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Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HELP

CAWineGal

Rough_Rock
Joined
Aug 30, 2011
Messages
2
Hi everyone. I am a long time lurker finally posting to get an unbiased opinion about a situation.
I just got engaged last Saturday after 3 years of dating. Although we made it official last weekend, we have been talking openly to family and friends about getting married on the Saturday of Easter Weekend 2012 in Disneyworld. We have had a hold on a location for a few months. Nothing paid or definite, but definitely brought up in conversation. Our families are spread all over the country, and we are on the West Coast, so we picked a weekend that would be convenient with kids spring break, vacations, etc. We are headed out to Orlando this weekend, something we had already planned in advance. While out there, we were going to finalize the date, place, etc. and meet with a preliminary wedding planner.
Last night, my brother and future sister-in-law ask us to log into Skype because they have something to tell us. To make a long story short, my sister-in-law is 5 weeks pregnant and due a few weeks before Easter weekend. They were calling because they knew we were headed to Orlando this weekend and they want us to change the wedding date. I had so many emotions at that moment, it sort of left me speechless. I didn't give an answer one way or another, but in between being obviously super excited for them, I am a little disappointed and confused. Not only is it extremely early to be telling people or determining an accurate due date, but if the baby is already born and my sister in law is feeling well, couldn't they work out a plan to just attend the wedding for a few days.

I am just wondering what everyone's thoughts were. I really want to keep my original plan and my fiance can't even believe she would ask us such a thing. Am I being insensitive? Thanks for your help.
 

tyty333

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
22,497
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

I know it stinks that everyone thinks they should have input on your special day but it really comes down to whats
important to you and your finace. I think it goes without saying that you wont be able to please everyone.

As far as bringing a new born baby on a long trip...If it were me I would not take my 2 week old baby on a big trip.
What were your plans for the wedding exactly? Would they bring the baby? I would not want my new-born around
a lot of people at that point. I have 3 kids and dont consider myself overly protective. Plus, my first son was born
10 days late...that would eat up a good portion of those 2 weeks and there would be no way I would be traveling.

As far as telling you early on (5 weeks pregnant), your BIL and SIL might have only spilled the beans this early because they knew you
were planning on making reservations and they would like to be there. You have to decide whats important to you...
pulling the wedding off as planned without BIL and SIL or waiting a few months and having them be there. Might be
determined by how close your fiance is with his brother...you would also want to make sure that the could definitly
could come if you did postpone a few months. If their chances of coming are only 50-50 then no need to postpone.
 

KaeKae

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 27, 2009
Messages
2,227
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

Congratulations on your engagement!
Some things that came to mind as I read your post, in no certain order:


  • Easter weekend is a very busy time of the year at DisneyWorld. The parks will be crowded, hotels at their most expensive and air fare expensive, too.

  • You mentioned spring break, are you sure that all families involved will have their break at that time? Some do it the week after Easter, some the week before, some in specfic week in March, and some a certain week in April.

  • You have two of the most emotional family events going on: wedding and baby. Neither is most important, but it may feel that way to you and your inlaws

  • Assuming the due date is accurate (I figured out mine before my doc confirmed it for me) babies don't always come on or near it. SIL very well may have that baby closer to your wedding date than you think

  • Even if baby comes on time, or a little early, many new parents do not want to bring a baby out to a crowded place, for fear of exposing him to germs. If they need to fly, that is multiplied, as a airplane is is recycled airconditioning, and will expose baby to everything/everyone on that flight

  • Right or wrong on the request, your inlaws are telling you one good thing: that they would like to be there for your big day.

I'm sorry, I'm not more helpful. It's hard to plan any big event where there won't be any conflicts. I know not every family member made it to my wedding, which was not a destination event, and everyone was within driving distance. I think a destination wedding is sure to have some one who just cannot attend.
 

Bleed Burnt Orange

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 22, 2009
Messages
765
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

The simple straightforward response is...you're still able to change the date of your wedding to accomodate the people you really want there. They, however, can't change being pregnant or when the baby would be due.

Ultimately, you should do what you'd really like to do, but be understanding of their circumstances as well.

