need your opinion please ...how would you feel?

[woodlandsmonica]

First let me say I dont need opinions on why am i still with this guy or why are we marrying, i just need to know if i am in the wrong about how i am feeling...

my fiance'''' and i have been engaged since january. he gave me a beautiful 3stone ring. we have had issues in our relationship and we ended up breaking up for a day and then getting back together. a few days after getting back together i found out the night we had broke up he ran to another woman and fooled around with her. long story short i got upset and asked him to leave again. he said fine give me back the ring. i did and he threw it down the pavement where it ended up getting ran over and ruined. just to make the picture even more clear i am an independant woman and i have never asked for him to buy me a thing. he lives with me rent and utility bill free, i pay his tanning, his gym membership and even a cell phone bill for him. I pay all the groceries, and most entertainment that we do. He has offered at times tohelp pay for dinner but i am stubborn and independant and have a hard time letting people help me. so ......he begged me to come back home and i forgave him and let him come back. he wanted to replace my ring so we went ring shoping. found a couple decent priced rings. well he decided to go on his own (which was fine by me) and buy me a new ring on his own and showed up with a ring that had three stones but they were much smaller. now he says the total weight is the same because of the three small bagets on each side but because of the three tiny baggets on each side of the ring it made the three stones much smaller than the ring i originally had. My feelings were hurt because i felt like he should of replaced my ring with the same as before especially semse he messed up and he was the one to get my original ring ruined. this ring is much smaller and the band itsself is thinner as well. i wanna add that he spend money on his car like you wouldnt believe. i know its his money and he can spend it how he see''''s fit but i feel like this is the one thing i felt he should of went all out on especially due to him getting my original ring ruined.


what are your thoughts???

 

[Thomperchik]

Tough call. I don''t know if there''s any good advice other than what you already know, run!

 

[mausketeer]

Oh sweetie..... as someone who recently called off HER own wedding I must say........ ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He lives with you yet you pay for his exenses? And he's OKAY with that? Honey, this ring is the LEAST of your worries right now! Okay, okay, I'm going to assume that you're both young and perhaps you're established in a career and you're generous and supportive enough to support him while HE goes to school (something that many, many couples do as a step towards their future TOGETHER) but YOU PAY FOR HIS TANNING????????????? If you are kind enough to PAY for him to go to school (again, I am ASSUMING that this is what the reason is because otherwise, WHY are you putting UP with this????) then he needs to cut OUT all STUPID EXTRANEOUS expenses like TANNING and PIMPING his ride. If he ISN'T going to school or is SOMEHOW otherwise UNABLE to contribute equally to the household...... girl - DHA!

Oh yeah, the thing about the ring - your original question? YES I WOULD BE SOME MAD ABOUT THAT TOO! You better believe it!

EDIT: I just reread your post and saw clearly the top line where you said you weren't looking for relationship advice and I thought "gee, maybe I should delete my answer?". Well I decided I'm not going to, sorry. If you had come on here and simply said the facts about "ring A was like this and ring B is like this" without ANY other details, that would be one thing. But I'm afraid all this other info you added about him throwing it away and you paying all the bills etc etc influences it. And it SHOULD influence how you feel about it. Both about the RING and about the GUY. You know? Are you hurt about the fact that ring #2 is less than ring #1 or are you hurt about EVERYTHING else? Hard to separate, no?

 

[risingsun]

It's difficult to address your question because of the relationship issues, but I'll try. Let him know that you want him to replace the ring that was broken in an effort to repair an engagement that was broken. You should at least have the ring that you want. It doesn't seem that you're getting much else from this guy. Sorry...

ETA: Would I be angry with him? Absolutely!!!

