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Netnanny 911!

Imdanny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2008
Messages
6,186
I have a friend, let's call him, um, Danny. No, he's not a child. But he suffers from depression, usually very mild and controlled by medications.

The medication is fine (a PITA to get, but he gets the job done). However, he does have side effect, not bad, just inevitable.

He's very young at heart. If you met him, and thought about it for a while, you'd probably think of him as very kind, well meaning 17 year old.

He doesn't have great social skills (although he can be very social and charming on occasion). He's not really capable of taking care of himself, by himself, but we all live in a society, is it not true.

So, netnannies, this is the thing:

His partner, his mother, his grandfather, and his aunt (the latter two are ailing and can't, through no fault of their own, give him advise, but probably would feel like his partner and his mother, if they weren't ailing, and could be asked their opinion, which again, they can't) think:

1 .Danny isn't doing his part.
2. Danny isn't doing things he could be doing.
3. Danny is doing some things that are wrong (i.e. he tried to quit smoking, but he fell off the wagon).
4. Danny is relying on his partner and mother to do things he should be doing himself.
5. Danny feels a little overwhelmed and his partner and his mother are angry.
6. Danny feel lonely because he feels his partner and his mother's anger, and he can't talk to his grandfather and his aunt, and these are the four people he is closest to).

Basically, Danny is having trouble meeting deadlines, and this is making him feel even more overwhelmed. Danny is having trouble getting tasks completed. Danny is having trouble with 1., 2., and 3., so basically everyone, including Danny feels frustrated.

Danny is not a "bad" person. He would never even hurt a bug (no, it's true). Danny is a good person, but being a good person isn't enough. Danny feels limited by his condition, but his partner and his mother say he can't blame everything on it. So again, Danny feels a little overwhelmed, frustrated, and sad.

Danny wants to do his part, but on a day to day basis, it seems he doesn't get enough done, is having trouble meeting the expectations of those closest to him, and can't seem to stop relying on counterproductive behavior like 3. He tries to do something about it, but after doing this, by the next day, everything seems worse to him. It's kind of a viscous cycle.

There are a lot of kind people on PS, most of PS is women, some of PS members are mothers. Maybe you can give my friend Danny some advice about how to do better? He could use some good advice.
 

Jennifer W

Brilliant_Rock
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Oh Danny. Hugs. You poor love, what a difficult cycle to be in. I think many of us have experienced that horrible drowning feeling of being overwhelmed by the things we have to do and deal with day to day and it can easily slip out of our grasp if we don't have some help. Families, friends and partners can offer support and love, but they have their own needs, expectations and beliefs about illness too, which might not help you entirely right now. They do love you, though.

I can't offer sage advice, other than to suggest you make an appointment to get appropriate help. Today. Also, there are some helpful online supports, and although you're overseas and this one is based in Scotland, it's a good starting point.

http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/

Folks here can offer love, understanding and support, but we can't offer clinical or counselling type help - please look for a professional who can do that for you, to help you find your way out of this cycle.

Edited to add another hug. {{{}}}}
 

iLander

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May 23, 2010
Messages
6,731
Well, sorry you're feeling bad, Danny, it sucks when it feels like everyone is ganging up on you. When people put pressure on you to accomplish things, it creates anxiety.

I'm really bad with people telling me what to do, I have all kinds of issues that way. Most people do, it's perfectly normal to resent being given orders when you're grown up. Maybe if I tell you how I deal with it? I'm not really sure I understand what your specific problem is, but I'll try and help.

When DH tells me what to do, I have to take the time to think that it's not something I'm doing for him, it's just something that needs to be done. Maybe it's not fair that I think he should do all the "needs to be done" things and maybe I should share. (That's my thought process, don't know if it applies to you at all, just trying to help.)

Next, I break down the job into manageable pieces with time markers, just like summer reading in school. Divide the task into little pieces, then do each little piece. Keeps it from being overwhelming. For summer reading it was like "300 pages, 5 days, I'll do 60 pages a day", you know, like that.

