New LIW Confused

[waitinlady]

Hi, heres a little info on my situation: bf and i are in late twenties, been togther 3yrs, lived together 2yrs and own our home together. i know he''s the one but i try not to bring up engagement in hopes that he will do it on his own. i have to admit i thought it would''ve happend by now. some recent events have left me confused and thinking about it more than ever. the first is that he took me on a hike before my bday, i thought it was going to happen then but it didnt. a couple weeks later he said he seriously thought about proposing for my bday but changed his mind after thinking about all the planning that goes into a wedding. a couple months later a group of our friends were talking about who would get engaged next, my bf named another couple who have only been togther a couple months. this made me upset and i think he could tell because later when we were alone he asked what was wrong. (see next post)

 

[waitinlady]

Sorry im posting via cell and it gives me a word limit. anyway, i told him i was upset he felt the other couple was ready to get engaged but he didnt seem so sure about us. he responded that we will get married and that its hard for guys because if they propose too early they may scare a girl and if they wait too long they can make her mad. he also said ''how do u know i dont have a ring already?'' that was where the converstion ended. i''m looking for some outside opinions. do i wait patiently? have i said enough, or do i need to open up the lines of communication more? what are your experiences with talking to your bf about marriage?

 

[neatfreak]

You need to open the lines of communication in a non-threatening way and talk to him about it. Ask him to set aside some time to talk about things and then TALK!

 

[waitinlady]

I also apologize if i sound a bit vauge but i dont have the internet at home and posting via cell is harder than i thought haha. i did say more during our conversations than what i posted. i said i knew for sure that he was the one i wanted to marry and that i hoped he felt the same way, thats when he mentioned the ring. i guess i''m just worried about coming accross the wrong way because we have a friend who brings the subject up to her bf al the time. my bf says hes glad i''m not like that. at the same time i want him to know how important this is to me. i know he wants it too but its hard not knowing when.

 

[KCCutie]

Hello! And Welcome to the board!

I think Neatfreak is right you do need to open the lines of communication and get the answers you need to feel secure but, I think if I were you, I give it a rest for a bit. Your wonderful bf sounds like mine and while I know he''s the one and I know someday we''ll get married I need a little more reassuance along the way. He''s been very understanding and when we talk about it we have great conversations but I try to keep those to a minimum so that he doesn''t feel pressured.

From what you have said I think your bf has an idea or maybe even a plan and now that you have talked about it he may feel even more confident in his plan and make a move on his own. Try to give him some time to process what you have already talked about and in a few weeks if you still need a little more reassurance bring it up again. That''s what I would do.

 

[neatfreak]

There''s a difference between constantly talking about the ring, getting engaged, "when we are married", "we''ll do this at OUR wedding", and having an adult conversation about expectations. The former is what a young immature girl does. The latter is what two mature adults do in a relationship.

 

[waitinlady]

Thanks for your responses can i just say i''m so glad i found this board! i''ve been lurking for a couple weeks and decided i had to join. i dont like to talk about this stuff with friends and family because they dont know what i''m going through (most are married or engaged) plus i dont want to bore them haha. you guys really do understand and are a great group of ladies! talked to my mom about it once and she said i shouldnt have moved in with him first if thats what i wanted. i get what she meant,men tend to feel no rush if u practically live like youre married. i dont regret it though, its been a great experience and its brought us closer. plus if we hadnt moved we''d still be in a LDR, instead we now know how great we get along together.

 

[waitinlady]

I know what you mean neatfreak. and we have had those types of conversations before, talking about our future, when we get married, have kids etc. its just been openended as to when we will start the process.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/21/2008 3:25:41 PM
Author: waitinlady
I know what you mean neatfreak. and we have had those types of conversations before, talking about our future, when we get married, have kids etc. its just been openended as to when we will start the process.

Then keep it up and have one where you talk about expectations for the next few years. Good job!

 

[jcarlylew82]

Date: 10/21/2008 4:32:08 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 10/21/2008 3:25:41 PM

Author: waitinlady

I know what you mean neatfreak. and we have had those types of conversations before, talking about our future, when we get married, have kids etc. its just been openended as to when we will start the process.

