LiW Need to have "The Talk" but I''m terrified.

[KCCutie]

Quickly. E and I have been together almost 2 years (2 years in May) and we''ve never had the talk. I mean we''ve talked at different times about marriage and us and all the important things but never really had the talk.

My family has been getting very vocal lately about him buying me a ring and asking me to marry him and such and my only answer is "you''ll have to ask him" and I hate that answer.

Really I shouldn''t be talking about this with my family, if I talk about this with anyone it really should be my wonderful SO, and I do need to talk to him. Seriously I''m just afraid and I know it''s silly, but he can be so hot and cold on this issue. I''m afraid my hopes will be dashed and I''m not sure I''m ready to give up my daydreams just yet. To clarify I know that he wants to be married someday and that he sees himself married to me it''s the timing and him personally deciding that he''s ready for it. So I''m not afraid he''ll say "I don''t know if I want to marry you", but rather he''ll say something like "Well sure someday but not within the next couple years."

My 31st birthday is coming up in May and I know I shouldn''t be worried about it but all I want is to be married and be a great wife and mother and I always thought it would have already happened and now that it hasn''t it''s hard to be rational about it all. Plus I had an emotional week (my mom had major surgery yesterday) and I''m afraid the littlest thing will send me over the edge into a crying jag. So I''ve been just trying to sneak in conversations whenever the conversation started to go that way, but I know I just need to sit down with the intent to have this conversation and just do it.

I''m thinking of saying you know my family is kinda nutty about this lately and I don''t know what to tell them. So I thought about it and maybe I don''t need to tell them anything yet but it''s starting to get to me too. I want to make sure we''re on the same page so I can forget about pleasing them.

Am I going about this all wrong?

 

[neatfreak]

Personally, I think in a normal adult relationship you should feel comfortable talking to him about it without having to blame your family. Just tell him you''d like to talk about a few things concerning your future together just to make sure you are on the same page. And more than likely he will be totally fine with discussing it with you. But if he freaks out on you, then unfortunately you have your answer too. Some men just arent'' ready no matter how old they are. Then you might need to make your own decisions about what is best for you. But that really is putting the cart before the horse as I am sure he''ll react fine!

Good luck!!!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Honestly, don’t use your family as a cover-up for what YOU want to talk to him about. You are going to be 31 years old, it’s only natural that you should start thinking, especially at the 2 year mark, where the relationship is heading. Even if mom and all the other members of your family are pressuring you about your relationship, don’t let that be the catalyst for a discussion that should be only about what you and your SO want.

Find a time when you are both relaxed and explain how you feel to him. When having these talks with my SO I have found it is easier if I check my tears at the door before trying to talk to him. If I find myself getting emotional during the conversation, I will take a break from the discussion. There’s nothing worse than sobbing through any sort of big discussion: often times that is when people are prone to say things just to make their partner happy.

I understand your fear of having your hopes dashed but I am sure there are many ladies on this board (and graduates of it) that will tell you that sometimes the reality check, however painful it may be at first, it far better than sitting around for years just hoping he will propose. Sometimes guys really need to be TOLD that you want to be engaged and that you are very ready to take that next step.

Good luck with talking to him about everything!

 

[KCCutie]

I guess I should clarify a little. I understand that it would be silly and immature to blame my family or to use them as an excuse. It is true that their comments have prompted me to talk to him, but I realize that I want to talk to him for me not for them. I probably won''t even tell them what comes out of this talk.

I guess I was just using that as sort of a lead in. Not really "So what should I tell them?" as I realize reading my original post it may have seemed like I wanted to say it that way.

 

[surfgirl]

whatever you decide, I would not have this talk with him right now. Your mom just had surgery and no doubt you''re emotionally spent. Right now isn''t the time, IMO. Wait until you feel like you''re over this hurdle with the family health issues and then, by all means, talk away. I fear that if you talk right now and he indicates he''s not ready for marriage, it will send you over the edge because you''re coming off a highly emotional roller coaster with your mom''s health issues, yes? I''m not saying dont talk, I''m just saying you might want to wait - a few days, a week, whatever''s right for you.

