Need some advice

[janinegirly]

Hi all, you ladies have been great through the years--so I''m coming back for some advice..not as an LIW or BIW this time, but as a newlywed!
I''ve been married 3-4 months, and we''ve been together 4 yrs (living together 2). Everything is going perfectly, life is smooth (not much to stress about anymore), and we''re just enjoying real life without any drama! However there is one wrinkle--it''s minor in the big picutre I suppose, but it''s a problem for me. In short, I really dread DH''s family get togethers, primarily because I cannot stand DH''s brother''s girlfriend.
I''ll describe her briefly..b/c ulitimately this question is more about how I can better handle the situation..rather than whether or not I''m in the wrong/right for disliking her (b/c everyone will have different opinions on this--just believe me when I say I''ve tried, but the fact is I do not like her and it will not change). Anyway, she and the brother (my BIL) have been together 3 yrs, so it''s not a fling. She is 28, he is 42..yes a huge age gap. Their styles are VERY different from DH and I--they like to live in the moment, not plan, spend and travel out of their means. They think marriage will put a damper on their lifestyle so it''ll happen when it happens. They are both in sales so love to self-promote. I''m quite the opposite, I''m more reserved, quiet, conservative and tend to be self-deprecating--I don''t seek out attention. However, I can be opininated and stubborn in my ways..and I don''t like to be disrespected. I''m the fiercely loyal, protective type.

So anyway, just being around the BIL and his gf is very frustrating to me. Everything they say rubs me the wrong way (particularly the gf) and I just cannot stand having to suffer through their constant bragging, PDA''ing and self promoting. It''s just SO against my style...I purposely avoid people like this in my day to day life! I''ve tried to reconcile this, but have now concluded it''ll never change. But the fact is, DH''s family is also somewhat about appearances and not rocking the boat, so they seemed to have embraced her and enjoy her and to flower her with attention. I feel she''s a better fit with them than me...I''m not really bitter about this anymore, it''s more just a fact.

This has created some tension b/ween DH and me b/c it''s his family..and while his personality is more like mine, his family comes first and he just can''t understand why this is difficult for me. (maybe no one can..). He gets very frustrated with me because of it. Bottom line is his family has multiple get togethers (at least once a month) and it involves the entire family and very long drawn out dinners. Typically I feel SO drained after and not so great about myself (not fun enduing being part of a day which basically revolves around BIL and the gf). It''s not unusual for it to be a tough few days for DH and I afterwards too. So no surprise that i''ve come to dread these events and get depressed each month they roll around. I wnat to support DH and go with him...but sometimes I wish it was just a few times a year and that he understood how this is for me.

So that''s my long rant..looking for feedback on how I can better handle this. I know I''m probably in the wrong..but it''s how it is. I''m trying to make the best out of a not so great situation. And yes, we have another big family dinner tomorrow..involves big commute there and back..so the weknd will be shot. Thanks for listening!

 

[sumbride]

Are you my sister in law??? Seriously, I have a similar situation...

anyway, what concerns me is "His family comes first." Why? You''re his wife. You should come first. Not to the point of alienation, but if you are uncomfortable in the situation, you''re BOTH going to need to find a way to make it work. To me that would mean spending a wee bit less time around his family. Hard? Of course. Problematic? You betcha. But seriously, long drawn out dinners several times a month has GOT to be cutting into your social life. Can''t you be busy one of the nights? Have other plans? Sorry, can''t make it?


As for how you feel about her... it''s more about how you feel about how people treat her, right? Why does she get to be the focus? The center of attention? Well, who knows. They may just be responding to her outgoing bubblyness. Or they are bewitched. Something like that. But you know that you don''t really want her life, so realize that this attention comes with her life. Which you don''t want. So you don''t need to be jealous of the attention. It''s not something you need. Now I said "jealous", yes... it may be subconscious, but the whole unfairness of the situation radiates a bit of jealousy.

