Need help with MIL and alcoholic boyfriend

[Logan Sapphire]

My husband asked his mom if she wanted to come to DC to visit in the spring. She said yes, then asked if we minded if her live-in boyfriend came too. Annoyingly enough, my husband said yes, although one would have to sleep on the twin bed in our den and the other would have to take the couch (we only live in a tiny 1 bR condo). It annoys me to no end that she can''t live without her boyfriend, and has to take him everywhere. She only sees her son once a year, usually at the holidays, so I would think she might like some one-on-one time with him.

I don''t like her boyfriend. He is an alcoholic, condescending, and verbally abusive to her. In fact, last Christmas, she kicked him out of her house for about a year, b/c he was being abusive to her, and using her financially. I''ve told my husband that when we have kids, he is not welcome in our home. From the minute he gets up to the middle of the night, he''s drinking, and he smokes like a chimney. He will DRIVE a car with a big plastic cup filled with straight liquor.

Other than un-inviting the boyfriend, which I''ve told my husband to do, how do I be gracious to him when he''s in my tiny condo? Did I go too far in telling my husband to tell his mom that it''d be nice to see her by herself? I know I won''t enjoy my visit with my mother-in-law if he comes. I need coping tips!

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh geez, that sucks. Can''t you just tell your husband that she is welcome but the boyfriend isn''t. I bet he doesn''t care for the way the boyfriend treats his mom. At least one would think. If the boyfriend must come how about having them stay at a near by hotel?? I feel for you, I really do.

 

[sevens one]

Oh Geez LS this is just awful.
What did hubby say when you asked him to un-invite the BF?

Otherwise- make the best of it- but if BF gets out of line- give him the boot!

Actually if all else fails; Come stay with me! I''m only about 20 minutes from ya!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

He nodded his head, like it was an option he hadn''t even considered. I guess I''ll learn to accept that BF is part of MIL''s life, but when they''re at MY house, we play by MY rules.

Nan- I may come stay with you after all!!

 

[sevens one]

Date: 1/25/2006 8:36:25 PM
Author: Logan Sapphire
He nodded his head, like it was an option he hadn''t even considered. I guess I''ll learn to accept that BF is part of MIL''s life, but when they''re at MY house, we play by MY rules.

Nan- I may come stay with you after all!!

You''re more than welcome!!!

 

[moon river]

I agree with Kaleigh. Get info on a couple of hotels in your area and tell her you''d be happy to make reservations for them. There is no reason for you to be stressed because of the actions of others, especially in your own home.

 

[Kaleigh]

Tell them they would be more comfortable in a near by hotel and that the smoke gets to your adult onset asthma. Make something up. I would no more put up with that than fly as Nanny would say. Having them visit sounds stressful enough, so having them stay elsewhere sounds like a plan. If that fails, go stay with Nan. I know she would love to have you!!!

 

[sevens one]

Date: 1/25/2006 9:40:33 PM
Author: kaleigh
Tell them they would be more comfortable in a near by hotel and that the smoke gets to your adult onset asthma. Make something up. I would no more put up with that than fly as Nanny would say. Having them visit sounds stressful enough, so having them stay elsewhere sounds like a plan. If that fails, go stay with Nan. I know she would love to have you!!!

Yeah and we don''t smoke; we drink just a little bit

 

[strmrdr]

Do you and your husband smoke in the house?

If not put up huge no-smoking signs and no ashtrays and hide all the booze.
make it no fun for the creep and he wont want to come back

 

[movie zombie]

your house, your rules.

she''s welcome to stay but the place is too small for two more people and if he''s coming they''ll need to get a room so they can have their privacy. that''s what i''d tell her.

and if i had to, i''d pick up the tab for a cheap room for them at a motel 6......they can upgrade to another place if they prefer.

movie zombie

 

[msdarlinjoy]

Why is it that sometimes ...
Darling husbands that they may be ...
open mouth & insert foot?

You should stand your ground. You agreed to let Mother-in-law come and stay for a week, not for MIL & boyfried. Tell DH to call his mom, and explain that you both would love to have her come and visit, and due to the lack of space and privacey for all involved ... You only have one bed for someone to sleep on, and that was orringinally intended for her.

I think it is rude and an invaison of your daily routine, comfort level & privacy to have a third person sleep on your couch. What if you want to stay up, and he wants to sleep?

Have DH explain to Momma, that if she is going to visit w/BF that he will be more than happy to help her make hotel arrangements so that she & BF have their privacy too. You notice I said "help her" ... she needs to take some responsibility in this as well, since she is wanting BF to come along with her, it should be at her expense ... not yours.

Also, as it was said above ... Clearly have house rules established prior to them visiting. Make sure that Mom has explained to BF that when they are visiting you in your home, that he will not be permitted to smoke, or drink alcohol. Maybe he will graciously bow out!

Does you and/or your husband have to work during any of this visit? I don''t know about you, but that would really suck having a nicotine infested, alcohol marinated slug on my couch when I have to get to bed at a decent hour and get up for work the next day!

Good luck with this tricky situation.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/26/2006 3:21:37 AM
Author: Mrs Darlin Joy





Does you and/or your husband have to work during any of this visit? I don''t know about you, but that would really suck having a nicotine infested, alcohol marinated slug on my couch when I have to get to bed at a decent hour and get up for work the next day!

You certainly have a way with words.....ROFLMAO!! Very apt!

 

[Caribou]

Oh Logan, I so feel your pain.

When I was 26, I was engaged to a guy whose father was an alcoholic...well so my boyfriend but I was blinded by that at the time

. I hated his father. He disliked me too but only because he was jealous of me, he didn''t like that my boyfriend had someone who took any time from him.

His father didn''t drink from the moment he woke up, neither did my boyfriend, and I actually liked him when he was sober. But the minute he started drinking, he would either hit on me or tell my boyfriend to get rid of me right in front of me. My boyfriend never said anything to him and told me that the only way to fix it is for me to stand up to him.

It got the point that if I knew his dad was coming around, I would get so stressed out I''d make myself sick.

Finally one night we were at the marina we kept our boat at, his dad started in on me and I just lost it, started sobbing and left. Later, my boyfriend told me that he was pissed that his dad made me that upset and told him that if this continues his behavior he''s going to make him have to choose between his girlfriend or his dad and he wouldn''t like who he chose.

Fortunately for me the relationship didn''t work out but because of his f*d up dad, I am very leery when I met boyfriends parents especially their dad. Thank God, my fiance''s dad is cool, although he''s imtimidating looking, he''s such a nice sweet wise man.

 

[lmurden]

Logan Sapphire,

Thanks for sharing, we all have a family issues.

I would say that you and your husband should discuss the ground rules with each other before they come. Also make sure that your feelings are being respected and that you aren''t taken for granted. No matter what you and your husband should stand as a united front when dealing with your MIL and boyfriend. Good Luck!