Need some perspective...dieting friend at a dinner party

[Sabine]

If you were having a dinner party and knew one of the guests was trying to diet, would you take that into consideration in terms of what you cooked as the main dish?

And if you didn''t take it into consideration, would you be offended if said friend came to the dinner party and sat down to dinner, but didn''t eat?

I had some friends and their families over for dinner this weekend, and I made stuffed shells, veggies sauteed in garlic oil, salad, rolls, appetizers, and dessert. I didn''t really worry about my dieting friend since I didn''t think anything other than a pasta dish would be doable for the number of people, plus there were kids eating and I knew they''d eat pasta.

So my friend sat down to dinner, and took some salad without dressing and a few of the veggies. I think she ate a few bites of salad and she fed the veggies to her ds from her plate even though he had his own plate.

As soon as she left, another one of my friends was talking to me about this girl''s insane dieting. Granted, the dieting friend isn''t that great of a friend (she''s the girl who had the surprise super hero 30th bday party for her dh if you recall that post...) so now I''m wondering if I was quick to gossip about how rude it was of her to not even eat (not to mention ridiculous, a few bites of plain salad is not a healthy way to diet) because I''m used to being a bit judgey when it comes to her, or if this really was rude.

 

[Puppmom]

I wouldn''t be offended at all. As someone who has dieted in the past, you get used to fending for yourself. Often, I would eat in advance of events like a dinner party so I wasn''t set up for failure. She may have eaten some salad just to be polite.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/10/2010 1:13:55 PM
Author:Sabine
If you were having a dinner party and knew one of the guests was trying to diet, would you take that into consideration in terms of what you cooked as the main dish?


And if you didn't take it into consideration, would you be offended if said friend came to the dinner party and sat down to dinner, but didn't eat?


I had some friends and their families over for dinner this weekend, and I made stuffed shells, veggies sauteed in garlic oil, salad, rolls, appetizers, and dessert. I didn't really worry about my dieting friend since I didn't think anything other than a pasta dish would be doable for the number of people, plus there were kids eating and I knew they'd eat pasta.


So my friend sat down to dinner, and took some salad without dressing and a few of the veggies. I think she ate a few bites of salad and she fed the veggies to her ds from her plate even though he had his own plate.


As soon as she left, another one of my friends was talking to me about this girl's insane dieting. Granted, the dieting friend isn't that great of a friend (she's the girl who had the surprise super hero 30th bday party for her dh if you recall that post...) so now I'm wondering if I was quick to gossip about how rude it was of her to not even eat (not to mention ridiculous, a few bites of plain salad is not a healthy way to diet) because I'm used to being a bit judgey when it comes to her, or if this really was rude.

If you knew she had a diet plan, and you were hosting a small dinner party, I do think it would have been considerate to discuss with her what she may be able to eat or not. That being said, I don't think it was wrong of you to offer what you did - there were choices there for her (salad, veggies, etc) and I am sure she did not expect any extreme measures for her.

No, she was not rude to eat what she did (or didn't) and I would not consider it rude. It is her body, and she can choose what she eats whether it is agreeable to you or not, quite frankly. I am a former vegetarian/vegan and there were plenty of times I only ate veggies and salad at functions as that was what was available for me and what I liked...I also eat healthy so if the only vegetarian option was really rich, I would just decline and stick to my veggies! Even now, I still eat healthy, and will decline some foods I consider very rich (or just not to my liking).

What I always found rude is people who try to continuously get me to go against my own eating preferences and not respect my choices.

Yes, it was rude to gossip about what she ate or how she ate. Her diet is none of your business. You have no idea what else she ate, or did not eat that day, or what is going on. If you have healthy concerns about HER eating habits than you talk to HER directly.

 

[Allison D.]

Honestly, no....I don't think it was rude of her to abstain from the pasta. I can totally understand why your main dish made sense, but I can also understand her choice to abstain from that which she might have trouble limiting.

It's not as important whether or not folks agree with her choices re: how much/what to eat, but it is important to respect her right to make those choices.

I'd be disappointed and likely hurt if I learned that people I considered friends had discussed/dissed my eating choices after I left the party.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

For all you know, she may have followed the recomendations of many dieting sights, that suggesting eating before going to a party/event to avoid breaking dieting rules. Cut her some slack.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

It's frustrating to put time, money and love into preparing a meal that someone doesn't appreciate. However, if you're worried about your health and need to lose weight, it's also frustrating to go off-plan without wanting to. Heck, it's hard enough when you are in control.