And can I relate? Yes. but in a different way. See, I''m the youngest in my family and I live far away, so when I come home, the family does tend to focus on me a bit. My sister in law HATES this. HATES it. With visible seething hate and anger. She doesn''t understand why she doesn''t get the same kind of attention. What she doesn''t realize is that she DOES get attention, but in her case, it''s negative attention because she''s so negative. She spends an amazing amount of time complaining about how hard her life is, and she has reason to... her life is hard. She has a lot of personal issues that make it so and most of them can''t be fixed, so yes, we get it, her life is hard. But do we have to throw the pity at her all the time? Yes, according to her. It''s exhausting and it''s cut into my ability to enjoy being around my brother whom I used to adore. So here''s the thing.... you can''t pick family. You are stuck with what you have, so you have to make the best of it. I live 1000 miles away and when I''m home I try to avoid SIL as much as possible. Maybe you can stop being available to go to every single family dinner?

Good luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

Here are my suggestions... not sure how useful they are!

1) If you can, skip 1 of every 3 family dinners. Enough to have a break, but not so much that you seem to be avoiding them
2) Turn her into a curiosity, a spectacle. So, watch her shenanigans as entertainment in a detached way, if you see what I mean. The idea is, you can''t change her behaviour. All you can do is change your reaction to her behaviour. She''s not actually harming you, just annoying you. So is there some way to be less annoyed? Well, try to become detached and curious. Like as if you were at a zoo (I know that''s rude!) That usually works for me. Though it takes some practice.

 

[janinegirly]

thanks sum! hopefully you don't really think i'm like your SIL though! I'm not really negative around family events..I suppose it's likely that subconsiously I'm giving off vibes, but I'm mostly polite and quiet. And in our case we both (myself and DH and BIL and GF) live the same distance from the parents. In fact we live very close to BIL and GF which is another issue I don't have control over!
You're right that there might be some underlying jealousy or resentment, but if so, I can't really help it, I can only try to avoid showing it or maybe not go to every dinner. Which by the way I'd LOVE to have happen. DH doesn't understand this--I think he thinks it would look really bad and how hard can a dinner here and there be. But it is very hard for me!

And I can't say she has a bubbly personality that attracts attention. She more has an intense need for attention and is quite selfish. I just cannot stand that personality trait! The BIL mirrors her personality when he is with her. Some examples of this to add some context:
*they have no problem discussing their finances/salary/expected bonuses. I was raised that this is highly inappropriate and tacky
*they showed up at our rehearsal late..ie after the rehearsal was over and BIL was the best man. This happened despite them taking the day off. They showed up in flip flops. The event definitely was not a flip flop event. To this day I felt so disrespected..but no one said a peep to them.
*at the parents' summerhouse: they have basically taken over it like it's their own home--painting the room colors and strewning their clothes, underwear, everything around the house


I'm starting to sound catty, and these are random examples, but had to give a few. I find it hard to believe BIL is 42 sometimes! But ultimately, I agree..I need to somehow get out of so many of these dinners so I can have some peace of mind and build up some defenses/positive attitude before the next event! Just not sure how to do that without creating rift b/ween DH and I or the family and I....

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband likes my family, and I still don''t expect him to visit them or attend family gatherings every time I do. My parents, sister, and her husband spend a lot of time sitting while my husband and I are very active so he has a hard time being with them because he gets bored. I totally understand this, but because they are my family I am used to it, I just don''t expect him to be. When we are visiting and he gets bored he finds something to do, such as going to work at Kinko''s or going to the grocery store for my mom, or heading to a local big box store and wandering for a bit. No one is bothered by this, it''s just J being J. Could you work it out with your husband that you don''t have to attend every family function? Or if they are weekend long affairs that you only attend dinner and then perhaps break up the visit by going to the movies or something?

I''m not quite sure why their lifestyle affects you and how your being "fiercely loyal" has any bearing on the situation. You are very different people who happen to be de facto members of the same family, it doesn''t mean you''re destined to be best friends, or even see eye to eye. I do understand having to get along with difficult people (my husband''s best friend and her family are like a family to him but we have nothing in common and our get togethers are not the most exciting thing for me) but I don''t understand why it would make you upset with your husband. He has no control over how they behave and if you are someone who keeps to yourself I''m not sure why it would matter that these events revolve around them, and I wonder how much your perception is colored by the fact that you don''t like them. I would think you''d be happy to have the attention diverted elsewhere.

