Need advice =(

[rierie26]

Hello,

I''ve been a long-time lurker, but new to posting. As I''ve seen from other posts, I know that Pricescopers are pretty fair and I''ll be able to get a wide range of answers, so that''s why I decided to finally post. I need some advice. Sorry, it''s a bit long!

My boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage for awhile, but nothing concrete. He''s the one who brought it up and we both agreed that we want to get married and start a family and all that in the future. He''s even dragged me into several jewelry stores to look at rings and when I found several good deals on diamonds on this site, he always asked me send them over to him.

When we first started looking our budget was around $8000 - $10,000. We then agreed, to lower it to around $6000 after looking around and really discussing our finances. Neither of us believes in putting the diamond on credit, so we thought $6000 was a comfortable price that we could save up cash for and it wouldn''t hurt us financially to spend that on a ring. I told him I was willing to wait until he had saved up enough and had mentioned to him that if he was serious, he could save a bit each month for it. He hasn''t put away any money at all for the ring. I had found a couple of diamonds last week in that range that looked really good. I sent them over to him and he agreed that they were really nice diamonds. Then the other day he brought up that he didn''t want to spend that much on a diamond. I then offered to pay for some of it, but he didn''t like that very much. I asked him how much he felt comfortable spending and he didn''t answer me. I got pretty upset and I blurted out something along the lines of him being willing to spend $6000+ on his ex-girlfriend''s breast implants, but he wasn''t willing to spend the same amount on an engagement ring for me. That pissed him off royally.

I know I shouldn''t have brought up what happened in his past relationship as it shouldn''t affect what goes on in ours, but I felt really hurt. It''s not even the price or cost that bothers me, I''m even willing to go without a ring (I told him this too, but that made him upset as well). What upsets me is that he keeps changing his mind as to what he''s willing to spend and he''s constantly lowering it. I could understand if we were having financial difficulties or if our jobs weren''t stable, but we''re in a pretty good place financially. And I know I shouldn''t compare our relationship to his relationship with his ex cause there''s no point, but I can''t help it. It hurts that he was ok to pay that amount for her plastic surgery, but he''s not willing to pay the same amount or even close for an engagement ring for me, something he knows would mean a lot to me.

I just don''t know what to do or think. He''s pretty upset with me for saying what I said, but I still feel hurt about the whole thing. =(

Thanks (sorry if it''s a bit convoluted),
Rie

 

[HopeDream]

Oh Rie!

I''m sorry for your situation. Some guys just don''t understand how important an engagement ring is, and just think of it as a fairly useless waste of money. It''s funny how some men have no trouble spending tens of thousands of dollars on a sportscar that they may not even drive very often, but then won''t spend the same on a ring that his woman wil wear every day of her life. (You will wear your ring every day yeah?)

I hope he will realize how much it means to you. Maybe you need to talk to him about how meaningful the ring is to you and how it symbolizes your relationship, and how you will think of him every time you look at it. I''m not sure if he understands the emotional impact the ring has for you.

Good luck.

 

[Circe]

The way I see it, there are 3 separate issues in this post.

1) Your BF''s being unreliable, and that is a huge big problem. It''s just not fair to make promises and renege on them. Does he do this in other arenas of your life? It''s something you guys need to resolve, apart and above from ....

2) the ring. I''m guessing that he started out with his budget and saw what it would get, and, rather than getting all excited about the wonderful sparkly bits of carbon, thought something along the lines of, "Wait, for this much I get something how big?" So now he''s thinking about value as opposed to symbolic meaning. Emphasize the fact that it''s not about the ring: it''s about this being something that will make you happy. And, if that''s not his priority ... then, dude. It sort of irks me that he''s all "No, I''m not going to do anything towards the engagement," but then he doesn''t want you to, either: to me, that sort of spells out that he wants to retain control in the relationship in a kinda unhealthy way.

3) He paid for his ex-girlfriend''s implants? Guys do that? Fascinating. And they cost 6 grand? Also fascinating. And he''s pissed off at you for mentioning this? Most fascinating of all. I''ve never understood how people could be all, "No, this relationship is happening in a vacuum" - I mean, quite clearly, they all influence who one becomes, who one''s partner becomes. So is he pissed at you for pointing out his skewed priorities here, or just for daring to mention his past? ''Cause I don''t think he has much of a leg to stand on with that, and I don''t think you have much to feel guilty about.

