Occupation: housewife?

[elrohwen]

My parents both worked when I was growing up (out of necessity) and I always envisioned myself as a working mom. I assumed I wouldn't want to stay home and I didn't quite understand women who did. Like most, I've grown up a lot since I was a kid, and the older I get the more understanding I get.

I don't have kids, and I'm not even sure if I want kids, but if I do have kids, I can imagine desperately wanting to stay home with them. While it seems incredibly hard and even lonely to stay home all day with small children, I think it would be very difficult and draining to have a job like I have now, be away from my kids all day, then come home and be a mom again. I'm years away from having kids, but I guess now that I'm in my child-bearing years (I'm 26) I totally get the SAHM choice.

The only thing standing in my way is financial security. While DH and I may be able to swing it, I know that we will be able to save so much more towards our kid's education and future if I work. The thought of DH getting laid off (which is a real possibility in tech industries) if I wasn't working would make me anxious all the time. Ideally I would work part time or from home, but I don't know what the reality of that is. I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. My other concern is that I would like to have a career to come back to at some point, and in my industry (I'm an engineer in a technical industry), I'm afraid that if I'm gone for more than a year or two there won't be anything to come back to unless I'm able to keep up with something part time. DH and I are far enough away from having kids that we haven't discussed all of this yet, but my ideal wouldn't be to continue with my current workload in addition to a kid, so I hope there are other options for us.

I don't think being a SAHM mom is in the cards for me, but I certainly hope we can come to some sort of compromise. I've love to take a year off or so and stay home. There are so many different options, and I think it's hard sometimes for people to see that what is such a good decision for their family is not a good decision for another family. Women are so competitive among one another that it doesn't surprise me that it extends into this arena, though it's sad.

 

[E B]

I'll echo that it all depends on what works for the family. Once my husband and I decided to try for children, we were pretty set on my staying at home, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being a SAHM, and I'm lucky to be able to 'exercise my mind' by working from home part-time. Luckily, my degree allows me to work in quite a few different fields, so I'm not at all worried about re-entering the workforce once my children are in school full time. I'm just trying to enjoy each day as it comes. They're only this small for such a short time.

I agree with you to an extent. Of course what you have said can be applied to all aspect of life. However, there are things that some people are completely certain of in my opinion. Not being a SAHM is one thing I am *certain* of. Nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with anyone who does choose to be. It is a choice made for various reasons for each individual. I am 100% certain that I will NOT be a housewife because I fully understand what mine and my SO's goals are. Those goals include duel incomes. So yes, while there are so many things in life that really are uncertain, there are also some things in life that indeed are certain.

I'm not at all trying to speak for Steph, but the way I interpreted what she was saying (and I completely agree with it) is that it may be a certainty for you now, but it won't be as black and white a decision once you're there. I too was pretty certain I'd want to go back to work after having a baby. I'm pretty sure I said it here, back before I was even married, forever in the PS archives.

Since the extra income is important to both you and your SO, you probably will go back to work, but I can almost guarantee it won't be as easy a decision as it may seem now. The way you'll feel with that tiny bundle in your arms is something you just can't predict now, not ever having been in that situation.

As for being judged, both sides get it. People outwardly judge without meaning to- it's already happened to both sides in this thread. I'm working on not caring, because I'm truly happy and know with almost 100 percent certainty that I will never regret this decision, this time at home with my child. And that's what's important, no matter your choice.

 

[steph72276]

EB, thanks you summed up what I was trying to say perfectly

 

[iluvcarats]

Well said E B. You'll never regret it, and I guarantee that one day you'll miss it.

 

[diamondringlover]

I would love to be a housewife...I have worked since I was 17 years old, I dont want to work anymore...after my 2nd son was born I really, really wanted to stay at home with him, but I couldnt, my husband just dosent make enough money for us to live on, I must work
I know women that are SAHM and they really want to work, sure would be nice if everyone could do what they want, life would be so much more enjoyable.....

 

[Nashville]

I can't really justify the cost of daycare in my area. Plus, I'll never get these years back. I plan to enjoy them. Forget a little debt, forget not being able to buy all the bling I've been wanting or a new car. Just give me ma babay!

