Need opinions/advice re. what to do with ex-wedding album

[monarch64]

So, as many of you know, I''m going through a divorce. I will be filing the papers in court tomorrow, as they have finally been signed by both of us. I''ve gone through a lot of things like scrapbooks, old cards, letters, etc., have sold my e-ring, am going to sell my wedding band and several other pieces of jewelry I was given by my ex. I have an issue that I can''t seem to make a decision about, though, and that is what to do with the wedding album and also the proofs and many other photos we had made from said proofs.

It''s a large, leather-bound album containing probably 100 photos. My issue or the reason I''m debating this, is not that I have a need to hang on to pics of us together. It''s more that there are some nice pics of my family with me, and the fact that I loved how the pics of me turned out that day, I was in great shape and really looked my best. I also really loved the style of photography, my gown, etc. I am really unsure what to do with it. We did not have children, and I don''t think anyone, like other family members on either side, is interested in having the album. I just hate to throw it out in the garbage, but I don''t know what else to do with it! I don''t want to keep it, really...it''s just a reminder of a negative time in my life. I guess I''m asking if anyone has gone through this before and can provide insight or give advice. Keeping it really serves no purpose, but tossing it seems very wasteful. Thanks in advance for any comments.

 

[sba771]

My mom kept hers. It is in her box but she saved it for us kids and a little for herself. She said aside from the pictures of her and my dad, she loved every other one because there were pictures of her father who died shortly after and other family and friends who have passed away.
Since you don''t have kids, could you maybe deconstruct it? Pull out the pictures of family/friends you want to save and create a new album or folder then toss the others?

 

[onvacation]

First of all, a big congrats to you! You''ve come a long way, and I''m glad it''s finally coming to a close. You deserve that fresh start and so much more.

I know of others who have a different mentality regarding this issue, but I have held on to some keepsakes from past relationships because I think they define who I am now. Sure, it''s not very pleasant to look back on some memories, but if I destroyed and toss out everything from the periods that I had past relationships, I would have very little to remember my late teens and early 20s by. Not that my life revolved around men, I suppose I would have pictures from family albums and some with friends, but that there''s NO ME now without that period. For example, I went through a pretty miserable college life because of this one loser boyfriend that I had. Looking back at pictures taken then, I still shudder at the thought of what could have been and thank my lucky stars that I don''t live that lifestyle anymore. Since they aren''t very pleasant pictures to look at, I don''t spend a whole lot of time looking into them, of course, but I do take them out once in a while, oh, say, whenever I move, or do a big clean out - maybe once every two years or so. My husband knows about this, and I''ve talked to him about why I insist on keeping the stuff. He''s seen most of it.

Oh wow it''s late and I''m rambling. Bottom line is, I''d hang on to the wedding album just in case, even if it''s to show the kids in case they ask when they are much older. I''ve never been through a divorce or experienced one by a very close family member, so I don''t know if this would be applicable, but I remember wondering what the men my mom turned down before I met my dad were like. I remember asking my parents about it. Looking back, I suppose it was a really stupid thing to do, but it helped me understand my parents and their relationship a lot better. I really understood why they had picked each other as life partners, because before, I could imagine them with other people. (weird, I know) But it gave me a sense of security, knowing that my mom had turned down all those hotties who all sound like pretty powerful men now, for Dad, and vice versa. Many of the women in the pictures he showed me (actually, mom showed me the album) were prettier than my mom. There was even a picture of one lady that my grandmother supposedly was pushing for! Still, he chose Mom, and they just celebrated their 29th this year. But since you don''t have kids, I dunno if they will want to even hear about your ex. Might be a bit traumatic for them to swallow when they''re younger?

Argh, I''m straying again. Monnie, it''s an album filled with pictures of YOUR WEDDING. It''s YOUR experience. You said it yourself; it''s a document of a day in your life when you were young, radiant, and happy. (There are probably pictures in there with your parents looking younger than they are now and pretty darn happy too!) Please don''t undervalue it just because it''s a bad memory now? Just stick it up in the attic - er, some box somewhere deep in the storage space in your apartment - and deal with it later. Out of sight, out of mind!

