LiW Not al all what I expected she''d say.....vent.

[KCCutie]

I talked to my mom last night. You can read all about why this was a big decision for me here: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/when-do-you-tell-mom.83935/


Well the first thing my mom said after I told her E and I were going to look for a place was "I don''t think anyone should live together before they are married." Unfortunately she means that very literally. They strongly disapprove of any couple living together at all until after the actual ceremony, and their church doesn''t like it and their pastor won''t marry anyone who is living together. I don''t want to get married at their church or by their pastor so I could care less what they think, but I do care what my parent think and so does my SO. Here''s how this went.

1st - She said there are other ways around it and that I could live with them before the wedding (sweet gesture NO THANKS!)
2nd - She asked if I was going to have a Christian Ceremony.
3rd - She asked if we would do pre-marriage counseling.

Then the more we talked she went from 1. You can live with us to 1a. If the house has 2 rooms you can have your own room (uh yeah I could but that''s silly) to 1b. Eric could live with his parents, to 1c You could lie to us and say Eric is living with his parents and make us feel better, to 1d Maybe if you agree to have pre-marriage counseling that will show your commitment to each other enough for us. Seriously she changes her mind every 5 minutes!

So I''m upset and I cried and, of course she''s like I didn''t want to upset you don''t cry. I think I just felt hurt. I mean she raised me and she did a darn good job and I''m not doing this to be rebellious or to hurt anyone or to cause problems it just happens to work out this way logistically and realistically. I hate that she''s pulling this guilt trip on me.

So I tell E that I talked to her (b/c I don''t want o keep anything from him) and what she said and he says "Ugh this is just so much more pressure!"

The absolute last thing I wanted was to pressure anyone least of all him. So we talked about it a lot (on the phone which he hates talking on the phone) and he doesn''t want to do it this way if it''s going to upset my parents, which is very sweet of him and I understand he wants to stay on their good side but UGH! he said maybe we should do this "the right way" well what is that exactly? Then he said we need to sit down and write this all out on paper (okay I''m all for that!). Then of course he suggested we just elope and really that looks better and better all the time.

He''s still saving up to buy my ring and he says that''s going to take time b/c rings aren''t cheap....I did tell him that I hope he doesn''t just walk into some maul store and pick something out b/c he can get a better diamond and a better deal elsewhere. Maybe we do need to sit down and write this all out and talk about his budget and show him how to use PS.

From what I know about his finances he''ll have enough to buy what he wants with some PS help by the end of the month but if he''s looking at B&M prices he probably thinks he''ll need through July.

So now thanks to my mom and her selfish super conservative guilt trip I might have to change all my plans. I don''t like the way this is starting out!

I''m really hoping that she''ll think about it and talk to my dad and see that she''s being ridiculous. If that fails my little sister is just so pi$$ed that I don''t think I can stop her form giving mom a piece of her mind and maybe that''s just what she needs.....I don''t know

If you made it through all this, thanks for reading an letting me vent a little.

What would you ladies do?

 

[gwendolyn]

Ugh. First of all, I''m really sorry your talk went down this way. I know from reading your other thread that you weren''t expecting this kind of a reaction, so it probably hit you even harder having it come from left field.

I think it''s pretty crappy when parents tell their kids they want you to lie to them--what is up with that? Deep down, she knows that you won''t be sleeping in a separate bedroom or whatever. Why would she want you to say that if it wasn''t true? How does that help anyone? I think it''s also a shame when people''s religious views push on other people. She is your parent, so she is probably feeling like she''s somehow failed because you don''t have the same outlook on living together before marriage that she does. With the way she was changing her mind so often, it sounds like she was doing a bit of panicking of her own, so she probably didn''t see this coming either. Maybe she thought she''d raised you to never consider living together before marriage?

I think the best step would be to reserve an evening to talk with your boyfriend about how important your parents'' opinions are about your relationship (it sounds like they are important, but it would be best to get it all out there in the open I think, just to be sure), and then figure out if you can adjust your plans to still get what the two of you want without offending and alienating your family if that''s something you want to avoid at all costs.

