Home Only Children...

[Pandora II]

This topic seems to be coming up on the 0-12 baby thread and is one I have a personal interest in.

I''m pretty sure that Daisy will be an only child - I had a horrible pregnancy, traumatic labour, my age, my health, we live in London where 3 bedrooms are out of our price-range and childcare is extortionate and I don''t feel I could have another child and give both of them the time and attention that I want to.

But, both DH and I are one of four kids and so we have no concept of being an only child.

So, if you were an only child did you wish you had siblings, do you find it hard making decisions about your own life because of your parents - eg not moving abroad because they would be without a child in the country or feeling obliged to always go home for Christmas etc?

If you are the parent of an only child, how do you find it, how do you ensure adequate socialisation or not spoiling them?

All views and opinions welcome!

 

[MustangGal]

I''d love to know too! And since we''re mostly female around here, does anyone have experience with a male only child (son or SO)? All the onlys I know IRL are female (and spoiled rotten

), so I have a hard time showing DH what an only male child could be like.

 

[radiantquest]

I consider myself an only child because my mother didn''t have my sister until I was 12 so most of my childhood it was just me. I always wanted a sibling, but it was something I could do without. Your only child will make friends and not be lonely. I think that only children do get more attention. Parents are usually doting on an only child. I don''t think I would ever consider my parents and having a child close in my thoughts on moving abroad.

Please do not take offense to this, it is just my personal opinion and since you had a difficult pregnancy your situation is different, but I believe in having more than 1 if you are going to have any. The reason for this is because when you or your husband passes an only child will have no one that understands exactly how they feel. When they have each other they can say "remember when mom...." or "dad would have loved this" Granted they have others that they can greive with, but no one knows how mom tucked them in or dad sang that funny song like another sibling would.

 

[elrohwen]

I'm an only child, and when I have kids I would like to have an only child, so hopefully I can answer some questions!

I rarely had a desire for siblings - of course I sometimes wished for a playmate, but I also saw my friends fight with their siblings like cats and dogs, so I was well aware that siblings won't automatically want to play with you. I remember a friend who wanted a huge family of 6 siblings to play with, but she already had a brother she couldn't stand. I never understood why she thought having more would automatically make them better than the bratty brother she already had. I've also always been introverted and liked spending time alone and have been that way since birth - two traits that were probably enhanced by being an only child, but which also made me not mind it so much.

I actually have less issues with making decisions involving parents than DH does and he has a sister. I would have no problem moving far away from my parents because we're close without living near each other now. I'm currently 8 hours away and see them maybe twice a year, so moving across the country wouldn't really change that. My mom and I would still talk all the time and remain close. They don't need me to help them with things and don't want me to help them as they age (not to say I won't when the time comes). DH, on the other hand, has a sister who lives far away from their mom, yet he feels that it's his responsibility to stay within driving distance of her as his father has passed away. So I'm not sure the attitude of making decisions about location is really based on being an only child or not. I do, however, feel obliged to always see them for Christmas or Thanksgiving, but we've become fairly flexible with how we work it out. And I'd probably see them over the holidays even if I had siblings.

As far as spoiling, I think that is difficult. My parents were both child psychologists, so they knew more than your average parent about socialization and not spoiling your kid. I'm certainly not the typical spoiled only child in any way, but I sometimes see personality traits that may be related to it. For example, I do better in one on one situations where others pay attention to me and I pay attention to them. I have a difficult time making myself heard in a large group sometimes and this frustrates me. I think, in a way, I'm spoiled by getting a lot of one on one attention and not having to compete with others to make myself heard. However, as I said, I have always had a more shy and introverted personality, and I would have been this way to some extent whether I had siblings or not. I would assume that a very outgoing child would retain those characteristics whether they were an only child or not - I think it's more based on individual personality, though I'm sure there are some personality traits that are enhanced by being an only child. My parents made sure that they did not provide me with everything I wanted, but they also provided me with a lot (like education) that they could not have afforded with more than one kid. So yeah, I'm spoiled, but only when it comes to the important things that you would like to spoil all of your children with. I wasn't spoiled with extra toys and was taught to work for a lot of things I wanted (even if the work was just doing some chores).

As far as good only child traits go, I absolutely think it can make kids mature beyond their years. I was very comfortable talking to adults and often felt like I didn't fit in with the typical high school kids because I felt older than them. Even now most of my current friends are 5-10 years older than me and I don't notice the age difference at all. In fact, I feel older than most of the other 25 year olds because I'm not interested in going clubbing, etc. I've always been told that I'm mature and I think it helped me navigate through high school and college without making the typical mistakes that kids make (drinking, drugs, sex, etc). Though that could have more to do with my personality and how my parents raised me than anything dealing with being an only child. It's so hard to separate out the factors!

