One Family Wedding? A follow up to MY FMIL IS SATAN

[DiamondSmitten]

Many of you read months ago that I was pretty sure I genuinly hated my FMIL. We saw my in-laws the first weekend in January with his extended family for a late Hanukah. About a week later all hell broke loose and the FMIL said some aweful things to both me and the FI and we stopped speaking to her all together. My FI continued speaking to his Dad and we both spoke to his sister as they chose to stay out of it and not choose sides. We even went out to dinner for his sister''s BDAY on March 3rd. He didn''t want to go but I said our "beef" wasn''t with his sister but rather his mother so we should go to celebrate for her. Dinner wasn''t that aweful but some stuff came up about a week later (second week of March or so) she said some aweful things about him/us again, I got upset, and put up an "away message" which has the Dixie Chicks song Im Not Ready to Make Nice. CHILDISH, I KNOW, but I was upset and she seems to think I should kiss her feet. Well his sister (24y/o and how I met her brother as we were friends in HS) saw it, and instead of continuing to not choose sides she cut me off. She blew me off for lunch and cut off all contact without explanation. I mentioned it to my FI and he asked her about it, she replied about me not respecting her mother etc etc. He wrote her explaining out very NOT innocent their mother was and that if she couldn''t stay out of it or at least see both sides that it would be the end of the relationship between the two of them. This was 3/20/2007. She chose the latter option and now neither of us are speaking to any members of his immediate family. SO my question, we already have a hall booked,can we have a one family wedding? Has it been done? Does it work or is it awkward? The worst part is I genuinly love his extended family. His aunts and uncles, cousins etc, NTM his grandmother is pretty much AMAZING. Is it possible to have a wedding with THOSE loved ones of his? I am losing my mind, I NEVER wanted this type of a relationship with future in laws. I grew up hoping for a great relationship with a FMIL etc. So stressful. I CAN"T imagine having his mother who hates me and thinks I am SO aweful at my WEDDING as she will either be drunk and fake pretending she is so happy for us, or drunk and talking shit about me and my family (which BTW she actually did at my own brother''s bar mitzvah). Either way it will surely shit all over "OUR BIG DAY". Please tell me a wedding without his parents and satan in training of a sister, or there is another alternative.

 

[candctroll]

My first wedding was basically a one family wedding. He had his brother as best man and a fried of his from work in the bridal party. Their two spouses came and that was about all for his side. We had a total of about 90 guests though.

I have a huge family!

It would be nice if his family could get over the pettiness and move on but if not go ahead and have the wedding and remember that it is your day...not theirs.

 

[Gypsy]

I would invite them and let them be the ones who decide not to attend. I wouldn''t want to put myself in a situation where anyone would be able to point to me and say, "She contributed to the problem."

I would want to make sure that I had done my duty, and that I couldn''t be accused of anything at a later date. But that''s me. Even if they showed up and made a ruckus... well, that would reflect badly on them, not on me and my conscience would be clear.

 

[onedrop]

What a hellish situation to be in. I truly, truly feel for you. I had to delete everything I wrote because I just read the part in your post about the FMIL being drunk at the bar mitzvah. My initial reaction is no don''t invite the in-laws. Based upon her actions FMIL doesn''t want to be there and will not be on her best behavior. Obviously I don''t know her but based on your post she seems like the type that is waiting for a public situation to air dirty laundry. And she basically uninvited herself so I think I still say...go forward w/o inviting the in-laws. Do you think FI''s extended family will show even if the immediate family is not invited?? I am sure they are well aware of FMIL "issues" and may understand why FI''s immediately family is not there.

Either way it''s a tough situation. Somehow I feel like you or FI may feel *incomplete* with none of his family at your wedding.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 3/27/2007 6:50:46 PM
Author: Gypsy
I would invite them and let them be the ones who decide not to attend. I wouldn''t want to put myself in a situation where anyone would be able to point to me and say, ''She contributed to the problem.''

I would want to make sure that I had done my duty, and that I couldn''t be accused of anything at a later date. But that''s me. Even if they showed up and made a ruckus... well, that would reflect badly on them, not on me and my conscience would be clear.

Ditto.