As for the elopement idea, seriously, if you have not been planning a wedding since you were a little girl, I''d TOTALLY say you should go for that. I know I want to--everything I read about planning weddings is too stressful and too expensive!

 

[Bia]

Oh my God, I couldn''t agree more with you Gwen! KC, I feel for you mama! This EXACT thing happened to my brother''s fiancé. Her family comes from a strict Catholic background. Ours is also Catholic but we are VERY laissez-faire about life and are not supremely religious. When her family found out they wanted to move in together, let me tell you, WHAT A RUCKUS!!! Naturally, my brother felt pressured because he wanted her family to like him but he also is very practical about finances. It made sense to move in together if they would be together all the time anyway! He proposed after only 7 months. And at 22 (he was 22 at the time) it seemed very young for him to get married!

Our family was much more practical about the whole thing. No pressure, whatever he wanted to do (but inside we thought "Just don''t get married so fast!!!"

). But to make her family happier they got engaged. Mind you, the family is still not thrilled their daughter is living with my brother (even though they love him) and even "pretend" that it isn''t really happening! To me, that is the craziest part, because it clearly is happening! Especially since they live in a 1-bdrm!

But I digress. KC, you have to do what makes you and BF happy. No pretending. I mean, you can be sensitive to your family''s feelings by not talking about it, if that makes them feel better, but don''t lie to maintain a sense of sanctity--that''s just ludicrous! You''re an adult. This is why religion irks me! Complicates life so much more than necessary!

Talk to your mom. Tell her you love and respect where she is coming from, but that she raised you properly and as a result, you know what you’re doing…whatever you decide to do. Be sensitive…it’s a different generation and many times, it can’t be helped.

 

[KCCutie]

Gwen - You''re right this was so from left field I think that''s why it made me cry.

I guess I kinda knew their church didn''t approve of couples living together but I didn''t think they totally agreed with it. See they are part of the pre-marriage counseling team at the church and they had a couple that lived together and they knew that the program the church follows doesn''t exactly accept that but they liked the couple and did the counseling anyway. Then 3 weeks before the wedding the pastor pulled out and said he couldn''t do their wedding and my parents were furious. I really thought they''d be okay with it if we were engaged first and we fully intend to do it that way.

I do think she feels like she failed somehow b/c I''m not 100% in agreeable with their views but that''s silly. How many adult children 100% agree with every belief their parent have...I''d say not many. I mean come on we''re not moving in just to erk her and I''m not pregnant or anything. I have to say we''re going about this a lot better than a lot of my cousins have....she should be proud!

Yeah E and I need to talk about this, and I kinda want to do it tonight but UGH tomorrow is my b-day and then mother''s day... this weekend is going to be stressful enough. Part of me wants to talk this out and de-stress this situation before everything else and part of me want to sweep it under the rug and enjoy the weekend.

We could totally elope......although my mother would never forgive me for that. But I never was the type to plan my wedding in my daydreams and we are planning a destination wedding as soon after the engagement as possible b/c E just hates the idea of a long engagement and hey I''m all for starting our life together ASAP

Bia - Yep exactly the same! Except E and I are 31 not 21. No we don''t want my parents to be really upset but I really hope we can compromise on this like ADULTS. I know that they love me dearly and they want me to be happy and they''ll get over it eventually even if we do just do it our way but I want them to be on board from the get-go. I''m just praying that after she gives this some time to sink in she''ll see that a compromise won''t hurt anyone here. Putting this pressure on E and I just isn''t worth it....or at least I hope it''s not.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/9/2008 11:06:56 AM
Author: KCCutie
Gwen - You''re right this was so from left field I think that''s why it made me cry.


