Offended

[Jewels305]

This is a long vent/rant

I am so hurt by my FF parents right now. He and I both still live at home with our parents (we are both 23). This past Monday was his mother''s birthday so I went to his house on Sunday and made a really nice dinner for the whole family. His mother was appreciative, his father wasn''t... well I''m used to that by now.
Flash forward to today. Tomorrow is my father''s birthday. I told FF that I really would like him to be at my house for the small party we''re having for my Dad. He and his father have season tickets for soccer, and this means that he will have to skip the soccer game that is tomorrow night, but FF feels that''s the right thing to do. So he told his father that he wasn''t going to go to the game because he was coming to my father''s birthday, and his father got mad about it. Both his parents said that he could have told us that he already has plans that day. He got upset and told them that I had cooked a nice dinner for his mother''s birthday, and he felt he should be at my father''s party. Then they started asking why he wasn''t refereeing many soccer games on the weekends this summer. He told them that he only has 2 days off a week and he wants to use those days to relax and see me.
These same arguments happened last summer. When he didn''t do a soccer game because he wanted to be at my college graduation, they told him he was being irresponsible. Then this past winter when his *boss* at work told him to leave and come see me because my grandfather passed away, his parents called him and told him that he shouldn''t have left work because work needs to come first. um, ok...

He has told them that he is tired of them second guessing the decisions that he makes. He feels that he is old enough to decide such things on his own, and I have to agree. He told them yesterday that the more they question the decisions that he makes, the more he is going to close himself off from them. He''s getting to a point where his only option is going to be to move out, but we were hoping to wait until I am done with grad school for that. I just dont know if he''s going to be able to make it 2 more years there.

I am just so offended.

I feel like they blame his "poor decision making" on me, and think I am a bad influence. Our relationship is difficult enough because we can only see each other 2 maybe 3 days a week. My parents are very supportive; he has an open invitation to stay at my house whenever he wants. I have only stayed at his house twice in a year and a half.

I don''t know what to do. No one in that family communicates, so I don''t feel like I can even sit down and tell them how my feeling are hurt. I am supposed to go to his house tonight, but I told him I don''t want to see them right now. However, it''s impossible not to see them. How am I supposed to act civil when I am so upset?

 

[decodelighted]

You are offended ... but everything they''ve said & done has been to HIM. IMO, it''s *his* problem to work out with *his* parents. You can''t change the way his parents act toward *him* or what they think of *him*.

Why is he even telling you details of what his parents say to him? Re: the coaching etc ... He wants an ally but it''s driving you crazy & something YOU CAN''T CONTROL. Does he want to be "rescued" from them??

I think it''s just growing pains & natural separation. Only it''s hard to seperate when you''re STILL LIVING IN THEIR HOUSE.

Time. To. Go. -- or put up with their meddling. You really can''t have it both ways. And YOU certainly can''t be the negotiator, peacemaker ... you''re the "problem" as far as they''re concerned! HE has to manage HIS OWN parents, stand up for HIMSELF.

 

[Independent Gal]

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time! I agree that his parents are not being very supportive of his decisions or of your relationship with each other, and that is a difficult thing to deal with.

That said, I'm going to be "parents' advocate" for a second. I really think your boyfriend should consider moving out. If your boyfriend wants to be treated as a grown-up, then moving out does seem to be the logical thing to do, aka, acting like a grown-up. If you move back in with your parents and ask them to support you after college, you are essentially asking them to provide for you like they would for a child. Essentially, you're acting like a child - expecting someone else to put a roof over your head and food on the table.

Now, of course there are situations where this makes sense - perhaps if you're still in school (like you, Jewels) and can't work, or if you can help your parents by paying rent or caring for a sick relative or soemthing. Then if parents are happy with it, why not? But in that case, you still have to sort of expect to be treated like a child "my house, my rules" type thing. And it sounds like your boyfriend is CAPABLE of supporting himself on his own, he just doesn't want to because he wants to save HIS money.

There may well be more to the situation....? But I'm not sure he can really criticize them for treating him like he's too young to decide things on his own until he acts his age: makes his own living, runs a household (even if it's a studio apartment!)

Sorry if that sounds harsh! I still think his folks sound really misguided. So, why still be under their influence? MOVE OUT!

ETA: And I agree with Deco that it's his and his parents' problem primarily. Not yours. Even though it affects you of course.

 

[TravelingGal]

Well, first of all, acting civil when you are upset is something we all have to do as adults from time to time.

Secondly, why should you be upset that you''ve only stayed in their house a couple of times? His parents are obviously not your parents, and you can''t expect them to be. Maybe they just don''t want you stay over because it makes them uncomfortable for whatever reason. Their house, their rules.

Which brings me to the third thing. I agree with the other posters...time for your man to move out.

It''s too bad that no one in that family communicates. But what is important now is that you and your bf communicate and figure out a way to make this work. I hope you feel better about this soon!

