Parents exaggerating the joys of parenthood (article)

[Lanie]

This article made me laugh. In a bad way. My childless friend posted it on his Facebook, and while he is certainly in his right to stand ground on not wanting to have children, I disagree wholeheartedly We each apparently have different meanings of the word "satisfying".
http://healthland.time.com/2011/03/04/why-having-kids-is-foolish/

 

[MonkeyPie]

Wow. That was just ridiculous.

How much money you want to bet that the writer of that article has no kids?

 

[Lanie]

Isn't it ridiculous? I was so mad and haven't had my coffee yet, so I just glazed over the scientific parts. So maybe I'm missing something

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Wait. They tried to substantiate this with SCIENCE? (Haven't read the article).....are they forgetting that the purpose of having children is to continue the human race? How is THAT not scientific???? There's a biological imperative to procreate you morons! (them, not you Lanie )

 

[iheartscience]

Don't hit me, but: what the study found seems to be pretty consistent with what I've learned about cognitive dissonance. (Which isn't a ton, but I was a psych major and I took a class that talked a lot about this.)

Clearly that author is biased, but I know moms here in FHH have said having a baby is super hard, especially at first, and no one told them! So it seems like the study can't be that off base...just saying! *HIDING!*

 

[Dreamer_D]

I actually know those psychologists and they are great researchers! How fun to see their research hit the media.

I peeked at the source article and it is really interesting. But the blog author is making a mountain out of a molehill. There is nothing utterly surprising in those particular findings. Research has long shown that happiness and marital happiness in particular plummets after the first child (no additional drops after kiddo number two). Dissonance theory is also a fairly universal phenomenon, so why would it not apply to parenthood too?

But research also shows that feelings of *meaning* and *purpose* increase when kids are born. And, delusions about the positivity of having kids are not unique. We also have delusions about our spouses and our marriages too, and underestimate the costs of the union Should we all avoid relationships then? We also have delusions about our own efficacy and ability to control our life outcomes. In fact, those types of delusions are healthy and promote happy marriages, commitment, and ward off depression. So delusions are often a good thing when it comes to motivating people to work at things that are not always rewarding, or to help maintain psychological satisfaction in the face of adversity.

The blog author's conclusions from the study are just silly. This is an example of the media grabbing one finding without understanding the context.

 

[decodelighted]

People are generally terrible at predicting how they WILL feel about things. We predict much more happiness from possessions than we actually get ... and much less unhappiness over certain losses than we predict we'll feel also. (Breakups! Hello!)

Overall, I think there are plenty of reasons NOT to have kids. And only the people who are 100% committed to the idea should really be doing it. Since when is the human race really in danger of being obliterated? Ask China. Otherwise stop patting yourselves on the back for your great personal sacrifices in order to keep society populated.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Stop the presses, you mean raising children is both difficult and expensive?! I guess I should have thought that before making a life-altering decision...

If there is one thing I've learned in 10 years of research, it's that attitudinal and behavioral data often contradict each other, which is incredibly counter-intuitive. Perceptions and reality aren't always aligned, so those who think they'll feel a certain way about having kids can either be surprised or disappointed when it actually happens.

ETA: I just realized I'm re-station what previous posters' have already said, so I should have just said "ditto"!

 

[Laila619]

Well, I think it's taboo to say that parenting isn't as rewarding and fun as one thought it would be. I think if more moms were honest about this stuff, then those of us who think it's not all roses wouldn't wonder if something were wrong with us for feeling that way. It'd be like, "Oh, it's actually normal to feel like this at first? Whew!" I do think a lot of people exaggerate how wonderful it is. Sure, it can be wonderful, but it's also a TON of very hard work which nobody really warns you about. They just say "Congrats!"

The ironic thing is that people always love to say to someone who gets engaged how marriage is "hard work," but I don't find that to be the case at all.

 

[Lanie]

I agree Laila. I think many couples live together, and so that first year of marriage that is supposed to be so hard, isn't as hard as it was in the past when it wasn't the norm to live with someone. I think our most trying times in our marriage have been in these last 3 months with a newborn.

I also think that it's hard to put your feelings into quantifiable scientific numbers. Yes it's expensive, yes it's draining. I could quantify the expense. I could possibly quantify the hours spent awake with my crying baby or the opportunity cost of working vs. being at home, etc. But I don't think you can put numbers on how it feels to be a parent. No one understands that rewarding feeling until you have your own child. I think the findings are extremely biased and hey, you can manipulate data to come up with a conclusion you want to arrive to.

 

[Mara]

IMO having a kid is not a rational or scientific decision... it's emotional.

I'm very rational and it took us YEARS to get enough emotion built around it to feel 'ready enough'... and really it was not as though anything had really CHANGED in our situation, it was in our hearts.

I can easily see how they say that. But, I'm a happy fool with our emotionally made decision.

ETA...can't argue with this lol--was just discussing it elsewhere:

Or, as the writer Jennifer Senior put it in a New York magazine article last summer, “Kids, in short, went from being our staffs to being our bosses.”