DH has a sister and is convinced that all kids need a sibling. We're both on the fence about having kids in the first place and won't have one for at least 5-10 years, so I told him we'll maybe have one and then I'll let him know how I feel about having a second

I don't think there's anything wrong with having an only child and I think it's getting more and more popular.

 

[jcrow]

i''m an only child and an only grandchild. i never really longed for siblings. i think the worst thing about being an only is that everyone that finds out your an only says "oh i bet your were so spoiled!" grr. ruffles my feathers! no, i was not spoiled - by any means. sure, maybe some onlys are, but that was not my case. anywho...

some good that came out of it - i''ve always been very mature for my age. being surrounded by adults most of my life i always was well liked by my friend''s parents. i got along with adults very well. i also am able to be alone just fine. i could always entertain myself without the need for attention or someone to play with.

 

[E B]

I'm an only child, and to be completely honest, I hated it most of the time. I'm the type that likes to be around people- I don't need much "alone" time, and as an only child of a working single mom, I had a lot of alone time. Too much of it. In addition, I felt/feel the full weight of my parents' expectations, especially now that I've given them a grandson. I often wished/wish that I had a sibling to vent to or to 'take some of the heat,' so to speak.

Now, of course, there were benefits, besides my parents' undivided attention (a blessing and a curse, by the way). For example, my college tuition and wedding were completely paid for. I don't know if these things could or would have happened had been one of two or more. But would I trade four years of college tuition and a nice wedding for a sibling? In a heartbeat.

That said, I know many happy only children who wouldn't change a thing about the way they grew up. Just look at some of the responses in this thread. I guess it all depends on the child.

 

[lucyandroger]

I''m not a true only child but my only sibling is a half brother that is 12 years older than me. Growing up, I was quite content being the baby/ only child. I had plenty of cousins and friends my age to play with.

I think that I was always much more mature than my peers because I grew up in a house with essentially three adults. That is really the only thing I notice that is "different" about me.

Now that I''m older though, I wish that I had a sibling closer to my age. I see my SO and his brother and it''s just such a great relationship, like a built-in friend for life. I know that not all sibling relationships are like that though. It would just be nice to have another person who "gets" exactly what it was like growing up with my parents.

Assuming we are able, SO and I would like to have at least 2 children (close in age) and I''m actually pushing for 3.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband is, essentially, an only child (he has a 1/2 and step sibling who are both much older and haven''t been around the majority of his life and if he had his way his siblings wouldn''t exist at all. ). He is what would be defined as a successful adult. As his spouse I would say the biggest challenges are that: he is not used to having to share anything with anyone and because he was surrounded by adults and no siblings he hasn''t had to do much negotiating (he could take his figurative ball and go home anytime he wanted); I believe these things have made him a less social person and tolerant person than he might have been otherwise. These things have served him well in that he is fiercely independent -- an entrepeneur who started up his own business at a fairly young age -- and he is completely self-sufficient (that his parents were much older when he was born also factors into this). He is a very kind, loving, and thoughtful human being and I don''t believe he''d be a better person had he had siblings, but he would most likely be a different person.

He was well taken care of as a child, but his parents had high expectations of him. His mom also made a large effort to ensure that he was surrounded by peers so that he didn''t spend an excessive amount of time around adults and, as a result wind up being the constant center of attention (I think this is key; a child I know who is likely to be an only is darling, but as the center of the universe as far as the adults in his life are concerned and I think he is going to have a very difficult time as he grows up as he has become accostumed to the people who surround him adoring him).

As for being an adult, the hardest part for him was that before his parents died he was limited by location as he felt an obligation to care for both of them and his moms'' siblings as well, who all lived locally. This went on from the time he was 18 until he was 38, and there was no assistance from anyone except hired help and some generous friends of the family.

The idea that a sibling will serve as a person to share memories with is nice in theory, but most certainly not always the case. I know many siblings who don''t speak (including my husband to the above mentioned step and half) and share no common ground. I think it is more difficult, in some ways, to raise an only child as much effort needs to be put into socialization that tends to happen naturally when siblings are around, but it can be done and done well.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am not technically an only child bit grew up as one. My brother was 6 when I was born, and went away to school, so we didn''t really grow up together. When he was home is was akward, mainly because we didn''t know each other. I always had friends over. Or spent the night over at a friends house. I think it wasn''t till we got close, I was in college, that I really mourned all the time we had missed together. We became super close, and shortly afterward, he died. I knew that once we had become so close, I wanted at least 2 kids, and luckily that happened for me and am so very blessed.