Despite everything you''ve been through, I can''t imagine it''ll be easy tomorrow in court. Just think about all the beautiful people in your life that want you to be happy, and pretend you''re submitting your get out of jail free card. I''ll be praying for you, H!

P.S. - It''s late, and I''m worried that I might wake up in the morning and find out that I''ve written something that''s hurtful somehow. If you see this and do find a passage that is insensitive, please know that it''s not intentional at all! Sweet dreams

 

[monarch64]

Sba and OV, thank you for your replies! I''m not working tomorrow and I''m up far too late tonight. Two weeks after I left the marriage and was staying with my parents summer before last I wrote this and saved it to my computer:

"Who gets the wedding album?
Do you take half, and he takes half?
Do either of us want it?
Will we miss not being able to look at it, or will be glad we don’t have to anymore?
$2000 to capture the day, a lot of debt, and just under five years later I took it with me
Even though I won’t want to look at those pictures for any other reason than to marvel at how thin and healthy I was that year.
So who gets stuck with it, who gets burdened by it in the end?
Who gets to store it in the back of a closet where it will collect dust, until one day one of us is moving, or doing a thorough closet-cleaning, and next thing you know, tears are flowing and tissues are being searched for, not due to dust but the deluge of memories that will come flooding back.
There might be a little voice asking what’s in the box…which one of us will have to explain that once upon a time, a long time before mommy met daddy, there was another marriage and those two people loved each other very much, but things didn’t work out.
Or will it sit on an apartment closet shelf until one day a girlfriend or boyfriend decides to open Pandora’s Box on their own, and develops their own perception of who you were without you there to narrate and explain that you looked happy enough, but it wasn’t real. Even if you are there to look through it with them, that inevitable question is going to come up: “Why are you keeping this?” To which you will most surely reply: “I don’t know,” and the two of you might sit there and ponder all the possible reasons one would be mad enough to keep 7 years of issues and struggles leather-bound and boxed up neatly in their closet when they have supposedly moved on with their life.
At one point in time, it was the one thing you told yourself you would grab if the house ever caught fire. It’s a $2000 box full of dead animal skin and paper that in the end no one wants. The end."


Obviously that''s a very personal thing to share, and some of my feelings have changed but mostly they haven''t. Having photos of my parents and family with me is very meaningful--my father was very very ill with cancer that day and actually went through the first of his extensive surgeries two days after the wedding, unbeknownst to me. My mother was in the ER the night before the wedding and immediately following a bridal shower given to me by my aunts (her sisters) due to stress and eating something that didn''t agree with her. I was undaunted and just went through with everything but looking back I realize how precious life is and how many lengths my family went to to provide me with a wonderful wedding and reception out of their comfort zone. (Ex insisted on having the proceedings take place in his territory/home turf.) I guess I should pull out the family/me pics only and keep those? I''ve contemplated this several times over the past year and a half but still have yet to make a decision.

Sba: thanks for sharing your mom''s experience. It''s been tough trying to sort out what to do here, and your input is very helpful.

OV: you''re always giving me great perspective and assistance! Nothing of what you wrote seemed insensitive to me, I appreciate your candor! (Sp!?) You''ve given me some things to think about and weigh as far as my decision, and I''m very appreciative. I''ve discussed this very issue with SO and we''ve come up with several options but I can''t seem to make a decision still. It''s nothing that has to be done RIGHT NOW but I would like to get the matter resolved before he and I move forward, yanno? He is very supportive and understanding about my situation, but this is one of those things I need to decide on my own and deal with I suppose.

I think in the end I would just like to be rid of it. It just seems like the final, logical step to closing the door on that phase of my life. I wouldn''t mind keeping some of the photos...then again, it seems weird to me. Still holding out for more insight I think. Thanks, all. Good thing court isn''t until 1 pm today and I took the day off!

 

[rainwood]

Monarch -

I think you should keep the photo album but put it away for a year or two and see how you feel then. You can always throw it away or deconstruct it later if you still feel the same. But if you throw away the album now and then regret not having the photos of your family, it will be harder and probably more expensive to get them back assuming your photographer even keeps the photos that long.

 

[havernell]

This is the type of photo album that you can pull photos out of right (rather than a photo book where the photos are printed on the page)?