As previously stated, announcing it 5 weeks in seems to have been for your benefit, since usually I believe couples wait much longer before letting others know.
 

chemgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 16, 2009
Messages
2,160
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

Congratulations on your engagement! A Disney wedding sounds like a fantastic idea.

I will second that Disney is extra expensive on school holidays. It might not matter for your family, but its still something to think about.

Also, I can understand why your family told you about the baby so early and asked you to move the date. They obviously really want to be there for you! Its really not realistic to expect them to travel that close to her due date. Basically you have to decide if you'd rather have the Easter weekend, or have them at your wedding. There isn't a right answer, its a tough problem. I'm sure they'll be understanding and supportive of whatever you decide.
 

vc10um

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2009
Messages
6,006
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

Here's the way I see it:

The only way you will be able to do anything remotely close to guaranteeing they will make the wedding is to get married before the baby is born, and WELL before the baby is born (like in the next 6 months). Or get married where they live, and not even THAT makes it a definite. Things happen. Babies arrive early, or late. Deliveries have complications, for the mother, the child, or both. Mothers get put on bed rest for one reason or another, sometimes as early as five months in! One thing is for sure...they're not going ANYWHERE within a few weeks of the baby's arrival. You didn't mention where they lived, but I'm guessing they would also have to travel long distance to get to Disney World. So, I would say that you shouldn't base your plans solely off whether or not they would be able to attend.

That being said, I think the other posters have brought up some extremely valid points with respect to Disney World over Easter weekend in terms of cost and crowds. Additionally, I know many University towns where the public schools have spring breaks which align with the University spring break because the parents of many of the students are University faculty. Then the kids just get a long weekend at Easter. So it's not guaranteed that your family will have spring breaks that align.

None of us can tell you what to do. But it sounds like you and your FI might want to have a good long conversation about this before heading to Orlando. (Enjoy your trip, by the way!)

ETA: Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement! You know we need to see the ring, right? :naughty:
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
9,294
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

If you really want them to be there and want it as convenient as possible for those with kids, have you considered doing it a few months later over summer vacation?

You might look (or even ask in the mommies of newborn to one year thread) over in the family section. I seem to remember a couple of similar questions over there where there was lots of great advice about traveling with infants or while pregnant.
 

amc80

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
5,765
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

I see why you picked that week, but to echo some of what of the other posters have said, that week can be tough. Plus not all schools have the same week off. Honestly, I'd prefer a non-holiday week- it's less expensive and less crowded.

We are getting married in Florida and then getting taking a cruise with about half our guests. We initially had it planned for the week of Thanksgiving, but found it was way more expensive (flights, hotels, the cruise itself, etc.). I've had several guests thank me for not doing it during Thanksgiving week.

I know, that doesn't answer your question. But to address it directly- it's up to you. Even if your SIL can't go, your brother can still go for a day or two. There will always ALWAYS be someone with whom your plans don't fit.
 

AmeliaG

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2011
Messages
880
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

Echoing what other posters have said about her not being able to travel within a few weeks of the birth. Some doctors advise no flying 3 months before and a month or so afterwards. Not all mothers follow those rules but if its her first child, she may be extra cautious.

About Disney World at Easter - it seems like you're trying to be very considerate of your families so that they can come to your wedding and maybe enjoy a couple of extra days at Disney World over Easter without having to take more time off. That's very admirable but I've never seen it work out that way even with the best of intentions.

No matter how much advance notice you give people, things crop up. Finances get tight, spouses get their own family commitments the same weekend, their kids get into the final of the volleyball tournament, etc. The people that care about you will make every reasonable effort to come to your wedding (some like your brother and FSIL will not be able to). However, even those that can come may not be able to avail themselves of the extra days to enjoy Disney World but they're still going to be hit with the higher plane/hotel rates because its 1) a popular vacation destination and 2) a holiday weekend.

Of course, if they care about attending your wedding, they will come but paying vacation level prices and not getting a vacation out of it can come as a rude shock to some.
 

centralsquare

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 18, 2009
Messages
2,201
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

I don't think it's realistic to assume they can make it to your wedding...you are best to assume they can't. GIven that, you'll need to decide if that makes you want to change the date?
 

