Not wanting kids

[kenny]

Date: 6/8/2010 5:40:46 PM
Author: katamari
I always have my students read this article which usually leads to great conversation. It basically highlights research finding that most of our cultural assumptions about mental health and parenting are false; parenting actually negatively impacts mental health.

Thanks for the link.
Interesting read.

 

[ChinaCat]

Not to put words in his mouth, but perhaps Kenny is (wisely) admitting that he personally does not have the strength or maybe the desire to fight that fight on behalf of any kids? Not so much that it can''t be done (raising a child in a same-sex household) but maybe saying he doesn''t have what it takes to do it well? Kenny? Your thoughts? Just curious as to whether that''s what you meant, or if you do think that there are bigger issues with raising a kid in a same-sex household?


As for that article, I find it interesting. Part of it I agree with and part of it I don''t. I did not read the whole thing so perhaps that might help (duh.

). As a new mom, I have often thought- is it possible to be the happiest I have ever been, while at the same time to be the unhappiest I have ever been?

And for me, at least, the answer is yes. Having a kid with my DH has brought so much joy to us I can''t begin to quantify it. It has made us stronger and closer. OTOH, it has added stress to us financially, time-wise and to our relationship. I do think a lot of it has to do with the author''s discussion of the lack of institutional support. Having both parents work extremely demanding (both time-wise and pressure-wise) jobs is almost too much to manage. And this undue stress is definitely a direct result of having a baby.

But I can''t say that I am really "more" unhappy. And I think I get more happiness out of being a mom than I do unhappiness from stress. And I am definitely "qualitatively" happier as a mom than I was as a non-mom. Meaning my happiness/joy is greater. My stress/unhappiness is more, but my capacity for happiness is more.

Also, I tend to think that people that want to be unhappy are going to be unhappy whether or not they have children. I suspect those same people would give the same answers whether they had children or not (i.e, find things to be unhappy about). But who knows. I am definitely NOT a scientist or a researcher. Just my two cents.

 

[kenny]

Date: 6/8/2010 6:07:06 PM
Author: ChinaCat
Not to put words in his mouth, but perhaps Kenny is (wisely) admitting that he personally does not have the strength or maybe the desire to fight that fight on behalf of any kids? Not so much that it can't be done (raising a child in a same-sex household) but maybe saying he doesn't have what it takes to do it well? Kenny? Your thoughts? Just curious as to whether that's what you meant, or if you do think that there are bigger issues with raising a kid in a same-sex household?

Well, like I've said...

1. I'm too selfish to become a life-support system for another person.
2. I don't want to put a kid in the awkward situation of having 2 dads in today's world, which I do not think is free from anti-gay bigotry disguised as morality.

If you want to place all those other things, not having the strength, not having what it takes, on me that's your right, but they didn't come from me.
AS they say, "what you think about me is none of my business."

I'm not sure what you mean about "bigger issues with raising a kid in a same-sex household".
What did you have in mind?

 

[elrohwen]

Chinacat, I don''t think any of us were trying to talk Kenny into it. I know I wasn''t, and I hope it didn''t come off that way. Especially since many of us also don''t want kids, we understand his reason. I think we were just addressing what he said and sharing our own experiences.

 

[Hest88]

Date: 6/8/2010 6:02:30 PM
Author: Arcadian
But I''ve heard the gambit about me being selfish by not having one or at least adopting, and about how I''ll regret it because I''ll have no one to take care of us when we''re old (like having kids guarantees that???)

Heh. I''ve always loved this line because no one *has* kids unselfishly either, if we take "selfish" to me "in one''s own self interest." If someone hated kids, but got one left onto his doorstep, and knew that he was the best chance for the kid''s survival, then, yes, that''s having a kid for selfless reasons. If one loves kids, or wants someone to carry on his genes, or to influence, or to pass on the family name, or to help him in his old age, or whatever, that''s not a selfless reason.

Kenny, I''m sorry you and your partner are in such a difficult situation. I agree, of course, that you should feel obligated to have kids if you truly don''t want them. However, I disagree that bringing a child into a world where he might be teased for having two fathers is completely valid. As others have said, all children are teased for something. It''s part of the maturation process. Kids are teased for being too short or too tall, or too blonde or too mousey, for being too smart or too dumb, for wearing glasses or braces, for having a funny name, funny interests, etc. The important thing is that a kid is raised with love, to be taught confidence in himself, and a solid grounding in his own basic values. That will allow a kid to weather anything the world might throw at him.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/8/2010 2:28:58 PM

Author: kenny

You should change into a life-support system for another little person.

