Occupation: housewife?

[kelpie]

My sister quit her job to be a homemaker before she was even married or had kids. She is good at it and her BF/husband enjoys the benefits of it. They felt like they spent all night/weekend doing household chores before. I sometimes feel like she is a slug, so talented and well educated but just staying at home caring for it. Having a child a few years later somehow validated her not working. I'm not saying for ALL housewives, but for her because she really didn't get out before and do things like workout, socialize, garden, enrich herself despite the fact that she was only caring for a 600SQFT house. Having a kid keeps her busy and less complacent. I don't think the question is specifically addressing mothers as there is really no choice for parents, someone must care for a small child be it in a daycare or with the parents and people generally choose the option that makes the most financial sense for them.

Oh and I'm moving to Africa in the fall and my job will be: Housewife.

I'm a highfalutin' career lady now but it will be difficult to find a job that pays enough to make it worth my while. Unlike my sister, I'm terrible at being a homemaker which is why I went to work in the first place. I really used to want to be one and we tried it for a few months when we first moved in together after I graduated. I was just lazy and undisciplined about maintaining order, so I went to work so I could hire someone else to clean and have been doing it ever since. I have found that making money is just something I'm far better at than cleaning. Fortunately full time household help in Tanzania is $100/month which is an excellent wage for them. I plan to use this time to pursue my own interests (read: Gems!) and decompress from the 14 hr days I've been doing here.

 

[Octavia]

Anchor, thank you for saying what I wanted to say (if my iPhone hadn't refused to post)...much more nicely than I did. And thank you for apologizing, sctsbride.

As to the original question, I will admit to being a bit judgmental, though I think it has to do with how I grew up. In the area my family lived in, adults worked. Period. If you didn't have a job, had no medical excuse, and weren't retired, you were considered "lazy," whether that was fair or not. I didn't know a single person with a SAHM, except that some mothers did have home-based businesses like hair salons or daycares. This attitude is still quite prevalent there, though it's been tempered a bit by the economy because jobs were always scarce there and the workforce has taken a huge hit in the past few years.

Anyway, it never occurred to me until college that people actually had a parent who didn't hold a job other than caring for their home and/or kids. And it never appealed to me AT ALL until recently, since DH and I have been doing some preliminary talking about our future family and I just don't know if I want a stranger caring for my baby. I don't think I'd mind so much after the first year or two, but I can't fathom going back full-time after the standard FMLA leave. I still don't really want to be a SAHM for very long, and I really don't want to be a "housewife," but I do think I'd like to work part-time if possible. If it works out, it would be at the expense of a career in my field, since it's not known for being that family friendly and "part-time" is usually more like normal full-time hours plus some. But I'm hoping to find something related that still uses my skills and education, when the time is right. We'll see...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Is it perfectly acceptable for a woman to want to be a housewife or do you think that women "should" contribute financially to households?

A stay at home DOES contribute financially to the household. Full time daycare is around $1,000 a month PER child. That does not include the added costs of working outside the home (work clothes, gas, higher tax bracket, etc). For many families, especially with multiple small children, it makes more sense for a parent to stay home.

As for your question, yes, I think it is perfectly acceptable. Actually I think it is none of my business who contributes to anyone's household other than my own

 

[Lauren8211]

I've been temporarily made a housewife since I lost my job a couple of weeks ago. I'm freaking miserable, and its been like 9 days. While this "opportunity" has made me realize I'm not cut out for this, I would not judge anyone who wanted that for themselves. You do what is best for your family! I don't look down on SAHWs or SAHMs. I'm just glad we are able to choose what works best for us and our families.

 

[jas]

Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to close a door, not answer a question, not take care of something that was not in my job description.

I've been thinking about this...I've taken an interesting path for a former East-Coast college-prep/college/post-grad potential-havin' chick. I do fight the raised eyebrows sometimes. Sometimes I fight the urge to drop the letters after my name. For some (it's mostly women, sadly), it's as though there is something wrong/lazy/selfish with this choice. I know some people think less of me, some people assume I'm kinda dumb, kinda hick, kinda boring. I see eyes glaze over when I'm asked what I do. I also know some people think of me as kinda here, kinda wow, (bonus for knowing what commercial is in my head right now) because I am making my dreams happen. I am well aware that I am making it happen is due largely to DH's willingness and ability to support this.

