Need to Vent-House Related

[cindygenit]

Hi ladies

Ok, 2 months ago, my FI and I decided to buy a house, and get married next year. I said that it will be better if each of us concentrate on one thing only and my FI said he would take care of all the paperwork of the house, and I would do all the wedding planning including contacting vendors, organising meeting and tastings, arranging for deposits to be sent away etc etc. On top of that. All of our house bills are in my name, so when the time comes, FI just has to fork out so much and I arrange all payments.

I got a call from a very upset FFIL, saying that out real estate agent contacted him and saying that the home that we wanted to buy was going to be put on DEFAULT!!! He said that the agent tried to call Fi lots of times last week, leaving him urgent messages but Fi didn't call them back at all. They were very upset at his lack of communication. They thought we had disappeared off the face of the planet! They also brought up the issue of our finances which haven't been approved at the time of them calling (last week) but out finance manager actually told us that our loan was approved last Friday. Again, Fi failed to call the real estate agent this.

Basically, my FI did a MAJOR screw up. It makes me feel like I can't ever trust him with the important stuff. I know it is our house. But he should have done MORE. He told me he would take care of everything, and all I would have to do is sign the paperwork. He didn't even do that. he said it was way over his head, so I went through the paperwork, checked everything, and told HIM where to sign.

I feel so stressed right now. Thanks if you read this far. I hope he can fix it.

ETA: The home loan manager has just called me and she told me that Fi hadn't been in contact with her for over a month. Fi said they spoke last week. Now I really don't understand what's going on?

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Aw, i''m sorry he didn''t get it all organised like he should have!

Unfortunately one thing i have found (esp with my fi) is that if you want something done properly and on time, it''s just best to do it yourself which sucks coz you can''t do everything.

 

[noelwr]

that does suck. maybe time to ask him how serious he is all about this. if he really want to be with you, he needs to grow up otherwise you guys are going to have this friction continuously during your marriage.

 

[KimberlyH]

Time to have a serious sit-down and find out what the heck is going on that he isn''t doing what he needs to and (this is the worst part in my mind) he lied to you about it.

You are partners, or should be, and solving the problem by taking over doesn''t guarantee that anything is fixed. In the long run you will resent him for not doing his part in the relationship.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/7/2009 11:48:29 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Time to have a serious sit-down and find out what the heck is going on that he isn''t doing what he needs to and (this is the worst part in my mind) he lied to you about it.

You are partners, or should be, and solving the problem by taking over doesn''t guarantee that anything is fixed. In the long run you will resent him for not doing his part in the relationship.

Ditto...it is completely unacceptable that he can''t take care of his end of things. If he was in over his head he should have said something to you-I can''t see why he wouldn''t!

I took the lead on house stuff for me and my then-fiance, now husband because I had done insane amounts of research, but when I needed him to take care of something (e-mailing W2s, scheduling inspection, etc.) I knew I could count on him to do it. I wouldn''t have felt very comfortable marrying someone who couldn''t take care of important things. Yikes...I hope you two can work this out ASAP.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

You know, sometimes guys just aren''t good at these things. I''m not sure why, but this is what I have found. I pretty much take care of ALL of this kind of stuff.

When we sort of split stuff up before, things would get missed on his end...not intentionally or with malilce or some ulterior motive, but just because he had forgotten, or something else came up, or whatever. But, over time I just realized that "paperwork" stuff was not his forte - and in talking with a lot of my girlfriends, they felt the same way about their BFs, FIs, DHs, etc. We came to the conclusion maybe it is just a guy thing?

Anyway, not an excuse for what yours did...just a different perspective. I hope it all works out okay and you get the house!!!

 

[KimberlyH]

I'm not buying the "it's a guy thing" theory; if we were talking about forgetting to take the dog out it could be chalked up to one person being more forgetful than the other, but we're not. They are buying a house together, and he needed to remain in contact with the loan agent and the real estate agent to make sure things were getting done, being a guy doesn't excuse lying or not ensuring that they are going to have a place to live.

I do know it is very typical for one partner in a relationship to be better at certain things than the other (one is better at cleaning, the other better about paying the bills on time) and tasks should be divided according to strengths and likes/dislikes. But this is one of those things that simply should not have been screwed up, no matter who was responsible.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 9/7/2009 2:23:27 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I''m not buying the ''it''s a guy thing'' theory; if we were talking about forgetting to take the dog out it could be chalked up to one person being more forgetful than the other, but we''re not. They are buying a house together, and he needed to remain in contact with the loan agent and the real estate agent to make sure things were getting done, being a guy doesn''t excuse lying or not ensuring that they are going to have a place to live.

I do know it is very typical for one partner in a relationship to be better at certain things than the other (one is better at cleaning, the other better about paying the bills on time) and tasks should be divided according to strengths and likes/dislikes. But this is one of those things that simply should not have been screwed up, no matter who was responsible.