Then keep it up and have one where you talk about expectations for the next few years. Good job!

ditto 100% you will find once you layout your expectations (or idea, guildlines, what have you) you will be at ease. I''ll admit i was much in your situation until we looked at rings and now i think he put on on hold/layaway. that gave me piece of mind knowning that he is at least planning on asking, with money down

 

[ckrickett]

I can understand where you''re at and it''s very frustrating isn''t it? Guys are fickle beings and as much as they say we are complicated they can be moreso, but you gotta love them anyways!

I guess since I''m kinda going through the exact same thing (owning a home, been together for awhile blah blah blah) I get that you want it to happen, and you can''t understand why he doesn''t see it your way. Maybe he wants to wait for that perfect moment, maybe he wants to ask for your families blessing but hasn''t mustered up the courage or maybe he isn''t ready to take the big leap yet. It''s a big thing, a HUGE thing and since I think we girls fantasize about our big day since we were out of the womb practically, we are more emotionally ready to make the leap then they are. I''d say if it really bothers you talk about it, communication is key but don''t play it like a "why havent we got engaged, I''d see us married by now" Rather just ask where your futures together are going and take the convo from there.

 

[BabyBrown]

Hey girl,

I agree with Ccrickett, especially since she shares the same situation as you and since she doesn''t seem as bitter as one of the other respondents

As a new lady in waiting everything seems like a big deal... I know that I feel that way, especially since my guy is an introvert and so he doesn''t have a lot to say about anything let alone the whole ''ring thing''...

I think that the whole expectation conversation is necessary... that''s how I became a lady in waiting, I told him my expectations about living together and then he shared his with me...

And girl, you know yourself and you know your man, so don''t let anyone here (or in your family) tell you what you should say to the man you will spend the rest of your life with...

you know what he can take, and you know what may cause too much pressure! Just be you -- and I''m sure you''re a considerate and kind women! So bring up your expectations and be honest, you never know until you try...

 

[kittybean]

Date: 10/21/2008 7:15:26 PM
Author: BabyBrown

I agree with Ccrickett, especially since she shares the same situation as you and since she doesn''t seem as bitter as one of the other respondents

I think the OP has gotten some excellent, thoughtful advice, and I don''t think anyone is bitter.

 

[BabyBrown]

Hey KittyBean,

Well I do...lol. She has been a bit negative on other posts, and was very offensive to something I wrote earlier (which I requested to be removed).

I don''t want her or some of these other LIW''s (who may be a bit bitter) to gang up on any of the new LIW''s like me; just because they think they have the answer because they''ve been ''in the waiting room for a while'' so they quench the excitement of the new one''s... it''s not very nice...

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/21/2008 7:50:34 PM
Author: BabyBrown
Hey KittyBean,


Well I do...lol. She has been a bit negative on other posts, and was very offensive to something I wrote earlier (which I requested to be removed).


I don't want her or some of these other LIW's (who may be a bit bitter) to gang up on any of the new LIW's like me; just because they think they have the answer because they've been 'in the waiting room for a while' so they quench the excitement of the new one's... it's not very nice...

I assume you mean me because you didn't like what I said in your other thread (since that thread has been removed). I did not, and do not now, intend to be mean. And I am certainly not bitter. I really don't think that saying that it's "not about the ring" is offensive in the least...

But what I AM is honest, as many of us are here. So if you don't want honest opinions, then don't ask. Because you are going to get honesty...

 

[BabyBrown]

Listen, we are all here to get advice and opinions... it''s a forum

And it''s an excellent forum, however TACT is also very important... AND if you''re not tactful and supportive of the other Ladies In Waitings feelings, then maybe you shouldn''t speak on anything (or at least when I post, if you don''t mind

)

I was referring to your comment: There''s a difference between constantly talking about the ring, getting engaged, "when we are married", "we''ll do this at OUR wedding", and having an adult conversation about expectations. The former is what a young immature girl does. The latter is what two mature adults do in a relationship.

I understand your point on expectations, but you don''t have to condemn anyone by calling them immature if they talk about as you put: constantly talking about the ring, getting engaged, "when we are married", "we''ll do this at OUR wedding"... YES I know the importance of not overkilling by talking about the future constantly, but many of us (I''m sure you were in the beginning) very excited and it took a while before you were cool under the collar and not constantly chirping to your SO about the future.