Bottom line: your BF sounds like he''s wrong on all counts. He raised the issue, and now he''s backing away from it (and being ridiculous about feeling hurt over your "playing dirty" over his - admit it, dude! - somewhat mockable past history of gift choices). I hope he''ll come around, but more than that, I hope you won''t let him change the rules of the game every time you turn around, or dictate how you''re supposed to feel.

 

[princesss]

Okay, I don''t think it''s unreasonable to be hurt that he spent $6k on implants, but won''t spend it on a symbol of commitment to you. But I can kind of see from his perspective - for $6k before, he got something he could benefit from. He probably sees no benefit to him in a small ring when before he got big, fun things to look at and play with for the same price. Because, let''s be honest, implants weren''t JUST for her, KWIM? A ring is really just for you. So I can see what thinking may be prompting him to balk at this figure, but have been fine dropping it on his ex. Not saying it''s right, but I can see guy logic in there.

I feel like he''s not being reliable or honest with you - if he wanted to get a ring, he''d be saving. Period. Get to the bottom of why that''s not happening, and I think the budget issue will go away.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 11/24/2009 9:27:34 AM
Author: princesss
Okay, I don''t think it''s unreasonable to be hurt that he spent $6k on implants, but won''t spend it on a symbol of commitment to you. But I can kind of see from his perspective - for $6k before, he got something he could benefit from. He probably sees no benefit to him in a small ring when before he got big, fun things to look at and play with for the same price. Because, let''s be honest, implants weren''t JUST for her, KWIM? A ring is really just for you. So I can see what thinking may be prompting him to balk at this figure, but have been fine dropping it on his ex. Not saying it''s right, but I can see guy logic in there.

Sadly, I think this is absolutely true. Big boobs and diamond ring = not apples and apples in guy world. While I can completely understand your being hurt by it, I would do your best to forget about what he did in his past relationships and focus on now, as dwelling on it will only upset both you and him. If you can''t forget about it, at least don''t bring it up or use it against him.

It sounds like he might have gotten a bit spooked after his initial burst of enthusiasm (possibly by the reality of spending a lot? Or of the seriousness of becoming engaged?). He sounds like he just isn''t ready right now, which I know must be frustrating after he took the initiative in looking at rings. I would either back off the subject and let him bring up the idea again when he is ready, or if you aren''t able to do that, have a calm discussion with him about what he really wants.

 

[monarch64]

My $.02 is that it is NOT ok to bring up something from your boyfriend''s past like the fact that he bought his last girlfriend breast implants. Not cool. But of course you know that now. If I were you I''d sit him down for a discussion and apologize to him for bringing past crap into your current relationship and then have a chat about fighting fair. On the ring--if he has been the one to bring it up, he''s initiated these jewelry store visits, etc. then I''m guessing he wants to make the final decision on the budget and the purchase. If that is the case, then let him do it and stop worrying over his budget.

 

[Octavia]

Rie, I''m sorry you''re going through this and it''s obvious that you''re hurting.

I don''t have too much to add, except that I think some guys are dreamers when it comes to big purchases, and don''t realize how much we get our hearts set on things that they then pull out from under us. For example, my DH and I have been idly looking at houses for a long time, and got very close to putting in an offer on a house we both LOVED recently. At the last minute, he freaked out about the economics of buying it on his income alone (I am doing a grad degree and won''t have an income for at least 8 more months). I was really crushed, and after that I laid down the law that we were not going to look at any more houses until we''re really ready to buy. He thought that looking was just fun, and didn''t realize that I was really invested in it. Long and somewhat irrelevant story, I know, but maybe your BF had the same mindset in looking at engagement rings? Guys are completely clueless sometimes, and I think that even if they know in the abstract that something is important to us, it doesn''t always register with them. For the rest of it, I pretty much agree with Circe.

Good luck, and hugs to you.

 

[Parsley]

*hugs*
I can''t offer much advice beyond what the girls here have said, they''re all right!

I did want to say I can sympathise with having plans hovered so close to you and then being withdrawn. H and I had planned a trip to (and booked flights for!) Oslo just before Christmas, our first holiday for the two of us for over 2 years! He was the one who first suggested we go, so I looked into going next June/July time. He said we should go at Christmas, see a white christmas etc. So I changed tack and found flights, and looked into hostels and hotels and what we could do there on a budget (we''re both poor students). When I got to booking the flights he seemed a bit reluctant and I started to get that feeling that it would never happen...