I've had to lose weight for health reasons in the past and got something akin to a feeling of panic when faced with a lovingly home cooked meal laden with calories. It wasn't about vanity (which I have little sympathy for, to be honest). It was because I knew that the food was going to do harm, however delicious and carefully prepared it might have been.

If I was faced with food I didn't feel comfortable eating, I would try very hard to make sure no one noticed. It isn't always possible, but I would be as discrete as possible about what I did or did not eat, to avoid offending a host. I've come home with things stuffed into a purse, pockets and DH rather than offend someone who had gone to the trouble of preparing a meal for me.

When I cook for friends, if I don't know them well, I ask if they have any preferences and ask for any dislikes and if they prefer vegetarian, low fat, dairy free or anything else specific. I try to make things that you can load up or skinny down according to preference, with sidedishes rather than putting portions on plates. In the situation you describe, a pasta dish doesn't sound unreasonable at all, but if it turned out to be off someone's food-list, then there was salad - fine! If she wants plain salad, that's fine too. You offered a selection of dishes, she selected one.

I know what you mean, though. It sounds annoying, even having been there myself.LOL

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 5/10/2010 1:21:55 PM
Author: RaiKai


No, she was not rude to eat what she did (or didn't) and I would not consider it rude. It is her body, and she can choose what she eats whether it is agreeable to you or not, quite frankly. I am a former vegetarian/vegan and there were plenty of times I only ate veggies and salad at functions as that was what was available for me!

Just to add: I cannot eat dairy or eggs and there have been MANY occasions where I've not eaten AT ALL at a function because only pizza was served. When I order pizza at home, I scrap the cheese off and eat the crust (yeah, that's super weird, but I love the taste of the crust), but cannot do that out in public. lol There have been at least 5 family events where all they had was pizza and beer, so I'd drink beer for lunch/dinner. Wonder what they were thinking about THAT!

(Plus, I keep snacks in my purse. . .granola bar and beer).

 

[geckodani]

As someone that struggles with weight, I don''t think it was rude of her to just eat salad. As others have said, she may have eaten beforehand as well. It''s really, really hard a lot of times to stay on target when you haven''t prepared the meal. Honestly, I''m kinda proud of her for just having a salad, since I would have been all over that pasta!

 

[mrscushion]

No, I don't think it was rude of you to prepare the dishes you did. Likewise, I don't think it was rude of her not to eat much. It's hard to keep a diet, and like others have pointed out, she may have eaten beforehand, as is often recommended by dieting guidebooks.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

You were not rude for the meal you prepared, and she was not rude for choosing not to eat it. A social gathering is about the company, not cleaning your plate. The only rude thing in this situation was gossiping about her after she left - people have enough problems without also having to worry about other women judging what they choose to eat for one meal.

 

[Sabine]

Date: 5/10/2010 1:24:24 PM
Author: MC
For all you know, she may have followed the recomendations of many dieting sights, that suggesting eating before going to a party/event to avoid breaking dieting rules. Cut her some slack.

See, this must be why all my diets ultimately fail...I always make exceptions for special occasions, and there seems to be at least one special occasion a week!

And I know it''s wrong to gossip about her and her dieting habits, etc. This is not a girl I would choose to be friends with under ordinary circumstances, and I''ll only be in contact with her for another 2 months. Not an excuse, I know, but I just can''t seem to help myself. Hmmm...lack of willpower, probably another reason my diets never work!

I definitely won''t hold the not eating against her anymore though!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I don''t think you are obligated to cook for her (though it would have been considerate to consider her), but I definitely don''t think she''s obligated to eat for you. So no, if she doesn''t want to eat it she shouldn''t be considered rude for it.

 

[Haven]

I don''t think you were rude to serve what you originally planned to serve. I do think it was rude to scrutinize what she ate and to discuss it with another friend after she left, though.

We socialize very frequently with DH''s first cousin and his wife. His wife is an extremely picky eater, so whenever they''re coming for dinner or to a party at our home I make sure to make a few sides that I know she''ll eat. I don''t provide mains to accommodate her, though, but that''s because she doesn''t eat much that would be suitable for a main, anyway!

My family has all kinds of *special* eaters--ovo lacto vegetarians, lacto vegetarians, vegans--so I''m used to accommodating a variety of special food needs.

I don''t think it''s rude to not accommodate special food needs, though. People certainly shouldn''t expect a hostess to make a special meal just for them if they''re on a strict diet.