HollyS

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 18, 2007
Messages
6,099
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

A wedding at Disneyworld at one of their busiest times in their season? :o Well, to each their own . . .

Have the wedding you want, when you want. Those who cannot attend, cannot attend.

NEVER, EVER let anyone else decide what you want, how it will be done, where it will be held . . . unless you are paying 0%. If parents foot the bill, it's their wedding. You just get to show up. (I'm not kidding. If it's your wedding, make sure you're paying.)
 

slg47

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
9,667
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

I wouldn't describe this as drama...I think it is nice that they are telling you. Now you have to decide if you want to accommodate or not. Personally if it was my brother...I would move the wedding since I would want him to be there.
 

Anastasia

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2005
Messages
451
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

I agree with SLG47. I don't consider this drama, or necessarily selfish on their part. The way that I see it is that they REALLY want to be at your wedding.

Easter is one of the busiest times of the year at Disneyworld. It is also one of the most expensive. I appreciate that you are trying to make things easier for your guests, but I'm an offseason kind of girl myself!!

Noone can force you to do anything. All that you can do is to look at all of the factors involved and decide what is most important to you. If it doesn't matter to you whether they attend or not, go ahead with your original plan. If it does matter, do what you can to accomodate them.
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

slg47|1314806029|3006392 said:
I wouldn't describe this as drama...I think it is nice that they are telling you. Now you have to decide if you want to accommodate or not. Personally if it was my brother...I would move the wedding since I would want him to be there.
Ditto this. I actually did end up picking a date specifically so my brother and his wife and kids (who all live in Sweden) could come to my wedding. I would rather everyone be there to celebrate with me. Besides, as others have said, a summer date would probably be better for everyone if you're set on having it at Disney.
 

jstarfireb

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 24, 2007
Messages
6,232
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

What a tough situation! I agree that it's not so much drama, but more that your family really wants to be at your wedding and did you the favor of letting you know before you set the date in stone. I think it would be really considerate of you to change the date, because taking a newborn on a plane isn't the greatest idea, so most likely they wouldn't be able to come. They'd also be exhausted from taking care of the new baby. I'm the last person ever to say kids should run our lives, but given how early you are in the wedding planning game and the other reasons for not wanting to have a Disney wedding on Easter weekend, I think I would change the date. Up to you, though, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for choosing whatever you do. It's your wedding!

However, that said...if you change the date, when WILL you have the wedding? If you have it a few months after they have the baby, there's still the issue of their being new parents and having to bring the baby along. Plus, summer in Florida is as hot as freakin' HADES. If you have it before she delivers, it's hard for women to fly in their 3rd trimester, so you'd have to have it during the winter...is Disney World even open then? Would you have enough time to plan a wedding from afar in 6 months or less?

There are just a whole bunch of issues either way, so that's why it's such a hard decision. I think what I would do is postpone it about 6 months or so and have it in the fall. That way the new parents will have adjusted to their baby and might even be able to leave the baby with someone at home (they might appreciate the vacation!), you'll have more than enough time to plan, and it won't be ridiculously hot.
 

CAWineGal

Rough_Rock
Joined
Aug 30, 2011
Messages
2
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

I just want to thank everyone for all their input.

My sister-in-law sent us an email last night that is was a false alarm, and she is not pregnant.

Besides being a complete stressed out mess over the last week, what I learned most is that we are never going to please everyone. We are moving forward with our plans as they originally stand and hope for the best. I realize a whole host of other unforseen circumstances can crop up. My sister-in-law has mentioned in her email that they are going to continue to actively "try" and that may effect their travel plans next year. Unfrotunately, I cannot take that into consideration at this point.

Thanks again and I look forward to being a more active part of this board over the next year.
 

Anastasia

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2005
Messages
451
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

I'm glad to hear that the situation has resolved itself, and before you made any changes to your plans.

You are right, you will never please everyone. You have given everyone plenty of notice, and they can plan accordingly.