 

[Nicrez]

Sounds like they are treating him like the child they maybe wish he still was. I have a feeling they are resentful to you for bringing about that change in him. I don''t even think it''s personal, you sound so darling I can''t even imagine it being personal... But I think his father is used to having his "buddy" and son around and used to making decisions for him. Now suddenly his priorities diverge and marraige and having a significant relationship is changing those priorities.

I would suggest he move out if possible. But also if that is NOT possible, I would suggest that you all sit down and talk it out. Maybe his parents have some valid points, and maybe yours will come out in such a talk. They need to see that the growth of their son is inevitable, and that although he and his priorities are changing that they will be included but not the the extent they used to be. Maybe they just need to see that and hear how mature their son has become. If you can help them see your point of view and frustration, perhaps they will be more understanding...

Good luck, hang in there, he seems to be making all the right decisions and I applaud him for being so mature at such a young age. Good luck!!!

 

[cara]

You shouldn''t expect his parents to magically morph into your parents. Don''t expect them to invite you to stay at their house, or to communicate in a manner you are accustomed to, or even to treat your FI as a full adult while he''s still living in their house. This falls into the general category of not expecting other people to change - just change your own expectations and manage your interactions with them.

Given that they criticize him for making decisions that prioritize you in his life, I understand why you are hurt, but you need to try to take a step back from the situation. Your role is really to offer your support to your boyfriend in HIS interactions with HIS parents. He needs to be the one to raise concerns with them, to set limits on acceptable behavior, and to call them on it when they are over the line.

And to move the line of "acceptable" interference, he needs to be more independent. He needs to move out, or offer to pay rent (with an accompanying discussion about allowing you to stay over more), and in general he needs to conduct himself in a more independent way to "earn" his parent''s respect for his decisions.

Last, you refer to him as your Future Fiance - surely you are aware that his parents might not see you that way? If you are that confident and secure in your relationship with him, then you need to project that confidence in your relationship AND start making joint decisions that will advance the two of you together.

For example, yes, long distance is hard in terms of practicalities, but seeing each other two days a week is pretty good for a long distance relationship. I can''t help but notice, as someone who was long distance for several years with my now-husband, that you say that the distance is making difficulties for your relationship. If you want his parents to see you as his life partner, you need to project a rock-solidness to your relationship that even a little distance can''t diminish.

And, and, if this relationship is for forever, you also need to adjust your plans if the distance isn''t working and is causing problems. For me, prioritizing the relationship meant spending a lot on airplane tickets, spending way more time on the phone than I wanted, and not working crazy hours. For you, it might mean changing your plans so that you can live together sooner and don''t both live at home with parents and with distance between you for another 2 years.

 

[curiopotter]

Jewels,

I understand how you''re feeling; I went though something similar with my own family. My parents put a lot of pressure on me while I was dating in the middle years of college, to the point where I started looking for apartments.

Unfortunately, between the few hours I could work between classes, I still wasn''t making enough to move out and live on my own, so I had to suck it up, and deal with it. Looking back on it now, what they did was completely reasonable. My parents pay for my school, and as part of the investment/sacrafice, I have to focus and let nothing distract me. It took a long time for me to realize that my parents ''gift'' to me was being able to pay for my college education AND provide a roof over my head, and everything else I needed to succeed in life. I''ve learned to suck it up, and take the ''When you get your OWN house, you can do whatever you want to do!" lecture, and redirect my frustration and energy into finishing school as quickly as possible.

I hate to say this, but my parents were right. It''s unreasonable to think that his parents are not going to meddle in his life, when they''re paying for a roof over his head (long after his 18th birthday) and possibly other things when they obviously don''t have to. Until he can be completely independent, his parents are going to meddle. And like Deco said, it''s his problem. He has to figure it out, and it''s great that you''re his supporter, but you can''t take it personally. They look at him as an investment.. if he doesn''t work or finish school, he''ll never make it on his own. I don''t think it''s a good idea for you to voice your opinions, because it simply doesn''t involve you directly, and even more so because in their eyes, you''re just a ''girlfriend''.


Until he moves out, nothing will change. He needs to learn to accept their ''gift'' of free rent, or move out.

 

[gwendolyn]

Once he moves out, it''ll be better. They won''t be breathing down his neck, micromanaging everything he does because they won''t KNOW everything he does anymore! My mother was the same way with me. Only got better when I left the house to live out from under her roof.

 

[ulualoha]

Hi Jewels305,

I am so sorry you are in this sort of situation. I too was in that situation before but the difference between your situation and mine is that your FF is sticking by your side and putting his parents in their place. He must really love you!

