Need help? How to deal with his friends ... ?

[24k]

So I''ve mentioned in a couple of my posts that my SO''s friends and I (well, like 2 of them) don''t get along that well. I have tried so hard at this situation for months now and I have no idea what on earth to do. I firmly believe our relationship will not work out if his friends can''t accept me as a part of his life, but some of them refuse.

They have been this tight-knit group going back to childhood. The two people who have significant (and completely unreasonable) problems with me are a female friend of his, and his best friend''s brand new wife. The reason they don''t like me is because they have mis-judged actions of mine (or non-actions, such as keeping quiet at get togethers) and made the mistake in thinking that everything I do somehow has something to do with them. One of them actually started drama over a Facebook status. Seriously.

Most of his friends have, thankfully, come around and begun being nicer to me and actually bothering to include me in things. But the 2 girls still hate my guts to the high heavens. They invite my SO to parties they have but don''t invite me!! I find it to be completely disgusting behavior. My problem lies here: I am not the kind of girl who would tell him he can''t be friends with these people. That isn''t my choice to make. However, he is hurting because he is being forced to choose between his friends and his love. I''ve had friends say they would dump him if he didn''t leave his friends for me, but I don''t agree with that.

So we are constantly both miserable because his friends pick fights with me, refuse to invite me to things, etc. I''ve spent so many hours crying over this and I just want things to get better. I don''t think I will EVER like these 2 girls after how I''ve been treated. But I can at least tolerate them for SO''s sake. However, I just can''t see how things will ever get better if these girls refuse to invite me to things but keep inviting him, keep talking about me behind my back, etc.

WHAT ON EARTH AM I TO DO??? Oh, and in case you were wondering? These girls are 25 and 26... just in case you thought I was talking about 14 year olds.

 

[LilyKat]

I don''t care whether he''s "hurting" or not. YOU are his girlfriend. YOU should be his number one priority, not two girls he happens to be friends with. Their behaviour towards you is atrocious.

He needs to talk to them and explain that he will not tolerate their behaviour towards you and that if it happens even once more, their friendship is over. Any invitations which do not include you should be tossed in the bin without a second thought. If this makes them really change and behave better, I would give them a chance for the sake of keeping the peace. If not, he needs to get rid of them.

I would explain to him that the situation is intolerable for you and that you are not prepared to have your self-esteem dragged any lower. I wouldn''t dictate that he should dump them because you say so, but I would say to him: if he comes as a package with these friends, and he is not prepared to change the situation, it may be that you are not the right girl for him.

These people are not true friends to him if they would be willing to intentionally hurt someone he loves. He needs to get himself a spine and start standing up for you. If he can''t do it now, how is he going to in your future lives together? Personally, I would not be in a relationship with someone who continued to be friends with people who repeatedly and deliberately hurt me.

 

[24k]

Ugh, girl... everything you said is everything I''ve said to him in recent months. This almost broke us up. His best friend and friend-zilla #2 got married on New Year''s Day and I ended up leaving the location day-of and coming home over friends-hating-24k drama.

I think a big part of our issue is he has a lot of personal issues he never addressed, stemming from his parents'' divorce, and it wasn''t until this past week that he ever made any attempt at addressing them. So he is NOT one to stand up to people, especially these people he for some reason cares so much about.

I recently told him I just want him to stand up for me, that that is really important to me, and he finally began telling his friends how much I mean to him and that they need to start including me in things and treating me better. He isn''t the type of person to "break up" with a friend (I -totally- am, if you treat me badly, you''re out) so I don''t expect him to just drop these girls. They''re not even particularly close with him, however they are major puppet-string-pullers in this odd little group they have going. I think time would remedy a lot of things because we plan on moving far, far away from here someday and I don''t think he''d keep in good touch with either of them. But for now, we have serious issues going on, and they suck!!!


My first post makes me sound like such a drama queen.. I hate that. The whole situation is like that. These girls do something, I react, and *I* look like the nasty one.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 1/25/2010 4:05:41 AM
Author: 24k
Ugh, girl... everything you said is everything I've said to him in recent months. This almost broke us up. His best friend and friend-zilla #2 got married on New Year's Day and I ended up leaving the location day-of and coming home over friends-hating-24k drama.


I think a big part of our issue is he has a lot of personal issues he never addressed, stemming from his parents' divorce, and it wasn't until this past week that he ever made any attempt at addressing them. So he is NOT one to stand up to people, especially these people he for some reason cares so much about.