I find it strange that they told you that they are going to still actively try, and that it may affect their travel plans. One minute, they are asking you to change your wedding for them, and the next they are telling you that they are going to continue to actively try which could prevent them from attending. Oh well, that is their choice.

Congratulations on your engagement and have fun with your wedding plans!! I am a huge Disney fan, so a Disney wedding sounds like a lot of fun to me. May you have no more bumps in your road!
 

blacksand

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2010
Messages
889
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

I agree that you can't arrange your wedding plans around their attempts at getting pregnant--there's just no way to predict when it will happen for them. You are right to go ahead with what you want to do. I do, however, hope your brother and sister-in-law are okay. It is heartbreaking to lose a baby, whether they actually lost the pregnancy or just thought they were pregnant and were not (losing the idea of a baby can be just as hard), so I hope they are doing well and have the support of their family and friends. I also hope you'll have just the wedding you want, whether everyone you want there can make it or not. Disney is one of my most favorite places. No matter what, you will have an amazing wedding there!
 

tyty333

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
22,497
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

CAWineGal|1314889686|3007400 said:
I just want to thank everyone for all their input.

My sister-in-law sent us an email last night that is was a false alarm, and she is not pregnant.

Besides being a complete stressed out mess over the last week, what I learned most is that we are never going to please everyone. We are moving forward with our plans as they originally stand and hope for the best. I realize a whole host of other unforseen circumstances can crop up. My sister-in-law has mentioned in her email that they are going to continue to actively "try" and that may effect their travel plans next year. Unfrotunately, I cannot take that into consideration at this point.

Thanks again and I look forward to being a more active part of this board over the next year.

WWWHAAAT? Did they really not know and told you they thought they were ...or maybe she had an early-on miscarriage?

I would definitly have a few positive prego sticks before I called and told someone that I was pregnant.

That was sort of odd on their part (unless it was a miscarriage and they dont want to say).

Well...carry on!
 

blacksand

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2010
Messages
889
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

tyty333 said:
WWWHAAAT? Did they really not know and told you they thought they were ...or maybe she had an early-on miscarriage?

I would definitly have a few positive prego sticks before I called and told someone that I was pregnant.

That was sort of odd on their part (unless it was a miscarriage and they dont want to say).

Well...carry on!
Ummm...they called early in the pregnancy because they knew there was still time for the OP to change her plans. Nothing odd about that. Also, while I understand why some pregnant couples prefer not to tell anyone until they are feeling more certain of the pregnancy, I don't see any reason why the couple should be made to feel they HAVE to wait to share the news with people they are close to. If I were pregnant, I would be excited to share that news with my family, and if it turned out to be a false alarm or a miscarriage, the last thing I would need would be people chastising me for having told them too soon. We're not talking about the boy who cried wolf here, we're talking about the loss (or perceived loss) of a baby. I would want the support of my family to get through that.

Now, OP, I am not saying you should plan your whole wedding around them--their attempts to start a family are important, but so is your wedding. You also deserve their respect and support, and I hope everything will work out as you want it to! Sorry for the tangent, it just really rubs me the wrong way that people think pregnancy/trying to get pregnant is something that should not be talked about. I think it's great they are keeping you in the loop about their plans, and you are keeping them in the loop about your wedding plans as well.
 

tyty333

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
22,497
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

Blacksand...if you read my first post you would have realized that I already understood why they called early on to let
them know that they were "pregnant". Understood and didnt have a problem with it (and actually explained it to the
OP). I dont know why you are assuming I (or anyone) would "chastise" the pregnant couple. Where did you come up
with that?
 

jstarfireb

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 24, 2007
Messages
6,232
Re: Newly Engaged and Already Wedding and Family Drama - HEL

Sorry to hear about their loss (miscarriage or false positive test), but good that you're not in an awkward position anymore. I agree that you can't make your wedding plans around a potential future pregnancy in your family...an actual pregnancy with a real, tangible due date is one thing, but nobody should expect you to change your wedding plans because they're trying to get pregnant and may or may not be able to make it to your wedding. Anyway, do consider the other (not family/pregnancy-related) reasons some of us have suggested for having your wedding on a different date, because I think there are some really good points...but otherwise good luck with planning!
 
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