I also wonder if I had had a more fulfilling career pre-baby if I would feel different. I'm pretty sure I would end up where I am, though...i work best from home (mostly) and in my own little career.

I also want to share that if I were to ever need to bring in an income before my dreams start to pay off, I would in a heart beat. The plan is also for me, once my new career takes off, to let DH be the SAHD and he can spend his days fighting the stigma and raising the boys.

 

[Imdanny]

Is it perfectly acceptable for a woman to want to be a housewife or do you think that women "should" contribute financially to households?

A stay at home DOES contribute financially to the household. Full time daycare is around $1,000 a month PER child. That does not include the added costs of working outside the home (work clothes, gas, higher tax bracket, etc). For many families, especially with multiple small children, it makes more sense for a parent to stay home.

As for your question, yes, I think it is perfectly acceptable. Actually I think it is none of my business who contributes to anyone's household other than my own

You're saying it costs money to work (and childcare costs money). Believe me. You don't need to convince of either of those facts.

I was talking about people who expect women to work outside of the home and bring home an income. And to be clear, I was talking about their viewpoint, not mine.

 

[Jennifer W]

Well, it isn't for me. If it works for other people, then that's up to them.

I became a housewife for a few months, between graduating and finding work. It turns out that I don't have the skills. I am bone idle. If there's no pressing reason to put my novel down or turn off my laptop, I won't. I also don't particularly care how the house looks. I do cook all our meals from scratch, but then I always did that, job and kid and all. Being a housewife was not for me, it was a situation designed to lead to boredom and if it had continued, I suspect depression. For me personally, that is. Sure, there was plenty that could have been done, I could have been occupied all day every day, but none of it motivated or interested me - a task that I find boring is more tedious to me that having actually nothing to do.

Neither am I particularly interested in working long hours or devoting my whole being to a job. I need a balance to feel well and to enjoy my life.

At the end of my time of domestic bliss, DH took a couple of days off work to straighten out the house and get caught up with the laundry, which might give you an idea of how truly bad I was at the whole thing.

I have never actually met a housewife irl. Whether it's a valid occupation or not is none of my business, it's up to individuals to decide for themselves, but I do notice that there aren't many at least where I live. Maybe running a house is a dying art. The skills are certainly valuable. If I did have the skills, I think I would market them. Which I suppose answers the question for me at least.

Jen

 

[phoenixgirl]

I recently became a SAHM, so I'll throw out my thoughts, which are kind of all over the place.

I don't think it's right to say that people who put their children in daycare or who have nannies are not the ones raising their children. That's just silly. I think it might be better to say that they're not the ones taking care of their children's needs during work hours.

I confess that I usually judge people who don't work and who don't have children. This secret judgment applies to men and women. I have a couple of girlfriends who always had some excuse (planning a move/wedding, trying to get into real estate, etc.) not to work before they had kids, and DH and I would talk about how that was lame and wonder why their husbands put up with it. That is just me being honest; obviously, if say DH made a gazillion dollars per year and I could only earn $40k as a teacher, I'd probably be able to busy myself with keeping house and not see the stress of my career worth the tiny drop in the bucket financially. But our friends were not in this situation, and it seemed like the lack of a job was just because they were lazy. A further example is that both of these women were always "not feeling well" or "too busy" to attend social events with their husbands when they didn't have kids or a job!!! Too busy!!! All the time!!! This same judgment applied to MIL's soon-to-be ex-husband who lazed about for a year after being released from prison without a job.

My mom stayed at home, so I had more reservations about being a working mom than being a SAHM. My paternal grandmother worked, and I often thought about how my dad turned out OK when I stressing about being away from Claire. Ultimately, I decided it was best for me and by extension best for the family for me to be home, but this wasn't because I was worried that Claire wasn't getting the care that she needed. If I had been able to spend all the time with her and my husband that I wanted after work, to work out and keep the house clean and cook dinner, then I wouldn't have had any problem continuing to work, but I wasn't able to juggle it due to the demands of my job, and that made me unhappy.