I have nothing to prove career wise. And I don't particularly care if people don't like my life decisions.

 

[calibali]

I'm a "housegirlfriend," as me and the bf call it. I used to work in finance but I was so miserable with both the work and hours. So I struck out with my bf and together we started a new company. Now that it's sold, I consider myself out of the workforce and don't plan on ever returning. I'll stick to supervising our household and taking care of the furbabies (we're not ever going to have kids), it's much more preferable than dealing with all the crap associated with most jobs.

 

[Indylady]

My mom was a SAHM and I am incredibly thankful for it. I would love for me to be a SAHM or my SO to be a SAHD.

Would I want to be a housewife, sans kids? No, I don't think so.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I don't ever see myself being a SAHM, but I interact with a lot of SAHMs, and they work hard. I don't ever see myself judging them negatively for their decision. I think I read that if you were to out source everything a SAHM does (assuming they are like the ones in my area and don't have the money to hire help) it would cost over 100k a year.

My Mom really tried hard to give me a negative view of SAHM, and I could never understand why. Every time I would talk about someone who was happy at home, she would tell me some horror story of someone who was cheated on, divorced, ect. I never figured out why she had such negative feelings about the issue.

My ideal situation would be to work part time while I have kids. Not only to keep myself employable (from what I understand, if you step out of my field it is very hard to come back), but to have some form of intellectual stimulation. I love taking care of children, cooking, ect, and want to feel like I have time to do that stuff, but know I would be board if that is all I did. I know plenty of women who would rather work full time, and plenty of women who would love to be at home. At the end of the day, it is best if someone can do something that makes them happy.

 

[Imdanny]

Danny, *such* good timing - so glad you posted this! One of my favorite feminist sites, Jezebel, had a post titled "The Stigma of Being a Housewife" on Friday that's been annoying the poo out of my all weekend. Finally, a place to vent about it!

My pleasure.

 

[zhuzhu]

I don't think everyone is equally talented or having been given the same opportunity to become either a professional/working woman or a SAHM. Therefore the comparison of "what is better" is really pointless.

The most important thing is figuring out for yourself what makes you happy, get your DH to be on board, and enjoy your decision with no regret!!

 

[Trekkie]

I don't think everyone is equally talented or having been given the same opportunity to become either a professional/working woman or a SAHM. Therefore the comparison of "what is better" is really pointless.

The most important thing is figuring out for yourself what makes you happy, get your DH to be on board, and enjoy your decision with no regret!!

Absolutely agree!

Me, I'm not a very good homemaker. I can't cook, hate cleaning and only recently figured out how to fold a fitted sheet. Simple things like curtains baffle me. I know they're supposed to cover windows. I know they're supposed to hang. Logically, I understand this concept, but whenever I take them down for cleaning, it takes me weeks to figure out how to get them back up again...

Some women are inherently good at being home makers and looking after children. I know I'd never be able to get the hang of it, so I work.

Currently, I'm back at university, so I'm not earning the huge IT-industry income I'm used to. My SO respects my decision to return to university and knows that I will be a working mother. This situation works for us. Different solutions work for different families.

I'm fortunate to live in a country where having a live-in nanny to take care of my children and clean my house is affordable. If this were not the case, maybe I'd feel differently...

As soon as I figure out how this whole curtain thing works...

 

[lknvrb4]

I have mixed feelings about this issue. I am a SAHM but work from home. I have to work to support my family. If my husband made enough for me not to work I would still do something because I am bored easily. But, I feel that if woman stays home because she does not want to work, I have a problem with that. I have an old high school friend who had her daughter 7 years ago and never went back to work. Her husband lost his job last sept(factory work) and instead of looking for another job he is collecting unemployment and going to college for free. She still continues to not work. It makes me so upset because her family could benefit if she worked. They live in a hand me down trailer and have never gone on vacation. I guess we all have different priorities but if I were her, I guess I would want more out of life. Just my two cents.