If so, I would pull all of the photos out of the album and then, sometime in the future after you''ve gone on a fabulous vacation or something, re-use the book itself to make a new photo album. Then you won''t feel guilty about throwing a nice leather book in the garbage, but it won''t be an album of your wedding anymore.

As for the photos, I think that personally I would keep the stack of photos somewhere in a closet. Maybe not all of them, but at least the shots of you and your family, you looking gorgeous in your gown, and a few "highlight" photos of the day, including ones in which your ex-husband is pictured.

Similar to a previous poster, my mom was briefly married and divorced once before she and my dad got married. I''ve never seen the wedding album from her first marriage (actually, I''ve never asked her if she kept it...) but she and her ex-husband went to college together, so I''ve seen a few photos of him in her college albums and in her yearbook. This may sound weird, but to be honest, as a child of my Mom''s, getting to see photos of her first husband made it easier for me to ask her about her past, which helped me to learn that sometimes, despite good intentions and good people (my mom is good!), relationships just don''t work. It also made me feel really good that my mom was willing to open up and talk about something that was really difficult for her, if that makes any sense- I valued that she trusted me to hear the story and that she didn''t feel the need to hide anything from me. Somehow I feel that if there were no photos of "him," her first marriage would have felt like a taboo subject. But, remembering our past and sharing our life experiences (good or bad) with our kids is healthy and important, in my opinion.

So, that''s what sprang to my mind when I read your post. But, if your gut feeling is saying to trash the whole thing, then follow your gut. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. Hugs!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

First, congrats on things moving along. I know it''s been a long time coming and I hope you find some closure in the coming weeks. My mom was married once before she met my dad. "Danny" was her first love, but they married young and it didn''t last. Growing up we always knew about him, but he was kind of a mystery. We were always curious about him and their life together. She saved her album and she was able to show it to us when we were old enough to understand the concept of love and marriage not always being forever. That album, while carrying sad memories for my mom, is a window into who she was at that time of her life. She and my father eloped (she actually left Danny for my father) and so this album is the only time I''ve seen her in a wedding dress. Even though this man wasn''t my father, he was an important part of my mom''s life and helped to shape the woman I love and admire today. I treasure those pictures today and the relationship has no bearing on that.

I would keep the album. Put it in a box and pack it away. You''ll have it but you won''t have to see it or think about it. You may want it some day, or even if you don''t want it. Your kids may want it.

 

[FancyDiamond]

I would keep the album for the reasons stated in previous posts. Store it somewhere for a few years and see how you feel about keeping or destroying the album.

In the meantime, you can be selective about what you want to keep. This is what I do with non-ideal photos. Scan the photos and use computer software to crop (keep only portion of the photo that you want) and modify at will (adjust lighting/contrast and etc.). The image quality wil not be 100% but close (95%). This way, you can keep all the good memories (such as when and how you look the best and your loved ones).

 

[oddoneout]

I agree with scanning the pics you want to keep and cropping out the bits you don''t want. However I wouldn''t just throw them out...I would destroy them somehow. I think destroying the pictures would be a good purge. I''ve destroyed some stuff before (not pictures but stuff) and I felt a lot better after. It was like getting rid of the past.

 

[meresal]

My sister keeps her first marriage photo album at our parents house, with all of the other siblings "parents albums".

She doesn''t have to see it everyday, but those of us that like looking at the family pictures can still skim thru every now and then.

 

[Cehrabehra]

if you have children - keep the whole shabang. If you don''t - keep at least one nice pic of the two of you and any family photos.

My mother kept her wedding album and I loved looking through it - especially after they were divorced... my stepfather burned it in a drunken rage one night and those are all gone and it breaks my heart.

 

[Novel]

Congrats on moving forward! My mother kept the album from her first marriage, too, even though they had no kids. For my sisters and I, when we found it (individually), it was an amazing glimpse into her life before. It was great to see pictures of my grandparents and great aunt and uncle, but it also helped us understand that these things happen, life goes on, and that people rebuild. Also, that our mom had a life before us, and that is a precious lesson.

