Outgrowing Friends

[Diamond Confused]

Have any of you outgrown a friend? Is there someone you stopped hanging out with because you just didn''t feel like it anymore.

 

[BriBee]

Yes. In fact, I think this might be happening with a friend of mine right now. We''ve been friends for nearly 10 years, but it''s just not the same as it used to be...

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Yep. A lot of them.

FI is kind of in that process off and on with his friends. Some of them are lagging behind him maturity-level wise. It''s painful at times, but completely normal. ((hugs))

 

[Tuckins1]

Yes. I actually feel like i''m doing that right now... Only prob is that the DH is still good friends with him so I can''t just stop hanging out with him.

 

[diamondfan]

I have a couple of friends where things just got odd.

One of them makes me particularly sad as I have known her since we were 5.

She is divorced and has two kids. One is lovely and a good kid, the other is really a mess. She uses really poor parental judgment, and is more concerned with being her sons pal than parenting them. It has not paid off well with her second son. I had invited her to my older son''s bar mitzvah about three years ago and her behavior was so off the wall and really wrong that I lost a lot of respect for her.

Then she stayed with a guy who is a thief and has stolen from her numerous times, and lied over and over. The last straw for her was he stole her Rolex and pawned it. He blamed her cleaning girl and then my friend found the pawn ticket in his jacket pocket. Now they are back together.

She also gets overly involved with her 15 year son''s friends. Again, she wants to be their pal but she is inappropriate in how she does this.

I have another friend who is still single at 43 and very bitter. Every relationship ends badly very quickly as her expectations are off base, and no one sticks around. She was always biting, jealous, sarcastic and snarky about things when I would speak to her, and I really just could not bear to even talk to her. Now, we email occasionally and send each other holiday cards. She is a beautiful girl with a great career, and though her family life was a mess, I just kept hoping she would find someone and be happy and calm down. It has just not happened and I do not, at 42, need someone in my life who is always negative.

These choices are hard to make and very sad. I wish it were otherwise, but I always end up being the whipping post and I just got so tired of it. I wish them well, but just had to move on for my own sake.

 

[elle_chris]

Two of my best friends and I have very different lives now. We don''t live close by, and one''s a born again christian stay at home mom, the others a goth and hates society and i''m just a corporate zombie. We don''t talk or see eachother as much as we did 10 years ago. In fact, months can go by without a phone call - but for birthdays and around the holidays we always make it a point to get together and we always have a blast. (these ladies i''ve knows since the age of 12 so that may make a difference).
It''s hard when you and the other person are at different points in your life, but i think real friends are hard to come by. and if you''ve known eachother forever, it''s not worth it to just let go.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Yeah, a couple of them, but one in particular.

She and I were friends through high school and college, I was the maid of honour in her wedding, she came to my tiny wedding in Vegas. But, I''m infuriated with her refusal to go back to work, causing them to have to forclose on their home. Her child was 5 at the time, so it''s not like she needed to be home with the child, especially since her parents lived close by and always offered to babysit.

I just think she''s put her poor husband through so much, and she''ll be lucky if he stays with her long term. It breaks my heart, but I haven''t spoken with her in over a year.

 

[Linda W]

Yes, DH and I have both experienced this. Sometimes we are just at different places in our lives, other times, we just outgrow eachother.

It is true, real friends are hard to come by and those I (we) treasure with all our hearts.

I have friends that I have known since 7th grade, 46 years total. I treasure them deeply and oh how we love to give each other a bad time on how "old" we are getting HA!!!