I recently told him I just want him to stand up for me, that that is really important to me, and he finally began telling his friends how much I mean to him and that they need to start including me in things and treating me better. He isn't the type of person to 'break up' with a friend (I -totally- am, if you treat me badly, you're out) so I don't expect him to just drop these girls. They're not even particularly close with him, however they are major puppet-string-pullers in this odd little group they have going. I think time would remedy a lot of things because we plan on moving far, far away from here someday and I don't think he'd keep in good touch with either of them. But for now, we have serious issues going on, and they suck!!!



My first post makes me sound like such a drama queen.. I hate that. The whole situation is like that. These girls do something, I react, and *I* look like the nasty one.

You don't sound at all like a drama queen! It just sounds like you're in a horrible situation that isn't your fault. I'm glad you've already told him straight out how you feel and what you need him to do. It's a positive step that he's started to tell his friends how much you mean to him and to include you. I hope this continues and he gets more confident about doing it for you. Maybe give him a bit more of a chance then. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide when it becomes a dealbreaker

ETA: sorry to hog your thread! I think we might be the only two posters awake at this time!

 

[Treasure43]

24k I''m so sorry you''re going through this. It sounds like a very hurtful and unpleasent situation for both you and your SO. I agree that it''s a good step that he''s started sticking up for you and telling his friends how much you mean to him. It''s unfortunate when 25 and 26 year olds cannot act like adults and there''s not a whole lot you can do about their behavior, which makes this situation extremely frustrating. It sounds like you''ve tried to make an effort with these girls and they''re just drama queens. I don''t have a whole lot advice for you but I sympathize with you. Hopefully these two will turn around in time. Hopefully they''ll get with it and decide to attempt civility or your SO will decide that he doesn''t want to be around such toxic "friends" anymore. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[oddoneout]

I may be wrong but are these girls jealous of you spending time with your bf? Maybe they like him themselves?

 

[purselover]

I''m sorry you''re in such an awful position it''s always hard when you don''t get along with your SO''s friends. I think it''s pretty obvious these girls aren''t going to just warm up to you one day, but perhaps if you went and made a great effort to be friends with them they would reciprocate? Could you organize a girl''s night out and grab some dinner and drinks and be the bigger person and tell them you''re sorry things got off on the wrong foot but you want to be friends?

 

[sctsbride09]

Ugh. I dont know why some girls have to be so catty.And I say girls because thats what they are, this type of behavior is acceptable for junior high kids, but a married woman?

They seriously need to grow up. But honestly, if I was in your situation, I would just not be around them EVER. Why should you subject yourself to this behavior? I mean if your BF still actually wants to hang out with these people (and I cant see a reason too) let him go by himself. If you end up staying together, he is not likely to tolerate this himself, eventually he will cut them off too.

 

[jewelz617]

I would encourage your boyfriend to arrange a dinner party at his house. If there's been negativity, why can't everyone get together and discuss it like adults?

Kill them with kindness! Make a delicious meal, dessert, some nice wine, and get everyone sitting down together for an open and honest discussion.

This will allow them the chance to "say it to your face" and for you to give your side of whatever these issues may be. Even if they don't want to attend, it will show your boyfriend that you are ready and WILLING to deal with all this drama in a mature, classy way.

If your guy's friends are true friends to him, they will want to come. If not, it's their loss. Keep your distance and don't waste another second on silly, petty people.

 

[rierie26]

How long have you been dating your bf? Maybe it''s some sort of unintentional hazing thing, like they are insular and hate any new people until you become not so new or someone else comes along to hate?

Do you think they dislike you due to misunderstandings or are they just being mean girls? If it''s due to misunderstandings, then I say you should work it out between the three of you (maybe have your bf there as support) so that it doesn''t fester much longer. If it''s just them being jerks, maybe you could just avoid having to spend time with them? I don''t know how your social group interacts, but I don''t go to some gatherings with my bf as there are a few people he''s friends with that I''m not fond of. He doesn''t like it, but then he knows it makes me uncomfortable and accepts my decision to not go.

I''m sorry you''re going through this. I totally understand where you''re coming from as I had something similar happen to me with one of bf''s friends earlier in our relationship.