My DD has a few friends that are only children. They love it., They have no issues what so ever. Today they are lovely well adjusted young women, who are happy they were only children. I have to say, I give big kudos to their parents for making sure if they wanted to have a friend over for a sleep over, or to take a friend with them when they went away was a big part of it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 11/18/2009 5:23:43 PM
Author: jcrow
i''m an only child and an only grandchild. i never really longed for siblings. i think the worst thing about being an only is that everyone that finds out your an only says ''oh i bet your were so spoiled!'' grr. ruffles my feathers! no, i was not spoiled - by any means. sure, maybe some onlys are, but that was not my case. anywho...

some good that came out of it - i''ve always been very mature for my age. being surrounded by adults most of my life i always was well liked by my friend''s parents. i got along with adults very well. i also am able to be alone just fine. i could always entertain myself without the need for attention or someone to play with.

I too am an only child, and this generally sums up how I feel I think.

As an adult I now do wish I had a larger family, siblings, more cousins (I do now have two who are 18 and 22 yrs younger than me, which is why I consider myself an only grandchild), nieces and nephews. My experience being an only is one of the reasons that I want at least 2 kids, and in my heart of hearts I want many more. I want a *big* family! I want that feeling of being part of something and belonging. DH is wonderful, and having one kid is great, but our family is no where near complete.

I know that is more about my desires for a family than my experience as an only child, but they are related I think. I spent a lot of time alone as a child, after school or other times. It made me independent, able to amuse myself, and perhaps other good qualities. Maybe it helped me be a great researcher, accustomed as I am to solitary work. But I also think that much of my childhood and early adult years were lonely. There just weren''t enough *people* around. Kids with bigger families may complain about having people always in their business, but I know from experience that is a far lesser evil than being alone much of the time. I had a wonderful family. It was simply too small.

 

[hlmr]

Best wishes with whatever you decide, Pandora. I am sure you will make the best decision for you and your family.

 

[vespergirl]

I have siblings, but my best friend and SIL are both only children. I think that there are definitely pluses to being an only - lots of parental attention and resources, getting along with people of all ages, maturity from just being around adults a lot, etc.

However, I do have to say that both of these women who I''m very close to (I lived with my best friend for 5 years and have known my SIL for 15) have a personality flaw that I don''t even think that they''re aware of - they very much expect the world to revolve around them - it doesn''t even occur to them to think of other people''s needs as well as their own. I don''t mean in an extreme, bad, or constant way, but more along the lines of, say, showing up late to things all the time, expecting other people to do things for them, using other people''s things without asking permission, having to always be the center of attention, etc. Again, not in a malicious way or anything, but it''s like it doesn''t occur to them to consider how other people might feel about certain situations, only their own needs.

I''m not saying at all that all only children have this trait, and truly the two women I know are lovely, wonderful people, but it''s just something that I''ve noticed consistently about them that I haven''t noticed as much with my friends who have siblings - it''s sometimes harder for them to live with other people in a way that people with siblings know how to live with their peers.

 

[Mara]

i was an only child til 8. i always wanted a sibling to have fun and play with but it didn't work out that way given the big age differences between us.

i don't believe if you have kids you have to have more than 1. i can't stand when people tell us that, it's presumptuous to try to dictate what we should be doing when it comes to having kids. and i feel like it's an old fashioned mentality. their reasons are things like 'you need to have a sibling in the world, someone you can always count on' or 'they will be so lonely growing up by themselves' etc...but i know a fair amt of people who can't stand their siblings as adults and they don't get along. i have two sisters, i am very close to one... and not close to the other.

because of my own situation i tend to feel like sure you can have lots of kids to try to give your kids siblings who love each other and create a strong family bond but you never know what your kids are going to turn out like. we were all raised in the same household and one of us turned out drastically different. is that parenting or just personality? its kind of like when people tell you you have to have a kid so they can take care of you in your old age or whatever... how do you know your kid isnt going to be a delinquent who never calls or sees you? you don't have one kid for a reason like that and i don't see having multiples for a reason like 'you just should have more than 1'. it's like luck of the draw on what you end up with!

we are not sure we want to have more than one...honestly i find the idea of one challenging enough. plus we are a little bit older and as an only child our son would have the benefit of our full attention both emotionally and financially whereas i have seen it more than once where parents have multiple kids their attention and affections are split. some say that would be a good thing, but others would say it's not.

bottom line for me is, i don't think if you have an only child they have to grow up bitter and lonely.. i know a fair amt of only children who are well-adjusted happy people. and on the flip side, i know a fair amt of people who have multiple siblings who think they might have been just as happy or happier without their siblings as well. it's a personal decision...do what works for you.

 

[Porridge]

Hey Pandora, I'm an only child. I can't tell you how to raise one, but I can tell you my thoughts and experiences!

When I was young, I never missed having siblings. Both my parents worked very hard so I was always off having a blast with other children in child-minders, and I had an after-school activity pretty much every day. I also have a number of cousins close to my age, so I didn't feel like I missed out by not having enough family around. I had a GREAT childhood - I got to travel and do things that we probably couldn't have afforded if there were more kids. As I got older I was lucky that I never had to worry about education fees etc. It was probably easier on my parents also, with their careers, that if they had to work very late, or go to a conference for the weekend, that there was only one child to worry about, and I could be minded by family or neighbours without too much strain.

