New LIW - disagreement on the size of the e-ring

[Olympias]

Hi everyone !

I have been lurking this section for awhile and decided to join now that we set up the wedding dates and an engagement time frame.

To make a long story short we have known for awhile that we wanted to marry each other and the past couple of months we have been trying to agree or compromise on some very important things related to either our our wedding (interfaith) and all the little things related to our multiculturalism and different faiths which might complicate a marriage or have an impact on potential children etc.

Anyway we are past this now and the fun part was supposed to begin: the ring hunting/choosing ! After months of looking and hesitating, I finally settled on a 3 stones tiffany setting platinum ring with a central round cut diamond F/VS2 and round sapphires. The jury was still out on the carat as I had yet to try them on. When we finally decided to go to a Tiffany store and try them on I came back really disappointed. I wanted the stones to provide a full coverage of my finger and in order to do so, I needed a central diamond of at least 2 carat and 1 carat for each sapphire. I could see with the options in store with central diamond of 0.25, 0.5, 1.0 that it definitely wasn't the case.. I really didn't like how they looked on my finger. The 1.5 central diamond was sligthly better though. When I discussed this with the 2 designers I would like my fiance to work with (we always said we would go custom made as he doesn't want a plain platinum band) they said that we could try to make 1.5 look less "awkward" by maybe changing the shape of the sapphires and other small things but it would probably never give me the coverage of a 2 carat central diamond.

I forwarded the emails to my fiance who was not really responsive and this, made me a bit sad. If he was a student, or a worker on a low wage who would need to get loan or work for 10 years to be able to purchase it, I would never ask for such ring because we both know how expensive it is - albeit still half less expensive than the same ring coming from Tiffany if we go custom. But in his case, it is equivalent to 3 months salary and the only reason why he does not want to get the 2 carat ring is because according to him a ring is neither important nor useful and he doesn't see the point of having such a big ring (I am a size 7.5 and have very long fingers - the ring does not look giganormous on me). He finally concluded by saying that buying such a ring would be a waste of his money and he would no go beyond is 6k£ budget..

I feel absolutely aweful to care so much about how the ring look and to have come to the point where I would prefer to not have a ring at all than a 3 stones that look ugly on me. It makes me feel like I am a very superficial and spoilt girl My mum does not understand why he is being difficult like that especially since the e-ring is his only big expense. In fact, we are eloping for our civil ceremony and will pay around 5k£ each inclusive of everything. He doesn't want a wedding band and I will be paying for my own anyway, the interfaith ceremony/"big" party is 100% taken care of by myself and my family. He didn't want to pay for that as it is a waste of money (again) but I really wanted a party with all my friends and family so I decided to foot the bill and handle everything... All in all, this engagement ring will be his only big expense.. We are not planning to buy a house, we have no loans, no financial hardship, nothing

I don't know if I should let it go, buy my ring myself or try and try again to explain that it is important for me.. but at the end of the day it is his money so I am not sure I should push and push again..

I am so sorry for the rant, I just don't know who I could turn to with this matter as I really really don't want to be judged wrongly. I am not interested by the bigger diamand and do not think that the bigger, the better. I never asked any gifts to my fiance (he is not the gift giving type anyway), I just hoped that he would try a little harder to make me happy with my e-ring even if he despises the whole industry and the hopla around it

 

[pandabee]

A warm welcome from lurkdom to the ladies in waiting side!!! First of all, *breathe*...it'll be okay!! Guys sometimes take a while to come around to the idea of spending that much on a piece of jewelry when they aren't used to spending that much money period, much less on themselves or someone else. Try to approach it in a "cost per wear" idea...as in you will be wearing this beautiful piece of jewelry for many, many years and the amount you are spending now will be worth it when you count how many days you will be wearing this ring. Especially considering you don't have any other big expenses coming up, hopefully he will come around.

Second, does it have to be one of the local designers you want him to work with? I ask that because it is possible that you may be able to get a better deal if you work with one of the online vendors, even when including customs import fees. Here is an example (I don't know if this is the best example of quality sapphire sides as they are about 0.5tcw for the sapphire pair and they are heat treated if that matters to you) of a setting and you would just need to add in the cost of the diamond (which you would have to get from them should you choose this vendor) http://www.brilliantearth.com/Three-Stone-Diamond-and-Sapphire-Trellis-Ring-Platinum-BE503TSB2R4-532/

Here is another example of a sapphire sidestone setting, and James Allen would be a great place to find a well cut center diamond too: http://www.jamesallen.com/engagement-rings/three-stone/platinum-three-stone-round-blue-sapphire-engagement-ring-item-16644 (bonus, it includes some real life pictures of recently purchased rings!)

I'm not sure how much your budget translates over to US $ but if you post over in RT I think it could be doable to do a 1.5ct center with 1ct sides. SanDiegoLady has a great example of a 1.51ct center with 1.06ct sides on each side [URL='https://www.pricescope.com/forum/post1577187.html#p1577187']https://www.pricescope.com/forum/post1577187.html#p1577187[/URL]

Good luck!!!

