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Need some comfort ladies

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
Ok so I am in a bit of a situation.

Our anniversary and my birthday is coming up soon and he keeps asking me what I want. I was hoping deep down somewhere he would propose :( I am not sure what to do. He wants to go shopping today and pick something out for our anniversary. It makes me feel really upset that it isn't on the horizon like he keeps saying :(

What would you do?
 

centralsquare

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 18, 2009
Messages
2,216
I don't think that it means it's not on the horizon. I would let is sit a few days and, when you're not as emotional about it, bring up the future in a very casual way. I think the worst thing you can do is bring emotion and hurt feelings into the mix.
 

MayFlowers

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 13, 2009
Messages
944
If he has said that it is on the horizon, then he might think that you would expect a proposal on your birthday or anniversary. He may be trying to get you to NOT expect it so that it will be a surprise when he proposes. Is the element of surprise important to him? Have you been ring shopping or has he bought a ring yet? If so, he may feel like the surprise element is the only "traditional" part of the proposal left and he may be trying to hold on to that.
 

ABKIS

Shiny_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 8, 2011
Messages
193
I agree with MayFlowers - he may be trying to throw you off because you know it's coming soon. I'd go with the flow on this one. Even if the doesn't propose on your birthday or anniversary, he did say it's on the horizon. I'd try to bring it up casually in a week or so, once you've had a chance to enjoy your birthday/anniversary. Don't over think it, don't over analyze. He loves you and wants to be with you forever, that's all that really matters. I hope it happens sooner rather than later. :bigsmile:

Do you guys have any special plans for your birthday/anniversary?
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,667
Go shopping!!! You might find yourselves wondering towards the wedding ring case!!
 

maebelle

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 28, 2010
Messages
826
I really understand. I'm at the point where if my boyfriend asks me what I want for my birthday I'm going to say:

"Either a watch, let me make some blue zircon martini studs, or a ring"

Just to get the point across
 

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
Thanks ladies for all your kind words.

It is so difficult because we have looked at rings and he knows exactly what I like and he may even have it, I am not sure but he does always talk about having to pay off a few things. We have NO plans for either the anniversary or birthday due to his job we aren't sure whether we will have any time to celebrate :( It is his birthday a week before mine and so we have a lot of celebrations to be had with family so it seems like the perfect time but I really don't know what he is thinking.

I did say to him yesterday when he asked me that he already knows the perfect gift. It just seems like he is stalling. We have been discussing engagement for about a year now seriously. We started looking at rings last year so he has had plenty of time and I just wonder whether he thinks because we have made that step in discussing it and living together etc that he can hold off even longer. It just makes me feel helpless and I think it is unfair because I look desperate and what if he isn't 100% sure :(
 

RebeccaMUA

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 16, 2010
Messages
205
I'm so sorry you feel this way ZKS :(

I know how you feel to an extant as I would have liked the same thing to happen last year at this time (our anniversary is tomorrow).

What I would do if he asks you again what you want is say on of three things:

"I think you know what I REALLY would love, and you could combine birthday AND anniversary together ..."
"I think you know what I REALLY want, but if I HAVE to choose something else I want ..." (At this point you should milk the occasions for all you can!)
"I think you know what I REALLY want, but if you forgot I can show you again"

With either of these scenarios, you are not only kindly reminding him what you want, have been talking about, looked at, etc. for the past year, but you are also letting him know firmly that you aren't going to let him bide his time too much longer.

Best of luck to you, and I am hoping that he really is just trying to throw you off!!
 

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
Thanks Rebecca. It is so difficult because every time I bright it up (which isn't too often) he seems to turn a bit sour on it like the more I ask the more likely he is to wait.
 

aliceinwonderland

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
112
I feel your pain! I don't have words of wisdom about how to move things along. I would say though that you should try to find something about your birthday to feel happy about that might help detract from the potential lack of proposal. I know it's hard to not have a bit of hope that maybe he's just trying to throw you off. I've been through the situation as well where I knew it wasn't going to happen but I couldn't help but hope and it felt pretty terrible when of course it didn't happen. Is there something that you do want besides a ring (by all means make that wish known b/c your feelings are important too)? Perhaps there is something that you could be excited about? I think it's important for him to know how you are feeling about this b/c it sounds like you feel crummy. Approach it as a 'I'm not trying to pressure you but I just need to get these feelings off my chest so I can feel better' conversation. Just like the others have said though make sure you have had some time to calm down about it.

Best of luck and happy early birthday
Alice
 

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
Thanks Alice for your kind words.

The thing is as he has said I have expensive taste and to be perfectly honest I have been very lucky and blessed in that there is nothing I need. It is a difficult situation. I guess I have been feeling this way for a while and there have been many opportunities for it to happen and I thought ok hopefully he is just waiting for my birthday and now that I think he isn't I have fallen flat again :(
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
MayFlowers|1313684011|2993422 said:
If he has said that it is on the horizon, then he might think that you would expect a proposal on your birthday or anniversary. He may be trying to get you to NOT expect it so that it will be a surprise when he proposes. Is the element of surprise important to him? Have you been ring shopping or has he bought a ring yet? If so, he may feel like the surprise element is the only "traditional" part of the proposal left and he may be trying to hold on to that.


