Need some Advice :(

[aggal06]

Hi all, I''m more of a lurker and not actually on the LIW list, but you guys are really good listeners and full of knowledge. I found out last night my boyfriend of 7 years (it will be 7 years in June) lied to me. I just don''t know how to deal with it. He says he''s sorry, but now that he''s lied, I just don''t know that I can believe him. To me it''s just ruined all of the trust for me.

When we first started dating HE was the one that said he wanted me to be his wife and wanted to marry me, which was a shock to me because I wasn''t even really thinking about it seriously 4 or 5 months into the relationship..somewhere around that long. About a year later he tells me he''s thinking about getting me something (a ring). So after that we''ve been together a few years and nothing happens and I wait and wait. Then he told me when I was still in school that we would get engaged after I was finished. That didn''t happen, of course. About a year and a half ago after I had graduated he told me...when I find a job we will then get engaged/married. When he told me this he didn''t seem like he was lying to me, but then again maybe I''m just so stupid I didn''t see it, or I wanted to believe it. I started my full-time job in December after working in a crappy big box store for a year after graduation with a Master''s degree in this horrid economy and still no talk of anything. He told me I had to get a real job (I guess I was making Monopoly money or something at the time)

So last night somehow the subject came up and he told me that those were things he told me just to shut me up basically. He flat out said, "they were lies". I don''t know if it''s me or am I just being stupid and nothing is going on? How do you regain trust with someone after they''ve lied to you time after time? Is it me being upset still right now, or does it seem like our relationship has been a big lie because after what he''s told me? I just don''t know what to think or do right now. I honestly think it would have been better to just tell me he wasn''t ready for marriage yet instead of telling me these things or even initiating the marriage thing in the first place years and years ago. It was like false hope, I guess. I don''t know. Thank you for letting me vent, ladies!

 

[missy]

I am so sorry you are going through this. That's a terrible thing he did and there is just no excuse for it. I mean, he started telling you these lies before you even were interested in marriage so what's his excuse there?

I'm sorry but he was (is) very disrespectful of you and your feelings and there is just no good reason. Where do you go from here? Did you discuss this with him when this came up?

I expect honesty in a relationship and without it there is no relationship for me. Without honesty there is no trust and that is the cornerstone of a successful relationship.


I wish all the best for you and hope you know you have choices and never feel like you are stuck. You deserve a loving and trusting relationship. Whether or not this could be that relationship is your decision and up to you and your SO but things need to change if it will ever be possible.

 

[smiles]

Hey Aggal. I am so sorry you are having to go through this right now. My opinion of what happens next would be you taking some time to really think about your relationship and yourself. What do YOU want to happen next? Do you want to stay with him? Do you want marriage in your life or are you happy continuing n this relationship? Is there any way that he could work to regain your trust or is this something you do not think you will be able to overcome? Are you happy with yourself and in your life? What are your goals for yourself over thenext few year? I am not expecting you to actually answer the questions they are more food for thought. I do believe that trust can be regained but this lie is entrenched in your relationship it wasn''t an isolated lie. I completely understand how you feel about feeling like everything has been a lie.

I can''t tell you what to do but I would really take this opportunity to re-evaluate life in general and explore all potential outcomes before making a decision. I wish you all the best!!

 

[luckynumber]

you deserve better than this

 

[aggal06]

Hi ladies, I think what I''m going to do is think long and hard about this like you guys mentioned. I mean, he said he was sorry, but right now I just don''t know if that''s enough. Maybe I need to discuss with him that I feel like the relationship has been a big lie and then maybe he''ll understand, I don''t know. This is also harder because we are living together and have been the past 5 years or so. I failed to mention that above. I mean, I was under the impression that you move in together then you get married pretty shortly after that. Boy was a young and stupid.

I''m glad I have you guys here to talk to if I need it. I moved here about two years ago and left all of my friends behind and don''t really have any right now, so it''s nice to have someone to talk to about these things.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 4/10/2010 9:49:55 AM
Author: missy
I am so sorry you are going through this. That''s a terrible thing he did and there is just no excuse for it. I mean, he started telling you these lies before you even were interested in marriage so what''s his excuse there?

I''m sorry but he was (is) very disrespectful of you and your feelings and there is just no good reason. Where do you go from here? Did you discuss this with him when this came up?

I expect honesty in a relationship and without it there is no relationship for me. Without honesty there is no trust and that is the cornerstone of a successful relationship.