I guess I''m just more of a "benefit of the doubt" type person before I hear the entire story, both sides.

 

[purrfectpear]

I suspect one of two things is happening here. Either he has cold feet about the entire commitment, in which case you have BIG issues to discuss...or he is just having problems with the idea of the financial commitment of purchasing a house and being in debt for 30 years for more money than he ever has been, in which case you can probably talk it out.

I seriously doubt he''s just a guy who is irresponsible and "forgets" to ever return calls.

You guys need to get to the bottom of it ASAP. I wish you lots of luck. Try not to panic and get him all defensive, as the goal is to get to the real root of what''s going on.

 

[allycat0303]

A house is a MAJOR purchase. It sounds to me like he might not be quite ready to jump into this (or perhaps he''s not sure about the house you''ve picked out). I don''t think people *forget* these types of things. I think they selectively forget because they are not ready, or unsure of their decision. I hope you work it out!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 9/7/2009 2:55:16 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I suspect one of two things is happening here. Either he has cold feet about the entire commitment, in which case you have BIG issues to discuss...or he is just having problems with the idea of the financial commitment of purchasing a house and being in debt for 30 years for more money than he ever has been, in which case you can probably talk it out.


I seriously doubt he''s just a guy who is irresponsible and ''forgets'' to ever return calls.


You guys need to get to the bottom of it ASAP. I wish you lots of luck. Try not to panic and get him all defensive, as the goal is to get to the real root of what''s going on.

Ditto. Hopefully you''ll both be able to talk about what is actually happening here and be able to work through it together. Best wishes, hon.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/7/2009 2:41:50 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love

Date: 9/7/2009 2:23:27 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I''m not buying the ''it''s a guy thing'' theory; if we were talking about forgetting to take the dog out it could be chalked up to one person being more forgetful than the other, but we''re not. They are buying a house together, and he needed to remain in contact with the loan agent and the real estate agent to make sure things were getting done, being a guy doesn''t excuse lying or not ensuring that they are going to have a place to live.

I do know it is very typical for one partner in a relationship to be better at certain things than the other (one is better at cleaning, the other better about paying the bills on time) and tasks should be divided according to strengths and likes/dislikes. But this is one of those things that simply should not have been screwed up, no matter who was responsible.

I guess I''m just more of a ''benefit of the doubt'' type person before I hear the entire story, both sides.

ROL, I''d be 100% with you if we were talking about leaving shoes scattered around the house after being asked to pick them up (that''s my terrible habit, and I always leave them where someone might trip, I''m lucky my husband doesn''t want to kill me for it!), but with something as big as the purchase of a home I just can''t see how a persion, male of female, could simply forget.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Any updates, dear? Hoping you''ve had time to have a heart-to-heart with your FI and figure out what exactly is going on.

 

[Hera]

He sounds like my husband. How I deal with it, is that I handle almost all projects in my household. It doesn''t bother me because I can be pretty obsessive, researching every last thing.

 

[Steel]

On reading your post I feel sorry for your FI (and you too btw).

Take him out on neutral grounds (cafe, local park or restaurant) and ask him how he is doing. Then depending how he replies ask him directly about the house.

Take care.

 

[Pandora II]

Sorry, this is not a ''guy thing''.

It raises a lot of red flags to me and I would be suprised if FFIL didn''t want a few words as well.

Fiscal responsibility, honesty and good communication skills are IMHO vital to any marriage and your FI has just failed on all 3 in a row here. Could well be a case of cold feet at the whole ''growing up'' concept in which case I''m sure you''ll both work things out.

If it''s not then I would run for the hills.

 

[cindygenit]

Hi ladies!

I had a long talk with Fi yesterday and he explained the whole thing to me.

Basically, the agents were phoning him up to ask about our financing, but they had always called when he is asleep (for him, sleeping time is in the afternoon since he is a baker/pastrychef). Fi said that he never got any miscalls or any voice messages from them. He told me he checked and nothing.

Our real estate agent told me that his main screw up here is his lack of communication with THEM.

I also spoke with the loan manager handling our home loan. Apparently, Fi had been speaking to someone else. Not her!

I really wanna believe that Fi didn''t intentionally screw up and lied to me. But then that would mean that he is a complete, and utter idiot. How could he speak to a random person and just assume that she was the loan manager? How did his phone magically not record any miscalls or voice messages.

He did fix the problem and everything is fine now. But I still feel a bit unsettled.

 

[Hera]

I think you''re being a little hard on him. Buying a house is daunting and unfamiliar.

 

[cindygenit]

Yeah, i probably am being a bit harsh.

I really believe now that organisation is not his forte and he can't do more than one thing at a time.

