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Need some help :-) LONG!

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cellososweet

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 12, 2006
Messages
876
Hi everyone :)
I haven''t been around for a bit but I need some advice. We had planned a wedding for summer of this year. My parents and us were going about 75%/25% on the cost. His parents were not contributing at all due to racism and disapproval. Well. . . . late last year, we found out that my dad lost his job. He told us to keep up with the wedding planning while he looked for a job. He felt confident that he would find something. Well. . . he is nearly 60 and is an engineer. He''s a super specific type, of engineer, so the job market is pretty slim. He thought he would have a better chance because of his experience, but most people didn''t want to hire him I think because of his age and his health (he had just gotten over cancer when he returned to work and was immediately [the very next day in fact] laid off). I think they saw him as too much of a risk. And I don''t blame them. Poor Dad. He has tons of Dr.s appointments and long lasting side effects. So. . . anyways. . .three months later and he still hadn''t found a job. We decided to call off the wedding because we couldn''t think of taking money from them at such a time. They got so tight on money so I decided to help them a little. Well. . . we realized that they wouldn''t be able to afford a wedding any time soon, and neither would we because we gave them our share. So. . we decided to go to the JOP and make it legal. We both really wanted the wedding, but we both wanted to be married more than we wanted to kill my parents and ourselves financially.

So. . we''re married :)

Two weeks later my Dad gets this fantastic job (it''s been three months now) and me and my husband fall into some money (pretty substantial). I know I know. . if we weren''t so impatient, we could have had the wedding. *sigh* hindsight is 20/20 always huh? But. . .we had been engaged for a year and had to cancel the wedding twice (the other time we cancelled was because my dad lied about how much he could contribute), and we were so over the ups and downs that the planning had endured, that we just decided to make it legal. . .anyways. . .

so. . . my mom is really upset. She was very supportive of the JOP idea since she knew we wanted to be married. But. . she feels like she failed me (i told her not to be ridiculous.) my dad basically feels the same way (told him not be ridiculous too). my husband feels that he failed me (more with the ridiculousness :-]). and i feel like i failed him and my parents (they will never get to experience a wedding). so basically. . .we''re all upset because we all want a wedding but couldn''t make it happen financially.

so. . . we want to have some type of ceremony and reception next year.

My questions are a bit vague. . .basically i need help knowing what is proper for this?

Only a few people know we actually married (basically family). I don''t know if that changes things. . . .

The reception is easy. . it''s just a party :) we''ve had friends who were married in the JOP and then had a reception later. That part is easy.

But what about the ceremony? We''re already married. . .so. . . do we "pretend" we aren''t married ceremony-wise ( like. . do you take this woman to be your wife?)? Do we do it as a vow-renewal? If we do it as a vow-renewal, can we shape it like a wedding (dress, flowers, etc)? I don''t want attendants. . but. . is it weird to have my dad walk me down the aisle? (he really wants to do this! it''s his fatherly duty and he feels like he''s missed out ). can i wear white? it''s not going to be extravagantly weddingish a la platinum weddings haha. simple at best :)

lord. . hahaha. . this is so long winded. . .

part of me wants to be like, "to hell with etiquette! i''ll wear what i want and do what i want!"
the other part of me was raised in virginia by a father who is from tennessee and is ms. manners and wants to make sure that i do this "correctly"

have i lost my chance at a wedding?

any advice is more than helpful :) also. . if you need more info before you answer. . .please ask. if i wasn''t specific, please ask me questions. I really need solid advice and i want to help as much as possible to get it.

thanks girls :)
 

bronniejade

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 31, 2007
Messages
123
That''s quite a situation.
Your fiance and you were both very supportive and understanding of your parents by going to a JOP, in my opinion.

I was giving your question some thought, and I think a renewal of your vows would be lovely.
Your father could still walk you down the aisle. It would be sweet. :)
And you could make it as wedding-ish as you want, with flowers and a dress. If you don''t want to wear white, you could always wear ivory.

You could even have just a simple, small ceremony...maybe in a beautiful park/botanical gardens, which would be a little more laid back.

It''s your day! Have fun with it!
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
DH and I had something kind of like this where we got married first and had a ceremony later. We had a whole fiasco with his discharge, and then when it didn''t turn out the way we planned, it was too late to apply for leave again (they lost his first leave chit that he submitted at the beginning of the year). So anyway, we got married on the beach by our house with just a few friends, and went back to our hometown across country and had a ceremony. Now, we could have waited and had the actual wedding a month later than we had originally planned, and been patient like you said, but we weren''t going to let the Navy dictate when and where and how we could get married, so we did it on the date we wanted anyway.

If you want to plan another ceremony it''s totally doable. More people knew that we had a ceremony out here, but I think it''s fine if you don''t want tons of people to know you already got married. In our case we went ahead and did a completely normal ceremony and reception, and just didn''t include signing the marriage license, as we had done that at our original wedding. But since you are planning something for NEXT year, I would do a vow renewal on your anniversary. That way, by then more people will know that you got married and it won''t be awkward for you at all, and you can commemorate your anniversary into the renewal ceremony. And you could write your own vows if you wanted so it would be a little more individualized. I think the most important thing is to do what YOU want. There are a lot of people who don''t originally get married with the fanciful wedding but they do it later on the way that they want to, and I think that''s what you should do to. Everyone deserves to have the ceremony they always dreamed of, even if it is a bit late, haha. Good luck!!