 

[steph72276]

I'll echo that it all depends on what works for the family. Once my husband and I decided to try for children, we were pretty set on my staying at home, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being a SAHM, and I'm lucky to be able to 'exercise my mind' by working from home part-time. Luckily, my degree allows me to work in quite a few different fields, so I'm not at all worried about re-entering the workforce once my children are in school full time. I'm just trying to enjoy each day as it comes. They're only this small for such a short time.

I agree with you to an extent. Of course what you have said can be applied to all aspect of life. However, there are things that some people are completely certain of in my opinion. Not being a SAHM is one thing I am *certain* of. Nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with anyone who does choose to be. It is a choice made for various reasons for each individual. I am 100% certain that I will NOT be a housewife because I fully understand what mine and my SO's goals are. Those goals include duel incomes. So yes, while there are so many things in life that really are uncertain, there are also some things in life that indeed are certain.

I'm not at all trying to speak for Steph, but the way I interpreted what she was saying (and I completely agree with it) is that it may be a certainty for you now, but it won't be as black and white a decision once you're there. I too was pretty certain I'd want to go back to work after having a baby. I'm pretty sure I said it here, back before I was even married, forever in the PS archives.

Since the extra income is important to both you and your SO, you probably will go back to work, but I can almost guarantee it won't be as easy a decision as it may seem now. The way you'll feel with that tiny bundle in your arms is something you just can't predict now, not ever having been in that situation.

As for being judged, both sides get it. People outwardly judge without meaning to- it's already happened to both sides in this thread. I'm working on not caring, because I'm truly happy and know with almost 100 percent certainty that I will never regret this decision, this time at home with my child. And that's what's important, no matter your choice.

EB, I don't know how to quote a certain section, but I just wanted to respond to your last paragraph...I so admire your attitude of not caring what others think because you know you've made the right decision. Even though I know I'm doing what is right for our family, I still struggle with guilt over not bringing home a paycheck. My husband and I both come from families with working mothers, and they both worked out of necessity. I guess I feel a bit of guilt that we have the choice for me to stay home when they didn't have that option. I'm really happy to be at home with my babies because I know this time is so fleeting, but it's hard to swallow that self-induced guilt I have in the back of my head sometimes. I think I'm getting over it by looking into grad schools to finish my master's between now and when my youngest starts school, so at least I will be on track to go back out there, but I still need to work on caring less about what other's think.

 

[elle_chris]

Awww, Elle--your post is so sweet. I wish your mom could see it.

I think you hit on a really critical point: Your mom was happy, and seeing her happy and fulfilled inspired you to be the same. I think that any mom who is happy with her choices, and happy with her life, and feels fulfilled will be a wonderful role model for her children, whether she's a stay-at-home mom or has a full-time job.

Thanks Haven
I didn't mean for it to come out all mushy (but totally see how it did), just want to tell another side of it. How working moms can have a very positive impact on their kids.

 

[heyme]

People seem to blend housewife and SAHM together. I think they're two things entirely. If you have no children and stay home, I think that's a little weird. There is only so much cooking and cleaning, etc that you can do. I would think that someone who stays home, with no kids, would want SOMETHING to do with their day. However, SAHM's I respect. It's a tough gig, but I'm sure a fulfilling one. I've even nannied for women who stay home with their kids. Full time nannies for women who stay home with their children. I guess if they can afford it, that's fine for them.

In my personal opinion it depends on what works for each couple. I want to be a housewife and SAHM, but I will always have little business ventures of mine to be working on at home. I don't think I could just fill my day with chores and children. I would need something for ME. On the other hand, my boyfriend would also like to stay home. lol. He says that if that means raising the children, that's fine. But with his little exposure to children, I don't think he knows what he's in for! He thinks it'll be days of sleeping in, hanging out with the kids and getting work done on his cars. Silly. But we're hoping to a secure a future where we can both eventually be stay at home parents. Sounds impossible, but we're working on it!

 

[Nashville]

I'm a "housegirlfriend," as me and the bf call it. I used to work in finance but I was so miserable with both the work and hours. So I struck out with my bf and together we started a new company. Now that it's sold, I consider myself out of the workforce and don't plan on ever returning. I'll stick to supervising our household and taking care of the furbabies (we're not ever going to have kids), it's much more preferable than dealing with all the crap associated with most jobs.

