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Next-Door Neighbor Vent

JewelFreak

JewelFreak

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
7,768
Got to get this off my chest. Sorry it's such a novel. My next-door neighbor is in his mid-50s, divorced, lives alone with 2 Siberians. We have a friendly enough relationship, which I keep a tad distant because he's 1. boring, 2. carries a grudge forever when he feels slighted, which is often, and 3. keeping pleasant w/someone who lives 50 yards away is important. He often asks DH & me to walk his dogs when he's out for a whole day. That's ok with us.

Roy has lymphoma, controlled for years with occasional radiation & chemo treatments. A couple yrs ago diabetes turned up. Since then his emergency admittances to the hospital have increased. He calls an ambulance, then me, to come over & keep his dogs out of the way while EMTs work on him.

These emergencies are always due to high BP or high glucose -- and I mean scary H.I.G.H.! I felt sorry for him until last month, when I saw on his kitchen counter after the ambulance took him away: a 4-pack of blueberry muffins; a 4-pack of vanilla muffins w/sugar crust; a family-sized bag of potato chips; a package of brownies. For a DIABETIC w/ cancer! In the meantime I'm walking his dogs 3 times/day & they're left alone. I can't bring them over here because my Siberian would start WWIII. Steam just came out of my ears, I was so mad.

The night of Dec. 23 he calls. "I have a medical emergency. Can you come over?" I waited for the ambulance with him -- his blood pressure was 248 over 214. Stroke-any-second territory! Glucose 184, ditto. This time they could not get it down -- he was in ICU until the 25th, finally he came home yesterday afternoon. I tramped to his house for his dogs over Christmas for 4 days -- in the mostly pouring rain.

I decided to clear his kitchen of all the sugary crap -- If this idiot wants to kill himself, he's welcome to -- but he'd better make provisions for his dogs after he dies, which will be soon. Into a trash bag went: 3 GALLONS of ice cream, a frozen cherry pie, pretzels, muffins, a brownie mix, 2 BOXES of Cadbury Cream Eggs, a 24-pack of Regular Coke, a few other things. Except for the frozen stuff, which I threw into his dumpster, I left the rest on his kitchen counter -- I want HIM to make the choice: eat it & die, or take a step toward living & toss it. Have not had a chance to talk to him since he got home yesterday -- I assume he's furious with my interference. I don't care.

Here's why I'm enraged: his dogs will finish up very badly if he dies. One is 11 -- a shelter will put him down immediately as unadoptable & he's very sweet. The other is a year old with an extremely iffy temperament, wonderful when everything's good but a fear-biter, unmanageable, when scared or angry. Unfortunately not a good candidate for a family. Likely to be put down too. This nimrod yammers constantly about how much he loves his dogs -- but prefers his muffins & ice cream to thinking about their welfare. He can't survive another episode like this last one. Today I'm going to tell him all this -- and tell him a gun will make suicide quicker & easier. But first, provide for your dogs! He has a choice. They do not. Sad to see somebody die of stupidity.

--- Laurie
 
I have no idea what compels people to continue along such self-destructive paths. He KNOWS that he is contributing to his extremely poor health, and yet he continues on unchecked. I see it all the time, and forgive it often in the young - driving too fast, texting or talking while driving, not wear helmets on bikes/motorcycles, etc. When it comes to proper adults, I am less understanding. Smokers? Drug addicts? Alcoholics? I understand that quitting/changing is difficult -- but isn't DYING more difficult? :rolleyes:

I don't blame you for snapping and proving a point with all the food. He is obviously unaccustomed to anyone challenging his lifestyle. Perhaps when you broach the subject with him, you can ask if he's made preparations for his dogs, as you will be unable to take them. I highly suspect he assumes you'll step in for good when he kicks the bucket. Maybe knowing that you're not able to do so will push him to start making better decisions.
 
Wow. I TOTALLY can relate to you in the rage that you feel in watching someone you know/care about just kill themselves slowly. It is a HORRIBLE feeling of helplessness and it doesn't go away. My Grandma was my most favorite person and also a HUGE smoker for all of my life. When I was little, she would watch me during the day and I would come home smelling like smoke. About 7 years ago, she went into ICU because her smoking put here there. She was then advised that she had COPD & emphysema (which she tried to hide from us for years!). She needed extra help around the house in doing her normal life things and we (her family) were able to watch her slowly deteriorate, all the while, just smoking her little heart out. She ended up getting on oxygen and continued to smoke! She lost her battle in February of this year and let me tell you, I did everything short of breaking up her cigarettes in order to get her to stop. The thing is, I know your heart is in the right place, but people don't change because you want them to, they change because they want to...or in both of these cases, they don't change. I don't get the whole addition thing where you're willing to continue doing destructive behaviors until you kill yourself. It's sad and a shame and a huge weakness!