As for spoiling them, well while I was certainly very fortunate, nobody would say I'm spoiled. I think the main reason for that is because I always saw how hard my parents work for what we have. It made me understand that things don't come for free! I also had my chores to do around the house. I've always worked during my time off from school etc, because I like to earn my money.

I will echo those who say they felt more mature as a youngster, I think being an only child can do that to you. I also always felt very independent. I have definitely come across those shy/mollycoddled only children though! I think the key is to get your child out into social groups and activities.

I don't feel pressure to stay home. I lived abroad for three years, and plan to move abroad again soon for a longer period. My parents have very busy lives and aren't dependent on having me around. That may change as they become elderly.

Sometimes I do feel now that I'm older that I would like to have siblings. I can't quite put my finger on why, I think I'd just like to have that support and shared history with someone, to be an aunty and to have family holidays with my siblings' spouses and children etc. And of course, to help look after my parents when they need it. Sometimes I have the feeling that maybe being an only child will get lonelier the older I become. On the other hand I could be worrying over nothing - I have a wonderful group of very close friends, and cousins, and maybe my future husband will have lots of siblings to fill the aunty/holiday needs! Also, maybe I could have had a bad relationship with my siblings had I had them...who knows??

Bottom line, I am one very happy only child

 

[soocool]

DD is an only child. She will be 17 next month. I was 36 when she was born and decided that if I wasn''t pregnant again by the time I was 38 I didn''t want anymore children.

Do we spoil DD? Certainly not with giving her stuff, but I guess with giving her lots of attention. DH and I make sure that in addition to family time she has one on one time with each of us individually. Shopping, makeovers, girl talk is what DD and I do together. Playing sports, going to sport events, watching sports on tv is what DD and her dad do together. She also spent a lot of time with her grandparents. My mother taught her how to bake and sew, my dad taught her how to fish and water ski.

While she doesn''t have any siblings, she has 3 male cousins. She always commented that the nice thing about having cousins is that they always go home afterwards. She doesn''t like her female cousin (DHs brother''s daughter)/

DD always liked and still likes adult interaction sometimes better than being with her friends. She certainly is much more mature than her peers and her friends are always asking for her advice and opinions, even going so far as to ask her to speak with their parents whenever they have a problem. DD has a knack for saying the right thing to people, never offending anyone.

I asked DD if she is sorry that she doesn''t have any brothers or sisters and she told me that she doesn''t after seeing how much her friends fight with their siblings . DD''s friends also tell her how lucky she is that she has parents who actually take interest in what she is doing. Maybe that is why her friends hang out here all the time and they actually talk to DH and me!

 

[MissGotRocks]

I am an only child. Not necessarily by design but because of circumstances. Like many of the others, I never missed having siblings. You really can''t miss what you don''t know. Many of my friends had siblings and had the problems of siblings - you had to watch them, let them play with you, be aggravated by them, etc., etc. I think I secretly was glad I didn''t have that burden!

Being spoiled financially was not an issue either. The money simply wasn''t there. What I was was loved, wanted, and safe. As I became a parent, I realized that those were the only things kids really NEED - not all the materialistic things that kids want. I had my share of stuff but it was never to the extreme and it was never doubled or tripled because there wasn''t another child to have to provide for. I never for one minute missed a brother or sister.

I had two kids because I wanted two kids. I must tell you that having them argue and bicker was enough to set my teeth on edge. I never really understood it because I had never experienced it firsthad. When they took my stuff and used it - think hairbrush, markers, just little things - it would make me crazy. I never had to share and I never had to look for my stuff because it was always where I had left it. That part of childrearing was challenging for me - I always felt certain it was because I had never had the experience. I used to remind them that I was an only child and never learned to share - that always made them laugh!

Fast forward to today. My mother is elderly and it is extremely challenging to go this alone. Now I almost wish I had a sibling. Someone to share this with, to bounce ideas and thoughts off of - for although my family is involved she is not their mother - plain and simple. I also realize that I could have uninvolved or deadbeat siblings that wouldn''t help anyway so I don''t sweat this too much - it is what it is. I also realize that once my mother is gone, the only immediate family I will have is my children and my husband. It''s like the end of the line and that makes me sad.

My son is now married and my daughter will be married next summer. The prospect of them having families is looming. I would never encourage either one of them to have any amount of children - one or seven - if it wasn''t something they were comfortable with. I know they both want to be a parent but they have both sort of hinted at maybe having only one. I tell them that''s fine - just don''t bring into the world what you''re not able or prepared to raise. Having children is a major responsibility and I would never want to see anyone have any more than they thought they could handle either physically, mentally or financially. For those who cannot have more than one, I would say to you to cherish what you have. We cannot always control our circumstances in life and I would rather relish in that one child than to be sad and bitter that I could have no more.