 

[princesss]

U-N-I-T-E-D F-R-O-N-T

24k isn''t invited, BF doesn''t go. They talk smack about 24k, BF tells them it''s unacceptable and leaves. They did it at first because they didn''t like you, they''ve kept doing it because he lets them. Until he puts his foot down and shows them he will not allow you to be treated like that, or spoken about, they''ll keep doing it because they think he''s not serious about you. To them, a guy that was really serious about his GF wouldn''t let stuff like this happen.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 1/25/2010 12:35:34 PM
Author: princesss
U-N-I-T-E-D F-R-O-N-T

24k isn''t invited, BF doesn''t go. They talk smack about 24k, BF tells them it''s unacceptable and leaves. They did it at first because they didn''t like you, they''ve kept doing it because he lets them. Until he puts his foot down and shows them he will not allow you to be treated like that, or spoken about, they''ll keep doing it because they think he''s not serious about you. To them, a guy that was really serious about his GF wouldn''t let stuff like this happen.

Huge, huge, huge, DITTO to everything princesss said.

 

[stepcutgirl]

Date: 1/25/2010 12:35:34 PM
Author: princesss
U-N-I-T-E-D F-R-O-N-T



24k isn''t invited, BF doesn''t go. They talk smack about 24k, BF tells them it''s unacceptable and leaves. They did it at first because they didn''t like you, they''ve kept doing it because he lets them. Until he puts his foot down and shows them he will not allow you to be treated like that, or spoken about, they''ll keep doing it because they think he''s not serious about you. To them, a guy that was really serious about his GF wouldn''t let stuff like this happen.

A HUGE Thritto!

 

[4ever]

I''m pro the dinner party idea-Invite these girls round and confront them in a non-threatning way about their behaviour. Ask what excactly you have done to offend them and how you can make it better. And as long as you keep cool, calm and rational they look like the bad guys not you.

I had a situation where mysister hated my BF. Would say mean things about him all the time, wouldn''t talk to him and would tell anyone who listens what she thought of him. I started up a conversation with her when she was in a good mood and then asked her what exactly it was she didn''t like about him. She named some personality traits bf dosn''t have so I asked her what events led her to belive this and she could not think of one time. In the end she realised she was just unhappy I was in a serious relationship and didn''t want me to get hurt. So she''s still not BFs biggest fan but she''ll be nice to him and talk to him and dosn''t say things behind his back. Problem solved.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 1/25/2010 2:38:08 AM
Author: LilyKat
I don''t care whether he''s ''hurting'' or not. YOU are his girlfriend. YOU should be his number one priority, not two girls he happens to be friends with. Their behaviour towards you is atrocious.

I don''t even need to read any further because I agree wholeheartedly with this statement.

And let me just say this:

A female best friend that can''t even make the effort to be friends with the girl he''s discussing marriage with = a female best friend that wants something more.

Period.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/25/2010 4:49:54 PM
Author: fiery

Date: 1/25/2010 2:38:08 AM
Author: LilyKat
I don''t care whether he''s ''hurting'' or not. YOU are his girlfriend. YOU should be his number one priority, not two girls he happens to be friends with. Their behaviour towards you is atrocious.

I don''t even need to read any further because I agree wholeheartedly with this statement.

And let me just say this:

A female best friend that can''t even make the effort to be friends with the girl he''s discussing marriage with = a female best friend that wants something more.

Period.

Yup.

 

[stepcutgirl]

Thritto again.

 

[24k]

Wow, thank you all for your replies and support. I was seriously half-expecting to come back and see a bunch of "wah wah get over it" posts, hahaha.

You''ve all touched upon amazing points and ideas! For those of you who say the one of them wants something more - you are beyond correct. This girl has once had crushes on every guy in their little group, and I think the one on my SO is perpetual and never going away. She, too, is married...and needs to let go of that possessiveness!

They definitely were ''hazing'' me this past year, it always made me so angry that they seem to think their opinions actually matter. But then what makes me angrier is... clearly, they do! Because SO has, as you guys have said, let them behave this way. It was only recently that he started confronting them...and all but these 2 have admitted the group has been less than inviting towards me and some other people as well.

It''s too bad, because I really like the rest of the group, and I wish we could all hang out together and get along. I know that if I can''t go to the parties they invite me to, my SO won''t go. He cares enough about me that he wouldn''t want me to sit at home alone while he went off with his friends. I hate how immature these people are for as old as they are!!! I -just- turned 23, I''m the youngest person in this group, and I believe the most mature.