You're probably going to get yelled at and you're probably not going to make him change. I DO hope that he listens to what you're saying about the dogs, because in all honesty, he is just a dead man walking.
 
I wanted to add that I'm sorry you're having to watch this and I'm sorry that you're picking up his slack. I did the exact same thing with my Grandma and it was terrible. HUGS!!
 
Oh JewelFreak I feel for you! I'm impressed you had the gumption to toss his stuff! Good for you!
Being a good neighbor can sure bite you in the a$$ sometimes.
We try to do good and look what happens. I hope it goes well for you, we have a neighbor who is a pain also.
She is quite old,91 lives alone and falls a lot!! She has a dysfunctional family who pay her no attention, I mean we lived next door for 5 years before I even knew she had grandchildren. Back then she was healthy and would give my kids Christmas gifts. I thought she had no one but her daughter I had
Met once, but no she has a daughter, son and 4 grandchildren and two great grands!!
Fast forward to last summer, she some how conned me into putting ointment on her skin condition in spots she couldn't reach.... I ended up seeing this woman's entire naked old body by the time we finished the summer! I was helping her shower, wash her hair and shopping and cooking for her.
Her daughter always has an excuse for not being able to help out.
She even called my son on his cell one weekend I was out of town, at midnight because her AC was making noise!!! That week I called around to help her get the ac fixed. 3 companies said same thing needs about 1800 worth of work. I get a guy to give her a senior citizen discount and she paid 1500. I stayed to watch the install and she had me write out the check, her hands shake.
Two days later the son I never met comes over to yell that I conned his mother she only needed freon in the unit!!
I let him have it as to how crappy a son he is etc....
He stormed away and never came back!
But Flo keeps calling!!
I got a call on 12/21 asking if I thought the world was going to end!!
We brought her dinner on Christmas and she said her son had called and asked her if he could store his BMW in her garage, because they were going on a cruise!
Long story sorry
Elisa
 
Elisa, you're an ANGEL for that old lady! Haloes all around you! It's incomprehensible to me how families can be so uncaring & self-centered; you see it too often. She sounds like a honey. You are her lifeline, like it or not, and nobody will thank you for it. Conned her, indeed! Yeah, all that money sure went into your pocket.

Stacy, it must have been very painful to watch your grandmother's decline. You have the consolation at least that you were there for her, much as you hated the necessity to be. It might help a little to know that she certainly realized what she was doing to herself -- and preferred living (& dying) as she did, to quitting smoking. It was a way she chose. Hugs!

I doubt my neighbor will change, in fact, and fully expect to be shouted at. If I can motivate him to provide for his dogs after he croaks, that will be enough. I've wondered if he expects me to take responsibility -- going to take care of that idea today. No way I can help & it will shatter my heart to see them taken away to an ugly terrifying end for them.

--- Laurie
 
Have you considered the fact that he is alone, has cancer and now diabetes? Did it occur to you that he might possibly be extremely depressed? Maybe he is being reckless on purpose.

I find it pretty offensive that you went as far as to throw out things from his fridge/kitchen. That was not your decision to make, nor should you have been rifling through his things. By all means, have a talk with him. But the throwing out stuff was passive aggressive. If the dogs are unadoptable and he has made no provision for them, and you don't want to take on finding a foster home for them yourself, then say so. If they will be put down, that's his choice too in a way. Help him to find a foster situation or tell him to arrange it with his family. Refuse to look after the dogs if you feel so strongly.
 
double post.
 
I know you're concerned about your neighbor's dog, JF, but I'm with Lyra on this one. My first thought in reading your post was how he may have depression and he's having difficulty dealing with everything he's facing. I find it hard to believe that he *wants* to continue life this way, but he might feel stuck. Depression and food issues are so hard to deal with.

ETA: I forgot to add that you really don't know what he's planning for his dogs. It's easy to pass judgment but other than what you see when you go to his house, you might not know him well enough to know what his plans are. If I was going through something like that, I'd rely on family and friends, not neighbors/acquaintances.
 
I would not have thrown his food away, only because I would have felt I was crossing the line.

Then again, I'm not that nice to even do half the things you're doing for this neighbor...