I was right. A month or so ago he tells me he''s too worried that we won''t be able to afford it, both the holiday and the clothes we''ll need to buy, and what if we get stuck out there because of the snow and the transfers etc., and he pulled the plug on the holiday. So now, instead of me counting down the days till we go and getting everything sorted, I''m sitting here getting closer to thinking "I could have been on holiday now"

I know this isn''t as big a deal as your engagement, but I just felt I had to let you know how much I can feel for you in this situation. It seems like a toned down version of what happened for you! Essentially being told to get excited about something, their enthusiasm then waning, and then ripped out from under you.

I''m sending such huge massive hugs, I know how sad and disappointed I feel, so I can''t bear to imagine how you must feel

P
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 11/24/2009 11:15:10 AM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 11/24/2009 9:27:34 AM
Author: princesss
Okay, I don''t think it''s unreasonable to be hurt that he spent $6k on implants, but won''t spend it on a symbol of commitment to you. But I can kind of see from his perspective - for $6k before, he got something he could benefit from. He probably sees no benefit to him in a small ring when before he got big, fun things to look at and play with for the same price. Because, let''s be honest, implants weren''t JUST for her, KWIM? A ring is really just for you. So I can see what thinking may be prompting him to balk at this figure, but have been fine dropping it on his ex. Not saying it''s right, but I can see guy logic in there.

Sadly, I think this is absolutely true. Big boobs and diamond ring = not apples and apples in guy world. While I can completely understand your being hurt by it, I would do your best to forget about what he did in his past relationships and focus on now, as dwelling on it will only upset both you and him. If you can''t forget about it, at least don''t bring it up or use it against him.

It sounds like he might have gotten a bit spooked after his initial burst of enthusiasm (possibly by the reality of spending a lot? Or of the seriousness of becoming engaged?). He sounds like he just isn''t ready right now, which I know must be frustrating after he took the initiative in looking at rings. I would either back off the subject and let him bring up the idea again when he is ready, or if you aren''t able to do that, have a calm discussion with him about what he really wants.

I guess I''m coming from a different perspective because my FI has no problem spending money on me (as long as he knows he can afford it) but bulks at spending ANYTHING on himself. I''m also of the opinion that the ring, while it goes on YOUR finger and YOU wear it, is as much for you as it is for him. It''s his committment to you and while it doesn''t have to be expensive, it should be felt from the heart. I told FI that I didn''t need a diamond at all and he insisted because he knew it was what I wanted and he wanted to show his committment to me. He still says it''s the best money he''s ever spent and it''s worth every penny. And this coming from an accountant who is VERY reluctant to spend money. My point being, I''d seriously consider sitting your BF down and letting him know that all this back and forth is frustrating for you. Let him know if he''s not ready you''d appreciate him letting you know. Perhaps when he''s able to come up with a firm figure he''s serious about, then the two of you can go looking again. Until then, it just seems like you''re setting yourself up for more frustration and heartbreak if you continue to send him diamonds and he continues to change his mind about the prices.

He may just not be ready to purchase the ring yet OR he may have realized he just doesn''t want to spend that much. Either way, he needs to take some time to figure out what he wants and can commit to.

As for the implants, I have to say that I''d be pretty irritated with him as well. I think you have a valid point. If you brought it up to throw it in his face meanly, I''d say that wasn''t right. But you''re bringing it up because it''s something that is hurtful to you. Frankly, I''d be quite hurt as well. FI and I are that couple that talk about EVERYTHING (mainly because he can always tell when I''m upset about something) but I think it''s important to talk about something with your partner if it bothers you, or else resentment can build and that''s never healthy. So I think if it truly bothers you, then you two need to have a serious discussion and sort this out.

Good luck!

 

[stepcutgirl]

I guess I have an unpopular opinion of this but I believe you made a fair comparison. I even read this to my bf who said it''s obvious where your bf''s priorities are and that he''d bet if YOU wanted implants he would find a way to finance those. You have the money, he says he wants to marry you and this is a symbol of that. In a past relationship she or he wanted bigger boobs and presto she got them. Now I may be drawing my own conclusions and maybe it wasn''t that easy but he is showing you where his priorities lie.

Maybe he realized he wasn''t ready for marriage. Maybe a thousand things. But IMO (for the little it''s worth) you did nothing wrong by bringing up a past relationship. Just because the previous relationship wasn''t you and every relationship is different does not mean it isn''t an action he took that shows what he feels is worthy of large monetary purchases.

I hope things turn around for you. I would be hurt and sad. But don''t beat yourself up. As far as my thoughts go you did nothing wrong. Hugs for you.

 

[caribari]

Im sorry Rie, I can definitely sense your frustration.