 

[TravelingGal]

Well, I consider myself a decent mother, compentency wise and happiness wise. However...

I didn't know if I wanted kids. Biological drive, regret or whatever was a factor...so we threw it out there and had the first child. No regrets.

HOWEVER

Knowing what I know now, I chose not to have a second. IMHO while children bring almost an inconceivable JOY into your life, if one was to look at it day by day, hour by hour, they bring far more work, hassle, monotony, fatigue, exhaustion, irritability and if you're lucky, a whacked out sense of humor to deal with it all.

You postpone your life for years. So your kids can go off in the world, do her thing and maybe, HOPEFULLY, give you a second thought. If you're lucky, you're in your 40's, maybe 50's and enjoy midlife. If you had kids later, then you stand and get your senior discount on a cup of coffee at McDonald's and go play shuffleboard.

I'm being a bit tongue in cheek, but it's just a lot of work. My kid turns three next week, and I can't seem to even get my ass in gear to go buy some party hats and figure out a few things for her class party. Some people have always wanted to be parents, because it gives them the things to DO that they always wanted TO do. Me? It's given me a long list of kid related chores, and life is now not about what I want to do, but things I HAVE to do.

Am I happy? Absolutely. But my life is very precariously balanced right now. I'm managing everything pretty well...but it sure makes me want to NAP everyday!

 

[iheartscience]

Well, I consider myself a decent mother, compentency wise and happiness wise. However...

I didn't know if I wanted kids. Biological drive, regret or whatever was a factor...so we threw it out there and had the first child. No regrets.

HOWEVER

Knowing what I know now, I chose not to have a second. IMHO while children bring almost an inconceivable JOY into your life, if one was to look at it day by day, hour by hour, they bring far more work, hassle, monotony, fatigue, exhaustion, irritability and if you're lucky, a whacked out sense of humor to deal with it all.

You postpone your life for years. So your kids can go off in the world, do her thing and maybe, HOPEFULLY, give you a second thought. If you're lucky, you're in your 40's, maybe 50's and enjoy midlife. If you had kids later, then you stand and get your senior discount on a cup of coffee at McDonald's and go play shuffleboard.

I'm being a bit tongue in cheek, but it's just a lot of work. My kid turns three next week, and I can't seem to even get my a$$ in gear to go buy some party hats and figure out a few things for her class party. Some people have always wanted to be parents, because it gives them the things to DO that they always wanted TO do. Me? It's given me a long list of kid related chores, and life is now not about what I want to do, but things I HAVE to do.

Am I happy? Absolutely. But my life is very precariously balanced right now. I'm managing everything pretty well...but it sure makes me want to NAP everyday!

SNORT to the bolded. If I ever decide I want a kid, I have a feeling I'll feel exactly this way, too. I think I'm too lazy for a kid!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Whatever editor, writer, or intern gave the article and the page those titles was just trying to grab people's attention. The study doesn't address whether parents are better, worse, or the same than non-parents. It just addresses the fact that it's human nature to defend one's choices when confronted with the negative consequences of those choices. Well, duh. Good job, researchers.

 

[jstarfireb]

I liked the article, but as a child-free individual, I'm pretty biased. I do think it's become taboo to say anything negative about having and raising children, and I applaud the authors and the researchers for daring to break that taboo.

Phoenixgirl said "It just addresses the fact that it's human nature to defend one's choices when confronted with the negative consequences of those choices. Well, duh. Good job, researchers." That's very true, but isn't all psychological research aimed at addressing human nature? That's the whole point! It's not intended to make a value judgement on which lifestyle is better or worse. So I say "good job, researchers" without any sarcasm.

 

[Tuckins1]

Yeah, sure. So, let's all make the more "economical" choice of not having kids and see how long the human race exists.... How fricking stupid can you get? Yes. Having kids is hard work, and can be irritating and exhausting at times. But that's what keeps the world a' turnin... New generations.

 

[decodelighted]

Yeah, sure. So, let's all make the more "economical" choice of not having kids and see how long the human race exists.... How fricking stupid can you get? Yes. Having kids is hard work, and can be irritating and exhausting at times. But that's what keeps the world a' turnin... New generations.

But spay & neuter your PETS right? Do you have any idea how many parentless children there already are in this world? How 'bout parenting one of THOSE or is that Frickin Stupid too?


ETA: As Sarah SIlverman said recently .... "If Africa was full of starving Golden Retriever PUPPIES, we'd have that **** sorted out in a hurry"

 

[iheartscience]

Yeah, sure. So, let's all make the more "economical" choice of not having kids and see how long the human race exists.... How fricking stupid can you get? Yes. Having kids is hard work, and can be irritating and exhausting at times. But that's what keeps the world a' turnin... New generations.

But spay & neuter your PETS right? Do you have any idea how many parentless children there already are in this world? How 'bout parenting one of THOSE or is that Frickin Stupid too?


ETA: As Sarah SIlverman said recently .... "If Africa was full of starving Golden Retriever PUPPIES, we'd have that **** sorted out in a hurry"

Ha! I love her so much...and that is sad but true.