 

[Mico]

First, I'm sorry you feel so down. We initially encountered the same problem. He increased his budget and I decreased my diamond expectations and I ended up with a beautiful eyeclean 2ct I SI2 diamond in a solitaire setting. I plan on buying a wrap later (search the forum for bliss transformer for my inspiration piece) to bling up my solitaire when needed.

Have you considered these options to try to meet his budget? Maybe if he sees how hard you are looking he will increase?

 

[bc25]

First off wow your future fiancée sounds A LOT like my soon to be. You described mine haha and I want you to know I was in your shoes with the same feelings its normal and to not give up and dont settle,he will come around ..as mine did
BEST OF LUCK

 

[soxfan]

would you be open to having the center stone be a large sapphire and diamonds as the side stones?

 

[gem_anemone]

Congrats on finding your love and moving forward in your relationship. When two people are in love and have completely different ideas about the ring and the budget it can be a difficult situation, however, to me marriage means compromising for the rest of your life and the ring is just part of that. I don't think that means that you should comply with what your boyfriend wants, but I also don't think that means you are necessarily going to end up with a 2 carat rock with two 1 carat sapphire sidestones either. After reading your story my opinion is that you should try to compromise to fit within the budget he is comfortable spending or at least come close to it if he is willing to give a little more for a ring that is close enough to what you want. Seriously you should ask yourself what you would be willing to compromise to get down closer to the budget. IMHO the budget he provided is very substantial (I did the conversion for those of us in the US - it's approximately $9,600) and I think you may be able to get something to cover your finger within his budget if you compromise on either size, color, clarity, cut, metal type, non-custom, or consider a preloved diamond/ring. There are lots of nice folks who hang out in the RockyTalky section of PS who could help you get close to what you want for under or close to his budget. You may not end up with a exactly your dream ring, but you may come up with something that covers your finger more to your taste that you can be happy with.

My other suggestion is you could see if your boyfriend would be open to you contributing to the cost of the ring to get something closer to what you really want.

In my case my boyfriend gave me a budget, we went shopping together, and when we realized what little we could get for the budget he upped his budget AND I contributed to get what I wanted. I was lucky in that it was important to my boyfriend for me to have a ring that we were both happy with and proud of.

 

[SMC]

Congrats! I think you should have a talk with your future fiance and determine what he thinks is a reasonable amount to spend on a ring. I think the "3 month salary" thing was created by jewelry folks to trick dudes into spending more money. He doesn't love you any more or any less if he did or didn't spend the 3 months. I would have been annoyed if he spent 3 months salary on a ring. The ring is the step you take before committing to spending the rest of your lives together, and the future expenses that you should be planning for are so much more important (this is just my opinion). Instead of spending 3 months salary, we started a college fund and bought both term and life insurance.

Anyway, talk to your bf, and once you work out a budget, the nice people on this forum would probably love to help you out! Congrats on your upcoming engagement!

 

[Olympias]

and thank you for your input, your advices and not thinking I am a spoilt brat

A warm welcome from lurkdom to the ladies in waiting side!!! First of all, *breathe*...it'll be okay!!

Thank you! Even if it doesn't sound too good for now..

Guys sometimes take a while to come around to the idea of spending that much on a piece of jewelry when they aren't used to spending that much money period, much less on themselves or someone else.

I am definitely in this case scenario.. We recently move in together and he didn't want to buy anything but his sound system + TV. I had to fight for days to get curtains and a dining table

Try to approach it in a "cost per wear" idea...as in you will be wearing this beautiful piece of jewelry for many, many years and the amount you are spending now will be worth it when you count how many days you will be wearing this ring. Especially considering you don't have any other big expenses coming up, hopefully he will come around.

We just had the same discussion again and I did try to explain that but we came back to the "I am not paying more than 6000£/9,700$ for this engagement ring and I am not compromising on this" So...

Second, does it have to be one of the local designers you want him to work with? I ask that because it is possible that you may be able to get a better deal if you work with one of the online vendors, even when including customs import fees. Here is an example (I don't know if this is the best example of quality sapphire sides as they are about 0.5tcw for the sapphire pair and they are heat treated if that matters to you) of a setting and you would just need to add in the cost of the diamond (which you would have to get from them should you choose this vendor) http://www.brilliantearth.com/Three-Stone-Diamond-and-Sapphire-Trellis-Ring-Platinum-BE503TSB2R4-532/

Here is another example of a sapphire sidestone setting, and James Allen would be a great place to find a well cut center diamond too: http://www.jamesallen.com/engagement-rings/three-stone/platinum-three-stone-round-blue-sapphire-engagement-ring-item-16644 (bonus, it includes some real life pictures of recently purchased rings!)