My kids are close and I am grateful for that. I also realize that may not always remain that way. Things happen along the way that sometimes derail sibling relationships. I would have never considered having another child just for the sake of having a brother or sister for the first one. I wanted two children and I was blessed to have two but it was not so much for them as it was for me.

For those of you who have only children by design or by circumstances, don''t fret about it. Only children can be very well balanced folks! They will not feel more obligated to you than those in multi children families because they simply won''t know any different. They will observe it in other families but again, they will not have experienced it firsthand.

As for the whole world revolving around an only child, that lies a lot in the parenting. One of my mother''s favorite sayings was ''the whole world doesn''t revolve around you!'' She made me extremely aware of other people and their feelings - it was never just my world, my way. I have joked my whole life that I was born an adult - probably because I was spoken to as an adult and was always surrounded by more adults than children. I''ve always been very responsible. It''s interesting to read about only children and first born children - since only children are really both they share some interesting traits. Spoiled children can come from any family - I really think it''s the parent''s job to try to make them aware of the world around them and to keep them grounded. Even at that, some kids go awry - just no guarantees with the job of a parent. It''s just important to be aware and to try to raise them to be responsible, caring people - no matter how many you have!

 

[Lilac]

I was an only child until I was 10 and then my father and stepmom started having kids and I got half siblings I didn''t live with. I didn''t have a sibling that I lived with until I was 12. So for most of my life I felt like an only child.

I had always wanted a sibling when I was younger because I wished there was someone else that understood my feelings on my parents'' divorce, our living situations, my parents'' health, etc. I never felt like I could truly talk to anyone because nobody really understood. My friends had married parents and I always wished I had a "full sibling" who shared my parents too so we could talk about it and understand each other.

Now that I''m older I still wish I had a sibling close to my age. I have a (half) sister who is 10 years younger than me (I''m 21 now and she''s 11) and while I love her to pieces, there are so many things we can''t talk about and it''s so hard to be at SUCH drastically different stages of life and still have a really close relationship, especially when we never lived together. I really love my sister so SO much (and I''m sure we will be closer as she gets older), but I wish I had a sibling closer in age to me. I see DH and his brother interact and I see friends interact with their siblings and I wish I had something like that. They text, joke around, talk on the phone, and enjoy hanging out together.

As for feeling like I always have to be home for holidays, I always did feel this way before my half siblings were born and even now it has lingered to an extent. When I was an only child, I always felt like I needed to be with my mom (or dad) because if I wasn''t they would be lonely. I always felt guilty when I was with one and not the other (or if I went away to a friend''s house, I felt bad the whole time because I felt like my mom or dad was very lonely).

I know it''s a tough decision, especially given the difficulties you had with your pregnancy and labor. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[gailrmv]

DH is an only child. The only negatives from my perspective: his parents can be clingy, and I'm sure that his parents will become more of an obligation as they age. I would also love to have SILs and BILs and nieces and nephews, which of course we don't (actually on either side of the family). DH says he was always treated like a little grownup which is both a good and bad thing. He says he is self centered as a result of being an only child, but honestly I do NOT think that is true. I find him to be very giving and not self centered at all, so I don't know why he thinks that. We're not sure yet how many children we hope to have. I think two would be great, but I'm overwhelmed at the thought of a second right now so we're just taking things a day at a time.

 

[D&T]

Date: 11/18/2009 5:12:32 PM
Author: MustangGal
I''d love to know too! And since we''re mostly female around here, does anyone have experience with a male only child (son or SO)? All the onlys I know IRL are female (and spoiled rotten

), so I have a hard time showing DH what an only male child could be like.

Not first hand experience, but both of my BIL''s were only child (my sister remarried yet again to an only child) I do have to say they both are used to getting their own ways. My first BIL really had a hard time of letting go of his mother even at 40! (marriage lasted five years) he always chose his mother over my sister, and it was really hard for my sister to deal with, Both BIL and Ex-BIL have always had their parents bail them out or something financially even in their later years (think late 20s and 30s and even in the 40s (first BIL) (they both can/ and have the abillity to work hard) but because they are the only child, they know they get everything from their parents and so in a sense they don''t see their consequences financially (this is just from hearing and seeing their financial spending habits

) just from my observations of my sister''s marriage.

 

[purrfectpear]

I was an only child, then I had an only child, so I have a bit of experience with this.

I never missed having siblings really.

The pros of being an only are:
Generally more self sufficient, more mature, more imaginative, more confident, and smarter
No having to compete for parents attention, you ARE the center of their world
Parents can afford things for one that they might not be able to afford for several

The cons of being an only are:
You might be an adult before you realize the world doesn''t revolve around you
Sharing does not come naturally, it''s a learned behavior
Tendency towards self centeredness

I''m sure there are some only children that never cut the apron strings, but most that I''ve known have been extremely independent. As Elrohwen said, they''re often mini adults in children''s bodies.