I wish all the best for you and hope you know you have choices and never feel like you are stuck. You deserve a loving and trusting relationship. Whether or not this could be that relationship is your decision and up to you and your SO but things need to change if it will ever be possible.

exactly. Those are some pretty big lies to tell, and where would they stop? What about when you discuss what comes after marriage? Buying a house? Who is the breadwinner? kids?

I don''t intend to sound harsh, becuase what your BF did was bad enough. I just don''t want you to forgive him without discussing EVERYTHING.

 

[VikingP77]

This is cruel, I am just stunned someone would do this to another person!

 

[Treasure43]

I''m sorry you''re going through this. You don''t deserve to be treated like this!

I''m curious, did he say it was all a big lie as his way of telling you he doesn''t want to get married to you or is he still saying he wants to get married? I''m just wondering why he would even DO something like this. Do you guys live together or not?

I''d say you need to think long and hard about the relationship you have with this man. Perhaps a further talk with him about why this happened and how you''re feeling about this situation is in order.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

What is his exact plan for regaining your trust?

If he doesn''t have one, then I don''t think he''s very sorry.

 

[jewelz617]

I am not saying your boyfriend doesn't care about you, but I can't imagine staying with someone who would do that to me.

The one theme of your question that stood out to me was that he always promised marriage but only when YOU did something right. He put the ball in your court over and over again, and why? So if you failed, he wouldn't have to be "the bad guy".

People who put their ridiculous standards upon others are not serious about that person's wants, needs or feelings. I speak from experience here.

And for what it's worth, when my husband proposed I was a waitress working towards a bachelor's degree and my engagement ring cost $400.

ETA: I just read where you said you and he have been living together for 5 years. I hate to say this, but some guys (NOT all of them, but quite a few) do not see the "point" in marrying someone they have been living with for so long. They see it as needless red tape, expensive and harder to cut ties if things don't work out. You should ask him if this is part of the reason he's been lying. Because if marriage is a priority for you, he is not sounding like a future husband.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/10/2010 1:11:10 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I am not saying your boyfriend doesn''t care about you, but I can''t imagine staying with someone who would do that to me.

The one theme of your question that stood out to me was that he always promised marriage but only when YOU did something right. He put the ball in your court over and over again, and why? So if you failed, he wouldn''t have to be ''the bad guy''.

People who put their ridiculous standards upon others are not serious about that person''s wants, needs or feelings. I speak from experience here.

And for what it''s worth, when my husband proposed I was a waitress working towards a bachelor''s degree and my engagement ring cost $400.

ETA: I just read where you said you and he have been living together for 5 years. I hate to say this, but some guys (NOT all of them, but quite a few) do not see the ''point'' in marrying someone they have been living with for so long. They see it as needless red tape, expensive and harder to cut ties if things don''t work out. You should ask him if this is part of the reason he''s been lying. Because if marriage is a priority for you, he is not sounding like a future husband.

Since it won''t let me edit my post for some reason, I see you''ve been living together for 5 years. I agree with PinkAsscher that lots of guys don''t see the point of marrying someone after living with them for a long time. Sometimes it just seems more comfortable to just continue living together, especially if the guy doesn''t really want to get married in the first place. I''d bring that up with him. After 5+ years of saying "if you do ______ we''ll get engaged", I can see why you''re frustrated. If it were me, I''d let him know that this is not an acceptable way to treat someone you want to marry. It''s been my experience that if a man wants to propose he''ll propose when he''s ready. Either he''s not ready yet or he''s not planning to propose is what I''m seeing in your post. If marriage is important to you (and you feel like you can trust him again) you need to talk with him and figure out which it is.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 4/10/2010 9:25:56 AM
Author:aggal06
When we first started dating HE was the one that said he wanted me to be his wife and wanted to marry me, which was a shock to me because I wasn't even really thinking about it seriously 4 or 5 months into the relationship..somewhere around that long. About a year later he tells me he's thinking about getting me something (a ring). So after that we've been together a few years and nothing happens and I wait and wait. Then he told me when I was still in school that we would get engaged after I was finished. That didn't happen, of course. About a year and a half ago after I had graduated he told me...when I find a job we will then get engaged/married. When he told me this he didn't seem like he was lying to me, but then again maybe I'm just so stupid I didn't see it, or I wanted to believe it. I started my full-time job in December after working in a crappy big box store for a year after graduation with a Master's degree in this horrid economy and still no talk of anything. He told me I had to get a real job (I guess I was making Monopoly money or something at the time)

So last night somehow the subject came up and he told me that those were things he told me just to shut me up basically. He flat out said, 'they were lies'. I don't know if it's me or am I just being stupid and nothing is going on? How do you regain trust with someone after they've lied to you time after time? Is it me being upset still right now, or does it seem like our relationship has been a big lie because after what he's told me? I just don't know what to think or do right now. I honestly think it would have been better to just tell me he wasn't ready for marriage yet instead of telling me these things or even initiating the marriage thing in the first place years and years ago. It was like false hope, I guess. I don't know. Thank you for letting me vent, ladies!