My thoughts exactly. Give it a few weeks and then casually bring it up. If you do it now because of all your emotions- it may end up a fight and you don't want to come across as nagging or sagging a proposal out of him.
 

aliceinwonderland

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
112
Big hugs! I know how you feel (been there) and it just bites. No more words of wisdom, just empathy!
Alice
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
Why don't you have a serious conversation with him about when he plans to propose instead of dropping hints? You do have an equal say in this relationship. If I were you, I'd bring it up to him in a calm way and tell him that you need to know a solid timeline for when he is planning to propose, i.e. within the next 6 months, etc.
 

JulieN

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 25, 2005
Messages
13,375
Ask for an expensive present, at least $1000. Either he'll get wise and try to roll your birthday present into your ring. Or you'll get a nice present out of it.
 

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
Thanks ladies.

I did have a huge discussion with him on Saturday and he was very upset that I wanted a timeline. He said "have you ever considered I might be planning something."

I think this is a cop out because he then went onto say that he thought I needed to be happier before he would propose :( This is one thing that is really upsetting me so how can I be completely happy? Am I meant to fake it? I am so confused. He definitely wouldn't give me a timeline.

He also said oh if I can't think of any presents for you maybe I might just do it.... it seems like he thinks it is a joke. He also then went on to say "what will we talk about when we are engaged because that's all we talk about". I think he is irritated that I bring it up but then again if you hadn't gone about it in this manner maybe I wouldn't have had to.
 

aliceinwonderland

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
112
Ugghhh! I totally feel for you!

I think that ultimatums are not a good idea....that being said I think there comes a point where you get tired of waiting. I had a very similar conversation to the one you had Saturday about 4 months ago. I think it's very fair to say to him that this is a joint decision and that he needs to think about when he will be ready. Asking for a timeline is not unrealistic. I think letting him know that you would like to have a serious discussion about this within the next x # of weeks and you would like to set aside a time. That way he knows the conversation is going to happen. I had a similar conversation and I told him that I am not attempting to bully him but that I want to get married and that I needed to know his plans so that I could make mine (which may or may not involve him). I said that I wasn't at the point where I was done waiting but that I could feel that I was approaching a time where I would loose faith that it would happen.

As for his comment that it's 'all you talk about', I think the response to that is I talk about it because it upsets me that I have no clue what is going on in your head. And about planning something my response to that would be that my feelings are being sacrificed at the expense of the surprise which isn't worth it! I would rather have a 'cut off date' so that I could calm down. It's the unknown that is making you insane and therefore unable to talk about anything else!

Alice
 

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
Alice, you just voiced everything I am thinking haha thank you. I am so glad to see I am not alone and insane. I hate that I feel this way and I have told him that. I also said that I wouldn't be so concerned or even bring it up if I wasn't sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He should be flattered haha! (well I am telling myself that).
 

tammy77

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 23, 2011
Messages
1,442
*delurking*

I was in a somewhat similar situation w/my now DH. What worked for us is me saying "I don't need a timeline in the traditional sense of the word with dates of each step along the way, but I DO need an approximate date for the longest it would take."

There is no reason he can't give you this information, unless he just doesn't know yet. If it's something he plans to do on X day in January, he can say "by March" and you can still be completely surprised. I truly do not understand why guys hold a proposal over a woman's head. It's demoralizing. :(sad
 

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
Tammy, thank you those are the exact words that I need for next time.

I don't understand it either. My darling SO is never like this but this one thing is getting him all worked up :(
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
ZKS|1314057147|2996946 said:
Thanks ladies.

I did have a huge discussion with him on Saturday and he was very upset that I wanted a timeline. He said "have you ever considered I might be planning something."

I think this is a cop out because he then went onto say that he thought I needed to be happier before he would propose :( This is one thing that is really upsetting me so how can I be completely happy? Am I meant to fake it? I am so confused. He definitely wouldn't give me a timeline.

He also said oh if I can't think of any presents for you maybe I might just do it.... it seems like he thinks it is a joke. He also then went on to say "what will we talk about when we are engaged because that's all we talk about". I think he is irritated that I bring it up but then again if you hadn't gone about it in this manner maybe I wouldn't have had to.

This is controlling behavior. I personally would be more concerned about his controlling tendencies than about when he's going to propose.

So many posters here have boyfriends who pull the same BS and I will never understand why women are willing to put up with it.
 

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
thanks for your thoughts thing2of2.

It is obviously difficult for me to understand why he does it and yesterday we had a HUGE talk. I really put my foot down about him trying to control and put criteria and checklists on everything and said I see it as a precedent for the rest of our lives together. He got really emotional, and actually opened up a lot which I took as a positive. I hope that it was a sign of him taking it in but only time will tell. I think you are right in saying that this needs to be addressed and I hope that the last couple of large talks we have had will sink in because perhaps when he "decides" it's time I might not be there anymore if this is the way he expects our life to be.
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
ZKS|1314140276|2997782 said:
thanks for your thoughts thing2of2.