As a few posters have already mentioned, and you already wrote too, bringing up the plastic surgery was a little bit of a low blow (though in my mind, I think it’s a perfectly valid point!), and you probably owe him an apology. I’m betting he feels like enough of an idiot to have bought his ex boobs

When his ego mends

it would probably be useful for you to understand where his head is at in terms of why he keeps lowering the price point. It would also be productive for him to understand how much this ring will mean to you. In my experience, some guys just don’t get it. My SO really didn’t understand how much an e-ring meant to me until I explained what it symbolizes, how I’m going to wear it everyday, and the fact that every time I look at it I’m going to think about him.

I think you''re right when you say that it''s not about the cost of the ring, but how it feels like he is putting more of a premium on his ex''s breasts than you or your relationship (which I''m SURE is not the message he means to be sending). I hope you guys work this out quickly!

 

[tlh]

well boobs he can enjoy and play with later... a ring.. eh, not so much. So they really don't compare in guyland.

In girlland we see $$$ value and do compare. Breast implants- are a gift to boost her self confidence or whatever, but it is just a straight up gift w/o strings. (You can't really take THOSE back..) but an engagement ring is a symbol of your relationship- and a progress to the next level... HUGE STRINGS!!!

I wouldn't bring it up (implants) to him, but it is hard as a woman NOT to compare... the debeers slogan a diamond is forever... to funbags that have to be adjusted and reinflated every 5-7 years.

No advice really, but I agree, it does seem to be an issue other than money at play here. I wish you the best in working through this issue... hugs!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Ok I''m sorry but I agree with you. Who does he think he is? I probably would have said the same thing to him that you did!!!!!! Maybe after making the mistake of buying his ex some new ta-ta''s to play with, he realized that spending that much on anything (namely diamonds) isn''t worth it (to him.)

He shouldn''t give you such mixed messages. It makes me think he isn''t serious at all for paying that much and this is why when it really comes down to the moment, he won''t make that move and spend that much.

I actually agree a lot with what princesss had to say.

If I were you I''d just let him know how you are feeling about all of this and how it hurts you that he''s acting this way. Maybe you can get to the bottom of it and the two of you can get past it and move forward with the best solution.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I know that right now you're feeling hurt and frustrated about his lack of excitement over spending a chunk of change on a ring combined with the fact that he bought his ex-gf boobs. But step away from the situation for a second.

He's not mad at you for being hurt over what he did in the past. In fact, I'm sure he's understanding of that. What he's most likely miffed about is that you threw it in his face in order to guilt him into buying you a bauble. The comment is dripping in manipulation and any healthy man is going to want to distance himself from that.

If it were me (and trust me, I've stuck my foot in my mouth many a time), I would apologize. You got a bit emotional and said something you shouldn't have at an inappropriate time. And unfortunately, by making that comment the whole conversation took a turn for the worse and I doubt anything got accomplished. Give it some time to rest and address the issue again without getting heated. Having a conversation about the budget and coming up with a plan to achieve it is the easy part--if he's all talk and no action, then you have some things you need to decide for youself.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 11/24/2009 1:18:14 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I know that right now you're feeling hurt and frustrated about his lack of excitement over spending a chunk of change on a ring combined with the fact that he bought his ex-gf boobs. But step away from the situation for a second.

He's not mad at you for being hurt over what he did in the past. In fact, I'm sure he's understanding of that. What he's most likely miffed about is that you threw it in his face in order to guilt him into buying you a bauble. The comment is dripping in manipulation and any healthy man is going to want to distance himself from that.

If it were me (and trust me, I've stuck my foot in my mouth many a time), I would apologize. You got a bit emotional and said something you shouldn't have at an inappropriate time. And unfortunately, by making that comment the whole conversation took a turn for the worse and I doubt anything got accomplished. Give it some time to rest and address the issue again without getting heated. Having a conversation about the budget and coming up with a plan to achieve it is the easy part--if he's all talk and no action, then you have some things you need to decide for youself.

I agree.

IMO, you bringing up the breast implants was immature. (I'm not saying he's acting any better ..) What do his exes breasts have to do with you getting an engagement ring? What do your BF's previous spending habits have to do with his spending habits today?

I would say you lost a bit of your "footing" in the argument, so to speak, with the breast comment. All you should be focused on in this situation is what he previously told you he was willing to spend on the engagement ring.

It is definetely not fair that he keeps changing his mind, and at this point doesn't even have a monetary figure that he's comfortable spending. To me, that meant he's not taking this seriously.