Your message is a bit unclear, but it sounds like you are saying your husband places his family before you. This is certainly not right, but my guess is after 4 years of being together you knew this would be the case and you married him. I''m not sure how you change that now, but I highly recommend the two of you talk about this and come to some sort of compromise about his family''s place in your life or this will continue to rear its head.

 

[janinegirly]

Kimberly-me describing myself as loyal was just to add some context to my personality description. It has no bearing on the situation. And their lifestlye doesn''t affect ours, but their constant bragging does affect me, rightly or wrongly, b/c I find it just really tacky and offensive/inapprorpriate behavior. Family events are like being part of a huge self-promotion tour for themselves and it''s exhausting. I don''t mind the attention being diverted from me, but it irritates me that it is directed at people who just don''t deserve it b/c it rewards and encourages them. I just have long had a strong distaste for shallow people, and now it''s part of "the family" and it''s a struggle for me. Again, maybe I''m the bad guy, but the point is none of us are perfect and this is an issue I have. Yes this has been an issue throughout the 3-4 yrs, and I knew it going into the marriage, but to me it was minor compared to other life issues and wasn''t exactly a deal breaker. I guess I do wish my DH would support me more here, or at least be somewhat sympathetic, but I think he has a hard time b/c he frankly does not agree with me. So...I go to these events, bite my lip, probably look bad, and end up feeling like crap. These days it''s the dread leading up to the event that I have the most difficult time with!

Independent Gal-thanks for your post and actually some good advice! I''m going to try that tomorrow, pretend I''m at a zoo .

 

[laine]

BIL and GF sound like people I wouldn''t much like to spend time with either, but you''re stuck with them, so you just have to make the best of it. We have some people in my family who are similar (my uncle especially). My brother and BF''s BIL aren''t as bad, but can be exhausting and irritating to be around for an extended amount of time. While I think that they are the ones who should be changing, I also realize they aren''t going to, so its up to me to deal with them. I like Indy''s advice about making them a spectacle--sort of detach yourself and be fascinated by how crazy they are. You can''t change them and you can''t avoid them, so try your best to just let any emotion go--it won''t do anything but frustrate you.

I will say that its too bad your DH isn''t a little more understanding. While BF and I expect each other to put up with our families with a smile, a shared glance/eye roll/head shake at some crazy behavior seems to make things more bearable, and at the end of the day, we can share a feeling of "I''m glad you''re you"

So....lots of sympathy and no real advice for you. Good luck!

 

[sumbride]

Date: 1/11/2008 12:20:55 PM
Author: janinegirly
thanks sum! hopefully you don''t really think i''m like your SIL though!

No! Sorry if it sounded like that. It''s just an extreme example of what it can turn into.

It''s fresh in my mind because I just got back from visiting and I was standing beside her in the buffet line at dinner one night when she said "People always seem to forget MY problems" and I said "well, it''s just that there are so many around here these days... you have to get in line." It''s true. Everyone in my family has been having a rough time as of late and her little issue that she was complaining about was nothing compared to everything else... but I could tell she was just royally peeved that she wasn''t getting the right amount of attention. And my comment did not calm her down but it did guarantee that I never had to stand or sit near her for the rest of the time I was home. How dare I imply that her problems weren''t the most difficult ones in the room!!

 

[KimberlyH]

Janine, I think IG's suggestion is a good one. Perhaps distancing yourself from them will also help you to see that just because you don't get along doesn't make anyone right/wrong and good/bad, you are just very different people. And then things that having no bearing on you will become meaningless. For example, what they do to your in-laws summer home is between them and your in-laws and if you can learn to see that and similar situations as different ways of being rather than trying to classify them as right and wrong you would be much better off in the long run as it sounds like the situation isn't going to change as your in laws and your husband are content with things as is.