 

[KCCutie]

surfgirl - I''m so glad you said that b/c of course in my crazed little head tonight sounded like the perfect time to have this talk. I knew someone would talk some sense into me. You''re right I had an emotional roller-coaster week and I need to try to hold off on this for a few days at least. Seriously just writing the first post I got teared up so there''s no way I could possibly "check my tears at the door" tonight.

I don''t even know why I''m so terrified. I said myself, and I know in my heart it''s true, that I know he wants to get married someday, and that he sees himself married to me, so really all I''m wanting is a time-line. That''s not so scary. Or at least it shouldn''t be....

 

[bee*]

I was going to suggest the same thing as surfgirl. I don''t think this is the right week to have that talk, especially after your mom just had surgery. When you''re feeling a bit better then approach the subject. Just have an open honest chat about it.

 

[swingirl]

The reason why you are afraid to have the talk is because you think he''ll tell you what you don''t want to hear. So before you talk make sure you are clear in your mind about where you stand.

Are willing to wait for a proposal for 2+ years?

Are you willing to be engaged for 2+ years?

Would you be willing to wait another few years once you are engaged (weddings take time to plan)?

And will you be ticked off if after waiting 2, 3 or 4 years to get married you find you have fertility issues due to your age? Once you are sure about your limits you''ll be ready to talk, get some answers and make some decisions.

 

[choro72]

Date: 3/18/2008 6:46:39 PM
Author: swingirl
The reason why you are afraid to have the talk is because you think he''ll tell you what you don''t want to hear. So before you talk make sure you are clear in your mind about where you stand.

Are willing to wait for a proposal for 2+ years?

Are you willing to be engaged for 2+ years?

Would you be willing to wait another few years once you are engaged (weddings take time to plan)?

And will you be ticked off if after waiting 2, 3 or 4 years to get married you find you have fertility issues due to your age? Once you are sure about your limits you''ll be ready to talk, get some answers and make some decisions.

Ooo, much better wording than I could have put! Your SO should be understanding to your answers to these questions, and should be able to give you a clear answer.
I also agree to wait to avoid the emotional events going on around you.

 

[KCCutie]

Date: 3/18/2008 6:46:39 PM
Author: swingirl
The reason why you are afraid to have the talk is because you think he''ll tell you what you don''t want to hear. So before you talk make sure you are clear in your mind about where you stand.

Are willing to wait for a proposal for 2+ years?

Are you willing to be engaged for 2+ years?

Would you be willing to wait another few years once you are engaged (weddings take time to plan)?

And will you be ticked off if after waiting 2, 3 or 4 years to get married you find you have fertility issues due to your age? Once you are sure about your limits you''ll be ready to talk, get some answers and make some decisions.

Of course! I''m afraid he''ll say what I don''t want to hear. Why is the obvious so hard to see sometimes.

Honestly I have thought about it and I have been thinking abou it for a while...and I am willing to wait another year to be engaged (but sooner is always better), but I don''t want a long engagement. We both want a destination wedding where someone else sets it all up and we just show up, nothing fancy, no big guest list just immediate family. So I would think 6-9 months, but I''m just guessing. That way we can have a couple years to enjoy being married before we decide to have kids and I''ll only be 35 by then. I just don''t want him to feel like I''m giving him an ultimatum, that''s a big part of it.....I''m just scared it will come off wrong. If he said he couldn''t do that I''d probably be a little upset but that doesn''t mean I''d be ready to leave b/c he really is everything I want and more.

I also feel llike a bit of a hypocrit as the first time we talked about getting engaged he said he thought we would for sure get married someday, but we both agreed we weren''t "in a hurry." That was last summer. Obviously men and women have totally different ideas of what "a hurry" is, but I didn''t mean I would wait 3-4 years. I guess I just need to be more clear.