 

[joflier]

I''ve kept mine. Its just tucked away in a drawer somewhere. The fact of the matter is, I can''t erase that chapter out of my life, no matter what I do with the ''evidence''. It''s part of my history. And there are some photos in there of people and family members that I love and that ARE part of my life, that I would hate to destroy. Just because I''m wearing a white dress in those particular pictures, doesn''t make them any less valuable to me.
Awhile back, my mom had asked me to please not throw it away. She said that if I really wanted to do that, then please give the album to her, and she''d store it away. Then when I clean out her things, years later, and if I still want to toss it, I can.....So that''s another thought. If you don''t want it around for now, give it to your parents to store for awhile, and then, like others have suggested, if you still want to pitch it after some time has gone by, then you can do so. Good luck.

 

[asscherisme]

I kept mine for my kids.

The thing that made it a no brainer was that when my dad died a few years back, my brother and I had the awful task of sorting through all his belongings and we found stuff we had NO idea he had and had never seen. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I assumed they had destroyed all wedding photos because I had never seen any.

We found this beautiful amazing wedding album from 1964 of my parents wedding. Even though my parents were not a couple, to see photos of them young and beautiful, as well as photos of my grandparents so young and aunts and uncles was a HUGE treat. I so cherish owing that album now. My brother let me keep it under the condition I scanned the photos into electronic format and now we both have it that way as well.

So don''t do anything rash.

I know my kids will be glad I kept mine. Plus, I looked the best I ever looked on that day and their dad looked great too, plus there are so many relatives that have since passed away that are alive in my wedding album photos (including my dad, both my grandpas, 2 great aunts, my husbands aunts). Just so many cherished family photos. Its a piece of family history for them.

I have it tucked away safely and don''t look at it but definately want to keep it for them.

Even if I had no kids, I think I would keep it simply for the wonderful photos of my relatives who are no longer living.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It is obviously important to you (b/c of pictures with your family and how YOU felt that day) so I say keep it. You can decide later to burn it, throw it out or otherwise get rid of it but once you do that there is no going back. So I would wait to make the decision. Stick it in a closet and revisit the issue later. Many congrats to your divorce! I know what a toxic relationship it was for you and it is wonderful that you can finally move on. I don''t think keeping the album is anyway holding you back. It''s okay to remember the good times with him as they are now part of your story. As long as you don''t confuse it with regret I don''t see a problem with it.

 

[TravelingGal]

Keep it. It''s still an important part of your life and it contributed to who you are today, which is a good thing.

 

[Sha]

I kept my album from my previous (brief) marriage, at 23. It''s stuck up on the highest shelf in our old house (where my brother lives now). It didn''t feel right to just throw all the memories away - but at the same time, I didn''t want it ''in close sight'' either. I say you should keep it, but store it somewhere so that it doesn''t become a constant negative reminder of what once was.

 

[monarch64]

Wow! Thank you all for the advice and opinions. I will be referring back to this thread as I contemplate this decision. I don''t have a lot of people in my life I can bounce this sort of question off, so it''s extremely helpful to me to read your responses. Most of my friends are married with children and are enjoying successful relationships so they aren''t great to go to with all of this. PSr''s rock!

 

[movie zombie]

put it in a box, bury in the back of a closet for 3-5 years. deal with it then. you''ve enough on your plate and your dealing really well with all of it. but as others stated, you don''t want to regret losing a picture of you and/or a family member because you trashed the thing. you could also give the appropriate pictures to the appropriate family members now if you wanted.

mz

ps you could also cut the pictures up and make a collage of some sort.......

 

[kama_s]

Monnie, can you maybe keep parts of the album? If it were me, I would throw out all our personal pictures (i.e., of just you and your ex) and keep pipctures that include family and friends.

Congrats for filing the papers today. I''m sure the moment will be bittersweet for you, but I am so excited for all the wonderful memories and experience that are waiting to happen for you. *hugs*

 

[february2003bride]

My DH was married before and while he didn''t have his wedding album (his ex took that), he did have several pictures, some huge 11x14''s, of their wedding day. He had them in a box until one day he was moving, we had been dating 6 months at that point and I was helping him pack up. He needed to go through the box of photos (also included vacation pictures) and asked if I wanted to go through them with him. I agreed (I''ll admit, out of curiosity) and during those 4 hours we went through the box, he really opened up about their marriage (the good and the bad) and I got to learn so much about his life before me. He did end up throwing all of the pictures away because he felt it was time. At that point they had been offically divorce a year and he was in a serious relationship with me.