I totally understand wanting your husband's support, or at least a bit of sympathy and respect for attending these events as you don't enjoy them. It sounds like you aren't willing to opt out though, because you don't want to rock the boat either, which means you are doing exactly what you are upset at your husband for doing: going along with the program. So how about you reward yourself each time you attend by doing something you love (with or without hubby). Perhaps the day before go get a manicure, pedicure, facial, or visit a bookstore, or whatever you find peaceful and relaxing so that you can relieve some of your anxiety.

 

[janinegirly]

Kim-good idea (rewarding myself).

I am going along/not rocking the boat b/c I'm new to the family and I don't want to upset anyone or look bad. Not just for msyelf but for DH. If I'm the only one who doesn't go (all children & spouses usually go), it's going to be obvious. And I just know DH will be irritated at me, so yes, I avoid the confrontation. But I'm analysing it more now b/c I see a bad pattern emerging and I'd like to change it or at least offer a bit of relief. I def cant' get out of tomorrow, but I need to be stronger and get out of the next event at least. Or at least one of the events! I mean otherwise I see this problem as growing and getting worse.

As for the "summerhouse", actually the whole family is there during these get togethers (ie the once a month thing moves to to the summer house in the summer, so b/comes a wkend event). so their painting of their room/strewning of clothes everywhere does affect us. Or at least the clothes/items spread everywhere does. It's not a huge house and there are many communal spaces. The painting of the room (or half the room before they abadoned it), annoys me because it exemplifies their self-centered behavior.

thanks all for the feedback. not sure i feel too great about things but it helps to vent here without consequences..

 

[Mara]

i think that over time the longer you are ''in the family'' the easier stuff like this gets...you eventually just kind of realize that you take the good with the bad when it comes to the other side of the family. you can pick the guy but not the family. also i think that the whole ''his family comes first'' thing changes with time too. i think my husband was more like that when we met and as we dated but now that i have been ''around'' for so long, it''s definitely changed and even more so after we got married. i''d say give it a little bit of time...and also she''s only a girlfriend right? so you don''t know that she will be around for the long haul. i like what IG says too, watch her in a detached manner and more like ''boy i''m glad i don''t have to deal with you on a daily basis''. just don''t feed into the drama and try to stay above it and i think eventually stuff will work itself out...in families things like this seem to come and go.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 1/11/2008 1:24:27 PM
Author: janinegirly
Kim-good idea (rewarding myself).

I am going along/not rocking the boat b/c I''m new to the family and I don''t want to upset anyone or look bad. Not just for msyelf but for DH. If I''m the only one who doesn''t go (all children & spouses usually go), it''s going to be obvious. And I just know DH will be irritated at me, so yes, I avoid the confrontation. But I''m analysing it more now b/c I see a bad pattern emerging and I''d like to change it or at least offer a bit of relief. I def cant'' get out of tomorrow, but I need to be stronger and get out of the next event at least. Or at least one of the events! I mean otherwise I see this problem as growing and getting worse.

As for the ''summerhouse'', actually the whole family is there during these get togethers (ie the once a month thing moves to to the summer house in the summer, so b/comes a wkend event). so their painting of their room/strewning of clothes everywhere does affect us. Or ate least the clothes/items spread everywhere does. It''s not a huge house and there are many communal spaces. The painting of the room (or half the room before they abadoned it), just annoys me and just exemplifies their self-centered behavior.

thanks all for the feedback. not sure i feel too great about things but it helps to vent here without consequences..

Janine, my intent wasn''t to vilify you for going with the program, I would to in your shoes, because I am big on family, no matter how annoying they can be! The whole painting the house, talking about money, etc. all falls into the same boat. For their family this is normal and acceptable behavior, and it''s uncomfortable for you but there isn''t anything you can do about it without upsetting the apple cart. Not fun, but just the way things are. So back to being at the zoo....picture her with a lion''s head while you are at it. And there is no reason you have to go every time. It sounds like it''s going to be a bit difficult to stand your ground on that one, but it is your right to opt out on occasion! Good luck.

 

[CrownJewel]

Janine, I can relate to how you're feeling. One of FI's best friends and his girlfriend are like your BIL and his girlfriend. However they are only 2 or 3 years apart. Actually I don't think the age difference btwn your BIL and his gf are of any significance. They are both adults, or both adults pretending they are still kids. Either way, they are both adults.