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:35:39 PM
Author:woodlandsmonica
First let me say I dont need opinions on why am i still with this guy or why are we marrying, i just need to know if i am in the wrong about how i am feeling...


my fiance'' and i have been engaged since january. he gave me a beautiful 3stone ring. we have had issues in our relationship and we ended up breaking up for a day and then getting back together. a few days after getting back together i found out the night we had broke up he ran to another woman and fooled around with her. long story short i got upset and asked him to leave again. he said fine give me back the ring. i did and he threw it down the pavement where it ended up getting ran over and ruined. just to make the picture even more clear i am an independant woman and i have never asked for him to buy me a thing. he lives with me rent and utility bill free, i pay his tanning, his gym membership and even a cell phone bill for him. I pay all the groceries, and most entertainment that we do. He has offered at times tohelp pay for dinner but i am stubborn and independant and have a hard time letting people help me. so ......he begged me to come back home and i forgave him and let him come back. he wanted to replace my ring so we went ring shoping. found a couple decent priced rings. well he decided to go on his own (which was fine by me) and buy me a new ring on his own and showed up with a ring that had three stones but they were much smaller. now he says the total weight is the same because of the three small bagets on each side but because of the three tiny baggets on each side of the ring it made the three stones much smaller than the ring i originally had. My feelings were hurt because i felt like he should of replaced my ring with the same as before especially semse he messed up and he was the one to get my original ring ruined. this ring is much smaller and the band itsself is thinner as well. i wanna add that he spend money on his car like you wouldnt believe. i know its his money and he can spend it how he see''s fit but i feel like this is the one thing i felt he should of went all out on especially due to him getting my original ring ruined.



what are your thoughts???

You''ve been teaching this guy for however long you''ve been together that you''ll take care of everything and that he doesn''t need to step up and be a man, because you''re doing that for him... I don''t think you should expect different behavior from him than what he''s always shown you. You take care of any financial obligations he has, so he is free to spend his money on something he wants (car), not something you want (ring).

I know you don''t want advice, so I won''t give you any, but you did ask for my thoughts. My thoughts are... If a guy breaks up with you, throws the engagement ring into traffic, fools around with another woman, and spends all of his money on his own hobbies without really thinking about what you might want... Eh.. Doesn''t sound like husband material to me...

But if you really want to stick with this guy, then by all means, tell him to replace the ring you originally got. Heck! Ask for bigger diamonds!

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:56:05 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 5/12/2009 12:35:39 PM
Author:woodlandsmonica
First let me say I dont need opinions on why am i still with this guy or why are we marrying, i just need to know if i am in the wrong about how i am feeling...


my fiance'' and i have been engaged since january. he gave me a beautiful 3stone ring. we have had issues in our relationship and we ended up breaking up for a day and then getting back together. a few days after getting back together i found out the night we had broke up he ran to another woman and fooled around with her. long story short i got upset and asked him to leave again. he said fine give me back the ring. i did and he threw it down the pavement where it ended up getting ran over and ruined. just to make the picture even more clear i am an independant woman and i have never asked for him to buy me a thing. he lives with me rent and utility bill free, i pay his tanning, his gym membership and even a cell phone bill for him. I pay all the groceries, and most entertainment that we do. He has offered at times tohelp pay for dinner but i am stubborn and independant and have a hard time letting people help me. so ......he begged me to come back home and i forgave him and let him come back. he wanted to replace my ring so we went ring shoping. found a couple decent priced rings. well he decided to go on his own (which was fine by me) and buy me a new ring on his own and showed up with a ring that had three stones but they were much smaller. now he says the total weight is the same because of the three small bagets on each side but because of the three tiny baggets on each side of the ring it made the three stones much smaller than the ring i originally had. My feelings were hurt because i felt like he should of replaced my ring with the same as before especially semse he messed up and he was the one to get my original ring ruined. this ring is much smaller and the band itsself is thinner as well. i wanna add that he spend money on his car like you wouldnt believe. i know its his money and he can spend it how he see''s fit but i feel like this is the one thing i felt he should of went all out on especially due to him getting my original ring ruined.



what are your thoughts???

You''ve been teaching this guy for however long you''ve been together that you''ll take care of everything and that he doesn''t need to step up and be a man, because you''re doing that for him... I don''t think you should expect different behavior from him than what he''s always shown you. You take care of any financial obligations he has, so he is free to spend his money on something he wants (car), not something you want (ring).

I know you don''t want advice, so I won''t give you any, but you did ask for my thoughts. My thoughts are... If a guy breaks up with you, throws the engagement ring into traffic, fools around with another woman, and spends all of his money on his own hobbies without really thinking about what you might want... Eh.. Doesn''t sound like husband material to me...