I'm not sure how much your budget translates over to US $ but if you post over in RT I think it could be doable to do a 1.5ct center with 1ct sides. SanDiegoLady has a great example of a 1.51ct center with 1.06ct sides on each side [URL='https://www.pricescope.com/forum/post1577187.html#p1577187']https://www.pricescope.com/forum/post1577187.html#p1577187[/URL]

Good luck!!!

SanDiegoLady ring is absolutely gorgeous and it is exactly the way I would have wanted my ring to look like on my finger.

I was absolutely not set on working with a local jeweller but my fiance didn't want to go for a chain or luxury brand so that was the best compromise in order to be able to customise it. Anyway he just browsed the brilliant earth collection and the ring he could be interested in retails at 11K$/7k£ (1ct F/VS2) which is over his budget. He just told me that he might be able to negociate a better price with a jeweller to fit his budget...

First off wow your future fiancée sounds A LOT like my soon to be. You described mine haha and I want you to know I was in your shoes with the same feelings its normal and to not give up and dont settle,he will come around ..as mine did
BEST OF LUCK

Thank you ! It really does not sound like he will budge (to be fair, he actually increased his budget of 2k when he saw that we could not get something sensible with 4k£/6.5k$)

would you be open to having the center stone be a large sapphire and diamonds as the side stones?

Our first idea was actually to have tanzanite (we decided to get married in the first place in Tanzania) in the center and diamonds on the sides but then we realized that sapphires was my birthstone so we went for it..But then we didn't really like the sapphire center stone and diamonds on the side so we swapped.. But yes it should have been less expensive.

Congrats on finding your love and moving forward in your relationship. When two people are in love and have completely different ideas about the ring and the budget it can be a difficult situation, however, to me marriage means compromising for the rest of your life and the ring is just part of that. I don't think that means that you should comply with what your boyfriend wants, but I also don't think that means you are necessarily going to end up with a 2 carat rock with two 1 carat sapphire sidestones either. After reading your story my opinion is that you should try to compromise to fit within the budget he is comfortable spending or at least come close to it if he is willing to give a little more for a ring that is close enough to what you want.

I compromised on the clarity and the color and went from E/VVS to F/VS2 and now he doesn't want to go below F/VS2 anyway. I tried to but he actually despises those who compromise on color/clarity to get a bigger carat . As for the cut, he does not find the other cut delicate enough so he put his foot down for princess and emerald cut. He does not like oval/pear and really hates strong cut. I also wanted gold at first but it doesn't really bode well with his religion so I settled on platinum instead which seems more expensive... But yes I really only loved 3-stones, I am not a solitaire girl at all and he find solitaire too classic so he is not excited about that either :/

Seriously you should ask yourself what you would be willing to compromise to get down closer to the budget. IMHO the budget he provided is very substantial (I did the conversion for those of us in the US - it's approximately $9,600) and I think you may be able to get something to cover your finger within his budget if you compromise on either size, color, clarity, cut, metal type, non-custom, or consider a preloved diamond/ring.

He doesn't want to get me a preloved ring.. I actually found the tiffany I wanted on ebay and he said it was weird and bad luck I personally could compromise on cut and metal but he and I can't compromise on the 3C but he would be able to compromise on the carat but not the cut or the metal so we are just running in circles..

There are lots of nice folks who hang out in the RockyTalky section of PS who could help you get close to what you want for under or close to his budget. You may not end up with a exactly your dream ring, but you may come up with something that covers your finger more to your taste that you can be happy with.

I will try to post over there but I don't really know what to ask..Should I just say that I am looking for a 3 stones ring which cover a size 7.5 finger with a F/VS2 center stone? I guess they will need a bit more clarifications, no?

My other suggestion is you could see if your boyfriend would be open to you contributing to the cost of the ring to get something closer to what you really want.

In my case my boyfriend gave me a budget, we went shopping together, and when we realized what little we could get for the budget he upped his budget AND I contributed to get what I wanted. I was lucky in that it was important to my boyfriend for me to have a ring that we were both happy with and proud of.

He doesn't want me to, or else I would have done it already and/or order it myself
We briefly touched the subject again and he said we should keep the 1ct center stone and maybe in the future he will feel more confortable letting me pay for the upgrade (as he will never do it)

Congrats! I think you should have a talk with your future fiance and determine what he thinks is a reasonable amount to spend on a ring. I think the "3 month salary" thing was created by jewelry folks to trick dudes into spending more money. He doesn't love you any more or any less if he did or didn't spend the 3 months. I would have been annoyed if he spent 3 months salary on a ring. The ring is the step you take before committing to spending the rest of your lives together, and the future expenses that you should be planning for are so much more important (this is just my opinion). Instead of spending 3 months salary, we started a college fund and bought both term and life insurance.

Anyway, talk to your bf, and once you work out a budget, the nice people on this forum would probably love to help you out! Congrats on your upcoming engagement!