 

[princesss]

I also want to share that if I were to ever need to bring in an income before my dreams start to pay off, I would in a heart beat. The plan is also for me, once my new career takes off, to let DH be the SAHD and he can spend his days fighting the stigma and raising the boys.

I love that.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I haven't worked for over 16 years and I could care less if anyone looks down on that... we made sacrifices early on especially having just one income, but I was a preschool teacher years ago and decided I didn't want my kids in daycare. My plan has always been to go back to school when the youngest was in school full time, but my husband's master's program and then a move overseas interfered with that. As soon as I get back to the states it will be almost 19 years since I stopped working and I'll be going to school with my then 18 year old daughter Really looking forward to it! If work comes my way down the road it will be something I will want to do, I'm sure. I would like to have enough under my belt to qualify for medicare just in case - at this point I don't and that is a minor concern.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I also should add that my father was a stay at home dad for my younger brother who just graduated. His wife was in a better position to work than he was and it worked out for them. If two people come to a decision together - that's all that matters in my opinion!

 

[Maria D]

I also know some people think of me as kinda here, kinda wow, (bonus for knowing what commercial is in my head right now) because I am making my dreams happen. I am well aware that I am making it happen is due largely to DH's willingness and ability to support this.

I also wonder if I had had a more fulfilling career pre-baby if I would feel different. I'm pretty sure I would end up where I am, though...i work best from home (mostly) and in my own little career.

I also want to share that if I were to ever need to bring in an income before my dreams start to pay off, I would in a heart beat. The plan is also for me, once my new career takes off, to let DH be the SAHD and he can spend his days fighting the stigma and raising the boys.

kinda young, kinda now, Charlie, kinda free kinda WOW -- I win I win

I never thought I'd be a SAHM. Mostly because I didn't like kids that much. I still don't, but of course fell in love with my *own* kid. Paradoxically, It turned out to be one of the major reasons why I didn't go back to work. As we interviewed nannies (daycare wouldn't work because both DH and I had jobs that went beyond daycare hours) I couldn't wrap my brain around the notion that someone would love my baby. I'd never loved, or even seriously adored, someone else's kid so why would this person I'm interviewing be any different? The other major reason was that we lived in Canada and I got a year's maternity leave. After that I just got into it, I guess. I never did go back to the career I left but I have a different career that I love (doesn't pay as much though).

I feel that my husband's career benefited a great deal from me being a SAHM. If I had continued working, he would not have been able to take on the challenges he did and still have a family with much less stress than if we had been a dual career family. I think this is something that gets overlooked, the fact that a person can have a great career, quality of life, AND family w/children due to the fact that one parent stayed home. That parent is usually the mother, but it doesn't have to be.

In an article in today's NYT, "A Labor Market Punishing to Mothers," http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/04/business/economy/04leonhardt.html?_r=2&hp, it is noted that the last three women nominated to the Supreme Court have been single and childless. The last 3 men had 7 children between them. I don't know for sure, but I'm willing to bet those guys didn't have to arrange their work lives around their wives' careers.

 

[Imdanny]

I've been temporarily made a housewife since I lost my job a couple of weeks ago. I'm freaking miserable, and its been like 9 days. While this "opportunity" has made me realize I'm not cut out for this, I would not judge anyone who wanted that for themselves. You do what is best for your family! I don't look down on SAHWs or SAHMs. I'm just glad we are able to choose what works best for us and our families.

I'm sorry you lost your job and that it's making you so miserable! I wish you the best of luck in finding another one soon.

 

[vespergirl]

I feel that my husband's career benefited a great deal from me being a SAHM. If I had continued working, he would not have been able to take on the challenges he did and still have a family with much less stress than if we had been a dual career family. I think this is something that gets overlooked, the fact that a person can have a great career, quality of life, AND family w/children due to the fact that one parent stayed home. That parent is usually the mother, but it doesn't have to be.