ETA: I'd be much more likely to interfere and even cross the line in some way on behalf of the dogs
 
lyra|1356620744|3340693 said:
Have you considered the fact that he is alone, has cancer and now diabetes? Did it occur to you that he might possibly be extremely depressed? Maybe he is being reckless on purpose.

I find it pretty offensive that you went as far as to throw out things from his fridge/kitchen. That was not your decision to make, nor should you have been rifling through his things. By all means, have a talk with him. But the throwing out stuff was passive aggressive. If the dogs are unadoptable and he has made no provision for them, and you don't want to take on finding a foster home for them yourself, then say so. If they will be put down, that's his choice too in a way. Help him to find a foster situation or tell him to arrange it with his family. Refuse to look after the dogs if you feel so strongly.
Click to expand...

This was my reaction as well, especially the bolded part. If I were in your situation, I would tell him that I've got too much on my plate and I won't be able to look after the dogs in the future. That will force him to make other arrangements. As far as going through his kitchen...well, that really wasn't your place. I understand you are frustrated, but he didn't ask you for commentary on his lifestyle choices. He asked you to look after his dogs, to which you agreed.
 
I'm sorry about your neighbor JewelFreak. What you did took a lot of courage to throw away all those things that are killing him and making your life miserable. And those poor dogs. Siberians are hard to rehome since they are so independent and don't listen. It's hard to find someone to take the time and work with siberians. My cousin has two and he has to constantly make sure his dominance is known or else the older Siberian tries to take over. But I commend you for taking charge. Hugs to you!!!

I also wrote a super long thing about my neighbor... She made me so angry last week... She accused my husband and I of something we didn't do. I wrote a long story but decided to erase it. You never know who could be lurking. :)
 
I wouldn't be surprised if he is thinking you would take care of his dogs after he is gone. Afterall, you are basically doing as such already, aren't you?
 
Jewel Freak, I agree with what you did. This man has brought you into his world on many occasions and enabling him is not the answer.

I assume he does not have any family you can talk to. So, when things calm down I would sit down with him and lay it all out. You will be happy to be his backup in taking care of his dogs, but will not be a party to him killing himself. If he wants to be destructive, then he is on his own.

I know I became depressed when I learned I was diabetic. It is a scarey and confusing condition. And if this man already has cancer, he probably feels piled on. I know you are only a neighbor, but if you can help him now by maybe setting him up with a nutritionist or getting him some counciling, it will help him and you in the long run.
 
Frustrating situation, but I'm with Lyra, too. You are a neighbor who voluntarily agreed to walk to the dogs. You were over the line with the food. You probably had an opportunity and an opening to have a conversation with him and now you've probably ruined the opportunity for a constructive, supportive, helpful conversation because you were in a pique.

I think you owe him an apology and then I would decline to be involved from this point forward if it makes you this upset.

I DO understand how infuriating a situation this is, and I'm sorry you have to be involved in it at all. Hopefully, it resolves quickly and peacefully. Best of luck!
 
JF, I am sorry you have to face this, and that your neighbor is going through this, and for his dogs, too. I agree with others that throwing out his food, even if it is poison for him, was maybe going a bit too far, but I think you did it out of sincere concern, which I think is important to remember.

Have you had the time to look into a Siberian rescue organization? I'm wondering if you were to find one now, you could make contact and ask for advice, possibly to pass onto your neighbor. Or, if you aren't comfortable with that, you could maybe contact them when the time comes, so they could contact your local authorities before other decisions or arrangements are made for the dogs.
 
Here's the situation.
1. This guy tells me all his troubles all the time -- medical, romantic, family; I'm one of the few he goes to. I've been through countless medical emergencies with him over 9 years -- because he called every time & asked me to. He is not a stranger & not someone I've chatted with no more than 2 or 3 times. I DO know the plans he's made for his dogs: none. "I'm not gonna die!" he says.

2. I didn't "rifle his things." I did not look anywhere beside the kitchen & only what showed when I prepared dog meals. I put into a bag, as I mentioned, the sugary glop on the counter in plain view & a box of brownie mix next to the dog food in the cupboard, plus 3 gallons of ice cream & a pie in the freezer. Poison. I left the bag on his counter for him to decide: throw away & live, or eat & die: Make him have to think about it. He spent 3 days in ICU with doctors desperately trying to prevent him from stroking out. After years of polite advice, sometimes drama is required to get the point across. This is life or death, not a tea party. I'd rather he be mad at me and alive, than dead or a drooling vegetable so I could think, "OH, I'm so glad I didn't offend him."