I definitely know that, even if sometimes it is a bit hard to compare myself to other friends who are in a relationship with people who are naturally generous like I am. I often struggle with his "no present policy" but anyway

Our problem is that he has financially, even if we are both under 30 we are still very financially secure on our own so we it is not a case of choosing to get a bigger ring vs setting up a life insurance or a more rewarding financial product or buying a house or planning for the future. I think that's the reason why I am so sad about it.. We are already started to plan the wedding (ok I plan and he says yes, no, maybe) and I would never think of setting myself a very rigid budget which would prevent me from getting something I deem essential at whatever cost it comes - since it would not have any disastrous consequences on any long or short term plan - just because I decided a year ago that I would no go over X amount.

I will have a look at the rocky talk and try to see if I can find something else as he is definitely compromising anymore. Then I will just have to hope he likes it (he doesn't want to be bothered looking for everything on his own either so I am the one learning about stones etc and giving him a selection )

I am so sorry I sound very ungrateful but this has been going for months already and I am just really sad and delusionned already I wish he didn't ask me to look for everything, at least, I wouldn't have had any expectations..

Thank you everyone for your ideas and recommendations. I really appreciate them

 

[Rhea]

It sounds like the ring is bringing up a lot of other issues in the relationship such as his no present policy, his cultural expectations for platinum rather than gold, and his emphasis on getting a television and sound system over curtains and dishes. Those may seem like small issues, but they're actually quite important. I'm less concerned about the engagement ring than I am about you having to argue for days to spend money on curtains. How does he feel about building a home with you and what does building a home mean to him? We all make compromises in relationships and it's not abnormal for whoever feels more strongly about a particular subject to win, but it sounds like he's not taking your feelings and opinions into consideration, putting them aside because he doesn't feel the same way. That doesn't bode well for the future.

As for the ring, we argued over it a lot as well except for us it was after the fact. Ultimately it's his money and he can spend it however he likes and as little or as much of it as he likes. It appears rather than surprising you he's letting you have a lot of input into the present, which sounds like a good start. Have you priced out what your dream costs? It's a heck of a lot more than £6,000. Do you know how and why he came up with that figure? I live in England and no one I know personally has a ring over half a carat unless it's a family ring. To see a 2 carat on the tube is a mind blowing experience and I immediately assume they are an American.

If you two cannot come to an agreement I would suggest putting the ring on the back burner and buying an amazing wedding ring. You may be shocked at how the rings lose importance over time other than being sentimental and sparkly. I went from hating my ring and not wearing it throughout my engagement to be rather indifferent. I'd be upset if I lost it only because of the sentiment. For me it's not worth arguing over. He's generally a good husband who makes up for it in other ways. Like giving in and agreeing to have black dishes

As for your dream ring, if you don't get it now as an engagement ring, there's always the potential to save up and buy it for yourself in the future. I know it's not the same, but I'm not sure what else you can do. I hardly think you're a brat, but in reading your posts I'm not convinced this is just about a ring.

 

[gem_anemone]

Olympias, from what you said about all the ring decisions already made by your boyfriend it doesn't sound like any compromising is going on on his end. He is not being sympathetic to the fact that you want something with more finger coverage. If he doesn't want to fork up the cash or let you contribute financially then he needs to compromise on something else. I would talk to him again.

BTW I agree with everything that Rhea said. For someone who doesn't care so much about jewelry and says it's "neither important nor useful and doesn't see the point of having such a big ring" he really seems to care a lot about the diamond selection (F/VS2) and jewelry selection (platinum/no preloved). I feel like he can't have it both ways. You want something bigger than he can afford, so he is going to have to give in to something. It just seems like he wants you to have what he wants and not at all what you want. And if this falls into other aspects of the relationship you are going to be fighting about stupid stuff (table and curtains etc) with him for the rest of your life or just giving in to him every time, which will wear on you eventually.

Lastly, has your boyfriend even seen a diamond that is higher color than F? F is pretty darn white. G and H are also pretty darn white. You can save a lot of cash by going up in color and the diamond would not at all look warm at H or even I. Maybe you two can go to a jewelry store and find out what REALLY is the highest color he could go and still be happy with the diamond and not feel like he was compromising too much.

If I was going to talk to the people in RockyTalky I would not give them an unattainable situation. 2 carat F VS2 for 6K pounds is probably not happening. I would tell them the budget and the design/approximate carat you want since that is what is important to YOU and then see what they come up with. From what I'm seeing and I'm no expert nor did I spend a lot of time looking, for $10500 (~6550 pounds) you can get like a 1.4-1.5 carat round (~7mm) at I/VS2 in a three stone platinum setting at James Allen. In that case you would compromise on carat and he would compromise on color. See what I'm getting at? He needs to compromise too. Approximately the same diamond at an F color is 3.7K pounds more!!! That's half his budget!!

 

[vintagelover229]

Have you looked at vintage/estate rings? You might be able to find something with sapphires that fits the budget and fits your hand. I know many PSers tried on rings that they thought were their dream ring only to find it didn't make them as happy as they imagined.