But if you really want to stick with this guy, then by all means, tell him to replace the ring you originally got. Heck! Ask for bigger diamonds!

HUGE DITTO TO THIS... and I would DEMAND bigger diamonds - and that he spend as much on the 2nd ring as the first... (did he buy you the first?) but no, if something was damaged at the hand of someone I would at the very least want a replacement of what I lost, and due to the aggrivation of the act, I''d demand something bigger to basically apologise for the wrongdoing. Marriage = sacrafice... so he should figure that out, by sacrificing spending the money on his hobby to be a man and take responsibility for his actions, and replace what was DAMAGED DUE TO HIS NEGLIGENCE... and not just half a$$ the replacement...

NOTE: If you have HO or Renter''s insurance, damage by automobile is a covered peril... and this may be covered under your insurance policy, so you may not have to take a complete hit at its replacement.

 

[AdiS]

You pay his tanning, his gym membership and the cell phone bill for him. He fools around with another woman, ruins your e-ring, spends all his money on his car while living rent and utility bill free with you and then buys you a new, smaller e-ring. Well yes, I can see the problem. Not sure bigger diamonds could solve it, though. To answer your question: yes, I'd be mad-at myself.

 

[woodlandsmonica]

he is 24 and i am 32. he has a good job, no he is not going to school. my point is that he spends almost 700 a month in car payment and he loves putting new things on his cars. for instance he had no issue going to pay over 350 just for these new bright lights for the front head lights. i feel like i''m last on his priority list. i have never asked him for a dime, and my feelings are hurt because the replacment ring isnt the same as my orignal. i feel like this is the one thing he could of showed me how he feels and to replace it with a ring that looks much smaller than the one he proposed with (even tho its the same in carat he says but the tiny baggets on the sides makes it the same carat but the 3 stones are much much smaller that sit on top) just really hurt my feelings. i feel like i oay for 99.9% in everything we do and felt that my wedding ring would of been something he would of took more pride in. when we went and looked at rings we found this amazing beautiful ring that was just breath taking. it wasnt even that expensive, with discounts and stuff it was only $1850.... he had just sold a watch for 1200 and told me he was using that money to help buy my replacment ring. he ended up going and buying the ring i have now and bragged how he sold that watch for 1200 and used some money to buy my replacment and still had money left over from the sale of the watch. i am a very giving person and love to go out of my way to do things for others and i was just hopeing that this one thing he would of made special for me....

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:35:39 PM
Author:woodlandsmonica
First let me say I dont need opinions on why am i still with this guy or why are we marrying, i just need to know if i am in the wrong about how i am feeling...

Yes. You''re wrong about how you''re feeling. You need to embrace being a 2nd class citizen & having all your needs come last a.s.a.p. Its clear you''re doing very well at that. But, since you''re mad about the new smaller ring, you''re not FULLY embracing your role as permanent doormat. If you''ve made a fuss about it to him, I think you should send him to a spa for a weekend as an apology. Just him. You don''t deserve to go.

Any more questions?

 

[grapegravity]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:10:18 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady
BIG RED FLAG......... run.

Ditto... before it''s too late....

 

[nothingclever]

did someone already say run? good, then I don''t need to say it again.

 

[poshpepper]

Getting a smaller ring the second time around under those circumstances would make me very upset... however, like the other posters have mentioned this does not seem to be out of the ordinary behavior from him... were you really expecting different?

If you tell him that you are disappointed how will he react?

 

[sctsbride09]

Uh, sorry to be the blunt one, but this guy doesnt want a wife. He wants a meal ticket. the end.

 

[woodlandsmonica]

no he doesnt help out with bills and such but he does help me with my kids at times when i have to work and i cant get them to where they need to go. he is a good guy, we have fun and make each other laugh...i was just hurt by the replacement ring not being the same as the orginal

 

[DearBuddha]

Oh, dear sweet baby Jesus. Honey, a smaller e-ring is the very least of your problems.

Take that fierce independant streak you claim and get the heck out of dodge before you wake up one morning and realize you married Kevin Federline.