Are you getting married? Does your state recognize commonlaw at all? If you don't plan on working anymore, do you have enough savings in case the relationship were to end? I'm sure you've covered yourself but it's important to know what your legal rights are, especially if you're depending on your boyfriend to support you. If you're not, then congrats! I'd love to be able to retire, but I'm sure I've got years of work ahead of me once my daughter is in school.

 

[jas]

I read this and feel so lucky. I worked as a teacher for 10+ years…I was rode hard and put away wet (unwieldy class loads, too many new courses each year, more and more time doing things that took time away from the students). I was going to take a year off and figure everything out, while taking classes in my “dream” area. DH was (and is) super-supportive. In many ways, my happiness there, taking care of my own dreams while also tending to all the little tasks that make a house work, allowed him to focus on supporting “us.” I then got preggo, stopped taking classes, and was on bed rest.

We decided that my incubating the babies was my “job.”

I love being a SAHM, although I cringe when people assume I’m not using my intellect, education, or abilities at all. I don’t miss working. I am so privileged to be able to direct my skills towards volunteer work and my family. My boys are at an age I can start using some of my background in teaching.

We decided early on that raising happy, healthy individuals was also my “job” – along with cooking/cleaning/house care. My “other job” was to continue pursuing my avocation – theater/writing. I’ve been devoting 1 hour a day (while they nap) to that, plus evenings after they are asleep. I haven’t gotten paid (DH calls this my internship) but that hour focuses me like a laser beam. My career has taken off in ways I never would have imagined and within a year I should be making some mad money.

It is fulfilling and gives me an outlet so that my kids are not my everything and only thing. More importantly, as so many have noted, Happy Mama = Happy Family. I am lucky in that I am able to be the type of parent I want to be, and although I cannot, will not, spend the hours I want to on my acting/writing right now, I know I will have that time in the future. Right now I am fortunate that I can invest my time in my kids (and cleaning up after them). Hopefully this will pay off. I am enjoying raising my boys. I am, as I’ve already said, exceedingly lucky that I get this time to (a) be a SAHM and (b) plant the seeds for pursuing my dreams.

I came from a long line of working women. Most were working ridiculous hours and I was that aforementioned kid whose parents were consistently an hour late picking me up from events (and also dropped off an hour early to school b/c they left at the crack of dawn.) One parent was happy working. The other parent was so afraid of not having any identity that s/he chose to self-define through work.

DH has always called it “our” money. Bless him. However, I do not “treat” myself as much as I used to with, oh, shoes and such. I will wait until I bring in my mad money for that. That’s not to say I never treat myself, but I do think about it before doing it.

For me, it’s all a question of contributing to the big picture. What are we bringing to the table at the end of our lives? How have we made the world better? For some of us, we do this on a macro-scale. Others, a micro. Some of us bounce back and forth between the two.

But, seriously, where the hell are my bon bons? Do I need to sneak those into the house? (I keed, I keed.)

 

[sctsbride09]

People seem to blend housewife and SAHM together. I think they're two things entirely. If you have no children and stay home, I think that's a little weird. There is only so much cooking and cleaning, etc that you can do. I would think that someone who stays home, with no kids, would want SOMETHING to do with their day. However, SAHM's I respect.

Maybe you think its wierd because you have never done it, so therefore you have no idea what most housewives do. If a person has the sole responsibility of running a household including cleaning, cooking from scratch (not disgusting premade crap from the store), doing all the errands, etc. you dont respect them because they dont have a "paying" job? I save a lot of money for our household by doing things myself that people who work out of the home pay for. For example, alot of people with 2 income families have housecleaners, eat out alot because they dont have the energy to cook after work, etc. while housewives do this as part of our job instead of paying someone else. Look, everyone makes choices in life according to their priorities, if someone wants to be a housewife, or a teacher or doctor why does it matter to anyone else? Just because people have different priorities doesnt mean anyone has the right to judge. Would I personally want to spend 40+ hours a week at work with no time to clean my house, do our errands or make real, wholesome food except on the weekends? No thanks, but I dont judge if someone else wants to do that. And believe me housewives who do their job properly have PLENTY to do with their day. Most housewives dont just cook and clean, most of us run our household and take care of the finances as well. My husband goes to work, thats it. He does his part for our family, and I do the rest as mine. His job begins at 7 ends at 5 when he comes home, I on the other hand work from 6 when he gets up making his breakfast and lunch and my job doesnt end until after I clean up after dinner.

