Home Parents and Your Marriage

[Smurfysmiles]

As soon as you say "I do!" Your husband becomes your immediate family. Before it was your parents and any siblings who were your immediate family (Probably could have titled this thread better, oops). I think this is the one thing I'm having trouble with transitioning. I think it is one of those things you just have to get used to. Anyone else having a hard time thinking this way about the marriage? The actions are in place (and really have been since we got ssrious about each other), putting him first and our relationship first, making decisions together, etc. It's just the way of thinking I'm not used to yet. Maybe part of it is because I STILL have yet to change my last name (waiting on getting a copy of my birth certificate). I think I'm rambling but hopefully somebody kwim...anyways...if anyone out there DOES know what I'm talking about, I'd love to hear your point of view

 

[elrohwen]

Actually, I haven''t really had trouble with this. I think it helps that I haven''t lived with my parents since I was 18 (except for some college holidays, etc) and I have lived with DH for almost 3 years. I think it was harder for my mom than for me. When I lost my job my mom was all over me with advice (not very good advice) and I finally told her that DH and I are a family now, and we''ll make the decisions for our family. She realized that she needed to back off a little and she''s been very good about it since.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I had to do something similar. My parents kept trying to give me advice and I finally just had to come out and say "While I appreciate that you''re trying to help me, when I do need advice I''ll come to you for it."

So far that has been great. I think it''s more just developing an identity for the two of us as one

 

[JSM]

Honestly, my husband was my immediate family before we said "I do." I think this is definitely easier because when we met, we were hundreds of miles away from our hometowns and had lived on our own for years. We now live even further away. We do miss our families but I think it has been good for our relationship to be on our own, at least at this point during our lives.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 2/11/2010 5:49:37 PM
Author: jsm
Honestly, my husband was my immediate family before we said ''I do.'' I think this is definitely easier because when we met, we were hundreds of miles away from our hometowns and had lived on our own for years. We now live even further away. We do miss our families but I think it has been good for our relationship to be on our own, at least at this point during our lives.

You make a really good point. I think it would be hard on a marriage to go from living with your parents to live with a DH/DW, especially in the same town as your parents (I feel like there are less and less families like this, but they do exist). It would be very hard to just cut off parents and rely almost entirely on your spouse.

 

[Shoopy]

I''m not married yet but I understand what you are trying to say. Obviously you consider your DH your immediate family but it''s the part where you realize you have to stop going to mom/dad/sis/bro for advice first on something that really should be discussed with your DH first. I think that is a natural part of the transition into marriage. I think it also depends on the type of relationship you had with your family beforehand. If you were the kind of person that needed to get that family approval or buy-in before doing anything, it can be really challenging to change your way of thinking.

We had to go through that when we first moved in together and then again when we became parents.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 2/11/2010 5:49:37 PM
Author: jsm
Honestly, my husband was my immediate family before we said ''I do.'' I think this is definitely easier because when we met, we were hundreds of miles away from our hometowns and had lived on our own for years. We now live even further away. We do miss our families but I think it has been good for our relationship to be on our own, at least at this point during our lives.

This is also part of why we moved across the country. I really feel more like we are on our own then I would if mom and dad lived down the street. Which back home was pretty close to the truth!

 

[megumic]

We''ve been living together for more than a year and will be married Fall 2010. I think the initial transition was challenging at time, but it got much easier and is usually more of an issue with friends, as opposed to family. For example, when I''m invited out for a "girls night" sometimes I have to decide whether I''ll spend the money out with them, or skip it and save it for a date. I think it''s natural to go through this and definitely takes some work!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/11/2010 6:02:59 PM
Author: fiery
I''m not married yet but I understand what you are trying to say. Obviously you consider your DH your immediate family but it''s the part where you realize you have to stop going to mom/dad/sis/bro for advice first on something that really should be discussed with your DH first. I think that is a natural part of the transition into marriage. I think it also depends on the type of relationship you had with your family beforehand. If you were the kind of person that needed to get that family approval or buy-in before doing anything, it can be really challenging to change your way of thinking.

We had to go through that when we first moved in together and then again when we became parents.

ITA. FI and I moved in together after many years, and it''s pretty exhausting to still be treated like children by my parents. They mean well, and I know that, but they still try to fix everything for us, or tell us how to do things. It''s OUR household now, and we don''t have to do things in the manner that they do. It frustrates me because in the moment, I see it as lack of respect rather than overbearing love. *sigh* My parents have always been kind of overbearing, but also very fun and loving. I have always been independent and strong willed, so it''s a fun balancing act. And now throw FI into the mix... ahh! His parents are so laid back and easy to interact with, by contrast, it makes understanding my parents pretty difficult.

 

[Haven]

I think the transition must have happened slowly with us over the four years that we dated before we married, because I have no idea what you''re talking about!

