OK, OK...I'm selfish!

[TravelingGal]

No point to this, except just to share with my favorite PS mommas.

TGuy and I recently made the decision to be a one child family. Now, let me say to all you moms who have 2 kids (or want them) that I have no doubt that if I had two kids, I would think it's the best thing ever. I love my child and certainly have room in my heart for two!

Anyway, so we've been talking about it here and there and letting people know the "non-news." The results have been really interesting to me...

Only one friend (one of my "real" closest friends) shrieked and hugged me, exclaiming "CONGRATULATIONS!" No surprise she only has one child by choice.

The rest have gone something like this.

The short version:

Me: So we decided that one child will be it for us.
Them: Well, if that's what works for you.

The long version:

Me: So we decided that one child will be it for us.

The Spanish Inquisition (TSI): Why did you decide that?

Me: I just don't want another one.

TSI: But why is that?

Me: The thought of being pregnant makes me physically ill?

TSI: That's the reason?

Me: There's lots of reasons. Life is very balanced right now. Amelia seems happy. My marriage is great and we are falling in love with each other all over again. I had toxemia at L&D and my chances of getting it again are pretty high. I feel blessed to have one healthy child. And I think that we could give Amelia a good life with lots of opportunities.

TSI: But don't think Amelia needs a brother or sister?

Me: She hasn't asked for one.

TSI: C'mon seriously. You don't think Amelia will be lonely and that she'll want someone to play with?

Me: Maybe, sure. Is that a good enough reason to have a child? I mean, how often do YOU talk with your siblings? I love mine, but I talk to him once a month. My friends are who I go to for support and camaraderie.

TSI: But you're such a good mom...you should have another.

Me: I'm not going to be a good mom if I shoot myself because I'm miserable.

TSI: It's a short time to be miserable. Think of all the benefits later. You wouldn't regret it.

Me: I know I wouldn't. But you know what? I want a life! I like my life! I like to travel, and I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a train. I like to work. I like socializing with friends (without our kids!) I like getting away with just my husband, which is easier to do to my mom with one kid - she is 70 after all. I like being a woman who happens to also be a mom.

TSI: But think of Amelia.

Me: OK, look, I guess it boils down to the fact I'm selfish. I have my life to live too, and I don't want to push it back another 3 years.

TSI: (Looking dubious, but unable to argue with a selfish person.)


Anyway, I totally get where my friends are coming from...they want me to be happy and Amelia to be happy, and they think two children will help that. What I find kind of funny about the conversations I'm having is that reasons like being afraid about toxemia (and premature birth) or being happy to be blessed with a healthy child seem to be objections that can be overcome by debate. But everybody just shrugs and stops if I say I'm a selfish person. And I find it interesting that I have to get to that point before people have nothing to say!

And you know what, I think that's normal. If I were to be honest, before I made this decision, I would have thought having only one kid was kind of selfish too. In fact, after I've made the decision, I'd have to say that it *must* be selfish because I'm not thinking entirely of Amelia, but I'm thinking of myself a lot too! Kind of strange to think that mothers are supposed to be these wonderful, selfless beings, but in the end, thinking of our life as it is (and not that Amelia might enjoy a sibling), and wanting it to stay that way won out for me.

Since I know some of you are thinking of being a one child family, I thought I'd share my experience. I think we still live in a society where a one child family is somewhat pitied: Either because the parents couldn't have them for logistical reasons (fertility, age, finance, etc) or because the parents are selfish beings and want it that way. If you want to have one child, it seems you're easier to understand if you fall into the former category.

 

[TravelingGal]

Oh, one last thing to those who are thinking of having one child, but haven't made the decision...

The scariest thing is not what other people say (although I am sure you know that). The scariest thing is the very palpable fear of regret.

If a child happens, most don't worry about regret. They worry about a zillion other things, like how they are going to be the best parent they can be and all that comes with it. Same goes with 2 or 3 children, I suppose. Regret may come later, but usually early on, not so much.

The fear of regret always happens for something you DON'T do. Since I've never regretted anything in my life, I find myself in uncharted territory!

 

[Allison D.]

Hehehe - that inquisition sounds unsurprisingly similar to the one I get when I disclose our choice not to have children at all.

For some reason, people want to treat as deficient anyone who doesn't fall into line with wanting multiple children. If you don't want at LEAST the standard "2 kids and dog" that are assumed to make a family, there must be something wrong with you.....something you haven't considered that would change your mind if only you thought about it. Laughable. Isn't it interesting, though, that parents are seldom questioned when they decide to have 3 or 4 kids, or more?

I love children, so my decision not to have any was made with tons of consideration and thought, and I feel it's the right choice for me.