I know you prefaced your post with a "please no opinions" request, but I don''t like to mince words that are badly needed. If you feel second to his car (or any other expenditure that doesn''t benefit you as a couple), you need to move on and up. Find yourself someone who won''t destroy expensive jewelry, or fool around during breaks, or make you feel any less than you deserve or want. Part of marriage is accepting help from your SO, pride or no. If you can''t do that now, maybe you''re not really ready to be married.

Sorry to be harsh, but sweetheart, you need it.

 

[chiquitapet]

I`m sorry, I know you didn''t ask for relationship advice, but I really need to repeat this - run! Especially if children are involved. If you don''t run for your sake, run for them.

The ring is really not the major issue here - but yes I`d be very upset if he did that.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:18:30 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 5/12/2009 12:35:39 PM
Author:woodlandsmonica
First let me say I dont need opinions on why am i still with this guy or why are we marrying, i just need to know if i am in the wrong about how i am feeling...

Yes. You''re wrong about how you''re feeling. You need to embrace being a 2nd class citizen & having all your needs come last a.s.a.p. Its clear you''re doing very well at that. But, since you''re mad about the new smaller ring, you''re not FULLY embracing your role as permanent doormat. If you''ve made a fuss about it to him, I think you should send him to a spa for a weekend as an apology. Just him. You don''t deserve to go.

Ditto, except a spa weekend really isn''t enough. You should sell your new engagement ring and buy him some new rims for his car with the money. This will help you to better align your priorities with his.

 

[ms.halo]

How would I feel?

I''d feel like finding someone else who valued me more than car headlights.

 

[nothingclever]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:47:59 PM
Author: DearBuddha

Take that fierce independant streak you claim and get the heck out of dodge before you wake up one morning and realize you married Kevin Federline.



Sorry to be harsh, but sweetheart, you need it.

I agree. You may feel financially independant but you sound very emotionally dependant. Have you ever been married before? Do you have ANY idea what you are in for if you marry this guy? And you would put your kids in a relationship with someone who is so narcissistic? If not for you, step back and look at it for them. What type of example will he set for them? What type of example will your relationship set for them and possibly mold thier future relationships? What type of example are you setting for them by letting yourself be used?

 

[Lilac]

Not sure how to answer your question because I don''t think it''s the smaller ring that should be upsetting you - it''s the way he treats you. It''s one thing if he tries to pay for things and works hard and is actually struggling and you are helping him until he gets financially stable/settled - but that''s not the case here. He has money, he just chooses to spend it on his car and not on you. He expects you to pay for food, living expenses, and even TANNING for him without so much as using any of his own money to replace a ring he ruined.

I don''t think you should be upset - I think you should be happy you got this wake up call and run before it''s too late. And I think you should find someone who treats you the way you deserve - whether that includes buying you a beautiful ring, taking you out to dinner, or just simply treating you with the love and respect you deserve.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:15:30 PM
Author: woodlandsmonica
he is 24 and i am 32. he has a good job, no he is not going to school. my point is that he spends almost 700 a month in car payment and he loves putting new things on his cars. for instance he had no issue going to pay over 350 just for these new bright lights for the front head lights. i feel like i''m last on his priority list. i have never asked him for a dime, and my feelings are hurt because the replacment ring isnt the same as my orignal. i feel like this is the one thing he could of showed me how he feels and to replace it with a ring that looks much smaller than the one he proposed with (even tho its the same in carat he says but the tiny baggets on the sides makes it the same carat but the 3 stones are much much smaller that sit on top) just really hurt my feelings. i feel like i oay for 99.9% in everything we do and felt that my wedding ring would of been something he would of took more pride in. when we went and looked at rings we found this amazing beautiful ring that was just breath taking. it wasnt even that expensive, with discounts and stuff it was only $1850.... he had just sold a watch for 1200 and told me he was using that money to help buy my replacment ring. he ended up going and buying the ring i have now and bragged how he sold that watch for 1200 and used some money to buy my replacment and still had money left over from the sale of the watch. i am a very giving person and love to go out of my way to do things for others and i was just hopeing that this one thing he would of made special for me....

this sounds like a list of excuses to me. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. The age factor may make a difference in whether or not he is REALLY READY for a commitment like marriage, especially a pre-packaged family!!!