 

[elrohwen]

I wouldn't be offended, nor would I change my meal plan. Though it sounds like what this girl is doing is far more than normal "dieting" and more like starving herself. In that case, nothing you could have offered, unless it was plain lettuce with celery on the side, would have been part of her meal plan

eta: Maybe I came off as a jerk, and maybe she did eat before she came, but honestly, who goes to a *dinner* party and eats before hand? I get it if it's a normal party with some appetizers and finger foods sitting out (in which case nobody would know what you did or didn't eat). However, I think it's a bit strange to go to a dinner party and eat nothing but lettuce (and it sounds like she didn't eat much of that) because you already ate. Not that I would be offended if she did that at my house, but I would find it odd and probably discuss it with DH later.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 5/10/2010 1:13:55 PM
Author:Sabine

As soon as she left, another one of my friends was talking to me about this girl''s insane dieting. Granted, the dieting friend isn''t that great of a friend (she''s the girl who had the surprise super hero 30th bday party for her dh if you recall that post...) so now I''m wondering if I was quick to gossip about how rude it was of her to not even eat (not to mention ridiculous, a few bites of plain salad is not a healthy way to diet) because I''m used to being a bit judgey when it comes to her, or if this really was rude.

HI:

Too much gossiping and judging and not enough compassion. Seems as though you answered your own question.

 

[kenny]

I wish everyone could just be real, authentic and honest.
The hell with etiquette.

There is something wonky about worrying about what is rude.
If everyone was welcome to be real, authentic and honest rudeness would vanish.

I think we can trust out friends.
I doubt if people were free to not worry about rules they'd show up naked or not bother going to bathroom to relieve themselves.
I trust that people are good and things will be just fine.

When I have an event and people ask what the dress is, I tell them dress in what you are comfortable in.
I don't care if one guest is in flip flops and a tank top and another is in a tux, no problem.

BTW I never eat salad dressing and tell the host this when I'm invited.
If there is already dressing on the salad I just don't take any, no biggie.
Who cares?
If someone notices and talks about me, so what?

Proper people who live under all the rules know better than to invite me to anything, no problem.

 

[sparklyheart]

You obviously care a little bit about the girl and the situation because you are asking. As someone who has dieted and also seems to have a special occasion at least once a week, I sometimes eat beforehand so that I don''t have to miss out on the opportunity to see friends. I know you worked hard to cook but you knew ahead of time that she was dieting.. I think expecting her to eat your meal that you even said was not necessarily made with her diet in mind is a little much. I don''t think you were wrong to mak your meal without her diet in mind.. Especially since you didn''t know what it was. Yes, you could have called and asked her but it''s your house, your meal.. and she''s not really that good of a friend.. I could go on and on.. but one thing to remember diets are a very personal thing that you have to take control over yourself so I''m sure not eating your pasta was her way of taking control. I''m sure it killed her inside to not be able to eat your yummy pasta.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/10/2010 9:02:53 PM
Author: Haven
I don''t think you were rude to serve what you originally planned to serve. I do think it was rude to scrutinize what she ate and to discuss it with another friend after she left, though.

We socialize very frequently with DH''s first cousin and his wife. His wife is an extremely picky eater, so whenever they''re coming for dinner or to a party at our home I make sure to make a few sides that I know she''ll eat. I don''t provide mains to accommodate her, though, but that''s because she doesn''t eat much that would be suitable for a main, anyway!

My family has all kinds of *special* eaters--ovo lacto vegetarians, lacto vegetarians, vegans--so I''m used to accommodating a variety of special food needs.

I don''t think it''s rude to not accommodate special food needs, though. People certainly shouldn''t expect a hostess to make a special meal just for them if they''re on a strict diet.

Ditto.

But will say you aren''t to blame here either. Yeah you talked about her... But you were upset, and I can totally see that. I think she did what she had to do, at least she ate something...
Gosh ya can''t please everyone..

We just had a large party 200, that we threw with our great friends. Lisa and I ( yes she''s a Lisa too) sat down going over the food that would be passed. I was mindful of friends who have shell fish allergies, and wanted to make sure if there was a raw bar, the passed food wouldn''t have any shellfish...

And those that don''t eat meat....

I tell you entertaining these days is getting harder and harder!!!!

Don''t beat yourself up sweetie!!!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I think it was fine for her to eat what she wanted, i wouldn''t judge her for that--though if you are worried about her dieting in general that is another story--but I also would not have taken her diet into consideration.

If I know someone has allergies that are severe or serious food preferences I''ll try to accommodate that, but by the same token, if people have those challenges then they are usually good at making sure they have something to eat even if that means they need to come prepared.