This one is very unique
http://www.rubylane.com/item/726095-JWL430/Floral-Edwardian-1-57ct-Diamond

Not as big but the setting gives you more coverage
http://www.rubylane.com/item/514555-rl-718/1-75-Carat-Diamond-Sapphire

Another stunning design
http://www.rubylane.com/item/785451-RS-741404825036A/Platinum-Antique-Deco-Diamond-Sapphire

Stunning halo
http://jewelsbyericagrace.smugmug.com/Jewelry/Modern-and-Estate-Pieces/3ct-Sapphire-Halo-Ring/26275319_CBDvN2#!i=2188157132&k=Wfds2X5

Lighter sapphire
http://www.rubylane.com/item/161033-14957/Cornflower-Blue-Sapphire-Diamond-Ring

Another stunning vintage ring/setting combo
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Art-Deco-Platinum-Diamond-and-Sapphire-Engagement-Ring-2ct-diamond-total-weight-/300988045123?pt=Diamond_Solitaire_Rings&hash=item4614491743

3 stone
http://www.ebay.com/itm/24000-4-80CT-NATURAL-SAPPHIRES-DIAMOND-RING-THREE-STONE-CLASSIC-/290895802235?pt=US_Fine_Rings&hash=item43babdaf7b

That was 5 minutes of searching-so I'm certain you can find something you'll love in budget that gives you the coverage you are looking for

 

[soxfan]

Honestly, he sounds like he's just regurgitating information he found on the web. "Won't go below this color, won't go below that color." "Despises people who choose size over quality."

He's stubborn, selfish, and set in his ways. He's buying sound systems and you have to fight with him for days over curtains and a table to eat dinner at??????? He sounds like a complete jerk. Sorry, but he does.

This ring is not HIS. It's YOURS. It should be what YOU want.

Go post your exact specifications in Rocky Talky, you will get a lot of help over there. But I'd think long and hard about whether his behavior is a prelude to how things are going to be down the road....

 

[SMC]

Honestly, he sounds like he's just regurgitating information he found on the web. "Won't go below this color, won't go below that color." "Despises people who choose size over quality."

He's stubborn, selfish, and set in his ways. He's buying sound systems and you have to fight with him for days over curtains and a table to eat dinner at??????? He sounds like a complete jerk. Sorry, but he does.

This ring is not HIS. It's YOURS. It should be what YOU want.

Go post your exact specifications in Rocky Talky, you will get a lot of help over there. But I'd think long and hard about whether his behavior is a prelude to how things are going to be down the road....

Wow, this is a heated response. I don't think your fiance sounds like a jerk. If anything, he just wants what he's heard as the "best" (probably from various friends or jewelers). You just have to work with him to inform him of the options. When I first started shopping for rings, my fiance was all over the brand names like Tiffany's and Cartier - you just have to educate him and show him pictures of what you can buy.

Sure, the ring is about what you want, but he's the one spending the money. He should be comfortable with his purchase.

 

[pandabee]

I really hate to see everyone putting down the OP's relationship based on what she is complaining to us about. I'm sure there are many other good qualities to OP's DBF and this behavior alone is not enough to make her re-evaluate their entire relationship. That said, if you cannot learn to come to a compromise, then we will have some issues. It does look like you have some good ideas over in RT and similar to what I saw in another current thread (and is frequently brought up generally), if you have him actually see GIA graded F vs. G vs. H vs. I stones in a store, he may find that he thinks that the near-colorless grades are just as good as the extremes but will save him quite a bit of money.

 

[soxfan]

Honestly, he sounds like he's just regurgitating information he found on the web. "Won't go below this color, won't go below that color." "Despises people who choose size over quality."

He's stubborn, selfish, and set in his ways. He's buying sound systems and you have to fight with him for days over curtains and a table to eat dinner at??????? He sounds like a complete jerk. Sorry, but he does.

This ring is not HIS. It's YOURS. It should be what YOU want.

Go post your exact specifications in Rocky Talky, you will get a lot of help over there. But I'd think long and hard about whether his behavior is a prelude to how things are going to be down the road....

Wow, this is a heated response. I don't think your fiance sounds like a jerk. If anything, he just wants what he's heard as the "best" (probably from various friends or jewelers). You just have to work with him to inform him of the options. When I first started shopping for rings, my fiance was all over the brand names like Tiffany's and Cartier - you just have to educate him and show him pictures of what you can buy.

Sure, the ring is about what you want, but he's the one spending the money. He should be comfortable with his purchase.

Sorry, didn't meant to sound "heated." However, he has said he will not compromise. He has stated his expectations and has refused to budge. Unless I'm missing something, and I've read through this entire thread, so I don't think I am?

 

[SMC]

Honestly, he sounds like he's just regurgitating information he found on the web. "Won't go below this color, won't go below that color." "Despises people who choose size over quality."