Part of it might be because we are a bit older, and we were together so long before we married. (We never lived together before marriage, though.) The other thing is that our parents aren''t the type to dish out advice much, anyway, and neither DH nor I were ever the type of children who shared much with our parents. We''ve both always been the private types in real life.

 

[noelwr]

if I understand the point of this thread correctly, smurfy, you are actually asking about you thinking about you and your husband as a family unit with each other. it can indeed be difficult because unlike your family, you actually chose to be with this person and you haven't known him all your life (at least not in the sense that you lived in the same household). and even when you are together for a long time, it will still surprise you that you will continuously learn new things about this person, and with the good come the bad. I think with time you will get used to thinking of both of you as one unit. the more decisions you make together or you make on your own with him in mind, the more you will get used to it. and in no time you won't be able to remember that the two of you weren't "one"!

I think the changing of the name may also help speed up the process because you will share something "visible, audible" that really unites you. (this is not me advocating name change. I am just saying it can help in reminding you that you really are a family now.)

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

For me it''s more of a change in mindset to OUR family vs my family or his family.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 2/12/2010 8:11:58 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
For me it''s more of a change in mindset to OUR family vs my family or his family.

Ditto. I catch myself saying "your parents" but they''re "our parents" now. Weird!

I''ve had no problem making DH come before anyone else. It''s been that way for some time now, but then again I''m not what one would consider "family oriented."

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

well Elle, parents yes, but definitely just "our family" as in DH and I.

 

[charbie]

kind of what elle and hudson were saying: i find myself saying "my husband''s brother" or "my husband''s dad" instead of "my brother-in-law" or "my father-in-law." slowly correcting that...i haven''t had much adjustment other than that though. i feel like he''s my family, for sure.

 

[Puppmom]

DH and I were together for 9 years (and lived together for 7 of those) before marrying so we''ve always been "family". The fact that we have a child probably contributed to that.

The only *funny* thing that I notice now that I''m pregnant is that DH often send HIS parents emails with updates etc. I just forward them to my mom and dad. He definitely doesn''t think of my parents as his parents. We don''t spend much time with them so I don''t blame him.

 

[swimmer]

I find that if my parents do take the time/energy to chime in on something, that they are probably right and it is good to hear from people who have been there and done that. They never chide or direct us, but I lived on my own from age 18 on and have never asked or expected them to pay for or feed me at any time since I lived with them in high school.

Just like with wedding planning, if your parents pay for any part of your life, they have paid for the right to give and have their advice heard.

 

[Clairitek]

It has been tough for me to transition from asking my mom and dad for advice first to asking DH first. I think part of the problem is the fact that he is 4 years younger than me and in most matters, he just isn''t as experienced as I am so my automatic reaction is to seek out help from my parents. I''ve been working on this because I know its insulting to DH.

 

[katamari]

It has been easier for DH than it has been for me, but I think it is because I am an only child and grew up mostly with just my mom. She has had trouble letting go, even though I have nearly lived away with her almost as long as I lived with her at this point.

Trying to find jobs was a real bonding experience for DH and I seeing one another as a family. In our fields, we cannot pick where we work. We got a lot of resistance from parents who wanted us to be within 500 miles of them. DH was very adamant that we were doing this for us, and we had to think of our family first.

 

[yssie]

Date: 2/11/2010 4:28:22 PM
Author:Smurfyimproved
As soon as you say ''I do!'' Your husband becomes your immediate family. Before it was your parents and any siblings who were your immediate family (Probably could have titled this thread better, oops). I think this is the one thing I''m having trouble with transitioning. I think it is one of those things you just have to get used to. Anyone else having a hard time thinking this way about the marriage? The actions are in place (and really have been since we got ssrious about each other), putting him first and our relationship first, making decisions together, etc. It''s just the way of thinking I''m not used to yet. Maybe part of it is because I STILL have yet to change my last name (waiting on getting a copy of my birth certificate). I think I''m rambling but hopefully somebody kwim...anyways...if anyone out there DOES know what I''m talking about, I''d love to hear your point of view

Good thread, smurf - I''m curious about this too.


I anticipate having a lot of trouble with this transition. I''ve been brought up to think "family above all else", where family consists of parents and immediate siblings.. anyone else (even a fiance

) is secondary - it''s partly culture, partly just my family, I think.. We''ve been engaged for a almost a year and a half and I must confess to still having trouble putting our relationship first and making decisions together that override our parents'' desires. I''m almost hoping that when the ceremonies are over there''s some switch that just flips on.. FI has been wonderful through the transition - he doesn''t understand why I have such trouble saying "no" to my parents, but he does know how to make me see the logic one way or the other when I just don''t want to!


Sorry - I think that went a bit OT. I''d love to hear other couples'' experiences with this.

 

[honey22]

We had been together for many many years, so my DH already was my family long before we said I do, so I guess I havn''t had any problems in that regard. I guess it could be very different for those who havn''t lived together before marriage?