It sounds like I'm just like you, rather reserved. I don't see a need for self-promotion...I'm perfectly happy with myself and while I am comfortable discussing my accomplishments, I prefer to talk about other things!! FI's friend and gf prefer mostly to talk about themselves, unfortunately. It seems that they believe their ideas, opinions and activities are the greatest and smartest so everyone should hear about them. They love to "blog" about themselves, the guy talks about writing books about his great ideas, the girl wanted to start a class to teach "the uninformed" how to dress. They are both very opinionated and sometimes it's a bit offensive, especially because one of their recent projects is a "mockumentary" about their experiences with people in China (where my family is from).

Here's the thing though, some people find them funny and I have to respect that. FI thinks his friend is very smart and funny and has good ideas. *Sometimes* I think they are smart and funny and have good ideas, so I've learned to take the bad with the good. I find them irritating sometimes but at the end of the day, I'm glad I don't have to go home with them. Luckily I've been able to see that they both can be generous and kind (it's in them somewhere...you just have to look hard and be patient!!).

There are times when I just want to get away from them, and as much as I dislike some of the things they do and say, I will always be able to find something nice to say about them. My general attitude when they are doing something I think is annoying is first, "UGH!" followed by, "eh, whatever. I do and say stupid things too." That's what works for me. Hopefully you will find something that works!! Is there ANYTHING you like about them?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Stop going to the events. I know it sounds like I am over simplifing, but I had the same problem when I first started dating my FI. After it got that bad with his mom, I said I wasn''t going anymore until he either stood with me or made a compromise. It worked and although I still don''t get along with his family, we atleast have a good truce with them. Your DH is probably thinking that it can''t be as bad as you say because you keep going and he doesn''t have to compromise because he is getting his cake and eating it too.
If you do, there are three things you can.
Keep doing what you are doing, which is killing you.
Compete with her. She isn''t go to change so if you want the dynamic to then you have to. If you start getting attention and outdoing her, she will not like it there and come less, but you do have to stick with it. Be blunt. you will be the bad guy, but you will feel better and your DH might start to see how much this upsets you. It might also force her to tone it down.
I know this is not what you want, but she is not going to change unless she has to.

 

[sumbride]

Yep, it''s me, with another example. This time about DH taking your side.

I think it''s a big deal with me because I''m still working on it.

My MIL is insane. And MEAN. DH remembers a time when she wasn''t, or at least she wasn''t as bad, but I doubt that... I just think he didn''t notice. I don''t like being around her and we do spend a LOT less time with her than he used to before me. He doesn''t like spending time with her anymore either because she''s mean to him as well. But the thing is I''m not really supposed to point out that she''s mean. Or insane. I can''t talk about his mother like that because she''s his mother. Sure, HE can talk about her like that. His brothers can. But not me. This grates me to no end as I see it as irrational where he sees it as loyalty. He has been consulting with his brother on this lately because I did point out, after yet another argument with her, that I really wanted him to take my side and stand up for me. His brother said "Man, you can''t choose between them. She''s your wife but mom''s your mother." I laughed at this when he told me because though I do kind of get what he was saying, this was coming from his TWICE-DIVORCED brother. I said "Seriously, you''re taking marriage advice from HIM?" and M sort of laughed nervously. There I go again, back-handing his family. Oops.

So just be cautious. Men (and women) can be very sensitive about their families. While I do think he needs to step up and support you (and I want that in my own life too), I''m reminded of the saying "Yes, I know they are crazy, but they are all I''ve got."

 

[Erin]

You''ve said phrases like

Everything they say rubs me the wrong way
suffer through their constant bragging
It''s just SO against my style
huge self-promotion tour for themselves and it''s exhausting
I purposely avoid people like this in my day to day life

So fine. You don''t click with people like that because you choose not to. Well, your BIL and his girlfriend are not your choice. But you did choose DH and he wants to be there and he wants you to be there. I like when my bf is around my family, too. I''m sure there''s been a time where he''s done things only because you wanted them? And it will continue to happen. It''s compromise. It''s also understanding.