Linda

 

[Miranda]

Yes, sadly. My situation is very similar to Dianondfan''s. I was friends with this person since 2nd grade. She has made a boatload of really poor choices (bad relationships, bad financial mistakes, etc.) in the last few years. I''ve tried to help, but, in the end I became so drained that I had little energy left for my own family. Our lives are completely different and I do think she''s a little bitter about that. She insults me in a passive agressive manner. I just don''t have much patience for that. I''m not a big fan of the make someone else feel bad so you feel better about yourself idea. The final kicker was the kind of parent she is. She is constantly taking badly about her poor little DD who is 3. Literally, as in, she talks about her like she cannot stand her. It sickens me. This poor kid is pawned off on ANYONE who will take her. I talk to her on a rare occasion and she knows not to tell me that she thinks her own child is a brat. It''s almost like there is too much history to never talk to each other again, but, we just rub each other wrong when we do talk.

 

[luckystar112]

I''m in the middle of ending a friendship right now...and it''s hard. I''ve talked about her a few times on here. We live indifferent states so really are only in contact through the phone or myspace. We used to have a lot in common but it had become extremely clear that we are two different people. When we talk it is mostly about her wild life, as mine is of no interest to her. She is in her mid-20s, still living at home, with no education. She has a lot of emotional issues that manifest in different ways. First she was a cutter, then a drug abuser, then very promiscuous, and now she is a homosexual. Obviously there is nothing wrong with being a homosexual, but is it weird that I think that this is just another one of her ''phases''? I mean, when she came out of the closet she begged me not to tell anyone in case she gets married (to a man) and has children one day.

I just got married in June and she has yet to even ask how it went. Or even send a card. Only the biggest day of my life thus far! That was basically the final straw, and I haven''t tried to be in contact with her since. It''s just obvious that this girl has no interest in what is going on in my life--and for someone who is supposedly her "best friend", that just doesn''t sit well with me.

Its funny that this topic was brought up today, as she called while I was at school. I haven''t listened to her voicemail yet. I kinda just want to be done with her, but it IS hard.

Does anyone have any advice on how to end a friendship? Do you just ignore the person, or email them letting them know that you are essentially done with them? I''d be interested to know, for sure! This ''friend'' typically only calls once a month (or two) depending on what is going on with her...so it''s not like she''s a total disruption to my life. But at the same time I''m just so blown away that she could care less about ME. Ya know?

 

[Miranda]

Date: 8/28/2008 7:52:58 PM
Author: luckystar112
I''m in the middle of ending a friendship right now...and it''s hard. I''ve talked about her a few times on here. We live indifferent states so really are only in contact through the phone or myspace. We used to have a lot in common but it had become extremely clear that we are two different people. When we talk it is mostly about her wild life, as mine is of no interest to her. She is in her mid-20s, still living at home, with no education. She has a lot of emotional issues that manifest in different ways. First she was a cutter, then a drug abuser, then very promiscuous, and now she is a homosexual. Obviously there is nothing wrong with being a homosexual, but is it weird that I think that this is just another one of her ''phases''? I mean, when she came out of the closet she begged me not to tell anyone in case she gets married (to a man) and has children one day.

I just got married in June and she has yet to even ask how it went. Or even send a card. Only the biggest day of my life thus far! That was basically the final straw, and I haven''t tried to be in contact with her since. It''s just obvious that this girl has no interest in what is going on in my life--and for someone who is supposedly her ''best friend'', that just doesn''t sit well with me.

Its funny that this topic was brought up today, as she called while I was at school. I haven''t listened to her voicemail yet. I kinda just want to be done with her, but it IS hard.

Does anyone have any advice on how to end a friendship? Do you just ignore the person, or email them letting them know that you are essentially done with them? I''d be interested to know, for sure! This ''friend'' typically only calls once a month (or two) depending on what is going on with her...so it''s not like she''s a total disruption to my life. But at the same time I''m just so blown away that she could care less about ME. Ya know?