 

[rierie26]

Date: 1/25/2010 11:43:03 PM
Author: 24k
Wow, thank you all for your replies and support. I was seriously half-expecting to come back and see a bunch of ''wah wah get over it'' posts, hahaha.


You''ve all touched upon amazing points and ideas! For those of you who say the one of them wants something more - you are beyond correct. This girl has once had crushes on every guy in their little group, and I think the one on my SO is perpetual and never going away. She, too, is married...and needs to let go of that possessiveness!


They definitely were ''hazing'' me this past year, it always made me so angry that they seem to think their opinions actually matter. But then what makes me angrier is... clearly, they do! Because SO has, as you guys have said, let them behave this way. It was only recently that he started confronting them...and all but these 2 have admitted the group has been less than inviting towards me and some other people as well.


It''s too bad, because I really like the rest of the group, and I wish we could all hang out together and get along. I know that if I can''t go to the parties they invite me to, my SO won''t go. He cares enough about me that he wouldn''t want me to sit at home alone while he went off with his friends. I hate how immature these people are for as old as they are!!! I -just- turned 23, I''m the youngest person in this group, and I believe the most mature.

Wah?!?! She''s married and she''s acting this way? I wonder how her husband feels about all this.

Does your bf know she has a crush on him? If he doesn''t, I''d let him know. I was in a similar situation and letting my bf know about how a certain friend''s behaviour showed her feelings helped a lot. Before he didn''t really do anything about her annoying actions

and after I told him he was much better at stopping the behaviour that made me uncomfortable.

 

[24k]

Date: 1/26/2010 1:47:17 AM
Author: Kitcha
Wah?!?! She''s married and she''s acting this way? I wonder how her husband feels about all this.


Does your bf know she has a crush on him? If he doesn''t, I''d let him know. I was in a similar situation and letting my bf know about how a certain friend''s behaviour showed her feelings helped a lot. Before he didn''t really do anything about her annoying actions

and after I told him he was much better at stopping the behaviour that made me uncomfortable.

RIGHT??? Yes, she''s married. I haven''t the slightest idea how her husband feels, or if he even realizes the history she has with these guys (meaning she pined for them from afar, forever). He has separated himself from this group because they have made him feel excluded so long that he just stopped trying. Months and months ago I told my BF about my theories about her. He is girl-oblivious, he''s a decent looking guy and I can guarantee TONS of girls had crushes on him in high school that he never knew about. I told him I''m uncomfortable with their relationship and once I told him, I started feeling a lot better just knowing he knew how I felt and that he was looking at the way he communicated with her differently.

She also has a long-standing unrequited crush on the guy who married friendzilla #2, which the newlywed bride has no idea about. The mean girl in me seriously wishes I could break that news to her and open up a whole new can of worms, hahaha. Darn being a well-behaved grown-up girl.

 

[cinderella0290]

I had an extremely similar problem with my BF''s friends as well and all of the suggestions are right on point. Honestly, those girls never outgrew high school and they probably never will. Your SO just needs his light bulb moment of who he wants more in his life. If he''s acknowledging the horrible things they''re doing to you then I can''t see him letting them stick around for much longer.

 

[24k]

Date: 1/26/2010 12:22:19 PM
Author: cinderella0290
I had an extremely similar problem with my BF''s friends as well and all of the suggestions are right on point. Honestly, those girls never outgrew high school and they probably never will. Your SO just needs his light bulb moment of who he wants more in his life. If he''s acknowledging the horrible things they''re doing to you then I can''t see him letting them stick around for much longer.

Therein lies the problem. Friendzilla #2 and her new husband both deleted me from their Facebook friends list... and SO thinks that is entirely acceptable due to their "hurt feelings" (over something they overheard me say and misinterpreted). How is hurt feelings an excuse to act like a baby!?!?

Fighting about it finally came to a head last week and I screamed at him that it shouldn''t matter who he thinks is right or wrong, he should stand by me regardless and seeing me hurting so badly should be all the motivation he needs to speak to them about changing their actions. We''ll see.. it''s really upsetting to me, this whole thing, and I know no one on this forum or anyone who doesn''t REALLY know him will understand when I say he truly IS a different kind of person than most, and he isn''t being a huge jerk here despite how it may sound. He truly is that ignorant to how his friends truly are, and ignorant to how proper people behave and treat one another. He grew up in this bubble involving ONLY this tiny group of friends. Ughughugh.