I guess I kinda knew their church didn''t approve of couples living together but I didn''t think they totally agreed with it. See they are part of the pre-marriage counseling team at the church and they had a couple that lived together and they knew that the program the church follows doesn''t exactly accept that but they liked the couple and did the counseling anyway. Then 3 weeks before the wedding the pastor pulled out and said he couldn''t do their wedding and my parents were furious. I really thought they''d be okay with it if we were engaged first and we fully intend to do it that way.

But a lot of people think differently when it''s about their own kids than someone else.

I do think she feels like she failed somehow b/c I''m not 100% in agreeable with their views but that''s silly. How many adult children 100% agree with every belief their parent have...I''d say not many. I mean come on we''re not moving in just to erk her and I''m not pregnant or anything. I have to say we''re going about this a lot better than a lot of my cousins have....she should be proud!

I agree that she should be proud--she''s raised a beautiful, strong, loving, wonderful daughter who is makingher dreams come true! But, as unfair as it is, some parents have extremely high standards for their children and may be aware of the stats but think to themselves, "No, not MY baby, she would never do THAT!" I don''t know what it is--my mom''s like that with a lot of things. Not with my brothers either, just with me (I''m the only girl).

Yeah E and I need to talk about this, and I kinda want to do it tonight but UGH tomorrow is my b-day and then mother''s day... this weekend is going to be stressful enough. Part of me wants to talk this out and de-stress this situation before everything else and part of me want to sweep it under the rug and enjoy the weekend.

We could totally elope......although my mother would never forgive me for that. But I never was the type to plan my wedding in my daydreams and we are planning a destination wedding as soon after the engagement as possible b/c E just hates the idea of a long engagement and hey I''m all for starting our life together ASAP.

I don''t remember how soon you had wanted to move in together, but unless it''s like 2 weeks from now, I think you have time to relax this weekend. I usually find that I need some time (birthday or not

) to de-stress from these kinds of situations before being able to see things clearly again anyway. I think taking the weekend to chill is a good idea, and then talk with him next week.

It will all be ok, honey. You will figure it out. But for now, HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!!!!

 

[Dreamgirl]

I can understand you being upset with your Mother, but you still want to respect her too. It''s apparent that your Mother loves you a great deal and wants what is best for you. I wouldn''t push it anymore with her because you''ve already had the conversation. Your sister shouldn''t approach your Mother about the situation.

It sounds like your FF really wants to do the right thing and that is awesome. Sounds like he doesn''t want your Mother upset at him either. If he plans on proposing this summer, then don''t worry about living with him just yet. The time will fly by quickly and then you will have the rest of your life to live with him. I would just wait it out. What''s the hurry? Thats just my thoughts.

 

[KCCutie]

Thanks ladies!

Here''s the deal my lease is up on Aug 31th so we have a little more than 3.5 months. To me no big deal. Our plan was to look for a place and maybe pick it out but not move in till then and we would be engaged before the move. Apparently that''s not good enough for my mom right now. If we decide to give in I''ll have to pay and ridiculous premium to live in my apartment on a month by month basis until after the wedding and we''ll be wasting almost $700 a month that we could really use for our wedding. Of course she suggested I could move in with my brother....uh no we almost killed each other last time so that''s not going to happen again...or I could move back in with my parents at 31 I just can''t do it unless it''s like a few weeks max.

In my mind E and I are totally committed to each other and we''re going to have a ring to prove that to everyone and we''re going to set a wedding date that will be withing 6 months of the engagement. I can''t see throwing away almost $3000 in rent b/c my parents aren''t totally happy. They are (or maybe just she is) making too much of this it''s not like we''re going to live together for years before we get engaged. I feel like she just needs to think this through, act like the adult she is and compromise and be happy for me. It breaks my heart that the first words out of her mouth were not "I''m so happy for you!" which is why I decided to tell her this in the first place.

I''m not sure I can stop my sister for making her feelings on the matter known. She''s a little fireball and we all love her for that. I have to admit that when it comes to my mom my sister really does well with her. When my mom was scared and told us all she wasn''t going to do chemo my sister came home and dragged her to the hospital (literally) and now she so glad she did. Sometimes my mom just needs a swift kick to get her on track and in this case I think she working her way to being on the right track already.