In a sense you die and are being replaced by a new person.

I find that idea rather depressing.

And I don't really think it is true. Yes, sure, I have seen SOME parents who become those sort of parents that end up on STFU, Parents. But most I know are not like that and keep being their own interesting, unique and dynamic individual selves. With kids in tow.

It certainly requires a shift in priorities or flexibility for the stuff that comes along with kids...and of course there are certain necessities that the child needs to survive that you (hopefully) provide....but I certainly do not think you "die" or are "replaced by a new person", nor do I think that is a healthy way of being to pass on to those children.

I don't think you should ever lose your sense of self in a relationship - whether it is a romantic one or a parent-child one. It is not always EASY to not do this, but it certainly is not impossible.

I am not a parent, so I could be talking out of my a$$, but those are just my thoughts and observations.

 

[Porridge]

I think making the decision not to have kids if you don''t want kids is a very responsible one. I find the notion of somebody trying to judge or belittle that choice infuriating.

I''m only 25, and single, so I haven''t been faced with the choice yet. I''m on the fence about wanting kids. We''ll see how it goes.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I love children, I babysat and worked in a daycare and there are often the only members of DH''s family that like me. We want two and DH will be so whipped if we have a girl. Hoewever, my brother does not want to have kids. He doesn''t really connect with them, does not do well with a lot of responsability and honestly, I think he would be happier without them.

I have known people who swore they never wanted kids and had them and loved it, like my mom. I have also known people, mostly when they have had a few, who admit they wished they had not had kids. I suspect there is actually a fairly good portion of people who feel that way, but if you think of all the problems for mpeople who do not want kids, imagine how much worse it would be to admit it would be better if you didn''t have them. I certainly wouldn''t.

I think it is a combo of people who love their kids so much and can''t imagine how anyone could not feel the same way and a certain level of envy. Although a person my love their children, hearing about a couple without kids amzing trip to Paris with the jewelry and food when they have not slept in days and Johnny won''t stop throwing peas at his sister may make them jelous. If that couple is missing something though, it validates their own choice to have them.

 

[HollyS]

At my *cough* advanced *cough* years, I do not wish for children. Whether I bear them or adopt them, it''s much too late in the game for that to be a good idea. I don''t want to order a kid''s meal at IHOP while ordering myself something from the senior''s menu.

 

[Kaleigh]

Kenny,
I hear you on the abuse factor. As someone who was abused as well, I get where you are coming from. BUT for me, my desire to have kids was so strong, and knew from day one they would be treated with nothing but love and respect. I made myself a promise when I was 10, that when I had kids, they would never suffer any kind of abuse what so ever. Promise kept, kids are grown and doing great. Phew.

 

[Tuckins1]

I do, but not right now. I have no problem with others making that choice. Whatever works for you!

 

[ZestfullyBling]

We didn''t at first. Were married 5 years before we had our child. Now he will be 13 and DH is counting down the days to when the kid will go to college and move out. Wow! Time sure does speed by ya.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 6/8/2010 6:48:19 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Kenny,
I hear you on the abuse factor. As someone who was abused as well, I get where you are coming from. BUT for me, my desire to have kids was so strong, and knew from day one they would be treated with nothing but love and respect. I made myself a promise when I was 10, that when I had kids, they would never suffer any kind of abuse what so ever. Promise kept, kids are grown and doing great. Phew.

Kaleigh, I am so glad to hear this. As I''m sure you know, abuse is a cycle that tends to repeat itself over, and over, and over again. I know of a wife and children who are in an abusive situation, and I would hate to see the abuse cycle repeat itself with the children in the future.

Kenny, the situation you and your SO are in sounds extremely tough. I think it''s great that you were honest from the beginning about not wanting children, but I still can''t help and feel bad for your SO, who is hurting at the prospect of never having children of his own. Honestly, I can not say that being a same-sex couple should be one of the reasons on your list to not have children (though I realize it''s not your only reason). I can speak from the experience of having a lesbian mother (who came out after divorcing my dad), it''s really not as big of a deal as you might expect. I mean, there are people who still can''t accept interracial relationships/children, but I''ll be damned if that would ever stop me from living my life with my husband

 

[ChinaCat]

Date: 6/8/2010 6:12:02 PM
Author: kenny

Date: 6/8/2010 6:07:06 PM
Author: ChinaCat
Not to put words in his mouth, but perhaps Kenny is (wisely) admitting that he personally does not have the strength or maybe the desire to fight that fight on behalf of any kids? Not so much that it can''t be done (raising a child in a same-sex household) but maybe saying he doesn''t have what it takes to do it well? Kenny? Your thoughts? Just curious as to whether that''s what you meant, or if you do think that there are bigger issues with raising a kid in a same-sex household?