In an article in today's NYT, "A Labor Market Punishing to Mothers," http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/04/business/economy/04leonhardt.html?_r=2&hp, it is noted that the last three women nominated to the Supreme Court have been single and childless. The last 3 men had 7 children between them. I don't know for sure, but I'm willing to bet those guys didn't have to arrange their work lives around their wives' careers.

As usual, I totally agree with Maria here. She brought up a good point about supporting a spouse's career. DH & I have a similar arrangement. At the time that we got married & had our first kid, he was getting his MBA from a top 10 B-school. My career was doing well, but I wasn't in love with it, and it didn't offer the flexible hours I would have wanted to work while having a kid. So, we decided together that I would SAH full time while he was working full time and spending evenings and weekends completing his MBA. His schedule was completely inflexible, so if our son ever wanted any parental contact, I would have to stay home. Since I couldn't work part time, and DH couldn't help with the childrearing at all at that time, I didn't want to drive myself crazy with guilt and fatigue, running around like a maniac to spend only 3 hours a day with my kid, while being stressed out by work obligations at the same time.

Because of our agreement, DH got a huge promotion and raise when he got his MBA (his salary has increased threefold), and his yearly bonuses are now almost equal to what I used to earn in a year. So, we are actually bringing more money into our household since I chose to SAH and support his career. Since I really want to pursue a Master's, and possibly a PhD, we agreed that when Connor is in preschool I will go back to grad school, and at that time we will be able to comfortable afford a nanny to help take care of the kids.

So, one spouse supporting the other's career can be a great thing for the family, both economically and logistically. Plus, I will have the cash for grad school when I'm ready to go back. Since we decided to "take turns", we are all going to achieve our dreams.

 

[nbarker]

well ive been a long time lurker and i think this might be my first post...nice to talk about this

i always knew i would stay at home for the first 18 months (which are paid in canada, 9 mos maternity and 9 months parental which either parent can take) and thankfully health care is free so that's not a concern...i cannot for the life of me imagine going back to work after 12 weeks...i felt like i got hit by a transport after i had my daughter...

i was not expecting to still be home after 3 years...and actually if i did go back to work it would end up costing us money between the gas, childcare costs, work clothes, higher tax bracket etc...and i do get a lot of looks for that...like im sitting on my butt at home doing nothing, but in reality i could be working 40 hours a week and end up with the same amount of money at the end of the month...so why wouldnt i stay home and enjoy raising my daughter? i even had someone who said to me REALLY YOUR A SAHM??? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A WOMAN OF THE FUTURE?!?..A BUSINESSWOMAN?!?..ugh! it was so insulting...

mind you since DDs 3rd birthday at the end of june ive felt the itch to go back...and she seems to be bored of me...she wants to be with other children..playing and doing art and crafts...im just a supervisor now and really someone else could do that...and im really starting to feel like my brain is turning to mush...i keep busy learning stuff online..jewelry was my latest subject and i really do miss the social interaction at work...my friends have moved away or are always busy so im slowly going stupid and crazy from not having any grown up talk...DH is out at work all day, goes out with his friends and plays baseball and umpires...so im always mad that hes gone and hes mad im glued to the computer for girl talk...but reallu you can only go so long only seeing your girlfriends once every 6 months before you go a little nutty

i have to admit ive become the crazy lady that you talk to and wont shut up :S

now onto finances DH and I split the bills 50/50...we each pay our own vehicles, insurance and cell phone bills...other costs that are "family costs" are 50/50...so i have somewhat of a daycare at my place and i clean once a week...and i was fine with the arrangement until my mother said the other day...how come you have to cook all of the meals and clean the house and take care of your daughter 24/7 plus pay the bills 50/50?? when your saving him money by staying home??? all he has to do is work...thats not fair...and idk if its just bc she said it but its made me feel like our arrangement isnt going to work anymore bc i do feel like its unfair...

ok vent over...ty to whoever started this

 

[Dancing Fire]

how much am i worth for being a SAHDad?