 

[Pandora II]

I would have just told my parents that this was what was happening.

Your life and your choices are not theirs. Look at it this way, what would you say if you didn't want to live with your bf before marriage and they were saying - no way, it's into the double bed with you before marriage or we'll be very disappointed?

(I nearly had this one when I had my first serious bf at 18 and my mother kept wanting to drag me off to get BCP and there really wasn't any need, and she kept telling me that she couldn't believe I wasn't sleeping with him and it wasn't normal!

)

If you are adult enough to get married you are adult enough to make decisions based on your own values and moral judgements and your mother needs to understand this.

If you were 21 and needing their financial help then I would understand more, but at 31 it's really none of their business what your living/sleeping arrangements are.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 5/9/2008 1:21:40 PM
Author: Pandora II
I would have just told my parents that this was what was happening.

Your life and your choices are not theirs. Look at it this way, what would you say if you didn't want to live with your bf before marriage and they were saying - no way, it's into the double bed with you before marriage or we'll be very disappointed?

(I nearly had this one when I had my first serious bf at 18 and my mother kept wanting to drag me off to get BCP and there really wasn't any need, and she kept telling me that she couldn't believe I wasn't sleeping with him and it wasn't normal!

)

If you are adult enough to get married you are adult enough to make decisions based on your own values and moral judgements and your mother needs to understand this.

If you were 21 and needing their financial help then I would understand more, but at 31 it's really none of their business what your living/sleeping arrangements are.

Strongly agree. I was almost starting to feel harsh, given the first few responses on here!

You're an adult. Financially independent, presumably responsible overall, etc. It's YOUR life and frankly, I don't think you owe them an explanation or justification. It's not like we are talking about you doing something terribly self-destructive! You're in a healthy, happy, loving relationship and that's more than many people can say.

I think your parents need to realize that everyone has to form their own morals and make their own decisions. This is something that all parents go through as their children mature and enter adulthood. I'm sure they did a great job raising you but it doesn't automatically follow that you will share the exact same morals and values as them on all fronts -- and that is ok, part of being mature is thinking for yourself and forming your own opinions.

Honestly, I'd tell them to like it or lump it. You can't live your life to suit what they want you to do. In marriage, you and your SO will be forming your own, new family. You've got to do what you two feel is best for you as a couple -- whatever that may be.

Or in a less harsh, more diplomatic perspective, I think I would say something like this 'Mom, you know I love and respect you. Your opinion is important to me and I've taken that into consideration. However, for a number of reasons (could insert them here), we/I have decided that ____ plan of action___ is in our best interests. SO and I love each other very much and we hope that you will respect this decision and be happy for us as well. If you don't, we will be disappointed but we will understand. However, we are going to carry forward with what we have decided'.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Goodness this is tough. With money being an issue, I think if you want to move in when you are engaged in a few months, your Mom should understand that. You will already be getting married. Maybe just tell her that you prefer to be settled in a place together before the wedding to get everything squared away? And perhaps point out that the engagement wouldn''t be very long.......

Maybe your sister should talk to her after all!

Im sorry if I missed it, when will your SO be proposing? If he proposed very soon and your lease is up in August, you would have already been engaged for 3 months or so which means you''d only be living together for 3 months before the wedding. I don''t see how she couldn''t accept that.

 

[KCCutie]

Thanks Pandora II and absolut_blonde!

This is pretty much exactly how I see this. I mean I love my parents, but this doesn''t effect them at all! I''d like to be somewhat considerate of their feelings, and if it works out that we compromising won''t be totally cost prohibitive then maybe we''ll consider it. However if E just does not want to rock the boat then I''ll understand and I''ll do it for him, not for them.

I think part of the issue here is that at 31 I''m the first of their four kids (older brother 33, younger brother 25, and younger sister 24) to get anywhere close to marriage. They have their ideals of how they want it to happen and I guess I''m the first one to challenge that but I can assure you I won''t be the last. This is 2008 not 1950 or 1975 for that matter-things are different now and we all need to adjust.