*M*
 

cpster

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 1, 2005
Messages
540
Congratulations and I''m that your dad has found a job. I think a vow renewal ceremony would be fabulous and absolutely think you should wear a wedding gown if that''s what you want. I hope your in-laws will come around in time to share in the joy. Now that you''re married, I hope they realize how stupid they are being and give you a chance.
 

jaz464

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 11, 2005
Messages
2,022
I really can''t see going with the ''pretend we aren''t married idea.'' Seems dishonest and kind of silly. Weddings are kind of a sacred thing (at least in my mind) so having your guests believe that you two are not already married just rubs me the wrong way. A vow renewel is great if that is what you and your family want. If it were me, I would throw a big reception with lots of food, music, wine, whatever. Get a lovely dress in whatever color you want. Since you''re already married, I think spending the money for a church, extravagent wedding dress, etc seems like kind of a waste. I would put it toward a down payment on a house, new car, whatever you two need. Just have the bash to celebrate your new marriage and your dad making beating cancer.
 

neatfreak

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14,167
Certainly do a vow renewal, and I don''t see why you can''t do everything else like a traditional wedding either. It''s your day and do what you want to do!!! Wear white, have your dad walk you down the aisle, everything you want. No one should question it and if they do, then they shouldn''t come.

But I agree, don''t be dishonest about being married already.

Best of luck!!!
 

cellososweet

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 12, 2006
Messages
876
hi everyone :) thanks for your advice. :) about the "pretend we aren''t married yet thing". . .i guess i worded that wrong *doh*

what i meant is. . .do we use a vow renewal type of ceremony? (i love you still. . i''m still happy to be your wife. . .being with you makes me realize how wonderful life is. . mushy mushy doo da). . . or do we use something more traditional?

i think i asked the question because the majority of people won''t know that we are married. so would it be weird/awkward to do a renewal? Would we have so ''splainin to do to everyone who attends?. . . will people feel dupped thinking it''s a wedding when it''s a vow renewal (because they might not know we''re married. . .so obviously they would think it''s a "wedding") does this make sense?

i guess i just meant. . .how do we structure it so people aren''t confused? obviously our invitation can''t be as lengthy in explanation as my post (nobody would come hahahaha. . they''d be intimidated!). . . maybe an explanation on our "wedding website" type of deal would be appropriate to let people know what the actual ceremony and reception is celebrating?

also. . .i contacted the place we originally were going to have the wedding and they said that they would give us a date in 2008 at the 2007 costs that we originally signed for and that we could use our old deposit for it (i know. . .nice people eh?). It''s an outdoor ceremony place and the inside is a cultural center that looks like a huge italian house. . .it''s called the muckenthaler cultural center if anyone is interested . . . . www.socalcatering.com has nice pictures :) So. . we wouldn''t be spending money on a church (because you get the whole place plus the grounds-where the ceremony would be). . . so this seems like a good option. what do you think?

sorry i''m so wordy. . i''m just so excited that i get to have the "wedding" that i thought would never happen. i feel like the luckiest person ever. and. . . the best thing about it. . .is i don''t have all those "am i doing the right thing" jitters that most brides have. i already know i''ve done the right thing (in marrying my DH) and i dont have anywhere near as much of the "stress radar" about the wedding being "perfect" like i did when i was engaged. it''s already perfect. . . i get to celebrate the love between me and my best friend. who gives a crap what the bouqet looks like? or what drinks to serve? or what colors to go with? *sigh* i love him. this whole poo has made us so much stronger. . . .rambling. . .thanks loves. :)
 

jaz464

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 11, 2005
Messages
2,022
You could use invitations that clearly explain it is a vow renewal. Then there would be no question in anyone''s mind.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
I''d do a vow renewal, tailor the vows to your situation (We are recommiting to our marriage in front of family and friends, etc.) and then have a reception. Wear whatever the heck pleases you. Have your dad walk you down the aisle. Enjoy!
 

oshinbreez

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 16, 2006
Messages
1,135
Maybe on the invitations you could put something like being invited to the "wedding we never had" renewal ceremony. That would help explain that it''s the wedding you wanted.
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
everyone''s made great suggestions here, and i agree not to be deceitful, even for legit reasons.

ps did you win the lottery??
 

cellososweet

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 12, 2006
Messages
876
haha. . oh dear. . I wish i had won the lottery. We have some money that we are able to withdraw on now (one of those. . .great interest but can''t touch if for three years deals. . . we''ve been contributing pretty heavily and let''s just say it greeeew). We didn''t have that for the first planning of the wedding. So, that is a perk that this is happening later than expected. We always joked that we wish we could get our hands on that money without penalty. Now we can! :) Also. . our tax return definitely didn''t hurt. it was lovely :)

This is a lesson to everyone. . whoever said that things can always be worse should flip the coin and realize that things could most certainly go up from wherever you are. The fact that my parents are even here to discuss and plan this with is a miracle (mum is a breast cancer survivor, dad- lymphoma survivor). it''s like a celebration of how strong relationships can get you through anything.

thanks a lot again girls for all of your suggestions. my mum will be happy to know that it''s ok to go shopping for a dress. she was all like, "do we not get to go dress shopping since it''s not a "wedding" wedding?" * insert pathetic mother frown here* she''s so funny :)
 
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