But that''s where the forum comes into play, it helps us by offering a SAFE PLACE to chat about of feelings... So let''s watch what we all say to insure that it remains a safe place. OK?

Look I''m new here, and I''m trying to build bridges not burn any, but in reality if you want HONESTY, I''m telling you that you were a bit insensitive in my opinion, especially to me earlier. Just because, you''ve been in the ''waiting room'' longer than some of us doesn''t give you the right to speak down to anyone

Always try to be encouraging, the women here are sensitive about this topic [at least I am], and I''m shocked that a member that''s been here for so long is not more understanding.

I have no ill feelings towards you, and I wish you,

and all of the other the ladies the very best in the lives that we desire to build with the men that we love.

I look forward to moving forth amicably

 

[kittybean]

Date: 10/22/2008 1:18:08 AM
Author: BabyBrown
Just because, you've been in the 'waiting room' longer than some of us doesn't give you the right to speak down to anyone

.

Just to clarify, neatfreak is not "in the waiting room." She is married and expecting twins. (Neatfreak, I hope you don't mind me saying so.) Many of us who post here are no longer LIWs, but nevertheless wish to participate in the discussions and offer advice to other posters.

If you poke around on the other forums, you will find that advice is given in many forms--sometimes sugarcoated, sometimes not so much. As a poster, I have learned to take advice from others with a grain of salt, but I have also learned that some of the "harsher" critiques are also some of the most helpful and eye-opening, at least for me. Although there are often responses that sting a little, take my word for it that most mean no offense. This is the nicest, friendliest Internet forum I've ever encountered, and I truly appreciate what a valuable thing that is. I really hope that you can find it to be the same.

ETA: To the OP, I apologize for the threadjack!

 

[FrekeChild]

Wow BabyBrown, I think you're getting off on the wrong foot. I read your post earlier, and posted almost the same exact thing that neatfreak did, and didn't think that anything she said was out of line. If you think what she said is bitter and insensitive, then you'd better watch out for the posters who don't hold anything back--and there are a few of them--and be grateful they didn't respond to your thread. (By the way, the eye rolling smiley isn't exactly the way to make friends around here.) I'm sure you probably think I'm bitter as well because I responded in the same manner as neatfreak. Buuut...I'm not, and neither is the happily married, expecting mother of twins.

And if you want a tale of devastating miscommunication, go look up poor smooleys' post in the Proposal Ideas.

waitinlady I think you're doing a great job. You and I have quite a bit in common it seems. I also am having a hard time with not knowing when it's coming--especially because I know for a fact that he has the stone (2 of them actually--not diamonds) and HE knows when he's going to do it, and probably how, but I'm completely in the dark on the subject.

We've had a few talks. The most exciting one was when he gave me permission to start looking into stones, and trying to find one that I really loved, which is really hard by looking at digital pictures, lol. But I do bring it up from time to time (maybe once a month or so) and he's finally gotten to the point where he brings it up. In fact he was the one to suggest we get married in Vegas, and then talked about who we'd have on the guest list. But it's taken a lot of time. We first looked at rings in February of 2007. Yup, getting close to 2 years ago. That was his idea, and it was only about 9 months into the relationship. So I kind of took my cue from him, had a lot of progressive talks, and now I'm at the stage where it's just a waiting game and he's keeping secrets from me. The jerk.

The best way I've found out to have these talks is to approach it in a non emotional manner and sit down and talk about things rationally. Sometimes it helps to have these talks in public, like at dinner or something, so you can't get emotional. I like to ask "Where do you see yourself in 5...10...20 years?" and sometimes start out with other semi-silly questions that branch into more delicate topics, like finances, children, etc. But the "Where do you see yourself...?" question is awesome, because it brings a vague timeline to the table--and it opens up the conversation for more questions about the future.