3. His mother told me, "Go ahead. I tried to throw stuff out & he bit my head off." She has to care. I don't.

4. I am a dog devotee. I did Siberian rescue for 10 or 15 yrs where we used to live, have shown dogs, was board member & pres of an obedience training club for 10 yrs, a dog behaviorist. I've gone to inconvenient lengths many many many times to keep his dogs safe -- for their sakes, not his. Here, I do not have rescue contacts. From experience I know there is NEVER enough rescue space, ever -- especially now when people are out of work & can't keep their pets, so many are given up. And there is never space for temperament troubles like his young dog nor for old ones like his 11-yr-old, sadly. I cannot take them; my dog would not allow them in the house. My point was that they do not deserve a horrible & short future because he won't give up his ice cream.

Depression over diabetes doesn't last the 3 or 4 years since his diagnosis. My DH is diabetic. My BIL is diabetic. You're shocked, mad, bummed, then you deal with it or die.

So, I talked to him this afternoon. Nicely, calmly, with compassion, as I always do. This episode scared him -- don't know how long that will last, but it got his attention. He was surprisingly contrite & we had a long conversation, where I told him much of what I said here, about his prospects for death with another such episode & the outlook for his dogs. He mentioned that hospital tests show his kidneys have been compromised by the diabetes. I think he gets it, but people have an enormous capacity for self-delusion -- I've seen this guy do that in the past. He gave me a hug & thanked me & we parted on good terms.

If you have criticisms, which is ok, please try to express them in a helpful way -- for the sake of getting people to listen to you. True advice: the usual holier-than-thou internet tone makes readers ignore whatever good thing you may say.

--- Laurie
 
I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Your last post explained a lot, and I am glad that your neighbor seems to be on a better track (at least for now). Big hugs to you -- you deserve them.
 
That's great you had the opportunity to express your concerns with your neighbour and I'm VERY glad it went well enough that you parted on good terms. I think you are doing an amazing thing for both the dogs and the man, but just stay firm about your boundaries.

This is the type of thing I deal with ALL THE TIME at work - we usually pull in community services/agencies to assist the person to manage their diagnosis and assist with keeping them healthy and safe in their own homes, for as long as possible. Is there a diabetes society that you could refer him to? Meals on Wheels (he pays and choses from the diabetic diet)? community dog walkers/services? If he returns to the hospital, and if you are willing, you could make a call to the Social Work department and tell them this tale - they would be able to get things initiated. However... all that can only be done if the person is willing and agreeable.

Not sure where you live, but could you contact the Health Department and see if there is a "gatekeeper" program? That service will like people to the appropriate service as well.

Good luck, Laurie, its a tough situation to be in --- just keep reiterating your boundaries to him.
 
Thank you, Enerchi & Dee Jay. The diabetes support in this city is excellent. Drs. set patients up with nutritionists, behavior therapists, etc., and load on tons of literature. I went through it with DH & was really impressed. Roy has had the same & continues, with all his emergencies, to see several varieties of specialists. He just hasn't listened to them.

I am going to lend him one of my diabetes cookbooks. It's tough when you live alone & don't cook much for yourself, I know. He usually goes out for meals -- but restaurants are not the best place for the food he needs, as he mentioned today.

My concern is primarily his dogs. He's a grown-up & can make his own choices otherwise. I'd rather not get more involved than I already am in his life so he doesn't lean on me more than he does now. Besides, I know he's had all the good advice DH got & more. He just has to believe it.

Thanks again.

--- Laurie
 
JewelFreak|1356637264|3340897 said:
If you have criticisms, which is ok, please try to express them in a helpful way -- for the sake of getting people to listen to you. True advice: the usual holier-than-thou internet tone makes readers ignore whatever good thing you may say.

--- Laurie
Click to expand...

Hope you didn't think I was being holier than thou. But if you did, oh well. I still disagree with your actions. ;))

Since your DH and BIL are diabetics (as I am also), you of course are well aware that sugar is not the biggest problem for diabetics. Not to mention the fact that now your neighbour is just going to make more of an effort to hide things from you or his family. A bottle of alcohol is far more dangerous to him at this point. A large serving of pasta, rice, or potatoes, just as bad or far worse than ice cream or pie. He could eat sugar by the tablespoon and it wouldn't really affect him that much. He's on diabetes meds I assume. A reading of 184 at a crisis point is not that bad. If it were 400, that's a different story. He may be eating the sweets if he has nausea, I don't know. At any rate, it has to be his decision to change things, not yours or his family. He may choose not to change anything, it's his right.