Then this is the hardest part; enjoying the task. You have to find some fun part or make it fun with some innovation on your part. For summer reading, I'd include a fresh lemonade while reading each day. Or I'd enjoy talking to friends about the book. Or something. You have to be creative for most tasks, but making it enjoyable is the key, otherwise you'll just do a poor job. And everybody will be mad again. :blackeye:

Also, talk to you doc about the meds draining you of energy. :snore: See if he can give you something for that (probably a B-12 supplement). Also, watch your blood sugar, if that's low, it can make you tired. A fresh orange can do a LOT for that.

Not sure if any of that applies, just trying to help.

Hugs!!
 

yennyfire

Ideal_Rock
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Sending tons of hugs your way Danny. I'm sorry that you're feeling so lousy. ;( I can only imagine that feeling this way and feeling that those closest to you aren't getting it makes things feel even more suffocating. To tag onto what iLander said, set small goals that you can accomplish. If that means hourly goals, fine. Once you can do that and feel good about it, make daily goals and so on. Try to find things you love about yourself and remind yourself of them (I know it sounds goofy, but when I'm feeling down, it does seem to help me). I also agree with talking to your dr. and seeing if s/he can do something to help with your energy level.

I hope that you start feeling like you're in a better place soon and that your partner, mother, grandfather and aunt begin to understand where your coming from and that you're doing the best you can. Many hugs....
 

centralsquare

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Jan 18, 2009
Messages
2,216
Oh, Danny, so sorry you are feeling this way! All I can say is that we all have times when we feel we just aren't cutting it, we have someone on our backs, and we can't seem to find our way. You'll find your path and be a better person for it. There were a lot of suggestions about how to do that already that I think are very good. Definitely talk to your dr to ensure that what your experiencing isn't a side effect of your medication, or can't be addressed by adjusting it. Keep us posted!
 

Circe

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I am wondering ... were deadlines a problem before the medication, or for the first few months, years, decades, whatever on the medication? Because I see three possibilities here.

1) The completely necessary medication is causing an unavoidable side effect, and we should be discussing coping strategies and CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy).

2) The completely necessary medication is perhaps masking another condition which requires a completely different medication: if you suffer depression and ADD, say, the more serious depression could have masked the ADD symptoms (nobody says you're shirking if you're crying hysterically, but once you're "okay" and stuff still isn't getting done, it's important to ask why).

3) The completely necessary medication might need to be adjusted: my best friend takes antidepressants, and every 6 months or so, they need to rejigger her meds a little, because she has an incredibly fast metabolism, and her body adapts.

And that's just on the physical side of things. I'd say that CBT could be tremendously helpful, no matter what, because it helps to instill coping mechanisms that reduce anxiety and suggest solutions; I'd also say that maybe couples counseling might be useful. (My own relationship with my parents is sufficiently complicated that I got nothin' for you, I'm afraid to say: only technique that has ever worked for me is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I mean, the other day I mentioned I was at a party, and my dad asked if I'd been drinking. I. Am. Six. Months. Pregnant. How little faith does he have in me? That little. UGH.) I think starting this thread, and getting advice, is an excellent first step: talking to your doc would be a great second one.

P.S. - Quitting smoking is hard. I seriously feel like I'm proselytizing, because I recommend this every time somebody mentions cigarettes these days, but, seriously, electronic cigarette. Best one currently on the market is Green Smoke.
 

vsc

Shiny_Rock
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Dec 7, 2010
Messages
104
Hi Danny,
So sorry you feel this way.
Don't beat yourself up over having a relapse with smoking. Quitting is a very difficult thing to do - the odds of people managing to stop smoking on their own are quite low, and it often takes many tries before succeeding. Cigarettes are very addictive on a biological level, especially if you've been smoking since you were a teenager. Have you gotten professional help with it? I believe they have prescription drugs that will cause you not to crave cigarettes anymore, which might help. If you haven't seen a Dr. about it, you should - at the very least, it would show your family that you are being proactive and you really want to quit!

On the getting things done aspect... I'm sorry that your loved ones are being harsh with you, I'm sure it's because they love you and they want to help you... maybe they don't really know how to motivate you without nagging. Don't feel bad!