Oy MC< beer for lunch

 

[marcy]

You have every right to fix what you want but as the hostess I would try to make everyone feel comfortable and not expect them to eat something they did not want. If I knew one of my guests was dieting or had special food requirements I would ask them ahead of time what kind of food they can eat and try to accommodate them.

As a dieter with many food allergies I often find myself in situations where I cannot eat what is being served. I am generally not shy about asking the hostess ahead of time what their menu is due to that fact some foods can make me very ill. That way I can plan ahead. If they are offended by that; they aren''t very understanding friends. I might eat something before I go, take something for everyone that I can eat or eat a small amount of something and spend my time having fun. I find taking a tray of raw veggies and some baked lays is quite popular at a party.

 

[junebug17]

I guess I''m in the minority on this one, but I think it''s a little rude to accept an invitation to dinner and then not eat anything. Yes, I know she ate a bit of salad and veggies, but it sounds like she barely ate that. I guess I just look at this a little differently. If I''m dieting and was invited to dinner, I''d adjust my caloric intake for that day so that I could eat a stuffed shell without blowing my diet. Food allergies is obviously a different story, I would never expect anyone to eat something that''s going to make them ill, and if I knew in advance someone had allergies of course as a hostess I''d plan for that. I don''t know, I don''t blame you for feeling a bit miffed, I think I would too, even though I understand the argument that a person doesn''t "have" to eat anything she doesn''t want to. And I don''t think you should beat yourself up over saying something about it to others. You were upset and vented a little. Yes, in hindsight it''s not nice to talk about others, but let''s face it, we''re human and it happens from time to time.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Junebug - do you think that dinner parties are more about food or getting people together?

One person may be able to adjust caloric intake, but others are not as restrained or savvy... Who cares if she didn''t eat pasta - seriously lol

BTW - having been in the hot seat before I want the OP to know that while there may be many critical responses, I seriously doubt any of us look down on her for how she feels. We are picking apart ideas and thoughts - not you. At least I speak for myself

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 5/11/2010 9:37:10 AM
Author: junebug17
I guess I'm in the minority on this one, but I think it's a little rude to accept an invitation to dinner and then not eat anything. Yes, I know she ate a bit of salad and veggies, but it sounds like she barely ate that. I guess I just look at this a little differently. If I'm dieting and was invited to dinner, I'd adjust my caloric intake for that day so that I could eat a stuffed shell without blowing my diet. Food allergies is obviously a different story, I would never expect anyone to eat something that's going to make them ill, and if I knew in advance someone had allergies of course as a hostess I'd plan for that. I don't know, I don't blame you for feeling a bit miffed, I think I would too, even though I understand the argument that a person doesn't 'have' to eat anything she doesn't want to. And I don't think you should beat yourself up over saying something about it to others. You were upset and vented a little. Yes, in hindsight it's not nice to talk about others, but let's face it, we're human and it happens from time to time.

Ditto every word. It's one thing to only eat the things you're not allergic to, or limit your calorie intake, but eating only a few bites of lettuce? That's just odd. Why would you accept a *dinner* invitation if you can't eat anything? I would think it was odd and probably discuss with a friend or DH later - I think it's just human nature.

 

[JulieN]

Hostess: make menu as planned. Don''t be offended by what the dieter doesn''t eat.

Dieting guest: attend party and be fun. Don''t be offended by not having been offered anything different.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/11/2010 10:57:40 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
BTW - having been in the hot seat before I want the OP to know that while there may be many critical responses, I seriously doubt any of us look down on her for how she feels. We are picking apart ideas and thoughts - not you. At least I speak for myself

I wanted to agree with this. I said that I thought it was rude to gossip about your friend *because* you asked whether it was rude. HOWEVER, I think it''s very kind of you to even worry about it, and I certainly don''t think *you* are rude, Sabine. Quite the contrary, actually.

As for whether a guest should eat the food being served regardless of her dietary preferences, I would *hate* to think that someone ate something in my home that they didn''t want to eat *just* to make me happy as the hostess.

I think you really can''t please everyone with food. I''ve hosted so many parties in our home, and I always try very hard to consider everyone''s food needs, and I usually find that I overlooked *something* anyway.

And besides, I always figure if I have enough alcohol and chocolate available, EVERYONE will be happy in the end.

 

[soocool]

I have a stack of friends who are picky eaters, but I am not going to let that determine what I serve up at my parties. I tell them what I am serving way ahead of time, but then I do have a wide variety of food that they are bound to eat something. I always have a veggie platter with low or non fat dressings on hand. I will listen to those who have food allergies and stay away from serving anything that contains something they are allergic to. I do have one friend who has celiac disease plus she is vegan. She is fine with bringing her own food.