I was very happy as an only. I don''t worry about who will take care of my parents because I''m perfectly happy doing that when the time comes. Having siblings is no guarantee that you''ll have help. All my coworkers have siblings and it seems that the caretaking still falls to ONE of the siblings. It doesn''t seem you get all that much help anyway. I''m fortunate that I still have both my parents (they''re 79), but I know that I will feel a bit adrift when they both pass one day. I think that is when I''ll wish I had a sibling

 

[somethingshiny]

My DH is an only child and he was the only grandchild (on one side) for something like 20 years. He says he never longed for siblings, he had cousins and friends that were always close by. He still enjoys his alone time, something I''m sure he started as a child. DH is still very close with his parents and considers his dad his best friend.

The downside for DH: He used to feel like he was solely responsible for his parents'' happiness. Obviously this also comes from his parents expecting him to fulfill their desires. He was spoiled rotten! When we got married and for several years, he didn''t seem to understand the word "no." If he wanted to do something or get something he didn''t understand why I would say we couldn''t. He felt like it was a personal insult if we couldn''t afford a trip. He eventually grew out of that. He also lacked confidence and imagination because his parents would fill in for him.

DH grew very close to my sibs. My youngest sis was only 6 when we got together so he watched her grow up and she refers to him as her brother.

As far as no one being able to relate, I don''t necessarily agree. DH was very close with one cousin in particular. They were always at each other''s houses and they would get it to some degree. It wouldn''t be as involved as having a true sibling, but he could relate.

My SIL was raised as an only child because she was a change of life baby. She has nephews her age. She was spoiled terribly too. Her parents were older and wealthier and finally had a girl so that''s probably part of the spoiling. She doesn''t do well with familial relations. Her parents died when she was young and she doesn''t have much contact with her sibs. When she joined our family, we were very welcoming and accepting of her and her daughter. SIL didn''t really take to it feeling like we were trying to take the place of her family, which we kind of were. However, she''s very independent and intelligent and made a wonderful life for herself before she and my bro were married.

SO, for these two in particular, outside relationships were very important and it seems their growth was greatly affected by if they had them or not.

Our son JT has been an only child (he''s 3.5), only grandchild, only great grandchild, so this is what I have on the socialization and spoiling front...
I had to put my foot down early on so that he wasn''t spoiled by his grandparents. I mean spoiling only in the monetary way, not in the spending time way. JT knows what he has and takes very good care of his things. He understands that they are his responsibility and never expects things. He has a cousin who''s one year younger so recently they''d begun playing more, but sis just got divorced so now he''s with his dad on the weekends. We have neighbor kids and they like to come and play with JT. He started preschool this year (one morning a week) and is doing very well with the other kids. He hasn''t had any problems with behavior or anything. We also go to story hour at the library once a week where he gets to socialize. I think with an only child you really have to make time for socialization whereas a child of many automatically gets it. I also think it''s important to realize what "spoiling" limits you have and make a point not to give into them. It seems with just one kid, it''s easy to do it "just once." And, sharing, taking turns, etc has to be started at home with mom and dad. Even if you don'' t want one of the M&M''s, a turn on the swing, etc, take it. The first way kids learn these things is by doing them regularly. You''re the only one they can do it with.


As a side note, I think people generally expect only children to be spoiled or snotty or rude. It seems your child has to be even better behaved than other children in the eyes of strangers.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I''m an only child and I guess you don''t miss what you never had! I never thought about wanting a sibling, I don''t remember ever feeling that I wanted one as a child. I lived in a street with other children round about my age, so I had plenty company growing up.

My daughter is likely to be an only child (well, that''s the plan anyway). She really enjoys the company of other children, and I''ve noticed that she''s made a lot of developmental progress since she started going to DH''s workplace creche. She''s also really happy to play with her toys and chill out at home, so I''m happy that the balance is good. Not a lot I can do about it though, so that''s good!

 

[elrohwen]

Something PP's post made me think of: I think only children tend to have a strong sense of fairness, which can sometimes work against them. With a sibling, you often have to do things that are "unfair" - give a toy to a younger sibling just because they're younger, for example. As an only, everything is fair because you're dealing with reasonable adults, not unreasonable kids. I think I tend to get more upset when things in my adult life aren't "fair", such as how I'm treated at a job. Other people tend to roll with it, but I can get upset that people aren't being reasonable and fair, in my opinion.

This can be good, because as a manager myself I believe I would be extremely fair to my employees. However, I think it works against me because I expect others to always be fair in their treatment of me, which isn't always the case.

I think being an only also makes me more sensitive - I take criticism more personally than other people. However, I think this has a lot to do with my innate personality as well, since I've always been sensitive. But as an only I had sensitive parents who took that into account; if I had siblings they probably would've toughened me up.