I agree with all posters that said that there are other issues at hand here within your relationship, more serious than how much to spend on an engagement ring.

ETA: Money is always said to be the number one cause of divorce. There will most likely be many times within a couples 50+ years of marriage that one spouse will want to spend more/less than the other on a purchase. You can not spend the rest of your life beating your BF over the head with the $6,000 he spent on an exes breast implants.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

If he''s worried about money right now, then most of what he''s saying to you about the ring suddenly makes sense. (I know you said that they two of you are in a good financial position right now, but does that mean that in addition to good jobs and 401ks, that he currently has cash enough sitting around to buy the 6-10K ring in cash today? Or does he not want to use his rainy-day fund for the ring? Or, is it that he suddenly realized he not only has no rainy-day fund, but once he decided to build one he soon discovered that he''s been living paycheck-to-paycheck right now, which freaked him out?) To those who are worried about money, any large purchase is going to freak them out a bit, especially if they really WANT to buy the ring and worry that they can''t afford it. To not be able to provide in the manner you want for someone you love because of one''s own financial failings is a big hit to most guys'' egos, you know.

Sure, it was a bit low for you to bring up the breast implants. I had to laugh, though, because he kind of earned it by not communicating with you and leaving you in the dark. (Well, that, and it was a stupid, shallow decision on his part. He felt "Big Time" by becoming a plastic surgery sugar daddy so he could play with stripper boobs for a while?)

FWIW, I bet he''s kicking himself about wasting that money for that purpose on that past-tense woman rather than on you, the woman who wants to marry him and who he wants to marry. He should be upset, but Rierie26, I''d bet the source of his anger is himself and his own bad prior bad decisions. You can and should be kind to him, but DO NOT let him pull the psychological slight of hand of pushing off his anger on you; it is his to work through.

 

[lucyandroger]

Yikes...I don''t think I would ever be able to stomach the fact that my future husband spent $6,000 on breast implants for an ex-gf. I don''t blame you for bringing it up. Call me immature or whatever but my ering would definitely have to cost at least $6,000 so I''m with you on that.

I agree with Circe. Should have just ditto''d her.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/24/2009 7:07:05 PM
Author: lucyandroger
Yikes...I don''t think I would ever be able to stomach the fact that my future husband spent $6,000 on breast implants for an ex-gf.

Me either. I''m skeeved just thinking about it. My DH has been *MARRIED* before & has lots of "past" w/ another woman but

. Unless it was something he SERIOUSLY regretted. And even then ...still

.

Re: the ring issue ... kind of a bait & switch, no? More discussions are needed. Obviously this is emotional for you. Good luck!

 

[jewelz617]

Honestly... an engagement ring is a gift. It''s a symbol of his love and commitment to you. Yes, it''s nice to have but if you want to be broken up really fast, arguing about it is the way to go about it. My advice? Don''t mention it for awhile. You shouldn''t be arguing about the cost or offering to pay part of it yourself, or questioning his concerns. I guess you have to ask yourself which you''d rather have: the guy, or the ring? You say you don''t care if you don''t have one, but clearly you care a lot. And that''s fine, as long as you understand that to him these discussions might be a slap in the face. Pick your battles, marriage is forever

 

[Circe]

Date: 11/24/2009 8:08:38 PM
Author: jewelz617
Honestly... an engagement ring is a gift. It''s a symbol of his love and commitment to you. Yes, it''s nice to have but if you want to be broken up really fast, arguing about it is the way to go about it. My advice? Don''t mention it for awhile. You shouldn''t be arguing about the cost or offering to pay part of it yourself, or questioning his concerns. I guess you have to ask yourself which you''d rather have: the guy, or the ring? You say you don''t care if you don''t have one, but clearly you care a lot. And that''s fine, as long as you understand that to him these discussions might be a slap in the face. Pick your battles, marriage is forever

Marriage is forever. So, maybe before embarking upon forever, it''d be a good idea to resolve pesky things like unreliability, dishonesty, and the prioritization of saline over carbon? Because, as even the people pointing out how the ex''s implants were fun for him, too, have touched upon ... doesn''t that just make him selfish? That doesn''t sound like the sort of thing one wants to just let slide, not when the rest of your life is on the line ....

Also, a question for the people who believe that referencing anything about a partner''s past is out of bounds: why? Where does that come from? That would honestly never occur to me: I''m much more of the "if you do something ridiculous, the price you pay is eternal mockery" school of thought. From where I''m standing, our OP hasn''t done anything wrong ....