I know it's a hard topic to broach, and I think that societal expectations have become so high for men to make these spectacular proposals and pick out the perfect rings that everyone has lost a lot of what marriage is supposed to be, a partnership. And sometimes I think that proposing becomes a very one sided thing, and in my opinion, I don't think it should be like that. Both partners need to lay their cards on the table. And if you're bold and brutally honest like me, you'll send him an email that says, "I plan on marrying you someday. Just wanted to let you know." But it's really hard to lay yourself on the line like that because of the risk of having your heart trampled on and getting rejected if the guy doesn't feel the same way.

The good news is, you guys already know you're on the same page and you've had discussions about it! So take a deep breath, and if you feel like you need to have a heart to heart, then sit him down and lay your cards on the table.

Welcome to the LIW!!! We are a very supportive bunch!!

 

[Hera]

I agree that you should opens some more lines of communication on this subject with your boyfriend and let him know it is definitely not too early for him to offer a proposal

 

[BabyBrown]

Lol, whatever...

I''m sure that I''m not the only one who is sensitive when it comes to this topic, and sensitivity is something that I will not be apologetic over...

Maybe it''s not some peoples style to ''sugar coat'' their advice, and instead they choose to be (in their opinion) ''brutally honest'' which is more along the lines of sounding bitter, rude and insensitve.

My mom always said ''if you don''t have anything nice to say, don''t say anything at all''. Similarly to what I wrote to your friend, if you see a thread that I write please bypass it or be tactful...and that is my hopes for every member, that we all would be considerate of each other during this sensitive and sometimes over emotional time...

We come here as a safe haven, not to be reprimanded, scolded, ''ganged up on'' or anything negative...

Please leave me alone, I don''t want to come on here anymore and read negative posts towards me. I feel like you are trying to gang up on me... so I will ask you to stop.

I guess, some members are just mean OR are not as excited or sensitive as others... I love this forum but I guess I shouldn''t have let me guard down... this other girl got scolded the other day and acussed of looking through her SO''s belongings, that was rude for the other members to do to her...and she also defended herself (good for her)

So in the future, I will ignore members who are rude (in my opinion), they are not worth it... and with this post, I end this petty interaction, since I am tired of casting my pearls before swine...

To all of the sweet ladies who are here to be supportive in a POSITIVE way, I wish you and your loved ones a happy life! I look forward to seeing you around the site...

BACK TO BUSINESS

P.S. The SO and I cleared up our ''ring miscommunication'', established a clear timeline of when things will happen, and I am so excited!!!

 

[sammyj]

waitinlady, I''m so sorry to threadjack your post (I''ll get to it later) but I finally felt the urge to jump in here and express my opinion on this ''interaction'' we have going on here:

BabyBrown, up until now, I was kinda on your side. I felt like you were getting ganged up on (just a smidge), not so much for what you said but because your comments were directed towards a PSer who is pretty much a veteran and very well known throughout the forum (just check out her Ideal Rock status!). I don''t remember the comments made in the thread that you had removed, but I respected the fact that you were hurt and offended and that you were able to stand up for yourself. With that said, a person who "doesn''t have anything nice to say" should have left all of her negative feelings when that thread was removed.

I do agree with you that this is a forum where we should all feel comfortable and safe enough to share stories, seek advice, express concerns and flash our bling. I also agree with you that advice should be given with tact. I do NOT agree with you however, when you say that brutal honesty equates bitterness. Sure, depending on the poster''s tact, it can come across rude and insensitive, but calling a person bitter attacks their actual character, not just the words they type.

Your most recent post is also full of contradictions between what you preach and how you present yourself:

My mom always said ''if you don''t have anything nice to say, don''t say anything at all''.
I guess, some members are just mean OR are not as excited or sensitive as others...
...and with this post, I end this petty interaction, since I am tired of casting my pearls before swine...

I know you feel you need to defend your honour and to make sure your voice is heard, but you are responding to PSers in the same manner in which you are feeling attacked. You seem like a fun person who has a lot of great things to say, but maybe you should heed your on advice? As someone who is also fairly new to PS and still navigating the site like a madwoman, I am just looking out for another newbie. I do feel a bit of a high school clique atmosphere here as many PSers have been around for years...so like you said earlier, don''t burn your bridges, build new ones.