 

[Bliss]

I find it funny that anyone would be anything but proud to be a SAHM or SAHW! Growing up in the South, it was seen as a really luxe lifestyle and in NYC, it is the same here. At my gym, there are tons of hot pampered mamas who LOVE being SAHMs. They are well groomed, have awesome bodies from yoga, go shopping, get manis and pedis with their friends and have a great life with their kids and hubbies! They look pretty relaxed and glowy compared to their working counterparts who are always zooming around stressed out with no time to spare.

Even in NYC, a lot of women would love to be SAHMs but don't have the option. Many working moms I know work because they have to or because their identity is in their jobs...or it's too hard to let go of that extra income. Some people do truly love their jobs, but I don't know many who would keep working if money were no object. I think I'd be super proud to be a SAHM and have no issues proudly declaring it. Why not? I know who I am. I am proud of my accomplishments... now I'm doing something more meaningful to me.

All those years of education and experience? Not a drop wasted - they were for my enlightenment as a human being and for my intellectual growth...all of which made me who I am today. And I will be a better parent, partner and world citizen for it. Education is never wasted. No one can ever take away your education. It's there for YOU, for your hungry mind...so that you can contribute to the world in a meaningful way. It's not just so you can get a j-o-b! No, education is so that you can learn more about the world you live in and grow as a human being. There are so many ways to help make the world a better place outside of our jobs as well. We are so much more than our jobs.

Anyway, what's not to love? You get to be with your little one and have the luxury of fun things during the day. I know for myself, that would beat sitting at a desk all day! Working moms rock as well, but I'm no Superwoman. I am a mere mortal and I don't think I could work a full time job and take care of the kids and run a house AND have time to work out and take care of myself by doing the things I love. I would be a frazzled overworked overtired out of shape mess, I gather!

My mom was always there for me when I was growing up. She had time to bake cupcakes with me and help me with school projects. She was my biggest cheerleader at every school event and extra curricular activity. I knew if I felt sick at school, she'd be there to pick me up in the middle of the day. She always looked beautiful to me and she had a great life raising us - and always tells us how much she misses it. She'd work out during the day for her own sanity, work on her painting and etc. for her own spiritual happiness, cook us delicious healthy meals from scratch and had nothing but time and love for us. If I can do half of what she did for my kid(s), I would consider myself truly blessed.

 

[vespergirl]

I find it funny that anyone would be anything but proud to be a SAHM or SAHW! Growing up in the South, it was seen as a really luxe lifestyle and in NYC, it is the same here. At my gym, there are tons of hot pampered mamas who LOVE being SAHMs. They are well groomed, have awesome bodies from yoga, go shopping, get manis and pedis with their friends and have a great life with their kids and hubbies! They look pretty relaxed and glowy compared to their working counterparts who are always zooming around stressed out with no time to spare.

Even in NYC, a lot of women would love to be SAHMs but don't have the option. Many working moms I know work because they have to or because their identity is in their jobs...or it's too hard to let go of that extra income. Some people do truly love their jobs, but I don't know many who would keep working if money were no object. I think I'd be super proud to be a SAHM and have no issues proudly declaring it. Why not? I know who I am. I am proud of my accomplishments... now I'm doing something more meaningful to me.

All those years of education and experience? Not a drop wasted - they were for my enlightenment as a human being and for my intellectual growth...all of which made me who I am today. And I will be a better parent, partner and world citizen for it. Education is never wasted. No one can ever take away your education. It's there for YOU, for your hungry mind...so that you can contribute to the world in a meaningful way. It's not just so you can get a j-o-b! No, education is so that you can learn more about the world you live in and grow as a human being. There are so many ways to help make the world a better place outside of our jobs as well. We are so much more than our jobs.

Anyway, what's not to love? You get to be with your little one and have the luxury of fun things during the day. I know for myself, that would beat sitting at a desk all day! Working moms rock as well, but I'm no Superwoman. I am a mere mortal and I don't think I could work a full time job and take care of the kids and run a house AND have time to work out and take care of myself by doing the things I love. I would be a frazzled overworked overtired out of shape mess, I gather!