For what it's worth, Tgal, I'm thrilled for your decision and think that people who suggest you're somehow shortchanging A are WAY off the mark. It's not a given that sibs will be close; I haven't spoken to my sister in more than five years and don't wish to. Many of my friends have relationships with their sibs that barely rise to the 'obligatory contact at holidays' level. (Let me also note that in most of those relationships, one sib yearns for a closer relationship and is often repeatedly hurt the other doesn't also want that.)

However, I have two girlfriends who ARE family to me, and I DO mean family. We spend holidays together often, see each other quite frequently, and can count on each other no matter what. The relationship I have with each of them is the relationship I envisioned having with my sister one day.....but it just didn't work out that way.

I find it interesting that no one chooses to acknowledge the other side of the coin. As a one child family, it's likely you'll be able to more frequently swing travel with Amelia that might be harder to afford (and logistically accomplish!) with two children. You'll have more time for her events (soccer, basketball, etc) as she grows, and perhaps more abilities to have her friends join her on family outings. Those are all positives!

I know you've spent a long time contemplating what's right for you, and I'm delighted you've arrived at at choice that makes you feel at ease. Yay!

 

[TravelingGal]

Hi Alj, thanks for your thoughtful reply.

Let me say again here that generally, I do think having more than one child is (dare I say it), better in the scheme of life. I don't know why I say this...but just having one makes me think having more give my love to is a wonderful thing.

I guess I share this because it's not a decision I came to easily and I appreciate a lot of my PS FB moms supporting me. It's still a tough decision. And yes, it's even a painful decision that I'll admit hurts. Somehow (even though you are sure of your decision), at the end of the day, it's so hard not to feel inadequate. People's responses such as the one I posted above don't help the situation either.

We can all make pro and con lists of having one, none, or a dozen. And while I don't want to start that debate, if anyone is interested in specific reasons that helped us finalize this decision, I'm happy to share.

 

[sbde]

No point to this, except just to share with my favorite PS mommas.
TSI: C'mon seriously. You don't think Amelia will be lonely and that she'll want someone to play with?

Me: Maybe, sure. Is that a good enough reason to have a child? I mean, how often do YOU talk with your siblings? I love mine, but I talk to him once a month. My friends are who I go to for support and camaraderie.

interesting conversation - i don't think you're being selfish btw. I think it's great that you've been able to make a decision that works best for your family. You've obviously given this a lot of thought and weight the pros and cons before deciding that you are done with one. amelia is a lucky girl.

the bolded part of your convo above is actually my main reason for having a second baby. i'm super close with my siblings even though we live in different countries, and speak with them almost daily on the phone or online/text. they are the ONLY people i go to for support and camaraderie during trying times, and my friends are who i go to for more fluffy/trivial issues. of course, this isn't to say that my children will end up being just as close as i am with my siblings, but it's the only example i have to go by and i would really hope my kids experience it.

 

[Mara]

I think that whole adage about having a 2nd for the 1st or giving the 1st a sibling or whatever is ridiculous. Maybe my own experience colors it but I have 2 sisters and only actually like and talk to 1. She and I are very close.. I have 2-3 good friends who have the same situation.

When our parents got preg with 2 and 3 they were thinking of a 'big family' experience/environment and sure you can maybe force that when little but when the kids grow up it would suck if you had kids for each other and they don't even LIKE each other or interact together. Take care of each other in the future? Not so much.

The only reason we'd absolutely decide to have a 2nd or a 3rd or 4th or whatever would be because we felt like our family was not 'complete' without more kids. That we would all feel as though our whole family was lacking or missing something without another child or three.

The way we feel right now is that is not the case. So I don't see it happening. Sure I disliked being pregnant and having my body be out of my control and was so happy when J came out--but if we absolutely decided we wanted another baby I'd do it again. Everything is 'tolerable' if you want the outcome badly enough.

Ditto A too that of course you hear the same thing about not having kids. Somehow for whatever reason people who have differing ideas of what 'ideal' is always take offense when you deviate from the norm. Personally I feel like having siblings for the kids is an old fashioned idea of a big family and always being there for each other. Nowadays people are scattered and everyone is busy with their own thing.

 

[TravelingGal]

No point to this, except just to share with my favorite PS mommas.
TSI: C'mon seriously. You don't think Amelia will be lonely and that she'll want someone to play with?