I think you can see the pattern. Pack you bags, move out and stop wasting time with someone who doesn't want to marry you.

 

[VikingP77]

I think he understands perfectly well what he has done so I don''t know if a talk is in order. You have made the sacrifices here. You moved away from your friends etc 2 years ago. You are in a weak spot. I can''t tell you what to do but I can only say what I would do.....

First I would make plans to leave. I would tell him but first I would be very serious and have the plan in place. Find a roommate, move back with the folks etc....I would cut my losses and admit that I''m glad I didn''t waste 5years plus 1 more day on this guy. I would read some empowering books and go out with friends and reach out to people who support me.

I think you already know by his actions he is not going to marry you. Maybe he cares about you but he will not marry you.

Good luck!

 

[junebug17]

Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship, and he''s basically destroyed all trust in him by lying to you for years. I would never be able to believe another word from him, about anything. I''d cut my loses and move on, and find someone who respected me enough to be honest with me. I''m sorry you are going through this, this is tough.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Okay, so if (and this is a big IF) this guy ever does propose, what will be next?
"If you become a CEO I will marry you? If you own your own company I will marry you? If you become as rich as Richard Branson I will marry you?"
And then?
"If I see that you can be a decent mother (according to my impossibly high standards) I will have kids with you?" And don't even THINK about gaining any pregnancy weight, because then he will only be intimate with you once you get skinny again.

"If you earn it I will be good to you?"
"I will treat you well when you deserve it?"
"I will stand by your side for richer, but not poorer, not in sickness, only health, the good times, but not the bad?"


Leave him. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You will see that in time. I promise. Don't ever for one second think that you wasted your time, because you have learnt valuable lessons. You will look back and think "wow, I really dodged a bullet."
Plus, he's just MEAN.

 

[RaiKai]

His actions, or lack thereof, speak louder than his words in this case.

Honestly if I was in your shoes...and this comes from personal experience and anecdotal evidence...I would leave. There is no trust and a clear lack of honest communication. Moreso, there has been no respect for you. This is not how healthy mature people or relationships are.

I know it will be hard after 7 years...but it is already 7 years overdue given.he has said he has been misleading from the start. I am sure there are many times you have felt frustrated and lonely in this relationship because of it. It does not have to be that way.

And don''t expect someone to marry you just as you live or move in together. It is not like ticking boxes off. It is always important to share ongoing dialogue to ensure you are on same page. Lots of people happily live together without plans of marriage and this if fine as long as both are honest and open with one another and it works for both of them. Other move in together with intention of marrying as they have discussed it and they may indeed get married. There are never guarantees but you can always be open and honest with one another. Your BF was not.

 

[Hest88]

Ugh. I''m so mad on your behalf. I hate that he''s been stringing you along for all these years. It also worries me that someone who dangles "marriage" so easily could just as easily on the back end use "divorce" as a threat to get you to what he wants. Not that he would physically threaten you, but it disturbs me that he''s using something so important and so fundamental as a bribe. And he has no qualms about doing it over and over again as if you were some kid he needed to fool instead of an adult and equal partner.

 

[aggal06]

I did talk with him some this morning. He said that when people are emotional they tend to say things they don''t really mean. He said at the time when he told me these things he truly wasn''t lying and meant it, such as when he told me it would happen when I got a job. I can understand people being emotional and saying things they don''t mean when they''re in that state of mind. He said that even though he did mean it at the time a few years ago and that I have gotten a job, he agreed that it was kind of a lie or rather a broken promise and he said he was sorry that happened. Ever since I talked to him this morning he''s been acting weird, like more sensitive..maybe he realized that my feelings were pretty hurt by what was said. That''s what it seems like anyway. I just don''t understand why you would lie about lying.