Well, like I''ve said...

1. I''m too selfish to become a life-support system for another person.
2. I don''t want to put a kid in the awkward situation of having 2 dads in today''s world, which I do not think is free from anti-gay bigotry disguised as morality.

If you want to place all those other things, not having the strength, not having what it takes, on me that''s your right, but they didn''t come from me.
AS they say, ''what you think about me is none of my business.''

I''m not sure what you mean about ''bigger issues with raising a kid in a same-sex household''.
What did you have in mind?

Hi Kenny, sorry to post and run. Just got back on PS.

And this is one of those instances where I posted without re-reading and reading it back I see where your response is coming from. What I was TRYING to say was that you clearly stated 1 and 2 and that we (society) should take you at your word and not try to convince you otherwise. I didn''t mean to place judgements on it, because honestly I don''t really have any on this subject.

Gonna admit, I sort of cringe reading what I wrote. Not my intention at all.

 

[kenny]

No problem CC.

 

[NOYFB]

Date: 6/8/2010 8:29:42 AM
Author: nytemist
It''s definitely a taboo. As I''ve said in previous threads on the topic, a lot of people think that''s what you''re just ''supposed'' to do in life. I don''t want children at all. I''m good with them, I can babysit a handful of infants and have a good time, but I have no desire to do it full time. At my age, people I meet automatically ask how many kids do I have and when I say none, they truly look shocked.


I can''t tell you how annoying it is to have others be critical of that choice. I''ve heard it all- I''m selfish, I''ll change my mind, I must be a sad person, I must have been abused, I''m too young to know that for sure, I''m not a grown up, I''m not a real woman until I give birth, my life has no meaning, what about the women who can''t, blah, blah, blah. The list of put downs that have ben thrown at me is endless. Usually I wil say to them, why does my choice make you so upset?


I like to do, to go, to have my time be my own. Mothers that I know always tell me that you can still go out, travel and have fun with kids in tow, but I simply don''t want to. Most friends think it''s strange, the only ones who don''t are childfree also. I started getting nitpicked about it a few months after I got married. A couple of weeks ago a friend that I''ve known for years said to ''I really hoped that you would have relazed by now that you should be having a family''. Now, she knows I don''t want kids, but every so often she makes some comment in this dejected tone. She truly thinks that''s what all women should do.


When I was a teen, I said to my aunt that I didn''t want to be a mom. Of course she said oh, you say that now, wait until you''re thirty. When I saw her at my family reunion the year after I turned 33, she asked if I changed my mind and I said nope, the clock is still broken.

I feel like I could have written this myself! I was 32 when DH and I got married and both of our families were always asking when were going to have kids, like it was a requirement or something. I even had a college classmate ask me, when I told her I wasn''t planning to have children "Why did you get married then?" I was appalled and told her, very matter of factly "Because I am in love". I just don''t understand the notion that getting married automatically means that you will want to procreate.

We have nieces and nephews. And we love them dearly. It''s not that we hate kids. We love them. We just never saw ourselves in the role of "parent". I don''t understand why some people have such a hard time with that concept.

And nytemist, my clock is definitely broken - I had a hysterectomy last year!

That put any further questions to bed.

 

[NOYFB]

Date: 6/8/2010 9:06:59 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Kenny, DH and I don''t want kids either. And I agree that it seems to be a taboo to feel this way. I''ve always had a problem with people trying to force their beliefs about having children on others. Just because they have chosen to have children doesn''t mean that''s the right choice for everyone else.


I''ve heard it all:


Them: So, when are you going to have kids?

Me: We already have ''kids'' . . . three dogs and a horse!

Them: Don''t you think you''ll regret not having kids?

Me: Well, I might someday regret NOT having children, but what if I had one and regretted THAT? How much more horrible would that be?

Them: Oh, you''ll change your mind.

Me: No, I won''t. DH and I have thought this through very carefully, and I''ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. This decision wasn''t made on a whim.