I am responsible and my parents always tell me how proud they are of me. They did an amazing job with all 4 of their children they are always getting complimented on their family. We all four put ourselves through college and graduated with honors and we''re happy healthy productive members of society and that''s a lot more than can be said of plenty of others.

 

[purrfectpear]

You can''t have your cake and eat it too. If you really care about the respect of your parents, then 31 or not, you will not "live" (as in like man and wife) with your future FI. You claim you only want to move in because of "logistics" or finances, but if that were true you would have agreed with their suggestion that you share the apartment but respect their wishes of separate rooms. You say that''s "silly". Why is it silly if your true motivation was only to save money. Also you are not willing to live with your parents for 3 1/2 months (not a long time IMO). Just sayin''.

I suspect there is more to your desire to move in with the BF than you are admitting to yourself. I don''t see anything wrong with that at all. You ARE 31 and can make your own decisions. Part of being an adult is admitting to your true motivations. Then you can deal with your choices and the effect they may have on your family relations, both pro and con.

 

[KCCutie]

purrfectpear - I appreciate your point of view I really do. I know it may seem like I''m just stamping my foot and pouting and screaming "No! I don''t wanna do it your way!" like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum.....geesh how undesirable is that!

Please allow me to clarify that I have not said I''m going to do this no matter what. I do respect my parents wishes but I''d like to see a compromise. I''m not just going to go along with everything they suggest b/c I''m my own person. This won''t be the first time I make a decision that they don''t 100% agree with and I''m sure it won''t be the last. I think this is part of growing up and the changing of parent child relationships and I know it''s not easy but we need to get through this so we can continue to grow in our relationships. If we can find a compromise then the relationship won''t be harmed and we can all continue to grow, but I''m afraid that if either party gives in completely there will be resentment and the relationship will suffer and I know none of us want that.

The reason I say it''s silly for us to have separate rooms is b/c we spend 80% of the time together now (either he sleeps at my place or I sleep at his 5-6 nights a week sorry if that''s TMI) and to change that b/c we now live under one roof is just silly. I''d feel silly keeping up a charade for my parents, but if that''s what it''ll take to make them happy I will do it. I know my mom is not stupid and she knows we practically live together now why has she not brought up her problem with it sooner?

Not everyone has stellar relationships with their parents and while I''d like to say mine is great I''m just not sure it''s good enough for me to move back in with them AGAIN (I did it after college, before I moved to LA and when I moved back) and yes part of it is pride. I just don''t want to do it I can take care of myself I''m very independent and always have been and every other time I had to move back in with them it was very hard on me and my self-esteem suffered. Obviously that''s my problem not theirs-I realize that.

I totally admit that I want to move in with my SO b/c to us that''s then next step in this relationship and we think it shows our commitment to each other. I would much rather everything worked out perfectly and my lease was up in December rather than August but that''s just not the way it is. Unfortunately the complex I live in is very by the books and all leases are 13 months. If you don''t sign a 13 month lease you have to pay a large premium in order to extend your lease by anything less than 7 months (and even for that it''s more than a regular lease). And if we could get married in August we would but his sister is getting married in October and neither of us have the desire to interfere with her wedding plans so we wait until January.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 5/9/2008 3:32:13 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You can't have your cake and eat it too. If you really care about the respect of your parents, then 31 or not, you will not 'live' (as in like man and wife) with your future FI. You claim you only want to move in because of 'logistics' or finances, but if that were true you would have agreed with their suggestion that you share the apartment but respect their wishes of separate rooms. You say that's 'silly'. Why is it silly if your true motivation was only to save money. Also you are not willing to live with your parents for 3 1/2 months (not a long time IMO). Just sayin'.