ETA: I'm also less tough physically with other people. In pre-school, a kid was hitting me every day. My mom, who had two brothers she fought with as a kid, said "Just hit him back and he'll stop!" and I was so shocked at her suggestion. Lol. I had no idea how to hit someone! She actually made me practice hitting her. Hahaha. Even now, DH will try to wrestle with me and I'll have none of it. He'll get together with his sister though and they'll still have slap fights

I just never learned how to roughhouse. This isn't a good or bad thing, just a funny story I thought of.

 

[appletini]

I am an only child and growing up I was very lonely. It would have been great to have a sibling to play with. DH is the oldest of three and I am just fascinated by the relationship he has his with his sisters.

On the flip side I am a very indpendent person because it has always been me. But due to so many years of having alone time, "me" time is still something that I must have. It was nice not having to share things growing up and I was spoiled but still would have preferred a sibling. Plus the burden of family drama and dependencies does fall completely on me.

 

[Laila619]

Ditto appletini. I am an only child and hated it, it was quite lonely growing up. I envy people who have siblings. I used to pretend my dolls were my sisters, lol. When I got married, I wished so badly I had a sister to be my maid of honor or a brother to be a groomsman. You really miss out on things like that.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Great topic Pandora! I am interested in this too. DH and I have a 16-month old son and it''s likely that he''ll be an only child. I was diagnosed with a rare blood clotting disorder over the the summer and have been advised by three doctors that another pregnancy would be extremely risky for me. It was an unexpected diagnosis and DH and I were planning on TTC when our son turned 1 but that''s all on hold for the foreseeable future.

I really worry that DS will grow up to be a lonely, spoiled, self-centered child that doesn''t know how to make friends or share. It stresses me out already. DS goes to a home-based daycare part-time since DH and I both work by necessity and we recently bought a house and there are several kids on our street that are around DS''s age. DS is a social child and loves his friends at daycare - it''s soo cute to see them playing together and I hope he carries that skill with him as he gets older and goes to school.
As much as I worry about DS being an only child, I also sometimes wonder if I could handle another. I''m the first to admit that I''m not the most patient person in the world and as of right now I just cannot imagine having another child in the house. I don''t know how our twin mommies do it! To be fair, however, DS is a spirited child and he''s a handful even for DH who is a natural-born father.

Personally, I have one sister and we''re just about 1.5 years apart and we usually got along growing up. There were some fights and sometimes lots of tears but for the most part we got along. Our differences became more obvious as we got older. I''m the older sister and matured much faster than she did and that''s apparent even now when we''re in our 20''s. My sister is the baby and was/is much more spoiled than I ever was. My parents bought her everthing she wanted, including a horse, gave her a new car when she was 16 and paid all of her bills (except college tuition) until she graduated from college and got a real job. My sister still lives at home, rent free. She has no idea how much time/energy/money it takes to live on your own.

DH comes from a large family. He has 5 siblings, his mom is one of 14 and his dad one of 6. On the surface it appears that all of DH''s siblings get along, but there''s some animosity there that comes out every now and then. DH''s family is strange to me - his parents both worked and his dad was in the Navy. Basically, his dad was/is an absent father and is not close to any of the kids. DH''s mom is nice but favors some of the kids more than others. My dad, on the other and, was involved in my life and my sister''s life and although my sister will always be the favorite it''s something that I''ve come to accept.

 

[ladyciel]

Date: 11/18/2009 6:26:02 PM
Author: vespergirl
I have siblings, but my best friend and SIL are both only children. I think that there are definitely pluses to being an only - lots of parental attention and resources, getting along with people of all ages, maturity from just being around adults a lot, etc.


However, I do have to say that both of these women who I''m very close to (I lived with my best friend for 5 years and have known my SIL for 15) have a personality flaw that I don''t even think that they''re aware of - they very much expect the world to revolve around them - it doesn''t even occur to them to think of other people''s needs as well as their own. I don''t mean in an extreme, bad, or constant way, but more along the lines of, say, showing up late to things all the time, expecting other people to do things for them, using other people''s things without asking permission, having to always be the center of attention, etc. Again, not in a malicious way or anything, but it''s like it doesn''t occur to them to consider how other people might feel about certain situations, only their own needs.


I''m not saying at all that all only children have this trait, and truly the two women I know are lovely, wonderful people, but it''s just something that I''ve noticed consistently about them that I haven''t noticed as much with my friends who have siblings - it''s sometimes harder for them to live with other people in a way that people with siblings know how to live with their peers.