Them: Well, if you''re not going to have kids, why did you bother getting married?

Me: Because I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him, and getting married was important to us. Why do you think being married and having children have to go hand-in-hand? There are plenty of wonderful parents who aren''t married, and there are plenty of wonderful married couples who don''t have children.


Them: But don''t your parents want grandchildren?

Me: DH and I live our lives for ourselves and not for other people. Besides, my in-laws already have four grandchildren (two boys, two girls) and one more on the way. Also, I have two brothers who can provide my parents with grandchildren. So I think it''s safe to say that our parents'' need for grandchildren is covered.


Them: Don''t you think you''re being a bit selfish by not having children?

Me: Don''t you think you''re being a bit selfish by trying to change my mind about having children just because you think I ''should''?


Them: But who will take care of you when you''re old?

Me: If I decided to have children for that reason, I shouldn''t be a mother.


That''s just a small sampling . . . I''m sure I''ll think of more.

Kudos! I have heard them all too! I love your responses!

 

[Arkteia]

I have two kids and absolutely love them. And yet, thinking back, I can honestly say I did not really "want" them till they came. We had the first one because we were a married couple and everyone around us had kids... I was getting attached to him as he was growing in me, and later, and even now... The second one was totally unexpected, and we both absolutely adore him. My husband wanted him, but I can honestly say I did not plan on having a second child, too many things were on my plate at the time.

I can understand how some people do not want to have babies and even make conscious decision not to have them. There is nothing unusual in it and I do not think people need to give any specific reasons why they do not want to have babies. I accept it as easily as I accept people saying they''d absolutely love to have kids, or people who want to adopt.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 6/9/2010 6:35:07 PM
Author: Lil Misfit

Kudos! I have heard them all too! I love your responses!

Thanks, LM!

And another thing . . . I think it''s unbelievably rude to even ASK a childless couple about their plans regarding children. That''s very private, and it''s no one''s concern other than the couple''s. I mean, it''s entirely possible that the couple has tried everything and is unable to have children, or maybe they''ve suffered a miscarriage or something like that. Why is that anyone else''s business? And why does society seem to find it acceptable to ask these questions? It''s not OK to ask the couple how much they make, or how much they paid for their house, or how often they have sex. It''s not socially acceptable to ask an overweight person why (s)he is so fat, or to ask a disabled person why (s)he is in a wheelchair, etc. So why is it OK to ask a childless couple why they don''t have children, or when they are planning to have a child? I''ve never understood this.

 

[Amethyste]

My husband and I will not have kids.

I had a pretty harsh childhood - my parents are no longer here - and I just didn''t have good example to follow...

Plus, I am not maternal. I have a crying child in my arms and I am super uncomfortable. I cannot handle crying babies either... I get sweaty and really nervous.

I sound awful right? I rather NOT having children knowing already that I wouldn''t be a good mother than just go with the flow and "do what everyone usually does" and then figure out you are probably not cut out for this role... Cause a child is not an Ikea table. You can''t return it and say " I am sorry but it just doesn''t fit my lifestyle". Although, i have been told that once you hold YOUR OWN baby in your arms, things change...

Besides, I am in my 40''s and it''s getting a little too late I''m afraid...

 

[HVVS]

Them: But who will take care of you when you're old?

Groan. Does that even happen anymore? The only people I knonw of who are retirement age with grown children, have children who grew up and moved at least a few hundred miles away from their parents to wherever was necessary for jobs and self-sufficiency. And the parents stayed right where they had lived for decades, and are more financially well-off than their children and grandchildren.

I didn't have any children. I never even thought about children until I was at least age 30. By that time, everyone else was already married and procreating. I met a childless never-married man, and we married when I was 36. I wanted one, right away, but the husband put the brakes on that. Well, the marriage decayed rapidly after that.

Now, I rather wish I had skipped the marriage and had one child out of wedlock, by myself, and just enjoyed my career and my child, without having some azzhat mama's boy ruin years of my life in an endurance test of a marriage.

What makes my situation even worse, now, is that I live in a small rural, blue collar, all-Catholic town, and this place has more stay-home-housewives per square acre than anywhere else in the developed world. You betcha that locals give me the stinkeye and think I must be lesbian, or someone's mistress, because 1) I have no husband, so the problem MUST be me, right? and 2) I also have no children, and Lord knows a woman's highest calling in life is to breed, per the local superstitions, and 3) I work in science and technology. Golly Neds, what WOMAN even WANTS to WORK, much less have to do all that MAN stuff for a living instead of just prance around town in tight pants, spike heels, and a low cut blouse, looking like Peg Bundy in a Pontiac Sunfire convertible?

