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Okay... so this is the funniest thing I''ve read in a LONG white.

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Gypsy

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Colonoscopy - Hysterical! (But not completely clean humor)



If you''ve had one you''ll understand and if you haven''t, your time is coming.





This is from newshound Dave Barry''s colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn''t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ''HE''S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!''

I left Andy''s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ''s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn''t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don''t want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn''t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ''Dancing Queen'' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ''Dancing Queen'' had to be the least appropriate.

''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. ''Ha ha,'' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ''Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
 

pocahontas

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OMG Gypsy, I''m laughing my freaking a$$ off! Seriously, I''m in tears here! My mom''s had a colonoscopy and this was pretty much her experience as well
 

Regular Guy

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Been there, yep.

Nailed it.
 

Blair138

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OMG I am cracking up so hard I''m crying-totally forwarded that to my dad, he had a colonoscopy a few years back...
 

Gypsy

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When I hit the bit about the vodka, I thought my sides would split.

Happy you guys enjoyed it as much as I did.
 

bebe

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Oh my gosh, that is sooooo funny.
And it reminds me to make my appointment.... uhhhg.
 

Upgradable

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I had to read this to hubby. He just went through this less than a month ago, although the delectible treat he had to drink was called GoLitely (I know the pharmaceutical company gave a gold star to the team who came up with this name!). He was a little disgruntled that Dave Barry skipped out on the #1 most humiliating moment of the entire process...... being encouraged to publically evacuate the excess air that was pumped into his colon during the procedure. Yes, he had to publically fart for the entire team! Remember, he had just undergone a 24 hour cleansing process, so his confidence in their assurances that "there is only air in there" was weak. I tell you, I had a jolly good time during the entire process though!!
 

movie zombie

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for mine i was given a gazillion pills which i had to swallow in batches at prescribed times with lots of water........too bad the after effects couldn''t have been kept on a schedule.......they tell me i get to do this again in3 years even though there was nothing in there......i think they are out of their minds if they think i''ll do this again.

mz
 

Cind11

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Oh my goodness!!! I don''t think I have ever laughed so hard! I just had a colonoscopy a month ago. I am supposed to have one every 3-5 years because my sister has had polyps. I did the MovaPrep for the first time since the usual prep I had done in the past was pulled off the shelf for some reason. It had to be the most vile tasting stuff I''ve ever had the displeasure to drink. I was getting chills and feeling like I had to vomit by the end. My problem is I have been told I have a very redundant colon meaning it has lots of twists and turns. So, I always wake up in the middle of ithe procedure in um, let''s say some amount of pain! I was so proud of myself for scheduling it and getting the awful thing over with since I technically had until April to schedule it. I envy all the people who say they sleep through the entire thing! Well, at least I could laugh at that journal.
 

Fly Girl

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Date: 3/18/2009 11:42:40 PM
Author: Cind11
Oh my goodness!!! I don't think I have ever laughed so hard! I just had a colonoscopy a month ago. I am supposed to have one every 3-5 years because my sister has had polyps. I did the MovaPrep for the first time since the usual prep I had done in the past was pulled off the shelf for some reason. It had to be the most vile tasting stuff I've ever had the displeasure to drink. I was getting chills and feeling like I had to vomit by the end. My problem is I have been told I have a very redundant colon meaning it has lots of twists and turns. So, I always wake up in the middle of ithe procedure in um, let's say some amount of pain! I was so proud of myself for scheduling it and getting the awful thing over with since I technically had until April to schedule it. I envy all the people who say they sleep through the entire thing! Well, at least I could laugh at that journal.
Same here, Cind! I have a few extra turns, and I woke up during the procedure, so I got a double dose of anesthesia. I received lots of extra air to evacuate, as well. And, here I was wondering beforehand exactly why I was going to need an entire day off from work. Besides needing to sleep off all the drugs, there is all this air bleeting out of you during the rest of the day. They never did explain about that ahead of time.

Hubby had his this year, and his was really easy compared to mine. Just like Dave Barry describes.
 

Cind11

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Date: 3/18/2009 11:49:42 PM
Author: Fly Girl

Date: 3/18/2009 11:42:40 PM
Author: Cind11
Oh my goodness!!! I don''t think I have ever laughed so hard! I just had a colonoscopy a month ago. I am supposed to have one every 3-5 years because my sister has had polyps. I did the MovaPrep for the first time since the usual prep I had done in the past was pulled off the shelf for some reason. It had to be the most vile tasting stuff I''ve ever had the displeasure to drink. I was getting chills and feeling like I had to vomit by the end. My problem is I have been told I have a very redundant colon meaning it has lots of twists and turns. So, I always wake up in the middle of ithe procedure in um, let''s say some amount of pain! I was so proud of myself for scheduling it and getting the awful thing over with since I technically had until April to schedule it. I envy all the people who say they sleep through the entire thing! Well, at least I could laugh at that journal.
Same here, Cind! I have a few extra turns, and I woke up during the procedure, so I got a double dose of anesthesia. I received lots of extra air to evacuate, as well. And, here I was wondering beforehand exactly why I was going to need an entire day off from work. Besides needing to sleep off all the drugs, there is all this air bleeting out of you during the rest of the day. They never did explain about that ahead of time.