Oh yes, I know. My friend isn''t as volatile as your friend, but, is just as self absorbed. Like yours she literally has zero interest in my life. There are lots of different ways of ending a friendship, but, for me the easiest thing to do was just ignore her. I screened calls and didn''t return them. After all, she was usually just looking for attention. When you are that type of personality and you''re not getting the attention you want, you move on, right? I was in no place to offer a lot of attention as I was in the process of moving and getting the kids situated in a new school so it was a natural break for me. I had lots of exciting, fun, positive things happening in my life and she was so totally not interested. That spoke volumes to me and really hurt. I had been there for her to offer support and love through everything negative and positive that happened in her life. I don''t mind having occasional contact with her as long as it''s positive on the kid front - see above. I just know that when I do it''s going to be all aobut her. I''m not sure if it''s because she thinks my life is a total bore. I''m a SAHM who LOVES every minute of taking care of the kids, the house, the hubby, the dog, and cat - not exciting if you go to cheap bars and date men out on parole!

Or if she just doesn''t want to hear about it...Whatever the reason is I DO know that she is addicted to negative attention and BIG DRAMA. I refuse to play into either one of those things so I think I''m just no fun anymore.

If you want a clean break I''d send an email or call her and tell her you can''t handle this kind of relationship. Kinda like dumping a bad boyfriend. Good luck!

 

[diamondfan]

I think ending things is a tough road.

You sort of have to either be more passive, i.e. not returning calls and not initiating contact, or you have to be proactive and just say that you feel the friendship is not in a good place any longer and you need to take a step back.

I also have this one friend who I have known about 11 years, since I moved to Philly. She is now back in LA. She is also a condescending and bitchy snarker. When she just came for a visit I spent time with her and she was so nasty. Made comments about money all of the time, and then asked me about our new home. When I told her something about it that SHE asked, (I did not bring it up) she exlaimed, OMG who needs a house THAT BIG? I would NEVER want that.
Okay, you do not have to take it!!! I mean, it blew me away, she was sooo passive aggressive and outright rude, between the comments and the attitude I could not wait to get away from her. She is one of those people who thinks she is superior to others and acts like a snob. I feel I am done with that friendship and I just have not been returning her calls. She will eventually get the message. I have no desire to have a confrontation with this woman so I am taking the least stressful path.

 

[radiantquest]

i went through that a couple years ago. they wanted to out to the club ALL THE TIME. i just didnt anymore. it was fun for a while, but it got told for me. we stopped talking for a long time. i am currently hunting for one of them and having a really hard time. try to stick in there cause you might wish you had them later like me

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I have. I hope it''s normal.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/28/2008 9:02:43 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I have. I hope it''s normal.

Yes, it is normal, sweet Tacori.


Linda

 

[WishfulThinking]

I have. I am pretty young, but more mature than most people my age [or so I like to think

], and at a very different point in my life than many of my friends. I went to a small high school in a rural area and most of my classmates have not left the area; many of them did not attend college because they didn''t have the grades or had other aspirations, and sadly many of them did not attend because they were not as fortunate as myself. The different life experiences we''ve had since graduation have really driven a wedge between my high school group of friends. Even then, as a 21 year old planning to get married within the year, college educated, and gay, it''s been very hard to keep in touch with some of the more narrowly-experienced people I used to know without huge stresses on our relationship, so we''ve moved apart.

Then again, I''ve never been the type to have lots of friends, and I can be very disinterested and completely passive when it comes to keeping in touch with people who don''t interest or respect me.

 

[decodelighted]

What''s the expression ... "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." Guess a few have to be "seasonal", right?

But the answer is .. yes. Many. I''m almost 41 but I noticed a lot of differences cropping up between mine & my friends relationships in our mid-to-late twenties. Either you realize somethings "off" with people as you get wiser (toxic, leech, frenemy) or your lives take different paths & the only thing you have in common anymore is the past.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/28/2008 11:13:02 PM
Author: decodelighted
What''s the expression ... ''People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.'' Guess a few have to be ''seasonal'', right?


But the answer is .. yes. Many. I''m almost 41 but I noticed a lot of differences cropping up between mine & my friends relationships in our mid-to-late twenties. Either you realize somethings ''off'' with people as you get wiser (toxic, leech, frenemy) or your lives take different paths & the only thing you have in common anymore is the past.