Me: Maybe, sure. Is that a good enough reason to have a child? I mean, how often do YOU talk with your siblings? I love mine, but I talk to him once a month. My friends are who I go to for support and camaraderie.

interesting conversation - i don't think you're being selfish btw. I think it's great that you've been able to make a decision that works best for your family. You've obviously given this a lot of thought and weight the pros and cons before deciding that you are done with one. amelia is a lucky girl.

the bolded part of your convo above is actually my main reason for having a second baby. i'm super close with my siblings even though we live in different countries, and speak with them almost daily on the phone or online/text. they are the ONLY people i go to for support and camaraderie during trying times, and my friends are who i go to for more fluffy/trivial issues. of course, this isn't to say that my children will end up being just as close as i am with my siblings, but it's the only example i have to go by and i would really hope my kids experience it.

sbde, it is the ONLY reason I would consider having a second one. And I've thought about it a lot.

There are just so many factors in life, you know? Like in Alj's situation where she isn't close. My go to person is my husband. My brother's go to person is his wife. We are both SO lucky that we are in happy marriages and can get strong support there. But what if one is having a hard time in his/her marriage...where does s/he go? Variables, variables, etc etc.

My brother is SUPER into his wife. I mean, just entirely devoted. There is no doubt as to who holds the #1 spot in his life and heart. But one thing that made me realize where you can't beat having a sibling is when my dad died. No matter if the siblings get along or not, only a sibling will understand how you lived your life, and your history.

We were by my dad's bedside when he passed away. My mom and I on one, brother and SIL on the other. My mom was in grief and crying over my dad when he took his last breath. I broke down. For the first (and only) time in my brother's life, he left his wife and came over to me and we just sobbed together. I cannot tell you how very blessed I felt at that moment to have a brother who knew all the emotions I felt (and not all of it grief).

I've weighed that moment against so many other things when it came to making this decision, so suffice it to say, definitely a strong reason and not an easy decision!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

If someone told me that they had decided to have only one child, I would ask them their reasons - not because I care or have an opinion, but because I figure they wouldn't bring it up if they didn't want to have a conversation about it. I would ask for elaboration, regardless of the topic.

friend: I decided that orange is my favorite color.
me: Oh really? What made you decide that?

I also tend to bring up alternative view points in conversation just to add some interest. So I might bring up the missing sibling issue or whatever. However, I would also bring up points in support of their choice as well in a lengthy conversation. I would definitely be supportive though! I can't imagine having a negative opinion about this issue unless maybe I was a grandparent and wanted more grandkids? You don't want to have more kids? Great! more resources for my offspring!

 

[TravelingGal]

If someone told me that they had decided to have only one child, I would ask them their reasons - not because I care or have an opinion, but because I figure they wouldn't bring it up if they didn't want to have a conversation about it. I would ask for elaboration, regardless of the topic.

friend: I decided that orange is my favorite color.
me: Oh really? What made you decide that?

I also tend to bring up alternative view points in conversation just to add some interest. So I might bring up the missing sibling issue or whatever. However, I would also bring up points in support of their choice as well in a lengthy conversation. I would definitely be supportive though! I can't imagine having a negative opinion about this issue unless maybe I was a grandparent and wanted more grandkids? You don't want to have more kids? Great! more resources for my offspring!

OK, I have to say this isn't entirely true. When you have one kid, you'll find the number 1 question one gets is when they are going to have #2 (or if they are). Over, and over, and over and OVER again. An announcement of the decision can be simply to put an end to the relentless question!!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Haha, I totally understand making that announcement to people in general, but since I am not the type of person to ask people directly when and if they will have more kids (or when they will get married or when they will *fill in the blank*), I don't think anyone would tell me specifically that they aren't having kids unless they were starting a conversation. It's not that I don't care, and I certainly love discussing important choices with my friends and family when THEY bring it up, but I don't like being another source of pressure so refrain. That's just me though.

I think the hardest one for me to shut my mouth on is when I know friends are trying to conceive. I want to ask so badly how things are going, but I don't want to stress them out if things aren't going great... so I just bottle it up and then explode with congratulations and joy when they finally make the announcement that they are pregnant.

 

[packrat]

I don't think it's selfish, I think it's unselfish to be looking to the big picture and your family unit as a whole, rather than just "maybe Amelia would like a sibling" cuz maybe Amelia would like a pony next year or to be a fairy princess the year after, and the decision to have another baby is a bit bigger than asking a 2 year old (I can't remember how old she is) what they want. After London, I didn't want any more kids for a long time-she was almost 3 1/2 when Trapper came along, and that was b/c we decided we were a 2 kid family. We thought for the longest time we were a 1 kid family. It's too bad people can't figure out that not every family is a cookie cutter family.

 

[Allison D.]

There are just so many factors in life, you know? Like in Alj's situation where she isn't close. My go to person is my husband. My brother's go to person is his wife. We are both SO lucky that we are in happy marriages and can get strong support there. But what if one is having a hard time in his/her marriage...where does s/he go? Variables, variables, etc etc.