Whenever one of these dimwit broodmares with a G.E.D. or a barely-passed-12th-grade secretarial track education asks me why I don't have children, I just look her in the eye and say, as if in deep thought, "Well, I guess it's just because nobody ever convinced me that childrearing is more fun than s*x."

Yes, m'am, I AM moving out of this lower socioeconomic dump before the end of the summer.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/10/2010 9:14:11 PM
Author: Amethyste


My husband and I will not have kids.


I had a pretty harsh childhood - my parents are no longer here - and I just didn''t have good example to follow...


Plus, I am not maternal. I have a crying child in my arms and I am super uncomfortable. I cannot handle crying babies either... I get sweaty and really nervous.


I sound awful right? I rather NOT having children knowing already that I wouldn''t be a good mother than just go with the flow and ''do what everyone usually does'' and then figure out you are probably not cut out for this role... Cause a child is not an Ikea table. You can''t return it and say '' I am sorry but it just doesn''t fit my lifestyle''. Although, i have been told that once you hold YOUR OWN baby in your arms, things change...


Besides, I am in my 40''s and it''s getting a little too late I''m afraid...

Okay I''m risking getting flamed here but I''m gonna say it anyway

I think you would make a great mother and yes, having your own is different - hugely different. Other people''s kids suck lol

 

[Cehrabehra]

Kenny - how does your partner feel about having children?

 

[nytemist]

Grrrrr...

So, said friend that I mentioned earlier in this thread called me just yesterday. She and her husband are going to have people over for a barbecue and asked if we would like to come. These occassions are really the only time I see her now, as she likes to say "I''m a wife and mom and can''t go out doing the single person things anymore" (what? going out to dinner to catch up with your supposed best friend is a single person thing now?) The last get together they had, that I was invited to, there were three babies under 4 months old. At any given time, I had one of them in my arms. One of her other friends started calling me the baby whisperer since they were all being calm and quiet while with me.

I was considering going until she asked if the both us would be coming or just me. She is aware things are not going well with us. She hit me with the zinger last year saying that one reason why we aren''t doing well is because I didn''t change my name. So anyway, she says "well I didn''t kow if you guys could hang out together in a social situation". I said to her, "C, we are still civil and friendly to each other, that isn''t a problem." She sighs and says "See? If there had been children involved you wouldn''t be giving up. I still think you should try since a kid would keep you together"

Seriously?????

My brain just seized at that. Finally I say her, and then what? have the kid get so screwed up from feeling the apathy of the parents? Are you kidding me? Her answer, then your marriage wasn''t going to make it anyway if you weren''t going to give him children. That made me angry enough to hang up on her. It''s sad that she is so caught in the life script that I probably have to stop talking to her, at least for a while. I''ve known her since 7th grade and her husband and I get along like childhood buddies. Her son loves me since I get on the ground and play with his Tonka trucks with him and run like mad around in the backyard. I makes me crazy that she seems willing to give up a friendship simply because I don''t want to parent.

I have to say though, at that other barbecue with the babies, there was a picture taken of C, her SIL and her other mom friends and the kids. I am holding someone''s infant. When C put the picture on Facebook, her other friends complained since I looked too young and it made them feel bad since we are all around the same age. All I could think was- because I don''t have kids.

 

[waterlilly]

Date: 6/10/2010 10:32:37 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
Kenny - how does your partner feel about having children?

Check the beginning of the thread, he''s told us - page 1 or 2 maybe?

 

[monarch64]

Date: 6/10/2010 10:14:35 PM
Author: HVVS

Them: But who will take care of you when you''re old?

Groan. Does that even happen anymore? The only people I knonw of who are retirement age with grown children, have children who grew up and moved at least a few hundred miles away from their parents to wherever was necessary for jobs and self-sufficiency. And the parents stayed right where they had lived for decades, and are more financially well-off than their children and grandchildren.

I didn''t have any children. I never even thought about children until I was at least age 30. By that time, everyone else was already married and procreating. I met a childless never-married man, and we married when I was 36. I wanted one, right away, but the husband put the brakes on that. Well, the marriage decayed rapidly after that.

