clashing"), in the end they are expressing their concerns because, just maybe, their ultimate concern is - they want you to be happy.

It took me awhile, several arguments, and months of agony, but I finally got it (and I''m sharing this with you so that it might help ease some worrying) -- they love me no matter who I marry, who I live with or any other choice I make in my life. My fiancee and I decided to have a destination wedding and my dad said I was being selfish. That really hurt me at the time but then I figured...maybe I am selfish....but he still loves his selfish daughter!! I truly believe that parents do things out of love, even if it comes out in a twisted, annoying way! In the end, they just want to contribute to our lives and have us listen to their point of view.

I mean, all the lectures (trust me I''ve heard all the "culture clash" lectures!)....I was getting argumentative and frustrated...and wasn''t good about hiding it either! Yet they still persisted and wanted to tell me what was on their minds. So in the end, all of it was...they just want me to be happy...and I''m sure that''s true for your parents too.

OK so my advice is: love your fiancee, love your family (even when they are negative!) and the happiness will come naturally.

 

[anchor31]

Thanks for sharing, snow happy! That''s very helpful and somewhat reassuring.

 

[regalada]

Since my mom thinks my FI is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to her daughter, she was quite happy to hear the news. I was a bit antsy about telling her because ever since FI and I moved in together, she acts as if we are for all purposes already married. I thought she''d be pleased but not ecstatic so when she sounded so happy on the phone I started to cry out of relief and joy.

FI''s mom, on the other hand, I don''t think was as thrilled as mine. We don''t talk much since I don''t speak German and her English is very basic, but I''ve always had the feeling she was wishing for some refined European girl to marry her son. And then her son picked me, who can be as unrefined as they come

. She is slowly warming up to the idea and even bought us an expensive bottle of champagne last time she visited to toast to our future marriage. I''m hoping by the time the wedding rolls around in May she is completely on board or she''s going to be the one unhappy camper

amidst a bunch of very happy people.

 

[fire&ice]

Well things were great with my family they loved my boyfriend turned fiance. Things were terrible with his mother. It went from bad (refusing to give him the family stone b/c it was too soon into knowing each other) to worse - when on his own he purchased an engagement ring for me. They were incredibly ugly on the phone. I''ve never seen my rock type hubby be so visibly shaken. I said "And, their reaction surprised you?". How long did they want us to wait - till we were both too old to walk down the isle?" I was nothing more than majorly *PISSED* that they would behave that way towards the man that I loved. He turned his upsetment into the same emotion as me & gave them (his spinster bitter old sister & his wallow in her pity that her husband died young mother) what for. It shocked them. They realized either it was me, him & them or just plain me & him. His sister continued to cause trouble. His mother accepted me because his grandmother adored me.
Given the situation with his niece & her current serious boyfriend, I wonder if they want anyone to be happy. Or, maybe give them the benefit of the doubt - that no one will be good enough for any of them.

Fast forward 20++ years - his mother thinks I walk on water. Well, his sister - she''s still a bitter old spinster. Drives her batty that I am soooo nice to her.

I guess what I am saying is don''t loose heart if a parent is less than pleased. Listen to what they say - they could have a point (my parents were SPOT on about my previous serious relationship) - use your head but follow your heart. Don''t work yourself into any of the DRAMA. Just make sure your fiance stands up and tells them you are first.

 

[SeattleSparkle]

Date: 12/16/2005 2:46:51 PM
Author: anchor31
Thanks for sharing, snow happy! That''s very helpful and somewhat reassuring.

Yes, thank you!!