My answer to this would be, I'd go the same place I go now to share my JOYS.....to my two Tinas, the girlfriends who ARE my family. I certainly wouldn't go to my sister; she doesn't know me and she's incapable of any substantive emotional connection.

Three years into my marriage, Rich and I had a disagreement that was major and unlike any other disagreement we had. There were considerable hard feelings for the better part of a week, and I felt as though our relationship had possibly absorbed a blow that would have long-term repercussions. The person I called when this happened? Tina 1, who herself had been married at that time for nearly 20 years. She dropped everything to meet me for coffee at 10:00 one night and help talk me through it, and her counsel was immeasureable. She acted as a sister would....and far beyond what my own sister could.

No matter if the siblings get along or not, only a sibling will understand how you lived your life, and your history. ........I cannot tell you how very blessed I felt at that moment to have a brother who knew all the emotions I felt (and not all of it grief).

I have to somewhat disagree with this; a sibling will not always understand how you lived your life and your history. My sister's recounting of our childhood doesn't resemble mine in any way. Her anger over parts of our environment growing up prevent her from acknowledging ANY of the good things....and there was a wealth of good. My sister has been equally unemotive and distant from my parents in our adult years. There is positively no way my sister would be able to empathize at ALL with the range of emotions I'll feel when I lose each of my parents because she doesn't know them as adults; she's not had the relationship with them that I've had or experienced the closeness. The ones who will know? My Tinas, who've each not only lost family member they were incredibly close to but have actually been witness to my close relationship with my parents as an adult. At this point, I'd feel nothing but offended if my sister thought to show up then.

For all she knows about me, my sister may as well have grown up in the house next door to me. The fact that she did grow up in the house with me doesn't even guarantee that we have a shared recolletion of how things were. I say all of this only to point out that sib relationships can be incomparable WHEN they work....but merely being sibs doesn't make it a given.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am an only child and I am perfect in every way, so clearly you don't have to worry about doing some big disservice to Amelia by opting not to have another kid.

I too have always found the "selfish" argument sort of silly. Having another child is no guarantee that it will benefit Amelia, it could hurt her id the secodn child has a lot of needs that detract from Amelia's quality of life, or if you are not as good a parent for Amelia with two as you would have been with one. Selfish can apply to either choice in my opinion.

I think people want you to make the same lifestyle choices that *they* make because it validates their own choices. At our cores, we all like validation of our decisions.

I would like to know the tipping point for your decision, TGal, if you are willing to share. Being the nosy parker than I am.

 

[TravelingGal]

I am an only child and I am perfect in every way, so clearly you don't have to worry about doing some big disservice to Amelia by opting not to have another kid.

I too have always found the "selfish" argument sort of silly. Having another child is no guarantee that it will benefit Amelia, it could hurt her id the secodn child has a lot of needs that detract from Amelia's quality of life, or if you are not as good a parent for Amelia with two as you would have been with one. Selfish can apply to either choice in my opinion.

I think people want you to make the same lifestyle choices that *they* make because it validates their own choices. At our cores, we all like validation of our decisions.

I would like to know the tipping point for your decision, TGal, if you are willing to share. Being the nosy parker than I am.

I'll be back in a little over an hour...time to take a break and feed the kid lunch. But let me get some coherent thoughts together and get back to you.

Did want to stop by and agree that you're perfect in every way though.

 

[junebug17]

Just a few thoughts I had on your post TG...I've never understood why people care so much about another person's life choices. My goodness, what's it to anyone else how many children you have? You have every right to decide how large a family you want, and it just kind of bugs me that others feel compelled to almost argue with you on your decision. I don't think you're being selfish at all, everyone has the right to live their own life. You have valid reasons for your choice, and I think it should be respected, not questioned. Bottom line - it's really nobody's business!

And there's no guarantee that siblings will grow to be close, or view their family life the same way as they get older. In fact, I'm currently having the opposite situation where my siblings are causing me to feel very stressed and upset, to the point where I am thinking about seeing a therapist about it because I'm at a loss as to how to deal with it.

ETA: I meant people in real life when I referred to people who seemed to be arguing with you, not posters to this thread!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

I'm an only child...my mom never regretted having another. In fact, at times, she'd tell me she was glad she had the time to focus only on me. I DO think a lot of her reasoning was it was also better for her. Less stress, more free time (my mom was very artistic and would spend hours working on projects).

I do think that some parents will judge you for only having one b/c they're jealous of the more free time you have. lol Seriously! My parents recieved tons of flack for only having one.

