Needing some support

[Treasure43]

As many of you are probably aware from my past posts, I have a very difficult mothr (to say the least). She''s been diagnosed as bipolar and borderline yet refuses to seek therapy or take the medication prescribed. My father passed away many years ago and my mother married a wonderful man who has been like a father to me. Yet, some of you may remember that my mother threatened to commit suicide if I had my stepfather walk me down the aisle. She wanted a blood relation (like an uncle) to do it. I held firm on this an explained that I am closest to my stepfather and he is who is walking me down the aisle.

Recently, my parents have decided to seperate. This has happened a few times before but I''m pretty sure this is the final time. My stepfather has expressed that he is fine with whatever I decide in regards to him walking me down the aisle. Apparently my mother has made a few comments to him about wanting someone else to walk me to down the aisle. So basically, I know I will be facing a battle with my mother for the next few months until I get married. However, I am adament that my stepfather will walk me down the aisle because that is MY choice and it''s MY wedding. However, I''m dealing with the fact that there is a very good chance that my mother will make a scene at the wedding. Sadly, this is an actual possibility and I have to figure out what my plan will be if this happens. She may even refuse to come to the wedding. I would hope that she would be able to look past herself and deal with this for one day but I know my mother and the chances of her doing that are slim. I refuse to cave into her demands because I know I would always look back on my wedding day and regret doing so. I guess I just wanted to vent/get some support and any ideas on how to deal with her if she makes a scene at the wedding.

 

[MagsyMay]

Treasure, I recall your prior posts about this, and although I have nothing to offer as far as tips for dealing with this, I just wanted to say you are one strong woman and I think you are handling things with such grace!! HUGS!!

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I''m so sorry, sweetie! That''s a really tough decision to make. It''s easy to say "Do what YOU want" but it seems that it comes with a price. Dealing with psychiatric disorders is not only difficult, but heart breaking. Many times, those with psychiatric illness don''t know that they''re sick and refuse to be treated. It sounds like this is happening with your mother. Also, those with personality disorder tend to be VERY manipulative (probably why she threatened suicide- it was her way of manipulating the situation). I had a rotation at a psychiatric hospital. We had a few patients with personality disorders. Often times, they would try to manipulate the staff against one another with lies. The best way the staff handled it was to be consistent with their answers and responses and not let emotion get involved. If you DO plan on having your step-father walk you, then you may want to communicate with him, and be on the same page and make sure that you are both telling your mother the same things. Unfortunately, this behavior can be very difficult to deal with and very difficult to respond to. I wish I could tell you the best way to handle it.

Have you talked to her about her illness? If you do, maybe you could approach it from the angle that she could "feel better" and "get more out of life" if she sought some help.

As far as your wedding goes... If she does act out, I''m not sure that there''s much you can do about it. Certainly, you would probably be better off if you showed compassion and restraint. Try to enjoy your day and not let her actions get the best of you. I wish I could offer you more guidance.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Ooh, that''s a tough situation. I also have an immediate family member with some mental "issues," you could say. Many of us are worried about a scene being created by this person and we''re dealing with it by accepting that something may happen and knowing how we''ll deal with it.

For your mother, I would have a family member that you trust be warned that she may create a scene and ask them to help remove her from the situation should she get out of control. Or if you have several family members or close friends that could be aware of the situation and have a plan set up for how to deal with her, that would be even better.

One thing I''m figuring out in all this wedding planning is that no matter what people do at your wedding to screw things up, is that it will only reflect badly on them, not you.

If you didn''t have your stepfather walk you down the aisle, who would you have? Or would you walk by yourself? I think if you want him to walk you down the aisle, and he''s willing, you should do it. Like you said, it''s YOUR wedding.

I''m sorry you''re going through this. I hope you figure it out. We''ve got some classy ladies on this board. I''m sure they''ll have some good advice for you.

Hang in there.

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 5/15/2010 9:23:11 PM
Author: Travel Goddess
Ooh, that''s a tough situation. I also have an immediate family member with some mental ''issues,'' you could say. Many of us are worried about a scene being created by this person and we''re dealing with it by accepting that something may happen and knowing how we''ll deal with it.


For your mother, I would have a family member that you trust be warned that she may create a scene and ask them to help remove her from the situation should she get out of control. Or if you have several family members or close friends that could be aware of the situation and have a plan set up for how to deal with her, that would be even better.


One thing I''m figuring out in all this wedding planning is that no matter what people do at your wedding to screw things up, is that it will only reflect badly on them, not you.


If you didn''t have your stepfather walk you down the aisle, who would you have? Or would you walk by yourself? I think if you want him to walk you down the aisle, and he''s willing, you should do it. Like you said, it''s YOUR wedding.


I''m sorry you''re going through this. I hope you figure it out. We''ve got some classy ladies on this board. I''m sure they''ll have some good advice for you.


Hang in there.

I totally agree with this. I think it''s a good idea to have a plan to deal with your mom in case something happens.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Treasure, I am so sorry. My MIL has BPD and I am told it is the hardest to treat in many ways because they NEVER see it as being them, sort of the alcoholic who can''t be treated because they can''t take the first step. We did have a plan at the wedding to prevent a scene. We had some male relatives who were on standby should there be a problem. They would have escorted her away and given her a cigarette (she smokes all the time) to keep her quite. If possible, you may want to sit your mother near an aisle so that should she start something, she can easily be escorted out front.

For what it is worth my MIL just sat there and glared through the whole thing. She probably wanted to make a scene, but didn''t so that should something go wrong she could claim she was innocent. She certainly did every sneaky thing she could before the ceremony to sew discord. So be aware that nothing may happen directly as she would rather spread rumors and make you the bad guy, at least in my experience.

I am so glad you have such a loving parent figure in your step father and he should ABSOLUTELY give you away.

 

[Amzizzle]

Treasure,I want to first say I''m very sorry you''re going through this,I know how incredibly difficult it can be.

My mother is also bi-polar and has not adhered to her treatment in about 8 years.There was points in her life she was o.k though.Now is not one of them. I am also having my wedding in November and because of the severity of her illness she won''t be invited nor does she even know the wedding is taking place.I know it seems very harsh but her illness has turned her into a manipulative,selfish,jealous,irrational,and possibly even violent person. I had to make the choice for the safety of my guests and general happiness of the overall day.

My mother has only met my fiance once,and told me afterwards that she wished he was dead so that we could spend all are time together,mind you my mother and I fight constantly because you can''t reason with unreasonable people.She also has extreme paranoia,which means she can''t handle public places anymore...I don''t know why I said all that,but I just wanted to basically say that no matter what decision you make your mother will most likely find something else to be angry or upset about,so do what makes YOU happy because if she doesn''t seek treatment she probably never will be. Best of luck with your mother,I know it''s hard...

 

[RaiKai]

I have not had a parent with bipolar...but I certainly have known several people - family included - in my life who have it as well as close friends who have parents with it. So I feel for you, as when they refuse treatment and the disease takes over there is just little rationality there. It can feel almost surreal I am sure...but it is real and it really has a massive impact on loved ones lives.

My thoughts are to ensure everyone know ahead of time who is walking you, have your stepfather walk you AND ensure you have some family prepared to take your mother out of the room if she does react badly. Chances are even if he did not walk you, your mother may react at something else so do not let this bar you from doing what sounds to be very important to you.