I suspect there is more to your desire to move in with the BF than you are admitting to yourself. I don't see anything wrong with that at all. You ARE 31 and can make your own decisions. Part of being an adult is admitting to your true motivations. Then you can deal with your choices and the effect they may have on your family relations, both pro and con.

I disagree! Her parents respect for her should NOT hinge on whether or not she shares all of their ideals to a t. And saying that if she really cares, she won't do it, is just mind-boggling to me. You can care about your parents' opinions and still realize that your values/wants/needs still trump that as an adult. Caring doesn't negate your own desires and autonomy.

To me, that's as unreasonable as saying that 'if her parents really care about her happiness, they should want her to live with her FI'. It's not about that. It's about agreeing to disagree, realizing that's ok, and still loving and respecting each other in spite of that as reasonable, mature adults.

Again, it sounds like she is responsible and in a good relationship. Her parents don't have to love it if they move in together, but respect should be based on the person as a whole. Not one aspect of their life (particularly one such as this, it's not as though she's on drugs or something truly awful).

 

[KCCutie]

Date: 5/9/2008 2:25:16 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Goodness this is tough. With money being an issue, I think if you want to move in when you are engaged in a few months, your Mom should understand that. You will already be getting married. Maybe just tell her that you prefer to be settled in a place together before the wedding to get everything squared away? And perhaps point out that the engagement wouldn''t be very long.......


Maybe your sister should talk to her after all!


Im sorry if I missed it, when will your SO be proposing? If he proposed very soon and your lease is up in August, you would have already been engaged for 3 months or so which means you''d only be living together for 3 months before the wedding. I don''t see how she couldn''t accept that.

Oops! I don''t know how I missed this one! Maybe it''s just b/c we''re young that we say it''s only 6 months what''s the big deal. I know for my mom and dad it''s just the principle of the matter. Not the money or the timing. However I have a feeling when there''s ring on my finger she may feel differently, and she said this herself last night.

My SO wants to surprise me so I''m not sure what his personal plan is for the proposal, but from our talk last night I know he''s still saving and hasn''t bought the ring. He feels like he needs more time to save and if the topic comes up I might suggest he check out some PS vendors b/c I suspect he could get me exactly what he said he wants to get me (a .75ct Asscher or EC in a simple solitaire setting) for close to what he already has, but I think he''s been price shopping at B&M and maul stores

.

Off topic kinda but.... he just e-mailed me to see if I want to go shopping for my b-day present tonight or tomorrow

I''m hoping for a nice new handbag, but maybe we should talk budgets and plans before he splurges. I''d much rather have a smaller b-day present and ring sooner than the other way around. I just want the drama to end.

 

[Dreamgirl]

lol That''s fine no worries! I bet if she said that to you, then maybe she would feel differently once you have the ring.

 

[purrfectpear]

I think maybe you misundestood my post. I''m not saying she should bow to their wishes. I''m just saying they''ve made it clear that due to their strong religious beliefs she will lose respect in their eyes. It''s not about whether they SHOULD have those beliefs or whether they SHOULD respect her regardless, some religions have no wiggle room.

I''m not religious at all, but I''ve lived in the bible belt and am more than familiar with people whose moral standards are cut and dried.

The reason that her mom didn''t say anything before, was that she could "pretend" she didn''t know what was going on. Ignorance is bliss I guess. If they live together and share the same bedroom all pretense is gone.

OP, I realize you say you want some sort of compromise, but your mom offered several.

You don''t want a compromise. You want to live with him and have that be OK with your parents. That''s capitulation you''re asking for. A two-sided compromise is you moving in with him but respecting your parent''s wishes for separate bedrooms. That''s meeting you more than halfway.

BTW, if it was me I''d just move in and hope they got over it. But I''d also be prepared for the fact that with religious parents that decision might change my relationship with them for a long, long time.

It''s your choice.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 5/9/2008 5:19:33 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think maybe you misundestood my post. I''m not saying she should bow to their wishes. I''m just saying they''ve made it clear that due to their strong religious beliefs she will lose respect in their eyes. It''s not about whether they SHOULD have those beliefs or whether they SHOULD respect her regardless, some religions have no wiggle room.