ETA: I just wanted to add that I have one friend, God bless her, who cannot cook. She always wants to try something new when someone comes over and I am hoping that some day soon she'll make something that is actually edible. So I normally will eat in advance and just eat something like salad, veggies, that I know she couldn't ruin. She knows she is a bad cook and always apologizes, but thinks that perhaps someday she'll succeed. We love her anyway because she is so funny. That makes up for the lack of cooking skills.

 

[icekid]

Date: 5/10/2010 9:02:53 PM
Author: Haven
I don''t think you were rude to serve what you originally planned to serve. I do think it was rude to scrutinize what she ate and to discuss it with another friend after she left, though.

Ditto above the always eloquent Haven. Why are her eating habits insane because they are different from yours? As a health-nut, I am kind of offended myself!

I''m rather picky about what I choose to put in my body. Likely, were I your guest, I would have done the same as she did! I don''t particularly care for pasta anyway, so can''t see making a diet "exception" to my no white flour rule for something that does not appeal to me anyway. Maybe my friends talk about my somewhat over the top healthy eating habits, but I''m the only one who has to live in my body!

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/11/2010 12:15:14 PM
Author: icekid

Date: 5/10/2010 9:02:53 PM

Author: Haven

I don''t think you were rude to serve what you originally planned to serve. I do think it was rude to scrutinize what she ate and to discuss it with another friend after she left, though.

Ditto above the always eloquent Haven. Why are her eating habits insane because they are different from yours? As a health-nut, I am kind of offended myself!


I''m rather picky about what I choose to put in my body. Likely, were I your guest, I would have done the same as she did! I don''t particularly care for pasta anyway, so can''t see making a diet ''exception'' to my no white flour rule for something that does not appeal to me anyway. Maybe my friends talk about my somewhat over the top healthy eating habits, but I''m the only one who has to live in my body!

Yup, I am similar.

I go to dinner parties for the conversation, the people and so on. The food is more of an afterthought.

While I don''t think I am over the top about my eating habits (I have a penchant for ice cream for example - fortunately I run 6 miles a day!) I do eat fairly healthy and I am rather picky for the most part about what I put into my body. There are both health reasons for this...and my own particular eccentricities which I will not get into. In any case, that is my business. I tend to also have a sensitive stomach for some foods (i.e. rich cream sauces, cheeses, many salad dressings, etc) so tend to avoid them altogether. It is not a personal slight against the host or her cooking skills!

I probably would have had the salad and veggies too. Maybe with a bit of dressing depending on what it was on the side. I don''t have a "white flour" rule all across the board as it depends on the situation, but I don''t particularly like pasta!

To me it is no different to respect someone''s personal preferences for their daily diet, than it is to respect their choices due to allergies and so on. I find it rather bizarre when people try to push their own food preferences onto me - and sometimes their own food!

Every place I have ever worked has warned me about the pounds one puts on there when working due to all the goodies around the office. I have never had this problem, much to some of their chagrin apparently. Admittedly there are always goodies around, but food pressure is not pressure I succumb to. And I don''t care what others think about it. There certainly have been comments about it in some of the places I worked which I found incredibly rude and distasteful. It''s not like I criticized others because they DID eat the cake, you know? Yet I would hear comments about me as I did NOT eat the cake?

 

[Dreamer_D]

I would not accommodate and I would not be offended if she chose not to eat. But I would think she was being silly

 

[packrat]

I maybe would''ve asked my friend, upon noticing that she''d only eaten a couple bites of salad, if there was something else I could get for her. I wouldn''t make a big production out of it, hollering across the table "Jeez does my food suck or what?" I''d just quietly ask if she wanted me to get her something else.

When we would have people over, if my brother was leaning down for one of his bodybuilding contests, he would bring his own chicken and rice or whatever worked w/his diet. That way, he was still sitting down to eat with us, and we weren''t making different meals for every person. He did it one time where he ate ahead of time b/c he couldn''t eat what we were having. He sat there and talked and we had a good time but he was basically like "This blows", so we told him to bring his stuff next time and we''d cook it.

If it were me going to a dinner and trying to lose a few pounds, I''d say something to the hostess like, "I hope it''s not a problem, I''m on a strict diet, so I ate before I came. The food looks/smells great and once I lose these last X pounds I''d love to do another dinner"-or something like that. Make a joke about looking forward to hitting goal weight so I could eat "real" food again. Whatever. At least that way nobody''s thinking I''m anorexic or not eating b/c the food is bad. And that''s a good time to suggest what we do w/my brother-bring what you can eat next time and I''ll cook it.