Now a days though, NONE of the moms I know have ever talked bad about someone who only has one. Times have changed. At least around where I live.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

And there's no guarantee that siblings will grow to be close, or view their family life the same way as they get older. In fact, I'm currently having the opposite situation where my siblings are causing me to feel very stressed and upset, to the point where I am thinking about seeing a therapist about it because I'm at a loss as to how to deal with it.

ETA: I meant people in real life when I referred to people who seemed to be arguing with you, not posters to this thread!

Oh, just to add. . .on my dad's side there was him, 2 brothers and 2 sisters. Five kids. They fought like crazy. Funny thing is three of them had only ONE kid and the other two didn't have any!

 

[janinegirly]

I'm not so sure people's responses to your decision is so selfless either or even purely about their concerns for Amelia. The bottom line is people are fiercely oppinionated about issues close to home because they essentially want everyone to validate THEIR own decisions. If all your reasoning makes sense to them, then they would start to question their own choices. I believe you are unusual for putting so much thought into this--many people just go through life checking off milestones that have been dictated to them as what is desireable in order to be considered "complete/successful" etc. Marriage, 2 kids, 1 dog, 2 cars, live in 'burbs, don't travel, save for kids' college or put everything on credit to compete with Jones' and retire and then die. If someone comes along and shows a reasonable alternative (or an independent streak), then be ready for the attacks! Really, people should only offer their opinion to you if you ask for it, but after you've made your decision, why keep going down the "but why?" path? Your decision is made and it is your own.

Now I'm not saying the above (having 2 kids,etc) is NOT desireable, it is for many reasons. But it doesn't guarantee familial bliss and sometimes the crusade towards what is perceived as ideal can lead to disappointment for all. Also don't know that regret is only an issue when it's over a choice not made. I think regret can also come from making the wrong choice and looking back and questioning how life would have been different otherwise. And regret is particularly painful if you realize you made a choice that was not truly your own.

PS Curious who TSI is....wondering if this one of the friends you mentioned in the past

 

[Dreamer_D]

Marriage, 2 kids, 1 dog, 2 cars, live in 'burbs, don't travel, save for kids' college or put everything on credit to compete with Jones' and retire and then die.

Goodness, when you itemize milestones like this it makes life seem so short and, well, lame, doesn't it? Remind me never to do that for my own life, I feel like I am on the freight train to the grave since having a kid anyways, I don't need more reminders!

 

[junebug17]

I'm not so sure people's responses to your decision is so selfless either or even purely about their concerns for Amelia. The bottom line is people are fiercely oppinionated about issues close to home because they essentially want everyone to validate THEIR own decisions. If all your reasoning makes sense to them, then they would start to question their own choices.

I agree with this so much I wish I had written it.

 

[Allison D.]

I'm not so sure people's responses to your decision is so selfless either or even purely about their concerns for Amelia. The bottom line is people are fiercely oppinionated about issues close to home because they essentially want everyone to validate THEIR own decisions. If all your reasoning makes sense to them, then they would start to question their own choices. I believe you are unusual for putting so much thought into this--many people just go through life checking off milestones that have been dictated to them as what is desireable in order to be considered "complete/successful" etc. Marriage, 2 kids, 1 dog, 2 cars, live in 'burbs, don't travel, save for kids' college or put everything on credit to compete with Jones' and retire and then die. If someone comes along and shows a reasonable alternative (or an independent streak), then be ready for the attacks! Really, people should only offer their opinion to you if you ask for it, but after you've made your decision, why keep going down the "but why?" path? Your decision is made and it is your own.

Now I'm not saying the above (having 2 kids,etc) is NOT desireable, it is for many reasons. But it doesn't guarantee familial bliss and sometimes the crusade towards what is perceived as ideal can lead to disappointment for all. Also don't know that regret is only an issue when it's over a choice not made. I think regret can also come from making the wrong choice and looking back and questioning how life would have been different otherwise. And regret is particularly painful if you realize you made a choice that was not truly your own.
PS Curious who TSI is....wondering if this one of the friends you mentioned in the past

I emphatically agree with every.word.written in this super insightful post by Janine, especially those bolded.

 

[TravelingGal]

First a few points to clarify...

I know regrets happen for things you DO do, but what I meant is generally when people look back, they tend to regret the things that didn't do. Nearly always, regrets happen for things you really wanted to do, but didn't.

Secondly, I agree with the validating choices thing. Part of the reason I didn't want to have another is my age. Well, as it happens, I made my decision as another friend just announced she's pregant. She's 40 with a 4.5 year old currently. I'm being careful as I know while she's happy, she is nervous about having a kid at 40 for many reasons.

Third, Alj, good point about sibling and parental passing away. Never thought of it that way. I guess I was going by the assumption that both kids were treated the same, but forgot that perception is more important than intention.

Be back in a sec....