Honestly I don''t think he''ll be surprised that I want to talk about this with all the talk of geting married and diamonds that have been popping up lately. I''m sure he already thinks I''m nuts.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I know I went through a similar situation like this this fall with my mom having operations for cancer and being ticked off that I wasn''t engaged. It took me a while to realize that my SO was more concerned about us being there for my mom than worrying about engagement. He also said it would be a bad time because it was family we should be concentrating on at that time(because you never know what could happen). A few weeks after that talk he also said that we weren''t financially ready yet either. So, these may be some things to keep in mind. Is your SO the same age as you? I couldn''t remember if you had said so or not.

 

[KCCutie]

Smurfy-

Yes he''s actually a little older he turned 31 a few months ago. I think what makes it so hard for me right now is that he got a big bonus and I know he''s been told a big raise is coming this year too. So financially he''s more ready now than he has ever been before.

I know I need to be there for my family right now, and I fully intend to do that. I also know the way my mom is, and us getting engaged would probably hep her right now. She''s been praying for one of her kids to get married for the last 10 years at least. So I know it would give her something fun to look forward to. Of course, her excitement would just be icing on the cake.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 3/18/2008 10:51:21 PM
Author: KCCutie
I also know the way my mom is, and us getting engaged would probably hep her right now. She''s been praying for one of her kids to get married for the last 10 years at least. So I know it would give her something fun to look forward to. Of course, her excitement would just be icing on the cake.

KC, after reading this I had to say PLEASE! Dont say this to your BF...It''s fine to say it here, but if you bring your family into this talk it''s going to probably not sit well with him...And you already know (I can tell by your other posts) that what your family wants isn''t a good reason to get engaged...I could see this as really putting a lot of pressure, guilt, etc. onto your BF and you probably dont want to do that right now. Just let this be for a bit, and take care of yourself right now...

 

[KCCutie]

Date: 3/18/2008 11:02:24 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 3/18/2008 10:51:21 PM
Author: KCCutie
I also know the way my mom is, and us getting engaged would probably hep her right now. She''s been praying for one of her kids to get married for the last 10 years at least. So I know it would give her something fun to look forward to. Of course, her excitement would just be icing on the cake.

KC, after reading this I had to say PLEASE! Dont say this to your BF...It''s fine to say it here, but if you bring your family into this talk it''s going to probably not sit well with him...And you already know (I can tell by your other posts) that what your family wants isn''t a good reason to get engaged...I could see this as really putting a lot of pressure, guilt, etc. onto your BF and you probably dont want to do that right now. Just let this be for a bit, and take care of yourself right now...

Oh of course! I''m always spouting off things to one person or group knowing all the time it''s not something that should be said to to anyone else. He already knows my mom would be happy if we got engaged b/c she''s not shy about hinting with him around, and his mom is the same way. But, Absolutely not one word of that would ever end up in a conversation with E, I feel better having gotten it all out here. That''s what I love about PS when I get a crazy urge or a hairbrianed idea you ladies are always here to bring me back to my senses and I appreciate it!

I''m going to try very hard to just relax for a while and enoy our relationship, time with my family, and my new car (I bought a new Rouge last week and it''s awesome!)....yeah you''d think with all the excitement I wouldn''t have time to worry about an engagement....I guess I''m just an over achiever.

 

[LaraOnline]

I can see what Surfgirl is saying, people are very independent today, and don''t like being told what ''to do'', especially by family. Even if your family are motivated wholely and solely by their love for you, and what they see as your best interests.

Really, I''m so retro, but I feel tired of seeing women being placed in a situation where they have to bring up marriage themselves. What happened to a gentlemanly awareness of a woman''s situation? As your nearest and dearest, he already should know whether you want to have a family life or not.

Perhaps your man is actually planning to marry you, but feels he should wait for everything to quieten down first.

So, when the time is just right and the words pop in your mouth, let them out! Approach the topic with a light, happy touch, and good humour, and see how you go. He might even propose on the spot, if you''re on the same page! Happened to me!

Good Luck!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 3/18/2008 11:22:10 PM
Author: KCCutie

I''m going to try very hard to just relax for a while and enoy our relationship, time with my family, and my new car (I bought a new Rouge last week and it''s awesome!)....yeah you''d think with all the excitement I wouldn''t have time to worry about an engagement....I guess I''m just an over achiever.