 

[cellososweet]

i just wrote this reply and there was a communication error. arrrgh. . . sorry dear. . .this might be a double post.

i have the MIL from hell. i promise. she takes the cake, eats it, and craps it out on everyone else''s mother in law. i swear. she''s not only racist, she''s deluded as well. charming (eat the sarcasm) we are having a wedding next year (already married, long story). they know that if they don''t keep their mouths shut that they won''t be invited. we are inviting only those people who have been openly supportive of our relationship, because that is what the celebration is about anyhow. everyone is entitled to their (deluded *hmmp*) opinion, but we have made sure that they know that they are not allowed to shove it down others throats and that nobody wants to hear it. If they can''t stop being so disrespectful and rude, they will not be invited. period. and they know this. they also know that if they continue this and still decided to show up the day of (because i know she''ll try this), they will be kindly escorted out by security. His extended family is invited. Some of mine is and some of mine isnt'' (not for bad reasons, but because we have to have rules: ours is no kids. so that''s a lot of my family). The other rule is no open racists. Sounds funny, but it''s true. Big hugs to you in this. In laws are such a pain in the ass sometimes. and it''s ok to genuinely dislike someone. there''s no rule that you have to like her. just don''t say anything negative about her. i know this is hard. but, with mine, i''d love to be like: "Honey. . .you''re mother is a flaming beast from hell and sometimes i imagine her accidentally falling out of a window." but. . i don''t. as much of a beast as she is, she is still his mother. i just keep it simple, "i''m sorry your mother is being this way. it must be hard on you." Then i vent elsewhere. haha. i''m glad your FI is being supportive. hang in there. and about the wedding. . .do what you damn well please. tell her the rules. if she doesn''t follow them, it''s her issue. and if people at my wedding ask why the beast isn''t there, we will gently tell them that my husband, me, and her had a disagreement and that she could not accept our relationship. therefore she wasn''t invited. succint enough. *hugs*

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 3/27/2007 6:50:46 PM
Author: Gypsy
I would invite them and let them be the ones who decide not to attend. I wouldn''t want to put myself in a situation where anyone would be able to point to me and say, ''She contributed to the problem.''

I would want to make sure that I had done my duty, and that I couldn''t be accused of anything at a later date. But that''s me. Even if they showed up and made a ruckus... well, that would reflect badly on them, not on me and my conscience would be clear.

I like Gypsy''s approach. Take the high road, be above reproach yourself. So unless have good reason to believe that FMIL would actually go so far as to disrupt your wedding, invite her. If she chooses not to go, it''s her problem. Then any issues with the rest of the family should go away.

And to be honest, my first reaction was that as awful as your FMIL sounds, you''re not helping matters by demonizing her and FSIL.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 3/27/2007 5:52:53 PM
Author:DiamondSmitten
FMIL said some aweful things. Dinner wasn''t that aweful but some stuff came up about a week later (second week of March or so) she said some aweful things about him/us again....I am SO aweful at my WEDDING

Correct spelling :"awful". Not trying to be snotty -- just have seen you use it many times in the past & in this post.

Good luck with the family situation!

 

[Siamese Kitty]

DS- I''m really sorry you''re having problems with your MIL, but I can''t agree with the advice not to invite her or her daughter to the wedding. I''m speaking from experience-after a fight between my SIL and my mother, my mother was not invited to my brother''s wedding and I was taken out of the wedding at the last minute and disinvited for speaking up about it. Tensions run high during a wedding-especially for certain personailty types and mixes of personality types. I pleaded with my SIL and brother to reconsider the situation with my mom since marriages (hopefully) last a lifetime, but these disputes won''t. I encouraged them, as I do you, to think long-term. Are you sure you''ll *hate* her as much in 10 years as you do now? And (please don''t be mad!) from my standpoint, if you were my FSIL going around saying you hated my mom (as people do talk) and being antagonistic, I would have a problem with you, too.

Anyway, fast forward to my brother''s and SIL''s 9th month of marriage. So far, we''ve all mended fences, had Christmas together, and taken a family cruise. I 100% accept this is who my brother married, but deep down, I''ll never forgive being left out of his wedding day. I''ve never been as sad, or seen my mom as sad, as the day we sat at our kitchen table knowing that he was getting married at that very moment and we weren''t there.

And I''m not one to hold grudges. I know he feels really bad, too, and I suspect it is a tense topic between the two of them also. But I don''t bring it up-I love my brother and want him to be happy.

BTW-Just another drama factor. If your FILs live in a town where everyone knows everyone, people WILL talk about their absence at the wedding if you decide to go that route. And they won''t just be talking about your evil FMIL.

This is all just food for thought; I don''t mean to criticize in any way....

Keep us posted and good luck.