I''m not religious at all, but I''ve lived in the bible belt and am more than familiar with people whose moral standards are cut and dried.

The reason that her mom didn''t say anything before, was that she could ''pretend'' she didn''t know what was going on. Ignorance is bliss I guess. If they live together and share the same bedroom all pretense is gone.

OP, I realize you say you want some sort of compromise, but your mom offered several.

You don''t want a compromise. You want to live with him and have that be OK with your parents. That''s capitulation you''re asking for. A two-sided compromise is you moving in with him but respecting your parent''s wishes for separate bedrooms. That''s meeting you more than halfway.

BTW, if it was me I''d just move in and hope they got over it. But I''d also be prepared for the fact that with religious parents that decision might change my relationship with them for a long, long time.

It''s your choice.

Gotcha, and I agree 100%. I would also move and let them just deal with it. But to each her own.

 

[Allison D.]

I'm very sorry you're disappointed, and I understand that it is disappointing. Still, I don't quite understand why you're upset with your mother.

You know that she's very conservative in her moral and religious beliefs, so it couldn't have come as a total shock that she would struggle with this news. I can understand that you were hoping she'd react more favorably to it, but she didn't. Why does that make her 'in the wrong' here?

Is she supposed to pretend it doesn't bother her? Is she supposed to set aside her beliefs? Is she wrong for feeling as she does?

Sharing her feelings and being honest that she's not overjoyed doesn't compel you to change your decision unless you let it. The ball is in your court, and you have a few choices on how to handle it from here.

You can say "I know it doesn't align with your personal beliefs, but we're comfortable with our choice and we hope you'll respect that it's our choice to make" and continue with your plan.

You can say "We're made this decision because we're comfortable that it's right for us and we are going to do it, but we'd like your blessing" (which is asking for approval, not asking for permission).

You can say "we want to do this, but if you don't like it, we are willing to discuss alternatives", which is more akin to asking for permission since you won't do it if she protests.

In all three scenarios, the choice is really yours as to how much you will allow her opinions/feelings to impact your decision.

Best of luck to you; I know it's not easy.

ETA: If you choose to try and meet them in the middle, one way to do that would be to become engaged now. You don't need a ring to be engaged; the ring could follow. If he asks you to marry him and you accept his proposal, you are engaged.

If you feel they won't accept the proposal without some sort of ring, then perhaps he can propose with an inexpensive gemstone ring. Either way, you would then be engaged and he can still save for the ring he wants to give you.

 

[KCCutie]

Thanks Allison and all the other ladies for their replies! After taking some time this weekend to relax and just let thing sink in I do feel better. I think that both of our responses to one another were more out of surprise than anything else and neither of us are really mad. We''ll get through it and we''ll get over it. When we get closer to moving in I may ask my parents for their blessing, but only if they seem a little more okay with it.

My SO and I have decided that we will continue to look for a place together and we will be getting engaged before we move move in. Hopefully by that time she will see that we are totally committed to one another and will be able to live with the idea of us living together.

This weekend we went out with some friends and family and I talked to my SO''s cousin who is also proposing to his SO this summer and he said his parents were not happy about them house shopping either, so it kinda make me feel better that this is just a generation gap type thing and it''s not just me. The next day all four of us had breakfast and then went house shopping.

I did tell E that we could just get engaged now without the ring or with a band or gemstone ring, but he didn''t like that idea. He knows what he wants to get me and he''s working on it and the way he is it has to be exactly what he envisions and it has to be nice. That''s just the way he is, for example: I asked for a new purse for my b-day and he just had to get me a new Coach nothing else would do....don''t get me wrong I love it but I just know he''s not going to compromise. I even tried to tell him he could get exactly what he wanted on-line for less and he wouldn''t hear it so apparently he has it under control. He will have the ring and propose before I move in, I trust him that this will happen and I hope everyone else can live with it.