Newbie logistics - surprise purchase or ask her first?

[nervous_ned]

Apologies in advance if this is a FAQ, but I can't find a clear solution to the following problem:

I had always assumed that the proposer (me) just goes and picks out a ring themselves and surprises the proposee (her). However, I've read numerous posts here where the lady wants to be involved in picking out the diamond and/or ring.

I'm not sure whether this is the case with my gf or not, though I don't think she has much knowledge or strong opinions about this kind of thing. Even still, I'm wary of dropping a big chunk of change (probably $10k+ in my case) on something that she isn't going to like.

However, all things being equal, I'd rather have it be a (near) total surprise.

I'm doing my best to educate myself by reading the forums here dilligently, but I'm not sure what to do.
Thanks.

 

[ChooChoo]

Depends on your girl, but personally I would hate to see my boyfriend spend $10,000 on a ring that was not exactly what I wanted. My suggestion: surprise her with a beautiful and romantic proposal without a ring, then buy the ring together. This way, she gets both the surprise and the ring she wants.

Other idea: ask her closest friends if she had ever talked about her dream ring with them before. If you're lucky, she might have even sent them a few pics, and you could get something knowing that she will love it!

Overall, I would suggest against spending $10,000 on a shot in the dark. Diamonds cost way too much to trade in or upgrade, and you would not want her wearing something and secretly disliking it!

 

[limey]

....or go with something relatively simple such as a simple solitaire setting holding an ideal cut round. read, read, read here about the importance of cut!!!!

Save a little money for the "real" setting that she can pick out or design around the stone you get. The $150-250 for a basic setting is all you'll be out.

Better yet go with a diamond store that has a very strong return or upgrade policy so if you miss the mark you can swap it for something she loves better. i.e. If you get round only to find out she had her heart set on a princess cut. I knew going into the anniversary upgrade that my wife prefered square diamonds over round, if you can at least figure this out you'd be golden.

FYI, here is my recent buying story: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-diamond-buying-experiences-a-must-read-for-budding-fiances-and-beginners-long.14907/

For $10k+ you have quite a budget to work with.

Good luck
Limey

 

[AtlantaC]

I played dumb and "casually" wandered into a jewelry store with my girlfriend to look around. We looked at all the jewelry, but I was particularly in it for the rings. I did that to get a sense of her overall taste (shape of stone, solitaire or side stones, simple or engraved). After that, I felt pretty confident that we liked the same things. Of course, that stirred up a little anticipation with her and her family, but I didn't propose until several months later with a stone and setting I picked out myself. The surprise was there and she loves the ring!

 

[chialea]

I saw a reply to a similar question posted a few weeks ago that suggested getting an engraved bracelet or necklace for the proposal, and then going to pick out something together, for a few reasons:
1. she may get attached to the ring, even if it's not what she wants, and may not want to exchange it
2. she may not be comfortable saying "really, I do want to exchange it"
3. you get all the fun of picking out the stuff together

personally, I thought it was incredibly thoughtful (and my SO agreed), and the bracelet/necklace would become a treasured keepsake and a nice memory. some people here thought it would be "too dissapointing". for me, it would be really relieving -- I want to have a large say in picking out something I'm going to be wearing for the rest of my life. (comfort is very important here

)

so it just comes down to what you think your girlfriend wants... I would love it, some people here would hate it.

 

[fire&ice]

As I have said before, if you are younger & your "group" is getting proposed to with rings - then get her a ring to propose. I would have been *very* upset if my boyfriend proposed w/ an engagement bracelet. People will ask to see the ring.

That said, do some sleuthing through a trusted friend. Also, a classic simple solitaire is always a classic - and fairly inexpensive if she wants to change the setting.

I did shop with my to be. He knows how picky I am. Also, I'm the shopper in the family. Only you know if you should involve your to be. Go with your gut. But, first I would gleen as much information to see if you can surprise her with what she prefers.

 

[verticalhorizon]

Try to get as much info out of her as possible, even if it's just a shape preference. Then, if she still doesn't give you too many clues to work with, get the best RING (rock and setting both important) that is in your budget.

I'm not a fan of proposing with a substitute or simple band, but that's just me... or I should say, that's just my GF.

I think your bigger question is whether or not you feel she would rather be part of the process.

My GF was NO help whatsoever. Drove me nuts. Good luck!

 

[limey]

Based on the timing of the release of the Jubilee I was unable to get it set in time for our anniversary, so I presented it loose. Rather than being an anti-climax it gave her the opportunity to see the diamond in all its glory, play with the HA viewer and Ideal Scope - turned out to be a really cool approach! Admittedly this is for an upgrade so it is not like she was looking to wear a ring immediately.

 

[Heaven Sent]

Proposing with a ring really is more memorable.

Surely talk to her mother, sisters, friends... (in confidence of course), she has most likely given them clues they can pass along. A best friend or sister could even go "window shopping on a secret mission" to get the clues for you.

Girls do that kind of thing all the time. Do your research

and look thoughtfully with her personality and hands in mind.

Our daughter had some ideas of what she wanted, but hadn't really seen that many options. Her brother had recently gone through all of the ring shopping business for his girlfriend, and saw how difficult a task this was for him.

She gave me some clues in case her anticipated intended just happened to ask. He didn't; but the ring he presented was far superior than anything she had imagined. It was gorgeous! Needless to say, she LOVES it!!

He did good... and I'm sure you will, too, my friend!

 

[adillus]

Another thing to consider is weather or not you're girlfriend will accept as nice of a ring as you would give her without her help.

I'm popping the question at the end of the month, and seriously considered going the temp-ring, or no-ring route. In the end, I've decided to go ahead and buy a ring on my own. This is mostly because I know she will enjoy being indulged with a nice (and, let's face it, expensive) ring, but she would never ask for one. If I were to take her ring shopping, she'd probably pick out the least expensive quasi-acceptable ring we could find.

If, in the end, she isn't happy with the style of the ring I chose, we can always get another. A ring doesn't instantly become worthless after it's bought. If she hates it, we'll sell it and choose another.

 

[ShopDiva]

If your familiar with what kind of cut diamond she wants (I made it pretty clear what I wanted long before it happened) then get it mounted in a simple setting (plain band) and go pick the setting out together after the proposal. That way she will have the rock to show her friends. Round and princess cuts are always safe bets, however, she may have a certain one in mind. 10 grand is a lot to spend...Good job, keep researching this site it's awesome! You can get a really nice size and quality stone for around 5000. and settings aren't much more depending on what it is. HAVE FUN!!

 

[Number6]

Of course, you can find out if she has diamonds already. If she does, she might have learned a little bit and knows what she likes.

I found that in my engagement ring search, I learned way more than my special lady knew about diamonds. (I think I bore her with the details sometimes. She just wants to know when it's coming. And that info is top secret!)