New LIW

[ella22]

I've been browsing on the forums for a while now (of course dying over all of the beautiful rings everyone posts), but I love reading the stories and advice on this forum, so I thought it was time to finally introduce myself.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years now...lived together the past year. I am impatiently waiting for an engagement, but I have a finally I'm going to be an LIW for at least another year to two years. Problem being the boyfriend and I are only out of school for a year (we meet and dated all through college). He is of the thinking that there are other things he needs to be putting money toward right now - college loans (I totally agree), credit card payments, etc. Responsibilities that I agree with! But then there's joining a "young adult" golf country club....video games...skiing trips...all things that add up to that ring I would love to have!

We discuss marriage all the time - we even know exactly what kind of wedding we'd like, down to location, guests, and dessert tables. For some reason though, he gets very uptight when I question him about the engagement. While I know and agree we have other financial obligations right now, it's definitely frustrating to see so much money going towards hobbies when he knows how important it is to me to have certain elderly family members at our wedding (and unfortunately time is of the essence in those situations!)

Friends of his are starting to get engaged or at least shopping for rings, so I think it's something thats creeping up on his radar, but I still am struggling to find a way to brooch the topic more seriously without him feeling like there is so much pressure on him to go out and spend thousands.

Would love to hear any advice you ladies have to offer!!

 

[butterflyblue]

5 years is a good time together. The issue being just out of school perhaps? You can drops hints or show him rings that are in a price range you think he would be comfortable with.. take him in jewelry stores and point out what you like. That way he has an idea, that it isn't mandatory to spend more than he can afford at this time. Good Luck!

 

[madelise]

If he's still uncomfortable talking about engagement part, I wouldn't go dragging him into a jeweler's yet. Find out why he's tense around that subject. Is it because he's feeling upset that it can't happen NOW due to your other responsibilities? Or is it just an anxiety inducing thing because the pressure is on him? Or is it because he's already secretly planning something and he doesn't want to spill the beans?

Keep the conversation open. Ask him about creating a separate bank account for bling bling funds. Suggest to put a certain % of your income into it so that it still is growing despite the ski trips and video games. The wedding itself is going to cost more than the ring, too, so it might be a good idea to work on saving up for that at the same time as quenching out those loans.

And then let him know there's no pressure on spending any certain amount. You two can choose together on the budget you're comfortable spending. Let him know that there's such a thing as upgrading as time passes, so there is zilch pressure now. Tell him you've found this awesome forum that will help you get the most bang for your buck, and that you'd love to start researching for him.

 

[ella22]

Thanks for the responses and advice! We actually had our first serious conversation about it in a while the other night. For him, the issue is definitely just not having access to the money and not wanting to get into more debt. I brought up that I was slightly nervous that perhaps the idea of marriage and a wedding is nice to think about, but when it comes down to the commitment and the thought of buying a ring and actually making it happen, it might not be as appealing. But he said that's not what it is at all...which definitely made me feel better. I know we're still young and there's time, but I also feel like there should be more serious, open conversations about it, otherwise we could be waiting forever!

He mentioned himself that he needs to start doing some research and asked me pretty specific questions about what I would like, but he still says it's not going to happen anytime immediately in the future. His grandpa has left him some money that he will be getting soon and he intends on putting a large amount of that towards the ring. He asked me about price ranges on average, and I said there is no way you can even come up with an average, it's all about what WE'RE comfortable with, and I think that made him a little more at ease too.

It's hard to know what the whole process is like coming from the male perspective, I think there is so much pressure to get it right and not disappoint, plus it is a lot of money. And while he makes a good salary, the area where we both work (but can't afford to live right now) is very wealthy and the average ring is probably 50k+. That's not at all the circumstances we are in, so I think a lot of my job right now is to show him that there's so much more to it and a lot of stuff that I love that's no where near that price. And still do it in a way where he doesn't feel like this needs to happen tomorrow (and yet it also can't happen 5 years from now!)

I keep living the forum open on the computer and hoping he'll just start browsing, but now that we've at least opened the conversation I think we'll be able to keep talking about it a lot more.