That was beautifully said Deco, I really like that.


Linda

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 8/28/2008 11:13:02 PM
Author: decodelighted
What''s the expression ... ''People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.'' Guess a few have to be ''seasonal'', right?

But the answer is .. yes. Many. I''m almost 41 but I noticed a lot of differences cropping up between mine & my friends relationships in our mid-to-late twenties. Either you realize somethings ''off'' with people as you get wiser (toxic, leech, frenemy) or your lives take different paths & the only thing you have in common anymore is the past.

Absolutely spot on Deco. Being that age I have been going through this for a couple of years now, and Fi is starting to experience it too.
It makes me really sad as some of the girls I have been friends with for many years. But I often wonder if its just a normal part of changing from a young person to an adult?..

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/28/2008 11:50:20 PM
Author: arjunajane

Date: 8/28/2008 11:13:02 PM

Author: decodelighted

What''s the expression ... ''People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.'' Guess a few have to be ''seasonal'', right?


But the answer is .. yes. Many. I''m almost 41 but I noticed a lot of differences cropping up between mine & my friends relationships in our mid-to-late twenties. Either you realize somethings ''off'' with people as you get wiser (toxic, leech, frenemy) or your lives take different paths & the only thing you have in common anymore is the past.

Absolutely spot on Deco. Being that age I have been going through this for a couple of years now, and Fi is starting to experience it too.

It makes me really sad as some of the girls I have been friends with for many years. But I often wonder if its just a normal part of changing from a young person to an adult?..

Aj, I really do feel that is a big part of it. You are growing into an adult and your interests do change. I think that has happened to many of us.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/28/2008 11:50:20 PM
Author: arjunajane
Absolutely spot on Deco. Being that age I have been going through this for a couple of years now...I often wonder if its just a normal part of changing from a young person to an adult?..

I think it is, sadly.

Re: mid-to-late twenties. I feel like I really have a handle on that age NOW .. at 41

I''m sure I''ll get 40-45 figured out any, uh, decade now.

ps -- Thanks Linda W!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/28/2008 11:57:39 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/28/2008 11:50:20 PM
Author: arjunajane
Absolutely spot on Deco. Being that age I have been going through this for a couple of years now...I often wonder if its just a normal part of changing from a young person to an adult?..

I think it is, sadly.

Re: mid-to-late twenties. I feel like I really have a handle on that age NOW .. at 41

I''m sure I''ll get 40-45 figured out any, uh, decade now.

ps -- Thanks Linda W!

Yup!! 40 and beyond is alll good, I promise!! But in my late 20''s I let a really good friend go, she was toxic. And jealous!! I wouldn''t have a problem doing that today., I let another friend go a few years ago, all of us decided she was awful. Well she was a lot of fun, but behaved badly. I ran into her in Nantucket, she hugged me like no tomorrow. I wanted to shake her hand instead.. Gosh that was awkward...

 

[musey]

Oh yeah! I think this is a natural part of growing up, or just the friendship running its course. Everyone outgrows friends--no one maintains every friend they've ever had for a lifetime!

For me, it happened for the first time almost as soon as I left for college. I grew up in a college town, so most people just stayed right there. Things were instantly weird, returning from my first semester out west to my Illinois hometown. I'd grown up a bit, made new friends, lived in a whole new place... and they were, well, the same as in high school. It didn't feel like we fit anymore.

It's more pronounced whenever you go through a big life shift, like moving away for college, graduating college and starting "real life," getting married, having children... but that's certainly not the only thing that can set it in motion. Sometimes it's just the natural progression of a relationship!