He's stubborn, selfish, and set in his ways. He's buying sound systems and you have to fight with him for days over curtains and a table to eat dinner at??????? He sounds like a complete jerk. Sorry, but he does.

This ring is not HIS. It's YOURS. It should be what YOU want.

Go post your exact specifications in Rocky Talky, you will get a lot of help over there. But I'd think long and hard about whether his behavior is a prelude to how things are going to be down the road....

Wow, this is a heated response. I don't think your fiance sounds like a jerk. If anything, he just wants what he's heard as the "best" (probably from various friends or jewelers). You just have to work with him to inform him of the options. When I first started shopping for rings, my fiance was all over the brand names like Tiffany's and Cartier - you just have to educate him and show him pictures of what you can buy.

Sure, the ring is about what you want, but he's the one spending the money. He should be comfortable with his purchase.

Sorry, didn't meant to sound "heated." However, he has said he will not compromise. He has stated his expectations and has refused to budge. Unless I'm missing something, and I've read through this entire thread, so I don't think I am?

I'm sorry, it's just hard to gauge tone when using written words, so the use of multiple question marks and capitalization had me inferring "heated." However, I don't think that it's appropriate to call someone's fiance a "complete jerk" and suggest that just because he's not willing to spend more money on a ring or compromise on what he thinks is "quality" means that there is trouble boding in the future. The OP knows her SO the best. She should evaluate the scenario and make the character judgments.

 

[madelise]

I've read through this and wanted to comment earlier, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. First… and most important, welcome to PS and the LIW.


I agree with soxfan that it seems to be that he's very influenced by standards of other people. However, it seems you are, too. You say 3 months salary… that's that regurgitated junk that de beers or whoever else decided to shove down a lot of Americans' throats. And you're not even American! You think your fingers are large, but they're not. You want whole finger coverage, but that costs a lot of money. I get it. I have huge fingers, and I've always always been jealous that I don't get the same finger coverage that someone with smaller fingers get. I get it.

But where I don't agree with soxfan is that you can't delegate the engagement ring. You just can't. It's something that he gifts you. You can hit a brick wall with your head over and over by arguing with him about this, but I honestly don't feel it's worth it. 3 months' salary is really too much for anyone to spend on one piece of jewelry if that's not what they want to do. It doesn't matter how rich or poor one is. 3 months' salary is really just too much. I hate that rule. Whenever factoring %s into areas of necessity, I always think maybe 5 to 10% of one's salary is a good amount to start putting away to the side. That means that 3 months' salary means he'd be on a budget saving for a minimum of 2.5 years, up to 5 years. That's a long time. Anything other than that plan, it means he has to go on a CRAZY money-stretch to allocate specific funds into a "ring fund" just for you. Life has to be on hold. Cut back on living, cut back on food, etc etc. It's not easy.

I'm always for the idea that a woman should decide what ring she should be "wearing for the rest of her life". She should. You should. I'm totally for it, and totally think that's a great idea. But don't forget that this is a gift. And it is absolutely rude to be telling someone what to gift you, and how much to spend on that gift. You can talk to him. Tell him your preferences. Ask if you can choose. Ask if you can share the cost so that you can get something more expensive. If he's okay with this-- meaning that you're not forcing, coercing, whining, etc-- great! You get what you want! But if he doesn't want to budge, which this is what I'm understanding from your post, you can't can't can't force him. You just can't.

What does that mean? Don't buy it for yourself. You can't piss him off over this whole thing, then say "screw it!", buy it for yourself, then shove it in his hands to propose with. It'll piss him off and start you two off on a horrible foot. But you do have plenty of choices!!!

1: You wait to upgrade it yourself. Give him time to come around to the idea. You might not LIKE waiting for your dream ring, but hey, you either lose your partner or lose your ring, right? At least losing the ring may be temporary. Get as big of a diamond center you can afford with his budget. Then after x amount of time, you bring up the subject of an upgrade. Anniversary? Promotion at work? Child's birth? Use that diamond as the centerstone, then reset it into a 3-stone with your sapphires. Or take Mico's idea, and create a "transformer" enhancer to just add on to your ring.

2: Similarly, waiting to upgrade yourself, but up the whole diamond, too, if it's not to your liking.

or

3: Buy whatever dream ring you want for yourself. It's not going to be your "engagement" ring. It's YOUR ring, something YOU saved up for and purchased. But you get what you want. Gift it to yourself.




I really do hope you the best, but I know what it's like to live with a partner who doesn't understand things he doesn't care for. My FI doesn't care for home furnishings or bling either. He also doesn't care for a wedding (but neither do I). We are two very very cheap people. We butt heads over what is worth money or not because we both have two very different "splurges": mine jewelry, and his cars. Maybe you can compare your love for your one "holy grail" piece of jewelry to something he really loves? His sound system? Maybe that comparison will get him to soften up, or maybe it won't. But I hope that your relationship doesn't sour because of this petty thing (like some people are insinuating). It's really just one other THING that doesn't matter much in the long run. You have bigger things to worry about. Marrying someone from a different culture is hard enough. Don't add more tension to it. Being engaged (and newly married) is supposed to be a gloriously happy time, but that's a bunch of smoke and mirrors… it's also stressful like hell! They say that the first year or two of marriage is the hardest work, but I say the engagement period is just as hard. Learn to compromise for this just like you did for your cultural and religious differences. Don't let this get in the way!