Hubby had his this year, and his was really easy compared to mine. Just like Dave Barry describes.
Wow! I guess I''m not the only one then. Everyone always tells me how the procedure itself is no big deal. Um, no. LOL.
 

Clairitek

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Dave Barry was the first humor columnist I ever read and truly enjoyed and I haven''t read his stuff in such a long time! Thanks for reminding me how funny he is.

I was laughing so hard that I couldn''t even open my eyes reading this. Took me a long time to get through it! I must say that Emma (my cat) is definitely wondering what is wrong with me.
 

somethingshiny

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OMG! ROFLMAO! I''m cutting and pasting this to everyone I know!

I am literally muffling my sobs because I''m laughing so hard, my eyes are blurred with tears. I''ve never seen a more accurate account of a colonoscopy!

Thanks so much!!
 

kama_s

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Haha, good read! I''ve had a gastroscopy...which is similar, except the tube goes up->down instead of down->up (*phew*). I remember counting backwards 10-9-8-7....and then waking up an hour and a bit later!! Coolest. Experience. Ever.
 

FrekeChild

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Date: 3/18/2009 11:07:42 PM
Author: Gypsy
When I hit the bit about the vodka, I thought my sides would split.

Happy you guys enjoyed it as much as I did.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mom used to read Dave Barry''s stuff religiously. I loved this one though...
 

jcarlylew

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this is great!!! and he is totally right about the gowns. i do feel more naked with those on (than naked alone).
too funny!!
 

monarch64

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Date: 3/18/2009 11:14:59 PM
Author: Upgradable
I had to read this to hubby. He just went through this less than a month ago, although the delectible treat he had to drink was called GoLitely (I know the pharmaceutical company gave a gold star to the team who came up with this name!). He was a little disgruntled that Dave Barry skipped out on the #1 most humiliating moment of the entire process...... being encouraged to publically evacuate the excess air that was pumped into his colon during the procedure. Yes, he had to publically fart for the entire team! Remember, he had just undergone a 24 hour cleansing process, so his confidence in their assurances that ''there is only air in there'' was weak. I tell you, I had a jolly good time during the entire process though!!
I''m familiar with GoLitely--I remember my dad talking about that stuff. He is a colorectal cancer survivor and he had a ton of colonoscopies done. He got to where he would stay awake and watch what was happening on the monitor while he had them done.

It is great to have some humor and publicity about colonoscopies, I think it really helps people to be less frightened by this procedure. I wish I had been able to show this to my dad when he was going through all of his treatments! I will print it out today, though, and let him read it this weekend. I''ve seen it before in an email but forgot to show it to him. Thanks for posting this Layla!!!
 

AmberGretchen

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Yeah, I''m with you on the bit about the vodka - very funny stuff, although definitely gross as well
 

swimmer

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Thank you! Forwarded this to my uncle who is nervous about going in for his soon. Understandable, but this is really a great PSA.

hugs gypsy!
 

ksinger

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Yeah, a friend of mine just turned that magic age of 50 and was quite apprehensive (he''s admittedly the world''s biggest baby: NEVER had to do anything but a yearly checkup before age 50, when several things happened, of which this is just one). Someone in the office sent it to him, and he sent me the first line or 2 of it. He was highly annoyed when, even though I hadn''t read it, said, "That sounds like Dave Barry." He''d never read him before but I had, and he does have an unmistakeable style. Has anyone read his piece on "The Lord of The Rings" movies? I''m a LOTR fan and I thought I''d cry I was laughing so hard. Just go here.
 

FrekeChild

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Yay! More Dave Barry!!! Thanks Karen!!!
 

rainydaze

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oh Gypsy, that was hysterical! my cheeks are damp.... DH went through this last year and DB nailed it! can''t wait to see DH''s reaction when he reads it!
 

:)

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Haha - that was great. The vodka is a new one to me. Hmm. Must store that away.



Date: 3/18/2009 11:14:59 PM
Author: Upgradable
I had to read this to hubby. He just went through this less than a month ago, although the delectible treat he had to drink was called GoLitely (I know the pharmaceutical company gave a gold star to the team who came up with this name!). He was a little disgruntled that Dave Barry skipped out on the #1 most humiliating moment of the entire process...... being encouraged to publically evacuate the excess air that was pumped into his colon during the procedure. Yes, he had to publically fart for the entire team! Remember, he had just undergone a 24 hour cleansing process, so his confidence in their assurances that ''there is only air in there'' was weak. I tell you, I had a jolly good time during the entire process though!!
That has always been my precise thought about the name of that prep. Someone with a very evil sense of humor came up with that one!
 

Gailey

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Actually, Mr Gailey said that the first 50 ft were the worst, but even that was a breeze by comparison with the med student giving him a prostrate examination! Poor lamb.
 
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