We severely need couples counseling and he needs to see a therapist on his own. He will never stand up for me or our relationship until he learns how to stand up for himself first.

 

[jaylex]

Date: 1/25/2010 12:35:34 PM
Author: princesss
U-N-I-T-E-D F-R-O-N-T

24k isn''t invited, BF doesn''t go. They talk smack about 24k, BF tells them it''s unacceptable and leaves. They did it at first because they didn''t like you, they''ve kept doing it because he lets them. Until he puts his foot down and shows them he will not allow you to be treated like that, or spoken about, they''ll keep doing it because they think he''s not serious about you. To them, a guy that was really serious about his GF wouldn''t let stuff like this happen.

Amen, sister!


Poisonous friends can break a relationship.

When fiance and i first started dating, my very closest friend was a guy. We had known each other since elementary school and we spent a lot of time together and talking on the phone. It was EXTREMELY hard on my fiance, especially because my friend acted stand-offish/a-hole-ish to him. There came a time when I knew I HAD to choose between my then-bf-now-fi and my best friend. As hard as it was, I "let" my friend and I spend more and more time apart and stopped answering his late night phone calls until we pretty much stopped talking. We now have NO contact and his life is headed in a totally different direction than mine. I don''t regret it for a minute.

If you and your bf are hoping to get to the point where he is really serious about you, he''s going to have to make the choice too. And if you think that he wouldn''t choose you, then you may want to evaluate your relationship.

And if he''s going to parties without you, that''s not kool either. No, it''s not junior high but It''s common respect to his significant other.


Sorry if i''m being harsh.. i''m really tired lol.

 

[24k]

No, you''re right. And he doesn''t go to parties without me, I don''t really think he would allow that to happen. We''ve been getting better, he really hasn''t done anything about this (he hasn''t even mentioned the party to me... I only saw the invite on FB). I just tend to take lack of invitations to things personally, I always have, especially when my boyfriend is invited. To me that is blatant disrespect of my relationship, and if you don''t respect my relationship or me, I can''t possibly trust you.

 

[asscherisme]

Date: 1/25/2010 12:35:34 PM
Author: princesss
U-N-I-T-E-D F-R-O-N-T

24k isn''t invited, BF doesn''t go. They talk smack about 24k, BF tells them it''s unacceptable and leaves. They did it at first because they didn''t like you, they''ve kept doing it because he lets them. Until he puts his foot down and shows them he will not allow you to be treated like that, or spoken about, they''ll keep doing it because they think he''s not serious about you. To them, a guy that was really serious about his GF wouldn''t let stuff like this happen.

100% agree. These women don''t sound like friends at all. Friends would not do that to someone who they care about and if he is serious about you, treating you with such lack of respect shows an incredible lack of respect to him. I think his actions speak a lot as well. If he is continuting to let them put you down and make you feel bad about yourself, you have to wonder what kind of husband he would be. He should be standing up for you and defending you and if they continue to put you down he should tell them he can''t be around them if they do that. but it should come from him not you. the last thing you should do is tell him who he can and can''t be around. That would make things worse. It should come from him. And if he can''t stand up for you, I would walk. too much drama and if he does not stand up for you now it will only get worse.

 

[24k]

100% agree. These women don''t sound like friends at all. Friends would not do that to someone who they care about and if he is serious about you, treating you with such lack of respect shows an incredible lack of respect to him. I think his actions speak a lot as well. If he is continuting to let them put you down and make you feel bad about yourself, you have to wonder what kind of husband he would be. He should be standing up for you and defending you and if they continue to put you down he should tell them he can''t be around them if they do that. but it should come from him not you. the last thing you should do is tell him who he can and can''t be around. That would make things worse. It should come from him. And if he can''t stand up for you, I would walk. too much drama and if he does not stand up for you now it will only get worse.

See... I totally agree. It''s hard to explain without sounding like I''m just making lame excuses, but I know he doesn''t MEAN to be hurting me, he just doesn''t know how to do anything about the situation. It was only recently that he finally GOT it. These girls ARE NOT good friends, I''m well aware of that and have been trying to convince him of that all the while letting it be HIS decision and not mine. Like I said before, he isn''t even particularly close with either of them, the problem is is that they both pull lots of puppet strings amongst their stupid little group. It took me a year to get his other friends to start thinking independently and to start treating me like a human being!