It is most definitely his situation to figure out even though I know it can be tough to separate yourself from it. I do agree with the other posters though, he should move out. Having that sort of negativity around him 24/7 is bad for him and bad for your relationship. He could get a roommate if money is an issue. As frustrating at this is for you, you have to let him deal with his parents. The best advice I was ever given right before I got married was to treat my future MIL the same way I treat my mom (which is with tremendous love and respect). My new MIL hardly talks, she thinks her son walks on water (and we all know that both people are doing to make mistakes in any relationship), and I have hardly spent any time with her...so it makes it tough to uphold the advice I was given. What I have found though is that tapping into her interests have helped our relationship grow. She loves old movies and recommended a bunch of them. I went and bought them and now I have something in common to talk to her about. Maybe that could be something to try. I am not sure how long you have been in their lives though. I know it may be tough but sometimes it is better to rise above a bad situation (which it sounds like you are doing). I will think good thoughts for you.....

ulualoha

 

[iheartscience]

I just had to echo most of the other posters and say that, at age 23, in my opinion he should definitely move out and live on his own. However, if he''s not ready or willing to do that, I don''t think there''s much you can do.

Also, does the stuff his parents do bother him as much as it bothers you? Because if not, he should just keep what his parents say to himself and not get you so riled up.

For example, why did he tell you his parents said he shouldn''t have left work to see you after your grandfather died? The only purpose that serves is to upset you and turn you against his parents.

I definitely wouldn''t confront his family about any of this...let him do that if he wants to.

 

[Jewels305]

Thank you for all of the responses. I do realize, as most of you mentioned, that this is a problem that he and his parents need to work out together, and that I shouldn''t be involved in the discussion. Unfortunately, he has tried several times to talk to them about this issue, but it continues to happen. We are both well aware as most of you mentioned, that the best option is that he move out. However, at the moment that is not something he can do finincially, though he is working hard to make it happen sooner rather than later. It was also mentioned that he should pay rent, and the fact is, he does. I realize that it is their house and I should in no way expect them to allow me to stay over, but it''s the reason why they are hesitant to let me stay that is an issue for me. But that''s more than I care to get into right now.
Someone also asked if his parents see us as getting engaged and married, as I referred to him as my future fiance... he and I have both told our parents that once I am done with school we will get married, and both his and my parents are happy with that.
In response to the question about why he would tell me that his parents didn''t want him to leave work to be with me after my grandfather passed away... well, he had just gotten to my house when his mother called and I could hear her screaming at him about making the wrong decision. Neither of them intended for me to hear it, but unfortunately he couldn''t walk away from me before I had. He doesn''t tell me these things on purpose, usually I am there when they decide to call and yell at him, or he accidentally says something to me. He would never tell me these things to hurt me or get me angry at them, and I am sure there are other things that he''s chosen not to tell me to spare my feelings.
Anyway, I saw his parents tonight and everything was pretty normal. Don''t worry, the issue of being civil when I am upset is something that I am very familiar with and handle well. His mother was nice, and we talked, and his father said hi and bye to me.
If I were not going to grad school full time this semester and for the next 2 years, the decision would be pretty easy. We would move in together because it''s the easiest way to make it work financially. But he is doing everything he can to save up so that he can move out as soon as possible. Until then we both know that we''re unfortunately going to have to deal with some meddling from his parents as well as mine.

 

[cara]

Yeah, this is tough. Sounds like you and your FF have to stick to your plan for now, and "manage" the rents as best you can. They sound difficult. If he is paying a reasonable rent, and his parents have some reasonableness in them, he might try raising the issue of you staying over more often. But I can see that it might not be worth fighting for, given their overall attitude.

Screaming at him on the phone for leaving work to visit you after a death in the family, that''s classy.

I guess I disagree somewhat with the other posters who say that he shouldn''t share some of his parents hurtful actions and statements with you. There is a certain point to which he should shield you from their deliberately hurtful comments ("My she looks fat in that dress!") and certain extent to which he should be able to share his frustrations with you as you two become a team. Not so you hate his parents, but so you understand his frustrations and are able to buffer and support him and know where he''s coming from and what he is dealing with.

While my husband certainly has years more experience dealing with his parents, it means both that he is sometimes numb to their poor behavior and sometimes more annoyed with them than is really warranted (just as any child can be ridiculously annoyed by his parents). I can try to provide a bit of more outside perspective, and just listen as well.

 

[iheartscience]

I''m glad things were civil when you saw his family. And I know there''s definitely always more to the story than what one can write in a post here, which is obvious in your second post. It''s unfortunate that his parents question him and his decisions so much. I don''t have much advice for that, but I think once he eventually does move out, they''ll accept that he is an adult and maybe not question him so much. Hopefully!

And not to harp on the moving out thing, but is there anyway he can do a sublet or get a room in a house with housemates? I''m not sure how much rent he has to pay his parents, but he could possibly get a room in a house or apartment for not much more money, and if he did a sublet he might not have to put down a security deposit. This would definitely be more realistic if he lives in or near a college town, of course, but he could always check out craigslist.org and see what comes up.

Just wanted to throw some ideas out there, although I''m sure you''ve probably already thought of them! I just would HATE being in his (and your) situation and I would want to move out sooo bad!