 

[rierie26]

I know it wasn't fighting fair to bring up the ex and her fake plastic boobies, but I, too, occasionally suffer from foot-in-mouthitis. I'm going to apologize to him as soon as he cools off. He's pretty pissed off with me right now for bringing up his past relationship.

I don't care that he paid for her plastic surgery. I just don't want to hear about it. LOL. Although I think if I wanted implants at this moment, he wouldn't pay for them -- not that I would ask him to, but still. I kinda get the feeling (and this could be part of the whole thing about spending for the ring too) that his ex put him through the ringer, not just emotionally but financially too. It was his first long-lasting relationship (highschool up to midtwenties) and he paid for a lot of stuff for her, took her on vacations, supported her financially, etc. I can tell it really affected him because now he's really reluctant to do any of that stuff, again not that I expect or ask him to buy me anything or pay for my vacations or bills or anything. But was hard to hear him talk about all this stuff -- all the things he bought her and how they used to go on these great trips and then have him not want to do any of that stuff with me (mostly the traveling).

I think what really upset me was not the ring or how much it would cost (although it would be nice to have a big honker!), but the fact that he seemed to be backing off of the whole thing. He was the one to bring up the topic of marriage and drag me into the jewelry stores, so it felt very much like he was leading me on a bit just to retract. Which he does have a tendency to do, mostly for small stuff, but nothing as big as this. I think he thinks it's funny, it's really not. Looking back, I can see that he's just not ready yet for such a big step. I think if he was really ready, he would have started saving or been ok with setting a budget. I just wish he hadn't led me on about the whole thing and had been honest about not being ready for an engagement/marriage.

Thanks for all the support and advice!

 

[jewelz617]

Circe, that's your opinion, and I respect it. But I'm more from the school of "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 11/24/2009 12:26:07 PM
Author: stepcutgirl
I guess I have an unpopular opinion of this but I believe you made a fair comparison. I even read this to my bf who said it's obvious where your bf's priorities are and that he'd bet if YOU wanted implants he would find a way to finance those. You have the money, he says he wants to marry you and this is a symbol of that. In a past relationship she or he wanted bigger boobs and presto she got them. Now I may be drawing my own conclusions and maybe it wasn't that easy but he is showing you where his priorities lie.

Maybe he realized he wasn't ready for marriage. Maybe a thousand things. But IMO (for the little it's worth) you did nothing wrong by bringing up a past relationship. Just because the previous relationship wasn't you and every relationship is different does not mean it isn't an action he took that shows what he feels is worthy of large monetary purchases.

I hope things turn around for you. I would be hurt and sad. But don't beat yourself up. As far as my thoughts go you did nothing wrong. Hugs for you.

I 100% agree. I think it's completely valid to bring that up. I mean wow, really?!! He paid over $6k for his ex-girlfriend's BREAST IMPLANTS but he won't pay that much for a diamond ring that you'll wear forever? Interesting priorities.

Honestly, if I were you I would think long and hard about marrying a guy who thinks it's funny to lead you on and seems to punish you because of his past relationship.

ETA ditto Circe as well! Eternal mocking seems completely reasonable to me and the OP hasn't even done that. He's gotten off pretty easily if you ask me!

 

[lilyfoot]

I really do not understand the concept of purposely saying mean, nasty things to your SO. For anyone out there who treats their SO like this, that''s really sad. It is unfair and childish, not to mention just plain cruel.

We all slip up from time to time and say things out of anger or frustration that we know we shouldn''t. It''s a given in life, since we are all human. But the mature people apologize, talk about it, and try to ensure it won''t happen again.

If we were talking about making a light-hearted joke, I could completely understand. But to actually think this is an acceptable way to treat your SO? That''s just wrong. How is this method helping your relationship move forward and progress in any way?

rierie, I''m glad that you have decided to apologize to your BF. I would hope he knows he owes you an apology as well (for going back on his word). I''m sorry he isn''t ready for engagement/marriage. I hope you guys can talk it out and work everything out for the best. Keep us updated!

 

[Circe]

Date: 11/25/2009 10:31:34 AM
Author: lilyfoot
I really do not understand the concept of purposely saying mean, nasty things to your SO. For anyone out there who treats their SO like this, that''s really sad. It is unfair and childish, not to mention just plain cruel.


We all slip up from time to time and say things out of anger or frustration that we know we shouldn''t. It''s a given in life, since we are all human. But the mature people apologize, talk about it, and try to ensure it won''t happen again.