Sorry that was so darn long, I just felt the need to explain what most housewives do. It feels like alot of people are judgemental because they dont understand. Its really annoying when people just assume that your lazy, or dont care about the household enough to bring in a check. Like I stated before, its about priorities. I could probably write a book on why my DH and I made this choice for our family, but honestly I dont feel like explaining myself anymore to people who are not in my position. If a person likes working, nothing a housewife says about her situation is going to make them change their opinion. And luckily, it doesnt matter anyway.

 

[Haven]

jas, I really enjoyed reading your post.

 

[jas]

jas, I really enjoyed reading your post.

Thankee.

 

[calibali]

I'm a "housegirlfriend," as me and the bf call it. I used to work in finance but I was so miserable with both the work and hours. So I struck out with my bf and together we started a new company. Now that it's sold, I consider myself out of the workforce and don't plan on ever returning. I'll stick to supervising our household and taking care of the furbabies (we're not ever going to have kids), it's much more preferable than dealing with all the crap associated with most jobs.

Are you getting married? Does your state recognize commonlaw at all? If you don't plan on working anymore, do you have enough savings in case the relationship were to end? I'm sure you've covered yourself but it's important to know what your legal rights are, especially if you're depending on your boyfriend to support you. If you're not, then congrats! I'd love to be able to retire, but I'm sure I've got years of work ahead of me once my daughter is in school.

Actually, we are getting married in less than a year. However, if by some crazy turn of events we were to break up, I have already taken the necessary precautions to ensure my interests are protected. I don't depend on my bf to support me -I have already carried my own weight and would be independently secure. Oh, and I don't know how much supporting my bf could do considering he's about as retired as me at the moment. I'm sure he'll do something else, but at the moment we are quite the kooky pair.

But thanks for the concern, I know my situation is, um, different and it wouldn't work for everyone!

ETA - some people are saying that they could never be a housewife since they would be bored or unfulfilled. But imagine if you didn't have to work and had all the time you wanted to pursue interests you actually enjoy (rather than slaving away at a job just for a paycheck). Does that really seem so awful?

 

[rockzilla]

scts bride-

I think what I find a little strange (just from my perspective) about the concept of a stay-at-home housewife with no kids is the idea that this "job" or "profession" exists solely because you are married. When I hear people say that they are "choosing" to be a housewife because that's what they love or what they were meant to do, it just sounds weird to me because, by definition, you have to be married and supported by your husband to do that "job." You can't be a housewife if you aren't married to a guy who is supporting you financially. The vast majority of people (single/married/etc) have to do everything a housewive would do in addition to holding down a job to support themselves. I guess I see careers as (hopefully) being separate from one's personal life. I believe in equality; that one should be able to pursue any career (doctor, lawyer, salesperson, teacher) regardless of one's gender, martial status or family status. A single person cannot be a housewife; a childless person cannot be a SAHM -- so while these roles may be what occupies your time, they are not a job or occupation. What happens to the person whose aspiration/goal in life is to be a housewife but who never gets married?

I'm not sure why I feel differently about it when kids are in the picture, but maybe its the fact that children require around-the-clock care. A new baby needs to bed fed every 2 hours, kids need to be supervised at all times, etc. I find it a little less strange from a personal perspective, but that may just be the demographic I'm coming from (young, highly educated, etc.) where women will often take time off for kids and then return to work-part time.