Sorry if I''m reading this wrong, but your choices of words sound like you''re disdainful of his family. If everyone else acts this way and it is accepted, they will continue to act this way and you will inevitably become the outsider who imperiously rolls her eyes. And it will especially seem so if you have always attended in the past and then all of the sudden start dropping off in attendance.

I''m not sure why it bothers you much that they''re tacky and inappropriate. That''s who they are. They''re not you. You don''t have to act like them. If you want some of the spotlight bring something to the table. If you don''t want any of the spotlight that''s fine too but I''m afraid you''re stuck watching their show. My suggestion is that you ask them questions which do not encourage topics which displease you.

 

[janinegirly]

As an UPDATE, yesterday''s family dinner was a non-issue because the BIL and gf showed up earlier than expected and left before dinner started (before we arrived) since they had some big party to go to (nice priorities!). So dinner was actually lovely. Without them sucking the energy out of the room, everything was actually very enjoyable and balanced (there are other in laws, siblings, children in the mix). So it''s just the 2 of them who, in my opinion, are toxic to the dynamic--at least for me. So I''ll have to wait to the next event to try out the "zoo observation" approach

starset: i hear some of what you''re saying but i suppose i see it differently. Of course I support my DH and go to many functions/events that aren''t for me, but to repeatedly be around individuals (the BIL and GF) who make my skin crawl and all around have an unpleasant time for whatever reason is something I have every right to anaylze and opt out of once in awhile. We all know relationships are about communication and compromise--it''s just a question of choosing which times to raise issues and which ones to let slide to avoid conflict. Seeing how I''ve been dealing with this unhappily for close to 4 yrs, I think it''s fair to say it''s something I should find a better way of dealing with--and the method I''ve been dealing with it up till now: playing along and just going to keep the peace/biting my tongue, and feeding into individuals'' needs for affirmation--is not working.

 

[surfgirl]

janine, I see mixed messaged in your posts. You're complaining that they're always around and they suck the life out of the room, yet you make a snarky comment about them having the wrong priorities for not staying for dinner last night, rather than just being thankful that they weren't there the entire evening. In addition, you dont say if anyone else has an issue with her/them. Surely if it's such an overt situation, haven't any other DIL/SILs made any comments to you after so many years of dealing with her? You mentioned the rehearsal dinner but you didn't say anything to them about it. It sounds to me like you allow them to run roughshod over you and you sit there, not wanting to make any waves. If it bothers you that much (and I can understand why it would), you CAN actually attempt to make changes. For example, if they're blathering on about something inane about themselves, why not abruptly change the subject to something benign and that isn't about them? "Let's talk about non work subjects since we're trying to relax after a long week's work! Anyone seen any good movies, read any books, seen any good museum exhibits, etc, etc, etc.?" You can try to redirect the conversations to a more palatable place and to be honest, if the rest of the family is bugged but not saying anything, they'll likely follow suit with you. Just a suggestion from someone who's close relative talks ad nauseum about herself all the friggin time and I've learned to be very direct in changing the subject when I'm through listening to her blather on about her world. As for leaving clothing around the summer house, there's nothing wrong with saying loudly, so all can hear, "hey, can you please pick up your clothes so we can tidy the place up a bit?"



Alternatively, you can do what my husband describes as "putting on his space suit to visit the planet where my mother lives..." She's bizarre, and he pretends that she's from another world and similarly to IG, he studies her and tries to be amused by her bizarre comments. Then we rehash the more bizarre comments she made in the car on our way home. In order to do that though, it helps if your husband is on the same page as you and I'm not sure he loathes these people as much as you do.

As far as doing family dinners nearly every week? That's crazy. But again, it's not like you didn't know that going into this marriage. To me, there are two issues:

1. Maybe you allow people to run over you or bug the crap out of you without sticking up for yourself?

and

2. Your husband puts his family before his wife.

I'd say the second issue is the one I'd be more concerned with. The first is something you have control over and can change if you want to. Perhaps some counseling would help you both to figure out how to cope with these relatives, as well as helping you reclaim your personal time without having to have family dinners several times a month...I know I couldn't deal with that even once a month if it was me!