 

[pandabee]

I've read through this and wanted to comment earlier, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. First… and most important, welcome to PS and the LIW.


I agree with soxfan that it seems to be that he's very influenced by standards of other people. However, it seems you are, too. You say 3 months salary… that's that regurgitated junk that de beers or whoever else decided to shove down a lot of Americans' throats. And you're not even American! You think your fingers are large, but they're not. You want whole finger coverage, but that costs a lot of money. I get it. I have huge fingers, and I've always always been jealous that I don't get the same finger coverage that someone with smaller fingers get. I get it.

But where I don't agree with soxfan is that you can't delegate the engagement ring. You just can't. It's something that he gifts you. You can hit a brick wall with your head over and over by arguing with him about this, but I honestly don't feel it's worth it. 3 months' salary is really too much for anyone to spend on one piece of jewelry if that's not what they want to do. It doesn't matter how rich or poor one is. 3 months' salary is really just too much. I hate that rule. Whenever factoring %s into areas of necessity, I always think maybe 5 to 10% of one's salary is a good amount to start putting away to the side. That means that 3 months' salary means he'd be on a budget saving for a minimum of 2.5 years, up to 5 years. That's a long time. Anything other than that plan, it means he has to go on a CRAZY money-stretch to allocate specific funds into a "ring fund" just for you. Life has to be on hold. Cut back on living, cut back on food, etc etc. It's not easy.

I'm always for the idea that a woman should decide what ring she should be "wearing for the rest of her life". She should. You should. I'm totally for it, and totally think that's a great idea. But don't forget that this is a gift. And it is absolutely rude to be telling someone what to gift you, and how much to spend on that gift. You can talk to him. Tell him your preferences. Ask if you can choose. Ask if you can share the cost so that you can get something more expensive. If he's okay with this-- meaning that you're not forcing, coercing, whining, etc-- great! You get what you want! But if he doesn't want to budge, which this is what I'm understanding from your post, you can't can't can't force him. You just can't.

What does that mean? Don't buy it for yourself. You can't piss him off over this whole thing, then say "screw it!", buy it for yourself, then shove it in his hands to propose with. It'll piss him off and start you two off on a horrible foot. But you do have plenty of choices!!!

1: You wait to upgrade it yourself. Give him time to come around to the idea. You might not LIKE waiting for your dream ring, but hey, you either lose your partner or lose your ring, right? At least losing the ring may be temporary. Get as big of a diamond center you can afford with his budget. Then after x amount of time, you bring up the subject of an upgrade. Anniversary? Promotion at work? Child's birth? Use that diamond as the centerstone, then reset it into a 3-stone with your sapphires. Or take Mico's idea, and create a "transformer" enhancer to just add on to your ring.

2: Similarly, waiting to upgrade yourself, but up the whole diamond, too, if it's not to your liking.

or

3: Buy whatever dream ring you want for yourself. It's not going to be your "engagement" ring. It's YOUR ring, something YOU saved up for and purchased. But you get what you want. Gift it to yourself.




I really do hope you the best, but I know what it's like to live with a partner who doesn't understand things he doesn't care for. My FI doesn't care for home furnishings or bling either. He also doesn't care for a wedding (but neither do I). We are two very very cheap people. We butt heads over what is worth money or not because we both have two very different "splurges": mine jewelry, and his cars. Maybe you can compare your love for your one "holy grail" piece of jewelry to something he really loves? His sound system? Maybe that comparison will get him to soften up, or maybe it won't. But I hope that your relationship doesn't sour because of this petty thing (like some people are insinuating). It's really just one other THING that doesn't matter much in the long run. You have bigger things to worry about. Marrying someone from a different culture is hard enough. Don't add more tension to it. Being engaged (and newly married) is supposed to be a gloriously happy time, but that's a bunch of smoke and mirrors… it's also stressful like hell! They say that the first year or two of marriage is the hardest work, but I say the engagement period is just as hard. Learn to compromise for this just like you did for your cultural and religious differences. Don't let this get in the way!

Well said.

 

[kb1gra]

I am finding some of the replies to this thread unbelievable.

Sometimes I think PS lives in an alternate reality world. Are you really listening to what she is saying?

She is having fights with her boyfriend because he has ONLY set a nearly $10,000 budget for her engagement ring and it's not enough money to buy the TWO CARAT diamond and she won't settle for less.

I battled for a long time with what to post but, you know what? This IS completely spoilt and materialistic.