I think you need to sit down together and throughly discuss a lot of things, not just about the ring and why this bothers you... and honestly after benig broken up for ONE NIGHT, he runs off and fools around with someone else... he CLEARLY is not ready for marriage. I wouldn''t drag your kids through this... because this is relationship is headed towards failure.
Don''t put yourself or your kids through this. I don''t think that the ring is really the issue here... You''re trying to put a price on self respect... and you can''t really do that. I would suggest counseling before you even start planning that wedding. I''m sorry, I know you aren''t seeking advice, I just wish you the best. You usually get what you ask for... and you aren''t really asking for much.

 

[gemgirl]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:56:05 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 5/12/2009 12:35:39 PM
Author:woodlandsmonica
First let me say I dont need opinions on why am i still with this guy or why are we marrying, i just need to know if i am in the wrong about how i am feeling...


my fiance'' and i have been engaged since january. he gave me a beautiful 3stone ring. we have had issues in our relationship and we ended up breaking up for a day and then getting back together. a few days after getting back together i found out the night we had broke up he ran to another woman and fooled around with her. long story short i got upset and asked him to leave again. he said fine give me back the ring. i did and he threw it down the pavement where it ended up getting ran over and ruined. just to make the picture even more clear i am an independant woman and i have never asked for him to buy me a thing. he lives with me rent and utility bill free, i pay his tanning, his gym membership and even a cell phone bill for him. I pay all the groceries, and most entertainment that we do. He has offered at times tohelp pay for dinner but i am stubborn and independant and have a hard time letting people help me. so ......he begged me to come back home and i forgave him and let him come back. he wanted to replace my ring so we went ring shoping. found a couple decent priced rings. well he decided to go on his own (which was fine by me) and buy me a new ring on his own and showed up with a ring that had three stones but they were much smaller. now he says the total weight is the same because of the three small bagets on each side but because of the three tiny baggets on each side of the ring it made the three stones much smaller than the ring i originally had. My feelings were hurt because i felt like he should of replaced my ring with the same as before especially semse he messed up and he was the one to get my original ring ruined. this ring is much smaller and the band itsself is thinner as well. i wanna add that he spend money on his car like you wouldnt believe. i know its his money and he can spend it how he see''s fit but i feel like this is the one thing i felt he should of went all out on especially due to him getting my original ring ruined.



what are your thoughts???

You''ve been teaching this guy for however long you''ve been together that you''ll take care of everything and that he doesn''t need to step up and be a man, because you''re doing that for him... I don''t think you should expect different behavior from him than what he''s always shown you. You take care of any financial obligations he has, so he is free to spend his money on something he wants (car), not something you want (ring).

I know you don''t want advice, so I won''t give you any, but you did ask for my thoughts. My thoughts are... If a guy breaks up with you, throws the engagement ring into traffic, fools around with another woman, and spends all of his money on his own hobbies without really thinking about what you might want... Eh.. Doesn''t sound like husband material to me...

But if you really want to stick with this guy, then by all means, tell him to replace the ring you originally got. Heck! Ask for bigger diamonds!

I''m afraid I''d have to agree. We do teach people how to treat us simply by accepting this less than ideal behavior and it''s a shame because you are deserving of so much more. Personally I think he sounds immature, manipulative and dishonest by cheating on you. You certainly don''t need any guy to help you survive financially and frankly, that''s what keeps an awful lot of women in less than ideal relationships these days. My best advice is to close the door on this relationship and don''t look back. He doesn''t appear to husband material to me either. Guys like him are all to common, and common meant in this way is an especially bad thing.

