New LIW Needing Advice :)

[aaaaaaa7]

Hi all,

I was really excited to find this forum - it is exactly what I need right now. I met my SO in November whilst on a short-term assignment in a different country. Things got serious quickly and I cancelled my plans to return home. We moved in together in April. I made these dramatic life changes as I really thought he was the one. He would tell me that I am his dream woman, he wants to be with me forever and would discuss "where in the world should we live together". I made it very clear to him prior to moving in/changing my plans (and prior to becoming physically intimate), that I was doing all this on the assumption that we were going to build a life together. I had assumed we would get engaged pretty soon after moving in if all went well (and pretty much said that to him). Since moving in, things have been going really well. We are really happy together and have gotten to know each other much better. I love coming home to him every night and cooking etc. BUT, although he tells me all the time (like 4 times a day) that he loves me and is so happy to be with me etc, he has backed off talking about our future together. I asked him two weeks ago why this was the case and he said that he had been feeling a lot of pressure from me lately in that respect and that although he can see himself spending the next 50 years with me, it is not a decision he wants to make in the next few months. I am not sure what to make of this ... on one hand, what he said is fair, I had been putting a lot of pressure on and we have not been together that long but on the other hand, I am thousands of miles away from my family, in a job I don''t love and with very few friends around me. I am happy to make these sacrifices for the man of my life but it really hurts that he is backing off in this way. It is almost as if he "has" me now and that is enough. I think I can wait a few more months for him to make up his mind but what really hurts is that he is no longer sure ... I almost feel a little bit tricked although I know he did not do that intentionally. I would really like to make concrete plans for the future instead of being stuck in this limbo in terms of the relationship, the country and the job! Any advice from would be much appreciated xx

 

[atroop711]

sorry that this is happening. Before you moved in did you discuss engagement? marriage?

He may feel pressured and may feel why rush if all is great now...but he has to realize that you just want some reassurance that you aren''t wasting your time. All I could suggest is for you to go with your gut. If you really think that he''s backing out...then you need to make a decision if this is where you want to stay. You''ve given up a substantial part of your life for him...you deserve to know if this is going anywhere. Give him some time without bringing it up...but this needs to be talked about. When you do talk, make sure you are ready to back up anything you tell him.

GL

When my husband and I were dating...I didn''t want to waste my time with another long relationship going nowhere. After a 1yr and half..I told him..he needs to tell me if this is going anywhere because if it isn''t don''t waste my time. He knew what I wanted out of a relationship, he knew I had wasted 4 yrs in another relationship and didn''t want to relive that...I wanted to move forward and not stay in one place. He took my talk seriously and did promise marriage. We made a plan..and stuck by it (started to save money for a wedding, ect)

I hope it all works out.

 

[LilyKat]

I’m sorry you’re in this position.

If I had known you back in November, I would have strongly advised that you return to your home country and get to know your boyfriend gradually over time, long distance. Giving up your whole life for someone else is actually huge amount of pressure to put on them, and I am not surprised he is feeling that pressure. Conversely, I can see exactly why you feel tricked and used. I doubt he did it intentionally – it sounds like a case of initial excitement getting in the way of both his and your better judgment.

In your situation right now, I would tell him I loved him but that we both needed more space and time to develop the relationship. I would go back home, and communicate with him regularly via email, phone/skype, and so on. If it’s meant to be, it will last. In time, if you decide it is truly what you want, you can then work out where and how you will be together.

 

[susied]

I think LilyKat''s advice is perfect. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason.
As hard as it would be to leave, you shouldn''t have to be the only one to compromise on everything to make it work. Unfortunately, it will probably take you walking out the door for him to realize what he''s lost.
I hope things work out for you!