One thing that helps me get things done is to make a list of what it is I actually have to do. When I do that, then it doesn't feel as overwhelming, because it feels finite. For some reason if I just keep track in my head then it seems like too much.
Then look at the list, pick one thing, and do it. Sometimes it helps to start with something easy. Cross it off the list. I like how that feels :) It also helps to get a day planner and write in future tasks, so you can get them off your mind for now, but still not forget when they are due - like paying bills or booking a vacation or taking the trash to the curb (don't laugh: I have calendar alerts telling me when to take the trash to the curb, otherwise I would just forget!).

What are those "things" that you delegate to others? Is there something in particular? I could see them being frustrated if it's something small, rather than if it's a big "thing" - for example, I would get frustrated having to go to the bank for someone (easy) but not if they asked for help picking a car (big deal). Can you pick one or two of the recurring items or items they've been mentioning most and focus on them?... they will notice! And you'll feel better!

I hope this helps, hugs and good luck!
 

TooPatient

Super_Ideal_Rock
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10,295
Danny,

I know how you're feeling. Medications can have some pretty awful side effects.... I've got several years that are just a jumbled blur of mostly missing memories.

Trying to quit smoking is really hard. There is NO shame in taking several tries before you are successful or even needing additional help. It is addictive.

The feeling of being swamped and unable to get stuff done while those around you are blaming you is the worst. I know you can't see it right now, but I'm quite certain those you love are actually proud of you. You are dealing with difficult things and rather than giving up you just keep trying.

One thing that REALLY helped me was lists. I made a list every morning of the things I needed to get done that day. I'd have one at home for the stuff to do around the house and one at work for the stuff to do there. The lists have to be specific though (like instead of "laundry" I had "wash bath towls, wash dark clothes, put away bath towls, put away dark clothes") or each task seems huge and you might spend half the day doing something before you can even cross off one item.
I tried to keep my lists managable (like doing ALL of the laundry, ALL of the dishes, washing ALL of the windows, mopping ALL of the floors, cutting the grass, changing the car oil, cleaning the oven, scrubbing ALL of the bathrooms in a single day was just too much) so that I could actually finish all (or at least most) of my list for the day. If there was too much to put on one day's list, I'd make a list for the next day.
After finishing my lists for the day, I tried to reward myself with something nice so I could relax and enjoy that I had done everything for the day.

I'm doing a lot better now and am able to skip writing a list most days. (I have a mental list that sort of guides my day). Sometimes I still get overwhelmed. When I find myself getting anxious, I grab my sticky note pad and make my list.
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
33,372
There are just soooo many complex interwoven levels to your post I hesitate to even dive in.
I could say you need to set boundaries with these people, but you talk about being lonely and needing their closeness . . .
You sound like you are tied into many interconnecting knots.

I spent a few years in psychoanalysis and it was the greatest gift I ever gave myself.
IMHO good therapy addresses causes, not symptoms.
I see psychoanalysis as addressing the mechanisms that generate the causes that generate the symptoms.
It is hard work, but it's not just a band aid.
I now think of it as getting an immune system that is not for the body but for the mind.

If you can find and afford a good therapist/analyst with whom you click it can make an enormous difference.
 

iLander

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Messages
6,731
So I thought about this some more and I've decided to take another approach; F them! Tell them to get over themselves, you'll quit smoking when you darn well feel like it, not a second before! Who are these people to tell you what to do?!!

There.

That felt good, right?

Remember, depression is sometimes anger turned inward . . .
 

lyra

Ideal_Rock
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Jul 13, 2007
Messages
5,252
My advice would be to try pretty much anything (therapy, meds, meditation, throwing eggs at trees when you're angry) while you're on this journey. It is a journey, and it may last a lifetime, but there is always hope. You might ask those naysayers if they would blame the victim if the disease was arthritis, diabetes or cancer. Depression is a physical as well as psychological illness. You are the only one who can make a difference in your life. This means fighting when you are at rock bottom, when you feel like giving up, because no one else will ever be as good an advocate for your care as you can be. You might have to argue with doctors for better treatment options, when you least feel like it. Keep trying things, and keep fighting. I have lots of hope for you. I've been there and come out the other side. Make a plan and stick to it. It may be small things, then larger things. Some days my list was as productive as "get one load of laundry done". I wrote it out. Take care and good luck Danny! :wavey:
 

JillyC

Shiny_Rock
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Oct 11, 2010
Messages
111
Circe|1312897436|2987134 said:
I am wondering ... were deadlines a problem before the medication, or for the first few months, years, decades, whatever on the medication? Because I see three possibilities here.