My mom was always there for me when I was growing up. She had time to bake cupcakes with me and help me with school projects. She was my biggest cheerleader at every school event and extra curricular activity. I knew if I felt sick at school, she'd be there to pick me up in the middle of the day. She always looked beautiful to me and she had a great life raising us - and always tells us how much she misses it. She'd work out during the day for her own sanity, work on her painting and etc. for her own spiritual happiness, cook us delicious healthy meals from scratch and had nothing but time and love for us. If I can do half of what she did for my kid(s), I would consider myself truly blessed.

Bravo, Bliss. Beautifully said, and I agree with you 100%.

 

[honey22]

Housewife is just a nice name for a lazy person who can't be bothered working. I could never let my husband do all the working and earning and me just sitting at home on my backside.

The only exception to this is if I were a SAHM - totally different story!!! But once the kids are off to school, then it's time to start supporting the household IMO.

 

[Imdanny]

Does anyone know what percentage of the population in the US is in the workforce vs. the percentage of the population that isn't?

Does anyone know what the unemployment rate is in the US? How about the unemployment rate in the US when the people who aren't counted because they can't find a job and gave up looking and aren't counting in the unemployment rate are counted?

Does anyone know how many jobs have to be created in the US every year for people entering the workforce (let alone the fact that it is not happening).

Not everyone is able to work, male or female. Some people, as hard as it is for some people to believe, are not able to work.

I would never make a judgment about whether someone worked or not. Maybe that puts me in the minority but so be it.

The US states has 5-7 applicants for ever 1 job available at the moment. I don't see any reputable economists who are claiming the situation is going to get better anytime soon (as in for years).

Even if every man, woman, and child (teenager) wanted to work, the are not enough jobs.

Ok, rant over.

 

[that_someone_special]

Lazy?

 

[that_someone_special]

Lazy?

 

[diamondbuggy]

Housewife is just a nice name for a lazy person who can't be bothered working. I could never let my husband do all the working and earning and me just sitting at home on my backside.

The only exception to this is if I were a SAHM - totally different story!!! But once the kids are off to school, then it's time to start supporting the household IMO.

All housewives are lazy? That's incredibly rude. I'm extremely shocked that you can make that presumption. In fact, I don't even know what to say to you. Your post has literally made me so angry I can't even form a proper sentence right now.

 

[Hera]

Housewife is just a nice name for a lazy person who can't be bothered working. I could never let my husband do all the working and earning and me just sitting at home on my backside.

The only exception to this is if I were a SAHM - totally different story!!! But once the kids are off to school, then it's time to start supporting the household IMO.

It's sad when we are having an intelligent dialogue and then someone comes in with an ignorant statement and ruins the conversation.

 

[Imdanny]

What about people who are disabled? What about people who can't get a job? In the US there are 5-7 people for every job opening and not reputable economist says the situation is going to get better in a long time (as in years). What about the people like Bliss mentioned whose husbands happen to have a lot of money or people who have trust funds?

Are these people "lazy"?

I don't see how anyone can generalize like that about the choices other people make in life especially when there are many facts and circumstances that are beyond an individuals' control.

JMHO.

 

[jas]

Housewife is just a nice name for a lazy person who can't be bothered working. I could never let my husband do all the working and earning and me just sitting at home on my backside.

The only exception to this is if I were a SAHM - totally different story!!! But once the kids are off to school, then it's time to start supporting the household IMO.

I think honey has just slit open the festering blister here -- many of us assume that this is what people are thinking about HW anyway.

The "special dispensation" for SAHM did not make it an easier comment for most folks, no matter how old the children.

I'm not going to empower a comment like this by letting it upset me...after all, I have kids at home and have my wee projects to keep me occupied once they are in school. (That's sarcasm, so I guess I'm a little upset).

This comment and DF's joking one shed light on the concepts of "value" and "contribute" and "worth." For many, that is attached to income and/or being a Human Doing/Working instead of just being Human.