If we were talking about making a light-hearted joke, I could completely understand. But to actually think this is an acceptable way to treat your SO? That''s just wrong. How is this method helping your relationship move forward and progress in any way?

I, uh ... who''s talking about mean, nasty things? I''m a bit lost. There''s a difference between referencing the past and poking fun at it when it''s deserved (hey, my husband still hasn''t let me off on having dated a whole slew of guys in bad bands before I met him) and being nasty about it. It doesn''t sound like Rierei was being mocking *or* mean, just factual in pointing out that he''d happily spent more money in the past on something that was, by definition, somewhat less meaningful.

Rierie, I''m happy you''ve come to a good place, but from where I''m standing, your BF made promises he couldn''t keep, got your hopes up, and then convinced you that you were in the wrong and *he* was the injured party who deserved an apology. You deserve better than somebody who "thinks it''s funny" to lead you on, in matters big or small ....

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 11/25/2009 11:05:41 AM
Author: Circe

Date: 11/25/2009 10:31:34 AM
Author: lilyfoot
I really do not understand the concept of purposely saying mean, nasty things to your SO. For anyone out there who treats their SO like this, that's really sad. It is unfair and childish, not to mention just plain cruel.


We all slip up from time to time and say things out of anger or frustration that we know we shouldn't. It's a given in life, since we are all human. But the mature people apologize, talk about it, and try to ensure it won't happen again.


If we were talking about making a light-hearted joke, I could completely understand. But to actually think this is an acceptable way to treat your SO? That's just wrong. How is this method helping your relationship move forward and progress in any way?

I, uh ... who's talking about mean, nasty things? I'm a bit lost. There's a difference between referencing the past and poking fun at it when it's deserved (hey, my husband still hasn't let me off on having dated a whole slew of guys in bad bands before I met him) and being nasty about it. It doesn't sound like Rierei was being mocking *or* mean, just factual in pointing out that he'd happily spent more money in the past on something that was, by definition, somewhat less meaningful.

Rierie, I'm happy you've come to a good place, but from where I'm standing, your BF made promises he couldn't keep, got your hopes up, and then convinced you that you were in the wrong and *he* was the injured party who deserved an apology. You deserve better than somebody who 'thinks it's funny' to lead you on, in matters big or small ....

Hi Circe

When I read the OP, she stated she "got pretty upset", which caused her to say what she did about the implants. To me, this didn't come across that she said it in a joking manner, or even a "factual" manner. IMO, I took this to mean she said it in a not-so-nice, possibly accusatory tone. This feeling was further confirmed by the fact that rierie came back with an update where she stated she knew it wasn't "fighting fair", she acknowledged it was wrong, and plans on apologizing.

Like I said in my post, I can completely understand a light-hearted joke (who doesn't joke with their spouse?). When I read the replies that said that thought what she said (or "how" she said it) was ok, I just couldn't agree. There would've been way more tactful ways for OP to make her point about her BF's spending habits, if that was in fact something she wanted to bring up in reference to her engagement ring.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Rierie, I am glad that you are separating your issues with his past relationship from your frustration that you feel led on.

If you had a problem with him buying plastic surgery, trips, etc. for his ex-girlfriend, then you wouldn''t want to marry him. That''s my issue with those who think it''s okay to bring up the plastic surgery when talking about a ring. You''ve already gotten past the point of questioning his character and are ready to marry him, so his mistakes with hte ex should be completely irrelevant. If you say something along the lines of "Well you bought your ex..." then you may as well finish the sentence with "...so now you owe me a ring."

I can completely understand your frustration with feeling led on. If he is the one who brought all of this up and is now balking, I would feel frustrated and dissapointed as well. Again, I think this can be cleared up with just a single un-heated conversation to make sure you''re both on the same page. Keep us updated!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 11/24/2009 9:12:04 PM
Author: Circe

Date: 11/24/2009 8:08:38 PM
Author: jewelz617
Honestly... an engagement ring is a gift. It''s a symbol of his love and commitment to you. Yes, it''s nice to have but if you want to be broken up really fast, arguing about it is the way to go about it. My advice? Don''t mention it for awhile. You shouldn''t be arguing about the cost or offering to pay part of it yourself, or questioning his concerns. I guess you have to ask yourself which you''d rather have: the guy, or the ring? You say you don''t care if you don''t have one, but clearly you care a lot. And that''s fine, as long as you understand that to him these discussions might be a slap in the face. Pick your battles, marriage is forever

Marriage is forever. So, maybe before embarking upon forever, it''d be a good idea to resolve pesky things like unreliability, dishonesty, and the prioritization of saline over carbon? Because, as even the people pointing out how the ex''s implants were fun for him, too, have touched upon ... doesn''t that just make him selfish? That doesn''t sound like the sort of thing one wants to just let slide, not when the rest of your life is on the line ....