1) The completely necessary medication is causing an unavoidable side effect, and we should be discussing coping strategies and CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy).

2) The completely necessary medication is perhaps masking another condition which requires a completely different medication: if you suffer depression and ADD, say, the more serious depression could have masked the ADD symptoms (nobody says you're shirking if you're crying hysterically, but once you're "okay" and stuff still isn't getting done, it's important to ask why).

3) The completely necessary medication might need to be adjusted: my best friend takes antidepressants, and every 6 months or so, they need to rejigger her meds a little, because she has an incredibly fast metabolism, and her body adapts.

And that's just on the physical side of things. I'd say that CBT could be tremendously helpful, no matter what, because it helps to instill coping mechanisms that reduce anxiety and suggest solutions; I'd also say that maybe couples counseling might be useful. (My own relationship with my parents is sufficiently complicated that I got nothin' for you, I'm afraid to say: only technique that has ever worked for me is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I mean, the other day I mentioned I was at a party, and my dad asked if I'd been drinking. I. Am. Six. Months. Pregnant. How little faith does he have in me? That little. UGH.) I think starting this thread, and getting advice, is an excellent first step: talking to your doc would be a great second one.

This is what I immediately thought as well, especially since we've just spent the past year dealing with the same types of issues with our 17(!!) year old daughter. Everyone was frustrated, none more so than her. She has been doing cognitive therapy program, which has been very helpful for her, went through therapy and finally to a psychiartrist who diagnosed ADD. She's just started meds for the ADD and things are looking hopeful since she's now feeling so much better and in control. I second going back to the doctor. You may need a change of meds or different ones altogether.

Good luck!!
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Danny:

This is one of those time when I would like to post anonymously. But it's too much trouble to do so, and I know how much that bugs you :wink2: , so I'll just plunge right in.

Been there, done that.

Still there, still doing that.

My main coping strategy, which I DO NOT recommend, is to distance myself from the people who might apply the kinds of pressure you're facing. But I've employed and I'm still employing and developing other strategies to help me get out of the barrier mode.

First - you've said your medication is working, but it might be worthwhile to discuss your current symptoms with your doctor. There's a lot of guesswork involved with these drugs and the dossages used, and I've found that doctors tend to play it safe and start with the drugs and dossages they're most familiar with. Ask whether there's another drug that might have less side effects, or whether tweaking the dosage might help.

Second, check out ADD/ADHD on-line, and see whether there's any possibility that applies to you. If it is, get a competant evaluation. That might require you go outside of your medical provider and pay out of pocket, but... it will be worth it. If ADD is a part of what you're dealing with, a correct diagnosis will do two things - it will help you understand that what you're dealing with is not a question of failures on your part, and it will help point you to better coping strategies.

Third, consider ways to expand your support network. I fell into Al-Anon because I kept choosing boyfriends with addiction issues. It probably saved my life, not because of the boyfriend stuff, but because it was intrumental in breaking through my shame and self-worth issues. There's a less known 12-step group called emotions anonymous that a good friend of mine swears by, and a whole host of dependency spin-offs using the original AA concept. There are also ADD oriented groups (CHADD), but in my area those are focused on diseminating information rather than emotional support.