Are there HWs out there who do indeed sit on their backsides and "do nothing" but live off their husbands. Yes.

Am I one? No.

Are most? I honestly have no idea.

Is my self-worth tied up in a job? No.

Do I feel a responsibility to my DH who is supportive of me in all things financial, emotional, and career? Yes.

I look to my MIL, who honestly never "worked" a day in her life. She has brought $0 to her marriage. However, she raised 4 brilliant children and has coordinated more activities and fundraisers than anyone I ever met. Major (I'm talking the biggies) museums, music festivals, and other aesthetic pursuits here in Chicago would not be at all were she not involved. I'm sure this gets sneers from some...after all she has the "luxury" of doing this. She also has the "luxury" of MOSTLY WOMEN sniffing and sneering at all her efforts and calling her lazy for not "working" a day in her life. She is the one who rushes to hospitals and comforts people when they are sick. She is the heart of her large circle of family and friends.

I look to my SIL who has two kids in school. She isn't the dynamo her mother is, on the volunteering scene, but she keeps her house going and her family together. Her non-special needs family. She is constantly battling people calling her lazy and wondering why she doesn't go back to work and use her medical degree.

So, I know, when mine are in school full time, people will call me lazy and laugh at my writing and performing (not in a good way) and sneer that I'm a drain on my family with my (mostly) non-income producing pursuits.

But I know that I don't just matter to my family, my community, or the world at large if I don't bring in dough. If my play never brings in a cent, does it matter? No.

If I *don't* write/perform and focus solely on my house and family, am I a lesser person? I "can't be bothered" to answer that.

My kids are up. Time to get off my backside and help mold two young men who will hopefully see people clearly and know that loving can often be the hardest, least recognized and appreciated job in the world.

ETA: Working mommies -- I am in no way implying that you don't love your kids with that last statement. You have the added stress of trying to do it all and wear many different hats during the day. I salute you.

 

[softly softly]

This comment and DF's joking one shed light on the concepts of "value" and "contribute" and "worth." For many, that is attached to income and/or being a Human Doing/Working instead of just being Human.

Are there HWs out there who do indeed sit on their backsides and "do nothing" but live off their husbands. Yes.

Am I one? No.

Are most? I honestly have no idea.

Is my self-worth tied up in a job? No.

Do I feel a responsibility to my DH who is supportive of me in all things financial, emotional, and career? Yes.

I look to my MIL, who honestly never "worked" a day in her life. She has brought $0 to her marriage. However, she raised 4 brilliant children and has coordinated more activities and fundraisers than anyone I ever met. Major (I'm talking the biggies) museums, music festivals, and other aesthetic pursuits here in Chicago would not be at all were she not involved. I'm sure this gets sneers from some...after all she has the "luxury" of doing this. She also has the "luxury" of MOSTLY WOMEN sniffing and sneering at all her efforts and calling her lazy for not "working" a day in her life. She is the one who rushes to hospitals and comforts people when they are sick. She is the heart of her large circle of family and friends.

I look to my SIL who has two kids in school. She isn't the dynamo her mother is, on the volunteering scene, but she keeps her house going and her family together. Her non-special needs family. She is constantly battling people calling her lazy and wondering why she doesn't go back to work and use her medical degree.

So, I know, when mine are in school full time, people will call me lazy and laugh at my writing and performing (not in a good way) and sneer that I'm a drain on my family with my (mostly) non-income producing pursuits.

But I know that I don't just matter to my family, my community, or the world at large if I don't bring in dough. If my play never brings in a cent, does it matter? No.

If I *don't* write/perform and focus solely on my house and family, am I a lesser person? I "can't be bothered" to answer that.

My kids are up. Time to get off my backside and help mold two young men who will hopefully see people clearly and know that loving can often be the hardest, least recognized and appreciated job in the world.

ETA: Working mommies -- I am in no way implying that you don't love your kids with that last statement. You have the added stress of trying to do it all and wear many different hats during the day. I salute you.[/quote]

Jas to your very eloquent and considered comments may I just add .