Also, a question for the people who believe that referencing anything about a partner''s past is out of bounds: why? Where does that come from? That would honestly never occur to me: I''m much more of the ''if you do something ridiculous, the price you pay is eternal mockery'' school of thought. From where I''m standing, our OP hasn''t done anything wrong ....

I just posted, but wanted to respond to this as well.

You ask why it''s wrong to throw a partner''s past in his face.

The answer is because she''s already decided she wants to marry this man. If she were still in the stage where she was questioning his character and figuring out if this is the guy she wants to spend her life with, then bringing up the ex''s implants would be well within bounds (and I certainly hope it was discussed). If she still has hang-ups about his past, which I could understand if she did, then those issues need to be discussed and resolved before there is ANY discussion of marriage.

The objective to bringing up the implants was to make him feel guilty. It''s classic manipulation: you did this for her, so you owe me this. I know it was said out of hurt and not malice--and it may indicate that the OP is not over the past, but, again, that needs to be resolved before any discussion about rings.

 

[Circe]

Date: 11/25/2009 6:07:02 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Date: 11/24/2009 9:12:04 PM

Author: Circe

Date: 11/24/2009 8:08:38 PM

Author: jewelz617

Honestly... an engagement ring is a gift. It''s a symbol of his love and commitment to you. Yes, it''s nice to have but if you want to be broken up really fast, arguing about it is the way to go about it. My advice? Don''t mention it for awhile. You shouldn''t be arguing about the cost or offering to pay part of it yourself, or questioning his concerns. I guess you have to ask yourself which you''d rather have: the guy, or the ring? You say you don''t care if you don''t have one, but clearly you care a lot. And that''s fine, as long as you understand that to him these discussions might be a slap in the face. Pick your battles, marriage is forever

Marriage is forever. So, maybe before embarking upon forever, it''d be a good idea to resolve pesky things like unreliability, dishonesty, and the prioritization of saline over carbon? Because, as even the people pointing out how the ex''s implants were fun for him, too, have touched upon ... doesn''t that just make him selfish? That doesn''t sound like the sort of thing one wants to just let slide, not when the rest of your life is on the line ....


Also, a question for the people who believe that referencing anything about a partner''s past is out of bounds: why? Where does that come from? That would honestly never occur to me: I''m much more of the ''if you do something ridiculous, the price you pay is eternal mockery'' school of thought. From where I''m standing, our OP hasn''t done anything wrong ....

I just posted, but wanted to respond to this as well.


You ask why it''s wrong to throw a partner''s past in his face.


The answer is because she''s already decided she wants to marry this man. If she were still in the stage where she was questioning his character and figuring out if this is the guy she wants to spend her life with, then bringing up the ex''s implants would be well within bounds (and I certainly hope it was discussed). If she still has hang-ups about his past, which I could understand if she did, then those issues need to be discussed and resolved before there is ANY discussion of marriage.


The objective to bringing up the implants was to make him feel guilty. It''s classic manipulation: you did this for her, so you owe me this. I know it was said out of hurt and not malice--and it may indicate that the OP is not over the past, but, again, that needs to be resolved before any discussion about rings.

Huh, interesting. I have to admit, thinking of it from that perspective had never occurred to me, but that''s a very logical way of putting it. I will have to think on this - thank you!

 

[sunseeker101]

Date: 11/25/2009 6:07:02 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

The objective to bringing up the implants was to make him feel guilty. It's classic manipulation: you did this for her, so you owe me this. I know it was said out of hurt and not malice--and it may indicate that the OP is not over the past, but, again, that needs to be resolved before any discussion about rings.

I can see this kind of intent belonging to someone with a simplistic way of thinking about value in relationships. There's no way to know from a discussion like this but the OP sounds like someone who was momentarily startled and indignified (!) that the self-professed desire to show commitment was more a vague attempt to look committed (IMHO). The question that appears behind the 'recall' to me is 'if you weren't all that madly in love enough with her to marry her, and still spent $6000 -- why is it so much skin off your nose to do it for me? Do you not love me as much?' -- I think it's a fair question, I'd be wondering too. I think only a man worth his emotional salt could formulate a meaningful answer, though.