It is obviously difficult for me to understand why he does it and yesterday we had a HUGE talk. I really put my foot down about him trying to control and put criteria and checklists on everything and said I see it as a precedent for the rest of our lives together. He got really emotional, and actually opened up a lot which I took as a positive. I hope that it was a sign of him taking it in but only time will tell. I think you are right in saying that this needs to be addressed and I hope that the last couple of large talks we have had will sink in because perhaps when he "decides" it's time I might not be there anymore if this is the way he expects our life to be.

I'm glad you had a good talk, ZKS, and I hope he does take it seriously. I'm glad you weren't offended by my comments, either. Good luck to you and your boyfriend-I hope you have a happy ending! :))
 

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
Thanks so much thing2of2.

Last night I went to a bridal expo as I won tickets. It was so fantastic but all the while I was wishing I was actually engaged. It wasn't weird because I am trying to get into the industry. My boyfriend had no issues with me going so hopefully that is a good sign something is on the horizon.
 

Magpie09

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 1, 2009
Messages
227
ZKS|1314057147|2996946 said:
Thanks ladies.

I did have a huge discussion with him on Saturday and he was very upset that I wanted a timeline. He said "have you ever considered I might be planning something."

I think this is a cop out because he then went onto say that he thought I needed to be happier before he would propose :( This is one thing that is really upsetting me so how can I be completely happy? Am I meant to fake it? I am so confused. He definitely wouldn't give me a timeline.

He also said oh if I can't think of any presents for you maybe I might just do it.... it seems like he thinks it is a joke. He also then went on to say "what will we talk about when we are engaged because that's all we talk about". I think he is irritated that I bring it up but then again if you hadn't gone about it in this manner maybe I wouldn't have had to.

Hi ZKS :wavey:

I'm sorry that things are difficuly at the moment but I thought I'd chime in as I was in a similar situation recently.

I agree with the other ladies who said you should sit him down and explain to him that you need to know an approximate date of either when it will happen or even when it won't happen to put your mind at ease. I found that once I spoke to BF and found out that the proposal wasn't happening this year and next year was probably the year for us to get engaged i was a lot less stressed and anxious. I found the worst part before we spoke about the issue was that I would read into everything and then the disappointment that it didn't happen would set in when he didn't propose.

Just my 2 cents regarding "he thought I needed to be happier before he would propose"- To some men one of the important parts of a relationship is the knowledge that they make their SO happy. Sometimes when I am upset about something my BF feels like he's failing at being a good BF if he can't cheer me up. The issue may not have anything to do with BF but he still feels like he's failing. I think men really need to feel like they are a positive part of our lives and can make us happy to be happy themselves in a relationship (Just my opinion of course). It took many talks with BF for it to sink in that I won't always be happy and that I will get upset at times.

As for the gift part I wouldn't bring up that you would like a ring- you've shown him what you want so now trust that he has it under control. Think of something that you want or ask him to surprise you if you can't think of anything. I know it's difficult at times and you start thinking that it will never happen but remain hopeful that he is planning your dream proposal and everything will work out.
 

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
Thank you so much ladies for your advice. We had another discussion yesterday and he was amazingly open with me and pretty much told me it might be soon and that he had had a plan but because of a few things with family he might bring it forward so that plan is out the window which got me excited because he then told me the original plan was November so looks like it might be sooner :D then he set out to talk about actual dates for the wedding :D I was over the moon. Now won't be speaking about it again because it looks like a proposal around my birthday might actually happen!!!
 

Miss_GG

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 17, 2011
Messages
36
Thats awesome ZKS! You sound a lot calmer now. When is your birthday?

I am in a similar situation and the fact that my best friend got engaged a few months back and talking all about wedding prep etc is making it difficult but at the same time I am little anxious and freaking out lol so poor bf is getting mixed signals so i would feel more comfortable knowing we deal with any issues before getting engaged but god its so hard when others around you getting engaged (another gf is getting married this weekend) ahhh being a woman ahaha! :confused:
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
ZKS|1314579625|3004038 said:
Thank you so much ladies for your advice. We had another discussion yesterday and he was amazingly open with me and pretty much told me it might be soon and that he had had a plan but because of a few things with family he might bring it forward so that plan is out the window which got me excited because he then told me the original plan was November so looks like it might be sooner :D then he set out to talk about actual dates for the wedding :D I was over the moon. Now won't be speaking about it again because it looks like a proposal around my birthday might actually happen!!!

So exciting! :appl:
 

ZKS

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
30
My birthday is in about 2 weeks!!

:D
 

HollyS

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 18, 2007
Messages
6,105
My DH told me (in the years prior to our becoming engaged) that he would never propose on: my birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, our anniversary, etc. . . . because he wanted the day to be special all by itself. No extra drama on holidays and Holy Days. :bigsmile:

Don't overthink it. Relax. Let a proposal be a proposal, not a must-do on an already special day.
 
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