 

[sctsbride09]

Rockzilla-

While I can appreciate your point of view, I dont think that you really understand mine. And thats fine. Our lifestyle (DH and I) is very traditional, but you know what, it works for us. You said that you believe in equality, well I am my husbands equal. We balance each other out, and divide our strengths and weaknesses. If I had not married, i would still be in my profession that I was in, but Im not. The fact of the matter is, we like our lifestyle. We have our weekends completely to ourselves to do as we wish, because I handle everything that needs to be done during the week, we like to eat home cooked food that doesnt come out of a box, but straight from the garden I grow. We would not be able to have the lifestyle we have if I was working full time too. We basically planned our life the way we wanted to live it and then planned for it (financially) accordingly. Yes, we will never have the BMWs or the vacations to BoraBora, but those are not the things that matter to us in life. Because we dont have the common "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality, we are able to live on far less than most people I know. The things that matter most to us are spending time with each other, growth as individuals and living simply. I know my list probably is meager and laughable to some, but I dont care. My life is happy, and so is my Dhs.

 

[omieluv]

In my opinion it is a perfectly acceptable, and is to be respected. To me, the feminist movement is all about equality and choice. This to me means doesn't mean that women - or men for that matter - have to go and achieve career success outside the home, rather that they can if they want to.

I don't think women or men "should" contribute financially, but I do think each person in a couple should make equal contributions. There are many contributions to be made; emotion, time, effort, money, housework, support etc.

Well said! After all, there is the housewife who does not lift a finger and then there is the housewife that does it all.

 

[E B]

EB, I don't know how to quote a certain section, but I just wanted to respond to your last paragraph...I so admire your attitude of not caring what others think because you know you've made the right decision. Even though I know I'm doing what is right for our family, I still struggle with guilt over not bringing home a paycheck. My husband and I both come from families with working mothers, and they both worked out of necessity. I guess I feel a bit of guilt that we have the choice for me to stay home when they didn't have that option. I'm really happy to be at home with my babies because I know this time is so fleeting, but it's hard to swallow that self-induced guilt I have in the back of my head sometimes. I think I'm getting over it by looking into grad schools to finish my master's between now and when my youngest starts school, so at least I will be on track to go back out there, but I still need to work on caring less about what other's think.

I'm not quite there yet, so I understand where you're coming from. I too was raised by a working mother. She and my father divorced when I was very little, so she didn't have a choice, but I know she would have loved to stay home if she could have. She still talks about how happy she was to be able to stay home with me for the first year.

It's hard to ignore certain comments (esp. those born from ignorance) but what really matters is that we know we're doing what's best for our families, and that we're happy doing it. Alas, we're only human, and it takes time and practice. Just know you're not alone!

 

[zhuzhu]

I think the assumption that one needs a "job" or "profession" to be a "good person" or to feel good about oneself is just silly. It really does not matter if that person is with children, with husband/wife, or whatever.

Job/profession is one component of life that brings fulfillment to some but not all. Noone should be made feel bad about not wanting a particular job/career. Of course if that decision is causing financial/emotional hardship on their family and loved ones then it is not a WISE decision, but it still does not speak ill of the person who made that choice.

 

[anchor31]

sctsbride - Sorry, but you seem to be making unfair assumptions of your own. Not all double income couples have housecleaners, eat out often, or "food that comes out of a box" or "digusting premade crap", or "own BMW and take vacations to BoraBora", to use your own words. None of the working mom families I know do all these things you mention. They both work, and they take the time to spend time with the children, cook and clean and all of that. They are happy and healthy and would not have it any other way. I understand that you feel strongly about people judging your choice, anyone would, but let's not get carried away.

 

[GliderPoss]

This is a really interesting thread! My mum was a housewife with 4 kids on a farm - there is no childcare or even jobs available where we were living so obviously it made sense for her to stay at home. I am very grateful and had a wonderful childhood. She went back to working after we sold the farm and was very successful.

Now I am grown up and married myself (no kids yet) I would LOVE to be a housewife I haven't really got my hopes up as it's considered a luxury to be able to afford to live on one salary! There may be a chance in like 10 years that my husband might be earning enough but I suspect I'll be back to work, at least part time after my maternity leave when we have kids in the next 4 years. Sigh.... Australia has crap maternity laws - we should have the same as Sweden, no wonder we have such a low birth rate!

Housewives who don't have kids and stay home are super lucky and I say good for them! Don't know any personally though....

 

[sctsbride09]

Anchor31- I re-read my last post and see that I was being just a judgemental as I was upset about others being. I apologise for the snarky comments, all.