Ok, now to waitinlady, my advice, like everyone else''s, is to open the lines of communication. In your situation, I would just express my concerns and tell him that although he wants to keep things a surprise and you don''t want to nag, but you just need a vague timeline (months? years?) for a little extra security and comfort. ...something along those lines??

 

[BabyBrown]

thanks sammyj

... I understand your points... I''m a fighter, and maybe fighting fire with fire wasn''t the best thng, but I will always stand up for myself... I''m ready for this to blow over..., it''s getting ''a little outrageous now''

... I''m only replying to your comments because I think that you made respectful comments...I didn''t think I''d be so popular, so soon (just kidding

)... well i do delcare....LOL

Can we please drop this already>>> LOL>>>Peace Out

 

[DearBuddha]

Date: 10/22/2008 11:16:15 AM
Author: BabyBrown
Lol, whatever...

....Similarly to what I wrote to your friend, if you see a thread that I write please bypass it or be tactful...

Ok-that kind of response is exactly the wrong way to get people on your side or sympathetic to your cause.

BabyBrown, You shouldn''t ever be flippant to people who are being honest to you, especially when you set yourself up for others'' input. If you ask a question, it''s not our fault if you don''t like the answer, whether it''s the tone or the delivery. If you''re afraid of being hurt or offended, DON''T POST. Simple as that.

No one here is out to hurt you or anyone else. We all offer positive and CONSTRUCTIVE advice, but if you want to be shattered just because someone says something you disagree with, I''m sorry. We all hear things that we misinterpret-I have-but it doesn''t mean I think the poster is trying to hurt my feelings. I''m a big girl-I can handle what I read, and I don''t ever reply by calling the person bitter and insensitive. If they weren''t concerned for your situation in some way, they wouldn''t bother to respond. So don''t bite their heads off for trying to help you out-it won''t do you any favors here.

 

[CellarDoor]

Hi. I''m engaged, but I have to tell you that the waiting process was miserable for me. We had been together for two years and living together for one year when I started bringing up marriage. He said that yes, he wanted to marry me, and he assured me that we would be engaged soon. I waited... and waited.... and waited some more. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries came and went with no engagement and were always followed by a screaming match and a lot of tears on my part and him saying that he was looking at rings and that he wanted it to be a surprise and that it was coming. Every single time a friend or coworker got engaged, I felt like I was stabbed in the heart and every wedding invitation brought with it arguments, tears and stony silence. I know that he hated getting the news of other people''s engagements too because it would be a reminder to him that he wasn''t ready and that he needed to get a ring. When his college roommate got engaged, he didn''t even tell me about it because he knew that I would be furious (we had been together when his college roommate had another girlfriend, they had broken up and he had met this new girl and was engaged to her and we still weren''t engaged), so I found out when another friend brought it up at a bar. I was so mad that I didn''t speak to him for two days.

Yeah, I should have been mature and brought it up in a reasonable manner, but I had been doing that. We had tons of discussions, I had shown him rings that I liked, I was rational at times, but this engagement anxiety was stewing and bubbling under the surface at all times and it was always brought to a boil when I heard about other people''s engagements. About ten months after I started bringing it up, I was fed up and after questioning him he finally admitted that he hadn''t really been looking at rings, that he was just telling me that to buy more time. I then told him that if he didn''t do it by our next anniversary that I was done. Our next anniversary was two months away. Well he didn''t do it, so I dumped him, I moved back in with my parents, and I would not speak to him and I started dating other people. He proposed a month later and we are getting married on New Years Eve. I truly do not believe that he would have ever proposed if I hadn''t broken up with him. We would probably still be fighting about it if I would have stayed with him. Some guys propose on their own, but some guys need you to light a fire under their @$$. It sounds like your boyfriend is one of the latter. You''re already with him and living with him, and he likes that. Marriage is scary for a lot of guys, and he is already getting all the benefits of marriage without having to make the commitment. You''re already sharing a home, expenses and a bed, marriage won''t be much different. My advice to others, and the way that I would do it if I had to do it all over again would be to never live with a guy before marriage or at least an engagement.

Talk to your boyfriend and let him know the way that you feel. Make him give you a timeline, and be prepared to walk away if he doesn''t follow through with it. It is a lot harder than it sounds, but I really think that in some situations it is the only way.