 

[oneam]

The ring is the least of your worries, but first, to answer your question about the ring, yes, you absolutely have a right to be upset, but after reading all the details, I have to wonder why you'd want to marry the guy anyway. I assume you love him, and he may very well love you, but that alone will not make a good marriage and he doesn't seem to be a suitable boyfriend and won't likely change after marriage. I don't have a problem w/ age gaps in general, but men are typically less mature than women, esp. so in their 20's, and even the most responsible ones at that age sometimes aren't ready for marriage and this guys doesn't seem to be a responsible one. Whether you want to hear it or not, it's in your and your children's best interests to consider what life will be like if you marry this man. From your own description he seems immature, selfish, irresponsible and untrustworthy. You said he wanted to come home and work things out, however, can you be sure that he sincerely wants to be with you and work on the relationship, or is he so dependent on you financially that that is the easiest path for him? Is there a reason he can pay a $700 car payment but can't pay his own tanning (tanning? really?) and cell phone expenses? I'd be curious as to what he would do if you asked him to pay his own bills and contribute to the household expenses. If that would be dealbreaker for him, you need to consider what his priorities and motives are. Good luck, whatever you do.

 

[decodelighted]

Can we get Judge Judy to do an intervention here? This situation is like an entire season of Judge Judy in one. You know all those women who sign car notes for dudes, pay for vacations, their own ring, plastic surgery, motorcycles etc --- the dude inevitably cheats & then he''s standing over on the other side of the courtroom with a wide cheshire cat grin and new girlfriend saying "those were all gifts, your Honor!".

I don''t care what kind of babysitting help he is -- or how much he makes you "laugh" -- this guy is a textbook user/loser. GAH! WAKE UP!

He''s SHOWING you EXACTLY what life is going to be with him ... you pay for everything, he perfects a series of vanity cars, you take care of the kids, he pitch hits every once in a while, you have an argument, he cheats on you, he needs a roof over his head, you take him back, he destroys your things, you accept crumbs.

You think your "independence" give you control. Its too scary to be in a real mutual relationship & *share* control. So you''ll be the provider & mommy to him for a false sense of security. Well kids grow up & rebel & LEAVE. The minute someone one cent richer or even more need-free comes a long....WHOOSH. There he goes.

 

[gwendolyn]

If you want a bigger ring, ask for it. Doesn't sound like he'll step up on his own to give you what you want, so go and ask for it yourself! There's being an independent woman, and then there's letting a guy totally mooch off you because no bar is too low. Tell him what you want! That goes for rings and anything else you need from him.

 

[Mariposa]

Tanning?????

Buy yourself a ring, lose the little boy.

Good luck,
Mariposa

 

[Vancity]

Let''s put aside your mental health for a moment, and concentrate on your physical health.

I''d get myself (and him) to a clinic, and get an aids test ASAP.

I had a friend, whose man occasionally dabbled here and there with other women. She turned a blind eye to it, and it cost her her life. She died a horrible death from aids (RIP Amanda), and left her 2 beautiful children behind...

Once a cheat, always a cheat ...

Now, I''m off to the "Proposal Ideas" thread, where the men that post there really care about their women, and treat them with the respect, love, & dignity they deserve.

~Allyson

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:15:30 PM
Author: woodlandsmonica
.....

i feel like this is the one thing he could of showed me how he feels and to replace it with a ring that looks much smaller than the one he proposed with ..... just really hurt my feelings. ..............


.

Well, he DID show you how he feels...he got you a smaller ring, that says something...and you were upset about it...he is not going to change, he has no reason to change, he has a ''good thing going'' as is, so if you aren''t happy with him as is, please take the ''time to move on'' advice that''s been given.

 

[littlemissindecisive]

ok-my opinion is we women should all be loved and the right guy is going to treat you like a queen and want to do everything he can to please you...

I would not feel the "love" if he spends money on his car as I pay the bulk of everyday living cost , YET he still can''t seem to replace the set he ruined which is important to me.
This resentment will build on you and make you feel unspecial--everytime he spends money on his car and himself while you buy groceries and rent and wear a ring from a man whose loyalty should be questioned.

Oh yeah and the tanning and gym? Get real--lets make him buff and tan so he can look good and possible mess around again?

I am sure you deserve so much better than him!

 

[MMT]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:52:22 PM
Author: chiquitapet
I`m sorry, I know you didn''t ask for relationship advice, but I really need to repeat this - run! Especially if children are involved. If you don''t run for your sake, run for them.

The ring is really not the major issue here - but yes I`d be very upset if he did that.

I agree please run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!