 

[yssie]

This comment and DF's joking one shed light on the concepts of "value" and "contribute" and "worth." For many, that is attached to income and/or being a Human Doing/Working instead of just being Human.

Are there HWs out there who do indeed sit on their backsides and "do nothing" but live off their husbands. Yes.

Am I one? No.

Are most? I honestly have no idea.

Is my self-worth tied up in a job? No.

Do I feel a responsibility to my DH who is supportive of me in all things financial, emotional, and career? Yes.

I look to my MIL, who honestly never "worked" a day in her life. She has brought $0 to her marriage. However, she raised 4 brilliant children and has coordinated more activities and fundraisers than anyone I ever met. Major (I'm talking the biggies) museums, music festivals, and other aesthetic pursuits here in Chicago would not be at all were she not involved. I'm sure this gets sneers from some...after all she has the "luxury" of doing this. She also has the "luxury" of MOSTLY WOMEN sniffing and sneering at all her efforts and calling her lazy for not "working" a day in her life. She is the one who rushes to hospitals and comforts people when they are sick. She is the heart of her large circle of family and friends.

I look to my SIL who has two kids in school. She isn't the dynamo her mother is, on the volunteering scene, but she keeps her house going and her family together. Her non-special needs family. She is constantly battling people calling her lazy and wondering why she doesn't go back to work and use her medical degree.
So, I know, when mine are in school full time, people will call me lazy and laugh at my writing and performing (not in a good way) and sneer that I'm a drain on my family with my (mostly) non-income producing pursuits.

But I know that I don't just matter to my family, my community, or the world at large if I don't bring in dough. If my play never brings in a cent, does it matter? No.

If I *don't* write/perform and focus solely on my house and family, am I a lesser person? I "can't be bothered" to answer that.

My kids are up. Time to get off my backside and help mold two young men who will hopefully see people clearly and know that loving can often be the hardest, least recognized and appreciated job in the world.

ETA: Working mommies -- I am in no way implying that you don't love your kids with that last statement. You have the added stress of trying to do it all and wear many different hats during the day. I salute you.

Jas to your very eloquent and considered comments may I just add .[/quote]

-------------------------------
I'll be totally honest -

I would be one of the people wondering this, I genuinely don't understand how someone could invest so much time, effort, and expense into so much long-term education and not put it to as much use as possible.

For every one person who makes your SIL's choice, there is another person who could have had that education, those grants, that much-sought spot in that lab.. and could be working in the field right now, putting those valuable skills to much more use than she has chosen to.

Does she have the right to choose her own path? Of course. But... unless she put herself through school entirely by herself... I can say that my parents and grants put me through college, and I feel a very certain *obligation* to give back, to repay all those people - my family, the community that funded those scholarships - by actively practising what I've learnt thanks to their efforts.

There IS gender bias and discrimination in the workforce, as the above linked article claims. And frankly, that IS in part because the state and private institutions funnel precious expenses into people who then make choices like your SIL has made, and that investment is from an economic and social standpoint a waste. And it IS more likely to be a woman making that choice to stay at home and not practice, therefore it IS more likely, statistically, that educating a man is more likely to pay off from the community's view. And thus the discrimination IS, sadly, validated.

Of course, if anyone actually dared to say all that out loud in the workforce they'd be hung, drawn, and quartered.

And that's what I would be thinking - what I am thinking.

 

[Harriet]

Yssie,

You are assuming that, when someone makes a choice as to education, he or she knows what will happen in the future (health, family circumstances, job fulfillment). Also, have you considered that, by someone giving up a job, that job becomes open to another who may need it more? Lastly, there are other ways to give back to society.

 

[yssie]

Yssie,

You are assuming that, when someone makes a choice as to education, he or she knows what will happen in the future (health, family circumstances, job fulfillment). Also, have you considered that, by someone giving up a job, that job becomes open to another who may need it more? Lastly, there are other ways to give back to society.

Yes there are, a volunteering dynamo is obviously giving back to society. Jas specifically addressed this, and I tailored my comments to the scenario she proposed.