Think about what is really happening here:

1. The carat weight was 'up for discussion' and anything less than 2ct was just 'not good enough'
2. He has already increased the budget almost $3000 to accomodate what she wants, but that's not good enough either.
3. Even if s/he compromised and went down to I/SI1, the diamond she wants is $14,000 in US dollars. That's not leaving another $3k for a platinum setting with 2ct of sapphires. We are talking about a $19,000 piece here.
4. The reasoning why she 'deserves' this piece is that they have enough money for it and she doesn't see why it should be spent on anything else (or saved) and similarly with the wedding, 'I would never set a firm budget that would keep me from getting exactly what I want'

As the poster above me said, there are options here. However, it is his gift to you. If he doesn't want to spend more than $10,000 on this-- can you really fault him on that? even if you talk about it as price per wear, it's just like your favorite stereo is to you, etc, that is just a huge amount of money for one tiny object. If it were any other gift she'd be run out of town for being spoiled and ungrateful, but because it's an engagement ring it's okay to just keep pushing him about it until eventually he either gives in or breaks up with you?

There's other options. You could get a white sapphire stone. There's a lovely 2ct oval white sapphire on gemfix right now for a whopping $775. You could get a simulant (though we cannot discuss those here).

I personally think he is putting his foot down not only on the budget but also the quality of the piece because he is fully aware that there is no way to get what you want for what he wants to spend no matter how much massaging of the requirements you do. He's not going to put in more than double his budget and it's not reasonable to ask him to no matter how much you think he should.

god knows that I know what it's like to have an SO who loves to spend on the things he loves but hates to spend on the things you love. I agree it is completely annoying. But you know who he is, and what you're getting, and you can either live with that or you can't. To a lot of men, jewelry is just.not.important. I have a large ring, but only because I brought the center stone to the table myself so he spent about $4k on the setting and side stones for my 3-stone ring. He allowed me to do that because he is cheap, and because I didn't buy the stone myself. If I had bought it, it would have pissed him off. And I told him in no uncertain terms that if he used the savings to buy the corvette he wanted, that I would take the diamond to the side of that corvette on its first night in the garage since he was a selfish prick. We have the kind of relationship where I can say that. You might not.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

If I were you I would drop my color and clarity requirements while maintaining a great cut to get bigger. You might also want to consider a bezel three stone rather than prongs, bezels can add some serious finger coverage. Or, and here's one I really like because it's unusual, five stone ring! Get a 1.25-1.5 center, then .75 sapphire sides and whatever size diamond would be needed at the ends, maybe .30's each? A few people on PS with larger fingers have done this and it's an extremely elegant look which can help get the coverage while keeping the budget. If you're having the ring custom made anyway you can do what you want! Check out the show me the bling, there's def a few ladies who have done graduated 5 stone as ERs.

 

[Olympias]

Hum..well I can't say I am very surprised with some of the reactions

We are going for the 5 stones ring. Someone posted hers on a thread I created on show me the bling I think and my fiancé and I both loved it. I am very excited to start alternating between that 5 stones and the claddagh I already own.

We are going for a full eternity sapphire ring as a wedding band & we will keep the Cartier trinity ring as it seems to mesh really well with the 5 stones.

Thanks for the different input/reactions, my fiancé absolutely loved kb1gra take on this

Thank you again

 

[soxfan]

Hum..well I can't say I am very surprised with some of the reactions

We are going for the 5 stones ring. Someone posted hers on a thread I created on show me the bling I think and my fiancé and I both loved it. I am very excited to start alternating between that 5 stones and the claddagh I already own.

We are going for a full eternity sapphire ring as a wedding band & we will keep the Cartier trinity ring as it seems to mesh really well with the 5 stones.

Thanks for the different input/reactions, my fiancé absolutely loved kb1gra take on this

Thank you again

GOOD! I can't wait to see it! I love sapphire eternity rings as well! Are you thinking round or french cut? I recently saw french cuts at my jeweler's and they are so beautiful. it was a ring he ordered in, too. It was beautifully made and not that expensive!

 

[Olympias]

Thanks ^^ I am excited as well. He said I should have it in 2014 so fingers crossed it turns out okay !

We really liked round cut funll circle but we will see. I would like to try both cut first and the half circle as well before making up my mind. I still have some time anyway ^^

 

[princesss]

Thanks ^^ I am excited as well. He said I should have it in 2014 so fingers crossed it turns out okay !

We really liked round cut funll circle but we will see. I would like to try both cut first and the half circle as well before making up my mind. I still have some time anyway ^^

Just remember that eternities can't be sized, and if you guys are planning on kids your fingers might change sizes and you wouldn't be able to wear the ring you got married in. Just a thought! Full eternities are gorgeous, but they're a little risky until you know your fingers will probably stay the same size forever.

 

[Rhea]

I'm glad that you have worked it out and compromised to get a ring that you're as happy to wear as he is to give to you. I hope we get to see it soon!