And lastly, one approach for pripritizing your chores. I've had those weekends when it was all I could do to finish the dishes - and I know the frustration and despair (and in my case, self-loathing) that goes with that. One tool I use now is to evaluate the list of things to be done in terms of the emotional lift it would do me to complete them - or more accurately, the emotional damage it would do me to leave it undone. Case in point ... 2 weekends ago I cleaned off my back patio, got the patio furniture out of the garage, and made that space useful for the remainder of the summer. So what if summer is more than half over? Most days I get into the house via the back yard, so taking care of that chore means that I'm no longer faced with that particular daily reminder of "shortcomings".


Huggs to you!
 

lyra

Ideal_Rock
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Jul 13, 2007
Messages
5,252
VRBeauty, your post was quite inspirational to me, thank you for posting about your personal story. I like the way you have a check and balance system. I will try to think that way in the future, as I can totally understand all the implications and the positive side to that.
 

HopeDream

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 14, 2009
Messages
2,146
Hugs! Sounds like you have a lot on your plate! One thing at a time my friend.

Done is better than perfect. - If you have to half-ass things for a bit to start getting going again, then do so.

I'm not sure exactly what you have to get done, but I find that for things I don't like to do (flossing, dishes, sorting laundry) If I listen to an audio book while I'm doing them it makes it more bearable. I wonder if you could combine things you like to do with things you don't like to do? (I also like to listen to Jazz while analyzing excel spreadsheets because it helps me stay focused)

You'll get throught this!

Be gentle with yourself and make sure to eat enought good food, drink enough water and get enough rest.

( :arrow: Be careful PS and the rest of the internet eat time like crazy! If you realy have to get things done, consider unplugging for a few days :!: )

For some reason your predicament reminds me of this poem:

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver
 

LGK

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 27, 2007
Messages
2,975
What fun it sounds like to have the peanut gallery all riled up :rolleyes:

I'm a big procrastinator (it's a wonderful talent, eh?) and it drives my much more organized husband batty sometimes. He's a big advocate of lists- I would love to use them but I lose them, or don't look at them which defeats the purpose. I've found, actually, that my iPhone helps me more than anything else has ever, because of the push notifications i can send myself to remind me to, oh, tab the car or what have you- you know, the things that you have to do to be an adult but which I nevertheless suck at. Can you set your phone to remind you to do things, if that's part of the problem?

Oh and I know I mentioned it before, but I would totally recommend you trying an e-cig. I quit soooo easily with mine I'm still all excited about it- the Joye 510 is a cheap n easy kit to try if you wanna dip a toe in. It might help with #3 a bit anyway- I was still smoking cloves after DH had quit earlier this summer and we'd had some HYOOOOGE fights about it. I had tried cold turkey any number of times and went right back to smoking when I got stressed enough- but even with way too many people I love dying this year I've kept up with the e-cig and not smoked cloves at all since the very first day I got mine.

Anyway. Good luck and huge hugs, I totally get it. I'm hardly the model of organized adult behaviour myself :bigsmile:

ETA: The Greensmoke e-cig kit Circe recommends is actually a very good kit but vastly, vastly, vastly overpriced- it's a KRD808-1, which can be found as a starter kit elsewhere for around $40ish... the 510 kits are cheaper (I paid $20ish for mine) but the batteries don't last as long... but the parts can be swapped to bigger batteries easily and are a more universal connection thread.
 

centralsquare

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Messages
2,216
HopeDream|1312947767|2987698 said:
:arrow: Be careful PS and the rest of the internet eat time like crazy! If you realy have to get things done, consider unplugging for a few days :!: )

This should be a disclaimer at the bottom of this website!!!
 

Imdanny

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Jan 21, 2008
Messages
6,186
Thank you, each and everyone of you, for your concern, your thoughtfulness, your kindness, and your advice.

I've read each of your posts very carefully, and please be assured that I am thinking about everything that has been said.

My partner's mother is coming to visit in about two weeks. I haven't seen her in ten years. We have a great relationship, but being in the same studio apartment for ten days... wow. And, of course, the apartment has to be clean, the car has to be clean, the paperwork has to be organized, we (especially I) have to come across as being organized and calm (I'm feeling anything but as you can tell).