You don''t have to keep the whole album. Take out the pictures that are dearest to you and throw the rest away. Or keep the whole album until you are ready to decide what you really want to do with it. ((Hugs))

 

[tlh]

Keep it. Yeah, it was a bad time in your life - but it was a time in your life. It isn''t something you''ll look at everyday... but when you are 60,70,80,90 - it might be nice to see pictures of you looking young and awesome - and the family members around you- that may have since departed. It would be a shame to let that possibility go...as by then you''ll have had an entire lifetime to build good memories, and hopefully only a few bad ones.. and the pain, of your dissolved marriage - won''t be so fresh - and hopefully no longer painful. But I say you put it out of sight for 5-10 years.. and see how you feel... for in that time it may not be a reminder of your cruddy marriage, as your eyes may just naturally crop him out... if you hadn''t had that done anyway.

hugs!

 

[gemgirl]

I kept mine from my first marriage. After all, I''m in the pictures too. It''s not all about my ex-husband. It''s in the attic. I look at it once every ten years or so and have a few snickers (I got married the first time in 1976). I won''t throw mine out. It''s also an "I survived" kind of thing.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think you should keep it Monnie. Put it away in a closet.... You might regret throwing it away years from now..

 

[elrohwen]

You say you didn''t have kids with him, but what if you have kids later in life? I think those kids would some day love to see pictures of you looking young and gorgeous, even if it was when you married your first husband. I don''t think I''d save the proofs or the extra prints, but I''d probably keep the album and tuck it away somewhere.

 

[monarch64]

It is so comforting to read all of these responses, thank you. I think my real issue was not knowing that it was ok to keep it, or parts of it (the album). Hearing it--or seeing it on the screen--has helped me come to the conclusion that I will keep it at my parents'' house where it is now and deal with it sometime in the future. I never gave serious thought to the possibility of my children (someday, hopefully) seeing the pictures or not being able to. My parents eloped and had very few pictures of their wedding day, so I''ve never considered that my children might miss out on seeing their mother as she was years and years ago, as well as people they may never meet. It''s a nice thought.

I''m not one to start threads seeking advice typically, but this really has been a good thing and I''m glad I put it out there. Thanks again, everyone.

I should have a judgement on the divorce in January. Relief!

 

[somethingshiny]

Monnie~ I think you''ve made a good decision. Just asking the question was enough evidence that you''re not ready to part with it. It''s definitely okay to keep it!! You may completely change your mind in 2-3 years when you''re in Hawaii eloping on the beach with your new man! (oh, and you''re rocking a smokin'' white bikini!!)

You''ve come through so much! I''m very proud of you!!!

Big (((((hugs)))))

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 10/23/2009 2:15:33 AM
Author:monarch64

It''s a large, leather-bound album containing probably 100 photos. My issue or the reason I''m debating this, is not that I have a need to hang on to pics of us together. It''s more that there are some nice pics of my family with me, and the fact that I loved how the pics of me turned out that day, I was in great shape and really looked my best. I also really loved the style of photography, my gown, etc. I am really unsure what to do with it. We did not have children, and I don''t think anyone, like other family members on either side, is interested in having the album. I just hate to throw it out in the garbage, but I don''t know what else to do with it! I don''t want to keep it, really...it''s just a reminder of a negative time in my life. I guess I''m asking if anyone has gone through this before and can provide insight or give advice. Keeping it really serves no purpose, but tossing it seems very wasteful. Thanks in advance for any comments.

burn it !!

 

[Kaleigh]

I just wanted to say, I am so happy all is great with you Monnie and that you have found love again. From what I know of you, it couldn''t have happened to a nicer person.

Having the album at your parent;s house sounds like a great idea. Outta sight, outta mind.... But there if you want to show your future kiddos and what not... Very wise...

 

[Bliss]

I would definitely keep it! I echo sending it your parents, if possible.

It''s a part of you... be proud of who you are, mistakes and all! We''ve all made them and are better people for it! It''s your authentic life... that was a beautiful day regardless of what happened in your marriage. Then again, do whatever you need to do. It all depends on what you feel, but it sounds like you would like to keep it. Don''t feel guilty or bad for keeping it. (((HUGS)))