Now, I rather wish I had skipped the marriage and had one child out of wedlock, by myself, and just enjoyed my career and my child, without having some azzhat mama''s boy ruin years of my life in an endurance test of a marriage.

What makes my situation even worse, now, is that I live in a small rural, blue collar, all-Catholic town, and this place has more stay-home-housewives per square acre than anywhere else in the developed world. You betcha that locals give me the stinkeye and think I must be lesbian, or someone''s mistress, because 1) I have no husband, so the problem MUST be me, right? and 2) I also have no children, and Lord knows a woman''s highest calling in life is to breed, per the local superstitions, and 3) I work in science and technology. Golly Neds, what WOMAN even WANTS to WORK, much less have to do all that MAN stuff for a living instead of just prance around town in tight pants, spike heels, and a low cut blouse, looking like Peg Bundy in a Pontiac Sunfire convertible?

Whenever one of these dimwit broodmares with a G.E.D. or a barely-passed-12th-grade secretarial track education asks me why I don''t have children, I just look her in the eye and say, as if in deep thought, ''Well, I guess it''s just because nobody ever convinced me that childrearing is more fun than s*x.''

Yes, m''am, I AM moving out of this lower socioeconomic dump before the end of the summer.

HVVS: I am so glad to hear that you''re moving. You sound more lighthearted in this post than anything I''ve read by you. My sincere best wishes to you in your future endeavors--you''ve been through a lot of crap and I hope that this move brings positive changes your way.

 

[winelover23]

Date: 6/8/2010 8:35:28 AM
Author: fiery

Date: 6/7/2010 11:47:54 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 6/7/2010 12:54:20 PM
Author:kenny
Do any of you not want to be a parent?
I don''t.

It seems to be a taboo to say so.

(So sorry. I''ve asked admin to move this to Hangout)

I admire those that flat out say look, kids aren''t for me. No problem with it at all...

I think that''s great.

It''s not for you , no biggie.

Ditto this

Although I will say that sometimes when I talk to certain friends (or even certain PS members) who are on the fence about having children, I just want to scream DO IT! because I just feel like they would be awesome parents.

But I keep my mouth shut and just ditto the above

I totally know what you mean Fiery but I think if you''re "on the fence" you should wait it out until you are 100% sure.

I probably feel this way because my FI and I are in this camp right now. I have a 4 year old DD from my previous marriage and FI has no children. We''ve gone from both wanting one to him wanting one and me not wanting one to him not wanting one and me wanting one and now we''re not sure if either of us want one. Got all that? Anyway being "on the fence" is telling us we really don''t want one but neither of us have grown the nads to admit it.

 

[kenny]

Date: 6/10/2010 10:32:37 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
Kenny - how does your partner feel about having children?

He has wanted them a great deal from the day we met.
I told him I did not want them and if he wants them we should not remain together.
He stayed, but he still wants them.

I should add, this is not a crisis.
It is just there under the surface.
I know it is not healthy for him, but what can I do?

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 6/11/2010 3:24:20 PM
Author: kenny

Date: 6/10/2010 10:32:37 PM

Author: Cehrabehra

Kenny - how does your partner feel about having children?

He has wanted them a great deal from the day we met.

I told him I did not want them and if he wants them we should not remain together.

He stayed, but he still wants them.


I should add, this is not a crisis.

It is just there under the surface.

I know it is not healthy for him, but what can I do?

Kenny,

Would you ever consider leaving him? Or has it ever crossed your mind?

I know that''s a really personal and delicate question...but I did wonder...

It''s probably something I would think about if I were in the same situation...

 

[Lynn B]

Very interesting, thought-provoking thread.

I am from Team Kids-- we have 2 children, both are now grown. I always wanted kids, used to play house and play with dolls. We got married young, had a baby right away. His sister came along 9 years later. I have pretty much always been a parent and honestly don''t know what it''s like to be an independent adult without the responsibility of children. Sometimes it looks like a pretty good life, though!

It''s my opinion that raising children can bring some of life''s greatest joy -- and greatest pain. When it works like it *should* (IMHO)... (i.e., loving parents raise children to become mature, responsible, happy adults. When the parents become older and need help themselves, the children willingly assist with love and care back) it''s a pretty swell arrangement. But the reality is that (for any number of reasons), too many times it just doesn''t work like that.

I say, if you don''t want kids, don''t have them. And you don''t owe anyone any reasons!