 

[deegee]

My hubby and I have friends who we''re kind of growing away from. We used to go out a lot and have been on vacation together several times. We enjoy spending time with them, but every time we go out they end up fighting. They argue at the restaurant, at the movies, at concerts, at home. . . everywhere! They recently had a baby, and now they argue over her! (Don''t let her have that, don''t let her touch that, you''re too protective, you don''t know what you''re doing, etc.) The guy has actually gotten up from the table, slammed his chair in, and gone outside of the restaurant. Very awkward indeed. The last time we went out they got in a big fight when we got back to their house to watch a movie, so DH and I made a quick exit. Hubby and I don''t fight, so we''re confused by the whole thing. Lately we''re finding that we are making excuses when they call to go out, and we''re NOT vacationing with them this year!

 

[oobiecoo]

Definitely... I''ve outgrown nearly all of my old friends. One of them was my best friend for like 12 years... she was my bridesmaid and we still talk but things just are''t the same as they used to be. It seems that she never matured past high school

I also feel like lately its so hard to find smart, mature, NEW friends. So many people these days are shallow or immature.

 

[kittybean]

Yes, I''ve definitely outgrown friends. It makes me sad sometimes. I was at a wedding recently where nearly all of the eight bridesmaids were described in the program as having been "friends with the bride since elementary school." I felt such a longing to have a group of friends like that!

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Yup.
Still going through a rough patch at the moment. I had a great friend throughout most of my 20''s. We even shared a house for 8 years. But when my meeting my BF coincided with her father''s passing things went very bad- which I guess is understandable. At one point we were so close I thought I would never find a BF because we were practically a couple. However, I feel there is a lot of pressure on me to phone her, find out about her life, invite her to things etc but these things are not always reciprocated. There were also some really rude things said to/ about my BF. I''ll maybe save that one for another day though...

She is the only one of our group of friends who is still single and it is difficult because when you meet your partner you want to spend time with them, when folks get married there is a new priority in their life. I am comfortable with Deco''s quote - there are definitely times when friendships have run their course.

But happily, a good freindship does not need to be a long one! Some of my very best friends I have known for a relatively short time and if I were trying to keep alive a whole load of friendships which were past their sell-by-date I wound''t have time for new ones. So...letting go can be good.

 

[bee*]

Yep I''ve outgrown friends. One of them specifically was my best friend through secondary school. We went to different collages and kind of drifted apart but we met up for dinner last year and it was the most awkward dinner I''ve ever had. We had nothing in common anymore. She seemed to be stuck in the still going out every night phase and just had a totally different life to me now. It was sad, but I just knew that we weren''t the same people.

 

[CJ2008]

Yes...I had a best friend through high school (and beyond, I think...I can't remember exactly, but we were friends for many, many years) who was my partner in my crime...

I really loved her, and we were very close.

Some time while I was going to college, we started drifting apart and seeing each other less...and when I would see her, I would notice she started picking up some bad habits that I was totally not into...and she had started hanging out with some go-nowhere-in-life people...we started not having anything in common at all. We would keep in touch via e-mail once in a while, but it was really different - she had changed so much. What broke the camel's back for me was when she e-mailed me to tell me she was moving in with an ex-boyfriend (a guy who came in and out of her life for years, and didn't treat her well, and did things like stood her up for her birthday, new year's eve, things like that) and she was getting rid of her cat that she had for like 12 years because he was allergic (which I don't really believe - he had never liked that cat). I couldn't believe she would give up her cat, a companion she had for so long, for this guy. I didn't even respond to her e-mail and never spoke with her again - it's probably been about 10 years. I think of her once in a while and my hope is that she's living a good life and that she's happy - I hope things didn't take a downward spiral for her and that she didn't end up with a life just like her parents' (long story).

 

[princesss]

I''ve definitely grown out of friendships (most recently about a year ago, and it still hurts, even though it was for the better).

It stinks, but Deco''s spot on (and, if I recall, one of the posters that helped me out a year ago when I was having this problem). People outgrow friendships for a variety of reasons, but generally it''s best to just move on.