I hope your neighbour makes some changes, of course. I hope your talk helped him out in some way. It just seems though, that you care far more about the dogs than the man at this point, and it may be clear to him also. If you can't find a suitable rescue organization, then how will he have a hope? Maybe it's more worth your while at this point to just discuss arrangements for the dogs with his family and bypass him completely. Or have them hire a professional to come in and look after the dogs instead of you. Maybe that would be best.
 
While I think that you went to the extremes, I honestly think that is the only way to reach people sometimes! I know EXACTLY how you feel, as I totally flipped out on my Grandma more than once to try to get her to see things as they were, not as she wanted them to be with her smoking. It didn't work because she didn't want it to and because my Uncle and Grandfather just enabled her. When she was on oxygen and couldn't leave the house, they GOT HER CIGARETTES! I yelled at so many people about that, but in the end I wonder if I should have just threw out her stash and continued to do so everytime I saw her (which was weekly). I think you took a brave step and I'm glad that your neighbor saw that your heart was in the right place. It's a tough place to be in and sometimes people need drastic measures to see that a change is needed (like you throwing out his food and him almost stroking out, for goodness sakes!)
I sincerely hope your neighbor changes his ways and can plan for a better future for his pups
 
I'm glad he was receptive enough to have a conversation about this, JF. I'm not sure if the "holier than thou internet tone" was directed at me, but if it was, I'm not sure what to say about that. We would have handled this very differently, that's all. But like I said, I'm glad he felt comfortable enough to hear you out and discuss things.
 
As someone in health care, I also get upset when people don't take care of themselves. Not only because I have to break my back to move a 300+ pounder from the gurney to the operating table, but because I care about my patients and want them to live fuller, healthier lives. However, I agree 100% with Lyra. I think it wasn't your place to throw out anything in his house, be it in plain view on in the freezer. Perhaps a close family member could do that as an intervention, but in my opinion, it isn't the role of a neighbor/acquaintance. At any rate, I hope he develops some healthier habits after this.
 
Bravo JF! :appl: :appl:
By involving you so much in his life he made you defacto family so you had every right to do what you did.
 
Laurie, you are a good and caring neighbor. It is hard to know the mind of another person, but I am just guessing that if I had lymphoma and diabetes and was lonely, I might eat whatever I wanted, too??? Just trying to think why he made that choice. I think there are a lot of sad and lonely people out there. Elisa's neighbor's situation really makes me furious that her own children neglect her so!!! :angryfire: And I am always sad at the thought of what happens to pets when the owner dies.

I am glad your talk with him went well. It was good that he saw that someone actually cared enough to do what you did.
 
I have no advise JF then what others have already given you. I just want to say that you are a fantastic neighbor to be doing this.

There are animal groups that might be interested in helping out with the dogs when he does finally go- if that happens soon. Perhaps you or your neighbor could contact them to see if there are options vs. a shelter.
 
Hi JF,

I think you did exactly the right thing at the right time. It might wake him up. I personally think you are a lovely neighbor.
To me, thats what neighbors are about. You are a good person!.

Keep it Up, please.

Annette
 
Karl_K|1356652399|3341059 said:
Bravo JF! :appl: :appl:
By involving you so much in his life he made you defacto family so you had every right to do what you did.
Click to expand...

This is exactly what I thought when reading your post Laurie. You did a good thing and you had every right to do so IMO. Your neighbor and his dogs are fortunate to have you and I hope you are successful in getting through to him. And I really hope his dogs find a caring and loving home when he is gone. So sad that he doesn't even think about what will happen to them. He knows you cannot take them so his refusal to believe that day might one day come is quite upsetting. Good luck-I hope all your hard work with him pays off for everyone.
If more people were caring neighbors like you are this world would be better for it IMO.
 
Hi Laurie: I work with two area rescue groups that will take in seniors. One of them is Adopt A Husky. They currently have a 15 yr old female husky that was left at a shelter. They have rehomed quite a few senior dogs. I know the board members quite well who run this group so perhaps they could help if there is a need. The other group isn't breed specific but they only rescue senior pets, Young At Heart Pet rescue. Fantasic group, I host their Santa photo fundraiser every year. I don't know where you are located and certainly hope that there won't be a need to try to find a place for the dogs, but wanted to offer these resources. Best of luck with this tough situation.
 
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