This is on top of moving recently (for the second time), having to come up with a down payment equal to rent, and rent, on the same day, having the brakes go bad on the car (started as pads, didn't get fixed in time, ended up going up to and including the master cylinder, and costing $1,200, or thereabouts), all the while, a part of our income was cut by 1/3, for four months, unexpectedly, this problem has since been fixed, but it added up.

I stepped on a belt prong and punctured my foot, and haven't been able to walk on my left foot for three days. I just have been so stressed and getting so little done, not getting along with SO and even my mother (bummer). I haven't been organized, I haven't had energy, and yes, I've felt a little demoralized.

Today I locked myself out of the car, which I have never done. I had left the lights on. Luckily, my insurance covers this, so I waited for the tow place to come break into the car and jump start the battery, as I watched the headlights die. It was just dumb. If I hadn't had insurance, my car would probably still be sitting there.

SO and I had a nice, calm talk tonight. I've decided that I'm going to spend a certain number of hours each day, time myself, and keep a record of how long I work, and notes about what I've accomplished, what I need to do, and yes, I'm going to write lists. At this point, this is the only way I can think of to actually get organized and get anything done. I'm well past being able to discipline myself without using this technique. I feel like I have 1,001 things to do. I literally can't keep them all in my mind at the same time.

And so, I probably won't be around much, but just for awhile, until I can get things on track. Thank you again, everyone! Huge hugs!!
 

centralsquare

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 18, 2009
Messages
2,216
Sounds like a stressful time! Don't be too hard on yourself. Things fall through the cracks during crazy times and it doesn't help to criticize yourself. I think taking time each day and monitoring closely what you do is a good idea, but try not to stress too much about it!
 

Porridge

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Messages
3,267
Imdanny|1312972310|2987821 said:
the apartment has to be clean, the car has to be clean, the paperwork has to be organized, we (especially I) have to come across as being organized and calm (I'm feeling anything but as you can tell).

I haven't been organized, I haven't had energy, and yes, I've felt a little demoralized.

Today I locked myself out of the car, which I have never done. I had left the lights on. Luckily, my insurance covers this, so I waited for the tow place to come break into the car and jump start the battery, as I watched the headlights die. It was just dumb. If I hadn't had insurance, my car would probably still be sitting there.

I'm well past being able to discipline myself without using this technique. I feel like I have 1,001 things to do. I literally can't keep them all in my mind at the same time.
I'm just quoting these things because they seem to be some of the things that are upsetting you and I wanted you to be perfectly clear on this: EVERYBODY does these things and feels this way, at least some of the time. Houseguests cause panic in everyone. 10 days is a really long time, it's totally normal to be anxious! Do what I do - throw everything into a cupboard and deal with it later ;))

I, and almost everyone I know except for a few who are either lying or are freaks, also have periods of feeling disorganised and low on energy. During this time, being hard on myself does NOT help. Being good to myself does. So, I go get a manicure, eat something lovely etc, and pow, I'm back in action.

Last night my uncle had to drive across Ireland in my granny's car because he locked his keys in his rental car, and the rental agency was on the other side of the country. Oooooops. I don't know anyone who hasn't locked their keys into their car. I did it last year in a different county and had to stay overnight to wait until someone could bring me my spare keys! No biggie. Happens.

Discipline, HA! For me, if it's not written down, it does not happen. End of story. You're totally doing the right thing, it's all about coming up with techniques. I can't live without a calendar and a to-do list. To each their own.

This isn't meant to be a self deprecating whine, I just want you to know that EVERYONE feels the way you're feeling at times, and DO NOT BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF because it is counterproductive. I bet your SO is feeling anxious about his mum's visit and is currently highly strung, so just indulge him for a while and don't take it personally.
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
11,220
WHen you start tackling that list, consider using the 15-minute approach: set a tier, work on task 1 for 15 minutes. When the timer goes off, move on to another task for 15 minutes. Then on to another, then take a break and start over. It helps keep me from getting lost in the weeds/details/perfectionism, and helps me stick to the task at hand rather than following a thread to another task, IYKWIM.
 

lliang_chi

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Joined
Mar 13, 2008
Messages
3,740
Danny,
In a lot of ways you sound like my brother. My brother was diagnosed with ADHD late in life, probably in his early 20s. He's very intelligent but can never finish anything. He also suffered from depression, still not 100% sure if he's out of it yet.