 

[choro72]

-He said he'll get you a ring when you graduate. He didn't.
-He said he'll get you a ring when you get a job. He didn't.
-He said he'll get you a ring when you get a *real* (

)job. He didn't.
-Now he says he has no intention of marrying you.

So...Basically he's been telling you all these years that you aren't good enough for him to marry. Then he confessed to you yesterday that you aren't good enough for him to marry ever.

He is riding you like a horse with a carrot dangling in front. The horse will move towards wherever he pulls the carrot to. As long as he gives the horse occasional feed and petting, it will stay with him loyally.

If you get offended by the horse analogy, just change it to a beautiful swan or whatever. The point is, he is being a manipulative jerk and it's time you reared up and kicked him in the gutter. Personally I would like to see you kick him in a pile of elephant manure.

ETA. I just read your update. It doesn't matter what his intentions are. Nobody treats people badly KNOWING that they are. But the fact remains that he did, and any decent human should know better.

 

[Indylady]

Agal, I am so sorry you are going through this. If I were you, I''d imagine one of my best friend''s telling me what you''ve told us. Then, I''d think about what I would think, what I would want for her, and what I would tell her.

It seems that your SO is toying with your emotions. It seems manipulative.

 

[choro72]

ETA2 I would tell him that I would reconsider him if he managed to swim across and back the Pacific Ocean without break, all the while singing sonnets to you. What was he thinking putting conditions on engagements in the first place?

 

[DuckLovingVegan]

He had the nerve to say when people are emotional the tend to say things they don''t mean. Are you kidding me?! He couldn''t even admit to a full lie he said it was a half lie or whatever. I think the only reason his being sensitive is b/c he thinks you might leave. He told you straight out the first time that they were all lies. This guy has a history of lying and probably is a habitual lier. I wouldn''t even believe him if he told me he was sorry he probably was lying to you and to his self. I agree with the other previous posters one you can''t trust him and two you can''t beleive he''ll be honest. Those are some of the most imporatant things you need as a foundation in a relationship. I say cut your loses and move on I know I would. You don''t deserve to be treated like this it seems like his comfortable with the situation and has no plans to change it. Allow you self the chance to find or let a great guy find you who''s honest and trustworthy. You owe that to your self at the end of the day don''t settle for this guy he''s not worth it at all.

 

[oddoneout]

Dump his sorry, lying behind. You deserve better. How could he do this to you?

 

[VikingP77]

IMHO you are being too nice to him. I''m sure you still love him and it''s hard but manipulative men are not healthy. If the choice is between having a relationship and your dignity you should prioritize your dignity above all else. The second a woman works overtime to make herself fit his criteria, she has lowered the standard of the relationship. You don''t know why he is acting weird. I don''t think he became more sensitive overnight. Don''t reward bad behavior. Don''t believe in this man more than you believe in yourself.

 

[jewelz617]

Have you ever heard that old saying "Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option"?

That definitely applies here.

 

[JSM]

I''m so sorry you are going through this. Just remember that actions speak 1000000 times louder than words.

 

[16ocean]

Aggal06-
I am so sorry to hear you have to experience this kind of pain and emotional upheaval. -big breath. . . . . .. sigh- Know that you are not ALONE. In my past I have walked down a very similar path you are currently on.

His words said one thing his actions another. He never followed through. That is a lie. Multiple times. Multiple lies. Stringing you along.

I am going to quote DLV here: "Allow yourself the chance to find or let a great guy find you who''s honest and trustworthy."
Honest and trustworthy are cornerstones in a healthy loving relationship.

This may be the hardest thing you ever have to go through but often the hardest times of your life are the times you are most proud of later.

 

[Tuckins1]

The thing that bothers me the most is not that he said he would marry you and was less than serious about it, but the reasons he gave you. Each time it made it seem like something YOU were doing wasn''t good enough. YOU have to finish school. YOU have to get a job. YOU have to get a "real" job. What has he been doing to better himself for these past 7 years? If you ask me, YOU are the one with the power. You have a good education and the means to support yourself. (You have proven that) Think about what YOU want out of life, and see if he you want him to be a part of that future!

 

[lulu]

Do you own a house together?

 

[Blackpaw]

Agg im so sorry you''re going through this

i know it must be heartbreaking that this man you''ve made your life with for so long has made so light of your life together.

I do think that you deserve better, you deserve respect, and you deserve that from yourself and from a future husband. It doesnt sound like this man is the one to give you that.

i really hope you feel better, and this works out for the best for you. And please remember to make this about YOU and what you want, need and deserve...

*HUGS*