 

[jas]

I think you misspelled "selfish" in your title.

Try "t-h-o-u-g-h-t-f-u-l" (see also: "a-w-e-s-o-m-e")

 

[TravelingGal]

OK, Dreamer, here's my answer to your question.

Again, disclaimer: this are MY reason as it pertains to my personality, my family, and current situation. I think the point made about validating decisions is a good one and I hope I don't offend anyone. These are just the reasons lately that tipped me over the edge.

TGuy and my general personality is that we are introverts. Spending time with anyone, even the kid, after a prolonged period of time is very draining. All energies come from within, vs from a group.

So this being said, my #1 reason for having only child is:

My marriage.

I was never going to get married or have a family. I just wasn't interested. I was going to be traveler, a pursuer of hobbies and die alone in a (hopefully nice) nursing home. This idea appealed to me, don't ask me why.

But I fell in love, and am glad I did because I found Pricescope (hahaha!) Seriously, when I got married, it was because I loved this person and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and NOT because I wanted to have a family. At all.

It's a fact of life. Put another person in the picture, and everyone's piece of the pie gets smaller. From *my* group of social friends, I do see a couple of couples who manage more than one kid really well and still have time for a great marriage. But honestly, more of what I'm seeing is marriages start unraveling when #2 comes along. Several have told me one felt manageable. Two became an issue. Of course, these marriages probably all had issues in the first place.

I really enjoy my marriage. It has had ups and downs. During the downs, I definitely did not want to have another child. And during the ups, go figure - I felt the same! I want to cultivate my marriage every step of the way. We have date night every Thursday without fail. I look forward to the day when Amelia (again hopefully) goes away to school. I want to look at my husband 15.5 years from now (yes, I'm counting) and be happy that we've grown together - just the two of us- along the way, and not that the kids made us do things together.

And the other reasons..............

Get Me Away From This Child!

I admit it. I'm happy to get away from the kid. And I'm happy to do it more than the average mom should admit! Not to say it can't be this way with more than one kid, but what I see a lot of is the strategy of "Divide and Conquer." In order for parents to deal with the load, it's often one parent take one kid and do this, while the other two go do that. On my recent trip to Hawaii, I went with another family and they were great (kids were awesome). But I saw a lot of this and it does not appeal to me AT ALL. I thoroughly enjoyed the one family benefit of "Pass the Kid and Make a Run for It." Selfish? Yeah, but with our personalities, we need it in order to stay happy and sane. I really enjoyed that Amelia was in the water with TGuy and I got to take pictures, or just let my mind go blank and enjoy the view. TGuy enjoyed the swims by himself where he got to lay on his back in the water and stare at the sky. We both enjoy the SILENCE. And while it wasn't the vacation that I would have envisioned pre-kid, it somehow managed to be a little bit of the right vacation for everyone. Which leads me to reason #3.

Travel.

Based on my moniker, no secret my passion is going places. Hands down easier to do with one kid. With the kid or without. I also look forward to traveling later in life when the kid is gone. Having another one would cut into finances more, and postpone that later life travel by 4 years.

Space and resources.

Sadly, this is a factor in LA. We can certainly make do in the place we have, but it would be a lot more crowded (and messy!) We didn't realize how miserable we were until we moved from an apartment to here. Having room to get away from one another has made quality of life a lot better.

Childcare is also an issue. I feel very fortunate I can work from home. I have a nanny I really like now and my mom has helped out too. But my mom is 70 now. She has no intention of helping my brother when he has kids as much as she's helped me (traditional Korean mentality that my SIL's mom should help her out) so I'd like to give her a break by not having more, otherwise she feels obligated to help because she loves me.

Happy Woman = Happy Mother = Happy Wife = Happy Marriage = Happy Famly = Happy Child.

Maybe all of these reasons are directly a bit selfish. Hopefully, indirectly, they will be positive for my child. While I can't be "on" all the time, Amelia gets the best of me when I'm with her because I feel relaxed, balanced and love the fact that I get to have a life too that has nothing to do with her. It takes a lot out of me to be the mom, career woman, and wife that I want to be. I've never been the type of woman who as long as her domestic cup floweth over, she can feel happy even though some other cups (friends, work, marriage, etc) aren't full. My key to happiness is a lot of smaller cups that have to balance out. This is just me. Yes, my biggest cup is my family, but it's simply not my only cup.

I guess someone might look at these reasons and think, boy she thinks about herself a lot. And I'd say, sure...it seems like I definitely do! But it is what it is, and what it is is that *I'm* the glue that holds this family together in many, many ways. It's a daily mission, and sometimes a challenge to ensure I won't fall apart.

Or maybe I'm just a giant wimp. Hats of to every mother, whether it be of one or (especially) more!