I am to him much like your partner and mother are to you. The support group. My brother has my mom, my sister and I (from a distance), and my aunts all around him. He's VERY SLOWLY learned to pick himself up, but is still very much needs help. And to be honest I'm not the perfect individual either, but and I also need a lot of help and reminders. But that's what smart phones and Google Calendar is for. :))

I would just like to commend you. It sounds like you're determined to make changes. It's hard and having communication with your partner is very helpful. I would LOVE to hear my brother say to me, "I'm going to try to change" and outline his plan of action, much like you did with your partner. That's AWESOME and encouraging. I would also suggest, it'd help for you to tell your partner and mother that you're trying very hard to change, but you're only human and might make mistakes, and to please be patient. Honestly sometimes it's different to hear it out loud.

It really sounds like you have a plan. I hope you're successful. You have a lot on your plate, but honestly start with one task that you feel you can accomplish, i.e. "Clear up my desk." THen pick the next thing, then the next.

Lots of hugs to you Danny.
 

Jennifer W

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
1,958
Hey Danny! :wavey:

I hope things are just a little bit brighter today and that the things you're going to try will help quickly.

About the car - I did that once, too. I managed to lock it at a service station, with the keys inside. At risk of sounding like something out of the 'one uppers' thread, at the same time I also put petrol in the tank (it is a diesel car). So, it could have been worse, right? Hugs, hugs, hugs.
 

House Cat

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
4,602
When it rains, it pours danny. Please be gentle with yourself. It seems that when we are hardest on ourselves, that is the time when we get the least accomplished.


Internal messages...core beliefs...they can be very strong. They can literally freeze us. So, well meaning people can give us advice and in our heart of hearts, we might want to take that advice with all of our might, but there is a disconnect. We just don't know how. Find a way to work on the core belief and it will fall into place.
 

Cehrabehra

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Messages
11,071
Are you ADHD? You sound like me, chronic mostly mild but not always depression and chronic severe scatterbrain. Getting my dx helped my dh understand. I'm not sure I'm less scatterbrained, but I'm less depressed and he's less angry. It gives much more room for me to try and fail and just laugh instead of getting my self esteem to caught up in it.

Sound familiar or am I off?
 

cnspotts

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 11, 2003
Messages
524
Breathe.

Slow down, Breathe, think things through. Remember that You are only responsible for you, and what you can control.

Let other's own their issues & their expectations. They can deal with themselves and their reactions.

Now take one thing at a time, start small, attack the task and complete it. Congratulate yourself, then move on to the next task. So what if something does not get done today, or even tomorrow ~ honestly does it really matter? What are the consequenses Really? Late fees? Jail? I doubt it. Attempt it, move on no matter the outcome, go back again if needed when fresh. Let go of the pressure, relax your mind.

Make lists, order of importance or ease of completion. Cross each task off and move on. Your list can be anything (laundry, quit smoking, pay bills, eat right, sleep, skate)

I am a big believer in moving on. And music that relaxes (I happen to like progressive trance, especially while I skate)

You can do it!!!
 

sphenequeen

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 16, 2009
Messages
640
Hi Danny,

For me, when things get overwhelming all at once, I often times find myself freezing up and doing nothing - In the past, it seemed that I was taking on everything in my mind at once and because even the smallest things seemed daunting, I would become paralyzed. What has worked for me is to make small, manageable goals that chip away from the larger goal at hand. For example, you said you have to get your place cleaned; instead of thinking about how you are going to clean the whole house, think about tackling the bathroom first and work room to room. Or, if you have a deadline to meet, try not to stress about your entire "project," rather focus on one aspect of it that you can handle at that time. And don't forget to be kind to yourself along the way - none of us are superman/superwoman and I think we can be far too hard on ourselves over the small stuff.

If you feel like these issues you are having are not really "little" things, just be honest with yourself about how you think you should move forward and take one step at a time.

Feel better soon!
 
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