What Vesper described is something I too have observed among my "only-child" friends. I think anyone who has an only child would do well as a parent to really try and push concepts like communication, consideration for others, and sharing. With siblings around, these are ideas and manners that the parents HAVE to teach if they want anything resembling civility in the house. As a sibling I learned how to collect desires/opinions from others and then find a compromise that could make everybody happy (or at least reasonably so). When I played with my "single-child" friends this was a skill I sometimes felt they lacked. There was never any compromise - just one extreme (me me me) or the other (tell me what to do). In one case it was almost like my friend''s parents tried to teach her manners of hosting - I''d be at her house and if we were trying to make a decision it was usually "you have to pick because you''re the GUEST" - but she didn''t have the patience to talk and make a decision as a team.

 

[trillionaire]

I''m not an only, but I wanted to add a few thoughts.

My sister is 4 years younger than me, but grew up very spoiled. She went to a babysitters by herself and was the center of attention (even coined her famous phrase "Only me!"), she played by herself a lot when she was young, and can still be a brat now and throw a tantrum. She still gets away with murder at age 23. There are three siblings in my family, so having siblings does NOT mean that you won''t be a spoiled kid. On the flipside, she is really only that way with our immediate family. She is uncommonly sweet, nice, patient and generous with everyone else. Very responsible, mature and level headed. I am in the middle, and my brother is a year older. Having siblings is very special, and we (bro and I) used to run around the house chanting about wanting another sibling (my dad''s idea, since he wanted another child), and I have fond memories of being 3 years old and sooooo excited about my little sister that was on the way. We weren''t really close until we were 10 and 14, but mostly because we both had friends our own ages to play with until we moved to another state. Now, my brother and sister are my dear friends, and we laugh until we can''t breathe whenever we are together. It''s indescribable. And I am so excited to get married to have MORE siblings, and to go on sibling trips together, and when my siblings get married, I imagine that I will just be over the moon with excitement! I love big, warm families, which is ironic, because I don''t want kids. I really enjoy adult relationships, and kids are fun, but I prefer the adult part.

My FBIL and FSIL have a 5 month old baby, and a 7 year old son. That baby LIGHTS UP when she sees her brother, and gets so excited, and the feeling is mutual. I think it was very hard and isolating for the 7 year old being an only, and I am very happy for him that he will have a little sister to grow up with. He is very spoiled and demanding of attention, and not very well socialized as a young child. I''m hoping that he will improve and that he and his sister will be close.

I think that a child being spoiled and unbalanced has everything to do with parenting, not their sibling circumstance. Pandora, I think your DD would much rather have a safe and healthy mother than be an only child with only one parent. Part of parenting is protecting your child, which in your case, means taking care of YOU and YOUR health!

 

[4ever]

My SO is an only child.

Growing up he wanted siblings but was ok without, I think mainly he just wanted a friend that was always on his side as he got bullied alot at school. His mum was a stay at home mum so he did get alot of attention and she has always done alot for him such as cooking him seperate meals if he didn''t like what she and his dad were having, washing and ironing his clothes when he was home (he was in the airforce but came home for a few days every couple of weeks), buying him clothing and underwear and socks all of which she was still doing when I met him in his late 20''s. I think bacuse of this he does expect to be looked after alot and for me to do alot of the stuff his mum used to.

He moved out of the country to live with me and I think that has been tough because he''s an only child. He''s used to talking to his parents all the time and is very close to them so I know it''s been hard. He feels guilty about leaving them alone when they''re in their 60''s and feels like he should be there to look after them and worries that somthing bad will happen and he won''t be there. He is going to have a very hard time this Christmas as he''s never not spent Christmas with his parents.

He also has alot of good personality traits that I attribute at least partly to being an only child. He''s very friendly, confident and outgoing and has no proplems making new friends or having friendly chats with strangers where as I grew up with the safty of two siblings to keep me company and find talking to new people really difficult.

I don''t think their is anything wrong with being an only child, it''s not going to screw them up but like anything in life it would probably have an effect on their personality.

 

[Pandora II]

Thank you all for your comments and insights.

A lot of you have raised the issues that worry me: not having someone to vent to when you ''hate'' your parents as a teenager, feeling that you don''t have someone to share memories with, responsibility towards parents etc

I''m not too worried about the spoilt brat side as we may well decide to send her to boarding school which tends to give a sibling-type experience.

My family members tend to be very opinionated and meal times used to descend into major discussions on political issues which meant that you had to learn to argue your case and compete against 5 other people to be heard - we all enjoyed it, but I remember some friends being a tad overwhelmed when they were over for lunch and were expected to join in! I worry that she will miss out on that kind of thing.

It''s such a hard decision. I really don''t know how I would cope with more than one child and I don''t think that I should have a second unless it''s for the same reasons that we had Daisy: DH says that we ''had a bear shaped hole in our lives'', and it really felt that way. If we have another it should be like that not to provide company for the existing child.

My mother has a fear that if something was to happen to Daisy that I would be left with no children and the part of my life as a ''mother'' would come to an abrupt halt. I do see that, but again it''s not a good reason to have another little person!