Good luck!

 

[lyra]

This was me, more or less, 25 years ago with my husband''s family. I was shy and they favoured anyone who was bubbly and outgoing. I didn''t fit in to their ideal *at all*. Okay, so it''s 25 years later. My kids are the stars of the entire family. Apparently I did everything right in raising them (not true, but I''ll take a compliment when I can). Things change so much over time. It''s really not worth putting so much effort into it now.

I agree with what others have said. Go, (or go 1 in 3 if you can swing that amicably, or 1 in 4 whatever), smile, drink your wine (not too much though), laugh and participate as though you enjoy it. Or at least don''t make it a huge issue, be neutral as you can be about it. Then go home and vent yourself silly online somewhere. Not to your husband all the time. A good conversation about how this stuff bugs you, but how you''re going to attempt to change your attitude about it might smooth things over enough for him to cut you some slack. My husband hated hearing the negative stuff from me. He sometimes agreed, but he never wanted to do anything about it because he hates confrontations. So try to make your way as best you can and find support elsewhere. Truth be told, I sought therapy at one point, and spend a good number of sessions just bitching about my inlaws!

Hey, it helped, what can I say.

Good luck. I think if you know you have someone supporting your view, even if it''s people here on PS, that might help you feel less powerless in this situation. Or just write in a blog somewhere. Venting is cathartic. Time will heal.

 

[janinegirly]

surfgirl-thanks for your post, and you''re so right. I''m torn between not being able to stand these two (and wanting to adjust the situation to make it more bearable) and having a personality that buries the feelings in order to keep the peace. Plus I am new to the family, so that makes me more timid. Anyway, you made some great suggestions--I''m going to make a point to re-read this thread before the next family visit!

Lyra-thanks so much for your post! it was helpful to read a post fromt someone who can relate and who also handled it succesfully. Appreciate your feedback and thanks for sharing! And you''re right, I need to vent online and not to the hubby!

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 1/13/2008 8:37:25 PM
Author: janinegirly
surfgirl-thanks for your post, and you''re so right. I''m torn between not being able to stand these two (and wanting to adjust the situation to make it more bearable) and having a personality that buries the feelings in order to keep the peace. Plus I am new to the family, so that makes me more timid. Anyway, you made some great suggestions--I''m going to make a point to re-read this thread before the next family visit!


Lyra-thanks so much for your post! it was helpful to read a post fromt someone who can relate and who also handled it succesfully. Appreciate your feedback and thanks for sharing! And you''re right, I need to vent online and not to the hubby!

Thanks for hearing what I said...I wasn''t sure you''d be upset with my post or not! Anyway, I DO understand what it''s like to have to go to a family gathering and not want to even socialize with some of those present. I was also thinking...it sounds like a big family, no? Isn''t it possible to "break away" from the group where Mr/Ms Self Absorbed are yammering away, and move to another room with some other family members and say, play Scrabble or something? Is there something - like playing cards or games - that they wouldn''t like, that other would like? Maybe you could branch off, so to speak, and take a few family members with you, to the porch or kitchen or wherever, and play a game while the others blather away in another room?

 

[phoenixgirl]

I agree that venting online is a good way to go!

I have some inlaws with emotional/psychiatric problems, so I can speak from the experience of having to deal with toxicity. My view, though, is that my role is to support DH. I would never want him to turn down a family event for my sake or feel that going to a family event would put his relationship with me in any jeopardy. I think that if you start opting out of things because you don't like your husband's family, tension will inevitably ensue. I think it's a cross you need to bear. I draw the line with our inlaws at situations where I feel we are in danger or will be unable to extricate ourselves if something bad goes down, but I don't feel that annoyance is a good excuse (I am sure a good portion of us have annoying inlaws somewhere or other). The toxicity has grown recently, so I was more emotionally invested in this part of the family previously, but now I've simply cut them off from my true self. I don't care what they think, and I have no expectations of support or encouragement from them or a real connection with them. I just smile and nod. You can't change your husband's family or the fact that he wants to see them, so you must focus on what you can change: your expectations of what will happen when you see them.