Since everything is fine now, i just want to get over this hump and get OVER it. Reading my previous post makes me so ashamed

. The things that happened are probably NOT entirely his fault. I don't understand why the agents didn't call me when they couldn't get through to Fi though! I mean, I work normal business hours, they are sure to reach me when they call me during work hours.

Anyway, Fi is beating himself up hard enough without me coming down on him so hard.

Thank you all for the words of wisdom and support.

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping everything goes smoothly from now on

.

 

[susied]

I''m a little late on responding here, but I would like to say that even though I agree with most of the comments about there possibly being an underlying issue (fear of commitment, etc,), it is quite possible all of the things he said happened really happened. I just got through the home buying process and it was a NIGHTMARE. I had problems on all ends (lender, inspector, and mostly my realtor) with people not doing what they were supposed to be doing, etc. If he isn''t an organized person, I can see how it got out of hand quickly. I think what you are feeling is totally warranted...I can''t imagine trying to do two very major things like buying a house and planning a wedding at one time.
I hope things work out okay for you guys...keep us posted!

 

[Patchee]

UT oh.. this is to be considered a big OOOPS, and something you should think about HARD before you marry FI. Does he want a house with you or not? This is a HUGE life changing thing for you both and he failed to ignore the calls he was getting pertaining to what the next step in BOTH of your lives is going to be, also, he lied to you saying he spoke to the person last week, when in fact, it''s been over a month. There is no reason for the broker (whomever the contact person is) to lie so someone is.. like your FI.

This is red flag, I hope it works out!

 

[Patchee]

I just read your replies OP. and, yeah for you feeling better.

But, the story does not match up. If he wanted this house as bad as you don''t you think he would have said WTF, let''s call them because no one has called me?

Now that the heat was put on him he said he''s been talking to someone else - why didn''t he tell you about his conversations with the someone else instead of telling you no one called him? He is lying to you still. I hope you see that he is?

 

[TooPatient]

We bought a house about 18 months ago. (just in his name but I was the one doing the work on it). He is usually pretty organized but if people didn''t call him, he figured it was all fine and no problems. (usually true)

I''ve also noticed that he isn''t too particular about who he talks to when he calls. And doesn''t usually pass on that it was someone different.

As for the calls not showing up on his phone, I''ve seen some strange stuff on mine. It wedges sometimes so the call doesn''t go into the log. And it empties out the list sometimes so it doesn''t go all the way back.


Be cautious, but I can imagine legitamate things that would explain the problems that came up.

 

[cindygenit]

Patchee, thank you for your concern. I did chat with him yesterday again and I told him I probably don't trust him very much because of this. He said he knew he screwed up and that I should take my time to forgive him. He said he's gonna try harder and be in contact with the real estate agent, the loan manager, and the settlement agent too.

ETA: He didn't even realise he wasn't talking to the loan manager. He called her usual number, and he spoke to the girl who picked up the phone about the loan. His words were, " Well, she did sound like a young woman... and our loan manager is a young woman...."

It is his first house, and our first house together. No one is really helping us or telling us about the process so we both have no clue what we are doing. Hopefully everything is going to be ok.

Thanks again.

 

[Patchee]

Hi Cindy

Phew.. I am really happy you got this all squared away and just wanted to say I hope you both get the house of your dreams, and have the wedding/married life to match! Good luck and congrats when the house stuff all works out. It is such a PITA buying a house, talk about confusing!

 

[KimberlyH]

Cindy, I''m so glad you and your fiance are talking openly about what happened and that he understands your frustration. Best of luck with house buying, hope the rest goes smoothly.

 

[Luckyeshe]

Cindy, I''m a bit late on this thread, but I am glad that everything worked out in the long run. Always try to keep open communication between the two of you since you''re going to be partners for life, this is something that I''m learning on working on . Some guys aren''t good with the details and he just might be one of them.

 

[cindygenit]

Thanks you guys!

My Fi told me yesterday that our financing has been approved. The loan manager is in contact with the settlement agent to get all the peperwork done in time for us to get the government grant which is 21 k. Wooot!

I''m so excited!!!

My OWN kitchen, our OWN backyard, and our OWN HOUSE!!!! (well its a unit, but anyway...

)

 

[quetonee]

Okay I''m sorry but.... Buying a home is a huge, huge deal! Gigantic! Possibly the biggest financial decision in your life! This is not something to enter into casually or without a thorough discussion with your fiance!! Maybe I''ve just been watching too much HGTV, with first-time home buyers who don''t know the first thing about homeownership and have saved up a grand total of 3% for a downpayment but, no wonder we have a foreclosure crisis around this country!!

My advice, slow things down, talk it out - your long term goals, career goals, financial goals, relationship goals. 100% financial disclosure between the two of you. If you''re not ready to buy a home - which it sounds like your fiance isn''t - don''t rush it. Your fiance might be a great guy, but frankly, he does not sound close to being mature enough to own a home.