Nothing like seeing your ex BFF happy as can be

[katomm]

I''ll do my very best to make this short. My BFF of 22 years ditched me back in March, two months before her wedding. She had kept me out of the wedding talk since she got engaged and I knew something was up. She came to town and we talked in March and I admitted to her I didn''t think she was making the right decision, bad timing or whatever. In a nutshell, her FI proposed in November, quit his job in January and never bought her a ring. Not to say the ring is what it''s about but my friend is completely materialistic and had to have a very nice ring. He had no savings at all. She bought her own ring. To top it off her FI family did not contribute at all to the wedding so she and her entire family paid for the entire big affair. And it was to be BIG, she comes from a large Korean family.

So anyway, she told me back in March she didn''t want negativity around her and our 22 year friendship was over, don''t come to the wedding. I cried for days about this and finally moved on. They were married May 23rd and I''m guessing she''s probably pregnant already because they were starting to try before the wedding. I had also told her I thought getting married just because you want a baby isn''t a good reason. We''ve both been very honest with each other over the years but I guess this time she didn''t want honesty.

I was just on Facebook and was doing a search for friends. She''s not on FB but her now husband is and there''s a pic of the two of them on their honeymoon on his profile. Now I''m all sad. BF is in a super bad mood since he had a crappy day at work so I''m just handing out here so I can go to bed soon.

 

[KimberlyH]

Kat, it''s hard to watch friends make life decisions that we percieve to be mistakes, but I have found that a large part of growing up (and maintaining friendships) is accepting that we are not our friends and it is not always right to voice our opinions. Two of my closest girlfriends have picked partners that I don''t think are well suited for them, but it''s not my choice to make and telling them how I feel would have only caused problems. Their friendship means more to me than making my point (that I wish they''d chosen someone else) and so I look for the good in the people they''ve selected, seek to see the ways they make my friends happy, lend an ear whenever needed, and let them find their own way. It''s not always easy, but it has kept our amazing friendship in tact. And because I''ve taken this approach they trust me to talk about struggles within their relationship and seek my advice; I love that they trust me enough to be fairminded that they care to hear what I think and believe my opinion will be fair and balanced. I am well aware that part of good friendship is the ability to be honest, but sometimes it is also knowing when to hold ones'' tongue.

Perhaps your friend would be willing to talk this through with you? If you could share with her that you only said what you did out of concern and love, but that you are so sad now, because you miss her and the friendship you''ve shared than maybe there''s a possibility that you could rebuild a new friendship. It likely will never be what it was, but it could still be wonderful and meaningful for both of you.

I''m sorry you''re so sad. Navigating frienships can be quite difficult.

 

[katomm]

Kimberly I really appreciate your words and since I''ve had almost three months now to think about things I now know I should''ve never said anything. But like I said, 22 years of always being brutually honest is hard to get out of the habit of. I already tried telling her I was just concerned because I care and that I never wanted to cause her stress. I sincerely meant I was looking forward to meeting her FI finally.

The damage is done now though and they got married. There was another issue about her not having me in the wedding party and to be honest, I wasn''t even concerned with it but I think she made more of a big deal about it than it should have. I don''t think our friendship can be repaired.

 

[KimberlyH]

It is hard to keep quiet when we feel strongly about a situation and dearly love the person/s involved. If it helps at all, I had a major falling out with a friend of 10+ years (not one of the girls I mentioned before). She decided she no longer wanted to maintain our friendship and I was devestated, especially since nothing big had happened between us. I missed her very much and reached out to her about a year later. She was so glad I did, said she''d been thinking of me but didn''t know how to reach out to me because of the choice she made. Our friendship is different now, but we are very close again and both so glad to have repaired things. Perhaps in time you will find a way to work things out and redefine your friendship in a way that works for both of you.