 

[TravelingGal]

Just a few thoughts I had on your post TG...I've never understood why people care so much about another person's life choices. My goodness, what's it to anyone else how many children you have? You have every right to decide how large a family you want, and it just kind of bugs me that others feel compelled to almost argue with you on your decision. I don't think you're being selfish at all, everyone has the right to live their own life. You have valid reasons for your choice, and I think it should be respected, not questioned. Bottom line - it's really nobody's business!

And there's no guarantee that siblings will grow to be close, or view their family life the same way as they get older. In fact, I'm currently having the opposite situation where my siblings are causing me to feel very stressed and upset, to the point where I am thinking about seeing a therapist about it because I'm at a loss as to how to deal with it.
ETA: I meant people in real life when I referred to people who seemed to be arguing with you, not posters to this thread!

I'm sorry to hear this Junebug.

 

[Allison D.]

I think today's landscape is much friendlier to only children than it was in the days when I grew up, too.

In the early 70s, more households consisted of multi-children families and often just one working parent and one family car. This didn't leave a lot of surplus resources for costly activities outside the home, so kids ended up entertaining themselves with their sibs, and only sibs very acutely felt the absence of their own playmates.

Today, two-parent working families tend to mean disposable income for things like hockey lessons, baseball camps, and other activities that give singletons the chance to socialize with other kids. The prevalence of singletons is much more common, too, so there is less anxiety in feeling somehow different from others. The advent of setting playdates has made it much less isolating to be a single child, too.

When I was a kid, very few kids I knew went to preschool; today, it's almost always a given. Preschool fills in opportunities to learn about social behavior that normally happened mostly within families such as how to share, how to be considerate, etc.

 

[chicagolawyer]

Thank you for posting this TravelingGal. I'm a super long-time lurker (think 2005) and this prompted me out of my shell. IMHO you couldn't be more right on track with your own (very personal) decision. Its not selfish, its reality.

It seems like you've thought a lot about the decision, and as a result have determined what will work best for you and TGuy, regardless of what others think.

Having kids and how many to have is a very personal, individual choice. Sadly other people (mothers, fathers, grandparents, friends) influence the decision so much. Ultimately, however, the couple must deal with the consequences and joys once the choice has been made -- both the decision whether to have kids at all, and how many kids to have once the first has been born.

It is very refreshing to hear from a mother that one is enough for fulfillment. I think too often people just fall into line and say "Oh, of course I'd love more kids and to give X a sibling" etc., etc., without any real thought about impact it will have on their lives w/r/t finances, ability to travel, ability to keep the relationship together, ability to care for existing family members, individual personalities, etc., etc.

Thank you, and again, please mothers, I encourage you to post your actual, real life opinions. It is an inspiration to all of us. I crave real, true sources of information about real parenthood. Sadly, I think they are few and far in between.

OK, Dreamer, here's my answer to your question.

Again, disclaimer: this are MY reason as it pertains to my personality, my family, and current situation. I think the point made about validating decisions is a good one and I hope I don't offend anyone. These are just the reasons lately that tipped me over the edge.

TGuy and my general personality is that we are introverts. Spending time with anyone, even the kid, after a prolonged period of time is very draining. All energies come from within, vs from a group.

So this being said, my #1 reason for having only child is:

My marriage.

I was never going to get married or have a family. I just wasn't interested. I was going to be traveler, a pursuer of hobbies and die alone in a (hopefully nice) nursing home. This idea appealed to me, don't ask me why.

But I fell in love, and am glad I did because I found Pricescope (hahaha!) Seriously, when I got married, it was because I loved this person and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and NOT because I wanted to have a family. At all.

It's a fact of life. Put another person in the picture, and everyone's piece of the pie gets smaller. From *my* group of social friends, I do see a couple of couples who manage more than one kid really well and still have time for a great marriage. But honestly, more of what I'm seeing is marriages start unraveling when #2 comes along. Several have told me one felt manageable. Two became an issue. Of course, these marriages probably all had issues in the first place.

I really enjoy my marriage. It has had ups and downs. During the downs, I definitely did not want to have another child. And during the ups, go figure - I felt the same! I want to cultivate my marriage every step of the way. We have date night every Thursday without fail. I look forward to the day when Amelia (again hopefully) goes away to school. I want to look at my husband 15.5 years from now (yes, I'm counting) and be happy that we've grown together - just the two of us- along the way, and not that the kids made us do things together.

And the other reasons..............

Get Me Away From This Child!