I don''t think this is very unusual at all. I know when I have a lot of things going on, especially things related to my family, the fact that I am still waiting for an engagement creeps into my head. I think it''s perfectly natural to have the two intertwined in some way. When I feel my LIW anxiety building I try and give myself a week to sort through it all. Suprisingly, once I recognize what else is happening around me and have a good chat with one of my girlfriends who truly understands where I am coming from, I find that a lot of the LIWitis subsides. Frequently, I misplace my worries and concerns.

I hope your mother has a speedy recovery!

 

[KCCutie]

Lara - Thanks that makes me feel much better. He does know that I want to be married and have a family and he wants it too it''s just a matter of being ready for it. I really should give this some time so that I''m not so anxious and then then next time the words are on the tip of my tongue just get them out in an upbeat positive sort of way.

Keepingthefaith21 - Thanks for making me see that I''m not the only one who acts like this and that I just need some time and a long talk with some friends to get it out of my system, so that when I do have this talk I''m not all worked up about it. Also thanks so much for your well wishes. My mother is already doing much better. Unfortunately she still has a long road ahead of her, but at least the surgery part is done.

It''s official my life is out of control....at least more than I would like. I had a dream last night about tornadoes (big ones too) and for me that''s a dead give away that I feel like things in my life have escaped my control. I don''t feel like I want to be in "control" of when I get engaged but I think I would feel better once I have a good idea what to expect. I''m going up to E''s place to night with my doggie to spend some time with him but I think I still need to give this a little more time so mums the word.....unless of course he brings it up.

 

[tberube]

It''s so tough being caught between the pressure your friends/family/bio clock gives you to get married, and the unpreparedness of your boyfriend. Way too many women have to deal with this, and it really sucks. It''s hard to catch a break when you''re in that situation, and I just wanted to respond to let you know I totally get it. Just remember that half of what matters in the relationship is you, and what you want...the relationship doesn''t just have to look after what he wants. Good luck having the talk.

 

[lliang_chi]

KC,

Glad to hear your mom''s doing well. Hope she continues to do so.

Re: what you said about how to bring the subject up... Unfortunately there''s no way to do it elegantly. Your S.O. sounds like a real great guy. I''m sure if you were to (very bluntly) say something like "I''ve been thinking a lot about our future together and getting engaged..." he wouldn''t freak out. I mean, you''ve already kinda sorta did the partial discussions already, right?

You sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders so I think, when you feel okay about all your emotional situation, you should just bite the bullet and go for it. It''s not a nonchalant way to bring it up, but really there''s no way to do it. And I''m sure your guy also finds it awkward to just blurt it out too, so you''re kinda doing him a favor, right? (just another thing to help you rationalize it)

And don''t feel like your life is out of control, just look at it as bumpy. Your mom''s doing better and you and your boyfriend already know how you feel about a future together. Chin up, the tornadoes can just your anxiety, not necessarily you losing grip on anything.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 3/19/2008 9:26:37 AM
Author: KCCutie
Lara - Thanks that makes me feel much better. He does know that I want to be married and have a family and he wants it too it''s just a matter of being ready for it. I really should give this some time so that I''m not so anxious and then then next time the words are on the tip of my tongue just get them out in an upbeat positive sort of way.

Keepingthefaith21 - Thanks for making me see that I''m not the only one who acts like this and that I just need some time and a long talk with some friends to get it out of my system, so that when I do have this talk I''m not all worked up about it. Also thanks so much for your well wishes. My mother is already doing much better. Unfortunately she still has a long road ahead of her, but at least the surgery part is done.

It''s official my life is out of control....at least more than I would like. I had a dream last night about tornadoes (big ones too) and for me that''s a dead give away that I feel like things in my life have escaped my control. I don''t feel like I want to be in ''control'' of when I get engaged but I think I would feel better once I have a good idea what to expect. I''m going up to E''s place to night with my doggie to spend some time with him but I think I still need to give this a little more time so mums the word.....unless of course he brings it up.

I''m glad your mother is doing better. I will continue to keep her in my thoughts and prayers.