This point was driven home to me over Christmas. I've known my brother's wife for 17 years, since I was in elementary school. We've never thought she was a super great match for my brother or grew super close to her, but we had a sort of unspoken truce. This Christmas, for some reason, she just broke the unspoken truce. We went to DisneyWorld (paid for by my parents), and she had an embarrassing tantrum when my dad wanted to take the guys to play golf (so they didn't go), she had another one when she was asked to take her niece to the bathroom, she had a third one when my father addressed her son hitting his cousin, she had a fourth one when she was asked to decide what to order for room service half an hour before she had planned to, she bossed my brother around in an embarrassing way, she made it quite clear that we weren't free to go where we wanted but that all eight of us adults had to accompany her small children on every single children's ride, and she unloaded on my mother all her grievances with my father and sister. It was bizarre and embarrassing. What we always suspected came to the surface -- that she doesn't really like us, thinks we're a drag, etc.

What I told DH is that she just doesn't get that this was our family trip, not hers. When we visited DH's nana over Christmas, DH's brother's girlfriend wanted to spend our only free day doing yoga. She didn't get that we were supposed to do whatever the guys wanted to do with their relatives. If it were my SIL's family trip, I'd expect her to tell my brother what they wanted to do and to go along with it. But since it was our family's trip, I'd expect her to allow us to pick what we want to do, not be resentful of the guys wanting to play golf together like it would torture her to be on all expenses paid trip to Disney World and spend part of one day taking care of her children with my help and my mother's help instead of my brother. She just needs to get over herself. She can't expect us to stop existing or to stop liking each other just because we're not to her taste. And if she thinks her in-laws are bad, she should spend some time with mine. I bet she's never had an in-law scream, "I proved to you that I love but you've done nothing for me!" at her while she was hosting them over for Thanksgiving.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 1/11/2008 12:10:30 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Here are my suggestions... not sure how useful they are!


1) If you can, skip 1 of every 3 family dinners. Enough to have a break, but not so much that you seem to be avoiding them

2) Turn her into a curiosity, a spectacle. So, watch her shenanigans as entertainment in a detached way, if you see what I mean. The idea is, you can''t change her behaviour. All you can do is change your reaction to her behaviour. She''s not actually harming you, just annoying you. So is there some way to be less annoyed? Well, try to become detached and curious. Like as if you were at a zoo (I know that''s rude!) That usually works for me. Though it takes some practice.

Janinegirly, I totally second everything Independent Gal suggested. Sometimes when a person feels particularly violated by somebody else for a vague reason, it''s because they don''t feel like they have enough control in the situation. And being forced to sit with someone who grates on your nerves repeatedly-- how awful is that? You totally have my sympathies, and I second the idea to take some control back over the part you can-- stop feeling obligated to show up like sheep every single time!

BTW, don''t be surprised if your husband, upon seeing you doing it, begins to re-evaluate the system and comes around to support you, his wife, a bit more....

Good luck!

 

[Pandora II]

I think you need to start practising setting boundaries.

If FI wanted to go and have dinner with his parents every month, I''d just say that I was busy that night - give them my love..., and go to maybe 3 or 4 a year.

I have always made it very clear to my own parents and any bf''s parents, that my life is my own and I have no intention of conforming to some ''perfect happy families'' thing on a regular basis. If we decided to move to the other side of the world, we wouldn''t feel we needed to consult or consider our respective families wishes. FI and I are our own family.

It works extremely well - all sides are happy to see us when we are there and no-one is offended when we are too busy, as they don''t have certain expectations that we are ruining for them by not being there.

We see my parents maybe 3 times a year and his about the same.

The thing that stood out to me in your post was that he is putting his family before you. That dynamic needs to change and change fast - unless you are happy to have your life dictated by his family dinner schedule. The only way to do that, is to not go to some of the dinners now. If you put up, you have no chance of changing things.

On the BIL and gf situation - I agree with Indy, become your own zoologist...