I admit it. I'm happy to get away from the kid. And I'm happy to do it more than the average mom should admit! Not to say it can't be this way with more than one kid, but what I see a lot of is the strategy of "Divide and Conquer." In order for parents to deal with the load, it's often one parent take one kid and do this, while the other two go do that. On my recent trip to Hawaii, I went with another family and they were great (kids were awesome). But I saw a lot of this and it does not appeal to me AT ALL. I thoroughly enjoyed the one family benefit of "Pass the Kid and Make a Run for It." Selfish? Yeah, but with our personalities, we need it in order to stay happy and sane. I really enjoyed that Amelia was in the water with TGuy and I got to take pictures, or just let my mind go blank and enjoy the view. TGuy enjoyed the swims by himself where he got to lay on his back in the water and stare at the sky. We both enjoy the SILENCE. And while it wasn't the vacation that I would have envisioned pre-kid, it somehow managed to be a little bit of the right vacation for everyone. Which leads me to reason #3.

Travel.

Based on my moniker, no secret my passion is going places. Hands down easier to do with one kid. With the kid or without. I also look forward to traveling later in life when the kid is gone. Having another one would cut into finances more, and postpone that later life travel by 4 years.

Space and resources.

Sadly, this is a factor in LA. We can certainly make do in the place we have, but it would be a lot more crowded (and messy!) We didn't realize how miserable we were until we moved from an apartment to here. Having room to get away from one another has made quality of life a lot better.

Childcare is also an issue. I feel very fortunate I can work from home. I have a nanny I really like now and my mom has helped out too. But my mom is 70 now. She has no intention of helping my brother when he has kids as much as she's helped me (traditional Korean mentality that my SIL's mom should help her out) so I'd like to give her a break by not having more, otherwise she feels obligated to help because she loves me.

Happy Woman = Happy Mother = Happy Wife = Happy Marriage = Happy Famly = Happy Child.

Maybe all of these reasons are directly a bit selfish. Hopefully, indirectly, they will be positive for my child. While I can't be "on" all the time, Amelia gets the best of me when I'm with her because I feel relaxed, balanced and love the fact that I get to have a life too that has nothing to do with her. It takes a lot out of me to be the mom, career woman, and wife that I want to be. I've never been the type of woman who as long as her domestic cup floweth over, she can feel happy even though some other cups (friends, work, marriage, etc) aren't full. My key to happiness is a lot of smaller cups that have to balance out. This is just me. Yes, my biggest cup is my family, but it's simply not my only cup.

I guess someone might look at these reasons and think, boy she thinks about herself a lot. And I'd say, sure...it seems like I definitely do! But it is what it is, and what it is is that *I'm* the glue that holds this family together in many, many ways. It's a daily mission, and sometimes a challenge to ensure I won't fall apart.

Or maybe I'm just a giant wimp. Hats of to every mother, whether it be of one or (especially) more!

 

[Jennifer W]

Interesting how we're either selfless or selfish. No middle ground?

I am a purely selfish person, so if I'd wanted another child or other children, I'd have had them and found a way to justify that. I didn't have them, which means that deep down I didn't want them, rather than the other way round. In big decisions, I'm motivated purely by selfishness, whether I want to be or not, that's how I am. I'm comfortable with that, and my child will be just fine without a sibling. I wouldn't give that another thought. The only thing that sways me slightly is how much I loved having a new born, but I think I'd crave that however many children I had.

No one ever asked me if I was having a second child irl. No one ever asked if I'd have a first child, come to think of it. I don't seem to invite that sort of question, I'm a fairly private person in a lot of ways. And rude to people who annoy me, I'm told. That might have something to do with it - certainly makes my life nicer, though!

 

[Maria D]

My husband and I have been married for 21 years and we have one child, a wonderful 17 year old daughter. We always knew we wanted only one child. All three of us enjoy our family life -- and it is very much "family life" even though we are a small family. My only regret is not having been the first to shout THIS!!, THIS!! to Janinegirly's post!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Hmm... now I think maybe I should only have one kid too!

I feel all the same things you do, TGal, and my personality is a lot like yours it sounds. One difference is that my husband is an extrovert and seems to be quite tireless in his enjoyment of our son. At this point in our lives, I actually think DH does the majority of the hands on childcare on a daily basis, and thank goodness because I do find much of it to be fairly draining in a way that he does not. He then goes away with his friends or goes golfing and I do large chunks of childcare, which maybe balances. But maybe not. It is funny, because I am an organizer/caretaker by nature. But right now, I feel like I care for my husband (organize his life, do our finances, offer support, love him) and he does the rote childcare stuff that wears me down -- he wakes up in the morning with Hunter, does brekkie and all that while I, well, sleep most often.

I feel guilty sometimes about our arrangement, but then my husband will hug me and tell me what a wonderful wife and mother I am? I think I have him fooled